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The Suarez family heads to Guadalajara to work out Ignacio's immigration problems. While there, Hilda, Betty, and Justin meet their extended family on Ignacio's side, including a random old woman who has magical powers like seeing into the future and finding a lost earring. She tells Betty some stuff about a tree branch that seems like nonsense, but is actually really wise. Despite Ignacio's evasion tactics, Betty manages to get some info about her mother's side of the family from her aunt. Turns out that the grandmother she had long thought dead is in fact alive, but had disowned her mother when she married Ignacio. Betty follows a Henry hallucination to a blue house, where her grandmother, whose mind is now addled, mistakes her for her mother, and makes amends. She also gives Betty some of her mother's clothes, and Hilda finds her perfect wedding dress. And just in time, too, as a foot-massaging stranger tries to convince her that she's meant to be with him. Said foot-massaging stranger also finds out who Ignacio is and makes a serious-sounding call that promises exacted revenge. This is bad news, since the immigration stuff didn't go so well and it looks like Ignacio will be in Guadalajara for a while. Back at Mode, Alexis has to face her past when Jordan, her last girlfriend when she was Alex, takes part in a photo shoot. Daniel, who is super-wacky on the junk, wastes no time moving in, and Jordan seems into him until she admits that she still has unresolved feelings about Alex. This sends him straight to a dealer for more wacky no-sex pills, and it appears as the episode ends that he's about to be pummeled by some toughs. Meanwhile, Bradford goes through a bit of a mid-life crisis and tries to become the free-wheeling "Brad" he once was. Wilhelmina gives him some line about ruining all other men for her, and he finally signs his divorce papers. And finally, Wili gives Tavares a showing and he gays it up and gives Amanda the shaft. Marc finds out and totally comes to her rescue. He "ins" Tavares, but no one really cares. They do, however, care about his bad taste in buttons. Marc and Amanda celebrate by raiding the Mode closet, and in dong so find Fey's love dungeon. Things are about to get really interesting, and just in time for the finale! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Ugly Betty: Wilhelmina gave Marc the pleasure of decking her and putting her in a neck brace, then pinned the whole thing on Claire. It was all to get Bradford to file for divorce, and it worked. Alexis, meanwhile, is doubly set on revenge against Bradford and it sounds like she's going to have him taken out. An almost passed-out Henry told Betty that he loved her. Charlie, though she didn't hear that particular bit of information, nonetheless figured out that something was up between the two of them and told Betty to back off. Daniel's mentor in sex addiction gave him some wacky drugs from "overseas," which I'm sure is Step 2 in the Program. Amanda took up with a designer named Tavares who was pretending to be gay to get ahead. And meanwhile, the Suarez family dealt with the fact that Ignacio is being sent back to Mexico to get his visa.
We enter with Betty walking down the stairs of her house and yelling to the others that the taxi will be there in five minutes. She tries to lug her huge bag but goes flying down the stairs, then yells to her uninterested family, "I'm okay!" Justin comes down the stairs with a pink suitcase and notes that there is no worse time for a trip, given that he's understudying the lead in West Side Story. He says, "God forbid Joey Colano takes ill and I don't know my finger snaps for the rumble.'' Foreshadowing? Hey, a girl can dream. Betty tells him that they're only going to be in Mexico for a few days while Ignacio gets his visa. As a bonus, they're going to get to meet all their family members who are still there, and to practice their Spanish. Betty says something in Spanish, and Ignacio translates it to "I just ate your niece." They'll put anything in a quesadilla, I guess. Meanwhile, Hilda is on the phone with Santos, reminding him sternly that he's in charge of getting the reception hall. When she gets off the phone, she notes that she's given Santos one job, and he's pawning it off on her. Betty says that maybe they can find Hilda a wedding dress in Mexico, and Hilda starts freaking out about all the stuff she has to do. Ignacio really could have found a way to get deported at a better time. How selfish!
The phone rings, and Betty says they don't have time to answer it, so she puts it through to the answering machine. Turns out it's Henry. Squuuuuuuuueeeeeee! Henry messages that he knows she's nervous about flying, so he wanted to tell her that statistically, she's worse off driving to the airport than being on the plane. He then notes that if she's hearing him, it means she's still at home. So, really, no help. Hilda says that the whole thing is sweet but geeky. And I mean, Henry should open a store called Sweet N' Geeky. That sells, like, candies in the shape of Dungeons And Dragons characters. Hilda asks why Betty didn't pick up, and Betty says that Henry has a girlfriend, and Betty is done with him. If it were meant to be, it wouldn't be so hard. Now, where would John and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos be if they thought like that? Oh, wait. Betty deletes the message.
