In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Hoo ha! Okay, boring stuff first. Daniel is totally a sex addict. Betty goes so far as to arrange a meeting for him with a guy from Psychology Now, on the fourteenth floor, who coincidentally also used to be a sex addict. And the guy's treatment method? Giving Daniel some sort of crazy-ass pills. Great, now he'll be all wacky on the junk. He does eventually come through, however, with some first-class tickets to Guadalajara for the whole Suarez family, since Ignacio needs to go back to Mexico due to some weird immigration law. Shut up, U.S. Department of Immigration. Also not as exciting as it might be, sadly, is Alexis discovering that Rodrigo is in cahoots with Bradford to get her out of the country. She's pissed, and also pretty sad, and it looks like she might take out Bradford in short order. On a more exciting note, Wilhelmina schemes to get Bradford to divorce Claire. She visits a rough-around-the-edges (and rough-looking) Claire in prison, and once Claire sees Wilhelmina's feet, she knows that Wilhelmina and Bradford are totally doing it. She doesn't take so kindly to the news, and threatens to kill Wilhelmina if she doesn't stay away from her husband. This gives Wili an idea, so she actually has Marc (I know!) rough her up a little, and he accidentally knocks her down some stairs. But it's all for the greater good. Wili, battered and in a neck brace, tells Bradford that Claire is responsible, and he finally starts talking divorce. Meanwhile, it is Administrative Professionals' Day, and the Mode crew goes to a cheesy middle ages-themed restaurant where Amanda was previously the featured head serving wench. Nick, who hates Betty after discovering that she ate his yogurt out of the fridge, taunts her as she is riding a mechanical steed, and Henry totally tries to defend her honor. This involves an American Gladiators-style jousting match, which Henry loses. Because, you know, he's kind of wimpy. BUT! As he is about to pass out, he looks up at Betty and says, "I love you." I KNOW! This promising moment is interrupted by none other than Charlie, who tells Betty to stay away from her man. They go off together before Betty can get clarification about Henry's feelings, so she decides to take her anger out on Nick, and totally whacks him upside the head with the jousting stick. She may not have gotten the guy (yet), but she at least gets to be the office hero for a little while. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Ugly Betty: Bradford loves soft, supple, womanly feet, and Wilhelmina loves the idea of getting her hands on Mode, so the two totally started doing it. However, he told her in no uncertain terms that he's not going to divorce Claire, leaving her no choice but to out-devious even herself. Bradford paid a hunky Brazilian dude to seduce Alexis and try to get her out of the country. It's pretty dastardly, but at least it allowed Alexis to finally try out her lady parts. Betty told Daniel that she thinks he's a sex addict, and Charlie came off the elevator at just the right time to realize that Henry is a Betty addict. And as if all this weren't enough, it looks like Ignacio is getting sent back to Mexico.
We open with Betty in curlers, telling someone that $1200 is a ridiculous price for a ticket to Guadalajara. Turns out she's at the Cosmetology Institute, where Hilda grabs the phone and yells that they can't afford that. Betty tells the person on the other end of the phone that she does not want the package deal to Acapulco, and that her father is getting sent back to Mexico to wait for his visa. She should try Priceline, although then, Ignacio might ending up going back to the old country on the back of La Cucaracha.
A woman with an attitude asks Hilda if she's still working on Betty's nails, and tells her that the final exam will be timed. This is Valerie, and she has one big hair-pouf on the side of her head, kind of like a Pointer Sister. Hilda goes to her and says that she's having some family problems. Valerie Pointer could give a rat. She says she doesn't want Hilda's excuses -- she wants her commitment to beauty. Hilda says, "What does thiiiiis...look like?" in a really hilarious manner, but Valerie is not amused. She fakes Hilda out into thinking that she's interested in her life by asking about her engagement ring, but really, she wants her to lose it. She also says that Hilda can't do a manicure with the claws that she is currently sporting. She tells Hilda to cut them before tomorrow's exam, or she'll fail. No! It's like Samson's hair! Don't do it, Hilda! Hilda walks back to Betty and says that Valerie is 130 pounds of bitch. Valerie pops from behind a mirror and asks what Hilda said, and Hilda meekly says, "One hundred and twenty." Valerie's ten pounds of ego are satisfied.
