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So, as you may remember from waaaaaay back when the last episode of Ugly Betty aired, Daniel has recommitted to his boozing and womanizing ways. Betty tries to get him back to being the responsible, creative fellow that he was for six whole months, and in the process tries to fend off Quincy Combs, a sleazy biographer who's doing an exposé on the Meade family with Daniel as his prime target. Alexis, however, has no problem blabbing to Quincy about how much she hates her father, and becomes quite interested when she finds out that Quincy has Fey's diaries, with the exception of the missing volumes from the last six months of her life. Quincy suspects that they might be found in Fey and Bradford's secret in-office "love nest," which Alexis is keen on finding. She eventually finds something in the diaries about how much her father cared about her, when she was a him, and softens a bit. And though the love nest is said by Amanda to be non-existent, it in fact is revealed to be behind a wall of shoes. Wilhelmina is also interested in Fey's diaries, but for another reason -- she wants the skinny on how to seduce Bradford, since her attempts so far have been futile. As it turns out, Bradford has quite the foot fetish. Let that visual burn into your brain for a while, and then let out an appropriate-sized "Ewwwwwwww." Wili gets her feet soft and supple and commands Bradford's attention by picking up a pencil with her toes. I'm not making this up. Meanwhile, what is meant to be a fun night out with Christina turns into a nightmare for Betty. She first inadvertently disses a fat guy, then steals a microphone from a DJ and embarrasses both herself and Daniel, then has Daniel tell her that she's not his babysitter and needs to clock out when they leave the office, and THEN finds out that Christina has been doing Wilhelmina's dirty work. And what is meant to be a fun night for Daniel also turns into a nightmare, as he inadvertently sleeps with a sixteen-year-old model whose mother is angling to get her on the cover of Mode. He makes a late-night call to Betty for help, and she's all, "Eff you, I'm off the clock." And what is meant to be a business-oriented night for Ignacio, who is supposed to meet his immigration lawyer at a dinner at Constance's house, also turns into a nightmare as she tries to force him into marrying her. But it's all because she's sad, so it's okay! And really, I'm just so happy to see that subplot end that I'll let it slide. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Ugly Betty: Ignacio accused Constance, his INS case worker, of stalking. In return, she put him under house arrest, which I've always found is the best way to prove to someone that you're totally not stalking them. Christina tried to resist becoming part of Wilhelmina's dastardly crew, but was told in no short order by the Wicked Witch herself not to try crossing her. Claire turned herself in for Fey's murder, and, even while detoxing, she resisted Wili's ploys to try to gain control of Mode. She did it all for her children, but at least one of them showed a distinct lack of appreciation. Daniel, having been bested by Alexis yet again, decided that he didn't even want control of the magazine, because he has a lot of partying to catch up on. This ought to end well.
We begin with Amanda doodling a rather remarkable, yet mean, likeness of Betty on her desk. Amanda says that she was just thinking about Betty, which Betty thinks is nice. Man, she should know better by now. After Betty leaves, Amanda says, "Wow, they're even bigger than I remember," and adds some girth to the eyebrows of doodle-Betty. Betty takes to her desk, where she has to field a lot of calls for an absent Daniel. Courtesy of a split screen, we see that while she tells someone that he's in a breakfast meeting, he's pouring wax on a woman's stomach. Right in the belly button, too! Maybe he's trying to make a votive. While a frantic Betty tells someone that Daniel is all tied up, we see that he is -- in leopard print restraints. Betty finally leaves a message for Daniel, telling him that Alexis is totally running the company and that he needs to get in the office. She ends by asking him to pick up if he's there, and finally saying, "I guess you're out." We see that he is, in fact, passed out. Boozing and hot sex will do that to you, or so I hear.
Meanwhile, a little Truman Capote lookalike in a red hat is poking around in Daniel's office. Betty comes in and asks if she can help him. The little man says that he's just looking around at the inner sanctum of the feckless prince, and adds, "As the empire dissolves, even the cushion on the bone-white chaise sags with defeat." Tough talk from Jowly McMarmaduke. Betty realizes that this man is Quincy Combs, who is writing a sleazy tell-all book about the Meades. Quincy responds, "Oh, it's a critic, too." I'm going to have to start referring to people as "it" to their faces more often. It packs a punch. Quincy begins to ask Betty about a blind item about a certain magazine editor found humping under the Peter Pan statue. Oh my God, Daniel has even gotten into Tinkerbell's Tinkerbell. Are there no limits to his madness? Betty quickly says that it wasn't Daniel in a manner indicating that it totally was. She then grabs Quincy's arm and forces him out, telling him that she bites, too. He says that Betty may be the beast who guards the gate, but that she shouldn't underestimate him -- he's taken down kings, presidents, the electric car. Daniel Meade does not stand a chance against him, Quincy says. Betty shouts at him to go, but looks worried.
