In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
There is a snowstorm in New York. Kind of a lot has happened in recent days, and poor Betty's having stress dreams. And for good reason: she can't help spilling to Daniel that Claire said she killed Fey. Daniel runs it by Bradford, who says that Claire's delusional and implores Daniel to get stellar lawyer (and former college mate/object of Daniel's scorn and standing-up on New Year's Eve) Grace "The" Chin on his case. Grace now happens to be totally hot, and also still bitter. She says that if Daniel wants her to consider taking on his father's case, he has to apologize to every girl he hurt in college. He fakes it by calling Becks, but The Chin believes in Daniel's remorse enough to bang the hell out of him, and then give some details about the case that indicate Claire's involvement. In the meantime, Claire tells Bradford that she's going to turn herself in. In other Meade family news, Daniel and Alexis are getting along, much to Wilhelmina's chagrin. She chalks it up to the fact that Alexis has no friends, and moves right in with a proposal of girls' night and two tickets to the opera. The two stop off at a crappy bar first, where they meet Staten Island resident Jerry O'Connell and his loser friends. Alexis wants to dump Wili in favor of flirting, but is devastated when it turns out O'Connell was doing it on a bet because he knows Alexis used to be a dude. Wili decks him, but this isn't enough to get Alexis to forsake Daniel and name Wili Editor-in-Chief. This puts Wili in a terrible mood, and she totally sabotages things for an uncooperative Christina, who has been designing an Oscar dress for Sarah Jessica Parker with office supplies and a little help from Marc. Meanwhile, Betty meets a new girl named Charlie, and really likes her before she realizes that Charlie's Henry's girlfriend. Amanda urges Betty to embrace her inner Mode girl and exploit Charlie's weaknesses, so Betty ditches the already-terrified-of-New-York Charlie on a crowded subway. She confesses this to Henry, and also confesses her feelings for him. The two almost kiss, but Charlie interrupts with her newfound love of New York and intention to stay. Dork love foiled again! And, finally, Hilda, Santos, and Justin do some bonding on the subway, whereby Justin lets loose his inner Tracy Turnblad, and Santos finally acknowledges just how awesome he is. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: while doing some bonding at a spa, Betty confessed to Claire that Daniel and Alexis were not getting along at all. Hilda and Santos had some words about Justin. Just when it looked like things were about to heat up between Betty and Henry, Henry dropped the bomb that his ex-girlfriend from Arizona had come to New York. Daniel and Alexis decided that it wouldn't kill them to work together. Daniel told Bradford that he wanted to believe that he was innocent, and Claire confessed to Betty that she killed Fey Sommers. What these people need is to go home, order some Chinese food, put on the Lifetime Movie Channel, and just chill for a while. These bitches are dramatic, man.
We open with a sleeping Betty. And you know how sometimes you see a person sleep and you say, "Oh, she looks like an angel!"? Well, this is not one of those times. Betty has some headgear on, and two curlers in her bangs. A voice calls her name, and Betty rolls over to find Claire, lounging on the bed in full evening regalia, with a martini. She says that she killed Fey Sommers, and will kill Betty too if she tells anyone, especially Daniel. She then asks for the vermouth. Betty starts, and wakes up. See, my work stress dreams involve, like, our publications editor calling me nonstop with edits for some stupid report. I've got to get a new job where people kill each other and stuff. Betty puts her head back on the pillow and hears another voice. She turns over to see Henry, who compliments her on her headgear. He totally would, too. He asks if Betty's met his girlfriend, and points to the other side of the bed, where a whorish cross between Alexis and Amanda is lounging in a red negligee. Henry and the girlfriend start making out right over Betty. Henry turns to Betty and says it's too bad that it didn't work out between them. Then he adds, "Eh. Claire Meade's going to kill you anyway." Betty wakes up -- for real this time -- and looks at the clock. It's 11:11. Damn, what time does this chick go to bed? She says that it's going to be a long night. What I would wish for in this case is barbiturates.
Then, it is a snowy morning in New York. Alexis and Daniel do some jovial bickering on the elevator. Alexis asks Daniel if he's going to be at the ad sales meeting that morning, and he replies that it might be awkward with both of them sitting at the table. Alexis says that they're both in charge, and that it will only be awkward if Daniel is still shoving grapes up his nose. There could be one lodged up there from 1983, which would explain a lot of things. Alexis fixes Daniel's collar, and he thanks her. Wilhelmina sees all of this and gives them both her patented death glare.