Cut to Daniel, walking around furiously during a staff meeting, clearly all hopped up on the junk. He says animatedly that they haven't tapped into the young, single male market, and that guys don't care about clothes. What they want is women they think are accessible. He hops over the conference table and says that the girls don't have to be ugly. In fact, they should be hot, and wear really nice clothes. The genius that is Daniel Meade strikes again. Wilhelmina says, "What you're saying is we should put thin, pretty women wearing nice outfits in this fashion magazine?" Her delivery on that line is gold. Alexis tries to change the subject dismissively, and Daniel stomps over to her and tells her not to do that to him, because she's not the only one who's in charge. Alexis whispers to him that she is, however, the only one with pupils that aren't the size of quarters. Touché. Wili leans over and says, "Okay, girls, tuck them back in. You're both big."
Wili then begins to talk about the "Fearless Women" feature, and says that they've managed to secure Jordan Dunne. Alexis starts to freak out and says that it's a terrible idea. Daniel smirks. Wili says that it's a fabulous idea -- Jordan Dunne hang glides, she ice-climbs, and she swam the English Channel in a leather bikini. Well, that seems ill-advised, doesn't it? They already have the title for the article: "The Daredevil Wears Prada." Nice. Alexis slams her hands down and yells, "I said no!" She ends the meeting, somehow blaming it on Daniel. It's pretty convenient for her that he's such a tool, isn't it?
While everyone files out, Daniel tells Wili and Marc that Jordan Dunne was Alex's last girlfriend before he became a she, and he's guessing they haven't seen each other since. Wili notes that Hallmark probably doesn't have a series of, "Your boyfriend's not dead -- but he is post-op!" cards. But if they did, the cards would be part of the "Fresh Ink" line. Daniel tells Wili not to cancel the meeting with Jordan, because it's going to be awesome. He then makes Wili and Marc high-five him and runs off. Time to bust out the Purell, ladies. Wili smiles, and Marc reminds her of the danger of laugh lines. She doesn't care, and says that today is a good day -- the brothers are fighting, and Bradford put the divorce papers in the mail. Soon, she says, she'll be the Mrs. Meade. She then double-checks whether Marc can really see the laugh lines, and he kindly says, "Nope! You're as dead on the outside as you are in the inside." Wili takes it as a high compliment, much as you'd expect.
Back in his office, Daniel is clutching his pill bottle and fidgeting with his tie. Did Nancy Reagan's cautious words and a series of afterschool specials have no effect on this man?!? His phone rings. It's Betty, calling from the plane and extolling the virtues of first class. She asks how the temp is working out, and we cut to an old lady knitting. Daniel says that he guesses Amber wasn't available, and Betty says that Amber didn't know how to type, or use a pen, and she got lost on the elevator. Actually, in the world of temps, I'd think she would come highly recommended. Daniel says that Amber was hot, and Betty counters that Ellen, the temp, was Miss Subway 1949. Ellen is a total GILF. Betty starts to ask Daniel how he is, and he asks if she knows that the call from the plane costs, like, $10 a minute. She hangs up immediately, and he takes a long look at Ellen, then takes another pill. I thought he was only supposed to take the pills when he wanted to have sex? Ellen is totally working it.
Meanwhile, Wili is looking through Tavares's line. She gives a "Yes, yes, no, burn it, burn it and bury it, ugh, ugh,,,oh." She tells Tavares that he probably thinks it's adventurous to put coconut-shell buttons on a jacket, but all he's done is murder a blazer. Marc adds, "Murderer," for good measure. Tavares says he was going for something new, and Wili tells him not to, because she doesn't want any embarrassments at his debut. She tells him to fix it by tomorrow night, and walks off. "Coconut-shell buttons? You might as well have just punched her in the stomach," snips Marc. And who knows better how sweet a punch to Wilhelmina's stomach feels than Marc? When Marc's gone, Tavares asks Amanda if that went well or not, and Amanda explains that Wili is bringing all the New York buyers to his studio the following night. He will be a Wilhelmina Slater discovery. And because Amanda hooked him up, she says that he has to make out with her in the ladies room. Tavares hushes her, and reminds her that he's a faux-mo. He tried being straight in the fashion industry, and it didn't work. Amanda says that it's so unfair. She finally has a hot boyfriend and can't even use him to make all the other sluts feel bad about themselves. He gets closer to her and says that he'll make it up to her later, but he quickly flames it up when Marc walks by. "Yeah, I'm not doing that with you," says Marc, storming off.
