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Bradford is out of prison and boy, is he mad at Alexis. He does the whole tranny-hating (and "you put me in prison"-hating) thing, and it seems like she's about to be ousted from Mode. However, it turns out that Claire, who's detoxing en route to prison, actually owns Mode, and so names Daniel and Alexis co-editors-in-chief. Daniel plays the good guy and offers Alexis 50% control and side-by-side letters from the editors. She plays along, but schemes to undermine him and take control of the issue. Wili continues to puppetmaster her way through the sibling rivalry, and even gives up her office so that Alexis has a space befitting her position. She then pays a visit to Claire in the hospital, and offers a bottle of vodka in exchange for power of attorney, which would mean that Wili runs Mode. And see, that's really plain old evil, and not funny-evil like the usual. Claire tells her to shove off. Meanwhile, Marc's mother (Patti Lupone!!!) is in town, and she's unaware of some key facts about his life. He thus, via some machinations from a "spurned" Amanda, enlists Betty's help to pose as his girlfriend. Marc, his mom, and her show cat travel to Queens for dinner with the Suarezes. The whole thing is complicated by the fact that Ignacio is under house arrest. Over the course of the evening, Marc ends up spilling the fact that Alexis's sabotaged issue of Mode, including a letter from the editor indicting Bradford, is en route to the printer, and Betty and Daniel take off to try to beat her there. Once they're gone, Marc, offended by his mother's unkind words about Betty and her family -- and particularly the "swishy" Justin -- finally comes out, only to be rejected by her. Meanwhile, Alexis's issue goes to press and Daniel recommits to his partying ways and crumples up his letter from the editor, which talked of how glad he was to have Alexis back. Amidst all of this chaos and her failed attempt to get control of Mode through Claire, Wili moves on to plan V (for vomit) -- seducing Bradford. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Ugly Betty: Mark's first impression of Betty was that she was a monster. Psycho INS worker Constance put Ignacio under house arrest via an ankle collar. Henry and Betty went from being "faux-friends who really want to do it with each other despite the presence of a mousy girlfriend from Arizona" to "two people who work in the same building." Claire wanted her family to come together, while Alexis told Daniel that Bradford said he would rather see her dead than as a woman. And, finally, Claire turned herself in for the murder of Fey Sommers. Are these people not exhausted?
We enter on a news standup outside of Meade Publications. It turns out that Bradford is expected to return to work after being released from prison. And, I mean...take a day off! You were just in jail, man. Go to the beach, or at least sleep in and then enjoy a bowl of Special K and a nice, entertaining episode of The View. It's called a "mental health day." In any case, all charges against Bradford were dropped after Claire turned herself in. The reporter says that he's going to get reactions from some of Meade's employees. He tries to get Betty, who rushes past him and straight into the bus stop shelter like a bird into a sliding glass door. Heh.
Cut to Justin, who is rewinding this scene over and over and laughing. Betty has to yell at Hilda -- who is snickering despite the fact that she's doing the hair of a giant Barbie head on top of the kitchen table -- so that she will yell at Justin. Justin apologizes, but says it gets funnier every time. That is so true. When I was in high school, we did Peter Pan for the musical my senior year, and Peter herself flew right into the scenery on the side of the stage. And all of it was caught on tape! It was awesome, and rewinding it and watching it over and over has become a staple of drunken get-togethers ever since. There's something about the particular magic of seeing it backward and forward that gets me every time. Hilda yells at Justin to go get ready for school, and he literally flits off. I didn't know that was actually possible. Hilda asks Betty how she's doing. Betty says that, since Claire's arrest, she's felt guilty. She says that she was the one who talked Claire into turning herself in. Hilda says that this isn't true, and that Claire did what she felt she had to do. As for the rest of the Meade family: Daniel and Alexis aren't speaking, Alexis and Bradford aren't speaking, and Claire is in the hospital detoxing before she can be arraigned. Hilda says that this should make Betty appreciate being part of a nice normal family. Just then, an alarm sounds. Hilda yells, "Papi! What part of 'house arrest' don't you understand?" Ignacio says that he just went out two feet to get the paper. Constance wouldn't even give him the stoop? That's cruel, man. Speaking of Constance, she calls. Ignacio tells her that he just stepped outside and that he's back in now, and she turns off the alarm. I feel like the National Association of INS Agents should make a big stink about their portrayal as horny, power-abusing nutbags. Betty says that it's only four weeks until Ignacio's hearing, but Ignacio says that he's already going stir-crazy. He misses the feel of rain and the smell of freshly mowed grass. Hilda reminds him that they live in Jackson Heights, where the grass smells like fried onions. Add wind that blows with the aroma of barbecue sauce and you've just sold me some real estate.
