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Charlie and Henry invite Betty to Charlie's birthday party. Betty is trying to pretend that the three of them can be friends, so she goes, but in order to save face, she invites her orthodontist to join her. Meanwhile: Daniel and The Chin are still totally doing it. She wants to depose Claire, but since Daniel is (rightly) afraid that Claire will confess, he hides his mother in a hotel under a false name...which Grace soon ferrets out, taking his mother to a restaurant to interview her. Daniel manages to get Grace away from the table and distract her with sex (captured on cameraphone video by Marc, to further Wili's plans of driving a wedge between the Meade siblings), during which time Claire slips away. Claire calls Betty away from the party to bring her a corporate credit card so that Claire can flee the country, so Betty stalls her by bringing her to Queens -- with the orthodontist still in tow. Betty calls Daniel to perform damage control, but he's kind of busy with Alexis, who confronts him with the sex video and gets all mad that Daniel's helping their (in Alexis's mind) evil father. Grace quits the case, and Daniel tells Alexis that Claire killed Fey, and that Alexis's hotheadedness has doomed their mother to prison time. Okay, so, back in Queens, Constance is stalking Ignacio. Hilda had tried to throw her off Ignacio's scent (ew) by telling Constance that Ignacio was seeing another woman, so of COURSE as soon as Constance sees Claire, she assumes that Claire is the other woman. A shoving match ensues, which Ignacio tries to defuse by pointing out that he and Constance aren't really a couple, but she responds by lojacking him and putting him under house arrest. Poor Gabe the orthodontist, sick of getting confused with Henry by everyone Betty's been talking to, tells her she obviously still likes Henry, and leaves with his dignity. Claire turns herself in, which means Bradford will soon be back at Meade Publishing, which means Wili has screwed Alexis out of her power play. Back at the office the day, Betty tells Henry that she can't handle hanging out with him as friends (unspoken: because she looooooooves him). Amanda wears silly rubber clothes. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Bradford was arrested for killing Fey Sommers, but Claire confessed to Betty that it was actually she who dunnit. To make matters worse for our heroine, Henry's girlfriend, Charlie, rolled into town and, quite frustratingly, was all perky and likeable. Ignacio's INS case worker got a little too handsy. Alexis bonded with Daniel and went back on her promise to make Wilhelmina Editoratrix-in-Chief. Daniel's dalliance with lawyer and onetime stand-up-ee Grace Chin led him to the information that witnesses saw a blue Aston Martin -- the very same car that Claire drives -- on the night of Fey Sommers's death. I wish this show were a like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novel and I went down the path where somehow Hilda killed Fey with a push-up bra.
We open with Betty at the orthodontist. She's just gotten some new wires. The orthodontist, whose name is Dr. Farkas, tells Betty that they're a new gauge and will feel weird to her, and to anyone who's kissing her. Betty is all, "Tee hee, no one's kissing THIS metal mouth, Mr. Dr. Sir!" Dr. Farkas says that there must be someone special, and Betty acknowledges that there WAS someone, but that he has a girlfriend. Dr. Farkas asks how it feels, and Betty says that it was tough, but now she's happy and they're all friends. The doctor says that he meant the braces, of course. Betty feels dumb. Dr. Farkas asks if she's comfortable with this, and Betty says that the braces might hurt at first, but that she'll just have a milkshake for lunch, perhaps in order to bring the boys to the yard. This time, Dr. Farkas is actually talking about the situation with Henry and Charlie. Betty says that the milkshake will help that too, and then gets all shades-of-Marcia-Brady as Dr. Farkas gives her a squeeze on the shoulder. There's really nothing that makes a person look sexier than that vinyl chair with the foot rest, is there? Throw in a spit cup and it's like watching really good porn.
Meanwhile, Daniel is rolling around in bed with Grace Chin. He flops over and says that was great, and gets silence and a distracted "Yeah, that was good" in return. Grace says that she's going over her morning meetings in her head. Daniel asks if she's going to make him spoon, and Grace says no, though he is going to make her breakfast, and then she has to go. Daniel notes that Grace likes to have sex three times a night and not cuddle, and asks where she's been all his life. Grace says that after Daniel stood her up in college, she closed herself off emotionally and threw herself into work, substituting ambition for passion. Daniel asks if Grace is ever going to forget that. She says she's not, and that she might even bring it up when she talks to Daniel's mother. Daniel gets a look of panic and sits up, noting his surprise. Grace says that Claire's testimony is important to Bradford's defense. Daniel tells Grace that she can't interview Claire, because Claire relapsed after his father's arrest and took off. Wow, Daniel is really smooth, isn't he? He says that Claire could be anywhere.