Hilda asks Betty if they can call travel agents in the evening and offers to cancel her date with Santos. Betty says that she can't be there that night. There's a Mode party for Administrative Professionals' Day. Hilda asks if she means Secretaries' Day, and Betty helpfully tells us that in 1998, they changed it to Administrative Professionals' Day. I feel like this must have been a result of Bill Clinton's attempt to coerce Betty Currie into lying about all the doings in the Oval Office. Anyway, the Mode assistants are going to The Middle Ages, a theme restaurant in Times Square. Hilda asks skeptically if the snobby Mode assistants really like that place, and Betty says that they love it, because it is part of their yearly theme of picking a place where they can go make fun of the common people. The year before, it was a roller disco in the Bronx. "Wheels Of Paradise; I love that place!" says Hilda. And so does Betty. And so would I. Throw in bowling and karaoke, and I'll meet you there in ten minutes. Betty says that she has to be at the event that night, because she planned it, and she has to make sure that everything goes okay. Hilda says that, given that it's AP Day, maybe Daniel will give Betty a big bonus, and it will be enough to buy Ignacio's ticket. Yes, and Valerie will ask her to participate in an "I'm So Excited" remake with Chingy and Justin Timberlake, featuring The Pussycat Dolls. It ain't happening.
Cut to the Mode office, where Daniel says, "Happy Secretaries' Day," and hands Betty a little trophy. It says "World's Best Notary," but Daniel has helpfully covered up the word "notary" with a piece of tape that says "secretary." Eh, they both have a "tary" in them. Close enough for Hallmark. Betty says that they changed it to Administrative Professionals' Day in 1998. Daniel doesn't really reply, because he doesn't know if he could spell those two long words in a row. Daniel tells Betty to get Olivier Theyskens on the phone, because he promised them a Nina Ricci spread. He also tells Betty to send over some hot models, and adds that he's in the mood for a redhead. This would be the perfect time to bring Carrot Top back from obscurity, and/or import tantrum-throwing Top Model Brittany and her monstrous weave. If those two can't kill a sex drive, I don't know who can.
Betty eats a spoonful of yogurt. Nick comes by in a fury and asks her what she's doing. She is, of course, eating yogurt. Nick says, "MY YOGURT?" and Betty says that it didn't have a name on it. Oh my God, Betty totally stole Nick's cheese. Luckily, Nick has cheese aplenty to keep him in business. He says that his name was on the granola bar that was on top of the yogurt, and asks if she doesn't know the refrigerator stacking system. Betty asks if this means the cherry pie was his, too. She hasn't eaten it yet, but it was on the list. Nick grabs the remaining yogurt and the pie and says, "Game on, Suarez. Game on." I have to say that I'm with Nick on this one. If you touch my stuff in the work fridge I will cut you.
Cut to Amanda telling Marc how much she hates Secretaries' Day and paper-cutting the head off of a little stuffed bear. She says that everyone gets a present except the receptionist, and asks who they think forwards the calls, fans the magazines, and signs for the packages. Marc answers, "Tim, Sheila, and Betty," respectively. Amanda then asks who looks hot for everyone when they come in, and notes that her buttons don't pop open by themselves. Speaking of, Marc asks where she got her stylin' vest, and she says it's Tavares. He asks what's with all the gifts and says it's not like she's sleeping with the guy. Amanda hurriedly answers, "Of course not, because he's gay and I'm a woman and he's gay." Also gay, but in a different way, is Nick, who pumps his fist in celebration that Alexis got him a Beer Of The Month Club subscription. This makes Amanda even madder, and Marc brings up their forthcoming evening at The Middle Ages, where they will get to make fun of all the nerds in shining armor. Amanda says that she thinks she'll pass. Marc says, "You can't pass! I'm not going stag, hag!" Amanda replies, "You'll have to buy your own beer, queer." Marc retorts, "You can't just ditch, bitch," but Amanda cuts him off with a loud, "Shut up!" and stomps off.
Meanwhile, Bradford and Wilhelmina -- who henceforth shall be known as Bradhelmina -- are lounging in bed. Wili is rocking out to some jazz, and even playing air-upright-bass. It's pretty hilarious. An alarm goes off, and Bradford says that he tried it, and he still hates it. Wili tells him that he's so white sometimes, and he says not only is he white, he's bored. And kind of waxy and craggy, though that doesn't account for his jazz-o-phobia. What does, according to Wili, is the fact that jazz is all about riffing and being spontaneous. She cuddles up to him and says that he'd love it if he saw it live, and that she's going to take him to the Blue Note tonight. Bradford asks if they can hold off on that, and Wili whines that all they ever do is stay in. And, to her chagrin, make sour, salty love. Bradford says that the last thing Claire needs is to catch wind of their affair. Amongst all the other things she's catching in the pokey, I guess. Wili asks if he really cares what a murderer thinks, and Bradford sternly replies that Claire is not a murderer, and he's not going to leave her because of one moment of insanity. Wili is perturbed, but looking hot in yet another slinky negligee.