Meanwhile, Christina is hemming a skirt for Wilhelmina. Wili tells her to go higher and higher again, and Christina says that if she goes any higher, she'll be giving Wili a pelvic exam. No, I'm sure Wilhelmina gets Marc to do that. Speaking of, Marc comes bouncing in and gives a "Reow!" upon seeing Wili, then says to fill his bucket with nothing but thighs. Wili tells him to relax, saying that they all know he prefers nuggets. Ha! I can't believe they can say "nuggets" on TV! Christina says that they've ruined chicken for her. That's nothing compared to how feet will be ruined for all of us in a mere 50 minutes. Marc tells Wili that Bradford won't be able to keep his hands off of her. In six months, she'll be running Meade Publications, and in a year she'll have taken over a small Latin American country. Which means...free butt lifts!
Marc notes an invite to Prague, a hot new club, on Christina's desk. He says that he would kill to go there, and asks how "C" got on the A-list. Wili says that when you're one of the top ten designers to watch, people in the city want to get to know you. Christina gives Marc a little slap, and Wili says that Christina has a hard time saying thank you. Christina replies, "Not when I mean it, no." Wili then tells McMartyr to listen up: she knew exactly what she was getting into, so she should spare the conscience and enjoy the spotlight because it can all go away in a snap of Wili's gnarled, secretly three-hundred-year-old fingers. And Wili has managed to keep herself from actually drinking Christina's blood for now, so Christina should be grateful for that, too.
Meanwhile, at the Suarez house, Constance removes Ignacio's ankle bracelet. She notes a small wound, and Ignacio says that he tried to wear the bracelet under his socks. This was Justin's idea, because it was ruining Ignacio's pantline. Ignacio sticks a leg outside and feels the touch of sweet freedom. Constance says that she was just doing her job, and Ignacio asks whether part of her job is to torture him. No, that's what she does for pleasure in her free time. Constance says that she thought he was a flight risk, and she was doing this for his own good. She always goes the extra mile to make sure her clients become U.S. citizens, she says. Ignacio asks when he's going to meet his lawyer, given that his court case is only a month away. Constance seems surprised that he hasn't heard from "Jerry," and says that she'll give Jerry a call to see if he can swing by her place later. At this, Hilda finally looks up from the life-size doll head she has been fondling. Ignacio also doesn't seem to think it's a good idea, and Constance asks if he doesn't trust her. She admits that she had a thing for him, but says that's over. As she leaves, she tells him to bring flowers to dinner. He looks kind of scared, and Constance says that it's a joke, and he must think he's the only chip in the bag. Constance herself is evidence that there are indeed many, many chips in the bag.
As Constance leaves, Justin says, "I LOVE her!" Hilda walks over to Ignacio and says there's no way he's going to Constance's house. Ignacio says he needs to meet his lawyer. Hilda thinks that it would be better to do so in an office, with fluorescent lights and witnesses. Presumably because once Constance sees Ignacio under the harsh glare of the fluorescents and has a few other people confirm for her that he's really not worth getting all stalker-ish about, she really will be over him for good. But Ignacio doesn't want to make waves when he's so close to getting his green card. He tells Hilda that he can handle his own affairs. Hilda looks doubtful.
Meanwhile, back at Mode, Daniel finally strolls into the office at 2:00 wearing an open purple shirt with a leather jacket over it. He looks like an Easter egg and probably smells like one too. He asks if he has any messages, and Betty relays one from Becks, congratulating Daniel on getting into Tabitha's "gift bag." Let's hope that it's the gift that keeps on giving semi-annual outbreaks. Betty asks if Daniel has seen Page Six, and he notes that he thought it was just some creepy kid watching him at the Peter Pan statue. She tells him that people are following him, and that earlier, Quincy Combs was snooping around in his office. Daniel thinks that Quincy Combs is a rapper, but Betty tells him that Quincy is the celebrity trasher who has written books on Kathie Lee, Coby, and Whoopi. Daniel asks what Whoopi's done, and Betty says that the book's not out yet, but apparently it's shocking. Betty says that the Meades are , and that Quincy wants to destroy their family. Daniel sarcastically says, "A little late for that, huh?" Oh, boo hoo, the sad prince cries as he lies on his silk-lined chaise.
Betty sprays some Binaca in Daniel's mouth and removes a pink G-string from his waist with a pencil, telling him that if Quincy learns how out of control he's gotten, Daniel will be the first five chapters of the book. He's all, "Wah-wah, the life of a dilettante," and Betty tells him that things are different now, because he's earned some respect. Daniel tells Betty that she worries too much, and she says that somebody has to. He thinks that Alexis is running everything just fine, but Betty is upset that he's going to sit back and hand everything over to her. She says that he's worked so hard in the last six months. Oooh, six whole months of hard work! Has anyone before had such a triumph of the will? Daniel says that it was all taken away from him in a minute. And he wouldn't want to have to work hard for six MORE months, would he? It would be too much for the fragile human spirit to take! Daniel angrily says that he's being exactly the way that his family expects him to be. Well, they wouldn't expect him to be that way if he hadn't already been that way for so long. I mean, right? He unconvincingly says that he's having a blast, and that boozing and womanizing is something he's actually good at. I'd grant him "proficient," but I don't know if I'd score him at "good." Betty tells him that he has some models coming in at 4:00. Daniel confirms that they're "girl models" and gets excited. Betty glares at him and leaves his office.