Alexis, on her cell phone, walks into her dark office. Suddenly, the lights go on, startling her. Bradford is sitting in her chair, and says that he waited an hour and a half to do that. Something tells me this is not going to go well. Alexis says that she wanted to get her things, but will come back later. Bradford tells her to stay, because they still haven't had their beautiful father-son reconciliation. He says that the last time they saw each other, things were so rushed, what with Alexis having him arrested and all. I know he's a tranny-hating bastard, but he does have a point. He walks around Alexis and looks at her, noting that this was the life she wanted so badly. She says that, actually, the life she wanted featured him behind bars. Bradford counters that in the life he wanted, Alexis was still a man. Alexis gets teary. Bradford holds a rock that Alex decoratively painted when he was six. After Alex disappeared, Bradford would hold it to remind him of the son he lost. Now it reminds him of the son he wishes he never had. He throws it in the garbage. That's harsh, man. Bradford says, "You and I...we're finished." Alexis replies that they were finished a long time ago, and stomps out of his office. And really, this is nothing that an appearance on Dr. Phil wouldn't fix.
And now, on to lighter subjects! Or so we think. Amanda tells Marc that she's scored tickets to the opening of the new Prada store, featuring DJ Steve Aoki. With, one can only hope, special guest Lindsay Lohan. Marc says that he has plans. His mother is in town for one of her "stupid cat shows," which Marc thinks is disgusting. Why so down on the pussy, Marc? Amanda says that she'll skip Prada, and that his girlfriend is reporting for duty. She asks where they're going to dinner, and Marc sadly says that Amanda isn't coming. Amanda reminds him that, to his mother, she's the love of Marc's life. Marc says that she's officially released from beard duty, and to consider herself shaved. Amanda asks if Marc actually told his mother that he's gay. He says no, but that after telling his mother for two years that he and Amanda were dating, she started pressuring him to "buy the cow." Amanda asks if he's saying that it's over, and that she's fat. Or that Marc needs milk for strong bones? Marc says that it's not her, it's him. Amanda looks really offended. Sometimes fake breakups can be just as hard as real ones. Amanda stomps off, saying that she's the best fake girlfriend he'll ever have. He yells after her that they'll always have that fake pregnancy scare, and she says quite loudly that it was a real scare; it just wasn't his. This causes stares from some co-workers. They should be used to this sort of thing by now.
Meanwhile, Bradford visits Claire in the hospital. She says that she's had better Mondays and, nodding toward the handcuffs that are keeping her locked to the bed, better jewelry. She says that the shakes haven't started yet, but that the sweating and the nightmares are a delight. And, she adds, they say that she'll be moved to the prison by the end of the week. She's scared. Bradford says that he's there for her. She replies that she hopes he's still there for her after...but before she can finish, Daniel walks in. He mentions something about an insanity plea, but Claire says that's not why she called him there. She tells Daniel that Bradford fired Alexis today. Bradford says that he DID fire Alexis, and Claire tells him that he can't. She says that Alexis is Bradford's child and Daniel's sister. Claire is probably going away for a long time, and she wants them all to be a family. Oh my God, she's going to send them on a soul-searching road trip! To the desert! In an old VW bus! With some sassy yet wise drag queens in tow! Think of the hijinx! Actually, that's not what she's going to do at all, even though it is the awesomest solution ever. Daniel says that "Alex" doesn't want to be part of their family, and Claire says that of course "ALEXIS" doesn't, because they keep pushing her away. And that's why Claire has convinced Alexis to help Daniel run Mode. Bradford tells Claire not to be ridiculous, and says that he decides who works for his companies, and that he owns Mode. Claire says quite calmly that, actually, Bradford owns Meade Publications, but apparently he's forgotten that she owns Mode. D'oh! Can I just take this moment to say that, even though she's a murdering drunkard, Claire totally rules.
Cut to Mode offices. Betty asks since when has Claire owned the magazine, and Daniel explains that it all happened when Bradford needed a tax shelter and put it in her name. I love when scheming things that rich people do are used against them. Now, Claire is insisting that Daniel and Alexis be co-editors-in-chief, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Betty says that maybe this isn't such a bad thing -- Daniel and Alexis can start bonding again, and Daniel only has to do half the work. When you put it that way, I really wish I had a transsexual sibling who came back from the dead. Daniel says that there's no half with Alex -- she always has to win. To wit, we flash back to Daniel and man-Alex on one of their morning jogs. Daniel says that it would all be great until the end, when Alex would pull ahead, just to prove that he could. Betty says that Daniel has done a great job running Mode, and that she knows he can win the race tortoise-and-hare-style. Daniel says that Betty can cross "pep talk" off her list today, and she cheerily promises that there will be more.
