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Papa Meade is in jail, and Alex/is is at Mode. Daniel tries to go about business as usual, but Alex/is pulls out a charter stating that if Bradford dies or became incapacitated (or incarcerated, as it were), Alex is in charge. Alex/is immediately names Wilhelmina Editor-in-Chief and fires Daniel. Daniel, however, gets an injunction that halts the takeover for a week or so. A pissed Wili storms out. She attempts to bond with her cleaning lady, but really can't stand being away from the office, so she spies via Mark and a hidden-camera orchid. Eventually, she just can't overcome her sense of professional responsibility. And really, at least someone at that magazine has one. Claire, meanwhile, is extremely excited about having both of her children back. Daniel thinks she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown and has Betty take her to a spa for the day. The two bond, hatching a plan to get Daniel and Alex/is -- who argue publicly and pettily at a press conference -- to reunite. It involves Coney Island and bumper cars. The two brothers bump and argue and bump and argue, and Alex/is finally tells Daniel that their father said that if he went through with the sex change, he'd lose everything, and that Bradford would rather he be dead. Alex/is thinks Daniel is just like their father, and Alex/is didn't want to be rejected twice. It's sad. The two eventually decide to try to work together, much to Wilhelmina's chagrin. In other news, Henry asks Betty to see Wicked, and they agree to go as friends. Just in time, however, Betty and Walter break up (with Walter getting a job transfer to boot). Just when it seems that these star-crossed lovers will finally get their day, Henry's ex-girlfriend shows up so the two can try to reconcile. Betty is sad, but not as sad as when she drops off a credit card to a wasted Claire at her hotel room, and finds out that it was Claire who killed Fey Sommers. Good times! Also, a kid at Justin's calls Hilda a slut, and Justin shows that you don't mess with a queen. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Betty had sushi with Henry, which Walter discovered and was upset about. Wilhelmina prepared, through the culmination of her schemes with the Bandage Lady (who turned out to be Daniel's brother, Alex Meade, with a sex change), to become Editor-in-Chief ofModeand fire a whole bunch of people. Daniel asked Claire if she thought Bradford was capable of murder, and she said that he was capable of anything. And the aforementioned sex-changed Alex/Alexis announced her arrival quite splashily on the runway at Fashion Week, just before Bradford was hauled off to the big house.
Tim Gunn is on Fashion TV, pronouncing, "Scandal and sex change and murder, oh my!" For some reason, those words sound really natural coming out of his mouth in that formation. Tim explains that Alex Meade, long thought dead, reappeared at Mode's Top Ten To Watch fashion show...as a she. Before we see footage of Rebecca Romijn's Alexis, we see a family portrait that includes the previously Y-chromosome carrying Alex. The best thing about the portrait is that Daniel looks like such a tool. I think he might be wearing a sweater vest. No wonder people doubt his ability to run a fashion magazine. The Suarez family is watching all of this on TV, and Betty says that she can't believe this is happening to people she knows. Hilda says she heard a rumor that they keep "it" in a jar. That would be some kind of weird tchotchke for your mantle, I'll tell you that much. Tim Gunn adds that nobody was more surprised to see the alive and gender-reassigned Alexis Meade -- "looking stunning in a fabulous leather and organza gown," ha! -- than Papa Meade. I can't believe this is the second Tim Gunn cameo and there still was no "Where's Andrae?" or "Carry on." I feel cheated. Ignacio says that he wants to get the whole situation straight, and asks Betty if her boss's brother wears women's clothes. Betty says that no, that's a transvestite, whereas Alexis is a transsexual. She pulls out a pamphlet from, like, the Human Rights Campaign or something, and reads: "Transsexuals have surgery to reassign themselves to the opposite sex." Ignacio replies, "Ouch." Seriously, though, this show kind of rules. How often do you see transsexuals anywhere? And no, Top Model doesn't count. Tim Gunn says that Papa Meade was carted off to the big house for the murder of Fey Sommers, who looked an awful lot like Anna Wintour. Ignacio comments that Alexis's hands are too small to belong to a man, and Hilda instructs Betty to find out where she gets her nails done. I'm guessing not the Giant Man Claw Salon, where Hilda has all her beauty needs met. Betty says that she's not even sure what she's supposed to be doing, and that she assumes that you still go to work when the president of your company is arrested for murder. I'd actually like to try that scenario out. Anyone want to volunteer to drop off a mysterious package to the police for me? Betty tries to go out the door, and who should be standing there but Walter, with a donut. Like, put that shit in a bag, sticky hands. Betty says that it's not a good time. Walter goes in for a kiss, and Betty totally gives him the cheek. That's how it all started with Reese and Ryan. Walter says that he has some other news, but Betty just brushes him off. Ignacio -- perhaps the only member of the family aside from Justin in possession of some manners -- consoles Walter by telling him that Betty has a lot going on. On TV, Tim Gunn goes on to say there's speculation that it was none other than Alexis Meade who provided the evidence to put Bradford away, and...
