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Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Oh, where to begin in this hour full of tragedy? Okay, first of all, Betty decides that she's going to fight for Henry. She tells him so, upon peril of vomiting, and he surprises her by saying that he broke up with Charlie. Woo, right? Well, hold that "woo" for now, because bitch got herself knocked up, and Henry's going back with her to Tucson. But! Maybe get a half "woo," because Betty discovers from her perky dental hygienist (played by Kristen Chenoweth) that Charlie had been having an affair with good old Dr. Farkas for a few months. So the baby might not be Henry's! Meanwhile, Bradford proposes to Wilhelmina. When she must battle Fabia for her date of choice at St. Patrick's Cathedral, she trades June 16 for Marc. I know! But after remembering all the good times she and Marc have had together, she pushes the wedding off until November and gets him back. This may or may not work out for her, as Claire and her friend Yoga used the oldest give-a-diabetic-a-candy-bar prison-break scam in the book, and appear to be well on their way to vengeance. Daniel is still hopped up on his mystery drug, and has to feign a story about saving a Girl Scout to explain the black eye he got when his thug drug dealer beat him up and robbed him. Betty buys it, and when she tells Alexis, who sees right through the bull, Alexis suggests that she call a press conference. Betty does, and Alexis predictably humiliates him. There go his free Thin Mints. After Daniel discovers that Bradford is marrying Wilhelmina, he is driven over the edge and takes way too many pills with way too much liquor. He goes to say goodbye to Alexis, and his heartfelt words to her, along with the fact that he is quite possibly going to OD, bring out some long-lost sibling love. Alexis quickly decides to take him to a hospital, but because all the town cars are unavailable due to a party thrown by Paula Abdul, she decides to use Bradford's car. And you know how she hired that guy to off Bradford? Well, he apparently decided to cut Bradford's brakes. She discovers this a little too late, and the car crashes. The last we see of Daniel and Alexis, they are unconscious. Man, Paula Abdul ruins everything. Amanda accidentally reveals Fey's Secret Love Dungeon to Christina, and the two women get locked in there together. They do some boozing and bonding, and when they crack the code to Fey's safe they discover a long held secret -- Fey is Amanda's mother. And then, saddest of all things. Justin fed Joey Colano some walnuts and he broke out in hives, which means that Justin gets to perform the lead in West Side Story. On the way to the show, Santos stops at a convenience store to get a card. And the convenience store is being robbed. And when Santos intervenes to try to take down the masked thief, he is shot. We don't actually see if he is dead or not, but things don't look good. The police come to the Suarez house and find Betty, who has to go to the school play and pull Hilda from the audience. As they talk in the hall, Hilda cries and wails and falls to the floor to the strains of "Somewhere," and Ugly Betty bids us adios for the season. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Ugly Betty: Santos proposed to Hilda. Alexis paid some thugs to off her father. Wili plotted to take over Meade Publications and succeeded in getting Bradford to divorce Claire. Claire was not so happy about this and seemed like she quite possibly wanted to kill Wili. An out-of-it Henry told Betty that he loved her just before Charlie told her to back off. But no matter; a spiritual journey through Mexico led Betty to decide to fight for her man. And her right to party. But mostly her man. Daniel's seeming addiction to mystery pills left him incompetent at work and vulnerable to getting beat up by drug dealers. Ass. Ignacio was denied his visa, so the rest of the Suarez family returned to the States without him. And nothing occurred that could prepare you for what's about to happen in this final episode of the season. I'm just saying.
We enter with a picture of Betty in full sombrero and Mexican gear leading a mule. What a cheery beginning! I hope no sort of tragedy strikes to alter the mood of this seemingly lighthearted episode. Betty is at the office, leaving an awkward message for Henry. She first goes on about not knowing at what point you can say, "It's me," rather than, "It's Betty," and have the person know who you are. I would say that after someone says "I love you," even if they were somewhat incapacitated while doing so, you don't have to identify yourself by name. Betty wants to talk to Henry, and she tells him to give her a ringle. No, spellcheck, not a ringlet. A ringle. I, myself, would ask for a Pringle. Once you pop, you can't stop, probably because of whatever secretly terrifying chemicals they use to make that delicious salty powder found on the flavored varieties. Mmm, powder that approximates the taste of actual food. How I love thee.
Daniel enters, sporting a bright pink tie. There is nothing that so screams, "I am addicted to a vaguely sinister mystery drug from overseas!" like a bright pink tie. He asks how the trip was, and Betty tells him that there were some complications with her father's visa, but they just talked to the lawyer and Ignacio should be home soon. Daniel calls her "Dora the Explorer" at one point, which I think would be grounds for a lawsuit. Betty tells Daniel that she has a present for him, and pulls a giant sombrero from an even more giant bag. I love the fact that, despite actually being Mexican, Betty still embraces Mexican kitsch. Maybe this is why she doesn't seem to mind when Marc and Amanda call her Juan Valdez? Daniel, in whose whacked-out state that sombrero must look like the spaceship come to take him home, says that Betty shouldn't have. In fact, Betty didn't. The sombrero is for Henry. Daniel gets a mystical rock that is supposed to help him on his journey of enlightenment, or with some discomfort at that time of the month. Betty says that he deserves it, since he's been working so hard to clean himself up.