Back on the plane to Guadalajara, Hilda swills the free champagne and tries to collect everyone's free travel kit to use for bridesmaids' gifts. Betty offers up hers, but Hilda tells her to keep it since she's the maid of honor. Betty goes over all of Ignacio's relatives with him, then says that she hates it that there's no one on her mom's side of the chart. Ignacio says that he can't help her, since he only knew Rosa's mother. Betty asks what year her grandmother died, and Ignacio says that he doesn't know, but it was sometime after Hilda was born. Good thing, or Daniel would probably be after her spicy grandma ass, too. Betty notes that her mom never talked about her grandmother. Ignacio snaps that Betty needs to concentrate on the people they do know. He then apologizes and says that he's just nervous about going back to Mexico. He's been gone a long time, and he didn't exactly leave under the best circumstances. Hilda pops over the seat and yells, "So they don't know you killed mom's husband?" and Betty shushes her. Ignacio says that nobody knows anything except for the girls and his sister, Mierta, and he asks if they can please stop talking about this. He notes that Betty is missing an earring, and she laments that she's lost the "Dias" from her "Buenos Dias" set, adding that she knew she shouldn't have brought her good jewelry. You know, if Daniel keeps up with this GILF fetish, maybe a romance between him and Betty isn't out of the question.
Back at Bradford's office, Wilhelmina pours champagne. She says that she knows bubbly is the worst thing to mix with his cholesterol medication, but she thought a celebration was in order. See, she's totally trying to kill him! And the ink isn't even dry on the divorce papers! Wait, strike that. The ink isn't on the papers at all, because Bradford didn't sign them. "Are you forgetting she hired thugs to beat me?" asks Wili. This would be a really effective line if it were true. Wili grabs at her neck and says that the doctors told her she'd have to learn to live with her injury. I guess if she has Bradford fooled into thinking she likes having sex with him, convincing him of this stuff is really nothing. Bradford says that he's been married to Claire for so long, and how can he just start his life over? When he met Claire, he was Brad Meade. A porn star? Well, maybe. He was young, ambitious, and felt like he could do anything. Wili tells him that he can, and that he just needs to get out in the world again. She will facilitate the process by taking him to Tavares's opening. Bradford seems doubtful, but Wili says that he needs to shake things up -- buy a new car, get a new look. She can help him find Brad again. I don't know; I think Brad is happy being lost.
And then, we are in Guadalajara! Betty figures out which relative is which, and when she misidentifies one, she tries to say she's embarrassed but ends up telling them that she's pregnant. Meanwhile, Hilda talks to Vanessa from Six Feet Under, who is known to the Suarez family as Clara, about wedding stuff. Hilda asks for reassurance that there's enough time, and Vanessa/Clara tells her that in fact, there is not enough time, and she'll end up with nothing. And be married to a little mortician who let a stripper blow him. Life, man.
Meanwhile, Ignacio is talking to special guest star number two, Rita Moreno! She knows a boat you can get on. She is also teary, because she hasn't seen her little brother in thirty years. They joke about how old they are, and then Rita Moreno asks Ignacio if he's met her daughter-in-law, Clara. She whispers that Clara can't have a baby because of a cyst on one of her ovaries. That is just the kind of mother-in-law you want, you know? She grabs another glass of wine, and Ignacio tells her to watch it, because she has a tendency to talk when she drinks. Rita Moreno/Mierta tells him not to worry, and that she's never told anyone his secrets. At least that she remembers.
Clara tells Betty how skinny she is. Betty notes that Clara is the third person who's said that, then tells Hilda she loves it in Mexico. Hilda asks Clara to identify the creepy old woman who's staring at them. Clara says that she can't remember who the woman is related to, but she's a curandera -- a very powerful healer. She knows things, and can do things. But can she do the Macarena? In fact, she danced the Macarena in 1965 -- 30 years before it was invented! Powers proven. Clara says that the curandera cured her husband's wart just by touching it, and Betty suggests that maybe she can help Clara with her ovaries. Awesome. When Clara leaves, the curandera approaches. Convenient. The curandera apparently does not deal in the female reproductive system. She does, however, tell Betty in Spanish that Betty's going to be unhappy for the rest of her life. What, you become a curandera and you get to forego pleasantries like, "Hi," and, "Hot enough for you?" Actually, that seems like kind of a fun job. "Hey, Potes, how are you doing?" "You will never find love and will have a club foot in old age." Awesome. The curandera continues that Betty is stuck, and can't move forward unless she looks back. But there is hope. She sees a tree with missing branches, and the answer is behind that tree. Betty asks what this means, and Hilda says that it means the curandera is nuts, and was eating a candle a minute ago. Maybe that's why she looks so waxen. Hilda drags Betty away, but the curandera suddenly says to her, "It's not on the plane," and motions that Betty's earring is on her sleeve. And it is! Hey, can you hire that curandera by the hour? Because I have about six socks in need of mates. Commercials.
When we return, a restless Betty grabs her family tree diagram. She wakes up Hilda, who is sleeping to her, and says through her headgear that she knows what the curandera meant -- the branches on her mother's side of the family tree are missing, and the curandera wants her to fill them in. Hilda says, "You could climb it with those toenails." Heh. Aunt Mierta enters, and she first laughs at Betty's headgear, then offers her coffee. Betty wastes no time asking about her mother. Mierta notes that they were close and talked about everything, and Betty follows up by asking about her mother's family. Mierta's face drops, and she says she knows nothing about it, then hurries off. It's a good thing no one is acting suspiciously, or Betty might start to get really curious!