Cut to Wilhelmina meeting with Daniel and Alexis and getting filled in. She notes that everyone in the room seems to be an editor-in-chief except her. Marc adds that he's not either, but this doesn't seem to make Wilhelmina feel any better. Daniel says that Wili will continue to be creative director, and that he'll continue to write the letter from the editor and have final say on the book. Alexis and Daniel go into their "Awww, look at the little big man/nice of you to come back from the dead" shtick. Alexis says that Daniel can run the whole thing, because she doesn't want anything to do with him, Bradford, or Mode. Daniel says that that's not what Alexis told Claire. Alexis tells him to get off it, and that she's done. He can run his little magazine, but she has much bigger dreams. He asks, "Like what?" and I desperately want her to say that she's auditioning for America's Top Model. Instead, Daniel meanly cracks about her dream of a uterus, and Alexis notes that he can say it, but can he spell it? And then I desperately want Daniel to write in a crooked hand, "Y-O-U-T-A-R-O-U-S."
When Daniel leaves, Wili struts around the side of her desk and tells Alexis that they really did take her balls away with the operation. She says that Alexis is giving Bradford exactly what he wants. Alexis says that Bradford won, and that the game's over. Wili says that's not necessarily true. Bradford doesn't want Alexis anywhere near the magazine, so Wili suggests that Alexis splash herself all over it. Then, Bradford would die of shame. Alexis sadly says that he wouldn't die, but gets a glimmer of hope when she thinks of the possibility of a stroke. Wili tells Alexis to make Mode her own -- she approves the book, she writes the letter from the editor, she shows Bradford and the industry who's in charge. Alexis asks if Wili means that she should take the magazine away from Daniel. Wili asks if she cares, and Alexis says that she really doesn't. Then, much to Marc's chagrin and shock, Wili offers up her office as a sacrifice to the altar of scheming.
Cut to Marc unpacking boxes in Wili's new office and complaining about the fluorescent lighting. Wili says, "Patience, Blanche, it's only temporary." The minute Daniel sees Alexis as a real threat, he and Alexis will be at each other's throats, and Wili will have any office she wants. Marc is relieved that Wili has a new plan, adding, "We shall overcome, girlfriend!" Wili says, "You did not just say that." Heh. Just in time, Marc's phone rings. He gets a look of panic because his mother is in the building!
Cut to a close-up of a fluffy white cat being escorted through the Mode hallways in a pink carrier. It is set in front of Amanda, who hisses at it. The cat is moved, and its owner is revealed to be Miss Patti Lupone! Who is, of course, playing Marc's mother. God, it must have been a handful raising Marc AND Corky. I say let the woman enjoy her cat shows. Amanda gives a cheerful hello to "Mama Wiener." Heh. Mrs. Wiener gets a serious look and says that, since Amanda broke Marc's heart with her "indiscretions," she needs to drop the "Mama." Turns out that these "indiscretions" included both other men and women, and that Marc says Amanda's working on that one day at a time. Amanda is not pleased. Just then, Marc comes running down the hallway, and he and his mother air-kiss. He says that he thought his mother was going to the cat show, and that they would meet for dinner afterward. Mrs. Wiener says that she had a "cat-astrophe." Oh, dear. Lady Buttons of Camelot (the cat) lost a jewel on her collar, which is a ten-point penalty for appearance. She asks if someone at Mode can fix it. Marc hands it to Amanda, who says that she's happy to help, but that she hopes her drug and sex addictions don't get in the way. Eh, if my experience is worth anything, they've at least never really gotten in the way of sewing on a button. Marc suggests that his mom go get some food in the cafeteria, and that he'll bring the collar to her. Amanda tells them to wait, and asks Marc if he doesn't want to introduce his mom to his new lady love -- the woman in whose bosom he found comfort after dating a skank like Amanda. Marc's mother asks, in a pleased tone, if he's dating someone new, and Amanda grabs poor passerby Betty, announcing, "This is Marc's girlfriend, Betty." Betty laughs and tells Amanda that that's a good one. Marc looks panicked, and his mother asks what's so funny. Betty says, "Well, you know! 'Cause Marc's..." But before she can continue Marc plants a big-ass kiss on her. Amanda gags, and Betty looks both troubled and confused as we head to commercials.
