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So, Betty spends about half the episode pretty much trying to avoid everyone -- Christina, because she's Wili's pawn; Daniel, because he was a dick; and Henry, because he has a girlfriend who isn't Betty. She also isn't too thrilled with Hilda, either, who opines that she's too hard on her friends, and then brings up how she exiled a high-school friend who ruined their "anti-prom" by getting a date to the actual prom. Daniel, meanwhile, has to deal with the whole "I slept with an underage model named Petra" incident. He offers her $75,000 to go away, but no such luck. He tries to cajole Alexis into putting Petra on the cover, and eventually -- upon Henry's advice -- confesses to her that he's being blackmailed. Alexis, however, is pissed because Bradford offered her $10 million to resign from Mode, leave town, and let Daniel once again take the position of editor-in-chief. Thus, she demands his resignation in return for putting Petra on the cover. But, just in time, Daniel and Betty reconcile, and Betty saves the day once again by uncovering the fact that Petra is actually twenty. In the process, she and Henry reconnect, and eventually her goodwill extends to Christina, too. Meanwhile, a lot of folks are getting busy. Amanda bags a closet straight designer, who provides her with hot sex and free clothes. Alexis gets devirginized by the creative director of Mode Brazil, who doesn't care that she used to be a man. He even goes so far as to invite her to come back to Brazil with him. And why? Because Bradford has promised him that he'll be Mode Brazil's editor-in-chief if he can get Alexis the hell out of his life. And whose idea was that? Wilhelmina's, of course. And speaking, of, she's getting a little too busy for her liking, and has Marc replace Bradford's Viagra with mints. But it doesn't matter, because she's just that good. However, she's not good enough to become the Mrs. Meade, as Bradford tells her that he'll never divorce Claire. And finally, Hilda and Santos have started dating again, and, despite Ignacio's warnings to him, he proposes. And Hilda accepts! You know the only thing that could ruin this happy Suarez family moment? Ignacio's lawyer telling him that he'll have to go back to Mexico. And that totally happens. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Ugly Betty: Betty got all judge-y when Christina confessed that she's been doing favors for Wilhelmina in return for the opportunity to get into Mode's fashion week show. Alex Meade came back from the dead and with an extra "x" chromosome to boot, much to Bradford's chagrin. Wilhelmina learned that the path to Bradford's heart -- and hopefully to becoming editor-in-chief of Mode -- was paved with pumice stones. Daniel told Betty that she needed to punch out and stop watching him off the clock. This was a decision he'd come to regret when he accidentally slept with a sixteen-year-old model whose mother then blackmailed him for a cover shoot. How in the world will he get out of this statutory scrape?
It is early morning at the Suarez house. We are in Betty's bedroom, and we see a pair of hands grasping onto the window ledge from outside. Oh, great, now Betty's going to get abducted. Hasn't she been through enough already? No, actually it's Hilda, and she hoists herself through the window and lands on a sleeping Betty. Betty jumps up with a start, and we get to see her headgear and curlers, and she screams. Hilda asks Betty what she's doing there, and Betty is like, duh, I live here, you ho. She asks what Hilda's doing climbing through her window like she's in high school. Hilda explains that she was out again last night -- with Santos! She doesn't want to tell Ignacio or Justin yet, because she's not sure if it's just "I love you" or "I love you naked." In the best of all possible worlds, it would be both.
Hilda asks why Betty isn't at work. Betty says that she's calling in sick and hides under the covers. Hilda sarcastically asks if she's still mad at everybody there. Betty asks why she wouldn't be. Christina's her best friend, and Betty confided things in her that she went and told Wilhelmina. Daniel told her to butt out of his life, and that she's just his secretary. And I bet he doesn't even get her a nice three-in-one basket plant on Secretary's Day, either. And then there's Henry. Hilda asks what he did, and Betty says nothing, but he has a girlfriend. And that's just the cherry on the sundae. Hilda asks kindly if Betty would like a sundae. Betty nods, and Hilda says tough, because it's Monday and she should go to work and be an adult. A job, Hilda says, is about making money, not friends. Hey, just like a reality show! Hilda says that a job is also about stealing office supplies, then reminds Betty that they're out of coffee filters. Seriously, if I didn't have a job, I would never be able to staple anything.
And then, we are at Wilhelmina's place. Bradford stretches and says, "Well, that's certainly a nice way to wake up in the morning." By eating scrambled eggs from her arch? You know it's a sad scene when that option seems less creepy than actual sex. Wili, lounging in her awesome bed that I covet in a negligee that I covet, says that he should think of her as his café au lait. Caf´ au laid might be more accurate. Bradford says that he wishes he didn't have to leave, and that he's not looking forward to his meeting with Alex. Wili asks if he wants to talk about it, but Bradford declines. Wili says that she hopes Bradford doesn't just think of her as his morning pick-me-up. She'd like to think that she's an important part of his life. Someone he can talk to. Or marry, and then hand his company over to. And then eventually be put in a home by. Seriously, if that man isn't careful, someone is going to be spoon-feeding him rice pudding in six months. Bradford picks up a bottle of pills and shakes them, saying that if Wilhelmina really wants to take his mind off of things, the postman can always ring twice. And you know who's really not so thrilled about having sex with Bradford? Well, I mean, anyone. But especially Wilhelmina, who ruefully acknowledges the miracle of modern medicine.