Cut to "anywhere," a suite at the Grand Regent. Daniel has taken Claire there, despite her protestations that this is kidnapping. Claire would totally be the Patty Hearst kind of kidnapping victim, whom you'd see looking jolly in a beret while holding an Uzi a few weeks later. Claire says that her room doesn't even have a park view, and that she might as well be tied to a chair having her ear sliced off. Daniel says that Claire can't talk to Grace, because Claire tends to get drunk and say "stupid things." Claire notes that he means she confesses things. Daniel tells Claire that she's not confessing anything, and she asks if they can at least tell Alexis the truth -- that Bradford is not a murderer. Daniel says that it doesn't matter, because Alexis hates Bradford, and the whole reason she came back was to put Bradford away. Daniel adds that he and Alexis are getting along, but that Alexis would turn on him in a second if she found out that he'd hired Grace Chin to defend Bradford. Claire says that this is some family. Perhaps what she needs is a hunky housekeeper from Brooklyn to manage the household for her and drop clever bon mots like "A-Oh, Oh-A" from time to time. Daniel tells Claire not to talk to or call anyone: officially, Claire Meade has disappeared. I already feel sympathy for her room's mini-bar. Daniel says that he's going to change her name at the front desk. Way to think of that now, Charlie Chan. Claire tells him to use the name "Brandy Shaloo," which has come in handy before. At least it's less obvious than "Brandy Alexander." Or "Bloody Mary."
Meanwhile, back at Mode, Betty runs into Henry and Charlie. She asks how their weekend was, and Charlie says that it was great. They ordered in and watched a bunch of movies. And had hot monkey-love sex, is the subtext. Betty says that she got a new shower curtain. Which, hey -- I love a good new shower curtain. Betty compliments Charlie on her new "New York" haircut, which makes her look about 1/16 less of a simpering imp. She says that she didn't take off much, because Henry likes it long, and then embraces him for the second time in twelve seconds. After a bit of hemming and hawing, Henry invites Betty to a birthday party they're throwing for Charlie. He says that he knows it's last-minute, but that they would love it if she could come. This would be the perfect time to put the pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey poster right in front of a screenless, open window. Charlie says that Betty has to come, because so far the only invitees are Henry's dorky accounting friends, and all they do is get drunk and talk about W-2s. Betty defensively says that it is tax season. Henry smiles. Charlie jets off, and once she's gone, Henry tells Betty that she doesn't have to come if it's weird. Betty lies that it won't be weird; she says it sounds fun, and that she needs tax advice anyway. Henry tells her to bring her receipts, and the two share a momentary look of thwarted dork love.
Meanwhile, just as Marc is complimenting the perkiness of her boobs, Amanda gets a package at the front desk from Oswald Lorenzo Studio. The bowl-haired guy who delivers it says that Amanda is Oswald's new muse. Marc says that Oswald Lorenzo is THE "It" designer for all the actors whose faces you recognize but whose names you don't know, like "Whatshername" and "That Guy." Marc asks how Amanda knows Oswald Lorenzo, and she says that they met at the Jil Sander party the night. Amanda says that Oswald was totally worshiping her, as we flash back to Oswald totally ignoring her. Amanda then says that there was another skank who was trying to horn in, as we flash back to Amanda horning in skankily. Amanda says that the skank was a cow, and was just one of those women who hates other women. Marc tells her enough with the vagina monologue: open the present. She does, and pulls out a metallic gray, very tiny, rubbery-looking dress. The card reads, "To my muse. Enjoy 'The Amanda.' Love, Oswald." Marc says, "How sweet! He made you a big, silver rubber." Amanda says that Marc's jealous it's not in his size, and Marc says that he is, a little.
Meanwhile, at Casa de Suarez, Constance has made Ignacio a cup of General Foods International Coffee. And this is how the ensuing scene should go:
Ignacio: Hey...do you remember that time in Paris?
Constance: That café!
Ignacio: That waiter!
Both: Jean-Luc!
Instead, Ignacio takes a sip and says that it's fancy, and Constance says that she likes how Ignacio enjoys the finer things. Ignacio tries to use the "international" aspect to segue into talking about the case for his green card. Constance says that they have time, because his court date isn't for weeks. Constance takes a sip of her drink and asks why the Hazelnut Symphony always makes her want to dance. She grabs "Nacho" and tells him that "Mama wants to shake it." You know, if Nacho would just let himself go, I'll bet Constance would be a bouncy, wild kind of lay. And that man could use some. He's so serious-looking all the time. Constance plants a big kiss on Ignacio, who says he can't because there are kids in the house. She scowls, and he uses the old "heart condition" excuse, brandishing his medicine in defense. If he isn't careful, he might get a visit from the Love Doctor.