When we return, Marc is washing out his mouth with soap. Betty asks with wonderment if he hasn't told his mom that he's gay. She thinks that it would be kind of obvious, given that Marc's so "sparkly." Marc says that his mother visits twice a year and sees what she wants to see. He tells Betty that he needs her help, which is delightful to her, given that he's tortured her since she started at Mode. She brings up the time on her second day of work when he tricked her into eating glue by saying it was white chocolate, and gives him a big fat "NO!" He says that he only let her eat two pieces, and then commences begging by saying that it would really mean a lot to his mother.
Cut to Marc's mother, stroking the pussy. She says that Lady Buttons stands a good chance in the show, since she's having a really good fur day. Amanda tells Mrs. Wiener that since she's not dating Marc anymore, she doesn't have to listen to the "cat chat." Mrs. Wiener says, "Marc's right. You ARE cranky when you don't get your fix." Betty's phone, which was left on the reception desk, goes off. You know it's her phone because it plays "La Cucaracha." If cell phones had accompanying scents, Betty's would reek of refried beans. Amanda opens it and sees that it's Ignacio. She tells Mrs. Wiener that she should talk to him, and that Betty hasn't even found the time to tell her dad that she's dating Marc. Mrs. Wiener -- whose first name is Jean -- grabs the phone and introduces herself aggressively.
Cut to Marc, still trying to convince Betty to be his beard. She's not having it, so Marc grabs her and says that if she helps him out, he'll give her information that will help save Daniel's job. Betty is intrigued, but Marc refuses to give her any information until she goes along with his scheme. Amanda comes up to them and asks how the happy couple is. Marc replies, "Laugh, clown, laugh!," and then threatens to show everyone Amanda's "modeling" photos. Amanda tells him that he's not going to have time to do anything, because Mrs. Wiener talked to Ignacio, and they're all having dinner tonight at the Casa de Suarez. Betty says that Marc's information had better be good, because he's ruining Meatloaf Night, which is presumably the night when they act out "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." I think Marc would do the opposite of ruin that particular night.
We flash to Betty in Daniel's office, telling him that Alexis wants him out and is planning to take over the company. Daniel asks why Marc would give Betty this information, given his history of making her eat glue, and she explains that that was all before their love affair.
Daniel bursts into Alexis's office, where Nick Pepper, Alexis's new assistant, greets him gushingly. Nick says that he's been following Daniel's career since he graduated from Cornell, and wants to be Daniel in five years. Daniel tells him to buy more expensive ties and sleep with a few models, and he'll be halfway there. Nick Pepper gives a big "Yes!" He seems like a real douche.
Daniel walks in to see Alexis and notes that, with a new office and new assistant, she doesn't seem like she wants nothing to do with Mode. Alexis says that she can't bear to lie to Claire anymore, so if she and Daniel working together makes their mom happy, she'll do it. She says that she'll even follow Daniel's lead. Daniel says that Alexis isn't fooling him, and that he's not the kid brother she used to push around. She says that, given the cleavage, she's not his big brother anymore. Besides, she adds, it's not about them; it's about Claire. Daniel says that if he agrees, he wouldn't be working for Alexis. She says that she knows, and that it will be 50/50. She asks what she can do. Daniel says that the issue is almost put to bed, but that he hasn't written the letter from the editor yet. He suggests that they each write one, and that they'll be printed side by side. He needs 400 words by morning, and they'll take it to the press by noon. He leaves, and Alexis calls Nick in. She tells him to cancel his paintball game, or whatever he does after work. (Nickelback concert?) They have a lot of work to do if they're going to get 400 words to the printer by midnight. Nick says that Daniel said that it was due by noon, and Alexis says that Daniel also thought they'd be sharing control of the magazine 50/50. She says that there's her issue, and then there's Daniel's, and Daniel's is never going to see the light of day. Nick thinks that double-crossing is hott. Commercials.