Meanwhile, Amanda is hazing Nick, Alexis's new assistant, whom she insists on calling "Dick." When he leaves, she asks Marc why nobody told her that Alexis needed a new assistant, noting that she left Daniel's desk because she thought she had a shot at moving up. She wants a career that she can be proud of, and a door that she can close when she's taking a nap. Marc says that it's not too late, and that Nick hasn't been around long enough for them to even figure out why they hate him. Amanda says that she knows why. He's a suck-up, and he won't sleep with her. Marc pipes in that Nick won't sleep with him either. He says that if Amanda wants Alexis to notice her, she needs to be there 24/7 and be willing to do demoralizing things for someone who's too lazy to do them herself. On cue, Wili walks by and Marc offers to lick her envelope. That is not a euphemism. Wili notices the "inky snake" Quincy Combs poking around the office, and asks how he got in the building. She thought there was a gag order against him. Marc says that there should be, and that he's gagging at anyone with Quincy's skin tone wearing that red hat. Amanda says that Alexis is meeting with Quincy, and Wili glares.
Cut to Alexis' office. She tells Quincy that if Bradford were drowning, she would pull up a lawn chair and watch. I would sail by on my party yacht, but to each her own. Quincy expresses surprise at her candor. Alexis says that Quincy is writing a trashy book, and she's dying to trash Bradford. Bradford told Alexis that she was dead to him and tormented Claire by flaunting his affair with Fey. Quincy says, "Flaunted? Fey's diaries made it sound so discreet." Alexis is shocked that Quincy has Fey's diaries, but Quincy says that he goes back a long way with her maid. Alexis asks if there's anything about Claire in them. Quincy says that Fey's writing about Claire was particularly venomous. Alexis wants to know if there's anything in the diaries that might help Claire's defense. Quincy says that he hasn't read anything that could spring Claire from the big house, but the diaries for the last six months of Fey's life are unaccounted for, so there might be something in there. Alexis says that she needs them, but Quincy replies that nobody knows where they are. However, he suspects that they might be in Fey's "secret room." Apparently, Bradford and Fey had daily secret trysts in the Mode office. Which, gross. Fey referred to the room as their "love dungeon." Which, grosser.
Meanwhile, Daniel is meeting with two models. Betty, who most likely thinks that it looks like things are going a little too well, barges into his office to remind him about a 5:00 circulation meeting. One of the models asks, in what sounds like a Russian accent, if there's something wrong with Daniel's circulation, and the other asks if he needs her to rub something. Ah, subtle Russian seduction at its finest! Daniel tells a perturbed Betty that Alexis can cover for him. We learn that the two models are sisters. The straight-haired model says that this is their first time in New York, and she told their mama that she'd look out for the curly-haired sister, who appears younger. The curly-haired one rolls her eyes and says, "Like I'm going to rip off my clothes and jump into a fountain." Daniel asks whether they have plans for the night, and the older sister says, "That depends on you." Models are hussies, man.
Meanwhile, Christina gives Betty a lecture about her limits regarding Daniel. Betty says that she can't just sit around and watch a friend fall apart. Christina wisely says that Daniel isn't a friend; he's her boss. Betty says that he's both, and Christina tells her not to cross that line, and to trust Christina that you shouldn't get in too deep with the folks at Mode, because everyone has a hidden agenda. Betty says that Daniel is only acting out to punish his family, and hasn't even changed his socks since Tuesday. If models didn't do so much cocaine all the time, they would be able to smell this, and thus avoid him. Christina says that , Betty will be packing Daniel's lunch for him, and Betty looks guilty and says that he can't drink like that on an empty stomach. I imagine Daniel's response upon opening that lunch is something about already having plenty of salami. Christina notes that ever since Henry got back with his girlfriend, Betty has been obsessed with Daniel. Betty denies it, but the only examples of a Meade-free night she can give are the date with her orthodontist and the night that Marc and his mother came over for dinner. Both, of course, ended up with her and a Meade. She realizes that Christina is right.