At Mode, Daniel is having his morning coffee with a dose of underage sugar. Petra and her mom -- whose name is actually Lena, I have discovered -- are in his office, and Lena says that if Petra doesn't get the cover, then she'll tell the police that he likes to play in the "minor leagues," so to speak. Petra laughs, and Lena tells her to stop doing that, because she'll get wrinkles. Ah, finally a parent-child relationship that makes Bradford and Alexis look functional. I guess that makes two, if you consider the sad story of Alec Baldwin. Daniel sees Betty come in and settle at her desk. He tosses an envelope at Lena and says that it contains $75,000, then asks if that's enough to make them forget that this ever happened. I love how he's all Dr. Evil with his 75 THOUSAND dollars. Lena is incensed. She says that this isn't about money, but about Petra's career. She's going to be the Kate Moss, but not such a piggy. Hey, lay off Kate Moss. She has enough to deal with. Daniel says that they have a big shoot today with Mode Brazil, their sister magazine, and that he can probably get her in. Petra excitedly says that she already has the wax, but Lena cuts off the conversation with a glare, saying it's the cover or jail. As they leave, she notes that Petra must be starving, and that they'll get her a club soda. Daniel is pretty much still crapping his pants.
Once the "My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!" evildoers leave, Betty takes a deep breath, reminds herself that it's just a job, and enters Daniel's office. He sighs that he's so glad that she's there. Before he can say more, she mechanically gives him his messages -- he left his pants at Bungalow 8, and someone named Monique is wondering if he's still taking her to dinner on Friday, and if not, Wilmer Valderrama's in second position. Wilmer Valderrama is in the second position of life. Daniel asks if they can talk about Friday, and Betty curtly says that there's no need, and that the cafeteria is out of bagels, so she's going to get him one from the kiosk. Daniel asks if she's really not going to let him say anything, and she shoots back that he already said it all -- he's her boss and she's his assistant. She says that she'll be back in ten and leaves. See above about Daniel crapping his pants.
Meanwhile, Wilhelmina enters her office with the much-hated bottle of Viagra, saying that she'd love to get her hands on the man who invented them -- and she's sure that it's a man. She tells Marc to replace them with something. Well, anything but cyanide, because she needs the old coot alive. But not ALL of him alive. Seriously, Bradford needs to put it away. Marc asks if Little Bradford is keeping her up at night. Wili says that she tries to nod off, but when the finish line approaches, he starts howling like a wounded beagle. Marc asks if it's really worth it, and Wili says that the only way she can run the empire is if she marries the horndog. I believe those words were once spoken by a certain senator from New York. Marc notes that there's still a current Mrs. Horndog, and asks what Wili wants to do about her. Wili says first things first. Marc says that he's no expert on moving beyond the sex (because, why?) but if she wants to move from mistress to Mrs., she needs to make herself a little more indispensable -- find the thorn in his paw and pull it out. Wili gives an impressed "Out of the mouths of gays," and Marc is in love with himself for a minute.
Meanwhile, Bradford is meeting with his thorn. He has given Alexis a check for $10 million. It's all hers if she resigns from Mode and disappears for good. See, generally $10 million will make people do things that $75,000 won't. Bradford says that he has one child now -- Daniel -- and that Daniel should be running Mode. Alexis calls Bradford a stupid son of a bitch and tells him that he doesn't get it. She's not going anywhere until she's made him pay for everything that he's done to her. So I guess that tender father-child reunion isn't only a motion away. Quelle dommage.
As Betty re-enters the building, Amanda cattily gives her a few messages. Christina called about 12,000 times -- most likely drunk-dialing -- and Betty's "nerd lover" has been sniffing around. Betty says that Henry isn't her lover, and that Amanda should throw away the messages from Christina. Amanda notes with delight that someone has her bitch on. As Betty leaves, a very handsome and well dressed man enters with a rack of clothes. It's Tavares, a designer who has a 9:00 with Wilhelmina to show her his new designs. As he turns around, Amanda purrs, "Fierce!" and Tavares gives her a snap, likely intimating that heaven must be missing an angel.