When we return, Marc rushes to Betty and says that if they're going to have dinner with his mother, they'll have to know everything about one another so as to make a convincing couple. Didn't this happen once on The Nanny? Or was Fran Drescher not actually from another country? Marc guesses that Betty is from the Philippines, and Betty corrects him by saying she's from Queens. He says that they both end in "eens." Maybe he'll guess that she was born in the dressing room of Filene's. He then says that the story of their meeting is that he bet his friends he could turn Betty from an ugly ducking into a beautiful swan. Betty says that that's the plot of She's All That, and Marc says that in that movie the girl actually became beautiful, while in this case, he fell in love with her because of the "inner beauty crap." The two go through flashcards of facts about each other. Marc asks who his favorite boy band is, and Betty correctly guesses N'Sync. He asks what his favorite musical is, and she once again knows that it's High School Musical. Finally, Marc asks where he gets his Mystic Tan, and Betty knows it's Sunset Tan on 48th. Betty asks if these are the questions that will convince his mother that he's straight, and he says, "Uh, straight guys Mystic Tan -- hello, Tom Cruise!" Ah, Tom Cruise -- Marc and Betty's stiffest competition on The Newlybeard Game. Now it's time for the Betty questions. She asks who Justin is, and Marc has to pass. Betty says that he's her nephew, whom Marc has met. Marc says that he'll never remember that. The question is Betty's age, and Marc guesses thirty-two. She is actually twenty-two, and offended. she asks him what her favorite flowers are. We hear a voice say, "Pink gerbera daisies." It's Henry, who knows this fact because they are soulmates. The two have an awkward moment, where Henry asks Betty how she is, and Betty asks him how Charlie is. Marc pulls her attention back to the quiz, and she asks what her favorite kind of pizza is. He guesses goat cheese and capers, but Henry knows that the correct answer is pepperoni and mushroom. Mmm, I want pizza. Marc says, "Whose girlfriend is she?" Well, certainly not Henry's! Marc tells Henry to beat it. Betty asks Marc who her favorite Disney princess is, and he answers "Mulan." Henry walks away and mumbles that it's Cinderella, because her mother always read that to her before bed. Oh, dump the doormat and get yourself a nice little jalapeño, Henry.
Cut to Alexis's office, where a mad kind of photo shoot is going on. She has a wind machine and a pink blazer and is crawling on her desk. Daniel doesn't stand a chance, man. She thinks they got the shot, and tells her crew to print up the proofs and get them to Graphics, because there's a midnight deadline. Wili enters and says that it looks like Alexis is enjoying her role. She sarcastically says that she loves what Alexis did with the office, which is now pink-hued, and adds that she read her letter from the editor, which is a scathing indictment of Bradford. Alexis says that Wili's looking at the cover, and asks if she thinks Bradford will like it. Wili answers that Bradford is a breast man; she just doesn't know if he'll like them on his son. I am so grossed out that Wili knows Bradford is a breast man. I hope she's talking about chicken. Wili asks if it's safe to assume that Daniel doesn't know about this. Well, not unless he and Bradford had a father/son bonding "breast man/ass man" conversation. Alexis says that he's clueless and will have no idea what's happening until the issue hits the stands. This cues a guilty look from Marc. Alexis runs off excitedly, and Wili notes that it's scary how easy this is. Marc says that she's evil, and that he's so going as her for Halloween. Hey, me too! Unless I have to try to seduce an old guy. Oops, spoiler.
Meanwhile, Daniel is in his office looking at some magazine stuff. Betty comes in and says that she read his letter to the editor. She tentatively says that it's good, but notes with some dismay that it's about shoes. Daniel says that Mode is a fashion magazine. Betty says that's true, but that with all that's going on with the Meade family, people are going to be looking to the letter from the editor as Daniel's public statement. She thinks he should write something more personal. Daniel says that he can't. Betty asks if it's too painful, and Daniel says that he literally doesn't know how to write a letter like that. Betty says that she reads Daniel's letters every month: they're funny and smart, and part of what makes him such an amazing editor. And...it turns out Daniel doesn't actually write those letters. Someone named Jeremy from Features "kind of writes them," and Daniel just signs his name. He says that he's not a writer, and is barely an editor. He is, however, a tool. I mean, seriously. Betty gives him yet another pep talk, telling him to write from the heart. She asks if he really wants his letter to be about how the pilgrim buckle is back. He says that it is, but this is, of course, not her point. She hands him a blank notebook, crumples up his old letter, and tells him he can do this. I half expect him to sit at home voting for Sanjaya all night instead.
Cut to Casa de Suarez, where the doorbell is ringing. Betty takes a deep breath, opens the door, and welcomes Marc -- who calls her his "little enchilada" -- and his mom. He actually brought her a cactus in a donkey planter. Mrs. Wiener has the cat with her. Betty asks how she did in the show, and Mrs. Wiener says that the cat came in last place, and has been demoted to "just Buttons." There are introductions to Ignacio, and Jean says that she loves how their home is so "festivo." Hilda comes running down, yelling about how Marc and Betty are two crazy kids, so in love. She says that she wouldn't miss this for the world. I wouldn't either! It's like Guess Who's Flaming To Dinner. Commercials.