Daniel heads over to Betty's desk. She is picking her teeth, probably as usual. She also looks awfully uncomfortable. Daniel picks up his mail and notes that Stella McCartney is having a party that night. He has plans with Becks, so he asks if Betty wants the invite. Betty takes it anxiously and says "maybe," and Daniel notes that, the week before, he gave her a free calendar from his bank, and she was like, "Shut up! I can have this?" Hey, sometimes those calendars come in handy. Betty says that she needs to talk to Daniel, and he heads to his office saying that he needs to call Chloe from Prada first. Betty then stands up and yells, "YOUR MOTHER KILLED FEY SOMMERS!" just as the UPS (or, rather, WPS) guy puts some boxes down in front of her. He helpfully says that she doesn't need to sign as Daniel looks at Betty in shock.
Cut to Wili's office. Marc is organizing some limes. Literally. Wilhelmina vents in a vexed manner that Alexis and Daniel were being so nice to each other. She tells Marc to stop fondling her limes and do something. I've used that line before. Marc tells her to breathe some happy air, and then says that he'll put a Gay-PB out among the assistants and find out what's going on. He picks up the phone, and in walks Christina, asking in an irritated manner if Wili needs something hemmed. Wili says that Christina isn't there to stitch, she's there to snitch. Marc adds, "She needs information, bitch." They both look at him, and Marc says he thought they were rhyming. He's like the gay Nipsey Russell. (The gayer Nipsey Russell?) Wili asks if Betty has told Christina what's going on with Alexis and Daniel. Christina asks what she means, and Wili tells her not to be a clock. I am totally using that line, along with last week's truly excellent "dump truck." Wilhelmina says that the cold front between the Meade boys has clearly thawed, and asks who turned up the heat. Before Christina can answer (or, more likely, refuse to answer), Marc has the skinny: word is that Alexis has nothing on her calendar -- nobody's returning her calls, she has no lunch dates, etc. She's reaching out for her brother because she's friendless. Awwww. Coming back from the dead can be hell on your social life. Or so I've heard. Wili says that this could mean an in for her. Christina makes an exit, saying that she's not part of the evil collective, and is going to get back to sewing. After she's left, Wili notes that Christina could be trouble. Wili tells Marc to make sure the pasty seamstress stays on their side, and orders him to become her best friend and be her new Betty. Marc says that he guesses he has to start eating potatoes.
Speaking of Betty, Daniel tells her that his mother tends to be a bit delusional when she drinks. Betty tells him that Claire said she cut Fey's brakes. Daniel says that after a few cocktails, she also claims to have won the Boston Marathon and caused the tsunami. Betty says that Claire followed Fey in her Aston Martin and watched her crash into a tree. How inconspicuous of her, to follow Fey in an Aston Martin. Daniel takes this detail a bit more seriously, and asks Betty to call Rikers, because he needs to see his father.
Cut to Rikers, where Bradford is once again behind Plexiglass and to a really muscley tattooed guy who likes to call him "Sweet Pants." Bradford says emphatically that Claire did not kill Fey, and asks why Daniel is listing to "that assistant." Maybe because she's the only one who gives him good advice, you tranny-hating asshat. Daniel asks why Claire would confess to something like that, and Bradford blames it on Claire's being such a drunk. Every time I really fuck up at work I'm going to try saying, "But I was drunk when that happened!" We'll see if it works. Bradford tells Daniel to try focusing on something more important, like finding him a new lawyer. Eh, let the old man rot, is my vote. Bradford says that he needs The Chin. Is this some kind of prison sex thing? Daniel has the same question, apparently. Bradford clarifies that he needs lawyer Grace Chin. Daniel looks concerned.
Cut to a yearbook photo of Grace Chin, who looks remarkably like an Asian Betty. We're in Daniel's office. Becks is there, and asks, "You dated THAT?" Daniel says that no, he actually stood THAT up. Becks says "good call," because there's not enough beer in the world to make THAT look good. Daniel says that Grace was his TA sophomore year, and that he promised her that if she helped him to pass Criminology, he'd take her to the Sigma Phi New Year's kegger. And the only thing I can think of to say to that is...Criminology? Like Daniel was training to become the John Munch? Yeesh. Anyhoo, on the night of the event, Cindy Howard showed up at Daniel's room and said that she was tired of being a virgin because it was so uncool. Becks says that this is funny, because Cindy decided the same thing two weeks earlier, in Becks's room. Like you need to come up with a line to get a college sophomore guy to have sex with you. Daniel says that Grace Chin will never take his father's case after what Daniel did to her. Becks says that was last century, and then helpfully calls Grace a fatty and says that she probably has three or four chins by now. Or three or four Chins, which means she's been popping out the babies, I guess. Becks tells Daniel to give her a call, and that she'll be happy to hear from a man. Daniel needs to take Becks out of his MySpace top ten, you know?
