Ugly Betty is back, baby! Okay, quick recap from last season: Betty and Henry were star-crossed lovers kept apart by Henry's pregnant skank ho of a girlfriend, Charlie, but the baby might not be Henry's after all (see "skank ho," above); Ignacio had to stay in Mexico because of immigration issues; Alexis rushed a drugged-up Daniel to the hospital only to crash into a tree, ironically due to her own attempt to kill Bradford; Bradford proposed to Wilhelmina and she accepted; Claire and her prison buddy Yoga escaped; Amanda discovered that Fey was her mother; Santos proposed to Hilda and they were happier than Coney Island clams, but then he got shot randomly in a convenience store. Enough plot for you?
We open on a telenovela entitled Las Pasiones de Betty. As one might imagine, it involves Henry, a.k.a. Senor Grubstick. And Betty is a maid. And Henry is a cowboy. And a glamorous Charlie says that Betty is a whore and she's having Henry's baby. It all ends with Charlie and Henry realizing how much they love each other and pushing Betty aside. But lo! It was all a dream! And Betty is running late for work. She mentions that Daniel is getting out of the hospital today, so we've clearly skipped a little time since last season's finale. And Daniel's okay. This would be cause for celebration if he didn't always act like such a tool. Betty asks Justin if his mother is coming down, and he says, "Like she'd ever leave that room." Well that doesn't sound good. Justin doesn't want to go to his arts-and-crafts camp, which is reasonable, as they make macaroni necklaces like six-year-olds. The Suarez house is falling apart. Justin asks when Ignacio's coming back from Mexico, and Betty says he'll be home soon, adding quietly that it's got to be soon. Remember how some guy seemed like he wanted to kill Ignacio? What happened with that?
We shoot up to Hilda's bedroom. She wakes suddenly and asks, "Where'd you go?" And then, in an excellent shout-out to Dallas, Santos comes out of the bathroom door in a towel. He's bandaged around the waist, and says he feels a lot better and might be ready to go back to his place. Hilda doesn't think so, though. He says it's been three weeks, and she'll have to let him out sometime. She doesn't want to leave the room, because she's kind of freaked out about him being shot and all. Maybe he could just avoid 7-Elevens from now on? No Big Gulps, but I think staying alive is a good trade-off.
They turn on the TV, and it's the fashion buzz, featuring an oh-so-fake interview with Wilhelmina, squeezing Botox droplets out of the place where her tear ducts used to be as she talks about Alexis, who fluttered her eyelids to indicate that she wanted them to go on with their wedding. So, Alexis is clearly in a coma. Wili says something about "our girl," and we cut to Claire in a souped-up pad throwing something at the TV. Yoga walks in, looking very Ralph Lauren. The two are in Montauk, chilling in the Hamptons, which, as Yoga says, beats the crackhouse in the Bronx. She's enjoying blueberries from the farmers' market and mentions a clambake, adding that everyone thinks she's either the maid or Gayle King. Ha! Claire enjoys none of the Hamptons perks, and she really just wants to see her children and get her husband back. Her hatred of Wilhelmina has not lessened one bit. Claire thinks about returning to NYC in a disguise, of which her unknowing host has plenty. Wouldn't it be awful to come back from a vacation in Europe only to discover that convicts on the lam have eaten all of your non-perishable food items? And, knowing Yoga, gotten crumbs in the bed?
Cut to Mode, where Marc notices a candy bit on Amanda's mouth. Turns out Amanda's taken a lover with a creamy center, and now is wearing a really bad fat suit to rival Travolta's. Marc wants Amanda to confront her parents about the birth certificate she found, and then shed those excess hoss pounds she put on so quickly. She says she hasn't put on that much weight, but reconsiders when Wili calls her Betty.
Meanwhile, Daniel's in the hospital. He makes Betty scratch his big toe. Editorial assistants really should consider unionizing. He tells her he's not getting out of the hospital, and he's still in a lot of pain. Betty notes that he's taken every pain pill they've offered. He's just like La Lohan, isn't he? He says Alexis's condition is still the same, and we learn that he hasn't visited her yet. He gives Betty some notes about the feature spread to pass on to Wilhelmina, which Wili promptly throws away. Ileana Douglass has joined the cast as a creative director, and she works with Wili on a Victoria's Secret spread. Wili seems to have everything under control, including a natural-disaster-victim-makeover photo shoot, though she's more dragon-lady-ish than ever. She and Marc talk about the fact that Claire owns Mode, so Wili can't get her claws on it. She will, however, once she marries Old Man Liverspots, get the rest of Meade Publications, as long as Claire stays out of the picture. Wili has my favorite line of the episode: "Where are you, you gin-soaked hag?" I am totally incorporating that in my daily life.