We return to a silent, awkward dinner, which means that there is much audible chewing. And there are few things I hate more than audible chewing. It makes me want to throw up and stab a fork in someone's eye. Jean feeds some of her meatloaf to the cat. Marc finally breaks the silence by asking his "taquito" if she remembers the time they went upstate to look at the leaves. Betty says that they listened to N'Sync the whole way up, and that's Marc's favorite boy band, and she knows that because she's his "boyfriend." Hee! Betty asks Mrs. Wiener how she got into cat shows, which is a mistake. The tale involves a hairless sphinx named Mr. Meowington. For the talent portion of his first show, he flushed a toilet. Hilda glares at Ignacio and notes that even a cat can do it. Jean says that Betty reminds him of Marc's old "roommate," Chuck. She asks Marc if he ever sees Chuck, and Marc gets emotional and says that he doesn't want to talk about him, and that they just lost touch. Jean says that Chuck was so handsome, and that he and Marc were so close. Marc quickly says that they weren't that close, and were just poker buddies. Hilda guesses that they played a lot of hold 'em. And queens were wild. There is some more pretense before Betty asks her "treasure" if she can see him in her room. Ignacio tells them to keep the door open, and everyone chuckles awkwardly.
The two faux lovebirds enter Betty's room; Marc notes, "This is where the tragic happens." Mean! Betty says that they can't continue the ruse, and that she keeps waiting for Mr. Roper to show up. Marc says that he helped Betty with Daniel, and that a deal's a deal. Betty says that Marc's a grown man, and that he should tell Jean the truth; she might surprise him. Marc points to the case of Lady Buttons. He refuses to come clean and says that he's her favorite child, and can't disappoint her. Betty looks disappointed herself, and Marc sadly asks how you can tell someone after ten years that none of it's been real? He says that if he tells his mother the truth now, then they've got nothing. Oh, hitting a chord! Hitting a chord! Coming-out episodes always make me cry. Betty asks what they have now -- two visits a year and Christmas? She says that's not a relationship. Marc says that it's too late, and Betty says that it's not. She says that Marc still has a mother, and still has a chance to make her a part of his life, and asks if he knows what she would give for that. Oh my God, double sad! Can't someone make a butt lift joke now? It's too much for me to take! Marc says that his family isn't Betty's family, so she needs to turn her moustache upside down and go back downstairs, and then he'll be out of there.
As Betty and Marc head down the stairs, they run into Justin. Marc asks Betty what her son is doing there. Hilda says that Justin was supposed to be having dinner with his father, but that she's had a little chat with him, and he's on board. Justin queens that Santos tried to take him out for fast food, and notes that chicken nuggets are fifteen points, and it's almost bathing suit season. Ah, I see where this is going. Jean says that it must be tough being a single mom, and asks how long ago Hilda and "her husband" split. Hilda says that they never married, and gives the old "prom night, condom breaks" story. Jean says that's a lot of information. Justin shows the shirt he silkscreened in class today -- it's a "Free Claire" shirt. Hey, I want one of those! Jean asks if Claire is a celebrity, and Justin goes into the whole story, saying that hers was a crime of passion, and that he will not rest until she's free. In fact, he's starting a petition the day at school. Jean notes with some concern that he's starting a petition to free a murderer, and Betty says that the cause gives Justin a place to focus his anxiety, since he's still pretty upset about the Dreamgirls snub. Heh. Justin says, "Babel? What's Babel?" and Marc says that he knows, and that Dreamgirls was a cinematic achievement. Jean gives him a glare and he says, "And, uh, phew, how about the boobs on that Beyoncé, huh?" There are then hijinx involving the cat running outside, and Ignacio chasing him, and the alarm going off, and Betty and Justin explaining to Jean that he's under house arrest because he's an illegal immigrant. Jean quietly asks Marc if he's sure he wants to get involved with this family. You're the homophobe with the show cat, lady. And then, in the middle of it all, Daniel arrives. Justin tells Jean that Daniel is Betty's ex-boyfriend, and everyone looks at Justin like he's crazy. He says, "What? I can't play too?" If Justin were about ten years older, this dinner would have a much happier ending.