Meanwhile, Christina is fitting a model. Betty comes in and invites Christina to be her plus-one for the Stella McCartney party. Christina is delighted, and notes that the invitation says "VIP." Betty notes that she's never even been an IP before. She then comments on how rich the lettering on the invite is, pressing it to her face. Christina says that if she's feeling up a piece of paper, Betty needs to get out more. Betty says that it's true, and that she needs to do something to get her mind off of Henry and his slutty girlfriend. Christina asks whether Betty's met her. Betty hasn't, but says that you just know she's a slut. Aren't they all. The phone rings, and Christina answers. After some banter, she holds it away from her and nervously tells Betty that she's on hold for Sarah Jessica Parker. She makes Betty take the call, and Betty puts on a horrible Scottish accent to go with the horrible giant feathered hat that she's wearing. As it turns out, SJP saw Christina's work at Fashion Week and wants to know if Christina can pull off an Oscar dress...by the day. Yikes! Christina signals no, but Betty says that she'll do it. After she gets off the phone, the two scream, and Christina says that she can never do it in a night. It's Sarah Jessica Parker! It's the Oscars! And, Betty adds, it's the chance of a lifetime. She hands Christina a sketch book, and Christina starts drawing. Betty tells her not to worry about the party, and that she'll find another plus-one. She wishes Christina good luck, which really means, "Good luck trying to find a cut that makes Carrie Bradshaw look less horsey."
Down at the Mode cafeteria, Betty sniffs some food through cellophane. Um, delicious? A girl in front of her expresses shock and dismay that her order of a sandwich and brownie came to $14. Betty tells her that they keep prices high to discourage eating. The girl is two dollars short, and Betty kindly kicks in the extra cash. The girl says that that was sweet, and that she's been in the city for two days and the nicest thing anyone's said to her is that her ass would make a nice chunk of change. Only in the city for two days, eh? I wonder who THIS could be? Stop being such a clock, Betty. Betty says that's just New York's way of saying "Welcome, you look good in your jeans." The girl introduces herself as "Charlotte but everybody calls me Charlie." ["Yeah, we know. I thought you were dead!" -- Wing Chun] Betty does not introduce herself, which is kind of weird. Nevertheless, Charlie says that Betty has an amazing aura. Betty smiles.
Cut to Ignacio getting his hair cut by Hilda. He is nervous and notes that she hasn't even started at beauty school yet. Hilda says, "Cosmetology Institute, please!" and notes that she has to get a leg up, and that Ignacio agreed to help her if she got him a beer. What, he doesn't have legs? He notes that Hilda had two beers, and she says that she's nervous. And now if the haircut is awful she can blame it on being drunk! Why did everyone come to this trick before me? Justin enters in a panic and says that the weather man is predicting a blizzard for that evening. Hilda tells him not to worry, and promises to get him into the city for Hairspray. Justin is all, "Like you promised me the new Fergie CD which I still don't have." It actually pains me that Fergie is like the younger generation's Liza Minnelli. Hilda says that Justin's father won't be there until 6:00, and Justin is all, "If I miss one minute of the first act...you think this is diva now?" I have to introduce everything that Justin says with "Justin is all..." to indicate a certain level of sassiness and an implied snap. He leaves, and Ignacio prompts Hilda to reveal that Santos doesn't know he's going to see a musical. Hilda says that if Santos wants to spend more time with his son, he should do stuff his son likes to do. Hilda tries to convince herself that it's a good idea, and then goes to get another beer. That way she can say to Santos, "I was drunk when I thought up this crazy scheme!" and he will automatically forgive her.
Meanwhile, back at the Mode cafeteria, Betty asks Charlie what kind of art she does. Charlie says it's mostly jewelry, but that she also likes to work with found objects. Oh, she's one of those. The only thing she's found in New York, however, are hypodermic needles and condoms. Charlie confesses that she finds the city a little scary. Betty tells her that most people feel that way at first, but that once they get past the crowds and the traffic and the occasional mystery smell you can't get out of your hair, it's not so bad. Charlie sniffs her hair. Tool. This is prompt enough for Betty to invite her to the Stella McCartney party. She notes that it's a VIP invite, and Charlie says that she's never even been an IP. Oh man. No wonder Henry likes Betty so much. And speaking of Henry, he comes up to the table just as Betty and Charlie are feeling the lettering on the invite. Awkward! Charlie hugs Henry, and Betty finally realizes what's up. And then Henry and Charlie continue to hug for an extended length of time, which seems rude even if you're not doing it in front of your former and possibly future love interest. Commercials.