Also rolling around in bed are Alexis and Rodrigo. She giggles and says it would never work for her to go to Brazil with him, and not only because she has a sideburn and moustache in her passport photo. Well, so does Betty, and she would find a way around it. Alexis needs a healthy helping of pluck. She asks how she could leave her imprisoned mother, and Rodrigo says that he thinks her mother would want her to be happy. But her mother wouldn't want her to fall unawares into yet another dastardly scheme, would she, Rodrigo? So shut up.
Back at Mode, Betty marches into Daniel's office and asks if she should get used to the "mug shot" look. Well if he keeps sleeping with maybe-teenagers, she'll have to. Daniel says that he was out late...at the therapy meeting that she signed him up for. This is obviously a lie. He tries to be all, "But she wasn't really underage after all! Life is good!" Betty isn't having it and tells him that he got lucky this time, but time, he won't.
Cut to Betty walking with Christina and reading a pamphlet from The Middle Ages. She wonders if people will want the Royal Feast or the Jester's Banquet. Christina says that she thinks they just want to get drunk. She then points out a way that Betty can earn some money -- be a research subject at NYU! She will get $5,000 if she gets some injections and endures side effects that might lead to even more facial hair growth. Even though it might mean free nibbles of cheese, she passes this opportunity by. But then, the answer to all her troubles hits her like a house aflame: she can win $1,000 at The Middle Ages if she can ride a mechanical bull for just fifteen seconds. She is certain that she can do it, as when she was little, she hated getting her allergy shots and would wrap her legs around a tree outside of her house so tight that no one could get her off. They have trees in Queens? Also: Score, Henry. Betty says that she has thighs of steel. Christina quite wisely says that there's a big difference between a giant robot horse and a tree. An impassioned Betty says that if this is what it takes, she'll ride that giant robot horse all the way to Mexico. Hey, first you dream it and then you do it. Commercials.
When we return, Marc is dressed like the love child of He-Man and Prince Valiant. He tries to get Amanda into the spirit by telling her to imagine thirty guys dressed just like him serving tourists with bowl cuts and fanny packs. He tells her that The Middle Ages is going to be delicious, just like Britney shaving her head. Amanda says that was fun, but then it got sad. Marc says that then it became fun again. It did? Oh, I guess it did. But not as fun as Paris going to jail. Whee! Marc asks why Amanda doesn't want to come. She says that she'll tell him, but he can't say a word to anyone. He swears on the abs of Mark Wahlberg, so she knows he's serious. Amanda asks if he remembers how before she came to Mode she was an actress. Marc gives a patronizing "Mmm-hmmm." Amanda pulls out a DVD that has her name and picture on the front, and Marc says, "Shut the front door! Your acting reel?" The two run off to watch it. As they do, they pass Betty, and Amanda yells, "Hi, Grandma!"
And you know who else catches Betty? None other than Henry, of course. He asks if he can crash the Administrative Professionals party. She's surprised, and he says that he's a bit of a Dungeons and Dragons geek. We shall call him Zerthimon, prophet leader of the githzeri. Or whatever. Seriously, how did people, including my brother, ever play this game? What's wrong with a nice, simple round of Yahtzee? Henry says that he also has a soft spot for castles and chivalry and (motioning to Betty) princesses. The two have a moment of sexual tension that would make Volothamp Geddarm blush. Betty recovers and says that she'll put him and Charlie on the scroll at the door. Henry says that Charlie won't be coming. Oh, is that so? It is: she's been waiting for blanket space at Astor Place so she could sell her jewelry, and someone else's bout with bad chicken made her wish come true. Betty gives a cheer for Charlie, and for salmonella. Henry says, "I shall see thee in the middle ages, my lady," and Betty calls him a dork. But not in the way Amanda would call him a dork. She calls him a dork in the way that indicates she likes to snuggle naked with dorks.
And then, we are smack dab at the beginning of Amanda's acting reel, which looks like the credits to Xanadu. Sadly, she wasn't actually in Xanadu, though. We see her in the bit part of a nurse on a soap, and as the girl on the other end of the Hot Kitty Chat Line. Hey, that number looks familiar. I think my cat, Miss Itty, has overcome her lack of opposable thumbs and found a way to drunk-dial. Eh, you need to amuse yourself somehow when you've turned fourteen and constantly smell of tuna. And then, there is the money shot. We see Amanda skip out toward the camera in a wench costume. She leads other similarly dressed folk, some of whom are holding plates with giant leg of beast. Yes, Amanda was the head wench in the greeting video for The Middle Ages, which is played on a loop at the front door. She says that the other losers at Mode will never let her live it down. Marc says that if she doesn't go, everyone will just make fun of her behind her back. If she does go, however, she'll know who to punish tomorrow. And that seals the deal. She's going.