Meanwhile, Wilhelmina slinks into Claire's hospital room, having passed herself off as Claire's "very tan sister." Tanned from within by the sunshine of evil, as we will soon see. Wili pushes the button on Claire's adjustable bed. She notes the handcuffs. Claire says that she committed a crime, and Wili says that the biggest crime is not letting a woman have her makeup. She paints Claire's lips with gloss and says that things aren't going well with Daniel and Alexis, and that she's afraid they're going to destroy the magazine and each other. Wili thinks, it will come as no surprise to you, that it would be helpful to have someone supervise and mediate. Claire guesses that Wili thinks that person should be herself. Wili says that she practically ran the magazine while Daniel was in charge, but has no authority in her current position. She notes that Claire could give her power of attorney, or "something like that." That way, she says, she can protect them. After all, she's a mother, too. Claire says, "You're telling me." Claire thinks Wilhelmina is a motherchucker! Claire tells Wili to cut the act, because she's not Bradford or some other suit who will be taken in by Wili's collagen smile and plastic ass. Oooh, burn. Wili then does something that is SO EVIL. She wants to offer Claire something that might change her mind, and pulls a bottle of vodka out of her purse. Not a flask, either, but a whole big bottle. I guess it's a good thing the large tote is still in. She says she knows that Claire is drying out, but that one little sip can't hurt. She pours some in one of the plastic hospital glasses. Claire says, "You actually think I would sell out my children for a lousy drink?" Well...I mean, maybe. Wili says probably not after one, but after four or five, she's been known to do a lot worse. Well that's no way to get her on your side! Try some diplomacy, for heaven's sake. Claire tells Wili to listen, and listen hard. She knows who Wilhelmina is, and she will never get her hands on the company. She says that "that slut Fey Sommers" may have gotten to be editor-in-chief by going after her husband, but from now on, the only person running Mode will be a Meade. She looks like she means it, too. As a final, parting evil gesture, Wili puts a straw in the vodka cup and puts it on the table just out of Claire's reach. She leaves and Claire lunges for it, to no avail. After that scene, even I could use a drink.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Daniel hands Betty his newly completed letter from the editor, which seems to have actually been written by him. It's called "He Ain't Heavy, She's My Brother," which is still kind of a douchey title, if you ask me. He asks Betty to edit it and run it by Alexis, noting that it has to get to the printer the morning. Betty says that he could have emailed it, and he says that he wanted to see her face when she wasn't disappointed in him. I'd say "Aw" if that wasn't so pathetic. He admits that Betty's pep talks make him feel peppy, which is actually kind of sweet. Marc comes in and asks what she's doing, and she says that she wants to read the letter Daniel worked so hard on. Marc tells her to forget the stupid letter and rejoin the beard party. Betty says that it isn't stupid. Marc replies that it might not be, but that Daniel is, since the letter will never see the light of day. He spills that Alexis has redone the entire issue, and that it's already on the way to the printer's, so Betty should come back to dinner. Betty, of course, takes off to go after Daniel. Marc protests, and loudly tries to make it into a lover's quarrel about her ex-boyfriend. She calls him an idiot and leaves, and he yells after her that they're going to talk about this in couples counseling. Commercials.
When we return, Betty and Daniel are in a car, stuck in traffic. Daniel can't believe that he was stupid enough to trust Alexis. Betty says that it wasn't stupid, he just wanted to believe in the good in people. She notes that the printer isn't that far away, and the two of them grab the letter to the editor, get out of the car, and run.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Jean asks Marc if he doesn't think it's weird that Betty ran off with her ex-boyfriend. Marc gets all serious-like, and says that there's something he needs to tell her about himself: "I...am...breaking up with Betty." D'oh. Jean looks sympathetic for a minute, and then says, "Thank God." Marc asks with surprise if she didn't like Betty, and Jean says that, with that hair and that face, what would her grandchildren look like? Marc looks around and seems embarrassed, even though that's totally something he would say. To Betty's face. Marc says that Betty and her family were pretty nice to them tonight, which starts Jean off on a tirade about Ignacio being an illegal immigrant, Hilda being a slut, and -- wait for it -- Justin being "swishy." She says that Hilda doesn't even say anything about it, and that it makes her sick. Like dining on contaminated cat food, probably. And that is the tipping point. Marc tells Jean to shut her mouth, and that she doesn't get to talk about the Suarez family like that. He says that they did a really nice thing for him tonight. And then he gets stuck on "swishy." He says, in a trembling voice, "You want to talk about swishy? Well open your eyes, mom, and look at your own swishy son." Oh my God, I can't take it! I totally cried when I saw this for the first time. Jean Wiener looks at Marc and says that she's going back to the hotel. He tells her that she doesn't get to leave, because he may never again be this brave. He says that he loves her, but that he is what she thinks he is. She tells him not to say it, and that he's confused. Marc is SO not confused. He says that if his mom wants to get to know him, it has to be the real him. Jean pauses for a moment, and then says that if this is the life he's chosen, she has no interest in knowing the real him. Oh my God! I know. Tears. She leaves and I want to give Marc a giant hug.