Betty asks what she should do, and Christina tells her that she can start by leaving the building at a decent hour. Christina holds up the Prague invite and asks Betty if she's ready for a night out in the city. Betty is, and promises Christina that she won't even think about Daniel or Mode for the rest of the night. She asks if she's dressed right for the club, and Christina says that she is if she's auditing it. This leads to a fun montage of Betty trying on outfits in the closet, all of which seem to be just as ugly as the one she was wearing to begin with. So she keeps it, and Christina pins on a non-matching fabric flower to accessorize, then gives her some pink heels. Is Christina secretly making fun of her? As they pass the reception desk, Amanda says, "Oh look. Scary Bradshaw and a side of potatoes." Christina tells Amanda that Betty wears the same shoe size that she does, and the two walk by. When they get to the elevator, Becks gets off with six bottles of champagne. He asks where the party is, and Betty tells him that Daniel is in a meeting. Becks says that when he gets there, it will be a party. Betty wants to go rescue Daniel from impending doom, but Christina, always a buzzkill to the diligent, stops her as we head to commercials.
When we return, Amanda is filing her nails at the reception desk. Nick comes by and asks where the menus are kept, and Amanda asks if it looks like she eats. It looks like she eats sawdust and rusty nails. Nick says that some people do eat, and also have to work late. He adds that she would understand if she did something besides put on lipstick. And draw cartoon doodles of those who have achieved less than genetic perfection. Amanda says that "some of us" need to powder our brown noses, and adds that she doesn't keep menus, but he can try the kitchen. Nick walks off looking just a little like Cro-Magnon Man. Cut to Alexis' office. Amanda enters with a handful of menus, noting that she thought Alexis might be hungry. Her nose is a cocoa-ish shade of amber. Alexis says that she thinks Nick is taking care of it, but Amanda says that he's in the kitchen making his own dinner, because he's always looking out for number one. I'm surprised Amanda doesn't put Rid-O-Rat with a box deceptively similar to that of the Skinny-N-Sweet right to the coffee maker.
Meanwhile, Christina and Betty have made it to Prague. Betty is impressed by the way the doormen pulled back the velvet rope when Christina gave her name, and wants Christina to enjoy her newfound fame. Christina clearly is not enjoying it, and when Betty asks why she can't have fun with it, Christina says that the Scottish are humble people. I guess that's why Braveheart didn't seem to mind so much when his hair got all crazy-looking. Christina is ready to get drinks, and a very tall, drunk woman stumbles over and slurs that they should try a dirty Girl Scout. If it approximates the taste of a slutty Samoa, I'm there. Christina goes off to hit the bar, and the tall drunk woman introduces herself as Lois. Her name was Lois, she was a... schlois.
Betty starts to confide in Lois about her job, and how she's at the point in her life when she needs to take more time for herself. We hear some sawing wood, and Betty notes the marvel that is Lois snoring with her eyes open. Lois's head then falls to Betty's shoulder. When Betty's phone rings, she kind of has to jig it up so that Lois is resting on her head. I love Lois! On the phone is someone from a limo service who says that he's supposed to pick up Daniel but can't find him. Betty says that she made a reservation for him at the Salt Mine, and the voice on the other end of the line is revealed to be none other than the irrepressible Quincy Combs! He cackles and Betty panics.
Meanwhile, Bradford orders Claire's lawyer to defend his wife without reducing her to a raving sociopath. As opposed to the mellow, often anesthetized sociopath she was previously. And speaking of sociopaths, short-skirted, cleavage-enhanced Wilhelmina enters his office with some sales reports. Sadly for her, Bradford is too perturbed to be entranced by her heaving bosom, even when she offers it for comfort. She says that things must be hard for him, as his children live only to embarrass him and his wife took away Mode, the most precious jewel in his crown. If Bradford were into her, this would be the perfect time for him to reply, "Not the MOST precious, if you know what I mean, pussycat." Wili and her boobs want Bradford to know that he's not alone. She slides a hand down his shoulder to emphasize the point. And Bradford? Pats her hand. Oh, the pat. We've all been there at some point, haven't we? Wili is seething.
Meanwhile, Amanda continues angling to get Nick's job. She barges into Alexis' office with a poster, saying that she didn't want her to have to wait for Nick to get off his personal call to get it. Turns out it's the blueprints for the Mode office. Sometimes a secret love dungeon is the best kind of buried treasure one could find.
Back at Prague, Betty is leaving a message for Daniel alerting him to Quincy's scheme. Christina catches her in the act, and Betty says that they didn't actually talk, and that she's glad to be out having fun, and woo-hoo! She notes that they even have free Jell-O, then downs a Jell-O shot, saying that they didn't have that flavor when she was a kid. Christina isn't mad, though, because she's just met two blokes at the bar, one of whom might be Betty's "Mr. Big." Indeed, "big" is the operative word. The guy's name is Ben, or as I'm sure he would be called hither and yon, "Big Ben." Christina tells Betty that Ben and his friend Kevin were setting up audio equipment at fashion week. I love how Christina always goes for the working man. Betty instantly asks them if they saw Christina's designs, and notes that New York magazine said that they were most impressive. Christina hushes her and grabs Kevin for a dance. Betty and Big Ben have awkward silence, then awkward small talk. Betty can't resist mentioning Daniel, who went to tennis camp in Big Ben's hometown, but then catches herself and says that she doesn't want to talk about him anymore. She suggests that she and Ben dance. Ben says he can't dance. I believe it. Betty says that they can both try. Yet another situation bound to end well.