Meanwhile, Betty wakes a dozing Daniel by entering his office and announcing that his 3:00 is there. He says that he doesn't have a 3:00. Au contraire, Rip Van Dinkle. Betty introduces him to Tyler Blake, who works for Psychology Now, located on the fourteenth floor. Betty has recruited him to help with Daniel's (whisper) sex problem. Tyler reaches out his hand in a manner that makes him look like he wants to grab Daniel's balls. That's one way to cure him, I guess. Daniel pulls Betty aside and asks if she just went to the fourteenth floor, grabbed the first guy she saw, and told him Daniel was a freak. Betty says no, in fact, Tyler was the third guy she saw, and the first two thought Daniel was a lost cause. Turns out Tyler specializes in sexual compulsion issues. Daniel says he isn't going to spill his guts out to some hack magazine writer. Betty, however, is intent on her "mountain to Mohammed" methodology, and shoves Daniel back in his office.
The dulcet tones of a mechanized "La Cucaracha" indicate that Betty has a call. It's a travel agent. Betty says that $1100 is still too much. She starts to haggle, then she sees Daniel walking out of his office. He says that he's going to a model casting. She gives him the deuces, but then is distracted by the person on her phone and says, "I said he has to be in Mexico by Friday, I already told you that." Daniel asks who, and Betty explains that her father will be deported if they don't get him to Mexico for his visa, and they don't even have the money to pay for the ticket. This kind of puts the Wandering Dick Syndrome into perspective, and it guilts Daniel into foregoing the model casting. He asks why Betty didn't tell him about this before. Betty says that he has his own problems to deal with. He asks if there's anything he can do to help. Instead of saying, "Give me some cash, bitch," Betty tells him that if he wants to help her, he can go back into his office and talk to Tyler and get better. Daniel relents.
Back in Queens, Hilda dramatically holds a pair of clippers above her giant nails. Justin rushes in and yells for her not to do it. He says that Barbra didn't cut her nails for Yentl, so why should Hilda? Papa, I can hear your logic loud and clear. Hilda says that if she doesn't cut them, Valerie will fail her. Justin says that if that's the case, Valerie is a disgrace to cosmetology. He adds that Valerie is Hilda's Mr. Weaver, the drama teacher who relegated Justin to Tony's understudy in West Side Story. One day, when he accepts his Tony, Justin is going to thank Mr. Weaver for teaching him how to deal with rejection. Or, he'll yell that Mr. Weaver, rotting on a slope somewhere in Queens, can kiss his ass. Either way. Justin says that Hilda is an adult and can do what she wants. Hilda enthusiastically yells, "Yeah! Screw that place! I quit!" and throws her clippers across the room. What, does Justin not want to give up his free or reduced lunch? Always advocate on the side of money, kid.
Meanwhile, in the pokey, Alexis visits Claire. Claire's face is all bruised, and when Alexis asks about it, Claire says that it was from yoga. Alexis asks if Claire's okay, and Claire says that jail is cake compared to all her rehabs. It is true that Hasselhoff can get a little handsy sometimes. At least in jail, says Claire, you can score a decent glass of toilet wine. I don't even want to know. In more pleasant matters, Alexis tells Claire that she thinks she's falling for Rodrigo, and that he's asked her to move to Rio. Claire asks what Alexis wants, and Alexis says that she doesn't know. Claire tells her that as hard as it's been with Bradford, they've always stood by each other. On feet unblemished by a single callus or corn. If Alexis has found that with someone, says Claire, she should follow him wherever he goes. She only asks that Alexis not disappear completely again. Alexis says that she won't, then she leaves. I mean, Jesus, are you so sexed up that you can't hang out with your mom for ten minutes? Put it away and chat for a while. Claire looks sad when Alexis leaves, and even sadder when a muscled tough named Yoga comes up and tells Claire that she's in Yoga's seat. Please let there be a Pilates equivalent waiting for Paris Hilton. At least she's already used to the toilet wine.
Back at Mode, Wilhelmina asks Marc if her hat is appropriate for prison. Marc says that she wore it to visit Martha, and Wili says that was to detract from the god-awful sweater Martha knitted her. That is not such a good thing. Marc asks why Wili is going to visit "that gangly old boozehound" Claire anyway, and Wili says that Bradford refuses to divorce Claire, and Wili refuses to accept that. So she's hoping to convince Claire to divorce Bradford. Marc asks if she'll be back in time for lunch with the homeless children, and Wili tells him if not, to make sure they get their free hair products, then she gives him a tiny lecture about priorities.
Meanwhile, Tyler tells Daniel that Daniel seeks out sex so he won't have to deal with his problems. Daniel counters that he just likes a little push-push in the bush. He asks if he can start dealing with his life tomorrow, since he has a hot, pants-allergic date that night. And he wants to stick her with his Epi-pen, if you know what I mean. Tyler suggests that Daniel try going out on a sexless date. Daniel chuckles. Tyler tells him that he has to take a stand now, or it gets worse. Plus: herpes.