Meanwhile, special guest star number three! It's Rebecca Gayheart. Okay, I guess that makes special guest star number two and a half. But to her credit, she's probably the only special guest star in this episode to have been convicted of vehicular manslaughter. Anyway, Rebecca Gayheart is Jordan, Alexis's ex-girlfriend. She walks into Alexis's office and says that she's waited for two years, adding that Alexis looks different. Awkward!
At the reception desk, Marc approaches Amanda with plans for the evening. She gets a look on her face, and he says, "Don't tell me you forgot we were gonna rent 300 and enjoy the mildly homophobic slash homoerotic content!" She apologizes, but says that it's the night of Tavares's party. Marc is incensed, and he says that clearly, she has replaced him with "that African queen." Heh. He thinks he's yester-gay's news. Amanda sells the party to Marc with the promise of cute boys and seals the deal by telling him that he's having the best hair day ever. In that case, it would really be like a public service for him to go. Marc tries to make like he's got a new hag -- or should he say haggis -- to take to the party, and tries to wrangle Christina, who's rushing by. She tells him to sod off, then pushes him into a curvy Mode wall. Christina will not be hagged by force.
Back in Alexis's office, there is more awkwardness. Alexis says that she knows Jordan must hate her. Jordan says she did, but she's a tough girl, so she got over it. She adds that this explains a lot about their relationship, like why Alex never left the toilet seat up. Or wanted to have sex with her. You know. Alexis says she wanted to tell Jordan, but Jordan notes that then, Alexis would have had to say goodbye, which was not an area in which Alex Meade was particularly talented. She adds that it's okay, and that this is who Alexis is supposed to be. Awwww, that's pretty nice. Jordan then compliments Alexis on her great rack. Alexis says that they're Jordan's -- Alexis took a picture of her to the surgeon. That's...sweet? The nose is Kate Winslet's. The teeth are Bugs Bunny's.
Meanwhile, Hilda tries on Clara's hideous blue and purple wedding dress. Clara says that she felt like a fairy princess. Justin asks what color was left for the bridesmaids, and Mierta notes that there was no way Clara could wear white. Hilda politely says that she's thinking of going more traditional -- say, one or two colors. Vanessa says it's no problem, but that it's a wedding, not a funeral. Aww, funny. As they go to try on Vanessa's two other wedding dresses, Betty entices Mierta into having another glass of her famous ponche. Mierta resists at first, but gives in to her own delicious recipe and the spirit of celebration. Now that Betty has realized that you can get people to give you what you want when you get them drunk, her relationship with Henry is going to take on whole new dimensions.
Back at Mode, Daniel sees Jordan and practically tackles her, telling her that she looks amazing. He asks how bad it was with Alexis, and Jordan says that it's weird, but it's going to be okay. Daniel seems disappointed. Jordan tells him that she'd love to hang out, but she's off to bungee jump off of the Brooklyn Bridge for her Mode shoot. After a moment, Daniel says that he's going to do it too. Oh, great, all he needs is a rush of blood to the head. Jordan says that she thought his sport was women, and Daniel replies that he gets his kicks in other ways. To the balls, from said women. Jordan asks if this is going to bother Alexis, and a smirking Daniel says it probably will. Couldn't he at least get hooked on a drug that made him interesting?
Cut to the closet, where Christina enthusiastically says, "All right then, Mr. Meade, time to sell it!" She rushes over to a seated Wilhelmina and asks if she's sure he wouldn't rather have a suit. Wili says no suits, and that Christina must remember that they love anything the old fart puts on. He emerges, and Wili yells, "Ring-a-ding-ding! Who is that hottie?" Why, it's Mr. Midlife Crisis 2008! Bradford is wearing jeans, an orange shirt, and a leather jacket. Oh, and sunglasses atop his head. He checks himself out in the mirror and says he never thought he could wear leather. You know, if you encourage him in this, a leather Speedo isn't far behind. The jacket is a widely known gateway leather. Christina helpfully pulls down his pants a little, because no media mogul wants to be wearing mom jeans. Wili tells him that she'll see him tonight and calls him Brad, which makes him regard himself with the delusion of a man one-third his age. Christina asks if he's happy with the outfit, and he says very, but maybe they could do something a little more fun. Oh, disaster.