When we return, we are in the office of Alexis Meade, which was formerly the office of Bradford Meade. Alexis, who has a half-eaten burger on her desk, stares off into space. Enter Wili, who notes that Alexis doesn't have a lunch date. Alexis says that there's no time, she's been so busy, etc., and Wili just gives her a look like, "Bitch, give it up." Wili is good at that look. Wili tells Alexis that she has two tickets to The Flying Dutchman at the Met, and was hoping the two of them could have a girls' night out, starting with drinks at the St. Regis. Alexis starts to smile, and then looks sad. Wili asks what's wrong, and Alexis says that it's complicated coming back from the dead. Wili says, "Please, Donna Karan does it every three years." Ha! Alexis didn't expect her old friends to be so unforgiving. Wili tells her that she doesn't have to apologize for who she is. Alexis says that now her friends don't want anything to do with her, and Wili says to hell with them; one good friend is all she needs. Well then, Alexis had better stop wasting time talking to Wilhelmina and find one.
Meanwhile, Betty walks up to the reception desk. She sees Henry and quickly ducks down and crawls inside the desk enclosure, motioning to Amanda to be quiet. Amanda nods and then says, "Hey, Accountant Man, looking for Betty? She's right here." Betty looks exasperated, and Amanda says, "What? I'm bored." ["Ha, I heard 'What? I'm four,' which works equally well." -- Wing Chun] Henry thanks Betty for getting Charlie to go out tonight, and says that since Charlie's been in town, all he's done with her is ordered in and watched movies in bed. This even gets a look from Amanda. Betty says that it sounds rough, and then says Henry should tell Charlie that Betty will meet her at 7. Henry asks if she's sure this isn't weird for her, given the "thing" between them. Betty says that there is no them, and thus no vibe/feeling/thingy to be felt. Henry looks surprised and maybe a bit hurt at this, but says okay and tells her to have fun at the party. He leaves. Amanda says that she's still bored, and that watching nerd love is tedious. Betty says that there is no love, and that Henry has a girlfriend. A girlfriend, Amanda adds, whom Betty invited to a party, which is pretty pathetic. Betty says that she doesn't want to go to the party, but she's stuck. Amanda says, "Oh grow a pair, Bambi," and tells Betty that it's time for her to seize her inner Mode girl. Mode girls aren't the other woman, they're the only woman. Amanda tells Betty to fight for her little dweeb, and to find this chick's weakness and exploit it. Betty says that's horrible, and Amanda calls her a doormat. Betty says that maybe she's a bigger person than Amanda, before adding, "Don't. It's too obvious." Heh.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Santos has discovered that he's going to see a musical. He says that he's not going, and Hilda tells him that Justin was the one who wanted Santos to go. Santos says that Justin shouldn't even be going to see this stuff, and maybe that's why he is the way he is. Hilda tells him to stop, and notes that he's the one who wants to see more of his son. Santos says that he has some money riding on a basketball game, and suggests that they all ride into the city together on the train, after which Santos will go watch the game at a bar somewhere and pick Hilda and Justin up afterward. He's apparently gone to the same parenting school as Bradford, and they haven't changed the curriculum in thirty years. Hilda says that father/son bonding on the E train is some real quality time.
Meanwhile, Grace Chin is in Daniel's office. And she's hot. Like, Lucy Liu hot. Betty asks why Daniel would ever stand her up, and he says that back in school she was a mess -- braces, glasses, crazy hair. Betty gives him a look, and Daniel says that totally works for some people. Betty is not buying it, and Daniel tells her just to let The Chin in.