And then, we cut to the Mode assistants, who are ready to enjoy an evening of merriment at the Ren-fair-esque Middle Ages. Betty spies the giant robot horse, and Christina tells her that as soon as Betty tackles that, she can attack something in a codpiece. Betty says that this will be the easiest $1,000 she's ever earned, and then a giant guy lands at her feet, courtesy of the giant robot horse's throw. Christina says, "I think thou might be screwed," as we head to ye olde commercials.
When we return, Hilda is trying to angle a cheaper ticket for Ignacio. She offers to put him in a pet carrier. What if someone is allergic to illegal immigrants? Hilda berates the person on the other end of the phone and hangs up. Ignacio then tells her that he doesn't have to go. He's been here for thirty years, and he can stay if he wants to. Hilda reads off of some official-looking document that Ignacio has to return to his country of origin and enter the U.S. legally. Today! Today! Today! Ignacio says that they don't have the money, and that this isn't Hilda's problem or Betty's -- it's his. And he's not going. You know, I think Betty should take some of that tough denial talk home from the office.
Meanwhile, Marc and Amanda enter The Middle Ages. Nick comes in beside them and says, "This is so gay." Marc turns to him and says, "No, it's not." Seriously, if this were gay, there would be many more sequins and go-go jousting. Marc and Amanda turn their attention to the welcome DVD. A wench comes skipping out, and...it's not Amanda. Marc thinks this is good news, but Amanda is upset about being replaced by a younger wench. She says that she's going nowhere at Mode, and now she's apparently too old to be a wench. How long, she asks, before she's too old to be a receptionist? Amanda has obviously never been to any other office anywhere. Today, she says, she's eye candy, but tomorrow, she'll be old hard candy covered in lint. Ooh, linty Velamints. That's exactly what the old receptionist would eat. She starts shoving some fried goods into her face. Marc asks if she's having a stroke, and through a mouthful of food she replies, "Maybe. I'm old enough." Hee!
Meanwhile, the giant robot horse claims another victim, and Betty is distressed. Christina notes that if there's a drinking contest, she has that down. Friendly, but unhelpful in this situation. Just then, Betty's phone rings. It's Hilda, who tells her to come home immediately because Ignacio is freaking out. Ignacio calmly says that he's not freaking out, but Hilda repeats that he's freaking out and is threatening to go to Mexico, and she needs Betty to come talk some sense into him. He's just going to give up, says Hilda. Betty says to tell him that she's coming home, and she's bringing the money for his ticket. Maybe she's going to try to sell her body? No, that would probably yield even less than the robot horse.
Back at Daniel's apartment, his pants-allergic date really wants to get him in the sack. He offers to make coffee, he offers to play chess. Again, try the Yahtzee! She'll be so focused on trying to get the large straight that she won't even remember you have a penis. In any case, Daniel's evasion tactics aren't working. His date really, really wants to have sex with him. And she's really, really hot. Maybe Daniel should try hanging around ugly chicks? Daniel hits the TV, and says that The Notebook is on, and he loves that movie. Oh, so do I! Shut up, it's awesome. Predictably, The Notebook makes Daniel's date horny. He thus suggests that they watch Hotel Rwanda. Try Looking for Mr. Goodbar. Daniel's date asks what's up, and says that last time they got together, they didn't even make it out of the cab. Daniel says that he wanted to have a different kind of evening. He asks her seriously if she thinks he's addicted to sex. She does, and she loves it. I think that's called enabling.
We cut back to The Middle Ages. As Betty fearfully watches the giant robot horse, Henry approaches her wielding a giant leg of mutton. Or he's just happy to see her. He gazes at her and realizes that she's going to try to tame the jousting steed. She says it's no big deal, and starts to talk about her thighs of steel before cutting herself off. It's both hot and awkward. Hawkward! Henry tries to take her off to play a much safer game of darts, but Betty says that she has to do it. Christina spills the beans that Betty needs the money to help her father. Henry then says that Betty's not going to ride the giant robot horse -- he is. As he tries to sign up, Betty grabs the giant quill pen out of his hand. He tells her to let him do it. His grandparents had horses, he says. He never actually got near them because he was allergic, but he would look at them out of the window all the time. This ought to end well. Another big dude gets tossed off of the horse, and Betty acquiesces.
Henry signs up, and then his phone rings. It's Charlie. Henry says to her that yes, Betty is there, and that they're not going to have this conversation again. Hmmm, seems like someone's on to the fact that Henry and Betty are soul mates, doesn't it? Betty stands there awkwardly for a moment, and then Henry excuses himself to continue fighting with his girlfriend.