Back in Mexico, Mierta has had a pitcher full of punch and is getting the much desired loose lips. She tells Betty about her slutty aunt and fake-breasted cousin, but all Betty really wants to hear about is her mother's side of the family. Mierta says that she only knew Rosa's mother, Yolanda, and adds, "Forgive me for saying this, but that woman is a bitch." Yes, that's right, IS. A stunned Betty asks if Yolanda is still alive, and Mierta answers with a succinct "Crap," as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty confronts Ignacio, who admits that Yolanda is alive. Betty is upset that he lied to her and Hilda, and kept them from the only connection that they have with their mother. Ignacio says that it was Rosa's idea, and that Yolanda hated him. He was a lowly cook, and it was better for her daughter to stay with a husband that beat her than to be with him. The night that they left, Yolanda told Rosa that if she walked out the door with Ignacio, she was dead to her. You know, horrible, dastardly parents really need to get a line other than, "You're dead to me." It's so played out. I think, "I'm coming to live in your spare room, and to pass judgment -- along with gas -- on you constantly, so stock up on the Ben Gay" would be much more effective. Rosa tried to be in contact with Yolanda by sending letters and pictures of Betty and Hilda, but they always came back unopened. She should have put some cash in the envelopes, so that when they came back, she at least could have been like, "My mother still hates me, but,,,hey! Money!" Vanessa comes to take Ignacio to his visa appointment. Betty tells Hilda that she wants to meet Yolanda. Hilda doesn't, and says she sounds like a monster. She asks why Betty wants to meet someone who doesn't want to meet her. Hey, Hilda? Don't make me try to feel bad for wanting to meet my future boyfriend Mr. Clooney, okay? I have my reasons.
Back at Mode, Jordan is impressed by how cool Daniel was when he bungeed. But doesn't being unimpressed by how tool-ish he is generally kind of cancel that out? He wants to have more wild and crazy adventures, and Jordan says she can't believe how much like Alex he's become. He seductively says that he's much better than Alex. Much better than Alex Trebek, maybe. Nah, actually probably not even that. Trebek at least has the right to lord his perfect pronunciation of everything over you. Daniel confesses that the whole time Jordan dated Alex, he had a little crush on her. She replies, "You don't think I knew?" and Daniel leans in and gives her a big smackaroo right on the lips. You know what your therapist might not advise? Hooking up with the brother of the ex you thought was dead but actually had a sex change operation. I'm just saying. But hey, I don't bungee jump either, so what do I know?
Cut to Tavares's big party. Wilhelmina, who in her gold dress with giant bow looks like a pair of nipples about to be given as a Christmas present, introduces Tavares to Sebastian, the buyer for Barney's, and Sebastian's date, Kenneth. Sebastian says that his date is actually Keith -- he broke up with Kenneth when he found him making out with a waiter at a ready-to-wear show in Paris. Tavares limp wrists, "Pret-a-poor-taste," and Amanda laughs gleefully while Marc looks on with a scowl. Wili says, "Well, this is fun," then hightails it out of there. Sebastian compliments Tavares on his designs, and Amanda notes that they'll be showing some of Tavares's best work later and grabs his arm lovingly. Tavares removes her hands, saying, "And the greasy paws are on the Prada!" He dismissively tells her to get him a drink. Marc scowls even more furiously. When Amanda meets up with Marc at the bar, he notes that Tavares is a mean gay. She says that Marc is too, but Marc says that he isn't to her. She reminds Marc of how yesterday he told her that her head was too big for her neck, and he says that was just constructive criticism. We all need friends like that.
This touching moment is interrupted by a series of, "Oh my God"s, and the entrance of one Brad Meade. In addition to an even fancier shiny jacket with snakeskin shoulders, Brad is sporting a stud earring, dyed hair, and a shirt made from the pelt of Tony the Tiger. He looks like the keytar player for Men Without Hats. Except what he needs to do is look at his hands, and then go home and use them to put on a new outfit. He stands with his hands in his pockets, impressed with himself. Wili says "wow" a few times, then notes that Brad is back. God help us.
Meanwhile, Alexis enters an elevator populated by a shady character in sunglasses. She hands him an envelope. He asks if she has any preference for how they make her old man disappear. Invisibility cloak, maybe? Come to think of it, that would be the perfect accessory for his current ensemble. Alexis says that she doesn't want to know the details, she just wants him gone. Shady guy says good, because once she gets off the elevator she'll never see Shady again. Alexis exits to find Daniel and Jordan making out in the hallway, then backs into the elevator and tells Shady that she won't see him again after the lobby. She really should have just had him take out Daniel while he was at it. Do thugs ever have BOGO Thursdays?