...we cut to Wilhelmina, who's also watching Fashion TV while stirring an espresso. Tim Gunn says that no one knows which side Daniel is going to fall on. Probably the side of "Kind of dumb until Betty sets him straight," as usual. Tim says that this brings us to the all-important question: what's going to happen at Mode? Wilhelmina, with a fresh box of business cards that read "Editor-in-Chief," thinks she knows.
Cut to a pair of sexy legs walking into the Meade building as The Waitresses' gem "I Know What Boys Like" plays. Photographers snap her and reporters hound her with questions like "What breast size did you go with?" She doesn't speak until one asks her how it feels to be back at Meade Publications, and she replies, "Fan-freakin'-tastic." She steps into the elevator, and soon afterward an unwitting Betty rushes in. Betty looks up, realizes whom she's standing to, and gives one of those Betty-charmingly-freaking-out faces.
Cut to the big house. Bradford is on one side of plexiglass holding a phone, Daniel on the other. Bradford makes some sort of joke about jail being just like the Club, which I suspect is a euphemism for "I have been made the primary bitch of some huge guy named Bruno, and my ass is really sore." Bradford asks Daniel how his mother is doing, and Daniel says he wouldn't know because Claire spent the whole weekend with Alex. Well, if I were in the same situation, I would want to hang with my child who I thought was dead, too. Stop being so judgy, Daniel. Bradford says that they have to fight Alex, and that as long as Bradford's in the big house it's all up to Daniel. Daniel says that he's talked to their lawyers, and that the prosecution has some pretty strong evidence -- phone logs, emails, Fey's car. Bradford asks if Daniel believes that Bradford's innocent, and Daniel says, "I want to." Awkward!
Meanwhile, back in the elevator, Betty can't stop staring at Alexis's rack, which is, in all fairness, right at Betty's eye level. And kind of extraordinary. After a few awkward moments, Betty introduces herself. Alexis already knows who she is. Betty peeks around at Alexis's butt, and Alexis says, "Let's cut to it: they softened the jaw, slimmed the nose, lowered the hairline, shaved the Adam's apple, and then there are the implants -- cheeks, breasts, ass." She says that she'll spare Betty the graphic details, but confirms that they do not, in fact, save "it" in a jar. Betty awkwardly says that's good to know, and Alexis kind of smiles. She adds, as Betty looks at a patch on her arm, that she hasn't given up smoking. It's a hormone patch so that her moustache doesn't grow back. Betty enthusiastically asks where she got it, because Betty has to bleach all the time and it's such a pain. Ha! Alexis is totally going to love Betty, just like the rest of us do.
Meanwhile, the Mode receptionists are dealing with all the calls about the scandal. Amanda asks whether the person she's talking to has any job openings. Betty runs after Daniel, saying that the Times called for a quote, Dr. Phil called offering his services, and E! called wanting to do a reality show about the Meade family. Daniel tells Betty to tell them all no, and then orders Betty to call a staff meeting for 11:00 to actually, you know, talk about work stuff. They're way behind on the swimsuit issue. Betty nods, and then comments that Daniel's sister is in the building if Daniel wants to see her. Daniel is all, "I don't have a sister," like, get an original retort for once, toolshed. He asks for lots of coffee.
And Betty's quest for coffee provides the perfect setting for her to run into Henry! He says that you know it's bad when paparazzi are stalking accountants. Betty says that they were following her, too, and thought her glasses and nose were a disguise. Aw. Henry says that he likes Betty's glasses and nose. Henry also has a soft spot for girls who look like they're wearing Nixon masks. And then, Henry asks if Betty has any interest in going to see Wicked with him the night. Betty asks how he knew that she wanted to go, and he notes that she was singing "Popular" in the elevator, and then started talking about how much she wanted to go see it. Subtle! Betty says that she relates to the whole green girl/feeling like an outsider thing, and would love to go see the show with him. He says that it's a date, and then Betty has to go into the whole "But Walter" speech. Henry says that he hadn't heard her mention Walter in a while, and Betty says that it's complicated. She says that maybe she and Henry can still go as friends. Henry says he guesses they can do that, and then, as he walks off, fake-enthusiastically grumbles, "Great! Another friend."