Back at Mode, Wilhelmina is watching FashionTV. Alexis enters with a peace offering: an Hermes scarf. Wili says she's sure her cleaning lady will love it. She snottily asks if they have an appointment, and says that even though she's JUST Creative Director, she still has a very full plate. Alexis says that Daniel turned his back on their father for her, and Alexis has to at least give him a chance. Ah, I see where this is going. Wili says that she understands, and then tells Alexis that she's never noticed what big man-hands she has. HA! That's my girl. Kick a tranny when she's down. Both women turn toward the TV as news about Grace Chin taking Bradford's case comes on. Grace gives a press conference in which she says that Bradford Meade is a pillar of society and doesn't have so much as a parking ticket on his record. Well, that's because he has a driver. The rich always get loopholes. Alexis is perturbed. Wili says she's surprised that Alexis hasn't heard about The Chin, and adds that she's never lost a case. She tells Alexis that she guesses things haven't turned out as planned for either of them. Alexis gives her a look and leaves.
Marc enters and tells Wili that she showed Alexis who the alpha diva was. Wili says that she's glad Alexis is giving Daniel a chance, because she's sure he'll disappoint her...they'll make sure of it. Marc says, "Lady, you give me chills," and then totally gets the chills and has to excuse himself.
Meanwhile, Betty is sitting on top of her desk, which also contains tons of dental products. She tells Daniel that her orthodontist is always way too generous, and he replies that someone has a crush on her. This moment is interrupted by Amanda, who comes waddling in wearing "The Amanda," which is not only waaaaay too tight but seriously compromises the mobility of all of her limbs. Daniel asks what the hell it is, and she tells him that it's an Oswald Lorenzo named after her. She then waddles off. Prepare for her to waddle in and out of scenes periodically throughout the episode. Betty tells Daniel that Grace Chin called the night after he left and said that she needed to talk to him, and that it was important. Daniel says that he already saw her, and Betty curiously asks if he had a breakfast meeting. He did, and says that he saw Grace before that. She asks if he wasn't at the gym before the breakfast meeting, and he says it was after that. He yells at Betty to stop giving him the third degree, and she apologizes and says that she's very involved in his schedule. But really, Betty can smell pork from a mile away. She picks a hair off of Daniel's suit, and he says he stood to someone named Michelle on the elevator. Betty asks if Michelle isn't on maternity leave. Daniel finally confesses that he's boinking The Chin, and tells Betty not to let anyone -- especially Alexis -- know. Betty buttons her lip, but asks if Daniel thinks that it's a good idea. He says that it's not, and that he didn't mean for it to happen, but that it's fun and he'll cool it off before the trial starts. Daniel notes that Betty's giving him the "I'm so disappointed in you" look again. She apologizes, and says that it just happens. Daniel says that he likes Grace, and then notes that they just got in the new Catherine Malandrino collection. He asks Betty to have Christina pick something out, because Grace will like that. Please. That woman is 4'10".
Betty goes to the closet, where Christina says that this is the third piece Daniel's sent to Grace, and that it's a serious pain in the ass, but that she could understand it if Daniel and Grace were shagging. Betty says that they're not, but Christina is wise to the ways of the world. Betty asks Christina not to tell anyone. Christina says that she won't, and then adds that a missing dress is nothing compared to the murders and sex changes happening in the Meade Family. Good point. Speaking of scandals, in walks Henry with a map to Charlie's party, which is in the West Village. He and Betty give their patented gaze of thwarted dork love, and Christina has to interrupt and note that she's been there the whole time. Henry leaves, and Betty says that she knows what Christina's thinking, but that they're just friends. Christina scornfully says that Betty's going to Henry's girlfriend's birthday party when Henry broke Betty's heart. Betty denies that her heart was broken, but Christina pulls the Kleenex trail out of the garbage for proof. It's like the bread crumbs leading back to emotional truth, but more viscous. Christina asks why Betty would do this to herself, and Betty says that it's because she doesn't want to lose Henry as a friend. She's an adult, she says, and can rise above this. Christina says that fair enough, but tells Betty to get a date for the night.
So who does Betty get on the phone? Yep, her orthodontist. Better than Craig's List, I guess. She says that she needs to come in again because her wire snapped. She then has Christina go at her with a pair of wire clippers. Who knew Betty was such a schemer? Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. And then have to clean her hardware with a Water Pik. Commercials.
When we return, Alexis stomps down the hall at Mode. She angrily bursts into a meeting Daniel is leading and yells at him that they have a big problem. He calmly tells her that they're in the middle of a staff meeting, and she whispers to him that it's about their father. Daniel excuses himself.