Back at the Suarez house, Ignacio tells Justin that his new lawyer said he's on the fast track to becoming a citizen. Justin says that that's great news, and that they should plan a "Crossing The Border" party and make everyone hop over a fence to get in the door. As Justin leaves, Hilda enters. She says she has no time for breakfast. She has to be at the Cosmetology Institute at 10:00, and if you're late they make you sweep the hair. Ignacio notes that Hilda looks tired, and she launches into some long explanation involving Suzanne Somers and QVC. That combination would probably give me insomnia, too. Ignacio cuts her short and says that she puts in too many details when she lies. He knows that she was out with Santos -- he heard her climb the drainpipe. He sarcastically asks if Santos at least walked her to the pipe and gave her a boost. Hilda defensively says so what if she was with Santos; she's not a kid anymore and can do what she wants. Ignacio says that Hilda's problem is that she never thinks things through. Hilda stomps out, saying that he never lets up, she hates the house, and she's so out of there when she's forty. Hee!
Meanwhile, Betty is getting Daniel's bagel. She passes Petra, who is getting a pack of cigarettes from a vendor. He asks her for ID. And at this moment, didn't you just know what was going to happen? Petra sees Betty and says, "Oh, hello. Aren't you the maid from the office?" Oh, poor Betty. And then, even poorer Betty! As she orders the bagel, she sees a bickering Henry and Charlie coming down the street. She tries to hightail it out of there, but to no avail. They say hello, and Charlie says that she's sorry for the sad face, but she and Henry are fighting. She asks Betty: if she moved halfway across the country to be with the person she loved, wouldn't she want him to come home from the office at a normal time every once in a while? Henry in turn asks Betty what she would do if she had a girlfriend who relied on her for absolutely everything. Wear rainbow rubber bands in her braces and stop pining after Henry, maybe? She gets out of there but quick.
She then is heading back up to the office, when who should enter the elevator behind a big rack of clothes? Christina, of course. Betty can't seem to avoid anyone that she temporarily hates! Christina asks if they can talk, because she's really, really sorry. Betty gets out and takes the stairs. Cold as ice! As she walks toward the reception desk, her worst nightmare comes true: Henry comes down one hallway to talk with her about what happened earlier; Daniel comes down another saying that he wants to explain; and Christina comes down a third saying that Betty can't just stop speaking to her. Betty has a brief witch-hunt-costume fantasy before dropping her bagel, deciding to screw those crackers, and saying that she's sick and is going home. With that, we have commercials.
When we return, Daniel walks in late to an editorial meeting. Alexis notes her surprise that he decided to show up, given that there's no open bar. Snap! Do not mess with a transsexual, because she will read you like Anne of Green Gables. Daniel proudly announces that he's saved month's issue. He throws a portfolio on the table and says, "Meet your new cover girl! Bam!" Alexis questions his use of "Bam!" before saying that she can't believe she used to be a guy. She scoffs at the portfolio and says that the biggest credit that this model (who is Petra, of course) has is a toothpaste ad in the Ukraine. She asks if he seriously wants her to bump Scarlett Johansson for Petra. Daniel tries to play the "Scarlett Johansson is tired" card. Which, isn't she, just a little? Please? Alexis then says that she gets it -- Daniel got this chick into bed by promising her a cover. The staff at Mode really must appreciate how their bosses behave so professionally right in front of them. Daniel says that he controls half of the magazine, and he wants her on the cover. Alexis says that she controls the half that actually does the work, and no freakin' way. Daniel might have more leverage if, during his limited visits to the office, he smelled less strongly of gin and tube socks.
Suddenly, we are at the Cosmetology Institute of Queens, whose mission it is "to make the world beautylicious, one head at a time." As an instructor walks by her, Hilda says to someone whose head is in the sink, "I know this is a little uncomfortable, but rinsing the hair with cold water closes the cuticles and smoothes the hair." As will a blast of cold air from your hair dryer! Ooh, I want more beauty tips. In any case, it is good to see Hilda working on something other than that creepy doll head. Betty walks in, and we learn that Hilda's client is actually Justin. She agreed to let him miss gym if he agreed to be her hair model. Why did my mom never do that? Hilda asks why Betty's not at work, and Betty says that she just couldn't suck it up, and maybe she should just quit. Hilda plops Betty down in the chair and says that half of a stylist's job is listening, and besides, Betty is in desperate need of hair-apy. She hands Betty a lollipop, which gets a little smile. Couldn't you choke on that thing if someone started to wash your hair really vigorously? I smell a lawsuit that will tear apart the Suarez family for good!
Back at Mode, Wili runs into Tavares outside her office. She asks if she knows him, and when he says no, she tells him to stop talking to her. A hovering Marc tells him not to take it personally -- Wili once made Dolce wait for three hours and Gabbana for five. She hates Gabbana, perhaps because he's so wee. As Marc goes to attend to Wili, Tavares sadly says goodbye to Amanda. She tells him to wait, because she feels bad for him. She puts him on Wili's calendar for Tuesday at 10:00, saying that Lindsay will be back in rehab by then anyway. As thanks, Tavares gives her a jacket from his collection, saying that only she would do it justice. As he turns around, Amanda says, "Agh. If I were a gay guy, I would so tap that." If I were a gay guy, I would tap to "The Trolley Song."