Meanwhile, Wilhelmina is taking the Polaroids off of her "out" wall. Marc enters and announces that word of the takeover has coursed through the office; he presents her with a bouquet and card from someone named Leslie. Wili says that if Leslie wanted to suck up, she should have done her research and known that Wili hates peonies. Marc trashes the bouquet, and then asks Wili why Daniel still gets to call meetings, since they're in power. Wili says, "Relax, Evita. In due time." Betty would make a pretty good Che, no? Also, two showtunes references in the first eight minutes of the episode makes a pretty strong case for this being the gayest show on TV.
Back in his office, an emotional Daniel is reading The National Examiner article about Alex's death. Betty comes in to let him know that everyone's in the conference room waiting for him.
At the meeting, Daniel tells everyone that he knows the fax machine has been working overtime sending out résumés, but that everything at Meade Publications is going to go on the same as usual. You know, except for the jailbird father and tranny brother come back from the dead. Amanda whispers to Marc that she thought Wilhelmina was in charge, and that she sent her peonies. Marc tells her he switched Amanda's card with Leslie's: "You're welcome." People start twittering during Daniel's spiel, and it is of course because Alexis is standing right behind him. She says, "Awwww, little Danny's running a meeting," and remarks patronizingly on how cute that is. Daniel says that this is a meeting for Mode employees only, and that his dead brother doesn't fall into that category. Alexis says that's where Daniel's wrong, and whips out a charter stating that in the event of the death or incapacitation of Bradford Meade, control of Meade Publications goes to Alex. Alexis says that it's a shame Bradford never got around to updating the charter, and that he must not have felt there was anyone he could trust. Well, he would have been right on that count. To show how serious she is, Alexis names Wilhelmina Editor-in-Chief. Wilhelmina acts insincerely shocked, then insincerely says that she's as shocked as everyone else is. Alexis announces that Daniel is fired. He looks around kind of stupidly -- like, what, he thought she was going to hang around and darn socks? -- as we head to commercials.
When we return, Daniel has just finished talking to a little pack of lawyers. Betty pops in to see how it went, and Daniel says that he and Betty are not going anywhere. The charter gives control to Alex Meade, and technically Alex is dead, so Daniel says this means that they can challenge the entire document. Betty asks if that's all they've got. Daniel says that the eldest son is now the eldest daughter, which is also questionable. Betty says that she's going to start packing. Daniel says that they're just buying time, and that, in a week, Bradford will be out of jail and Alexis will be out of their lives. Betty says that Daniel might consider being on Alexis's side if she does end up in power. Daniel says that Alexis fired him, and Betty reminds him that she fired Hilda, and that families forgive each other. Daniel says that their families are very different. Betty gives him a manila folder full of research on transsexualism, along with a copy of The Renee Richards Story and Tootsie, which she explains isn't relevant, but is a good film nonetheless. Daniel says that he wants to make it clear that he has no interest in understanding Alexis Meade.
Marc walks with Wilhelmina and her handful of Polaroids, and notes that Styles wants to know what she thought of the tankinis for the swimsuit issue. She says that she thinks there's a lesbian water polo team somewhere who will love them. Haaaaaaaaa. Wilhelmina fires someone, and then Marc notes that Anna Wintour called back and wants to have lunch. Wili says that she left that message in 1998, and to tell Anna that she's busy. And again, haaaaaaaaa! There are more firings until Marc and Wili run into Alexis, who tells them that Daniel got an injunction and the takeover's been halted. She says that it will never hold up in court, and that they should be back on track in about a week. Wili is fuming. She says that she's not going back to being Daniel's creative director -- she worked too hard to get to the top. Alexis quite astutely notes that she was at the top for an hour. Wili says that they can all see how well the magazine will run without her, and emphatically states that her gold pumps will not see the floor of this building until she rules the magazine once again. She storms off, and Alexis notes to Marc that she's a little dramatic.
Suddenly, Ignacio is in the Mode office, and notes how white it is in there. He tells Betty that he wanted to get there before Walter did. Betty has mild panic about the fact that Walter is coming. Ignacio says that Walter was offered a promotion to assistant manager at Pro Buy, but that he is going to turn down the job. The reason? The position is in Maryland, and Betty is in New York. Betty says that Walter shouldn't turn down that kind of an opportunity for her, and that they'll work it out. Ignacio tells Betty that if she's not in love with Walter, she can't keep stringing him along. Unless she's willing to stand in front of a priest with him, she needs to let him go. Really, this one's kind of a no-brainer. Betty thanks Ignacio for coming by, and he whips out a camera and says that he was also hoping to get a glimpse of the she-male. What is with the Suarez family and their cameras?