Out in the hallway, Alexis says that Grace Chin is representing their father, and that she's never lost a case. Daniel asks if that is so bad, and whether Alexis really wants their father to spend the rest of his life in prison. Alexis says that Bradford's a murderer, and then asks Daniel if he knew about this. Daniel says of course he didn't, and that he doesn't even know "this Grace Chin woman." Again with the smoothness. Daniel reminds Alexis that Bradford is still their father, and she in turn reminds him that Bradford is the man who made Daniel feel worthless his whole life, drove their mother to drink hand sanitizer, and told Alexis that he'd rather see her dead than in a dress. Okay: Alexis 3, Daniel 1. Alexis says that Bradford is a monster, and the two siblings part ways. Marc, who has been watching the whole thing, notes with delight that it's juicy. Amanda comes waddling in, and he tells her that Alexis is one angry she-male. Amanda asks what she missed, and tries to run to the action, but falls over. Marc says he would have told her what happened.
Meanwhile, Betty is back at the orthodontist's office. Dr. Farkas suspiciously confirms her story that she snapped her wire eating a bagel. She says that she did, and he asks if the knife was still in it. Betty laughs and tells Dr. Farkas that he's funny. She adds that he has really good breath. Oh, Betty and her Neanderthal flirting skills. Do you think she picked that up by reading The Rules? Dr. Farkas says that good breath and trimmed nose hairs are pretty much required for the job. I will never think of Dr. Conlin, the orthodontist of my youth, in the same way again. Dr. Farkas asks if he can trust Betty this time, and she really steps up to the plate and says that he might have to have dinner with her to make sure that she doesn't eat anything too dangerous. Dr. Farkas says that maybe he will, given that there's a lot of dangerous foods out there, like...apples. Betty then gives him a meaningful look and actually says, "...and carrots." Ewwwwwwww! He adds, "...and corn on the cob," before asking if Betty is asking him out. Betty says no, if he doesn't want to. But, in fact, he wants to, and says sure. Betty and her repaired wire smile.
Back at Mode, Wili and Marc are going through a rack of clothes, and Wili is dismissing each of the dresses. She says that they can't use the Dior, because Sharon Stone wore it to the Globes. Marc laughs and says, "Oh please, she's over forty -- like anyone was even looking!" Wili scowls at him and he backpedals, saying that there's nothing more admirable than a handsome woman. God, I hope no one ever calls me "handsome." Wili tells Marc to stop stressing or he'll lose even more hair. Heh. She asks Christina where the Catherine Malandrino is. Christina unconvincingly says that she doesn't know. Wili says that's not like her, and Christina says that she thinks it was sent out. Wili says that the only ones who can send anything out pre-shoot are the Creative Director or Editor-in-Chief, and asks Marc if Wili herself signed it out. He confirms that she didn't, and Christina says that she thinks it might have been Daniel. This piques Wili's interest, and when Christina says she doesn't know why Daniel did it, Wili ominously says that she might have to call Betty and tell her that Christina delivered the evidence that put Bradford in prison. Christina yells that Wilhelmina can't keep doing this to her, and Wili agrees that she can't, but picks up the phone and dials Betty anyway. Christina finally spills that Daniel sent the dress to Grace Chin. Marc notes that Daniel doesn't even know her, and Wili wonders why Daniel would give her clothing. And then she figures out the whole "sent her a dress to eventually woo her out of it" bit. She cackles and says that Daniel does not disappoint. Poor Daniel and his predictable penis.
Meanwhile, Hilda and Justin come home to Ignacio hiding in the house with all the lights off. Hilda asks what's up, and says that she's been trying to call for two hours. Ignacio says that he unplugged the phone, because Constance has been calling constantly. Justin says that he likes Constance, and that she gave him a dollar to call her "Grandma." Hilda says it's nuts that Ignacio is hiding from his case worker, and he replies that what's nuts is that his case worker is stalking him. Hilda says that this has crossed a line, and that Ignacio should report her. He says that he's just going to wait it out until his court date, which causes Hilda to reply that you don't put out the bait unless you want the fish to eat. Between the carrot line and this, I'm starting to get really uncomfortable thinking about the Suarez family at dinner time. Ignacio asks what can he do, and says that he isn't in the position to say anything. Suddenly, we hear Constance's fish-voice calling for Nacho. Hilda asks Ignacio to let her talk to Constance. Yeah, that seems like a great idea.
Back at Mode, Betty tells Daniel that she called Grace Chin's office, and that her assistant said that Grace was picking up a witness at the Grand Regent. Ruh-roh. Daniel freaks out. Betty asks what the big deal is, and Daniel says that Grace is going to talk to Brandy Shaloo. Betty does not know what's going on.