Meanwhile, there is a very sparkly shoot happening for Mode Brazil. A really hot dude walks over to the models and emphatically says that he wants them to smile. His concept was about sun and fun -- this is about tan lines, not global warming. I guess that's why Al Gore isn't there in a Speedo. He starts dancing with a model, because he's Latin and can't help but be spicy like a jalapeño. Marc approaches Wili, who's watching interestedly, and learns that this is the creative director for Mode Brazil. Marc says, "When I die, have me cremated and sprinkled all over his body." He gives Wili her messages, and then hands her the Viagra bottle, which is now filled with...mints. He says that Bradford won't even be able to keep the remote up tonight.
Amanda comes in, and Wili asks where she got her jacket. Amanda reports that it's from an up-and-coming designer named Tavares -- no last name, because he's just that good. Wili says that the buttons totally ruin the line, but she doesn't hate it. She asks Marc why she doesn't know about Tavares. Marc hems and haws, and Amanda interjects, saying that he's in her book for Tuesday. Wili praises Marc for his good work, and Amanda wants to slice his throat open with a jagged sequin.
Alexis enters. The Mode Brazil director approaches her and says that he thinks her models are depressed, and in fact, everyone in New York is depressed. In his country, a woman buries her husband, then puts on a bikini and goes to the beach. Alexis says, "But a black bikini, because she still has to mourn," and they both laugh. Oh, the art of the transatlantic flirt. Or, in this case, the tranny-atlantic flirt. Hot Brazilian guy introduces himself as Rodrigo Villaloso, and they do the cheek-kissing thing. Alexis starts to introduce herself, but there's no need. Rodrigo says that he always knows the name of the most beautiful woman in the room. Alexis gets a slightly terrified look in her eyes, as well she should.
Back at the Cosmetology Institute, Betty tells Hilda, who has put Betty's hair in a confounding assortment of clips, that maybe she needs to find new friends who won't let her down. Hilda kind of shyly smiles and nods, and tells Betty that this is her "wise hairdresser's nod," which you have to do even if you're not listening. She says that Betty is too hard on her friends, and always has been. Justin, who's under the dryer, agrees. Betty is outraged and rips off her smock to leave, but Hilda stops her with two words: Trina DiPaolo. Betty has a look of even further outrage.
Meanwhile, Henry approaches Daniel at Mode. Daniel says that if Henry is looking for Betty, she's not there. Henry knows, and is actually looking to talk to Daniel about the $75,000 check Henry cut for him. He notes that it's kind of a big miscellaneous expense. Daniel hands Henry the check and says that he's not going to need it in prison. He will need something to hide those sad puppy dog eyes, though. Reow! Henry looks stunned as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty is still outraged, and can't believe that Hilda would even say the name "Trina DiPaolo" to her. Justin asks who Trina is, and Hilda says that she was Betty's best friend all through high school, until Betty ended it. Betty says that Trina was the one who ruined it, when she ruined their anti-prom. The anti-prom, of course, was a celebration of how much they hated the prom. Can I have an anti-work? Anybody with me? Hilda interjects that she loved her prom, and nine months later she had a wonderful reminder of it. Oh, poor Justin.
Betty explains that she and Trina had planned their anti-prom for months. They knew that no boys would ask them, so they ate cookie dough and rented Carrie. It sounds kind of fun, even if it was designed to mask the pain inside, and was surely mocked far and wide as a pathetic display of patheticism. We flash back to Betty and Trina sitting on the couch, decked out in their taffeta prom gear. Betty is covering her face with her hands, because Carrie is scary, yo. Hilda comes in and says, "Oh my God, you two losers are actually doing this?" Aw, supportive even in Betty's younger years. Trina tells Betty that she can look, and Betty uncovers her face to reveal... teeth. Like, of Mr. Ed proportions. There are other elements too, but the teeth sort of push their way to the front of the queue. Hilda barges her way onto the couch and notes that John Travolta used to be cute. "What happened?" she asks. Scientology causes bloating, I guess.
Then, Betty narrates, Trina got a phone call, and it turned into one of the worst nights of Betty's life. Turns out, Trina left. To go to the prom! In flashback, Trina says that she's sorry, but it's Sam Pappas -- she's had a crush on him since he put gum in her hair. His date got chicken pox, and he had no one else to go with. Hilda flatly says, "It's a prom-night miracle." Betty and her teeth and her Sally Jessy Raphael glasses angrily say to Trina that they made a pact on yearbook committee. Trina replies that Betty is sad and pathetic and will never have a boyfriend, then dumps a bucket of pig's blood on Betty's head. Trina and Hilda laugh and laugh. Cut back to the present, where Hilda says that she was there, and that's not what happened at all. Except, I would guess, for the part where Hilda laughed at her. Cut back to Hilda's version of the flashback, where Trina says that she knows it's sad and pathetic that she's leaving, but this is the closest she'll ever get to having a boyfriend. Betty calls her a traitor and tells her to go, all the while struggling to close her lips around her ginormous teeth. Trina asks her to understand, and Betty just gives her the hand. See, their mistake was planning an anti-prom of two. You always need at least three, so if one gets a last-minute date you can bitch about her all night then totally ostracize her at school on Monday and spread rumors about what a big slut she is.