Back at the Suarez house, Hilda is doing the hair of one of those creepy life-size Barbie heads. Except it's not even Barbie; it's, like, the dollar-store version of Barbie. Like, "Cut N' Curl Binny," or something. Santos comes in with Justin in tow, the latter looking awfully beat up. Santos says that the school called him because Justin got in a fight. Hilda asks why they didn't call her, and Justin sassily says that Santos is his father and that they can call him if they want to. Hilda says, "Ay dios mio," which I totally called last episode, and asks who did that to Justin. Justin, carrying a color guard flag, runs up to his room as Hilda and Santos exchange a concerned slash puzzled look. Maybe someone made a remark about his flagpole?
Back at the office, Claire has come to see Daniel. Betty asks if she can help her, and Claire asks who she is. Betty says that she's Daniel's assistant, and Claire says that she's Daniel's mother, and therefore wins. Claire enters Daniel's office and says that she's enjoying the glorious day. Daniel notes with concern that Claire looks really happy, and asks if she's aware of what's happened to the family over the last few days. The woman's been drunk for twenty years. The probable answer to that is "No." She pulls out two dresses she bought for Alexis, one of which, she says, will really show off Alexis's boobs. Daniel asks if Claire's on pills, and if he needs to call a sponsor. He sternly comments that Bradford is in prison, and that Claire hasn't even been to see him. Now that's kind of cold. Claire says that Bradford won't be in there long, since he didn't do what he's accused of. She asks if Daniel is free, because she wants to take both of her children to lunch. Daniel tells her to stop acting like it's Easter when her family is falling apart. Claire says that her family is coming together. The child she buried and grieved over for the past two years is alive, and Claire doesn't care what he -- or she -- came back as. See, Claire is kind of awesome. She should have a deep understanding of all these issues after mothering Danny Pintauro for so many years.
Daniel tells Betty to cancel all of his appointments, because he has to take his mother to a spa; he thinks she's having a nervous breakdown. ["And what better place to go, in that case, than a facility full of pointy nail scissors and hot stones?" -- Wing Chun] Betty says that she looks fine. Daniel says that her crazy is on a time release, and that after Alex's death, Claire spent three days planning a dinner party, and then excused herself in the middle of the main course and took a whole bottle of pills. Betty spies Walter entering the building, and quickly offers to take Claire to the spa herself. She hurries Claire along and says that they can take the stairs to get out the toxins. Claire says that she likes her toxins with two olives. Judith Light rules, man. Walter just misses Betty, and then announces to Daniel that he has a coupon for the baked potato bar -- two for the price of one! Daniel lets Walter down gently by noting that he had a potato for breakfast. That, in a nutshell, is Walter's life. Commercials.
When we return, Betty and Claire are in robes at the spa. Claire says that it's ridiculous -- one DUI, a couple of OD's, and showing up naked at a garden party, and suddenly everyone treats you like a child. Betty, holding a bottle of mouthwash, says that Daniel just wanted to make sure that Claire can't hurt herself. Claire grabs the bottle and asks what Betty would do to stop her if she wanted to drink it. Betty bats the bottle to the floor. Claire: "Not bad." Betty has killer reflexes. Betty asks if Claire comes to spas a lot, and infers from Claire's casual disrobing that the answer is yes. She averts her eyes and starts talking about how she's really excited to be at the spa, and how Walter showed up at work, but that she thinks she has to break up with him, but she's not really the type because she's a green girl. Claire says that she's in the tub, so Betty can stop babbling.
And then, we're at Wili's apartment. She opens the fridge, which contains a jar of capers, a jar of cocktail onions, and a jar of caviar. She grabs the caviar and starts eating it with her finger. A larger woman comes out of another room, much to Wili's shock. It is Evelyn, her cleaning lady of thirteen years, whom she has never met. Wili says that it's nice to put a face with the burrito wrapper left on her counter. Heh. Also: mmm, burrito. Evelyn asks what Wilhelmina is doing home in the middle of the day, and Wili says that she took the afternoon off. Evelyn says that women like them never take the afternoon off, because their careers always come first. Wili says that maybe women like them need to learn that there's more to life than work, and offers Evelyn some caviar. For a while, I totally thought that this subplot was going to transition either into some weird road-buddy Thelma & Louise-esque thing, or improbable lesbian love. Either way, I was pretty excited.