Once he has Grace in his office, Daniel hems and haws and then tells Grace that this is awkward. She doesn't seem to think so. Daniel says that he's an idiot. Grace says that she's a Pisces. Daniel asks if there isn't anything they need to discuss before they talk about Bradford's case, and Grace says that she charges by the hour, calling him Mr. Meade. Daniel asks if she doesn't remember, and she just gives him a puzzled look. Daniel then asks why would she remember, because they've never met, and she continues to look puzzled. Daniel, on the other hand, looks relieved. Grace says that she's looked over the case, and that Daniel did the right thing by calling her because she's the only one who can win it. Daniel says that's great, and asks if she'll take the case, but she says there's not a chance in hell. And you know why? Yeah, the Sigma Phi New Year's party. Grace says that Cindy Howard used the virgin line with everyone, and Daniel says that he's heard. Grace stands up and gets all in Daniel's personal space, saying that she was so excited about her date with Daniel Meade, but ended up back in her dorm room playing Wolfenstein all night long. She really gets in his face, saying, "Wolfenstein, Wolfenstein, Wolfenstein," and then adds that, thanks to him, 1995 started with a bang. Or, should she say, without one. This one's a real wit. Daniel tries to play the "I'm a jerk" card, but Grace says that it's too little too late, and that she only came there because she wanted to see the look on his face when she rejected him. He should have said he was drunk! Daniel says that this isn't about him, it's about his father, and asks if there is anything he can do to make it up to Grace. She just looks at him in a way that suggests, "Maybe, but it will involve nipple clamps."
Meanwhile, Christina is freaking out. Every vendor in the city is closed due to the snowstorm. Marc notes that she needs fabric for the Sarah Jessica Parker dress, and Christina says that word has gotten around. Marc takes one look at her sketches and shoots them all down. Christina tells him that he's the one gay she doesn't like, and that he should piss off, because he's confusing her. Marc says that he's saving her, and suggests that she "repurpose" some fabric that's lying around the closet. Christina says that she can't -- it's Sarah Jessica Parker, and if Christina uses fabric from another designer, (a) she'll know; and (b) it will singe her flesh. Finally, Joan Rivers would not be the only one to look like a burn victim on the red carpet. Marc says that they need to think outside the box, and Christina is all, "'We'?" Marc says that sometimes it's good to be on a team, and scurries off.
Outside, Betty and Charlie are heading to the party. Charlie asks if the subway is really the safest way to go. Betty says that it's perfectly safe -- plus, all the cabs are off-duty. Charlie asks about the mole people, and Betty says that they're just misunderstood. Charlie doesn't know why Henry wants to live in the city, and says that they need accountants in Tucson, too. Betty says that maybe Henry has bigger dreams than that. Nice one.
In the subway, Betty gives a dollar to a bucket drummer, and Charlie says that's nice, but wonders if Betty doesn't think that he'll go spend it on crack. Betty looks over, and suddenly it's a dreadlocked Amanda playing the drums. She says it's lovely that Henry's girlfriend thinks Betty's nice, and then advises Betty to hit her. Heh. Charlie asks if Betty's seeing someone, and Betty says that she just broke up with someone. Charlie says that it's his loss, and that she's sure Betty will find someone soon. Suddenly, another phantom Amanda skates by and says that Betty did have someone and Charlie stole him. She tells Betty to push Stevie Nicks in front of the train. That would be a lot of diaphanous scarf roadkill on the tracks. As the subway comes and the crowd starts to push, Charlie freaks out and tells Betty not to let go of her hand. A threesome of phantom Amandas tell Betty that this is her chance to lose Charlie, and that soon she'll be on the bus to Tucson. And then Betty actually does it! The subway doors close and Charlie's inside while Betty's still out. Charlie freaks out, and Betty runs alongside the subway yelling for Charlie to get off at the stop and come back. Dreadlocked Phantom Amanda comes up to Betty and compliments her on her bitch move as we head to commercials.
When we return, Henry is in the subway station with Betty, and notes that he can't get Charlie on her cell phone because there's no signal. Betty suggests trying a slimy nearby payphone, but that doesn't pan out either. And now she has flesh-eating bacteria. Bye, hand! Henry asks how this could have happened, and Betty says that it was kindasorta an accident. Henry shudders to think of Charlie on the subway alone when she is already terrified of New York. Betty is totally full of remorse and says that she's sorry. When Henry tells her that it's not her fault, Betty totally cops to losing Charlie on purpose. So much for the inner bitch.
Meanwhile, Alexis and Wilhelmina, due to some weather-related incident with their driver, enter what appears to be a sports bar. Wili promises that they won't miss the curtain at the Met, but Alexis looks kind of happy and says that she used to come to places like this...before. I should mention that Wilhelmina is wearing an all-white ensemble with a giant white furry hat. It's like what Tyra Banks would wear if she went undercover as a Russian for her talk show. Alexis suggests having a drink while they wait, and offers Wili a peanut. Wili says "no thank you," and that she's a bit put off by the band-aid in the bowl. Eeesh. Suddenly, Wili is hit in the giant fur hat with a basketball. A group of cheesy-looking guys, headed up by one Mr. Jerry O'Connell-Romijn-Stamos, yell that they're sorry. Alexis tosses the ball back, and then confirms with Wili that she threw it like a girl.