Back in the present day, Betty says that maybe she embellished a little, but it FELT like pig's blood was dumped on her when Trina left. Justin says that Betty is "so theater." Hilda says that Trina called for days, but Betty wouldn't talk to her and totally shut her out because she made one mistake. Betty says it was a big one, and Hilda asks if it was worth it, with the follow-up question being who Betty ate lunch with for the rest of the school year. The answer, of course, is: the lunch ladies. Justin asks if it was Eleanor, because she's a total gossip. Why are lunch ladies always named Eleanor? Betty asks Hilda what she would have done in Betty's place, and Hilda says that she would have told Trina how that made her feel, which is exactly what Betty should be doing with Christina and Daniel. Betty says that it's too hard, and notes that Hilda said that jobs were just about paychecks. Hilda says that obviously this isn't true for Betty, and takes a curler out of her bangs. There is nothing sadder than a lonely flipped bang-curl.
Back at Mode, we see Henry in Daniel's office, simply saying, "Wow." Yeah, guess he knows about Petra. He says that he's never known anyone who's been blackmailed before, and it's so All My Children. Which he used to watch with his mother. He doesn't know why he just said that. Perhaps because there's nothing more adorable than a man who will watch SoapNet with you? No shame, Henry. Daniel is sorry for dumping everything on Henry, but he needed to talk to someone, and there aren't that many folks at Mode to do that with. Henry says that he misses Betty too. Awww. Daniel says that Betty warned him about screwing up, and though he was drunk, he never thought that Petra was underage. Henry thinks that Daniel was set up -- which, duh -- but Daniel says that it doesn't matter, and maybe he should just face the consequences. Henry emphatically says that no, Daniel needs to get Alexis to put Petra on the cover, and that he should tell her what's going on. Henry thinks the fact that Daniel is family will count for something. Henry needs to start paying better attention to what's going on at the workplace.
Meanwhile, Amanda is on the phone with Tavares, telling him how much Wilhelmina loved the jacket. She asks how much he loves her, and Tavares says that it's Matt Damon, then her. The minute he mentioned Matt Damon was the minute I knew he couldn't really be gay. Amanda gives him some tips to impress Wilhelmina, including getting rid of the offensive buttons and removing sequins on a black dress, because they'll remind Wili of the bad times at 54. Tavares asks Amanda if she'll come to his studio that night and tell him what Wili will love and hate. Once she gets assurance that there are free clothes in it for her, she agrees.
Back at the Mode Brazil shoot, Rodrigo asks Alexis if she'll accompany him to dinner that evening. She politely declines, saying that she has a lot of work to do. Rodrigo says that he'll keep himself open in case she changes her mind. Wilhelmina approaches Alexis and notes that Rodrigo is quite a specimen. Alexis confesses that he asked her to dinner, and she said no. Wili asks why, and Alexis says because dinner means sex and, having previously been a guy, she knows that. And, as it happens, Alexis hasn't exactly utilized the new plumbing since her operation. Or, as Wili says, she hasn't taken the car out for a test drive. But, Wili argues, someone's going to have to put the key in the ignition at some point. Well, what if you feel like taking the bus? Alexis gives a long look back at Rodrigo as we head to commercials.
When we return, Daniel is explaining the Petra situation to Alexis. She asks, "My total lack of surprise...is it real or is it Botox?" Ha! The people at Botox should do a series of celebrity billboards with that tagline. We haven't really seen enough of Nicole Kidman lately. Daniel says that he needs Alexis's help, and she just laughs, noting the irony that Daniel is the one their father trusts. Daniel says that whatever Bradford has done to Alexis -- including the $10 million offer to resign -- has nothing to do with him. Alexis doesn't care, and she says that if Daniel wants Ms. Teen Kazakhstan on the cover, then he'll be the one to resign. She'll happily screw him over to get back at Bradford. Daniel says that she has a cold heart, and Alexis says that she had it installed with the other upgrades.
Meanwhile, Ignacio has made a sandwich for himself and Santos. Santos suspects that it's made with cyanide mayonnaise, which I think is probably a good bet. Ignacio prods for info on what's going on with Santos and Hilda. Santos says that they're dating. Ignacio asks if Santos remembers 1995, and Santos says sure -- the Knicks lost in the playoffs, the Braves won the series, and Sunset Boulevard won the Tony for best musical. That last fact is courtesy of Justin's Broadway-A-Day calendar. But, as Santos points out, 1995 was also the year that Hilda got knocked up and Santos walked out on her. Ignacio says that he doesn't give a rat about Santos, but Hilda and Justin do. He says that he know Santos is going to walk out on them again, so he should do it now, before anyone starts dreaming of a future that's never going to happen. Santos gets up and walks out. Hey, is anyone going to eat that sandwich? I'm hungry.