Daniel makes some sarcastic remark about being all cleaned up, then turns so that Betty sees his giant black eye. Betty asks if Alexis was responsible. I love how everyone knows that, balls or no, Alexis can totally kick the crap out of Daniel if given the opportunity. Daniel tells Betty that in fact, he got the black eye when he saved a Girl Scout who had fallen into the lake at Central Park. In diving in -- you know, to save her -- he hit his head on a rock. Do you think that if a person actually did this, they'd get a lifetime supply of Girl Scout Cookies? Because if so, I am going to start wandering the streets looking for a Scout in distress. If any of you are willing to facilitate the process by pushing a Scout into a river or in front of a bus or something, I'll give you 30% of the cookie profit. Daniel tries to play it off, because it is a lie, and a stupid one at that, but he can't stop Betty from being impressed. She says that he's a hero and that he deserves the sombrero after all. She is proud. Daniel is ashamed. Variation on a theme.
We cut to a little red box placed to the head of a sleeping Wilhelmina. She turns over with a smile and says, "I thought I smelled jewelry." No Tiffany's blue box? For shame, Bradford. Bradford says that the box is his way of thanking her for giving him a second chance at happiness. And I totally thought that she was going to open it and find, like, cufflinks or something. Fake out! But in fact, Bradford asks if Wili will spend the rest of her unscrupulous, conniving life with him. She beams, and says she will. She then opens the box to find a gaudy, diamond encrusted flower ring. Ha! It's a small price to pay for all the evildoing, but still. Daniel says that it represents the blooming of their love. It also represents the fact that he has no taste. Wili says that she's deliriously happy, and feels like she's in a fairy tale. Bradford says that he's her beautiful princess. Yeah, maybe. But I still wouldn't take any apples from her. Wili rolls her eyes, because she still can't stand Bradford.
Cut to the prison yard, where Claire in blue jumpsuit couture calls Wili a homewrecking slut, and says that she knows Wili got Bradford to send over the divorce papers. Yoga tells her to shut up and stack another set of quarters. And by that, she means weights. Yoga is something of an imposing figure. Claire politely asks if Yoga doesn't want to retain just a dash of femininity. Yoga gives her a glare and Claire responds, "Buff and beautiful." Heh. It is a love story for the ages. A perhaps even more imposing bald woman stands by them, and Claire whispers to Yoga that Yoga said she would help her. Bradford won't see her or take her calls, but if she could just get to him, she knows she could save her marriage. Yoga tells her to relax, and says that it's all going down when they're transferred upstate tomorrow. There will be four people in the van -- Claire, Yoga, the bald woman, whose name is actually Chartreuse, and Sugar Free Shirley, the diabetic. Yoga says that Sugar Free is going to be the key to their plan. And what a haggard, freaky key it is.
Meanwhile, Alexis is on the phone in her office, asking the thug she paid to off Bradford when he's going to take care of things. She says that the waiting is freaking her out. Also freaking her out might be the fact that she paid a dude to kill her father. Just a theory. The thug says that it will happen when it happens, the less she knows the better, and she'd better not be stupid enough to call him again. That's the thing about thugs -- they have no manners. Betty comes in asking if Alexis heard the news, and Alexis immediately asks if something happened to her father. But, in fact, Betty is talking about how "Daniel" "saved" "a" "Girl Scout." Alexis, of course, being smarter than Daniel, realizes that it's all bull. Betty says that she knows things have been rough between Alexis and Daniel, but deep down, Daniel is a really good guy. Alexis wryly says that sometimes she does forget that, and suggests that they hold a press conference to celebrate his heroic efforts. Betty says that she's on it and Alexis smiles. It should be noted that her shirt approximates the color of Daniel's tie. See, they're not so different after all!
Cut to Amanda slinking through the closet Mission Impossible-style. She works her way over to the hook that reveals The Secret Love Dungeon, then enters and caws for Marc. I must say that The Secret Love Dungeon is HUGE, and quite impressive. He asks what took so long, and she says she had to wait for Christina to go to the bathroom. She adds that Christina retains water like a two-humped camel. See, veteran drinkers know that you don't break the seal. Marc says that speaking of humps, he's figured out what Fey used the secret room for, and shows Amanda some bondage gear set up on a mannequin. They both throw up a little at the thought of Fey and Bradford utilizing this gear, and Marc says, "Now every time I look at the old man I'm going to picture him trussed up like a Christmas goose with a ball gag in his mouth." Thank goodness I don't eat goose. Marc and Amanda agree not to tell anyone about TSLD, except for the occasional delivery guy they can lure in there to open up his packages. Tee! Amanda calls Marc a bad boy and whips him in the butt. He asks for it again and again, until she says, "Okay, this is getting creepy, even for us."
Back in her office, Alexis is railing to Nick that her pathetic loser of a brother stole her story. Turns out when she was fourteen, she rescued a kid from drowning in Central Park. How does she keep that figure with all the cookies? Alexis doesn't know how Daniel got the shiner, but something tells her that he won't want it in the press. You know, maybe if she shared a Tagalong once in a while, there would be a little more harmony in the family.
