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It's Fashion Week! And a lot of shit is going down. First, Betty gets a rousing case of sisterly envy as the unemployed Hilda provides some extra help for the Mode show. She fears that everyone will love Hilda more than they do her, which kind of totally happens. Except with Henry -- who finally asks Betty why she never called him back after the holiday party, adding more fuel to Betty's "I Hate Hilda" fire. Meanwhile, Daniel's testosterone-fueled friend, Bad News Becks, rolls into town and tries to coerce him back into his womanizing ways. Daniel gives some speech about how he's changed, until he sets eyes on the hottest girl in the room -- who also happens to be the brother he thought was dead but actually had a sex change. It's all very Young And The Restless. Alex/Alexis pretends to be an old girlfriend of Alex's, just to scope out what Daniel really thought of Alex. And then Alexis confesses who she really is, which traumatizes Daniel for a number of reasons. I can't tell which of "We thought you were dead for two years" or "I totally wanted to bang you" is the biggest one. The PTSS totally sets him off the edge, and he ends up making out with Hilda -- who, incidentally, has been fired by Betty. And then, it happens: Wilhelmina puts Alexis as the last model in Christina's show. Just as Bradford is about to announce to the public that he's handing over Meade Publications to Daniel, Alexis grabs the mic and is all, "I'm your dead son with a sex change, bitch!" Kind of a spotlight-grabbing maneuver, but it works, and cops instantly swarm Bradford and arrest him for the murder of Fey Sommers. Christina realizes her role in the whole mess and is upset. Meanwhile, Ignacio has to fight off the advances of his needy and recently dumped sex predator of an INS worker, Marc almost has to hump a lady to get her skirt, Katharine McPhee and Tim Gunn star as themselves, and Wilhelmina learns first-hand about the dangers of injecting duck semen into the delicate area around the eyes. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Hilda neglected to tell Betty that her future boyfriend Henry called to clear up a misunderstanding involving him kissing a model at the Mode Christmas party, thus earning the ire of a lot of folks who really, really want to see those two together. Ignacio gave Constance, his INS worker, a bedazzled mug, and she was verily moved. Christina sold her soul to the devil. Okay, to Wilhelmina. Close enough. Daniel told Betty that he didn't think of his brother, Alex, as being gone. And there's good reason for that -- he's not. Rather, he's now a lady, and a hot one at that. Let the shenanigans begin!
Hey, a stripper! At first I thought it was going to be Alex/is and I got all excited. Rather, it's the telenovela that a cookie-dough gnawing Hilda is watching while sitting in her bathrobe. Betty hurriedly enters the kitchen, gets a beep, clicks her ear, and says, "Betty Suarez!" Ignacio says that he knows, because he named her. Betty pulls away her hair to reveal an earpiece, and says that it's for Fashion Week. Things have been crazy because Daniel's in charge of the Mode show. Betty tells the person on the phone that Daniel asked for black tablecloths. When the person asks what color napkins to use, Betty is at a loss until Justin calmly tells her to get silver, because black will make them pop. If there were no child labor laws, Justin would make a really good assistant to Daniel Meade. Ignacio asks what Fashion Week is. An annoyed Justin says that it's only the most important event in the industry, when the buyers get their first look at the fall lines. He asks Ignacio if he's going to have to explain couture again. Ignacio asks him not to. Oh my God, it has all become clear to me now. Justin should totally replace Jay Manuel on America's Top Model.
Meanwhile, Hilda watches TV. She loudly says that the formerly observed stripper got a job right away. Yesterday she was a nun, and today she's wearing pasties. Hilda, wearing pasties as a matter of course, really has no place to go at this point. Betty tells Hilda that she'll get a job, and Hilda asks if they need any help at Mode. Betty says that she really wants to help, but that they're filled up. Ignacio quietly asks Betty if there isn't anything Hilda could do, and Betty says that they can't work together, reminding him of the Lemon Ice King disaster. Ignacio says that it was a long time ago and wasn't her fault, to which Betty replies that Hilda refused to wear a hair net, some guy choked on her bobby pin, and Betty was the one who got fired. Sounds about right. Betty says that she loves Hilda, but that it's not a good fit. She gets another call and whispers to Justin that it's Victoria Beckham. Justin says, "You're talking to Posh?" and Betty says that she's talking to people who talk to Posh. I think that actually sounds better than talking to Posh directly. She kind of scares me. Justin dreamily says that Betty rules. Indeed.