Back at Mode, Rodrigo enters Alexis' office. Turns out, she's decided to accept his invitation. But, she says, there's something they should talk about first. Wow. Having to tell your date that you used to be a man must be even more awkward than telling your date that you have herpes. And just think, poor Paris Hilton has to do both! But, in fact, Rodrigo already knows. Alexis is surprised that the news made it to Brazil, and Rodrigo says that she's international, like the House Of Pancakes. More like the House Of Mancakes. Rodrigo says that he doesn't care who she was -- he wants to know who she is now. He gives her a kiss and leaves, saying that he'll see her for dinner at eight.
It is evening. Betty goes to the closet to look for Christina, who isn't there. She starts to write her a note on a post-it, but, as in all difficult situations, can only think about how much she wants an ice cream sundae. She eventually settles on hot fudge and nuts and leaves a note reading, "Christina, can we please talk?" As she is about to leave, she catches a glance of herself in the mirror and tries to get the Hilda-curl out of her bangs with the clothes steamer. And who should walk in at this moment of a-dork-ableness but Henry? He asks if she's feeling better, and she says that she felt like she had to come back. Henry assumes that she's heard about Daniel. Betty asks what he means.
Cut to Betty wrangling Daniel into his office. She says that they have a lot to talk about. First, she says, it was wrong of her to shut him out, but he was more wrong for being a total dick to her at Prague. Daniel knows, and is sorry, and didn't mean the things he said. Betty says that's good, because when he hired her he got more than an assistant -- he got a friend. And in fact, if Daniel threw a party, and invited everyone he knew, he would see that the biggest gift would be from Betty. And the card attached would say...well, you get the drift. If Daniel screws up, says Betty, she's going to tell him -- that's just who she is. Daniel says he needs that, and that he needs her. He asks if they're okay, and she says of course they are, before yelling, "SIXTEEN! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" Daniel swears that he didn't know. Betty believes him, but I mean, still. It's pretty grody. Betty asks how they'll fix this, and Daniel says there's only one option -- he has to resign. Betty looks concerned.
Meanwhile, Amanda is giving Tavares some advice at his loft. He says that she's saving his behind, and she says, "More like an A+-hind." Tavares strikes a pose indicating that he knows his hind has distinction with honors. Amanda begs to try on a dress, and Tavares tells her that the dressing room is down the hall. She says, "Ugh, like you care, Nancy," and starts stripping. She gabs as she's doing so, but then is stopped short as she notices that Tavares's Tim Gunn is at full attention. She asks if he's thinking about Matt Damon, and he shakes his head no before saying that he has a little confession to make. Carry on, designer.
Meanwhile, at Casa de Suarez, Hilda is pacing. Ignacio asks if she's going out with Santos again, and if he's late. Hilda says it's only been a few minutes, and that he'll be there. He's going to honk twice. Ah, romance, Queens-style. Ignacio says that maybe he's not coming. Hilda asks him to stop it, and Ignacio says that he just doesn't want her to be disappointed. Just then, there's a knock on the door. It's Santos! Hilda asks why he didn't honk, and Santos looks at Ignacio and says that they don't need to sneak around anymore. He gets on one knee. Ignacio asks what he's doing, and Santos says, "What I should have done when Sunset Boulevard won the Tony." Wrapped your turban tighter and laid hands on your life-sized cardboard cutout of Glenn Close? No, actually, Santos proposes. He loves Hilda and wants her to be his wife. Ignacio looks shocked, and Hilda gets a big "fisheye from the hotel clerk no more!" smile as we head to commercials.
When we return, Hilda is dragging Justin down the stairs. He says that this had better be important, because Tyra's about to tell off four top models. Oh, man, it's like my world just turned in on itself. Is all of TV just a dream I had? The two sit down, and Hilda shows Justin the ring. He notes that it's a half-carat emerald cut, and is beautiful, and then he says, "It took dad long enough." Hilda is surprised that Justin knew, and he tells her to come on -- every morning, she smells like Paco Rabanne. Better than smelling like '80s music sensation Paco. Or a taco. ["Or '80s music non-sensation Taco. Just me remembering 'Puttin' On The Ritz'? Okay, then." -- Miss Alli] Hilda says that she hasn't made a decision yet, because it's about both her and Justin. It's been just the two of them for a long time, so it's his decision too. Awww. Hilda is a really good mom. But Justin says that it's not his decision. In a few years, he'll be out of the house, so she shouldn't marry Santos because of him. She should marry him because she loves him. Awww. Justin is a really good kid.