Meanwhile, Daniel enters his office and pops one of his pills, which he's taken to storing in an Altoid tin. Betty says she's never seen mints so small, and Daniel distracts her by noting that Henry's at her desk and she should go and make awkward small talk with her little friend. Betty quickly asks for a mint, saying that she just had an onion bagel. Daniel tries to talk her out of it, and she actually breathes in his face. That kind of behavior should be decried by employee handbooks everywhere. For a minute I totally thought that Daniel would give her a pill, and that Betty would get all wacky on the junk, too, which would really make things interesting with Henry. But, no such luck.
Betty approaches Henry, who says a) that "ringle" is his new favorite word, and b) that he knows it's her when she says, "It's me." Oh my God, TLA, TLF!!!! Okay, calm down, Potes. Betty wants to talk somewhere private, so she drags him off to...the copy room. That's what happens when you don't have access to The Secret Love Dungeon. Betty has to shout over the running copier, and keeps getting interrupted by people who, you know, want to make copies. Where is the guy going, "Betty. Betty Bettarino. Sweaty Betty. Betty Davis thighs"? Betty tells Henry that she did a lot of thinking in Mexico. She realized that you rarely get everything what you want in life, but if you don't fight for it, you have even less of a chance. So here she is, fighting. But not literally, thank God, because she'd most certainly get her glasses broken. She's fighting for Henry. She says that she knows he's still with Charlie, but the two of them would be amazing together. They each know what the other one is thinking, they laugh at the same things, and Henry makes her mouth go dry whenever he walks into the room. That actually sounds like it might be a disorder. Henry gets a big smile. Betty asks only that when Henry rejects her he does it quickly. Like ripping a Band-Aid off...of her heart. Okay, there has to be a song with that title somewhere in the world, right?
But wait! Henry is not going to reject her. He broke up with Charlie, because there's someone else. Someone who makes his mouth go dry. And it's Betty. Just as they are about to try out their arid kisses, Amanda bursts in to see who's hogging the copier. She hilariously says, "Ewwwww. Dorcus interruptus," and Betty and Henry yell at her to get out. She does, and she calls out to the rest of the office that Betty's in heat. But no matter. Henry says that they need to have a real date. Their first date. As a crowd gathers and someone asks, "Is that the guy who looks like C3PO?" they agree on tomorrow at eight. Henry leaves and Betty gets a big smile on her face. She opens up the copier and accidentally hits the "go" button, which results in a copy of big, smiling, Betty. Which is not how copiers work at all, but if you can suspend your disbelief long enough to think that Betty and Henry have easily achieved unfettered happiness ten minutes into the finale, I think you can kid yourself about the workings of Xerox, too. Commercials.
When we return, we are in the office of Dr. Farkas. Or should I say Dr. Fu...well, let's save that one for later, shall we? Betty tells perky dental hygienist (and special guest star!) Kristin Chenoweth that she's just there for a cleaning -- she has a date with a guy she's crazy about, and she wants her teeth to sparkle. Kristin Chenoweth -- a.k.a. Diane -- says that it's so romantic, just like when Julia Roberts flossed before whoring herself in Pretty Woman. She adds that it's a great movie, with an important message. Be the prettiest prostitute on the block and you'll end up happy? I don't see how this helps Betty.
This touching moment is interrupted when a trollish -- and, frankly, Betty-esque -- dental hygienist says that Betty just had a cleaning two months ago, so her insurance won't pay for it. Diane says, "Rinse and spit, Angelica, just put it through!" As it turns out, the actress playing this role is Angelica Vale, who also plays the protagonist, Lety, in La Fea Mas Bella, the Mexican version of Ugly Betty. So if Kristin Chenoweth left and Charlize Theron entered, we could have a "Pretty Actresses Playing Ugly" convention. Diane asks where Angelica's sense of romance is, and says that Betty's doing this for the man she loves. She suggests that they give Betty pink rubber bands, which Betty says would be fun. Angelica counters that dentistry is not about fun. Not according to Hermey the Elf! He's willing to give up a workshop full of toys just for the privilege of scraping someone's molar. Angelica says that Diane thinks she can break the rules because she's pretty and blonde, and Diane says that she's just jealous that they had a nitrous party the other night and didn't invite her. Angelica pops back to say that was unethical and costly, and Diane yells, "Back to your cave, Shrek!" Awww, every workplace is just like Mode.
Diane tells Betty to believe in the magic, and says that she's totally Bridget Jones. Even if she's only talking about the first movie, I don't think I'd take a Zellweger comparison too well if I were Betty. Shudder. Diane notices a cavity and tells Betty that they can take care of it right away. Betty says no. She'll come back tomorrow, but she doesn't want the Novocain today. If her lips tingle tonight, she wants it to be because of Henry. Diane says that Betty is such a chick flick. Which she is, and which is why we all love this show. Well, that and Wili, Marc, and Amanda.
Meanwhile, Hilda and Santos are bickering about flowers and other sorts of wedding details. Justin enters and asks Hilda to run West Side Story lines with him, in case something bad should happen to Joey Colano and he has to go on as Tony. But Hilda is freaking out about the wedding. Santos asks Justin, who will be his best man, if he doesn't want to help with what they're doing, and Justin says he told Hilda if she went with green organza for the bridesmaids, she was on her own. Hilda says that she was thinking they should have the wedding at Our Lady Of Guadalupe, to the gas station. And she wants someone named Fat Louie to DJ. Maybe it's a relative?