Meanwhile, Betty and Daniel are running, and Betty is having a hard time keeping up. As it happens, they run right past Alexis in her car. Hoo boy. Betty drops out, but Alexis starts running after them. That's right -- it's down to a foot race in the Olympics of family dysfunction! Things get all slow-mo and the theme from Chariots of Fire plays. Alexis has a big smile on her face, and soon Daniel gets one, too. He looks at her and sees his brother, Alex, also running. At the last minute, Alexis pulls away and raises a fist. As Daniel gains the knowledge that Alexis has won yet again, we head to commercials.
We return to Betty entering a bar and finding Daniel there; he texted her and asked her to come. She asks if he's having a celebratory drink, and if he's buying, and if so can she have a banana daiquiri. A drunken Daniel orders the daiquiri and then tells Betty that Alex won. See, this is so not an episode about good triumphing over evil. Betty says that Alexis wasn't that far ahead, so they can just call the printer and tell them to stop. Which, hey, good point. Daniel is such a doofus. He says that Alex will always be faster, and that his whole family always expected him to be a screw-up at this job, so he's trying not to disappoint them. Oh, boo hoo. Perhaps he shall wipe away his tears with a million-dollar bill. He shows Betty an advance copy of the new issue, with Alexis on the cover and a headline reading, "The future of sexy, and the new face of Mode." He says that Betty should read Alexis's letter from the editor -- it puts Daniel's to shame. With that, he crumples his letter up and takes another drink. Betty says that she's sorry, but Daniel tells her not to be. Alex can run things, because Daniel has a lot of partying to catch up on. He leaves, and Betty looks at him sadly.
But, it must be said, not as sadly as we are looking upon the scene that is about to unfold. Wilhelmina sits at her desk and taps her fingers, thinking. She takes a piece of stationery with her name on it, crossing out "Slater" and writing in "Meade." You know, like you'd do when you were in fourth grade. Except then you weren't TOTALLY EVIL! She might as well change it to Wilhelmina Van Horn.
Cut to Bradford sitting in his office and staring at his fireplace. Wilhelmina enters, and is obviously wearing a fur coat with nothing on under it, and a new, curly weave. She says that she's sorry about Claire, and that it must be hard to come home to an empty house. She sits down, sticks out a bare leg, and asks Bradford if he'd like dinner and some company. Bradford looks at her all creepy-like. And...GROSS! Their child would totally have a pointy arrow tail and use a pitchfork for a rattle.
Betty returns home to Queens to find Marc sitting on her stoop. She apologizes for running out, and asks him how everything went. He says that things got a little messy. He tells her that he outed himself to his mother, and that she left. Betty looks sad, and says that she learned something about family tonight. They're not always the ones who love you the most; sometimes it's the family you make for yourself. Marc says that she's getting a little too "Lifetime Original Movie" for him. Is that supposed to be a bad thing? Because any vehicle for the talents of Miss Tracey Gold is good enough for me. But, Marc says, he gets it. If his mother doesn't want to be a part of his life, then it's her loss. Because, he says, he's freaking fabulous. Betty agrees, and so does everyone else with a heart and eyes. Marc tells Betty that she'll always be his little chimichanga. She rolls her eyes and smiles as he says, "Doesn't mean I like you!," and walks away.
Meanwhile, Betty takes Daniel's crumpled letter out of her pocket, and we get a voice-over. It's all about Alexis. Daniel says that he didn't welcome his brother back at first, in part because he wasn't used to seeing him in a satin pump. At this, we see Bradford picking up a copy of the new issue that Alexis has left for him. But mostly, it was because when Alex went away, he broke Daniel's heart. At this, we see Alexis feeding Claire gruel in the hospital. Or at least I assume it's gruel -- isn't that what they give future inmates? Daniel continues to read that he was mad, but that once he looked past his anger -- and Alex's makeup -- he realized that he was happy to have his brother back. He says that Alexis is family, and that it's family that will keep Mode going in the midst of personal crisis. We first see the Suarez family happily playing cards, and then Daniel unhappily in bed with two models, swigging out of a bottle. He ends, "It's family that gets you through everything. So welcome back, Alexis. Thanks to you, I'm no longer alone." Or, maybe you are. I mean, it's anyone's guess, really. Alexi Murdoch's "Orange Sky" is playing the whole time. His brother and his sister standing by! All at once! Maybe the "orange" is supposed to symbolize a prison jumpsuit, in this case? Betty walks into her house and joins her family, happy to a part of this unconventional brood. The moral here? Love your slutty sister. It could be worse.