Meanwhile, Wili and Marc have figured out that Daniel has been lying to Alexis about Bradford's case the whole time, and that the fact that he's boinking Grace is just the icing on the cake. Marc yells, "Yummy!" and waves his arms up in the air like he doesn't care. Wili tells him he's being too gay. She instructs Marc to follow Daniel everywhere, because if Marc can get proof of the affair, she can pit Alexis against Daniel. Is it wrong that I'm rooting for Wilhelmina? I just want her to be happy. Marc says that Alexis and Daniel will be so busy taking each other down, they won't even notice her taking over. "Fly, my pretty! Fly!" says Wili, and Marc notes that she's perhaps the gayest of all. Wili has a look of evil glee as we head to commercials.
When we return, Grace Chin is totally taking a statement from a martini-swilling Claire at a restaurant. She asks how long Bradford was having an affair with Fey Sommers, and Claire asks when that MC Hammer guy was hitting the scene. I just got the weirdest visual of Bradford seducing Fey while wearing Hammer pants. I can't, and wouldn't, touch that. Daniel comes barging in awkwardly, and Claire quietly says, "Oh, crap." That's the kind of reaction you want your entrance to elicit from your mom, isn't it? Daniel pretends to be surprised that Claire is back. He asks Grace how she ever found her, and Grace says that she called Claire's house, and the housekeeper told her that Claire was at the Grand Regent. Claire says that her testimony will really help Bradford. Daniel asks if he can sit in, and Grace says that she really needs to get through her questions. Grace tells Claire that if she puts Claire on the stand, Grace will have to ask about Claire's feelings for Fey Sommers. Claire laughs that Fey was a conniving, manipulative little bitch who deserved...and before she can finish, Daniel finishes her sentence: "...a little forgiveness and understanding, right?" Way to play it smooth again, whitey. Grace and Claire both glare at him, and then Grace leaves to take a call. Claire tells Daniel not to yell at her. He says that he won't, but she knows that she was supposed to stay away from Grace. Claire says that she won't incriminate herself, and that Daniel has to trust her judgment. Daniel sarcastically says that her judgment has been terrific so far, and that if not for what she did, none of them would be in this situation. She says that she's just trying to help, and Daniel tells her to go back to the hotel and stay out of the way. He asks how much more damage she wants to do to the family. Hey, that's mean. But then again, she may have killed a lady. Family dynamics are always so complicated! Claire gets teary as we pan to a menu in front of someone's face. It's Marc! He's been watching the whole time.
Meanwhile, Amanda is still wearing "The Amanda." A woman comes up to her and correctly identifies her as the slut from the Jil Sander party. Amanda says that she recognizes the girl as being the skank who was all up in Oswald's pooch. She says that if the girl wasn't so desperate, he might have made "The Amanda" for her. Except he would have called it "The Skank Whore." Sometimes when I watch Amanda, I think that someone projected my ideal self directly from my brain onto the small screen. The girl marches off, and Amanda looks satisfied.
Cut to the West Village, where Betty and Dr. Farkas enter Charlie's party. Betty introduces Henry and Charlie to Dr. Farkas, who says that they can call him Gabe. He gives Charlie a tongue scraper as a birthday present. Betty pretends that she's never seen one before, and Dr. Farkas gravely says that so many people forget about the tongue. First the carrots and corn on the cob and now this. It's really too much for me to handle. Betty notices Charlie's cake and identifies it as the chocolate raspberry cake from Magnolia. Henry says that Charlie's not much for cake, so she just told him to pick his favorite. Betty excitedly says that it's her favorite, too, and Charlie gives them a funny look. As Dr. Farkas leaves to get them drinks, Henry says that Betty didn't tell them she was bringing someone. Betty says that she thought it would be okay. Charlie says that Dr. Farkas is cute, and alluringly adds that he's a dentist. Betty notes that he's an orthodontist, and Charlie gives the thumbs up. Henry asks how long Betty and Dr. Farkas have been seeing each other. Betty vaguely says that they've known each other a while, and that he's a really terrific guy. And hey -- all the free tiny rubber bands you can stand! Charlie overenthusiastically says that the two of them are perfect together, and that their chemistry is obvious. She looks to Henry for confirmation, and he noncommittally says that he just met the guy. Jealous! Well done, Betty! Charlie says that she's all about vibes, and that she's definitely feeling this one. She asks for Betty's and Dr. Farkas's star signs, and offers to do their chart. Betty says okay, and looks back and forth from Henry to Charlie. Henry and Betty are so doing it before the season is over.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Hilda is doing Constance's hair. Constance asks if Hilda is sure that she's going to look like Beyoncé, and Hilda says that, when she's done, Jay-Z is going to be ringing Constance's alarm. Constance says she doesn't need to hear from Jay-Z, because she's only got eyes for one man right now. She says that she wants some insight from Hilda, and asks if Ignacio likes it "up, down, or all around." Ewwwwww. Hilda asks if they're still talking about hair. Constance laughs and says that it's been so long since someone made her tingle. Hilda says that Ignacio does have a way with the ladies, and Constance whips around and asks if she's got competition. Hilda says that there is a certain someone that Ignacio's been seeing for a while, and Constance asks why he didn't tell her this. Hilda says it's because Ignacio's a decent guy and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings -- especially someone who has done so much for him. Constance says that he didn't need to keep that from her, and that if Ignacio doesn't want her, it's his loss. Hilda agrees, and Constance says to hell with Beyoncé -- Hilda should do her like Mariah. In other words: "Style me in a manner that reflects my inner craziness through giant hair."