Cut to the dance floor, where Ben is knocking people over left and right, on account of how damn big he is. Betty suggests finding a corner where they might have more space. Ben smiles and yells, "Yeah, me too!" as he continues to get his groove on. And then who should come in, whooping and giving piggyback rides, but Daniel, Becks, and the Russian sister models. Betty is so focused on making her way over to Daniel that she doesn't even make a comment about a woman on the dance floor sporting a giant beehive. When you don't even notice a giant beehive, your tunnel vision is becoming a problem.
Back in Queens, trouble is a-brewing, and it tastes like onion dip. Ignacio arrives at Constance's apartment, only to find that she's preparing dinner. He's surprised, but she says that her tank doesn't run on empty. Ignacio asks if Gary lives near her. Constance is all, "Who?" and Ignacio notes that he means Gary, his lawyer. Wait, wasn't his name Jerry? Constance says that Gary/Jerry is always running late, and she plops a big bread bowl full of Rohypnol-laced dip in front of him. She says that they don't need Gary/Jerry to start their party/meeting. Run, Ignacio, run!
Meanwhile, Wili is venting to Marc about the pat. Marc says that maybe it was foreplay, and Wili retorts, "In a nursing home!" True. Soon he might try seductively feeding her a spoonful of oatmeal. Wili asks if she's still got it, and Marc says she's totally hot, especially for a woman of her... He catches himself and goes for the save with "height." Wili asks how Fey got the old sack in the sack. Marc notes slyly that maybe something in Fey's diaries would help. Wili is instantly interested, and Marc tells her that Amanda overheard Nick talking about Alexis's meeting with Quincy Combs. And Fey kept diaries. Wili tells Nick to get "that fruity pebble" on the phone, because she needs to know what's in Fey's pages. Marc is so excited about this assignment that he walks right into a glass cabinet, just like a little gay bird. Wili quite mysteriously pops either a pill or a mint into her mouth -- seriously, what is that? -- as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty is making her way over to Daniel, who is enjoying a shot along with his sketchy friends. I bet they got blow jobs and then laughed about it like they were clever. Worst. Christina comes over with another round, courtesy of Kevin, then she gets an eyeful of Daniel. Betty in turn gets an earful of "Bloody Hell." Betty says that she just wants to tell Daniel one thing. Christina tells Betty that Daniel can take care of himself, but Betty says that Quincy Combs is looking for him. She points out Daniel chugging out of a liquor bottle with the aid of one of the models, and says that that this scene could be the cover of Quincy's book. Christina says that Betty is addicted -- if Daniel were crack, she'd sell her nephew for a bag of him. Betty is concerned, because no one likes being compared to a crack addict, especially if they already live in Queens.
Meanwhile, Wili has met Quincy Combs at some sketchy location. She tells him that she's looking for insight on what Fey did to keep her romance with Bradford alive for all those years. Quincy notes that Wili never returns his calls unless she wants something. She tells him that she didn't come empty-handed and pulls an envelope out of her jacket. He tells her that cash is crude, and she says that it's not cash -- it's photographs showing the eventual transformation of Alex Meade into Alexis. Quincy is all about the tranny-formation. Wili asks again what Fey did to turn Bradford on. Quincy says that from what he could gather, Fey kept her feet as soft as a baby's bottom -- daily pedicures, dead sea salts, paraffin treatments. Apparently her velvety instep rattled his cage. Quincy adds somewhat unnecessarily that Fey must have been quite facile, as she described feeding Bradford cherries... that she picked up with her toes. Kind of makes you think differently about cherry jam, doesn't it? Quincy is similarly impressed by the photos of Alexis, and I get the feeling that any minute, he's going to try playing the "Can you find the six things that are different?" Megatouch game with them.
Back at Constance's house, Ignacio is looking through her photo album of clients whom she's helped become citizens. There are apparently quite a few. Ignacio asks why she's never in any of the pictures, and she says that she's always the one holding the camera. Yeah, John Hinckley had the same excuse. IT DOES NOT MAKE HER ANY LESS CREEPY. Constance says that it's time for pork roast. Ignacio asks what about Jerry/Gary, and Constance says that Jerry/Gary isn't coming. He called before Ignacio got there, and isn't taking the case. Ignacio is upset, and Constance says that they knew it wasn't a slam dunk, but she is still committed to helping him become a U.S. Citizen. So much so, that she wants to make him her wife. Yeah, I know. In Atlantic City, no less! She says that she's booked the bridal suite at Bally's, and that the day, he'll be able to strut the boardwalk as a legal man! She offers him some wine to celebrate. Ignacio says that Constance can't be serious, and Constance offers, "Oh that's right, you've got that funky heart. I'll pour you some grape juice." Ignacio looks worried, but I think he should calm down. Near, far, or married to a crazy lady, that funky heart will go on.