Cut to Miss Wilhelmina Slater, who's also planning a wedding. She tells Marc she wants St. Patrick's Cathedral and the Harlem Boys Choir releasing doves. No! The force of evil is so great within her that who knows what will happen to those poor doves' heads. We go back and forth between the two brides a few times, ending with Santos saying to Hilda, "I love you," and Wilhelmina saying to the mirror, "I love me." When we finally settle on Wili, Marc tries to butter her up before telling her that they have a teeny-tiny Cindy-Crawford-mole-sized problem. Turns out, St. Patrick's Cathedral is booked on June 16. As this is the only date that works for both Wili and Bradford, Wili tells Marc to bump the other bride. But, horror or horrors, the other bride is actually Fabia. Not only did she book St. Patrick's, but Elton John will perform at the ceremony. He's rewritten "Candle in the Wind" for her. Wili is candle in the chagrined, as Elton is also rewriting the song for her. Marc says, "Ugh. Give that queen $20 and she'll rewrite it for anybody." It's funny because it's true. Wili tells Marc to get Fabia there ASAP, because Wedding Summit '07 -- Dual To The Death -- is on.
Meanwhile, Betty tells Daniel she has someone in his office she wants him to meet. Yeah, that worked out really well last time when the sex therapist she arranged for him to meet turned him into a tweaked-out drug addict. Sometimes, Betty should just stay at her desk and mind her business. They open the door to see a press conference, complete with a whole troop of Girl Scouts. Daniel, with an air of mild panic, says he doesn't know what to say. Alexis enters and says he might tell everyone the exact details of his rescue. Daniel helpfully says that there was a drowning Girl Scout, and he saved her. Alexis asks what time of day, and Daniel says it was morning. Alexis asks if she wouldn't be in school. Daniel says maybe she was skipping. Alexis asks if Girl Scouts skip school, and the troop enthusiastically says, "Noooooooooooo!" Alexis asks how Daniel hit his head, and he says he slipped on some rocks coming out of the lake. Betty says she thought he hit his head diving in. Alexis says she thinks he's lying, and asks the troop if it's good to lie. You would think at least one of the New York City Girl Scouts would say, "Bitch, I'd lie like a rug if it would shut your silicone ass up." But that is not to be, and Daniel is once again publicly humiliated.
Meanwhile, back in the pokey, a transaction is taking place. Yoga passes something to Chartreuse, who passes something to a weight-lifting Claire. Claire then goes up to Sugar Free, who asks why she should do this. Claire says she'll put $50,000 in Sugar Free's daughter's account. Little Sorbitol Susan will be doing pretty well for herself. Claire asks Sugar Free to take the candy bar, and she does. Yoga comes up to Claire and says, "Nice work, Bitch." Claire asks what happened to her charming nickname, "Fish," and Yoga says, "Fish become Bitch after two weeks." I don't know what any of this means, but I sure hope I never end up in a women's prison.
Back at the office, Daniel has explained to Betty that he got beat up by a drug dealer, who took some money and a very expensive watch that Daniel didn't like anyway. Bradford probably designed that one for his twenty-fifth birthday. Daniel says it's okay, and he adds, "It's not like I'm going to use him again." Buzzkill Betty of course hones in on the fact that he shouldn't be using drugs at all. Daniel tells her not to look at him like that -- it's like medicine, and at least he isn't using sex to avoid his problems. Betty says this is because he's using drugs to avoid his problems. Daniel says he knows she's disappointed in him, and Betty walks out, saying she's way past being disappointed. In a roundabout way, though, this is kind of all her fault. At least when Daniel was getting laid all the time, he was kind of fun and most certainly less tragic.
Down the hall at Wili's office, Fabia has arrived. She asks why she's there, since the meeting about her layout is tomorrow, and Wili says she couldn't wait to congratulate Fab on her upcoming nuptials. Fabia pats her chest, thanks Wilhelmina, and says she got them done for the wedding. She also apparently had her mouth widened, because she looks like the Joker. She shows Wili a photo of her octogenarian fiancé, the largest shipping magnate in the world. She has to marry him before his bambinos cut her out of the will. Fabia says that Wili must come to the ceremony, since she won't be able to get married without her something old. Wili replies that with the veins in her legs, she already has something blue. Wili says that it's too bad she won't be able to attend Fabia's wedding, since she's getting married to Bradford on the 16th. Fabia replies that it's too bad she won't be able to get St. Patrick's Day [sic] Cathedral. Wili cuts to the chase and says that she wants St. Patrick's, and she wants Elton John, and there must be something she can give Fabia in exchange. She'll do anything. As her mouth widens in the manner of Pinocchio's nose, Fabia points at Marc and says, "I want that girl." Nooooooooooo!
Back at Casa de Suarez, Betty is on the phone with Ignacio, asking for cooking advice. Okay, I'm the whitest whitey from the shores of White Plains, and even I can make a quesadilla. She says that it's her first date with Henry, and she wants it to be perfect. Ignacio remembers his first date with Betty's mother. The dinner she prepared tasted like shoe leather, but he didn't care because she made it. He tells Betty that she has nothing to prove, because Henry already loves her. Awwww. Betty misses Ignacio. He says he'll be home before she knows it, and that she should remember the most important thing -- the take-out menus are on top of the fridge. The two say "I love you" to one another and get off the phone.