Meanwhile, Wili is visiting Claire and getting "let me hose you down" looks from all sorts of lady prisoners. She tells Claire that she's probably the last person Claire wants to see, but Bradford has been really depressed of late. Claire notes that having one's wife in prison might lead to the tiniest bit of depression. This is why Prisonex was invented. Claire asks why Wilhelmina is really there, given that she's nothing but a selfish bitch. She then checks herself and says, "Pardon my language. Prison has hardened me." I LOVE CLAIRE. I love Wilhelmina too, though. What they need to do is dump Bradford and open their own media conglomerate called Sweet Lady Love Publications. It's the only way. Wili says that she's merely a concerned observer, and that just because Claire's life is on hold, it doesn't mean Bradford's has to be.
As Wili is talking, Claire gets a load of her perfect feet and starts to laugh. She says, "You poor, stupid woman! Look at those toes. You're sleeping with him, aren't you?" Apparently Bradford didn't hide his subscription to Foot Fancy very well. Claire tells Wili that it doesn't mean anything, and it's hardly an exclusive club. Wili asks why, if that were true, Claire cut the brakes on Fey's car. "Or were you threatened...like now?" she asks. Oh, it is on. Claire lunges across the table at Wili and grabs her collar. She calls her a slut and then says that there are a hundred women in the pokey that she could get to slit Wili's throat for a pack of menthols, and she's got a whole carton in her cell. The guards come and pull Claire off of Wili and drag her back to her cell, and all the while she yells, "You stay away from my husband you degenerate piece of human filth or you're dead! Do you hear me? Deeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" Can't they work this out the sophisticated way, wearing bathing suits in a kiddie pool full of jello? Wili smirks, perhaps because she has the same idea, and Claire is kind of hot when she gets all tough and threatening.
Wili's subsequent flash of evil genius entails dragging Marc away from the festivities at The Middle Ages. Oh, boo. He would so enjoy what is to come. He runs by Betty and yells, "Bye, grandma!" But Betty hardly notices, because Henry's name (that is Henry Grubstick, in full) is called to ride the giant robot horse. But Henry is nowhere to be found, because he's off telling Charlie not to be jealous. Fucking Charlie. Maybe Claire can get her taken out, too, if she throws in a can of Bud Light? Betty The Brave is forced to step up to ride the horse. With the knowledge that no good is going to come of any of this, we head to commercials.
When we return, we are in a setting with mood music and soft jazz. And this is where Daniel meets Tyler. Well, how is that supposed to make him want sex less? Daniel confesses that he and his date had sex during Hotel Rwanda. For multiple hours of pleasure, he should try Schindler's List. Tyler tells him that cold turkey is hard, and they don't make a patch for this. He then admits that five years ago, he was where Daniel is now. Daniel says that he doubts this, but Tyler says that he even left his family on Christmas to go to a strip club. But he was dressed as Santa, to deliver presents to the strippers! Or, "presents." That's practically community service. Tyler says that Daniel needs to find something to help him focus on other things. He then asks Daniel if he wants to know how Tyler got through it, and Tyler hands Daniel a bottle of pills that he found "overseas." He tells Daniel that whenever he wants sex, he should take one of them as a distraction. This guy has a degree in sketchiness. Seriously, what is that about?
Meanwhile, Betty is on the horse. Nick yells that she's going to break the horse, and then says, "Get it? Because she's fat," to his friends before bumping fists, the terminal straight guy gesture for wanting to bump other things rhyming with "snugglies." The horse starts bucking, and Betty hangs on. Five seconds in, Nick actually throws, like, a potato at her and clocks her right in the head. That is so wrong! As you can imagine, this makes Betty's task even more difficult, and she flies off the horse with three seconds to go. She looks like she's going to pass out. Nick celebrates on behalf of assholes everywhere. Henry rushes over to her, and a sad Betty laments that she couldn't do it. Nick yells that she got a piece of the Pep, and Henry marches over to him and asks what's wrong with him, noting that Betty could have been hurt. And kind of was hurt, actually. Nick says, "Whatever. Brace-face jacked my yogurt." And again...he kind of has a point. What? Stay away from my peanut butter, bitches, or face the consequences. But Henry doesn't take kindly to this latest insult, and gives Nick a proper little push. Nick pushes back, then Henry pushes back harder, and then Nick looks like he's about to open a can of kung fu whoop ass. A worker comes over and tells them that this dispute will be settled as all disputes must be settled at The Middle Ages: on the log. The crowd starts changing, "Log! Log! Log!" and Amanda notes that things are about to get nerd nasty.