Back at Prague, Betty dances distractedly with Big Ben. He twirls her and says that he's wanted to do that since he started watching Dancing with the Stars. She says that he can dip her like Leeza Gibbons. And he does! It would be really impressive if Betty removed her leg right about now. Ben wants to spin her, and asks if she can handle it. She asks, "Can you?" in an impressively flirty fashion. So he picks her up, and we get a Saturday Night Fever-esque spin perspective. Things are fine and dandy until Betty spots a red hat, and she assumes that Quincy has tracked down Daniel at the club. She freaks out and asks Ben to lift her again, then directs him so she can get a better look at the red hat. Ben finally puts her down and asks what's going on. He says that he thought she was different, but she's like every other girl in the city -- always scanning the room and looking for something better. And, I mean, maybe women are legitimately afraid that Ben's going to trip and land on top of them and crush them. Betty protests, but Ben is having none of it. He walks away, and Betty misses yet another chance at a quality one-night stand.
Meanwhile, back at Casa de Suarez, a man with a briefcase and trench coat has come to see Hilda. That screams INS, doesn't it? He says that Hilda's message was passed on to him, and he searched, but Ignacio is not in their system. Hilda says that he has to be, because his court date is in a month. The INS guy asks who scheduled it, and Hilda says that it was Constance Grady, his case worker. The INS guy kind of chuckles and says that he took over all of Constance's cases, and Ignacio was not on her list. Hilda asks why he would have taken over Constance's cases, and the guy says that somebody had to, since Constance was fired two months ago. Hilda is wide-eyed with disbelief -- but probably not that much disbelief, given that Constance has clearly been a whackjob from minute one -- as we head to commercials.
When we return, Constance's rump roast is ready, in more ways than one. Ignacio pleads with her to give him the lawyer's number, and Constance in turn angrily wields an electric knife. Ignacio's phone rings, and Constance looks annoyed. He answers it anyway. It's Hilda, telling him to get the eff out of there. She says that Constance was fired two months ago, and adds an emphatic, "Bitch crazy." Indeed. She tells Ignacio that Constance had a breakdown a few months ago and is unstable. She says that Ignacio shouldn't make any quick moves, but should rather politely excuse himself and get the hell out of there. Ignacio, looking to finally outwit the crazy lady, loudly tells Hilda to turn off the main water pipe and he'll call right back. Meanwhile, Constance's rump is ready to be eaten.
Back at Mode, Wilhelmina is rubbing her feet on some spiky balls. And not in a secret love dungeon kind of way. Marc comes in carrying a bucket, his hands sheathed in rubber gloves. He tells Wili that he believes in suffering for beauty, but that he doesn't know if he can watch this. Wili says, "Get a grip, Mary, we did an article on this two months ago! If housewives in Singapore can handle it, so can I." You may be thinking this involves something with a ping-pong ball, but that is actually not the case. In fact, the bucket contains a bunch of little fishes, who are going to nibble away at Wili's dead foot skin. Which... maybe I'm a freak, but I think that actually sounds kind of tickly and fun. And, er, environmentally sound. Marc does not agree, and asks if she can't just use a really strong loofah. Wili plops her feet amongst the fishes and says, "My, they're hungry." Marc in turn loses his lunch.
Meanwhile, Alexis is in Daniel's office searching for the secret love dungeon. Amanda catches her in the act, and Alexis says that she's just feeling the walls. The things that a high-pressure job will drive you to do. Amanda tells Alexis that Nick left, mentioning something about cheerleading finals on cable and cocaine. She says that she's there as long as Alexis needs her, and Alexis cuts her off with a curt, "I don't. Good night." Amanda finally bucks up and asks if Alexis ever even thought of hiring Amanda as her assistant, since everyone knows she wants to get a leg up at Mode. Alexis says that Amanda also had two legs up with Daniel, which is a problem. Amanda counters that that's ancient history, but Alexis sternly says that they just aren't a good fit. Amanda tells Alexis that it's too bad, because she knows Mode inside and out -- who stole what, who's sleeping with whom, etc. She even knew that Janie in Styles was pregnant before she did, and also knows that the baby isn't her husband's or her boyfriend's. Oh my God, it's totally Daniel's.
Alexis gets one of those little light bulbs above her head and asks if Amanda's ever heard of a secret room. Amanda says, "You mean the love dungeon?" She continues, saying that the love dungeon doesn't actually exist -- it was just Fey's way of saying that she was hung over and wanted to go home. Hey, can I get a love dungeon, too? Amanda says that if Alexis had hired her, she'd already know that. Alexis kindly says that maybe she made a mistake, and if anything happens to Nick, Amanda's in line. Amanda asks if this might include Nick falling down the stairs, and Alexis says that she was thinking that he might get married and move away, but she likes Amanda's ambition. She gives Amanda a shove and tells her to pick something out for herself from the closet. Or should I say...the clungeon.