And then, there is a ring of the doorbell. A happy Betty does not realize that it is the Ring Of Doom. And no, Bradford didn't design this one. This one is all Charlie's. Betty asks what Charlie is doing there, and Charlie angrily says that she tried Henry at the office, but the receptionist told her he'd be at Betty's. Oooh, Amanda must have loved fielding that call. Betty, who is put off, says that she's just making him dinner. And then, Charlie drops it like it's hot as a habanero. She says, "Oh really? Well I have something in the oven, too. I'm pregnant." Again...noooooooooooooooooo! And also, cheap. Commercials.
When we return, Betty is in shock. Charlie says that she's leaving for Tucson tomorrow and thought Henry should know as soon as possible. And ruining Betty and Henry's date was a nice bonus. And then, Henry shows up with a bouquet of gerbera daisies. It would be sweet, would that he had not just knocked up some other chick. Henry asks Charlie what she's doing there, and she asks if they can go outside and talk. Betty tells Henry that he should talk to her, and Charlie gets a little smug, self-satisfied kind of look. Betty has the look of someone whose life has just been ruined. Which, kind of. Just one more reason why it sucks to be Betty!
The morning, Hilda plays with bride and groom piñatas. They make me kind of miss the giant Barbie head. Justin comes running down the stairs, shrieking that he's Tony -- Joey Colano woke up this morning totally covered in hives. Hilda expresses sympathy, and Justin says that Joey must have gotten an allergic reaction to the walnuts he ate. Hilda asks why, if he were allergic to walnuts, he'd eat them, and Justin says, "It's not my fault that he wanted to trade sandwiches." Hilda says she didn't put walnuts in his chicken salad, and Justin says that he might have, since Rachel Ray says it adds a little crunch. Ah, the perky face of evil. Justin asks what's with the third degree, and says that Hilda should be happy, because her son is Tony. As someone who's deathly allergic to walnuts, I have to posit here that, as much as I like Justin, karma is going to come at him with a bee sting to the ass and no Epi-pen in sight. To all the kids out there: do NOT mess with food allergies.
Meanwhile, Betty is pacing in the closet, stuffing her face with chocolates and telling Christina about the drama with Henry. She's waiting for Henry's call, and is particularly anxious because Charlie's flight for Tucson leaves tonight. Christina says soothingly, "Betty, just because she's pregnant doesn't mean he's going to get back with the whore." Hee. Betty gets a text message from Henry, asking if they can talk, and then she scurries off. As Christina tries a chocolate, Amanda exits The Secret Love Dungeon. Christina turns around to see Amanda standing in front of the shoe rack, and asks where she came from. Amanda, genius that she is, replies, "Ummm. Nowhere." Christina says that she wasn't there a second ago, and Amanda slurs, "Yes I was. How drunk are you?" And then she totally leans onto the hook that opens TSLD. Nice going!
Both women enter, with Christina expressing disbelief that Fey's Secret Love Dungeon is real, and Amanda lamenting that her secret place has been ruined. Christina spits, "Oh, please, your special place was ruined years ago." Hey, everyone has to go to summer camp sometime, okay? Amanda tells Christina to get out and tries to open the doors, but it turns out they're stuck shut. D'oh! The women pound on the doors and yell for help. The mannequins, free of being stuck with pins for the foreseeable future, laugh mirthlessly.
Cut to Bradford's office. He has just told Daniel that he's divorcing Claire, and Daniel can't believe that he's doing so after thirty years of marriage, and when Claire needs him more than ever. Daniel says, "For what? So you can be alone?" Daniel is, like, forty watts, max. Bradford says he doesn't intend to be alone, adding that he's been lucky enough to find someone who loves him, and he'd be a fool to pass that by. Well, I guess Daniel comes by his stupidity honestly. Daniel asks who it is, and Wilhelmina stalks out of the shadows. She adds a sinister, "Call me mommy," for good measure. Ew, I bet she tells Bradford to call her mommy, too. Gag.
Meanwhile, it is sad times for Betty. Henry's going back to Tucson with the whore. He grew up without a father, and he can't do the same thing to his child. So instead, he will endure a life of bitter defeat and despair that psychologically scars both himself and all his progeny. Awesome. Betty gets why he's doing it, but says that for one day she thought they.... She trails off, but were she to continue that sentence, I suspect it would end, "were totally boyfriend-girlfriend." She says she was happy, and Henry responds in turn. Oh, le sad! But nothing is easy when your nickname is "ugly." I have to say though, that either I'm getting used to Betty's wardrobe or her sweater vests are getting cuter. Given that Henry and Charlie are leaving for Tucson tonight, this is his and Betty's last goodbye. And we all hate to feel the love between them die. Henry hopes that Betty has a wonderful life, because she deserves it. Instead of yelling, "Try wearing a freakin' condom once in a while, sperminator!" Betty succumbs to a lingering yet non-slobbery kiss. With the city behind them, the two bid each other adieu. Henry goes off with that steel-rod-in-the-spine walk of his, and we and Betty are left to ponder all the ways in which life equals suffering as we head to commercials.