Meanwhile, Daniel walks into Bradford's office. Bradford is pouring a scotch. I love how rich business moguls always have, like, tons of liquor in crystal decanters right out in the open in their office, but I kept one very minimal nip collection in my file drawer and got written up. It's so unfair. Bradford wants to talk to Daniel, and Daniel immediately assumes that he's in for a lecture. Braford says that he's been thinking about Alex. Daniel asks if this is when Bradford tells Daniel what a disappointment he is and how Daniel could never fill Alex's shoes. Honey, if you want to try the four-inch stilettos, you go for it. But Bradford says that Alex died two years ago, and that this is about Daniel. He's really proven himself over the past few months, and one day Meade Publications is going to be in his hands. Daniel is all, "Yeah, right, old man," but Bradford says that he means it, and that, after tomorrow's show at Fashion Week, he's going to announce his intentions to the press. Daniel is finally a little grateful. I mean, geez, if my fuck-up son got all defensive like that when I was trying to do something nice for him, I'd probably reconsider. Bradford says, "I'm proud of you, son." Why do rich business moguls always call their sons "son"? ["They never learned the kids' names from their nannies?" -- Wing Chun]
Some half-naked boys pop up on a website entitled "Island Boys Cruise." Some are wearing sailor hats, which leads me to believe that Cher will be performing. We are, of course, at Marc's computer. Amanda pops over his monitor and asks how he's planning on booking a cruise when he can't even afford to cruise the bathroom on the seventeenth floor. I merely thought that was because the price paid in crabs was much too high. Marc says that he has some money coming in. Amanda suspiciously asks where from, and Marc guardedly says that it's none of her business and tells her to go away, noting that there's probably someone with a cold sore she should be making fun of. But Amanda wears him down, and Marc says that, every year there's one hot item that comes out of Fashion Week. "Hello wide belt 2006," says Amanda, stroking her own wide belt. Ew, that sounded dirty. Marc asks if she's noticed how, every year, "Eternal 18" has an exact knockoff mere days later, and then asks, "Who do you think tips them off for a big old bag o' caaaaaaaaaaash?" Amanda angrily says that Marc has been selling his integrity to some tacky mall store before saying that it's genius and that she wants in. Marc pushes her off his lap and says, "Forget it, Clyde, find your own criminal activity." That line killed me.
And then, there is some Gina Gershon to be had. Marc says, "Crazy in roadkill, two o'clock." It's Fabia, in a leopard-print dress with a yellow fur leopard-print coat. Marc tries to stop Fabia from entering Wilhelmina's office, to no avail. She enters and says that she loves Wili's assistant: "I have the same one in beige." Wili says she's surprised to see Fabia, given that she can usually smell her from the lobby. Fabia says that, given that she's donated $20,000 worth of cosmetics for the Mode show gift bags, she thought Wili could at least take her to lunch. Wili says she'd love to, but that she can't. She's swamped, and she's also getting a promotion. She says that Fabia is looking at the soon-to-be-crowned Editor-In-Chief of Mode. Spilling the beans a little early, there, aren't we? Fabia looks in another direction and screams at a dress that's hanging on a headless mannequin. Maybe Fabia's having a flashback of eating the mannequin's head? Maybe Gina Gershon is reminiscing about her own performance in Showgirls? We may never know. Fabia asks if the dress is "Eduardo." Wili says it is, and that she's wearing it to the Mode show. Fabia freaks out: Eduardo promised the dress to her, and she even made a matching ensemble for her little Chihuahua. Awwww, doggie. You know, I have to say that, for me, Gina Gershon has been coasting on a lot of goodwill from Bound, but I finally have to admit that she might just be kind of terrible. Wili suggests that Fabia call up Eduardo and see if she can get another one, and Fabia asks if they're supposed to be the older, bitchier, mixed-race version of the Olsen twins. (I added some of those adjectives.) Fabia says that maybe it will look better on a plus-sized figure anyway. Heh. Wili says, "Silly little delusional Fabia," adding that she's sure Fabia and her little bitch will look fabulous in anything. She looks at Fabia's face and says that it's flawless; she then looks closer and says it really is flawless. She asks who did Fabia's eyes -- was it Shapiro? Fabia says that she's had no work done. Wili says that there's enough leftover skin from Fabia's surgeries to make a bed for her cat. There's something about the specificity of that that just really grosses me out. Fabia says that it's not surgery, it's duck sauce. To be more specific, it's the sauce from a man duck. Yes, that sauce. There's a Dr. Wong on Spring Street who gives Fabia man duck injections, and poof! Ten years gone. She tells Wili that she can look sixty-five again, which is in fact a great line worthy of The Golden Girls. Wili says that, as lovely as that sounds, she's a few years away from "having a duck quack off" in her face. Insert Ted joke here. Fabia says, "Whatever you say. Goodbye...Wrinklemina." Once she's gone, Wili immediately calls for Marc, who is already on Dr. Wong. Not literally, though.
And then, there's Betty, who holds up a giant t-shirt Amanda just gave her. Betty says that she thinks she ordered a smaller size. Amanda: "For who?" Henry appears behind Betty and says that she could wash it...a few thousand times. The two are all awkward introductions. Henry says that he hears Betty's working on the Mode show, and that they must have been impressed by the way she pulled off the Christmas party. Awkward segue into Henry saying that he actually wants to talk to her about that. D'oh! And then we hear a loud, grating "Betty?" Hilda comes running in, all excited. Betty asks what Hilda's doing there, and Hilda says that she's recovering. Oprah told her that she has to take control of her life, and then Dr. Phil told her that she needs to take on a challenge, and then Rachael Ray made a pie. Heh. That is totally the Harpo hierarchy, is it not? In any case, Hilda needs ten copies of her résumé. Um, go to Kinko's. In Queens. Hilda then notices Henry and introduces herself. Henry says that he thinks they spoke on the phone. Betty is all, "Where? When?," but Hilda distracts her by being Hilda. Betty starts giving Hilda a lecture about how this is her job, and Hilda can't just barge in. Hilda then notices Daniel and starts waving. Betty pushes her off to the Xerox machine.