Back at Prague, we have a red hat making its way through the crowd, Daniel with a model grinding on top of him, and Betty yelling his name really loudly. Daniel of course doesn't hear her over the sounds of throbbing techno music, or over the sounds of his throbbing nether regions. As the hat gets closer to Daniel, Betty panics and goes into crazy assistant mode. She grabs the DJ's microphone, stops the music, and says, "Daniel, this is Betty. If you hear me, Quincy Combs is in the house. Save yourself, go out the back door!" Daniel is all, "The hell?", along with everyone else in the club. And then, of course, it turns out that Quincy Combs isn't Quincy Combs at all, but merely a stylish woman wearing une belle chapeau. I would guess that Betty is feeling awfully stupid right about now.
Meanwhile, back in Queens, Ignacio is trying to exit Constance's place, saying that there's a flood in his basement and that they can do dinner later in the week. However, upon leaving, he discovers that, like any good stalker, Constance has locked her door. He asks her to open it, but she tells him that she doesn't like leftovers. Hey, lay off the 'tovers. They didn't do anything to your crazy ass. Constance also doesn't like being interrupted on her wedding night by Ignacio's ringing phone, so she confiscates it and puts it in her cleavage. Really, there's room for a whole booth in there. It might be a good way for her to earn income now that she's unemployed. She pulls out a vintage powder blue suit and tells Ignacio to try it on. Oh, man, not the powder blue suit! Why are crazy people always so '70s?
Back at Prague, Daniel reads Betty the riot boi act. He asks if she followed him there, and she says that she was having a perfectly good time before he got there, and even enjoyed a filthy Cub Scout. Daniel asks what she was thinking. She says that she was trying to help, and he replies that they're not at the office, and he doesn't need a chaperone or bodyguard or babysitter. Rather, he needs a babysitter's club to satisfy his twisted, out-of-control desires. He tells Betty that when they leave the building, her day is over, and crossly asks her to let him live his life. He emphatically tells her to punch out. Sadly, he does not mean to punch out the younger model sister, who comes in to lead him to the dance floor and gives Betty a glare. If only Daniel had really let Betty ruin his evening, things might have turned out all right in the end. Betty looks sad and embarrassed as we head to commercials.
We return to a shapely pair of legs leading down to strappy stiletto heels. Yes, it is Wilhelmina and her freshly nibbled feet. She enters Bradford's office under yet another flimsy pretense, then settles in a chair by the fire, saying that her feet are killing her. She slips off a shoe, and Bradford takes note. She asks if there's any chance of getting a drink, and Bradford can barely take his eyes off of her feet. It's quite possible that she's giving him a Basic Instinct flash, too, but I don't think he would notice given those ten supple toes spread out before him. Wili knocks a pencil off of the table and then proceeds to -- wait for it -- pick it up with her toes. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, it appears Bradford Meade is hooked.
Meanwhile, an imposing Alexis tells Quincy Combs that she doesn't like being played. She says that he gave her hope that she could find something to help Claire, but there is no love dungeon and, she's guessing, there are no diaries either. If only she knew about the feet. Though knowing your father has a foot fetish actually might be more psychologically damaging than having him wish you dead. She tells him to shove off, and Quincy pulls out some evidence: one of Fey's diaries. He reads an entry from September 2005, in which Fey notes that her afternoon delight has been taken over by Bradford talking about Alex, and how badly he feels for the way he treated his son. Quincy dismisses this as unimportant, but Alexis grabs the diary from him. It says that Alex took off for Europe, and Bradford wanted to follow him and beg him to come home. Alexis gets a funny look in her eye. I hope this doesn't lead to her walking into Bradford's office only to find Wilhelmina mixing a drink with her big toe.
Back in Queens, Ignacio and Constance are in their wedding gear. Ignacio finally gets really mad and tells Constance that they're not getting married, and that Constance doesn't even work for the INS anymore. He wants to go. Constance gets quiet in that way that crazy people do, and she says that he's going to be like all the rest of them. She helps him put his life together, she says, and holds his hand when he walks in to that big scary courthouse. She gets him to the finish line, and then she never hears from him again. Ignacio says that's not true, but Constance points to her book of over 200 clients past, and asks where they are now. I would guess that they're having a life, which is something that Constance should look into, pronto. Ignacio kindly says that all of the people in that book remember Constance and are grateful, but she can't expect them to come back and ask her to hold their hands. They need to move forward, and so does Constance.