Back at the restaurant, Daniel tells Grace that Claire had to run. Grace is upset, and says that she needs to talk to Claire. Grace tries to go after her, and Daniel says that she can't...because he really wants her. Oh, Daniel. He tells Grace that she looks really hot in her brown wool suit, and asks when she's going to live in the moment. He kisses her neck, and Grace says that Daniel is insane. And, kind of stupid. Still. Always. Forever. She says that they're in public. He replies that that's hot, and she says that he's got six minutes. They disappear behind a velvet curtain into the private dining room. A minute later, Marc pokes his head in. He's disgusted, but manages to record them with his phone.
Back at the birthday party, Henry and Charlie chat with Betty and Dr. Farkas. They're like Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice, but hairier. Henry and Charlie say that they have just bought a purple couch. Dr. Farkas jokes that the couch is a first step, and you know what's . Betty says, "A coffee table?" Dr. Farkas says that he was thinking a mortgage. Henry kind of meanly says, "It's just a couch." Charlie looks a little hurt, but then hears a song that she likes and asks Henry to dance with her. Betty looks sad. Dr. Farkas asks her to dance and she accepts, but she can't keep her eyes off of Henry and Charlie. Henry, for his part, looks pretty sad, too. Just then, Betty's phone starts vibrating. It's Claire. She needs Betty to bring her a corporate credit card. She says that it's an emergency, and that she's at the Grand Regent. Dr. Farkas asks if there's anything that he can do, and Betty asks how he feels about going to the Grand Regent. Dr. Farkas asks if he's that good a slow dancer, and Betty thankfully does not say anything about the Grand Regent's tasty cucumbers. She does say that she needs to run an errand, and asks if he'll come with her. Henry notices them leaving and looks upset as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty is at the Grand Regent with Claire. She asks what Claire means when she says she's running away. Claire says that she's hopping the first plane to wherever people go when they disappear. The bottom of the Hudson? Try JetBlue. Betty says that Claire doesn't need to disappear, but Claire says that she does. She destroyed her family -- Daniel made that quite clear. She says that she's already caused her family so much pain, and now she needs to go far off where she won't hurt them anymore. Oh my God...Claire's pregnant! Betty says that Claire isn't thinking clearly, and that she should call Daniel. Claire says that she'll do it, and then asks for Betty's phone, which she summarily smashes against the wall. Well done! Claire asks for the credit card, and Betty tries to act like she doesn't have it, saying that it's at home in Queens, on the way to the airport. Just then, Dr. Farkas comes in and notes that he's parked in a horse and carriage zone. Betty explains to Claire that she and Dr. Farkas are on a date, and Claire says that she thought it was an accountant that Betty liked. Betty tries to play it off like that was a long time ago, and says, repeatedly and unconvincingly, that she's over it, and she and Henry are just friends. Dr. Farkas says, "I believe you!" Claire says that this is an awkward moment, and then adds, "Leave it to me! I kill everything!" Even germs that cause bad breath? Because I think Dr. Farkas would be down with that.
Back at Mode, Wili watches the video of Daniel and Grace having sex on the dirty restaurant floor, and notes that Daniel is always a class act. Wili tells Marc to take his pick from the goodie basket, and holds the incriminating CD, noting that she has a delivery to make.
Soon enough, Alexis is watching the footage. Wili counts down from five, ending exactly as Alexis yells, "That lying bastard!" Wili enters Alexis's office under false pretense, and asks if she's interrupting something. Alexis says that Daniel lied to her, and that he's sleeping with Grace Chin, after saying he didn't know her. Wili notes that it's interesting that Alexis trusted Daniel and he betrayed her. She says that she went through something similar with a former friend. The knife, it twists!