Betty approaches Daniel and asks how the meeting with his father went. Daniel says that Bradford is finally seeing him as a responsible adult. Just then, Daniel is tackled by a handsome guy. Well, this is getting interesting, isn't it? Betty screams for Security, but Daniel says that it's his friend Becks. Betty is all, "Ah, the photojournalist!" and introduces herself. She says that they spoke when he was in Africa, and that she heard lots of growling in the background. Becks says, "Yeah, she and I broke up," and he and Daniel laugh that laugh that guys laugh when they're all gross and testosterone-fueled and think they're being really clever. Like, get a nickname that isn't already taken, loser. Becks gets all close to Betty and says that if Danny ever gives him a hard time, she should let Becks know: he'll take Daniel out back and teach him some manners. Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Betty is all smiley and full of hormone shine. Then her ear phone rings.
Once she's gone, Becks says that the joke's over, and asks who Daniel's real assistant is. Daniel says that Betty's a great girl, and Becks says maybe she is, after about a half-dozen shots. He's so gross. Albeit really cute, I have to admit. Why do those two traits often come in tandem? Becks has brought Daniel a present from Africa -- an oshe shango. And then, there is a really weird cut, where Becks had obviously imparted some wisdom about the oshe shango. The best that Wikipedia could do me is that Shango is a Sky Father and god of thunder, and that his oshe -- a double-headed axe -- represents swift and balanced justice. Ah, and then this: "In one account regarding the oshe shango, the female figure who balances the ax, the sign of Shango's power is equated with the 'caprice and creative experience of human sexuality.' Shango's power is compared to the libidinal drive which may prove dangerous to the possibilities of creative sexual relationships." That makes sense coming from this horny bastard. There is also dancing involved somehow, which makes me hope in vain for a Fashion Week dance-off involving Daniel, Becks, and Alexis. In any case, it was an awkward edit. Daniel asks how Africa was. Becks says that it was totally mind-blowing, with lots of suffering. And, not a hottie to be found. He says that the women there were thin, but sick-thin, and not hot-thin. You know, Sally Struthers infomercial-thin. Not Sally Struthers-thin, which is, in fact, not thin at all. Daniel notes that Becks is culturally sensitive as always, and asks what brings him back. Becks says that it's Fashion Week, also known as the Bootylympics. Daniel says that he can't do that this year -- he's Mode's Editor-In-Chief. Becks says that this is their thing, and that he didn't travel halfway around the world for Daniel to turn into his father. Oh, shut up, Mr. Peer Pressure. Daniel says the good thing is that his father is treating him differently now, and in fact is about to give him the keys to the kingdom. Becks says that Daniel didn't get all tight-assed when Bradford gave him the keys to the Bentley, adding that he knows Daniel's just afraid Becks is going to bag the hottest girl...again. Daniel says that this week isn't about that anymore. He has to keep his eyes on the clothes, not the models wearing them. Becks asks if Daniel pees sitting down now, too. Like Nick Lachey!
Meanwhile, Hilda is back at Betty's desk with a huge stack of résumés. She hit the zero button by accident, twice. She then says, "Oooh, pencils!" and grabs a handful from Betty's holder before Betty makes her put them back. Daniel comes out and asks how Hilda's doing. She tells him that she's just making some copies of her résumé because she needs a job. Daniel says that they can always use some more help for Fashion Week, and tells Betty to hook her up. Hilda is animated and excited. Betty looks like her worst nightmare has come to pass. Betty says that they're not going to work together: Betty will be Hilda's boss. Hilda just laughs. Betty says that she doesn't know if it's a good idea, but Hilda says, "Lemon Ice Sisters, reunited!" It does not feel so good, at least for Betty. Commercials.