When we return, Fabia and her entourage -- including, quite sadly, Marc -- are meeting with Wili and her entourage -- not including, quite sadly, Marc -- about her cosmetics layout. She wants all of her models to look like they're suffering from sickness from radiation, like Chernobyl. Only this time it is her makeup that makes them glow. Wili says it's brilliant, and Marc squints his eyes at her in disapproval. Fabia picks up her little dog to leave, and notes that he made her proud. She then tells Marc to clean it up. He does as everyone files out, and Wili tells him that she wants to explain. But first she takes a big sniff and asks if he's smoking. He is -- Fabia makes him. And she also makes him eat pasta. Quelle horreur! Wili asks what's wrong with his eyes, and Marc says that Fabia doesn't believe in testing her products on animals, but she does believe in testing them on assistants. Oh, he is like a little red-eyed rat. Wearing a turtleneck. And a pompadour. Wili says that's awful, then asks about the insurance. They both are pleased that he gets full dental. But just as things are on the upswing, Fabia yells, "Marco!" Instead of responding, "Polo!" Marc just looks sad. He tells Wili that he hopes June 16th was worth it, and he walks off with downcast eyes.
Wili gets a funny look, and we hear a funny, squeezing, crackling sound accompanied by the smell of burnt toast. Because word has it in Modeville, from those fierce and fey, that Wili's black heart grew three sizes that day! Not so her feet, which would have been a more fitting punishment and most likely been a dealbreaker for Bradford. She wistfully sits on the edge of a table as sax music and the dulcet sounds of -- hey! That's Vanessa Williams singing! -- "The Way We Were" lead us into a "Best of Marc N' Wili" montage. He injects her with Botox. He rubs her feet as she giggles like a schoolgirl being pleasured for the first time. He waves a spring roll in front of her mouth when she has succumbed to temporary blindness. He dresses up like Betty, and she scolds him but secretly likes it. He crashes into a glass cabinet like so many disoriented birds. She punches him. Twice. Hard. And he knocks her down some stairs. Ah, the good times. She exits this reverie with a guilty look, then goes on with her day.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Justin is freaking out. Well, that's a nice change from Hilda freaking out. He has to go on in two hours and he has lost his ability to snap. "What kind of gang member can't snap?" he asks. The ones who use tiny whistles to summon their bitches? She tells him to relax, and that she made him a pizza bagel. Justin asks if Angela Lansbury ate a pizza bagel before she opened in Sweeney Todd. If she did, it was likely topped with pterodactyl sausage and grubs. Hilda gives the bagel, which is suspiciously devoid of any pizza-like toppings, to Santos. Santos, who is all of a sudden awesome, tells Justin that he's going to do great. Justin asks if he'll be there, and Santos says he wouldn't miss it. You know, unless in a dramatic twist he was SHOT or something. Whoo. Calm down, Potes, it's just a show. Santos then tells Justin that spitting on his fingers will help him snap. And it does! There is smiling and snapping and smiling and snapping and more smiling and snapping. And you know as well as I do that nothing good can come of that much smiling and snapping.
Meanwhile, black-eyed Daniel peers through Alexis's door, then enters her office. She asks if he's lost again and tells him that his office is two doors down. Daniel, whose stumbling about is matched only by a shirt that is tucked in on one side and -- how do I put this delicately -- back sweat, tells Alexis that he came to say goodbye. She says she'll see him tomorrow, but he says she won't. He quit. She asks what he's babbling about, and he says there's nothing left there. Claire is going to be in jail for who knows how long, and Daniel just heard about Bradford and Wilhelmina, and suspects that they'll have some devil child together. Oooh, that would be a great Season 2 finale twist! Alexis says she's lost. I wonder if she doesn't know about Bradhelmina? Daniel says that the funny thing is that he doesn't have anyone to turn to. He then says that he guesses that's actually not very funny. Well, not ha-ha funny. Alexis tells him, quite correctly, that he's loaded, and he knocks a glass something or other off of her desk and yells, "Oh just admit it! You hate me!" Hasn't she already admitted that, like, twelvefold? And now the Girl Scouts hate him too. Thin Mints have never tasted so bitter.
Daniel continues that he doesn't hate Alexis. In fact, when he thought she was dead, he'd visit her grave every Sunday. He says, "Sometimes I still want to. 'Cause I still miss you." Okay, even though he's a total tool, that got to me a little. And it gets to Alexis. She walks over to him, puts her hand gently on his shoulder, and asks what he took and how many. Daniel says it was seven, and adds that he's taken more in the past, but never with this much booze. See, how is lots of sex worse than this? Nick comes in, and Alexis tells him that she's taking Daniel to Pinecrest and needs a town car, stat. Nick says that it might be a while -- Paula Abdul's fragrance release party is tonight and the town cars are booked solid. One can only imagine that particular fragrance is called, "Eau de Batshit," and smells of red wine that's just starting to get vinegary, with a hint of wet dog. Alexis tells him to run down to the valet and get the keys to her dad's car. Daniel says that he has to go to Paula's party, or she'll hate him too. Dude, she'd get one look at him and think she's in front of a mirror.