Back in Mexico, Betty and Hilda are on a bus. Hilda asks how far it is to the outlet mall where they're going to look for her wedding dress, and Betty says it's just a couple of miles. Hilda says that she'd better find something, and she bemoans how hard everything is with her wedding. Well, she just got engaged, like, yesterday, and apparently is getting married in ten minutes. A short timeline will do that to you. Betty asks Hilda where she got her quesadilla, and Hilda motions to a guy on the back of the bus. She notes that she's had better, and Betty asks, "On a bus?" It's a good point. We suddenly hear the lonesome call of some sort of New-Age-y whistle, and Betty looks out the window to see a flannel-shirted Henry riding a moped to the bus. She acknowledges that she's probably just seeing things, even though it would be so totally like Henry to rent a moped. Hilda notes that the stuff with their maternal grandmother really got to Betty, and adds that that's the only reason why she agreed to go shopping when Betty suggested it. Hilda then gets a funny look, and she realizes that they're actually going to Yolanda's house. Betty says that Hilda was a lot smarter before she got engaged.
Meanwhile, Tavares sidles up to Amanda, who is in the back of his studio going through a rack of clothes, and notes that everyone loves his stuff. She sarcastically says that she'd hug him, but she doesn't want her greasy paws to ruin his shirt. Actually, given the way she eats, that might be a legitimate worry. He apologizes, noting that this is a big night for him. She pulls out the blazer from earlier and asks what it's still doing there. Tavares says that it's one of his best, and that coconut-shell buttons are the big thing. Only if they come with a straw and are filled with pina colada. Which would actually be my ideal wardrobe choice. Amanda sternly says that Wili hates them, and if Tavares wants to get ahead in the fashion business, he can't cross her. He pulls Amanda to him and they start making out. And then, who should open a curtain and spy them but Marc! He looks shocked, and slowly, very slowly, closes the curtain.
Back on the bus, Betty tells Hilda that they should be close to their grandmother's place, which Mierta described as a little blue house outside of Via Nueva. Get it? Via Nueva. Hilda says that she just wants to go home, and notes that the quesadilla isn't sitting so well. Betty says, "Oh really? Because usually when you buy cheese cooked on a bus it's pretty good." Oooh, you just do not know where cheese served on a bus came from, but something tells me you might find a toenail in it. Hilda asks what Betty is hoping to get out of this. Betty says that she doesn't know, but after what the curandera said and after finding out that Yolanda is still alive, Betty feels like she's supposed to meet her. Hilda again says that Yolanda doesn't want to meet them. This moment of sisterly tension is interrupted by another Henry sighting. Betty is sure that it's him this time, and, as the bus is stopped, she runs off of it. Hilda follows, and while they argue, of course, the bus drives off. Hilda is enraged, and she asks what they're going to do now. They do seem to be in the middle of nowhere. Betty says that she thinks there's a town a couple of miles back, and Hilda throws her quesadilla wrapper at Betty. As Hilda berates Betty and threatens to throw her bouquet in the direction of Gina Gambarro, the sisters walk, and we head to commercials.
When we return, we are at Tavares's loft. Marc sweeps in and steals Amanda, with apologies to the man she's talking to, whom he calls Mr. Gosset Jr. -- hee! -- telling her that he saw her kissing Tavares. He says that she's in love with a gay man, and it's like her and him all over again. Amanda denies ever being in love with Marc, and he says that when they first met, she couldn't keep her eyes off of him. She says that was before he got veneers, and she couldn't look away from his one weird, dark tooth. They go through a round of, "Big head, dark tooth, Nicole Bitchie, Nelly Ripa," before Marc tells her that it's sad, and Tavares is gay. Amanda pulls him even further from the crowd and confesses that in fact, he's not, and is just pretending to be gay to get ahead in the fashion world. Marc notes that that's a new twist on an old standard, and Amanda makes him promise not to tell anyone. Marc tells her that she's with another guy who's keeping her a secret, and that it's like Daniel all over again. He says that she's fabulous, and asks why she doesn't think she deserves a real relationship, adding, "Come out of the closet, sweetie. I promise, it's better." Preach it, sister. Amanda says that it's okay and she knows what she's doing, and Marc looks hurt on her behalf.
Back at Mode, Alexis storms into Daniel's office and tells him to stay away from Jordan. He laughs at her jealousy, and says that finally, he has the one thing she can't have, adding that she should have thought of that before she gave away the family jewels. It is so Daniel to say "family jewels." Alexis asks what's going on with him, and he replies that she's never seen him win before. He adds, "Alex? This is me winning," for good measure.
Meanwhile, Betty and Hilda have finally made it to a little town, with Hilda complaining all the while and telling Betty to give it up. They stop at a restaurant, and Betty, who thinks they're still near Via Nueva, asks the rather hot waiter if he knows of a blue house in the area where an old woman named Yolanda Salazar lives. He doesn't, so Betty heads over to ask the man selling the dirty fruit whether he knows anything. I think the underlying theme of this episode is, "If you go to Mexico, don't eat anything." When she leaves, the waiter notes that Hilda looks like she might need a shot of tequila. She'll take two, thank you very much. Ah, a woman after my own heart. As Betty approaches the dirty-fruit guy, she has another Henry sighting, and this time, she actually runs after him. Hilda thinks Betty is crazy, per usual. If only she heard the New-Age-y wolf whistle, too, she would know that it is all for a greater purpose.