When we return, Christina is fitting a model for her show. She is stressed, calls the model a twit, and bemoans the fact that the garment isn't draping. Meanwhile, Betty is lying down and complaining in a very drawn-out fashion that she's had a bad day. Christina tells her to cut to the chase, giving her thirty seconds. Betty says that Daniel hired Hilda to help with Fashion Week, and that Hilda's not going to listen to Betty: she's going to take over like she always does. Christina tells Betty to stop overreacting, and Betty says that Christina obviously never had an older sister. She then gives some anecdotal proof. 1991: Betty wins the science fair; Hilda wins Ms. Junior Teen Queen. Who do you think got a cake? 1994: Betty comes home with straight As; Hilda comes home pregnant. Who do you think got the cake? Well, she was eating for two! Christina asks if this is about cake, and Betty says that it's about the way Hilda always steals Betty's thunder. At Mode, Betty is Betty. Well, actually she's Ugly Betty. Sorry that I had to point that out. Anyway, everywhere else, she's "Hilda's sister." Christina says that Betty was at Mode first, so Hilda will be "Betty's sister" there. Betty likes the sound of that. Meanwhile, Christina thinks her designs are awful. Betty tells her to stop worrying, because she's going to steal the show. Christina says that everything she's ever wanted hinges on a six-minute runway show. Betty tells Christina that she's amazing. Christina says that Betty has to say that, because she's Christina's friend. Betty says that even if that were true, Wilhelmina is not Christina's friend, and wouldn't have chosen her for the show unless she thought Christina had talent. Or, convinced her to do a shady favor in the name of opportunism. One or the other. Christina starts to say, "Wilhelmina picked me because..." but then declines to tell Betty the truth, instead noting that they'll find out soon enough. Indeed!
Meanwhile, Constance the INS worker is going over some paperwork with Ignacio at Casa de Suarez. She hands him two forms to fill out, and he replies that he filled both of them out last week, asking if she didn't turn them in. Constance apologizes, sayin that she's been a bit distracted. Ignacio asks if she's sure that they'll be ready in time for his court date, and Constance says of course she will, she's a professional. Then she starts sobbing. Ignacio reluctantly asks if Constance wants to talk about anything. Constance confesses that she's just been dumped by her dog of a boyfriend, Toussaint. She asks what heartless bastard would do such a thing so close to Valentine's Day, and notes that she already bought Toussaint some chocolates. Something tells me that Constance will find a use for those chocolates. She continues to cry, and Ignacio gives her a colorful Ikea napkin with which to blow her nose. He then tells her that she's a wonderful woman, and will find someone else to give her chocolates to. He gives her a pat on the shoulder and she grabs his hand, asking why all men can't be like him. She then croaks, "Ignaciooooooooooooo." That woman is weird.
Speaking of weird women, Wili and Alex/is are talking on the phone. Wili says that their plan has finally come to fruition: by tomorrow, Daniel and Bradford will be as out as Ugg boots. Alex/is says that she can't wait, and in fact is going to get there a little early. Wili looks alarmed and says that's not what they planned. Alex/is says that she wants to know what the world -- and especially her brother -- thought of Alex Meade. I would venture that now they're thinking he looks unexpectedly hot in lacy underwear. Wili says that it's risky, but Alex/is says that it's worth it. Suddenly, there is a duck quack. Alex/is asks where Wili is, and she says she's getting her teeth cleaned. They do that with duck semen, too? I'd like to see this so-called Dr. Wong's credentials.
And speaking of weird women again, it's time for Betty and Hilda to go to work. Betty is wearing her giant Mode shirt, and Hilda comes bounding down the stairs with an infinitely more flattering, cut-up version. Betty is mad -- ostensibly about the shirt, but really because she's jealous of Hilda and her hotness and her ability to cut a t-shirt which, I can tell you from experience, is actually quite difficult to pull off. She says that Hilda's job is to steam and hang clothes. Hilda asks if they'll pay her in cash, and digs around for her keys. The doorbell rings. When Betty answers it, Justin is there in a really sleek suit holding, Hilda's keys. He says that the two of them are taking him to Fashion Week. There's no argument; he's been waiting for this his whole life. He did his homework, he called in sick to school, and all Hilda has to do is sign a little slip. Hilda starts to resist, but Justin says that he swears he'll run away. He adds emphasis by saying that he knows a kid in sixth grade who sells crack. Oh, don't we all. Betty finally relents and asks why they don't just bring Ignacio too. It's because he doesn't have his green card! Discrimination.
Meanwhile, an alarm rings. A perfectly manicured hand reaches over and turns it off. It is Wilhelmina, wearing a big sleep mask. She reaches over for a mirror (which is placed between her face and the camera), takes off the mask, and lets out a giant scream. Quack quack.
Suddenly, we are reporting live from Fashion Week! Well, we aren't, but Tim Gunn is! Yay, Tim Gunn! He makes note of both the Calvin Klein show and the Mode Designers To Watch show. He then blows an air kiss to Karl Lagerfeld before turning to the camera and saying, "A ponytail at seventy? Brave." If you ask me, Karl Lagerfeld's got bigger problems than the ponytail.
Meanwhile, Daniel is being interviewed, discussing Zac Posen's line. Becks bounds up, gives him a mini-tackle, and starts to talk about getting some tail. He actually uses the word "meow" at one point. Daniel tries to resist his advances. Becks wants Daniel to give him at least an hour, and says that they'll have their usual bet: whoever scores with the hottest girl there wins $1. Daniel says thanks but no thanks, because he's not that guy anymore. Not, that is, until he sees his brother who's had a sex change walk into the tent to the tune of David Bowie's "Fame." Well, that's awkward. Daniel turns to Becks and says, "You're on." Apparently inbreeding is big this year. Commercials.