Christina and Betty chat, and Christina's worried about the level of stress Betty is under, as well as the fact that she hasn't called Henry. Betty says there's too much other important stuff going on and she can't be bothered, before slamming face-first into a huge mock up of the Mode cover with the headline, "love hurts." Indeed.
Amanda and Marc head home to visit her hoity-toity suburban parents in the "house of lies." Amanda calls for her mother, adding, "if that is her real name." Her parents are not prepared for an unexpected mid-afternoon visit as they descend the stairs in some kicky sleepwear. They deny keeping any secrets, and instantly the Ted and Alice to their Bob and Carol slink down the stairs in matching blue silk robes. Amanda says she can't do it. Which, I think the post-traumatic stress disorder from finding out that your parents are swingers might make you block out just about everything. But Marc blurts out that Amanda found a birth certificate saying Fey is her real mother.
Cut to Betty at the hospital, who doesn't have a concussion but does have to wear an eye patch. Pirate Betty! Henry would be getting so hot right about now. The doctor tells her to slow down, as her heart rate and blood pressure are a little high. Betty has to get to Ignacio's lawyer's office and rushes out the door.
Back at Case de Old-Ass Foursome, Amanda learns that she's adopted and mows on some candy. It's just like that girl who found out that Joni Mitchell was her mom! Except I don't even want to know what Big Yellow Taxi is code for with these guys. Amanda yells that she can never trust her parents again and storms out.
At the hospital, Daniel chases off a paparazzi outside Alexis's ICU room. The nurse asks Daniel if he wants to see her, as he comes there every day and looks through the window. Daniel says he can't, and asks for his medication.
In the elevator at Mode, Marc and Amanda wonder who her real father is, with Marc noting that Fey was a hoochie in a bob. Anna Wintour has a needlepoint with that phrase hanging in her bathroom. Bradford enters the elevator, and a light bulb goes off in Marc's head. What kind of incestuous behavior that light bulb might illuminate is another matter entirely. Amanda is as grossed out as we are that she might have had lots of sex with her half-brother Daniel, but Marc thinks it's kind of hot. Before things get all Flowers in the Attic, Marc suggests getting some evidence in the form of Bradford's DNA. This is just like one big episode of Maury, isn't it?
Meanwhile, Betty was late to the appointment with the lawyer, and has to reschedule. She talks to Ignacio, who seems to have gotten hair plugs while in Mexico. Betty then gets a phone call from Justin's camp counselor and learns that he's taken off, due to the culturally insensitive and amateurish Indian dream-catchers they were making. He wasn't in such a rush that he didn't have the presence of mind to take a bottle of glitter, though. Just when it seems that things couldn't get any worse, a pigeon lands on Betty's shoulder. Tuppence a bag, baby. Tuppence a bag.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Santos wants to elope. Hilda won't, since Ignacio would want to walk her down the aisle. Santos then asks to see her in her wedding dress. He figures that he just got shot, so their luck can't get much worse. In other Suarez family happenings, Justin sneaks into the Mode offices.
Amanda tries to get Bradford to lick an envelope, only to get foiled by Betty. Betty herself is foiled, though, as she sees a rotting bunch of pink gerbera daisies at the reception desk. Amanda tells her they came a few weeks ago, and notes that she's been going through a lot the past few weeks. The flowers, of course, are from Henry, with a simple "thinking of you" message. We cut to the natural-disaster-victim makeover shoot, where each of the victims wears a shirt that reads, "Fire," "Flood," "Famine," et cetera. Ileana Douglass asks Betty which disaster she is. Betty freaks out and goes on a rant about how there's not enough styling gel at the Mode HQ to change the fact that the women there have lost everything. I guess Betty needs a shirt that reads, "Devious Ex-Girlfriend."
As Amanda makes another unsuccessful attempt to get a drop of blood from Bradford, Betty binges on fries. Daniel finds her at the fry counter, saying he heard about the photo shoot and thought she might need a friend. Back at Mode, Wili hates her fashion assistants, who can't seem to accessorize an outfit. She hears a whisper behind a clothes rack that says, "Lose the belt." It's Justin, or, as Wili calls him, the "fashion elf." He says the outfit's too busy and quotes Coco Chanel. Wili is impressed and notes that Justin has the gift. Marc runs in and tells Wili that "Shmaire Schmeade" is on the phone for her. Wili answers the phone with, "Is this Nobody's Most Wanted?" and Claire tells Wili to bite her. Claire asks Wili if she loves Bradford more than Mode, and says that if Wili leaves Bradford, Claire will sign Mode over to her. Claire tells Wili to meet her in Central Park at eight, and she'll be dressed as either a nun or a cat. How about a cat dressed as a nun? Wili puts on a kicky hat and tells Marc that soon, all their problems will be taken care of.