Back in Queens, Santos and Hilda discuss Justin. Santos thinks he's a big queen, and that's why he's getting beat up; Hilda just wants Justin to be who he is and gives Santos the absentee-father runaround; Santos says that whether Hilda likes it or not, Justin asked him to pick him up from school today; Santos asks for a beer. You know, pretty much their same old routine.
Back at the spa, Claire bathes in rose petals, and Betty bathes in mud with mitts on her hands. Betty's phone goes off, and the ringer is totally "La Cucaracha." See, she's just asking for all those Juan Valdez jokes now. Claire asks if she passed out in a Mexican whorehouse again. Betty, with the aforementioned mitts, asks if Claire can check her phone, since it might be Daniel. Claire stands right up, giving Betty a glimpse of her backside, and says that it's a guy with no chin and permanent bedhead. Betty says that's Walter. Claire reports that he says he has a big surprise for Betty, and then there's what looks to be a smiley face. I love how Claire is both shocked and horrified at the text message smiley face. Betty says that he likes to do that, and also to make a clown face out of the "a" in Walter. Claire deadpans, "Hot." The phone goes off again, and Claire says that Walter is a pain in the ass and that Betty should break up with him already. Voicing the opinions of millions, is Claire. Betty says it's not that easy, because Walter loves her. Claire says that, according to his latest message, Walter "wuvs" her." She asks why Betty's holding on to him, and threatens to stand up again unless Betty gives her an answer. Betty says that before her mom died, she told Betty that the most important thing in life is to find someone who loves you. And when you do, you should hold on to him no matter what, because in the end that's what really matters. Oh, that is so sad. Claire says that if Betty's mother were here right now, all she'd want to know is that Betty is happy. And Betty is not happy right now. I love how Claire and Betty are bonding! Claire breaks up this Hallmark moment by saying that she has to pee, and then standing up again.
Back in the entryway of the Meade Publications building, Alexis has called a press conference. She assures the reporters that the injunction is just a stalling tactic, and that, within a week, she'll be in control of Meade Publications. Daniel walks in and loudly says that isn't true. Alexis introduces her brother "Danny," and notes that people might remember him from his recent humiliation by Sofia Reyes. Daniel says that when it comes to family humiliations, he'll take his over hers. He then notes that his name is actually Daniel, all the while calling Alexis "Alex." Tricky with the power play, isn't he? Alexis tells "Danny" that this has been fun, but that if he has more to say, he should call his own press conference. She starts to go on about the future of Meade Publications, and then Daniel takes a trash can, sets it on its side, and steps up on it. He actually has to do that to be anywhere near as tall as Alexis. Seriously, he's like a munchkin. He says that he is calling his own press conference right now, and that anyone who comes over to his side gets to see a photo of Alexis with a whole lot of chest hair. They all defect and Daniel cackles.
Back at the spa, Claire is telling Betty all about the good times at their family cottage, when Alex would take Daniel out on the lake then push him out of the boat and make him swim back to shore. In January. Which resulted in the loss of one of Daniel's toes. Claire laughs at all the good times. This is why being the younger sibling often sucks. Claire says that, no matter what torture Alex devised, Daniel always looked up to him. I should mention that Claire is getting what looks like a very relaxing massage while Betty is getting beat on by a refugee from the Eastern Bloc. Claire asks how bad it is between Daniel and Alexis. Betty starts to say that it's not too bad, but then admits that it's like Cain and Abel. If Abel were a woman. Who used to be a man. Claire says that, believe it or not, there was a time when the Meades used to be a real family. Every birthday, the kids would drag their parents to Coney Island. Claire always hoped that they'd want to do something much more civilized, like a pheasant hunt, but now she would do anything for bumper cars and corn dogs. Betty says that it might not be too late to fix this, and that Alexis and Daniel have one thing in common: they both care about Claire. Or at least think that she's completely volatile and liable to do something to harm herself.
Back at Wili's, Evelyn is sitting on the couch eating popcorn and explaining the plot on the telenovela -- the stripper used to be a nun, and now she's pregnant with the butcher's baby, but doesn't know that the butcher is her second cousin. Wili says that it's a story as old as time. She calls Marc, and says that she's in hell, asking where they are in putting the book together. Marc says that he thought she didn't care, and Wili says that was before she had to watch Mork & Mindy in Spanish. She wants to know every detail of what's going on. Marc asks why Wili doesn't just come down there, and Wili says that she made a dramatic exit and can't just come back. It's true. Once two colleagues of mine had a heated meeting and one stormed out, only to have to return to get her keys. It really takes the sting out. Wili then cryptically says that she can be there without actually being there, and instructs Marc to turn the orchid on his desk clockwise. Turns out there's a hidden camera in it. The woman thinks of everything!