Betty and Justin enter the tent. Justin says he thinks he's going to pass out. He points out Heidi Klum, and Seal, and Baby Seal. I know there's a clubbing joke to be had here, but I just can't find it. Hilda comes running in with a camera and screams, "Oh my God, J.Lo!" It would have been better had she said, "¡Dios mio!" Betty tells Hilda to give her the camera, and adds that Hilda is supposed to be in the wardrobe tent. Hilda refuses, Betty says that she's Hilda's supervisor, and Hilda threatens to sit on Betty. For some reason, I predict that this theoretical sitting would end in broken glasses. Betty sends Hilda off to steam, and then reminds Justin that he's supposed to stay twenty feet from Naomi Campbell at all times, for his own good.
Cut to an unmasked Wili at her apartment with Marc. She says that she looks like a monster, and then asks Marc how bad it is. Dude, it's pretty bad. It looks like someone tried to brand the top half of her face and/or that she's allergic to bees. Her eyes are almost completely swollen shut. Marc bites his finger and lies that it's not that bad at all. With a little concealer and hemorrhoid cream, she'll be good to go. She says that it's getting worse by the minute and that she can't see a thing. Marc tries to convince her that this is a blessing, because there are all kinds of people at Fashion Week that she doesn't want to see anyway. Wili says that people have to see her, and demands that Marc be at her side at all times, calling him her seeing-eye gay. Some social entrepreneur should really pick up on that concept. She has Marc lead her to the bathroom. Once Wili is in, Marc calls Amanda to enlist her help for the Eternal 18 deal.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Walter and Ignacio are playing dominos. Okay, that's kind of sweet. See, Walter really isn't all bad. He says that Betty has been distant lately, and busy with work. Ignacio notes that it's Fashion Week, where the buyers get their first look at fall couture. Hey, well done! He could pass any citizenship test, anywhere. The doorbell rings. It's Constance, with a big bag of groceries. Ignacio notes that it's not her day to come, and she says that she's not there on business. Ignacio was so sweet to get her mind off of Toussaint that she wants to cook him some gumbo. She meaningfully hands him a big heart-shaped box and says, "Here's his chocolates." Ignacio notes that there are only three left, and Constance says that she doesn't like nuts. For post-gumbo dessert, she has Failure To Launch. Heh. Ignacio tries to protest, saying that he's already eaten, but Constance says that he hasn't had her gumbo. If you ask me, Constance is in the mood for some Mexican tonight. D'oh!
Back at Fashion Week, Daniel gets an eyeful of Becks approaching Alex/is and hightails it toward them. Becks sidles up to Alex/is and asks if she has a quarter, explaining that he told his mother he'd call her when he fell in love. Ah, now Alex Meade gets to experience the joy of crappy pickup lines! One of the many perks -- along with bloating, catcalls, and bikini waxing -- of being a woman. Daniel comes up and says that line is as old as pay phones, and that he thinks Becks dropped his game across the room. Oooh. Good one. Daniel is kind of a tool sometimes. And also, short! Daniel introduces himself to Alex/is and asks if they've met before. Alex/is just gets a coy look and sips her champagne. The more honest response would be "Not since I've had a vagina!"
Back at Casa de Suarez, Walter says, in quiet tones, that if Ignacio doesn't want Constance cooking him lunch, he should tell her. Ignacio says that she's his case worker, and that if he pisses her off he'll end up on the other side of the fence. Constance then calls, "Nacho!" Walter asks about this, and Ignacio says that it's her little pet name for him, and that he thinks Constance wants to eat him. No doubt. Constance comes in and asks where the pepper is, saying that they need something spicy. "Oh wait, here I am!" she says coyly, cracking herself up. Walter suggests that they remind Constance that she works for the government and could lose her job. Ignacio asks if he should make that phone call from Guadalajara. He says that Constance's boyfriend dumped her, and now she wants Ignacio. Walter says that there's only one thing to do: get her back with the boyfriend. Ignacio is understandably daunted by this challenge. Many things about Constance are daunting, it seems.
Back at Fashion Week, Marc leads a giant-sunglass-sporting Wilhelmina around. He points out Fabia. The two women air kiss, and Fabia totally knows that Wili paid a visit to Dr. Wong. She cackles, leaving Wili to hiss, "I'll get you, Fabia...and your little dog, too!" Heh.
Elsewhere, in a tent, Hilda lets some models know about the cons of using Kleenex to stuff your bra. Betty rushes in, pulls Hilda aside, and tells her that the models don't like it when you talk to them. Hilda says that the girl doesn't have any boobs, so Hilda's just giving her some tips so that she doesn't look like a twelve-year-old boy. And as it happens, the models really like Hilda. The boobless one turns to her and says that they're having a party after the show and will put Hilda on the list. Hilda asks if she can bring her sister, and the model pauses with some concern before saying that she can. Betty looks sad and mad at the same time.