At Mode, Daniel is getting ready to sign his resignation papers. He tells Alexis that he has one condition -- he wants to make sure that Betty has a job. Alexis has a split second of looking like she maybe thinks Daniel is an okay kind of guy. Or maybe she farted. Betty and Henry look in on the two of them. Henry can't believe that Alexis is doing this. They're family, he says, and even Erica Kane forgave her daughter Kendall when she slept with her fourth husband. Betty gives him a look and he says, "All My Children. It's just something I know." Does anyone remember when Sarah Michelle Gellar played Kendall? Those were some crazy times.
In walk Lena and Petra. Lena says that they wanted to do some test shots for Petra's cover. Betty says sarcastically that Lena must be so proud of how she got this job for her daughter, and that maybe they should put Lena on the cover of their Mother's Day issue. Well done, Betty! That brief period of dating Marc really paid off. Lena and Petra sit down across from Betty and Henry, wearing both smirks of evil and zebra print. Some time passes. And then, it happens. Petra lights up a cigarette. Henry emphatically says that there's no smoking in the building. Petra extinguishes her lighter, but she can't extinguish the flame of truth that has burst forth in Betty's head. Betty flashes back to the street vendor who asked Petra for i.d., and then to a sign that says you can't buy cigarettes unless you're 18. She exclaims, "Oh my God!" grabs a purse, and runs into the conference room yelling to Daniel that he doesn't have to resign, because Petra's not sixteen. She dumps out the purse's contents and slides a passport across the table. Alexis grabs it, looks at it, and says, "Actually she's 38. And I thought my work was good." It's Lena's passport.
Upon realizing this, Henry grabs the other purse left on the seat and makes a pass to Betty. That's to Betty, not at Betty, so stop getting so excited. Betty dumps it out and slides Petra's passport across the table to Daniel. Turns out Petra's twenty. Lena yells at Petra that she told her not to carry it in her purse, and then says something assumedly scathing in another language. Petra says, "Shut up, Lena," which maybe hints at the fact that Lena isn't even her mother. Daniel can't believe that it was a scam, and tells them that they almost ruined his life. Yeah, but that happens, like, every other day. He could be less of a drama queen about it. He tells Alexis that he's not going anywhere and tears up the resignation letter. Alexis can't believe it. On her way out, she tells Betty that she should ask for a raise. And a company car, even if she never drives it. And a foot rub.
Henry and Betty celebrate. She excitedly says that they totally saved the day, and that she's Wonder Woman. Or, is wearing Wonder Woman Underoos. Same difference, really. Henry is excited that he snatched a purse, and says that he's kind of a bad-ass. The two have a big hug that actually involves Henry lifting Betty off the ground and twirling her around. They gaze into each other's eyes, and Henry tells Betty that he missed her. She missed him too. And, on cue, Charlie gets off the elevator and sees them. The truth hurts, don't it, Red?
Meanwhile, at Tavares's loft, there is some post-coital bliss to be found. Amanda asks Tavares if she turned him straight, saying that her history of turning usually goes the other way. Tavares, who is f'ing CUT and needs to be in more scenes not wearing a shirt, says that he's straight, but in the closet. In the fashion business, he continues, nobody will even look at a straight guy's portfolio. Oh, boo hoo, straight men have such a difficult life. Excuse me for a moment while I listen to the world's tiniest violin play "Livin' on a Prayer." Amanda says this is just like the time she pretended to be a lesbian to get Kate Smith to do her math homework in junior high. She tells Tavares not to judge her, and then calls him a faux-mo. Tavares wishes that they could make this work, and Amanda asks why they can't. She says that when they're in public, she'll be part of his entourage, and when they're in private, he'll be straight and she'll be naked. Tavares asks if she's really up for this, and she notes that the combination of great sex and free clothes pretty much encompasses every thinking girl's ideal relationship.
And then, we are at Rodrigo's. Alexis, looking super-foxy, comes in. She says that she had a really bad day, and asks if there's any chance that they can skip dinner. And then, she totally tackles him, plants a big wet one on him, and throws him down on the bed. Hey, linebacking girls need love, too. Rodrigo figures out that this is her first time as a girl, but he doesn't seem to mind.
Back in Queens, Hilda tells Santos that getting married is too scary for her right now. She knows he's there now, but she can't get her heart broken again. Santos says, "So you're gonna break my heart." Well, now you know how it feels, chump. Hilda asks why they have to rush into everything. She says that they're not kids anymore, and she wants to know that they're doing this for the right reasons. Santos says that the reason he proposed is that he loves her, and he asks if she can honestly look at him and say that she doesn't love him. Well, why does she have to? Like, just date for a while. Take it slow. No need to start jumping on couches and shit. Santos leaves angrily. Once he is gone, Hilda gets teary and says that she does love him. She then runs out after him, and he's totally just waiting on the porch. That was such a move! Run, Hilda, run! But they kiss and hug and he spins her around just like Henry did to Betty as we head to commercials. Hmm, I wonder what tragedy can cut this happy moment short.