Meanwhile, Marc and Wilhelmina are standing in the stairwell at Mode. Wili wants to prove to Bradford that Claire is a monster by showing him what she's capable of. She tells Marc to hit her as hard as he can. This is like his birthday and Christmas and fifteen seconds on the giant robot horse all wrapped into one! Marc asks if this isn't a little extreme, even for her, and she tells him not to pretend that he never wanted to do it. Marc asks if this is a trap, then gives Wili a little tap on the face. She yells, "Hit me like a man, you pansy," and clocks him. Marc is disturbed. Wili tells him that she needs visible bruises, and then places some bait. She asks who he thinks made sure he didn't get a raise for the past two years, who he thinks cut his vacation time, and who broke into his computer and cancelled his subscription to Dude Cruise...dot com. This last bit is too much for him to bear, and he slaps her good. Wili asks him to do it harder. Okay, now even I think this is a little disturbing. She gives him a good punch, and he goes after her with girly slaps before clocking her right in the face. And, effectively, pushing her down the stairs. She tumbles down and he kind of giggles, which is awesome enough to make me forget why I was disturbed in the first place.
Back at The Middle Ages, it's time for a log brawl. Nick, the black knight, suits up. Betty goes up to Henry and tells him that she knows he believes in chivalry and all that stuff, but he doesn't have to defend her honor. Yes, I do, says Henry the white knight. He puts Betty's paper crown atop her head, and gets ready to go into battle. Christina notes that he's a romantic little banger. Betty just nods, so touched by the gesture that she forgets about how Henry is about to get the crap beat out of him.
Henry and Nick get their giant Q-Tip jousting poles and take their places on the log. It's very American Gladiators. Man, do I miss that show. Henry gets a good whack on Nick's head to start off. He gazes adoringly and proudly at Betty, who goes off into some weird princess fantasy involving sword play and Nick yelling, "I am unmanned!" And, of course, Betty and Henry finally getting to consummate their heretofore unrequited love, clinking armor and all. Back in the present, however, Henry is getting pummeled. Nick gets him off the log and has thus won, but, in a testosterone-fueled display, jumps off and gives him a giant Q-tip to the head, over and over. Maybe he's just being helpful and trying to get the earwax out? An official runs over and pulls Nick off, and then Betty rushes to a beaten Henry's side. She puts his glasses back on his bruised and battered face. An obviously out of it Henry asks if he won. Betty apologizes. And then, this: "I love you," says Henry before he passes out. NO WAY! Commercials.
When we return, Betty is jostling Henry and trying to get him to wake up. She asks if he said I love you, but he is still passed out. "What did you say?" she yells, and gives him a good slap. This episode has been very violent! Henry wakes, smiles, and looks up. "Charlie?" he asks. Betty says that no, it's Betty. But in fact, Charlie is standing right behind her. That bitch is such a buzzkill. Betty awkwardly says hi, and asks how long she's been there. Charlie says that she's been there long enough to wonder why her boyfriend's getting hurt defending Betty. Eh, good point. Betty rushes over to Charlie and says it's not what it looks like. When in fact, it is exactly what it looks like. Bad lie, Betty. Charlie says that she's not stupid, and that she's seen the way that Henry looks at Betty. Betty says that she didn't mean for this to happen, and Charlie replies that there's a reason that fairy tales don't have two princesses. She says that Henry is her boyfriend, and tells Betty to back off. She rushes over to tend to Henry, and Betty stands there feeling kind of dumb.
Meanwhile, in Transylvania, Alexis tells Rodrigo that she's going to Brazil with him. He's excited, and says that to celebrate, he'll light some candles, pour some champagne, and run them a bath. Alexis says, "Cheesy! But it works." Rodrigo exits the room, and Alexis grabs the phone. That's awfully convenient. She hears, of course, Rodrigo talking to Bradford and saying that the plan worked. Alexis looks pissed.
Back at The Middle Ages, Amanda feasts on leg of mutton and a stein full of grog, or something similar. A woman comes up and says she can't believe it's really her. It's the new serving wench from the video, who recognizes Amanda as the old serving wench. Amanda says through a mouth full of mutton, "I know who you are. You replaced me. Step off, Skipper." Skipper says that she didn't want to replace Amanda, and that her whole performance was a home-age to Amanda's. Amanda asks if Marc put her up to this, and Skipper asks if Amanda is Marc's boss at Mode. "Kind of," says Amanda. Skipper notes that all the Mode folks are so fancy, and that Amanda must get to meet a lot of celebrities. Amanda brags that she brought a water to Brad Pitt once and still has the bottle, as Skipper practically faints in ecstasy. So, everyone's happy.