Meanwhile, Marc tries to feed Wili a spring roll, to no avail. She says that this is ridiculous -- it's been a few hours and the swelling must have gone down, so she's taking off the glasses. She does, and Marc is all, "Oh, hells no, bitch." She orders him to get her a veil. Oh my God, they're going to get married! Marc's phone rings, and he sends Wili off to talk to a mannequin/bridesmaid. On the phone is Amanda, who has found the "it" item of the week -- a faux rabbit fur micromini at the Betsey Johnson show. Marc takes advantage of how well Wili and the mannequin are hitting it off, and runs off to help Amanda steal it.
At the Mode tent, Betty and Hilda are placing gift bags on seats. Or, rather, Hilda is placing the bags and Betty is re-placing them. Hilda says that first Betty told her that she couldn't steam clothes, and then questioned her ability to hang clothes, and now Hilda can't even place gift bags right. Betty sends Hilda off to get more bags, and Hilda sarcastically says she'll try, but that she hopes she doesn't get lost. Enter Henry, fresh from the Sean John show in the green tent. He has apparently learned how to pop and lock. I know, I know, he's adorable and your panties are all wet just thinking about this moment again. Henry then hands Betty a smaller-sized Mode t-shirt, noting that it might be a little more flattering than the one she got stuck with, not that she doesn't always look good. Betty says a shy thank-you. Henry peeps into the souped-up gift bags and says that he hopes people are declaring their contents on their taxes. That's such a finance guy thing to say! He notes his own dorkitude, and then pops and locks again. Henry then asks Betty why she never called him back after the Christmas party. She, of course, doesn't know what he's talking about, since Hilda sabotaged her one true chance at happiness. She asks where he left the message, and Henry says that he left it at her house, with Hilda. Betty then storms off to, as she says, become an only child. As Tootie would say, Hilda is in trouuuublllllle. Commercials.
When we return, Wili has found a new seeing-eye gay. It's Justin! Someone says hello, and Wili asks if they know who it is. Justin says that it's Kayla Brooks, fashion correspondent for New York One. He adds that she's in a midnight blue Chanel with pewter buttons and navy stockings. Wili asks if it's a mistake, and Justin says, "Colossal, she looks like a mailbox." Ha! Wili says, "You're good, Jason," and Justin replies, "It's Justin, but you can call me whatever you want, I love you." Double ha! Justin is a hag fag. Aren't we all, really?
Meanwhile, Amanda and Marc are plotting about how to get the faux rabbit fur micromini off of the model who insists on still wearing it. Marc asks if he should club her and strip her of it, while Amanda suggests that he drag her into a porta-potty and seduce her out of it. Marc opts for the clubbing. Amanda says, "For God's sake, Dorothy, do you want to go to Mantasy Island or what?" Another line that could be found on The Golden Girls! I like this show more and more every minute. Amanda slaps Marc and tells him to be a man.
We cut back to Hilda, who is doing hair for the Mode show. She ends a story thus: "Well, it was my first time drinking mezcal! I didn't know it was a worm!" I don't even want to know. Betty comes stomping in to ask about the Henry message, and then asks what Hilda is doing. Hilda says that Christina needed help, specifically from someone with a background in big hair, and who knows big hair better than Hilda? Hilda says that she's really liking this, and could maybe turn it into a full-time thing. Betty says that Hilda shouldn't even be there, and grabs a can of hairspray from her hands, saying that Betty will do it. Oh, yeah, Betty's going to do someone's hair. Nice. This is, in fact, exactly what Hilda says, and the two battle with their cans of Aqua Net. Then the model lights a cigarette, and poof! It's Michael Jackson and Pepsi circa 1984 all over again. A quick-thinking staffer throws a blanket on the model's head, thank goodness. Betty takes a deep breath and says that she's had enough, and that The Hilda Show is over. She tells Hilda to go home, because she's fired. Hilda puts one finger in Betty's face, because she will always put her finger in Betty's face, and then turns, grabs her coat, and leaves. The singed model asks if she's done.
And now, back to the almost creepy incest storyline. Daniel chats up Alex/is, asking if she's in the fashion industry. Alex/is says she isn't yet, but that she's hoping to make a big splash. Betty comes running in, obviously frazzled, with a coffee for Daniel. Daniel asks her what's going on, saying that he knows he's dumped a lot on her over the week, but that she's doing a great job. He gives a little pep talk about how awesome she is, and how he's going to make sure that she gets the credit for her great work during Fashion Week. Betty runs off as Daniel goes back to Alex/is, who notes that he's not the Daniel Meade she thought he'd be. Daniel flirtily asks where Alex/is is getting her information from, and Alex/is says that she has a little confession. She starts off with "Your brother..." as tension-filled music fills the air tensely. She then anticlimactically says that she used to date him. Daniel is all, "...Huh."
Meanwhile, Marc and Amanda follow the beskirted model backstage. Amanda tells Marc that he can do this: she's a model, and shiny things confuse her. She unbuttons Marc's skirt a few notches and tells him to flirt with the model -- maybe even kiss her -- and the bunny skirt will hop right off. Marc agrees, adding that if this is anything like his prom night, Amanda's paying for the therapy. Amanda throws Marc behind a rack of clothes with the model and stands guard.