Cut back to Hilda, Santos, and Justin on the subway. An upset Justin notes the time, and Hilda promises that they'll get there for the overture. Justin says that he appreciates the effort, but that everyone knows there's no overture in Hairspray. Santos cracks wise about "everyone" knowing that, and Hilda asks him if there's something he wants to tell his son. Just as he is about to tie Britney for the title of Deadbeat Parent of the Year, the lights flicker and the subway comes to a halt. In total darkness, we hear a sad Justin whimper, "Why, God?"
Back at the Mode office, Marc has brought Christina staples, bubble wrap, and coffee filters. Christina says that he was supposed to be looking for fabric. Marc tells her that there was none in the building, but that she should think Project Runway -- "Those people made dresses out of corn husks!" Marc puts some cone filters on his boobs and says that if he told her they were from Paris, Christina would pay $1,000 for them. Christina wants to call and say she can't do the dress, but Marc tells her that she can't. Sarah Jessica Parker is the holy grail of fashion, and besides, Marc wants to meet her husband, "Ferris Bueller Parker." He wraps Christina in packing materials and yells, "Make it work!" HA! We then get a delightful "Christina and Marc make a dress for Sarah Jessica Parker out of magazine clippings and toenail shavings" montage to the tune of "Superfreak."
Back in his office, Daniel is on the phone with a restaurant bemoaning the fact that they are closed due to the weather. He says he wants a table for two with candles and flowers, and doesn't even need a waiter. He tries the "This is Daniel Meade!" bit, which gets him a big fat hang-up. Grace Chin walks in and says that Daniel should have used her name. Daniel thanks her for meeting him, and she asks what the big surprise is. He says that he was planning an amazing dinner for the two of them at Babbo. She asks if he's blowing her off again, and he says that it's the fault of the blizzard. Daniel says that he wants to give her the New Year's Eve they never had, and she says then maybe she could stand outside for hours and cry icicle tears. She's been working on that line for twelve years, and that's the best she could come up with? I would have gone for a swift knee to the crotch myself. Daniel says that he has party hats and noisemakers and a gift basket from Paul Smith, and that the two of them can have a lot of fun right there in his office. Grace asks if Daniel really thought it was going to be that easy, and tells him that she wasn't the only one he hurt in college. She pulls out a set of file folders and asks him if he remembers Julie Dwyer. He doesn't. Grace says that Julie now has a husband, two children, and a dog...in her mind, because she's in a mental institution. Well, no wonder Daniel stood her up. Grace asks whether the name Sarah Hayden rings a bell, noting that Sarah now has the largest Indigo Girls fan site on the internet. Well, she's closer to fine than that Julie character, at least. Grace says that if Daniel wants her even to consider taking his father's case, he has to apologize to every girl that he hurt in college: "Oh yeah. The Chin's all about justice." Commercials.
When we return, Marc swears to Wilhelmina on the phone that the town car will be there in fifteen minutes, as Christina fits him with the Sarah Jessica Parker clippings and bubble wrap dress. Wili asks if Christina is on their team, and Marc says that they're "besties." Wili tells him that he and Christina should be braiding each other's hair before the night's over. She hangs up and looks around, only to notice that Alexis is playing one of those basketball games with Jerry O'Connell and crew. Jerry says that this is his lucky night: if there were no blizzard, he'd be back home on Staten Island rather than hanging out with her. Alexis smiles tentatively, and Jerry introduces himself as Joel. He asks if he can buy her a cocktail. Alexis looks over at a scowling Wilhelmina and says that she won't be staying very long, because her friend has tickets to the opera. Joel says that sucks, and Alexis agrees. Joel suggests one more game of Super Shot before she leaves. Alexis makes yet another basket. Because, you know, a real girl couldn't do that. Wili comes over and says that the town car is on its way. Joel asks if they've met, and Wili tells him that they're not even meeting now; she tells Alexis that they'll wait outside. Say what you will, but Wilhelmina has some good people instincts. She pulls Alexis away, but Alexis asks if Wili wants to skip the Met and stay there. Wili does not, and says that it was supposed to be girls' night. Alexis asks if girls' night isn't all about meeting guys. No, that's called "meeting guys night." Or, "Friday happy hour, with cleavage." Alexis says that Joel is cute, and that he has friends, and Wili says "Dear God" in a way that implies that she'd rather have sex with Sam the Bald Eagle. Joel offers her the basketball, which Wili takes and throws with some serious venom. Joel and his friends laugh until Wili gives them the death glare. I want Wili's death glare, even more than I want her shoes.