Back at the dueling press conferences, Daniel says that nothing's going to change at Meade, nor at its flagship, Mode. Contrariwise, Alexis says that there will be extensive changes at both Meade and Mode. Daniel says that people who aren't in power can't make decisions, and Alexis says that people who are only playing at being in power should go back to throwing a football and whoring around. I'd play at being in power just so I could go back to that lifestyle. Daniel asks if everyone's really going to listen to someone who wet his bed until he was fifteen. He gets a shoe thrown at him, and then Alexis charges and yells at him to shut up. Daniel tells Alexis to shut up. She shoves him, and he says that's not fair because he can't hit a girl. Alexis says that in that case, he'll just have to hit himself. She grabs his hand and smacks his face with it, saying, "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" It's all kind of hilarious. In the nick of time, Betty comes in and tells them both to stop it. She pulls them aside, and they start doing a "He started it!" "She started it!" thing and begin pushing each other. Betty yells at them to stop it and says that this is serious: Claire is missing. There is doom-infused music and the siblings exchange serious looks as we head to commercials.
When we return, Daniel has just gotten off of the phone with Claire's psychiatrist, who hasn't seen her. Daniel says that he'll go look for her. Alexis says that she's going to go, and Daniel asks since when Alexis cares about Claire. Alexis says that she loves Claire, and that Claire is the one person Alexis actually missed. Daniel retorts that nothing says "I love you" like faking your own death. Good point, there. Betty intervenes, telling the two of them to work together. She says that, at the spa, Claire kept saying that she wanted to go back to happier times, and asks if there was anywhere special they used to go when they were younger. Both Daniel and Alexis think hard, and Daniel says that Claire used to like taking them to clothing museums when they were younger. Alexis says, "Those were stores, dumb-ass!" Maybe Alexis really should be running Meade Publications. Betty implores them to think about happy times like, say, where they used to go for their birthdays. Finally, Daniel mentions Coney Island, and the two hem and haw about it before Betty tells them that that's it, and also that they're really bad at figuring stuff out. Seriously, that's a spawn of the wealthy brain trust on par with the Hiltons.
Back at the Suarez house, Hilda yells to Justin to come downstairs, and gets the soundtrack to Annie in response. Santos says something tells him that Justin isn't going to knock someone up on his prom night. And that's disappointing? Santos has some whack priorities. Hilda and Santos get on the "letting him be who he wants to be/my son is a flamer" debate again. Santos says that by toughening him up and not letting him be on the color guard or in The Music Man, they're being good parents and protecting Justin. This debate is interrupted by a knock at the door. Hilda opens it to find a fat woman and her fat child. The woman says, "You must be the mother," and then says that Justin beat up her Bobby. To which...well done, Justin! That kid is huge!
Back at Mode, Marc carries the orchid around, asking how long Wili has been spying on him; he asks with panic if she has an orchid in the stairwell. Wili tells him not to worry, because she doesn't find him nearly as interesting as he finds himself. Marc makes a quick turn and rethinks his path, but Wili tells him to stop and retrace his steps. There are people dancing. Wili asks if she sees a party hat, and then asks, with horror, "Are you people celebrating a birthday?" Marc tries to rationalize, but Wili says that birthday parties are the gateway to Secret Santas and casual Fridays. She does have a point, and plus, what is worse than an office party? A woman comes up to Marc and dances with a piece of cake, saying, "Ding dong the witch is gone, we can finally have cake!" Wili yells, "It's for your own good, you dump truck." Ha! I am totally calling people "dump truck" behind their backs from now on. Or in front of their faces if I really hate them. Marc goes to Daniel's office, but he isn't there. Wili asks to be taken to Alexis, but Marc says that she left an hour ago. Wili yells that there are deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, and asks who is running this magazine? Like, for reals, man. Say what you want about Wili, but I think that she's the only one who (a) actually knows what she's doing; (b) works.