Back at Tavares's loft, Marc approaches Brad from behind and says, "Hey handsome, I'm giving you a ticket 'cause you are smokin' indoors!" Bradford turns around, and Marc apologizes profusely. Bradford says it's okay, and kind of chuckles to himself at his own hotness. Marc scurries off to Wilhelmina and says she owes him one while throwing up a little in his mouth. She says to think of it as taking one for the team, because if Bradford doesn't feel good about himself, he won't move on, and if he doesn't move on, she won't move up. Bradford notices a hot younger woman looking at him, and he saunters over to her. She apologizes for staring, then says that she thinks his ear is oozing. Nothing ruins a night of schmoozing and boozing like a little oozing. An embarrassed Bradford thanks her, then catches a glance of himself in the mirror. He shakes his head, as well he should.
All the while, Betty has been chasing Henry in Mexico. She must be a slow runner, because he is walking at a pretty leisurely pace and she still can't catch up. Use the work gym once in a while! Henry leads her up a hill, by -- you guessed it! -- a tree that has missing branches on one side. To emphasize the point, a bird, who might or might not be Henry, sits atop the tree. Ah, so that's how he got to Mexico so quick. He ripped off his glasses and became Symbolic Birdman, as he is wont to do in the evening. And off in the distance behind the tree? Yeah, the blue house. But not the blue house of pancakes, I am sad to tell you. Betty stares off anxiously as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty is actually in the blue house. And it matches her blue tights! How convenient. When she enters, she sees an old woman in a rocking chair, and asks if the woman is Yolanda Salazar. Betty tells Yolanda that she is her granddaughter, and adds that Yolanda has no idea how much Betty has wanted to meet her. Yolanda just rocks back and forth in her chair and says nothing. An attendant walks out with a tray of food. She tells Betty that Yolanda won't talk to her, and that her mind is no longer [hand gesture]. "Her mind is no longer [hand gesture]" is Spanglish for, "Bitch is crazy." But a docile kind of crazy, which is refreshing. Betty is sad.
Back at Mode, Alexis encounters Jordan in Daniel's office. She says that she knows what's going on with Jordan and Daniel, and that Jordan is going to get hurt, because Daniel is just doing it to get back at Alexis. "It's all about me," she says. Way to give your wronged ex an opportunity to take something and run with it. Jordan says that it is, and has always been, all about Alex, and that's probably why she's attracted to Daniel -- it's the closest she'll ever get to being with Alex again. Alexis asks what Jordan wants her to do. Jordan replies that she wants her to do what she should have done two years ago -- have the guts to say goodbye. Alexis walks over to Jordan, puts a hand on her shoulder, and says, "Goodbye, Jordan." And then, lingering hot lady kiss. Of a bittersweet variety, but still. Woo-ha! Why can't the two of them end up together? I think Alexis as a super-hot post-op lesbian would be ten times as imposing as Alexis as a super-hot post-op who is chronically unlucky with the boys. In any case, Daniel of course sees them and looks upset. He backs out into the hall and reaches for his pill bottle, which is empty. Shouldn't he just want to have sex, then? This whole subplot is very confusing.
At Tavares's loft, Amanda approaches Tavares and tells him that she's going to go. He dismisses her with a bitchy yet fluffy, "What do you want me to do, walk you to the door? Goodnight, Girlina!" Marc is aghast. Sebastian tells Tavares that he thinks Amanda has a thing for him, and Tavares says that she'd sleep at the foot of his bed if he let her. Did Tavares ever think that maybe the reason he never got far in the fashion industry as a straight man is because he's kind of a jerk? He continues, "Sad little hags always want what they can't have." Amanda hears and looks really hurt, and Marc loudly says, "Oh really?" He says that that sad little hag can and has had it, in ways that are too disgusting to even think about. Amanda looks flattered. Marc says that Tavares could have had a real relationship with Amanda, and he would have been lucky because she's one of the nicest, easiest girls around. When Tavares gives him a stern look, Marc admits that maybe she's actually not that nice. Tavares tells him to shut up, and Sebastian asks, "What's the lesbian talking about?" Heh.
Marc then announces to the whole crowd, "Open your eyes, people, he's straight. Straight as the crease on an old man's jeans!" No need to bring Bradford into this, I say. Wili looks annoyed, and says that this is her first public inning, which is interesting but perhaps not so relevant. Sebastian adds that the one thing the fashion industry is is tolerant. Unless you have love handles. "If you look like that, you're in," he says, and Tavares gives Marc a smug smirk. Wili crossly says that the only important thing is the design. With perfect timing Amanda comes out with multiple coconut-shell button shirts and jackets and says, "Well, then, should we start with some of his favorites?" And the win goes to the sad little hag! Well done!