And, back to my brother, my sister, my lover. Alex/is says that the kid brother Alex talked about wouldn't care about the kind of day his assistant was having. Daniel says that things change; people change. And sometimes their bits change with them. Alex/is acknowledges that people change, and calls Daniel "Danny." Daniel gives a quick hello to Tim Gunn, and then tells Alex/is that his brother is the only one who called him Danny. Alex/is asks if Daniel misses his brother. Daniel says that they had a complicated and competitive relationship, and then adds that it might sound a little weird, but that he's a bit relieved finally to be out of Alex's shadow. Dude, that was the wrong thing to say. Alex/is says, "I think you're still standing in it, Danny," and strokes his face. Daniel gets a big boner, which he's totally going to feel creepy about in just a minute. Alex/is says that she's got a little secret for him. We see her lips moving, and Daniel's eyes flickering with comprehension, and then Daniel pulls back and asks what the hell she's talking about. Alex/is tells Daniel to look into her eyes, because that's about the only thing they couldn't change. Daniel asks if Becks put her up to this. Alex/is asks him to remember the time that he went a little crazy with Tia Pattrone in Vegas, and then pulls up her skirt to reveal a tattoo with Tia's name on it. Okay, they gave him a vagina but couldn't do a little tattoo removal? That is cheap. Daniel drops his champagne glass, and Alex/is asks if he's ready for the show. Daniel seems to be hyperventilating -- mostly, I think, because he's excited against his will by this glimpse of Alex/is's thigh. Commercials.
When we return, people are filing in for the Mode show. Bradford asks Betty where Daniel is, noting that he knows how important the event is and should be there. Betty runs off to find him. He is, in fact, walking outside with Alex/is hot on his heels. And, hot on her heels. Daniel asks how Alex/is could do this, and says he can't even look at her. Alex/is says that Daniel doesn't have to look at her, but that she needs him to know why she did this. She says that since she was five, she's felt like she was dropped in the wrong skin, and that this was about correcting a mistake. A big, penis-y, Y-chromosome kind of mistake. She says that she wanted to talk to Daniel before she went through with it, but didn't have the opportunity. She actually looks a little regretful at this. Daniel says that she doesn't know what she put the family through. Their mom had to bury her son and has never recovered. Daniel starts to say, "Our father..." and Alex/is says, "What? Moved on? I've noticed!" Well, that's the kind of price you pay when you fake your own death and get a sex-change operation that puts you in recovery for two years. I'm just saying. Daniel says that they haven't moved on, and that they thought about Alex every single day. He calls her "Alex," and she says, "It's Alexis," before noting that it's really classy to hit on your dead brother's girlfriend. Not half as classy as hitting on your gender-reassigned dead brother!
Meanwhile, Marc incompetently tries to seduce a lady. Just in time, Becks comes in and begins go ogle Amanda. She tells Becks that he doesn't want this slut, because there's a much bigger slut behind the clothes rack, and Amanda wants her skirt. She asks Becks to go get it for her. Marc is relieved to be saved and takes a puff from his inhaler, gasping, "The horror!" And that's the end of that.
Back at the Mode tent, we find Katharine McPhee. Betty bumps into her, and gushes about what a fan she is and how she totally had the McPheever. She introduces herself as Betty Suarez, and asks if Katharine McPhee's seen Daniel. Katharine McPhee asks if Betty is Hilda's sister. Oooh, that is harsh. Katharine McPhee says that Hilda is awesome, and gives Betty a signed CD for her. Betty passes it off to a lackey with instructions to get McPheever.
Daniel sits with a bottle of champagne in his hand. Hilda comes stomping out and tells him to enjoy the show, adding that some people will enjoying it from the unemployment line. Daniel asks why, and Hilda says that her frickin' sister just fired her. Daniel says that his just came back from the dead, and that she's hot. See, really rich people do have worse and weirder problems than the rest of us. Hilda asks what he's talking about, and Daniel says that he's had a bad day. Hilda says that she's had a bad month, grabs the bottle, and starts swigging.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Ignacio has summoned Constance's ex-boyfriend, Toussaint -- who happens to be a cab driver -- to his home. Nice recon work, Nacho! Ignacio says that this is about Constance, and Toussaint asks, with eyes of dread, if she's there -- and if he smells gumbo -- before trying to flee. Ignacio assures him that Constance isn't there before trying the soft sell and asking Toussaint if he really wants to give up all that sweet, spicy love. Toussaint then wisely asks if Constance is Ignacio's case worker. Ignacio asks how he knew, and Toussaint asks how Ignacio thinks the two of them hooked up. He says that this is how she operates: first she starts showing up three times a day, then she starts moving closer and closer, and before you know it, she's crying about the last guy who dumped her. Constance is a sexual predator! Of middle-aged illegal immigrants! Toussaint tells Ignacio that if he wants his green card, he's got to ride that squishy train until he reaches his destination. "Ride that squishy train" is a phrase of almost equal grossness to "moist panties."