Then, we are at Coney Island. Daniel, Alexis and Betty spot Claire riding around by herself in the bumper cars. Someone tells their kid to stay away from the crazy lady. It's seriously like Rich People Gone Wild. Betty tells Alexis and Daniel that she thinks Claire wants them to go in and get her, and they oblige like the half-witted lemmings that they in fact might be. Daniel tells Claire to leave the bumper cars, and they can all go to a clothing museum, and Alexis turns to him and says, "Seriously, you are such an idiot." Heh. They drive up to Claire, and she tells them to talk to each other. They realize that they've been set up, and threaten to leave. Just in time, Betty bumps them. That woman can drive a bumper car. She says that they're not going anywhere, and that she can bump them all night long. All night. All night. Once you get started you can't sit down, you know. Commercials.
When we return, Wili has returned to the Mode office to get the issue completed. Marc asks her if this is so that she can make a big entrance while Daniel and Alexis are gone, and play the hero, but she says that, believe it or not, not everything is about her. She asks a crowd of people if they're all faxing résumés, and Amanda answers no as she eats a piece of paper. Wili tells everyone that it's time to stop worrying about the future, and that they need to focus on the present. She adds that Mode magazine did not become #1 by honoring people's personal lives. She hopes that everyone enjoyed the cake, because it will be their last meal until the swimsuit issue is up to the magazine's standards. Amanda gives an amen, Wilhelmina glares at her, and everyone grudgingly scurries back to work.
Back at the Suarez house, Fat Mom says that Justin started the fight by pulling Bobby's hair and scratching him. She tells Bobby to show them the marks. Bobby starts to pull up his shirt, and Santos quickly says that they don't need to see them. Hilda says that Justin wouldn't do that unless he was provoked. Fat Mom says that Bobby didn't do anything to deserve getting beaten up, and so what if he called Hilda a slut mom? D'oh! Fat Mom says that she's sure Bobby's not the first. Santos asks what kind of kid talks like that, and Fat Mom asks if you can blame him: "Look at her." It might be true that Hilda's bra is visible at all times. I'm just saying. Santos says that the boys will stay away from each other, and that's the end of the story. Fat Mom comes up to Hilda and says that she's a mother, and should start looking like it. Hilda says that Fat Mom is a woman, and should start looking like that. Justin gives a "Snap!" As they leave, Bobby can't stop looking at Hilda's rack. That kid is a dead ringer for Augustus Gloop. Justin asks if Hilda is mad at him. Santos says that he's proud of Justin for defending his mother, but that they're going to have to talk about the scratching and hair-pulling.
Meanwhile, Daniel and Alexis are bumping the hell out of each other. Daniel says that Alexis put the family through hell, and asks why she didn't tell him what she was going through. She says that she needed a new life, and that not all of them were born with the lives they were supposed to have. Daniel says that they got new lives full of grief and rehab. Alexis says that she didn't think she'd ever see them again, but then Fey died and she realized she had a chance to get back at Bradford. Daniel asks what Alexis had to get back at Bradford for: Alexis was the golden child; Bradford worshiped her. Or, him, at the time. Bradford was with Alex all the time at Boy Scouts, football games, etc. Alexis tells Daniel that Bradford figured it out, which kind of shuts Daniel up a little. He thought tossing a ball at Alex would change things. When Alex finally told Bradford what he was going to do, Bradford told him that if he went through with it, he'd lose everything -- the company, the money, and the family. And then, to make the message clear, he told Alex that he'd rather that Alex were dead. Too busy for Parenting 101, was old Bradford. Everyone looks really sad. Daniel asks why Alexis didn't tell him, and Alexis says that he's just like Bradford, and that she didn't want to be rejected twice. She leaves, and Claire says that she guesses this was a mistake. But an awfully Afterschool Special-esque one! We all have something to learn from it, don't we? Just like when that girl on the swim team started doing cocaine! Anyway. Commercials.
Betty and Daniel ride home. Daniel asks how Alexis could say that Daniel's like their father; Daniel insists that they're nothing alike. Betty says that it's been a long time and that people change; maybe Alexis doesn't know who Daniel is anymore. Daniel says that he would have been there for Alex. Betty says that of course he would -- Alex is, or was, Daniel's brother. And it's not too late to prove to "him" that Daniel's going to be there for "her." Betty then asks if they can pick a pronoun and stick to it. They pull up to Betty's house, and Walter is waiting outside. She suggests that they go back to Coney Island to get some hot dogs, but Daniel tells her that it's a lot harder avoiding people than it is facing them.