Back on the Suarez subway, Justin says that it's one minute before curtain, and that this is the worst thing that's ever happened, and he's not exaggerating. See, this is the time when you skip the musical and take your kid to see the frozen homeless crack addicts under the bridge. Instead, Hilda says that Justin knows the musical inside and out, so he isn't really going to miss anything. Justin brats that Santos doesn't know the musical, and then tells Santos that he's sorry. Santos says that he'll live. Justin then gets an idea, and sets the scene for Santos and the rest of the subway. He proceeds to sing "Good Morning Baltimore" to the amusement of some, the bewilderment of others, and the scowling glares of the homophobic and evil. Hilda tells Justin not to dance near the guy with the hand in his coat. Santos just looks embarrassed.
Back at the subway of the ditching, Betty still clearly feels bad. Henry says that he doesn't understand, and then asks if something happened between Betty and Charlie. She says no, and he continues to ask questions, including whether Betty doesn't like Charlie. She says she does like Charlie, but confesses that she likes Henry, too. He asks why Betty didn't tell him, and she asks why he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend. Henry says that it was because she had a boyfriend, and Betty tells him that she broke up with Walter for him. Henry is shocked.
Meanwhile, Daniel is on the phone apologizing. To the nurse at Julie Dwyer's mental hospital. Grace hands him another file, noting that he actually sounds sincere, and would do anything for his father. Daniel says that it's not as if he doesn't regret some of the things he's done in his life. Grace then slowly says that his sadness is kind of a turn-on, jumps on his lap, and plants one on him. She adds that The Chin likes remorse, and rips open his shirt. Even hotter than having sweet love in your office with the formerly ugly but now smokin' girl that you once stood up is having sweet love with someone who refers to herself in the third person. Trust me on that one. As Grace and Daniel go at it, a voice on the other end of the phone receiver -- which Daniel has hastily put down in the name of getting some -- asks if anyone is there. Turns out it's Becks, and that Daniel has just been calling him the whole time. The fact that it got him laid overrules the morally questionable part of it. Becks hears moans and decides to stay on the line because he's creepy like that. But you know you'd do it too. Commercials.
We return to the skanky sports bar. Wili stomps over to Alexis, who is watching a basketball game with Joel, and says that their car is there. Alexis asks if Wili would hate her if she didn't go, and says that opera is totally wasted on her. Wili is pissed. She glares at Joel and leaves. Right after she does, Joel gets out a pen and slides a napkin over to Alexis. He wants her number. Alexis smiles coyly, and soft music plays as she writes down her digits. As soon as Joel has it in his hands, he yells, "Got it!" His buddies cheer him. Alexis asks what's going on, and Joel says that his friends bet him he didn't have "the stones" to get her phone number. He then says, "I don't live in a cave, dude": he knows exactly who she is, and he doesn't hit on freaks. And I mean...he lives on Staten Island -- it's either freaks or the ferry driver. Wili comes up and tells Joel to pardon her, since she was rude not to introduce herself to Joel earlier. She then punches him straight out. See, it is the evil within that truly makes Wili so awesome. Wili says that's what friends are for. She keeps smilin' and keeps shinin' as she and Alexis exit the bar.
Meanwhile, back on the subway, Justin is continuing the story of Tracy, which he calls "way satisfying." A grouchy and possibly diseased guy tells Justin that maybe everyone has had enough. He then adds, "Fairy," which causes Hilda to jump up. She's about to take him, but Santos steps up and approaches the guy. He asks if the guy has something to say to him. In real life, this is when the dude would pull a knife. However, in the land of fiction, the formerly homophobic father who has come to embrace his son's differences is king. Santos tells the guy that Justin is going to finish telling him about "the Hairspray," and when he's done, the guy is going to clap. The guy scowls, but the rest of the subway claps. Yay! Santos goes back to Justin and tells him to keep going, because he wants to find out what happens to Tracy. He tells Justin that he's right -- it's way satisfying. Just like embracing your son's differences!