Behind the scenes at the Mode show, Christina tries to show a model how to eat dry Cheerios. Wilhelmina, led by Justin, comes in and says she needs to talk to Christina. Christina, stressed, says that she should be back in Scotland knitting tea cozies. Wilhelmina says, "Cool it, Bagpipes," and adds that she picked Christina because of her fresh, new talent. Christina says that Wili picked her because Christina did her a shady favor. Wili says that doesn't mean Christina hasn't worked hard or paid her dues, and then adds that she has one change to the lineup -- she's replacing Christina's final model. For what nefarious purpose I'm sure you can guess.
Meanwhile, Betty rushes outside to find Daniel. She locates him sitting on the ground making out with Hilda. He didn't feel quite right about hooking up with his own sister, so had to do it with Betty's. Nice. Betty looks horrified and Hilda kind of smirks, and Daniel just kind of sits there semi-drunkenly. Commercials.
When we return, Betty asks Hilda what the hell she's doing. Daniel stumbles to get up, and Betty tells him that his father is looking for him, because the show's starting. Daniel bumblingly starts to explain, but then just cuts his losses and goes inside. Betty says that she thought she told Hilda to go home, and Hilda says that she doesn't take orders from Betty anymore, because she was fired. Betty asks if this is Hilda's way of getting back at her, and Hilda puts on lip gloss, snapping, "Hurts, huh?" Betty says that Mode is hers, and that she's not going to let Hilda take it. She asks if Hilda has any idea how difficult it's been to get the people there to remember her name (and not just call her "the dumpy one with bad shoes"), whereas Hilda is everybody's best friend within two minutes. She says that no one has ever paid attention to Betty when Hilda's in the same room. Well, Hilda's pretty. Those are the breaks, kid. Betty says that she secretly loved to see Hilda on the couch eating the cookie dough because, for the first time, Betty was the center of attention, even if she had to sacrifice her cookie dough for it. Hilda sarcastically says that she's glad Betty's in her corner. Betty tells her not to turn everything around to be about herself. Hilda asks if Betty knows how hard it is for her. She says that first impressions are all she's got, so if she doesn't flirt with the boys and joke with the girls, they're going to realize that there's not much behind the tight jeans and the low-cut top. Betty says that is such crap, and Hilda says that it was worth a shot, since Betty had some good stuff. Heh. Hilda asks Betty to give her a break, and says that she's the one with the great job and great boss and cute guy who is totally into her. In the big race, Betty's way ahead. Betty says that there are plenty of things Hilda is good at: for example, the model's hair looked really good before they set it on fire. She says that maybe Hilda could get a real job doing hair. Betty asks Hilda why she didn't tell her that Henry called. Hilda says that she was trying to protect Betty -- she thought that Henry was some big-city guy who might hurt her. She says she should have known that Betty can take care of herself. There is sisterly forgiveness, at least for the Suarez family.
Cut to Christina's line at the Mode show. The Suarez family stands in the back, and Justin says that Christina's show is amazing. Henry waves at Betty, cutely. The final dress -- worn, of course, by Alex/is -- comes down the runway. Good work on the boobs, mystery surgeon! There is a round of applause. The seat to Bradford is conspicuously absent. Wilhelmina stumbles out blindly and says that that was their final designer, Christina McKinney. Christina comes out and takes a bow, and then Wilhelmina calls Bradford up onto the stage. He says that he has an announcement to make about the future of Meade publications. Alex/is walks up and grabs the microphone from his hand, saying that, though she knows this is Mr. Meade's time, she has an announcement to make as well. Daniel looks on with dread. And, probably, some remaining lust that is really freaking him out. Alex/is says that, two years ago, the Meade family lost its son, Alex. Bradford asks what the hell Alex/is is doing. Alex/is gives him the hand, and says that what Mr. Meade doesn't know is that while he may have lost a son, he gained a daughter. There is a big gasp from the crowd, and Daniel just looks sad. She turns to Bradford and says, microphone still up, "Hi, Daddy. I'm back." Bradfor says, "Alex?" She replies, "You can call me Alexis." Marc's and Amanda's mouths drop, and Hilda and Justin take pictures in unison.
Just then, the police rush up on stage and arrest Bradford for the murder of Fey Sommers. Convenient timing, that. Wilhelmina smirks. Think how much more she would enjoy this whole thing if she could actually see! Paparazzi snap Bradford's arrest, and then Alex/is waves goodbye to him and poses for the cameras. Christina turns to Wilhelmina and says that Wilhelmina used her, what with taking the package to the police and all. Um, yeah. I mean, what did she think was happening? Christina runs off, and Wilhelmina yells, "Used you? I made you a star!" But she's saying it to a lackey who has come to collect her mic, unfortunately. (Nice.) Betty goes to Daniel and asks in wonderment if that's Alex. Daniel says yes, and asks her if it's fun having a sister. Fill in the blanks, man.
week: brotherly and sisterly shenanigans! Actual incest unlikely.