Betty and Walter have a heart-to-heart. She apologizes for being such a bum girlfriend. He says it's okay, and she says it's not okay. She then starts to give the "Walter, you've meant so much to me" speech. He lays a kiss on her. She asks what that was about, and he says that he wanted one last kiss before they ended this. He says that he's not stupid, and has known for a while that he was losing her, but just kept hoping. See, Walter isn't such a bad guy. He's just clueless and a pretty huge dork. Ringing endorsement, I know. Make that your Match.com profile tag, honey. He tells Betty that he took the job in Maryland, and that he's going to miss her. She says that she knows he won't believe her, but that she's really going to miss him too. And who will Ignacio play dominoes with? That's the real crime here.
Fade to Henry leaving a Wicked t-shirt on Betty's desk. Good call, because Betty is totally the girl who wears the concert t-shirt to the concert, you know? He puts a sticky note on it that reads, "Can't wait, green girl." It's kind of insulting and kind of sweet all at once! It looks as if the star-crossed lovers are finally going to get their day! OR ARE THEY? Henry, all smiles, is about to get on the elevator. It opens, and a woman's voice says, "Hi, Henry!" He says, "Oh my God," and asks what she's doing there. We don't see her face, but pan down to see a suitcase in her hand. D'oh!
It is the morning. Hilda comes out in a dumpy sweater to take Justin to school. He is all, "WTF, mom?" She says that she's trying something new, and he tells her that it's hideous. You guessed it -- Hilda is trying to look more mom-appropriate and less like a MILF. Justin tells her that she's the mom who always tells him to be who he is and not care what other people think. She asks if Justin really doesn't care how she dresses. He tells her that he's not crazy about the animal prints and that she's a little overaccessorized, but that she has her own style, and that's cool. Hilda whips off the sweater to reveal a typical tarty Hilda top, and all is well again.
Betty comes into the office and sees the shirt Henry left her. She also sees her computer screen saver featuring her and Walter, and changes it to a Microsoft-issue sunset. Daniel comes in and tells her that he needs her to run his credit card over to Claire at the Four Seasons -- she went a little nuts on her spree and wore out the magnetic strip on her own card. She asks if she should go right now, and Daniel says that it's a good idea, given the fact that Claire is trying to buy breakfast with a bracelet. On her way out, Betty runs into Henry. He says that he has the tickets, and she goes on and on about how excited she is, and then notes that Henry gave her both. He looks very serious, and says that last night a friend from home showed up. And that friend is, in fact, his ex-girlfriend, with whom he reconnected after Christmas. It felt like old times, blah blah blah, and she came to New York to try to make it work. And, Henry adds, Betty is with Walter. Oooooooooh! Foiled. Henry tells Betty that she and Walter can go to the show, and to have fun. Betty sadly says that they will. It's just like David and Maddie on Moonlighting! Will they or won't they, will they or won't they? My guess is that they will, and that it will be the hottest dork-sex you've ever seen. But for now, it is only sadness. ["Good day for Justin, though, since I presume that's who'll get the second ticket." -- Wing Chun]
Daniel walks into the Mode conference room to find Alexis looking at the details of their fight on the society page. She says that it wasn't their finest moment; Daniel agrees. Alexis asks where they stand. Daniel says that no matter how this turns out, Meade Publications is still a family company. Which, if you ask me, would be better run by Wilhelmina. Daniel says that maybe it wouldn't kill them to work together. Alexis says that she's up for it, as long as Daniel stops staring at her boobs. He says that he's actually staring at her Adam's apple, and compliments her on the nice work. As they shake hands, we pan to an orchid sitting just outside the room's glass wall. Wili is watching it all on her computer at home. Evelyn looks over her shoulder and asks what show it is; Wili says it's called Wilhelmina Got Screwed. A lot of people would totally pay $5.99 for that on pay-per-view.
Cut to the Four Seasons, where an already drunk Claire opens the door to her room and notes that Betty isn't room service. Betty hands over the credit card from Daniel, and Claire says that he's a good boy. She then confirms that he's the one who's still a boy, and offers Betty a bloody mary. Betty notes that it's 10:00 AM, and Claire says that she's right, and that it's time to move on to martinis. That is a woman after my own heart. Betty asks why Claire is staying at a hotel room -- one that looks a lot like how I imagine Anna Nicole Smith's death scene, I might add. But nicer. Claire says that her house is empty, and that a house is not supposed to be empty. Betty says that it's just temporary, and that Bradford will be out soon. Claire cryptically says, "Maybe. Maybe not." Betty says that Bradford is not a murderer, and Claire says that she knows. And why does she know? Because she knows who killed Fey Sommers. And do you know who killed Fey Sommers? Well, according to Claire, she did. Betty gets a look of concern that screams "accessory to murder" or "withholding evidence," gulps down a martini, and we fade to black.