We enter precisely where we left last week, with a drunk Henry trying to make it with Betty. Betty, however, is having none of it, particularly when she realizes that Henry is drunk off of a melon and apricot wine cooler. As you do. Henry wonders why Betty didn't tell him about Charlie and Farkas. Betty says that there is a child involved, and it might be his, and she can't get her heart broken again. They have to wait until they know whose baby it is. Betty says that she can do it if he can, and Henry snores in response. It's hard to have a serious conversation with someone who is wasted AND sugar crashing.
Meanwhile, Amanda and Daniel prepare to open the results of her DNA test by taking a walk down memory lane and talking about how much sex they had. Which, apparently, was a lot. When Amanda happily learns that Bradford is not her father, the two make out in celebration. That almost never happens on Maury. Daniel totally wants to do it, but Amanda still has unresolved issues with him and so allows only a boob squeeze.
Cut to a hung-over Henry, who has never been drunk before. Obviously not, if the wine coolers did it. Not that I'm hating -- I fondly remember my first bottle of Boone's, and the resulting sloppy makeout session with a stranger. Hilda fixes Henry her hangover special -- tomato juice, raw egg, and a little bacon grease. So that's how Hilda maintains that healthy glow. She promises his hangover will be gone by third period. Hilda says that Henry must be dying to call that bitch, a.k.a. Charlie, but he says he doesn't know what he'll do when he hears her voice, because he's so mad. He says that he feels like a female orangutan in estrous when a non-dominant male tries to mount her -- she bares her fangs and attacks blindly. Finally, I have a description for the emotion I've been feeling all these years! Hilda says the story would be more effective if he compared himself to a male orangutan and if he knew what estrous was. Henry, having had enough of watching her eat eggs, hurls.
Meanwhile, Betty is not mad at Christina for spilling the beans to Henry. Both women are busily getting ready for the Black And White Ball, which is Daniel's favorite event of the year, because he gets to present a big oversized check to charity. And, probably, a big oversized "check" to Charity. Betty is distracted when she hears the call of the sandwich guy...who is Rico from Six Feet Under! Oh, so wee. Rico is excited when he learns that Betty is an eater. He's not as excited about Daniel as he barges in the sandwich line and hands Betty an ad for the iBot motorized wheelchair, which he wants for that evening. Betty thought Daniel was supposed to be walking by today, but he says he still needs therapy. And how. As further evidence, he wants a check that neither makes his head look small nor washes him out. Good luck with that, paley small-head.
Fashion TV touts the Black And White Ball, while noting that Claire Meade will not be able to fulfill her hostess duties, as she is on the lam. Bradford and his "ex-fiancée" -- oh yeah, he said it! -- will carry on in her stead at the benefit for the New York Children's Hospital. The reporter wonders if there's trouble in paradise, and we cut to Wili angrily telling Marc to turn off the TV. She says, "This is so humiliating. My closest friends in the world are going to be there tonight; can you imagine how happy this is going to make them?" Whenever there is a scene in Wili's office, all I can do is covet her chaise longue. Wili worries that a postponement of the wedding will give the Meade spawn more time to talk Bradford out of it. She's ready to give up, but Marc rightly tells her that the Wilhelmina Slater he knows and occasionally wishes he were does not throw in the towel just because the old man she's scamming has suddenly gone all soft for his tramnesiac daughter. Wili didn't count on the father-daughter bonding and hates that love won out, and Marc comes up with the genius plan to remind Alexis how much she's hated the old man for the past two years. Wili asks Marc if he's good at Photoshop, and he answers in the affirmative. The scenes with these two are always so great.
Meanwhile, Claire and Yoga continue their high life in the Hamptons. But Claire is not content. She hears the news that Wili and Bradford have postponed the engagement, and realizes that she must act now. She must go to the Black And White Ball, she says. Isn't she already at the Black And White Ball, in a sense? Yoga points out that a criminal on the lam can't just turn up at a ball, and Claire says she can if she's wearing a mask. Oooh! I vote that she goes as Richard Nixon.
Back at Mode, Henry complains to Rico that Robert, the old sandwich guy, would give Betty more sun-dried tomatoes. Rico says that will ruin the flavor. But Betty wants the sun-dried tomatoes, and Rico gives her the business about being a typical Mode girl rather than Betty from the block, as he had assumed. An outraged Betty spouts off to Daniel, who tells her to cheer herself by looking at www.socuteitssick.com, her favorite website. He then picks up the phone.
At Casa de Suarez, Hilda gets a call from Ignacio. If she weren't so into her telenovela, she might realize by his voice that he has a gun to his head. She hangs up quickly to get back to her stories, and Ignacio asks his captor who he is and what he wants. Gun man says he thinks Ignacio knows his father. That father then walks in and takes off a giant face-obscuring hat. It's Rosa's first husband, Ramiro Vasquez, whom Ignacio apparently did not in fact kill all those years ago. My general rule of thumb is that if you kill someone, you really want to make sure they're dead, otherwise it might come to bite you in the ass later on.