Back at Rodrigo's, we have the third or fourth instance of post-coital bliss this episode. Alexis says, "That was...worth becoming a woman for." Rodrigo asks why he had to meet her just days before he has to go back to Brazil. She says she wishes she could go with him, and he asks in all seriousness why she doesn't. He says that after what she's told him about her family, it doesn't seem like there's much to keep her there. It's called holding a grudge and awaiting retribution. Rodrigo says that he has a beautiful place on the beach, and that she can come there for a week, or a month. Or, the implication is, as long as she wants. She says that he should be careful what he wishes for, because she might never come back.
Meanwhile, Daniel has poured himself and Betty each a glass of champagne. He jokingly asks if she's old enough to drink, and gets a stern look in reply. Betty asks if this is really something he thinks they should be celebrating. Daniel says that he could have gone to jail but isn't, and could have lost the magazine but didn't. So yeah, he thinks it's time to party. When a thirty-something-year-old editor-in-chief still uses "party" as a verb, you have a problem on your hands. Daniel asks Betty to call the two girls that he met at Trump's party to see if they want to hook up later. He's officially celebrating the end of Petra-gate. Betty can't believe it. She tells Daniel that, as his friend, she thinks he has a problem. He sleeps with women to distract himself from what's going on with his life, and is using them like a drug. Betty totally thinks he's a sex addict! Like Brenda from Six Feet Under, or Bill Clinton. She even did some internet research and tries to give him a folder full of information. But Daniel just brushes her off. Which is what sex addicts do when they're in denial! Seriously, I think she's on to something.
Betty turns around, and who is standing there but Christina? The two have a talk. We see just the tail end of their conversation, wherein Betty asks if Christina understands why she's so hurt. Christina does, even if she doesn't understand how Carrie and the prom fit in. Hee. She's sorry, and can't say it enough. Betty knows. She asks how deep in Christina is with Wilhelmina. Christina says she's in deep enough to hate herself a little every morning. But it all stops tomorrow, because she's going to tell Wili to piss off. Betty doesn't want Christina to do anything to get herself in trouble. Then, a light bulb goes off, and Christina says that maybe she could get some info to help Betty and Daniel. Well, duh, there's a thought. She says that Wili yaks about everything in front of her, and notes that Wili makes her cleaning lady use the bathroom at the Korean market. Hey, we've seen that cleaning lady. I can't really blame Wili. Betty says that she's had enough intrigue for one day and gets up to leave. Christina tries to persuade Betty to grab some dinner or a sundae. Betty declines, but says that they'll do it soon. I think they can safely put their "Best Friends" necklaces back on now.
Meanwhile, Bradford is in his office, writing a check. He says that the rest of the money will come when the job is done, and hands it to...Rodrigo! Oh, no one likes Alexis for who she really is. It makes me sad. Rodrigo also wants a promotion to become editor-in-chief of Mode Brazil. Bradford says that when he gets Alexis out of the country, he can have anything he wants. Rodrigo thinks that it's a matter of time, because Alexis is already hooked. I can't WAIT until Alexis finds out about this and Bradford gets a stiletto right in the heart.
When Rodrigo is gone, Bradford turns to Wilhelmina and says that she's a genius. Of course the whole thing was her idea. They don't bottle that particular kind of evil. Wili says that she knew trying to pay off Alexis wouldn't work -- "Little Orphan Tranny" is lonely and needs a man. Oh, why didn't I think of "Little Orphan Tranny"? She really IS a genius. Bradford asks how he got along without Wili, and she says that they really are the perfect team and it seems like they're destined to be together. Bradford gets serious for a minute and says that what he and Wilhelmina have is wonderful, but he's going to tell her the same thing he told Fey -- he'll never divorce Claire. Wili arches her eyebrow but says of course, and that they're just having fun. Bradford then proposes actually having some fun. Wili asks if he took one of his pills, and Bradford says that she's so good, he doesn't think he'll ever have to take one again. He calls her his evil minx and pulls her to him while she looks at her watch.
Back in Queens, Hilda shows Betty the ring. Betty is so excited for her, and says that she's going to get every wedding issue of Mode, and Hilda can pick her favorite dress, and then they'll go to The Bride Queen and get a total knockoff. Hilda is down with that plan, and says that she'll want to show cleavage, per usual. Betty notes that she'll be late coming home because she's having dinner with Trina. She says that she called Trina up, and it's a good thing Trina went to prom, because she ended up marrying Sam Pappas. They make choke collars for dogs, and are very happy. But you know who's not so happy? Ignacio. He enters the kitchen looking glum. As well he should. He just talked to his new lawyer, and they're sending him back to Mexico. Well, at least he'll be able to get a good burrito.