Meanwhile, Betty is at Dr. Farkas's, getting the cavity filled. Diane, to whom Betty has obviously told the whole, sad story of her life, says that she thinks Henry was trapped, adding, "You know she poked a hole in that condom!" She offers Betty some nitrous, but Betty says she wants to feel the pain. Diane says that she hates this mystery girl who ruined Betty's life, and asks for her name, so she can hate her with a name. Betty tells her that it's Charlie. Diane says that's funny, because Dr. Farkas has been dating someone named Charlie for about two months. Betty says it can't be the same person, because Charlie's been with Henry. Diane says that Dr. Farkas's Charlie is a cute redhead. Who makes jewelry. Diane shows Betty a hideous bracelet, and Betty knows: it's the same Charlie! No way! And also: cheap, once again. Betty says that she took Dr. Farkas to Charlie's birthday party, and actually introduced them. Diane says that Charlie is a cheater, which makes a really cheap plotline. I mean, seriously. Charlie seemed so nice! It made things way more complex and interesting when she wasn't such a scheming whore. In any case, Betty, who is doubtlessly having heart palpitations, realizes something potentially life-changing: seven months from now, Charlie could actually be giving birth to little Marcus Farkas. In other words, the baby might not be Henry's. Commercials.
When we return, Betty has just left a message on Henry's cell saying that she really needs to talk to him. Diane enters and expresses disbelief. Would Reese Witherspoon leave a message on a cell? Would Drew Barrymore? Betty says that she doesn't think either Reese or Drew would be calling Henry. But if they did, divorce or no, that Phillippe character would be jealous as a magpie, and with good reason. Diane says that they're not calling, because they're already halfway to the airport to stop that plane and declare their love for their man! Yeah! She tells Betty that this is her movie, and her chance to get the happy ending she's always wanted. And not the kind you get at the twenty-four-hour "massage parlor" on North Main Street. It's the Drew Barrymore kind. She tells Betty to go home and put on a totally cute top and run a brush through her hair, or, maybe try a hat. Isn't that wasting precious minutes? Go directly to the airport! Oh, but wait. Then she wouldn't be able to partake in the more tragic of the tragedies. Betty rushes out, then comes back, saying that she has Justin's show, and she doesn't know the flight number, and what about security? Diane invokes the words that have spurred out countless generation of women -- Drew Barrymore! And Betty is off again.
Back at Mode, Wili yells to someone named Lorraine that she needs graphics. Marc pops up at her side ready to meet her request. Without looking at him, she says, "What happened to you, Lorraine, you suddenly seem more feminine?" Marc tells her that Fabia fired him with no explanation. So he's free, and ready to go back to work for her, if she'll have him. Wili says that he does already know how she likes her coffee. He adds, "Not to mention how you plotted to destroy Daniel and convinced Bradford to divorce Claire and marry you so that you could take over Meade Enterprises." "Yeah, that too," she says. Is it wrong that I want to be in the middle of a Wilhelmina/Marc sandwich at least twenty-two out of twenty-four hours of the day? Because if so, I don't want to be right.
Marc asks what's on the agenda, particularly with the wedding. Wili says that she changed the date -- she and Bradford aren't getting married until November. Marc is surprised, but then gets a knowing look. He asks if Wili traded Fabia back the 16th in exchange for him. If so, she's an Indian giver. But also not quite the cold, heartless bee-yotch we had once suspected, even if she initially sold Marc into a kind of indentured servitude. She says coolly that she just realized her colors were better suited for a fall wedding. Marc gets behind her and gives her a hug, and he wears a little hint of a smile. And soon, nothing else. Ha ha -- no, that didn't happen. But if it had, that would out-twist anything yet to come in this finale. "You did not just hug me," she says, and Marc says of course he didn't before going to unpack his stuff at his desk. Awwww. These two are more star-crossed than Betty and Henry. Or than Betty and Daniel, depending on which side you're on.
Meanwhile, Christina and Amanda are doing some boozing and bonding in The Secret Love Dungeon. Amanda, Muppet-Janice-like in her delivery, finishes a story with, "And I never told anybody this, but his name was Bill Cosby." Girl, I do not want to hear anything more about what that man did with his pudding pop. Amanda says that they've been talking a lot about her, which has been fun. Christina guesses that Amanda wants to hear one of her secrets, and Amanda coos, "You wanna kiss me, don't you?" Christina does not. However, she tells Amanda that she has a husband back in Scotland. This makes her ten percent more interesting to Amanda. Christina says that he's an insurance auditor, and Amanda adjusts it to five percent. Christina says that it was less than that, and the only time things got interesting were when he'd come home drunk and throw the furniture around. So one morning she got up, made Stuart his breakfast, and went off to the airport. To this day, he has no idea where she is. Well, he'll be relieved that she didn't show up two years later as Christopher.