Back at Mode, Betty is interrupted from her wheelchair-acquiring phone call by Rico, who has been fired as a result of Betty's complaint. He quite awesomely speechifies to the entire office that there is no such thing as fat-free mayo. The very mayo that he is so generous with on sandwiches. Chunks of sandwich are spit out all over the office as Amanda and Marc congratulate Betty on being one of them. She indulges in a brief fantasy sequence before leading us to commercials by frantically saying that she's not one of them.
When we return, Wili's treating Alexis to a makeover and saying she's there for her, because that's what best friends are for, even though Alexis can't remember Wili being her best friend. Wili keeps smiling and keeps shining as she pulls out their "Wilhelmina And Alexis BFF" scrapbook. There are pictures of the two at fashion week, drunk at a karaoke bar, square dancing, standing naked behind a surfboard, and marching in a gay pride parade. Well done, Marc. Alexis asks if they were, well, you know, and Wili denies it. But really, who knows what might have happened back when the bandages were still on? Wili then spills the beans about her engagement to Bradford. Alexis is taken aback.
Meanwhile, Amanda confesses to Marc that she's bummed that Bradford isn't her father, because he's so rich and bald. Marc reminds us of her Daddy Warbucks fantasy, and Amanda hilariously says, "I don't know why that's so strong." Marc schemes about what Amanda's new status as Fey's daughter can get them, and decides that her coming-out party will be at the Black And White Ball. It was Fey's big event, and every year, she would show up in a red dress and say, "Black And White Ball? I guess I didn't get the memo." Amanda is all in, with the dog to boot. The two go to Henry, whom they repeatedly call "Grubstank," to see if they can get their checks early. Henry opens a can of Proud To Be A Grubstick whoop-ass, and the two slink off, noting that they've never been so attracted to anyone. An emboldened Henry leaves a message for Charlie, who certainly puts the "stank" in Grubstank.
Elsewhere at Mode, Justin asks Daniel if he knows how to play basketball. He wants to learn how to play, he says, because his dad loved it. Try flipping down your collar first, there, sonny boy. Daniel, never a fan of work to begin with, heads off with Justin to shoot some hoops.
Outside the building, Betty flags down Rico, whose name is actually Gio, and says she talked to Daniel and he has his job back. Turns out he doesn't want it, since the job was taking away from his five-year plan of opening his own sandwich place, complete with the world's longest condiment bar. I do love a good condiment. Betty, still feeling guilty, asks Gio if she can pay him to drive her to get the wheelchair in his van. Gio, a fan of being paid, is all for it.
Back at the hospital, Wili explains the commencement of her relationship with Bradford, which somehow started with soup. Alexis is peeved, but Wili schemes her way into Alexis's sympathies. Alexis woke up from this coma a lot dumber, didn't she?
In Mexico, we learn that Ramiro is still holding quite a grudge about that whole attempted-murder thing. And is also really mean. And kind of weird, as he wants Ignacio to make him flan. Well, flan is pretty delicious. If the flan is good, Ignacio might get to keep his life. If only the challenges on Top Chef were this high-stakes! Though I suspect that this is not so dissimilar to Padma behind the scenes.
After a brief commercial break, we see Justin and Daniel shooting hoops. Justin is just about as good with a basketball as you might expect. Daniel coaches from the side of the court, until he can't take it anymore and jumps out of his wheelchair to complete a lay-up. Yep, Daniel can walk. And it's highly doubtful that it's a basketball miracle.
En route to New Jersey to get the wheelchair, Betty has to endure Gio singing along to "Unbreak My Heart," and she unsuccessfully tries to chime in. This tender moment leads the two to talk about Betty's real ambition -- to be a writer. Gio asks what Betty has done lately, and the answer is a big fat nothing, unless cleaning Daniel's toe jam counts as her "artist date." Gio tells her that nothing's going to come to her unless she works for it, and she basically tells him to suck on some sauerkraut and mind his damn business.
Back at the courts, we learn that Daniel is pretending to be wheelchair-bound so he can bone his physical therapist. Justin says that Daniel is kind of a dog, and reminds him of his dad. This is an implicit agreement not to tell Betty about the leg-working portion of their afternoon. Who knew that Marc would actually be the most suitable male role model on the show?
In New Jersey, Betty learns that the iBot is being loaned out to Nick Lachey, despite the fact that she reserved it. F'ing Lachey. Gio tells her that she's a writer, and to make up a good story and get the guy to give her the chair. Betty's invocation of the CIA does the trick, and she and Gio celebrate in the van and start to build some mutual respect.
Back at Mode, Christina is helping Wili dress for the Black And White Ball. Christina asks if Wili's belt really is made of an endangered species, and Wili says that if Christina wants to feel really bad, she has a hat made of bald eagle. It's actually just a silkscreen of Bradford from the neck up. Marc reports that an Alexis/Bradford talk is taking place, and they should have wedding tranapproval within the hour. Wilhelmina slaps him with endangered species tail in return for the square dancing photos.