Meanwhile, Christina goes to the bathroom and hears a voice calling for help. It's Amanda, who is standing on top of a toilet. She says she hasn't been able to pee all day. She was simply trying to stand over the toilet, and now she can't get down. Christina gives Amanda a ride on her back like a good Scotswoman.
Back in Daniel's bedroom, Grace tells Daniel that she's going to have to talk to his mother the day. He says that's fine, but that she might disappear again, because that's what she does. Daniel says that he told Grace his mother's nuts. Grace says that's good, because that will be her defense. She knows that Claire killed Fey. Daniel says that's not true, and Grace says that every time she brings up his mother, Daniel gets all freaked out and then wants to have sex. He either has some weird Oedipal thing, or his mother's guilty. To wit, Daniel asks Grace if she wants to have sex. Grace says that she knows Daniel wants to protect his mother, but that if Claire confesses, Grace can help her. Grace wants to go for an insanity defense, and say that Claire thought Fey was going to kill her. Daniel asks if Grace thinks she can win that way, and Grace says she knows she can. Interrupting this CourtTV-sponsored post-coital bliss is Alexis. She notes that the woman Daniel claims never to have met is in his bed. She does not seem pleased about this, and we head to commercials.
When we return, we're in Queens. As Claire enters Casa de Suarez, she calls it a cute little place she can put right in her pocket. Dr. Farkas says that it looks like Betty has her hands full, and that he's going to take off. Betty says that it's just going to take a couple of minutes, and then they can get back to their date. They have a whole side conversation about pie, and Claire sarcastically notes that you can't bottle that kind of chemistry. She tells Betty that there's a flight to Vladivostok at midnight, and that she really needs the credit card. Betty tries to talk her out of it, and saying that Claire didn't do anything, and that Daniel said she tends to make things up when she's drinking. Claire says that she isn't drinking now, and adds that she had Fey's brake lines cut, followed her for eighteen miles until the fluid ran out, and watched her crash into a tree and burn and burn and burn. Dr. Farkas mouths that he's going to go. And seriously -- worst date ever. Betty asks Dr. Farkas to stay, and says that they're playing a game called "guess the quote," and that the preceding statement was from a movie. Betty guesses Firestarter, and then takes her turn, saying, "You complete me." Dr. Farkas guesses Jerry Maguire, and Betty delightedly notes that he's good at the game. Claire asks for the credit card, and Betty heads upstairs, telling the two of them to keep playing. Dr. Farkas says, "Life is like a box of chocolates," and Claire replies, "I've killed once, I'll kill again." Weekend At Bernie's? Ignacio comes down, and Claire introduces herself, along with Betty's date. Ignacio thinks it's Henry, and Claire straightens him out, saying that Henry was the accountant, but this is the orthodontist. Ignacio tells Dr. Farkas that he seems nice. Claire tells Ignacio that she's seen the accountant, and that he's much hotter. Hey! I like Dr. Farkas. Dr. Farkas yells that he has to go, and Betty yells down the stairs that he should stay, and that she at least owes him a cup of coffee. Ignacio offers to make it, and asks Claire what she takes in her coffee. She says vodka and ice, hold the coffee. General Foods should try that one. As Ignacio helps Claire out of her coat, Constance glares through the window. I predict hijinx.
Meanwhile, Betty tries to call Daniel. He doesn't answer...
...because he's watching the video Alexis brought over. He asks what Alexis wants, and she says that she wants Grace to recuse herself from the case. Grace says that her relationship with Daniel doesn't affect her ability to defend Bradford, and Alexis says that they'll see if the judge agrees. She then adds that maybe she'll put the video on the internet, because there are a lot of people out there who would love to see a lawyer getting screwed for a change. Grace says that she's done, and starts to leave. Alexis says that Grace doesn't want to ruin her career, and Grace replies that she just can't stand to deal with the Bickerfords. She says that she has enough murderers to put back on the streets, and their families actually support them. She tells the two of them that they don't need a lawyer: they need a good shrink and (looking at Alexis) maybe a closer shave. When Grace leaves, Daniel asks Alexis how she could do that. Alexis asks how Daniel can help their father, and Daniel drops the bomb that Bradford's innocent and Claire killed Fey. He says that Alexis just ran the best lawyer in town out of his door, and effectively put their mother in prison. I bet Alexis feels pretty silly right now.