Betty admits to Daniel that the whole Henry thing got to her, even though he's just a guy. Daniel says that Henry is a guy that she loves, and tells her to go back to the office and get some things for that night, because they're going to a funeral. You know, Daniel is awfully mobile for a guy newly in a wheelchair in New York City.
Meanwhile, Marc feeds Bradford some lines about Wili not liking his ear hair in order to get some clippings for DNA. "Never send a girl to do a woman's job," he tells Amanda, as he emerges from the office with a zip-loc bag full of what looks to be the Yeti's coat. Bradford can now hear for the first time in years.
At the park, Betty is digging a grave with Daniel by her side. Daniel says Henry's gone, and Betty has to put him to rest. So she's burying all of her Henry memorabilia, including low-sodium soy sauce packets from their first sushi date. Daniel notes that Betty brought a lot of stuff and says, "We may need a bigger hole." Something tells me that's not the first time he's said that.
Hilda emerges in her wedding dress for Santos, and looks gorgeous. She wants to hear his wedding vows, and secretly thinks he never actually wrote them. But he did. Meanwhile, what appears to be Wilhelmina, based on the hat and outfit, walks into a tunnel, where a nun is coming toward her. Have none of these people seen The Brave One? Yeesh. Turns out the nun is Yoga, who says, "Say your prayers, bitch." The real Claire sneaks into Bradford's office, sees his chair back in front of the computer, and says that they don't have much time, and Wilhelmina's at the park. The chair turns around and Wili's in it. "Is she?" she asks. Back at the park, we discover that Marc is dressed in a Wili costume. Wili asks if Claire thought Wili would really fall for her ruse, since she knows that Claire would never sell out her kids. Wili says it's okay, because even though she won't have Mode, soon she'll have everything else. She fixes Claire a drink and tells her that she'll have to down it quickly, since the police will be there in three minutes. Claire says she only needs one, and then lands a right hook square on Wili's eye. Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I actually think that being in prison has been good for Claire.
Back at the park, Betty finally is through all of her Henry memorabilia, and delivers a little eulogy. This is interspersed with Hilda's vows to Santos, and it's not so unlike Amy Sedaris making a cheeseball with Martha Stewart. Betty says that she guesses she feels a little better, and maybe she can start fresh. Daniel looks at his pill bottle and says he needs a fresh start, too. He admits to Betty that the reason he and Alexis were in an accident is that Daniel was high and Alexis was rushing him to the rehab hospital. On a long, windy, tree-lined street. In the middle of New York City. Daniel doesn't know if he'll ever be able to get over the guilt, but says he can get over being so cracked-out all the time. He throws his pills in the grave. Way to defile Betty's tribute to her relationship with Henry, you schmuck.
Back at Mode, Marc has been mugged and, apparently, clubbed in the knee, and Wili has a black eye. She says that Claire isn't going away easily, and apparently she has friends. Wili thinks she needs protection.
At the hospital, Daniel sits outside of Alexis's room for a moment, and finally decides to enter. He starts talking to her, then starts crying, then says he's so sorry and that this should be him. And then Alexis says, "I'm thirsty." Daniel totally just brought her out of her coma! Cheesy. But then Alexis says to Daniel, "Why do you keep calling me Alexis? It's me, Alex." Oh, shit! Do not get all trannified and then fall into a coma, is the lesson we learned today.
Betty cooks at Casa de Suarez as Justin enters. She calls him out on his trolling around Mode. But it's all good, because Betty talked to Daniel and they need an intern for the few weeks before school starts. Justin is ecstatic, as am I. In the bedroom, Hilda and Santos talk about opening presents, before Santos says they can't stay in that room forever, and he has to go. Hilda asks for one more day, but Santos tells her it's going to be okay. They kiss and embrace. Betty knocks on the door and asks if there's any chance that Hilda wants to come down and help her and Justin make dinner. And then we see Hilda sitting alone in the dark. Oooh! It's totally reverse Bobby Ewing. Sad times. Hilda says, "He's gone, Betty," then acknowledges that's the first time she's said that out loud. Betty holds Hilda, who cries. I think I underestimate Ana Ortiz as an actress, because I totally got teary during this scene.
And then, Henry steps out of a bus and into Times Square. Is that a paternity test in his suitcase, or is he just happy to be in New York?
week: Too much stimulus, I have no idea what's going on. The one beam of light bursting through the fog is Wilhelmina scowling and saying, "I smell a burrito." Awesome.