In Mexico, Ignacio's flan is a success. But Ramiro still tells his son to kill him. If this show has taught us one thing, it's that you really can't trust people you thought were dead. Also, when in doubt, put rat poison in the flan.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Justin shows Hilda cell-phone photos of his day at basketball camp. One happens to be of Daniel, shooting a layup. Uh-oh. Elsewhere, Gio gives Betty shit about how she doesn't have time to write because she's so busy wiping Daniel's ass. She starts talking about her family problems, and Gio starts quacking at everything he deems as an excuse. In return, she woofs every time he mentions his five-year plan. If you ask me, this is no time for Old McDonald shenanigans. As one might have expected, Betty gets a call from Hilda and learns that Daniel can walk.
Meanwhile, it's the red carpet of the Black And White Ball! Marc jumps in front of the Fashion TV cameras and points them in the direction of Amanda. No one gives a rat, except to make a half-hearted note about the dog. As Amanda complains about the lack of attention, Marc says that she has to work and asks if Paris Hilton has everything handed to her. He thinks for a minute and acknowledges that she does, but says that that celebutard works hard to stay in the news. Amanda asks if she should pee on the carpet, and Marc says Courtney Love already did that and Amanda has to be even bigger -- to out-Lohan Lohan, and out-Britney Britney. That last one is really getting harder by the minute. She says there's nothing left, but Marc gets an evil glint in his eyes and says that there is. He sends her in the direction of a fictitious Josh Duhamel, then snags her dress so it rips clean off. Voila! Amanda is famous. If Britney had done this rather than going the pussy-shot route, I might still be able to sleep at night.
After a commercial break, Wili and Bradford talk, and he shares that Alexis is on board with the wedding. He's surprised, as she was always so close to Claire. Speaking of Claire, there she is! Yoga makes a worthy pimp-bedecked escort. Meanwhile, Daniel pops wheelies in his iBot before losing control of the vehicle and having to jump out. Betty is once again totally disappointed that she wasted her whole day -- a day when she could have been writing -- just so Daniel could play grab-ass. And yes, she said ass.
Back in Mexico, Ignacio takes the smart yet risky tactic of reminding Ramiro's son, pointing a gun at Ignacio's head, about the abuse he suffered as a child. Hey, he's better than Oprah! Or Tyra.
Meanwhile, the Black And White Ball features a Kenneth Cole cameo. He looks an awful lot like Henry in thirty-five years. While Daniel is making announcements from the stage, Claire sneaks up on Bradford in the back of the room. He's surprised to see her, but even more surprised to see Yoga, who tells him that Claire's doing fine, and now they have a life. Claire sends her away, and tells Bradford that it's not what he thinks, before offering the caveat, "Well, almost once." Ha! I knew Fish had it in her. Claire tries to convince Bradford to run away with her, and tells him how much she loves him, and knows that he loves her. Wili watches. Marc asks if she wants him to call the police. Wili says that the police would just put Claire back in jail, but Wili knows how to really hurt her. This is achieved by storming the stage and grabbing a microphone out of the hand of a hospitalized child to announce that the Meade/Slater wedding is back on. Bradford tells Claire that her life is over, and it ended the day that she murdered Fey. Harsh! He joins Wili on stage as a defeated Claire slinks out of the room.
In Mexico, Ramiro yells at his son that he's a disappointment and orders him to kill Ignacio. We hear a gunshot and head to commercials.
When we return, it's the day. Daniel brings Betty a partially eaten bagel as an apology. She tells him not to be sorry, that she's his assistant and it's her job to do whatever he wants, even if it is offensive to the handi-capable. Her meltdown had a lot more to do with her than him, and she's sorry. And there's something else -- she wants to enroll in a writing class during her lunch hour. Daniel says that's great, and goes back to chasing poon or whatever else he does all day.
Meanwhile, the office is abuzz about Amanda, and this time they're filled with envy instead of pity and disgust. Marc tells Amanda that she was a hit. Amanda is pleased at the accomplishments of having Melissa Etheridge buy her a domestic beer and appearing nude in the tabloids, but says that as she was standing naked on the red carpet doing all the poses that guys were shouting out, she had time to think. And she realized she's never going to get to talk to her mother, and has no idea who her father is. It's like she's an orphan. She says she needs something more. More, even, than fame. She needs to find her father. I'd start with Bill Cosby.
A few steps away, Betty finds a sandwich with extra sun-dried tomatoes on her desk, compliments of Gio. Hmm. Amidst all that barking and quacking, maybe a spark flew. Henry, himself a fan of www.socuteitssick.com, catches her and apologizes, promising never to mix wine coolers and antihistamine again. He also tells Betty that he talked to Charlie, and she admitted everything, and they are going to do a paternity test. However, this can't happen until Charlie's fourteenth week, which I imagine will be sometime around November sweeps. Betty says she guesses they can wait. Henry invites her to lunch, but she says she can't. She has her class, after all. He notices the sandwich and asks if it's a gift, but Betty says it isn't. Do I sense a little Gio-caching in the future?
Back at Casa de Suarez, Hilda and Betty eat dinner. And then who should enter but Ignacio! Not dead! Phew.
week: Ugly Wili, 'fro included. And the Beek! From the Creek!