This heartwarming display of talking a crazy person down is interrupted by Hilda banging on Constance's door. When she sees their wedding gear, she asks what the hell is going on. Ignacio says that they were just talking, but Hilda doesn't buy it. She tells Constance that she's in a lot of trouble. Ignacio, however, says that she isn't. He asks for his phone back, and Constance reaches into her cleavage and obliges. Ignacio then asks Hilda to take a picture of the two of them. Hilda thinks it's weird, but she does it nonetheless. Aw, such a sweet scene! You know what would be even sweeter? Getting the woman some f'ing help. She's going to be sitting in her living room wearing that wedding dress three weeks from now, with little pork bits all over her. It isn't right.
Meanwhile, Betty and Christina are leaving Prague. Betty says that she wishes that she were more like Christina, and just stayed out of the drama. She notes that it's brought Christina great rewards. Christina looks dour and says that nothing comes up right. Betty asks Christina what's going on with her, and why she gets so weird when anyone praises her. Christina says it's because she doesn't deserve it. She finally confesses to Betty that she got into fashion week because she made a deal with Wilhelmina, whom she now supplies with certain favors and information. Betty gets a funny look and asks what kind of information, and Christina says it's everything from gossip to who's loyal and who isn't to information that helped put Daniel's father and mother behind bars. Betty doesn't understand why Christina would help Wilhelmina, and Christina explains that she wanted people to see her designs and to move closer to her dream. She says that Betty would do the same thing, and Betty angrily replies that she wouldn't, and would never hurt Christina to get what she wants. Christina says that she didn't do it to hurt Betty, but Betty is having none of it. She says that Christina is right -- Mode isn't the place to look for friends. Betty needs to sing a sad song just to turn it around right away, because she has had a really, really bad day. Commercials.
When we return, Amanda is gleefully raiding the closet. She spies a pair of amazing heels on the very top of the shoe rack, and has to climb up the shelves to get to it. In doing so, she grabs onto a hook, and it moves a little. She exits just before the middle set of shelves turns in a Clue-like fashion to reveal -- I don't know, perhaps a love dungeon? A moment later, the shelves return to normal. Dunh-dunh-duuuuuunnnnnh!}
Meanwhile, Bradford and Wilhelmina have created a not-so-secret love dungeon of their own in Bradford's office, and are basking in the glow of post-pedi-coital bliss. He asks if she's planning on working late again during the week, and Wilhelmina says her schedule is wide open. And that's not the only thing of Wili's that's wide open, believe you me. As Bradford admires her feet, a call comes in on his phone. Wili sees that it's Alexis and puts it through to voice mail, thus preventing us from witnessing a touching reunion set to Cat Stevens's "Father and Son." On her end, Alexis gently asks Bradford to give her a call, and even calls him "Dad." Man, no one in this family can catch a break.
And speaking of...as Daniel is enjoying some post-coital bliss of his own with the younger model, there is a knock on the door. It's her older sister. Daniel asks where Becks is, and the older sister says that she thought it would be more fun to end the night there. She plops down on the bed, and Daniel offers her more champagne. She declines, and then she asks if Daniel is going to give Petra, the younger sister, the May cover or the June. Daniel asks what she's talking about, and the older model -- let's call her Natasha -- says that she'd prefer May so they have a shot of doing Harper's Bazaar in July. Daniel sarcastically asks if Natasha is Petra's manager, too. Natasha then drops this bomb: "I'm her mother." And Petra, as it turns out, is a month shy of seventeen. So, Natasha says, Daniel gives her the cover, or he's in a lot of trouble. Eh, everything seemed to work out okay for R. Kelly. Petra and Natasha stand together and give Daniel a seductive look. Well, as seductive a look as scheming pinko commies are able to give. Daniel is pretty much crapping his pants.
Back at the Suarez house, Ignacio is filling Betty in on the Constance drama. Betty asks why he didn't let Hilda call the police, and Ignacio says that he thinks she's been punished enough. He asks about Betty's night, and Betty gets quiet, finally saying that it was just a long day. Ignacio is all, "Hey, at least you weren't kidnapped and force-fed rump roast." An upset Betty says that sometimes people can surprise you. Ignacio says that this is true, but it's not always bad. Like when you mean to go to Yankee Stadium, but end up at a Mets game instead. Or when someone asks you to watch their cats when they're on vacation, and you find their porn collection. Betty says that maybe the two of them are too trusting, and Ignacio says that that's not a bad thing either.
The phone rings, and Ignacio answers. It is Daniel. He asks if Betty is there, saying that he's been trying to call her on her cell phone but it's gone straight to voice mail. Ignacio asks Betty if she wants to talk to Daniel, and says that it sounds like he's in trouble. Betty stands up like she's going to take the call, but after a moment of thought, she says to tell Daniel that she'll see him in the morning -- she's punched out. BAD-ASS! Seriously, good for her. And really, I don't know how telling anybody in the middle of the night that you've committed statutory rape is really going to help things much anyway. Fin!