Meanwhile, Claire is getting a taste of what prison will be like as Constance confronts her. Constance says that Claire is the ho who is stealing her man, and winds up giving Claire a shove. Oh, she shouldn't-a done that. Claire is skinny, but she'll cut you. Or your brakes. The two shove each other, and somehow poor Dr. Farkas ends up getting slapped in the face. Ignacio comes and asks what's going on, and Claire says that she doesn't know, and that they were just supposed to stop there to get a credit card so they could leave the country. Constance, of course, interprets this as if Claire and Ignacio were leaving the country to get married so that he can get his green card. Ignacio takes Constance to the kitchen and says that Claire isn't his girlfriend, and neither is Constance. He asks why Constance is stalking him. Constance says that she isn't stalking Ignacio -- she's monitoring an illegal immigrant who is a flight risk. He reaches up to grab the international coffee, and Constance slaps a tracking device on his ankle. She says that she'll know where he is 24-7, and that every time he leaves the house, an alarm will go off. I kind of hope Claire does kill Constance. Or Ignacio, even. I'm sick of this subplot.
Betty runs downstairs and asks what the noise was. Poor Dr. Farkas is finally leaving. Betty asks him to stay, promising pie, but Dr. Farkas says it's obvious that she still has feelings for Henry. Betty tries to deny it, to no avail. Betty apologizes. She says that Dr. Farkas is a great guy, but that she asked him out for all the wrong reasons. He says that it's okay, and that he should probably know better than to date his patients anyway -- especially the cute ones. Oh, I love Dr. Farkas! And think of how much Betty would save on orthodontist bills! He begins to leave and says that he'll see Betty at her appointment month, before poking his head back through the door and saying, "Here's looking at you, kid," which Betty correctly identifies as Casablanca. See, they're sweet together! You know who agrees with me on that? Claire, even though she thinks that Betty and Dr. Farkas are sticky as well. She notes that time is running out, and that she needs her damn credit card. Can she seriously not get one of her own? Ponder this as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty tries to pass off a library card as a credit card, but Claire is wise to Betty's bumbling ways. She's losing patience, and asks Betty whether she's called Daniel. Betty says that she did, and that if Claire really did kill Fey, her family has to deal with this. Claire says that there's not much of a family left. Her husband spent twenty years in love with another woman who flaunted it in front of her. She watched the man she loved love someone else. Hey, that sounds familiar! Betty has a good precedent if she wants to off Charlie. Claire says that it killed her, and asks Betty to promise not to make the same mistake she did. Betty promises, but looks pretty freaked out. Claire sits down on the couch and asks what she should do. Betty doesn't know, but she doesn't think that running away is the answer, because whatever Claire is running from will keep following her. She says that maybe they both have to be strong and face the things they don't want to face, no matter how scary they are, because that's the only way they can live with themselves. Claire smiles and grasps Betty's hand as she says that Betty is a smart girl. She then tells Betty that she needs to make a phone call. She's probably going to try to order room service.
Cut to helicopters flying above the Suarez house, and reporters on the scene. Claire has turned herself in for the murder of Fey Sommers, and is being arrested. Alexis and Daniel are both there. A reporter says that Grace Chin has removed herself from the case.
Back at Mode, Wili gleefully watches the story unfold in the company of Marc and Christina. The reporter says that Bradford is expected to be released in the twenty-four hours, and that all murder charges will be dropped. Wili says that Alexis isn't going to like that, and compliments both Marc and Christina on their good work. Christina, as at the end of every recent episode, looks really guilty.
It is the day. Another Oswald Lorenzo package is delivered to Amanda. Amanda tells the delivery lackey thanks but no thanks, because she has rubber burns all over her ass and it took two sticks of butter to get the top off. The delivery man says that fashion is pain. Amanda says that the dress didn't even look good, and he says of course it didn't, because she didn't have the accompanying hat. Amanda is charmed once again and puts on a hideous hat of doom. The delivery guy leaves and, as soon as he's out of Amanda's eyesight, meets up with the skank ho from the party. Turns out Amanda was punk'd! Well done, skank ho.
Henry approaches Betty, who is making copies. He notes that she left last night and that he -- or, rather, he and Charlie -- didn't get a chance to talk to her much. He asks if Betty can go to lunch with him and Charlie today. Betty says she can't. He asks about the day, and Betty says that she can't. She comes clean and says that she can't spend time with Henry and his girlfriend, because it's not good for her. Henry says okay, and adds that he thought they could all be friends. Betty says that she just can't do that right now. Henry asks, "What does that make us?" Betty replies that they are two people who work in the same building. This makes Henry totally sad. He says okay, and then finally remembers to give her the giant slice of cake that he saved her from the party. Better than a carrot, I guess. As "Do Right Woman" starts to play, Betty slides the cake into the trash. Her phone rings, and she jumps right back into work. As Aretha Franklin herself might have said circa 1999...you go, girl!