Back at the blue house, there is more rocking and an apology from Betty for disturbing Yolanda and her attendant. She goes up to Yolanda to say goodbye, and suddenly the rocking stops. Yolanda looks at Betty and calls her Rosa, saying, "My daughter! You've come back!" In Spanish, of course. Betty starts to explain that she's not Rosa, but you know how those old demented people are. She'll have none of it. Yolanda apologizes for what she said last night, and says to Betty that she is her daughter and she will always love her. She thanks God for this second chance, then tells Betty that she's left behind a lot of clothes. That seems awfully practical for a heartfelt reunion replete with mistaken identity! Yolanda says that she was wrong, and tells her to go with Ignacio. She adds, "If you love someone, you must find a way to be with him. Even if you have to leave your family." Hmm, I wonder if this advice has any practical bearing on Betty's life? Just then, Ignacio enters. Mierta told him that Betty was there. He asks if Betty understood what Yolanda said. She did. Yolanda touches her face and says, "You are brave, my Rosa. Fight for the man you love." A teary Betty says that she will. Does this mean a throwdown with Charlie in a tub of pudding? Because I am all over that. Commercials.
When we return, Bradford is in his office looking sullen but more normal, thank God. Wili enters and tells him that he should have stayed longer at the party. He says that he was a fool to think that he could ever be Brad Meade again. And, may I add, a fool for thinking that Wili wants to get in his pants for reasons that aren't nefarious in nature. Wili says that she remembers Brad -- in fact, he ran Mode when she started. Every woman wanted him, but there was one woman who wasn't interested. That woman was Wilhelmina. So, basically, nothing has changed. Wili says that she thought Brad was a fool, but Brad grew into Bradford. So now he's a pretentious and pompous fool with a WASP-y name. And what's more attractive than that? Wili lies that he's a strong, wise, and sexy man. And the, the kicker: "A man who's ruined all other men for me." Oh my LORD is she laying it on thick. But Bradford is looooooving it. If he believes that line, then he deserves all the trials and pain that are coming his way. He signs the divorce papers and says, "Here's to starting over." Dude. Should have been nicer to the tranny.
Meanwhile, in Mexico, the hot waiter is rubbing Hilda's feet. Okay, that is so against code I don't even know where to start. Seriously, people, if you go to Mexico DO NOT EAT. Hilda starts complaining about the chaos of her wedding, and hot waiter says that it seems like all the signs are telling her not to get married. Hilda says that she doesn't believe in signs, and hot waiter says that it's too bad, because there was a reason that she was brought there to him. Hilda -- who knows that his name is actually Antonio -- says that she knows what he's doing. He asks if she can blame him, and then he asks why everything is so hard for her. Maybe it's because she hasn't yet learned about THE SECRET.
Just then, Betty comes running up and tells Hilda she found the house. And not only that -- she found their mother's wedding dress. Hilda loves it and says that's her sign. As she runs off to the car, Ignacio thanks Antonio for taking care of her. He introduces himself, and Antonio gets a funny look, and says, "It's very good to meet you, Ignacio Suarez." But he says it in a sinister way, not in a way that you're supposed to do so that you actually remember people's names. When Ignacio walks away, Antonio makes a phone call and says, "You'll never believe who's back in Mexico. Looks like you will finally have your revenge." This does not sound good.
Meanwhile, Daniel gets a knock on the door of his apartment. It's a big, scary-looking guy with a bottle of pills. Daniel says that he left his wallet in his bedroom and goes to get it. As he counts out his money, the scary thug and his thug friend enter and punch Daniel in the face. The hell?
Back at the office, Marc and Amanda raid the closet. Amanda covets a pair of pink shoes on a high shelf, and when Marc goes to get them for her, he grabs the hook. You know the hook. The one that opens Fey Sommers's secret love dungeon. Except this time, Amanda and Marc see it. It's real, says Amanda. But not in the way of the Easter Bunny or unicorns. Real-real.
Meanwhile, in Mexico, Betty sees a bird land on a moped. "I'm going to fight for Henry," she tells Ignacio. If she doesn't, she'll regret it for the rest of her life. And Lord knows she'll never be able to get on a moped again, or engage in her favorite hobby of bird-watching. She says that she can't wait to get home. And then, Ignacio drops a bomb: the consulate denied his visa, which means that he has to stay in Mexico for he doesn't know how long. Oooh, that is pretty inconvenient, especially given that someone is about to burn his ass. Betty says that they'll all stay, and that she's not going home without him. Ignacio says that she has to, for her future. He left his family once, too. He tells her not to be afraid, because she's strong, just like her mother. Betty cries, and the bird flies.