Amanda notes that there's more to Christina than her accent, then says that she can kiss her now. Christina yells that Amanda is all about sex, and doesn't have one secret about anything else. But Amanda does have one: Fey Sommers was a family friend, which is how she got her job at Mode. Amanda's dad handled Fey's money, and asked her to hook Amanda up after her acting career fizzled. This gave birth to lifetime receptionist Amanda Tannen. Who is about to become "Lifetime Movie Receptionist Amanda Tannen." Both women take swigs from their respective wine bottles and are saddened to discover they're empty. In looking for more booze, Christina stumbles into a table and knocks off the tablecloth to reveal a safe. A locked safe within A Secret Love Dungeon? Now that is filled with promise.
And meanwhile -- oh, I don't even want to tell you what happens . But I have no choice. I knew the perils of recapping before I took this job, but never did I think I would be so tested. Sigh. Santos walks into a convenience store to get a little gift of some sort for Justin. He asks for teeth whitening strips, but the man behind the counter says they're all out, and that he should go. Santos is a little slow on the uptake, until the man motions with his eyes toward the screen from the security camera. There he sees a man in a mask with a gun. Before Santos can do anything, the masked man rises from behind the counter, points the gun at Santos, and says, "Don't move." And with this harbinger of tragedy to come, we head to commercials.
When we return, we're in the closet, where Amanda and Christina are trying to crack the code to the safe. They've tried Fey's birthday and her address when they finally hit it -- Fey's measurements. Her real measurements, that is, which only Christina knows. Christina takes out a diary. Amanda says, "Ugh, reading?" and tosses it aside. Other than that, there are photos. Christina says, "Who's the fat baby?" and Amanda says it's her. And there are many more photos of Amanda as a child, too. Amanda asks why Fey would have photos of her in her safe. With a gasp, Christina discovers why, as she pulls out a birth certificate saying that Fey is Amanda's mother. Oh my God, please don't tell me that Bradford is her father! Though once a show has tackled sexual reassignment surgery and an illicit affair with an orthodontist, I guess the only logical place to go is incest.
And then, the storyline I had almost forgotten about! Claire, Yoga, Chartreuse, and Sugar Free are being transferred upstate in an armored car. I just love writing their names all out like that. The night is dark and stormy. We see a candy bar wrapper on the ground, and Sugar Free looks like she's about to die. Claire yells to the driver that they have a situation, and that the diabetic in the car is going into hypoglycemic shock. The driver comes back with the med kit, and Yoga chokes him with her handcuffs while Chartreuse gets his lower half as Claire grabs his gun. "Stop struggling, sir, because this is happening!" she yells. And you know what would be the greatest? If these four were to become the new co-hosts on The View. Are you listening, Babs?
Also on the roadway on this dark and stormy night are Alexis and Daniel. They are en route to the hospital. A panicked Alexis tells Daniel, who keeps nodding off, to stay with her. She says that she never wanted things to end up this way, and that Daniel is her kid brother. A little late for the sentiment, isn't it, Wally Beaver? She wants them to be there for each other again. Daniel wakes from his haze to note that they're going really fast, and should probably slow down. Alexis tries, to no avail, as we see some sort of car wire thingy sparking. Sorry, I don't know anything about cars, especially ones so reminiscent of the Batmobile. Alexis then realizes that the thug she hired cut the brakes on Bradford's car. Well, that scheme certainly backfired, didn't it? Killing your parents is never as easy as you think it's going to be. The car drives out of range of the screen, and we hear Alexis yell, "Oh my God!" right before the sound of a crash.
Cut to Justin on stage, singing "Something's Coming." Hilda sits proudly in the audience with an empty seat beside her. We continue to hear Justin singing as we cut to the masked thief taking money out of the cash register at the convenience store as Santos and the clerk look on.
We then see Claire and Yoga, chained together, making their way through...a path in the forest? Seriously?
We cut back to Justin for a moment, then to Alexis and Daniel both unconscious and/or dead in their smashed-up car, with drips of blood on various parts of their faces. At least they didn't careen down a mountain, right? I mean, I know they're in New York City, but still. There's hope.
And then...nooooooooo! Sigh. Okay, pull yourself together, Potes. We are back in the convenience store. The masked thief is making the clerk open the safe as Santos looks on. He yells at the clerk to hurry up, then hits him in the head with the gun. Santos yells, "Don't hurt him," and grabs the thief from behind. The thief wrests himself away from Santos, then points a gun at him. There is a long pause. And then, he fires. At the same time, Justin, as Tony, is dying.
We cut to the Suarez house. Betty is rushing, getting ready to go to the airport. She hears a knock, and, thinking it's her cab, opens the door. Two police officers are there, looking for Hilda. Betty gets a worried look.
Meanwhile, Henry's plane is about to take off. Charlie sits to him. She puts her hand on top of his, looks at him, and smiles. Henry just looks sad. If only he knew what was happening back in Queens.
And then, heartbreak. As Justin is acting Tony's death scene, Betty arrives at the auditorium. She has someone get Hilda from the crowd. When Hilda looks at Betty, she knows something is wrong. The two women exit into the hallway. We don't hear what Betty says to Hilda. Instead, the strains of "Somewhere" are sung by Justin's co-star as Hilda screams, "No," over and over and collapses onto the floor, crying. Betty embraces her, I cry a little, and as we hear, "Somehow, someday, somewhere," the camera fades to black.
And I mean...fuck. What happened to, like, funny eyebrow jokes? In any case, I can't wait for Season Two! Thanks for reading, all, and have a great summer!