From this happy scenario, we are taken to the sadness that is Wili and Alexis in a limo. Wili tells Alexis to let it go, because two weeks ago Jerry O'Connell wasn't even walking upright. Heh. Alexis says sadly that she had all kinds of ideas about what things would be like when she came back, but that people are kind of awful. Wili tells her not to forget that there are some people who have been good to her. Hmmm, I wonder who she's talking about. Maybe someone named...Philomena Blater? Alexis says that Wili has been good to her, and then pauses and adds, "And so has Daniel." Uh oh. Alexis thought that Daniel would reject her as Bradford did -- but he didn't. Wili asks if Alexis is going to fire Daniel and make her editor-in-chief. Alexis says that Daniel is her brother, and Wilhelmina says that he's the enemy. Alexis doesn't feel the same way. She says that Wilhelmina's the best creative director in the business, and that they can talk about salary. Trust me when I say that Wilhelmina doesn't want to talk about any damn salary. Wili tells the driver to stop the car, and then turns to Alexis and says that she might be new to being a woman, but that she's an old pro at being a bitch. That's no way to win friends, is it?
Meanwhile, Betty gets a pretzel. Henry wants to talk to her. He ends up paying for her pretzel and starts to blather about mustard before Betty turns to him and says that she didn't break up with Walter because of him. She wasn't in love with Walter anymore. She doesn't know why she blamed it on Henry. Henry looks kind of sad, but says that if she didn't love Walter, she did the right thing. He adds that the timing sucks. Doesn't it always? Henry says that now Betty will probably meet someone new, who will see how wonderful and caring and beautiful she is. The two lean into one another and their lips seem juuuuuuust about to graze as we head to commercials. Curses!
We return to Betty and Henry, their lips ever closer, as Betty asks if this is a good idea. Henry says no, but looks like he wants to plant a big wet one on her anyway. And you know it would be wet, too. But before he gets a chance, Charlie comes running into the middle of everything. Everyone is kind of sad that she found her way back. An exhilarated Charlie says that the subway ride rocked, and that people in the city are so nice. Yes, that's right: Charlie hearts New York. She's staying and wants to try to make it work. That's what you call a plan backfiring. And on Betty's first attempt at being evil, too! The world is just not fair. Charlie says that it was like fate separated them, and Betty says that fate is awesome. She gives Charlie and Henry the invites to the Stella McCartney party and heads home. Aw, man.
Meanwhile, Christina and Marc have fashioned the clippings-and-bubble wrap dress. Marc says that it's amazing what Christina can do when she's sober, and that Sarah Jessica is going to love it. And really, given some of the stuff that woman shows up to awards shows in, you can never tell. Interrupting this feel-good moment is none other than Wilhelmina. She starts to tell the two of them about Alexis's betrayal and the need for a new plan. Christina tries to slink off, but Wili asks where she thinks she's going. Christina says that she's not one of Wilhelmina's flying monkeys. Wili says that Sarah Jessica Parker wouldn't even know Christina's name if Wili hadn't put her in the show at Fashion Week, and tells Christina not to cross her, because she'll lose. Seriously, I think Wilhelmina might have premenstrual dysphoric disorder or something.
Back in Daniel's office, The Chin, basking in afterglow, wants to talk about Bradford's case. A friend at the DA's office told her that the case against Bradford isn't as strong as everyone is making it out to be. That Jack McCoy really gets loose lips after a glass or two of scotch. The evidence is circumstantial, there's no motive, and they can't track down their star witness -- the person's a ghost. Turns out a couple of other witnesses claimed to have seen a blue Aston Martin stopped on the other side of the road. Oh, you don't say? This person probably saw the whole accident, but they've had no luck tracking him -- OR HER -- down. Daniel looks worried.
Cut to prison, where Claire is having a visit with Bradford. He asks why she would tell Betty that she killed Fey Sommers. Claire says that their family is falling apart, and that he shouldn't blame her. Bradford says that Claire was supposed to stay quiet and let him handle things, and she quite astutely points out that that got him nowhere, except pinned under a guy named Loaf who likes to make the tattoo of a dwarf on his bicep dance. Claire says that she's turning herself in, and leaves. Bradford says "Claire" a bunch of times.
Meanwhile, as Christina is packing up the SJP dress, she gets a phone call. She tells Marc that it was Sarah Jessica Parker's people, and he guesses correctly that they're going with another designer. He adds that Wilhelmina works quickly, and says with some kindness in his voice that "it gets easier." He then fields a call from Count Bitchula herself as Christina looks sad.
And then, there is a montage. Claire, in her blue Aston Martin, pulls up in front of the house. Daniel is waiting there, and the two exchange serious looks. Wili and her furry hat walk together down the snowy street looking sad. Betty and her puffy jacket do the same thing as we fade to black.