Meanwhile, Alexis tells Rodrigo that she knows he was on the phone with Bradford. He says it was just business and she replies, "Like our relationship?" Oh, snap! Rodrigo tells her to wait, but she twists an arm behind his back saying that she may be a woman, but still knows how to hit like a man. And so does Marc! We've learned a lot of surprising things today. Alexis leaves, but once outside of Rodrigo's room she starts crying and crumples to the floor. I really hope she finds some kind of nasty, fungi-riddled foot and forces Bradford to do all sorts of unmentionable things to it. That shit is not right.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Hilda is telling Ignacio that he has to go to Mexico, and he says that he's not going. He tells her that lawyers make a lot of promises, but he doesn't know if, once he's back in Mexico, he'll be able to get into the U.S. again. He says that Hilda needs to be prepared to step up. Hilda starts to mention Betty, but Ignacio says that she's the oldest, and needs to pull it together. He says that she has a son, is out of a job, and just quit beauty school. She's got the dream, but not the drive. It's a story for the ages. Ignacio tells her that he's not going anywhere until he knows that she's able to take care of the family. And then, Hilda makes the most difficult decision of her life: she cuts her nails. Look away, sensitive souls!
Meanwhile, at The Middle Ages, Henry leaves with Charlie. Betty tells Christina that she knows Henry said "I love you," and asks how he could leave with Charlie. Well, she is his girlfriend. Technicality, I know. Christina posits that maybe Nick scrambled his brains. She adds that Henry is with Charlie because she moved 3,000 miles to be with him. It's the honorable thing, and Henry's a good guy, which is why she fell for him in the first place. Plus, he is 100% grade-A beef under that shirt buttoned up to the chin. Betty says that it was nice to have someone take care of her for a while, and especially Henry. Christina, however, says that the truth of it is that Betty can take care of herself. I'm glad those two are friends again.
This lovely moment is interrupted by Nick Pepper chugging with his friends. He notes to Betty that if she wants a piece of the Pepper, she's going to get the spice, and then pumps a fist to Secretaries' Day. Betty testily says that it's Administrative Professionals' Day, and Nick asks where Sir Dork-o is to defend her honor. The clever use of the non-word "Dork-o" causes him to bump snugglies with his meathead friends again. And Betty, understandably, has had enough. She walks up to Nick and clocks him in the head quite forcefully with the giant jousting Q-tip. Queens, represent! She says that she can defend herself, thank you very much, as we head to commercials.
When we return, Hilda makes a triumphant reappearance at the Cosmetology Institute, and just in time for her test. Despite Valerie's attempts to scare her off, Hilda perms as "Eye of the Tiger" plays in the background. The perm checks out, but Valerie asks why Hilda's model's nails aren't done. Hilda explains that the test said she had to do a manicure, but it just didn't say on whom. She holds up her own, freshly manicured nails and says she wasn't going to waste that hotness on someone else. Valerie reluctantly passes Hilda, and the Suarez family is saved!
Meanwhile, Wilhelmina is laid up in a neck brace, and seriously bruised. Bradford's cell phone rings. He says it's Claire again, then tells Wili he can't believe Claire did this to her. Wili says that three thugs pulled her into an alley, and even tore her Chanel. Bradford guesses he was wrong about Claire, and says she's not the woman he thought she was. Wilhelmina asks what this means, and Bradford says the marriage is over. He's going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow. Wili yells that there's still some ringing in her ears from the accident, and asks him what he said. He tells her that he's divorcing Claire. Wili says that it means so much to her, then asks him to get her a glass of water so she can take her pain pills. When he leaves, his phone vibrates. Of course, it is Claire. Wili picks up the phone and coolly says, "Hello?" Claire looks defeated. Wili cackles. Maybe Claire will really off her now that she has nothing to lose. Also sure to save the day is Alexis, who calls a man named Mr. Wolfe from her office and ominously says she has a problem that needs eliminating before tearing a picture of herself pre-op and Bradford in half. Symbolic!
The day, Betty is a hero at the office. She's like John Henry Galliano. A black-eyed Nick runs into her, and he quickly scampers off. Hee! Daniel catches up with Betty. She says that he looks good and notes that therapy suits him. He says he doesn't want to talk about his problems, he wants to talk about hers. Chief among them is the fact that she has a thoughtless boss who didn't realize until he pulled his pants up and PUT IT AWAY that she deserved more than a crappy trophy. He hands her an envelope, which contains first-class tickets for her whole family to go to Guadalajara. Betty tells him that it's too much, but he says that she's always there for other people, and now she has to let him be there for her. He wishes her a happy Administrative Professionals' Day. See, you can remember lots of things when you don't have sex for a morning! Betty gives him a heartfelt hug and thanks him, before running off to call her family. Quite inconveniently, an attractive woman with cleavage bends down at Betty's desk, and Daniel spies her. He pops a pill, and things get really jarring and jiggly. But not in that way. It appears that one out of one psychologists agree that the best way to deal with your problems is by getting wacky on the junk.
week: More drama, I'm guessing.