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As we start off this episode, everyone is getting laid and is so all happy and stuff. Daniel is gaga over Sofia, who begins feverishly angling for a ring, and a Ted-loving Wilhelmina is relaxed enough to buy into some parable about a roadrunner and armadillo. And to take herself a damn casual day for once in her life. And to tell the lady with all the bandages that she doesn't really care about taking over Meade Publications. I KNOW! Ted should teach classes at the local community college or something. He's good. Meanwhile, Betty takes her post at MYW, where she meets her braceface sweater-vest-loving counterpart and gets assigned her first story, about being a "fish out of water" working at Mode. It's appropriate, because something is definitely fishy at MYW. Betty discovers that Sofia's supposed ex-fiancé, Hunter, is actually a stripper, and that she's been paying him. As she and Christina investigate the situation at Hunter's placer of employment, the words "slapping the bongos" make an appearance. I'm just saying. Betty gets to Daniel too late with this very troubling information, because he has taken Sofia home to meet his crazy yet oddly touching parents (one of whom is, in fact, the boss), and has proposed. The two make an appearance on Rise and Shine America to announce their engagement, and Daniel discovers on-air that Sofia has been using him as a publicity stunt for the cover story of the first MYW: "From fling to ring in 60 days." She, like, totally doesn't even want to marry him, and tells him so. And gives back the ring! On the air! Daniel is sufficiently devastated. And then Ted decides to try to make a go of it with his wife, and the temporarily de-bitched Wilhelmina comes back in full force. I'm sad for her, butâ¦hooray! It's nice to see her back to her old self. Meanwhile, Ignacio is not hauled off by the INS. And Betty predictably quits her job at MYW after Sofia's stunt, but when she goes to see Danielâ¦he's disappeared! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Props to the Golden Globe-winning America Ferrara! No such props to that stupid Menounos bitch.
Previously: the INS came to town to arrest Ignacio for being an illegal immigrant. Texas Ted came to town to arrest Wilhelmina for being so undersexed. Sofia Reyes came to town to arrest Daniel with her smoldering eyes and hot bod, despite the presence of her SUPPOSED fiancé. Oops, spoiler. And while in town, Sofia swooped up Betty for a job at her magazine, MYW, which Betty should be starting right about now!
But...wait! Instead, Betty is feverishly walking down the hallway of a television studio. She walks into the control room and a guy in a headset says, "Whoa, Rhoda...where do you think you're going?" HA! Though I would have gone for "Velma from Scooby Doo." Or Maude, just so I could sing the kicky theme song. But Betty is unfazed, and forcefully says that she needs to talk to Daniel Meade. The guy says that Daniel is on stage, and that they're going to air in less than a minute. Betty says that it's an emergency, and then tells him her name and that she's Sofia Reyes's assistant. The guy says that they have been specifically instructed not to let Betty go anywhere near them. Betty tries to make a break for it and run onto the set, where Sofia and Daniel are snuggling on a couch and getting their makeup touched up. Betty lets out a giant "Adriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"-like scream for Daniel, but Security comes and drags her away. As the door closes, we see it's the stage of a show called Rise And Shine America, and that there's a live taping in progress. Well, this all seems very dramatic, doesn't it?
And then, it is twenty-four hours earlier. We open with Daniel bringing Sofia breakfast in bed. It's a breakfast parfait, which he proudly says he made all by himself. See, this is the first sign that Daniel is completely emasculated. Bring your woman some bacon, heterosexual male! Daniel tells Sofia that there are a lot of layers, and that she has to get through them all, because at the bottom there's a surprise. Sofia gets a funny and excited look in her eye and starts to scarf-ait her parfait. Daniel says that the last two weeks away from Sofia have been impossible, and she says it's been unbearable for her too. She then asks why her yogurt is crunchy, and Daniel says it's the pine nut layer. Because I am allergic to pine nuts, I instantly think that Sofia is going to be allergic to pine nuts and that this episode will culminate with her dying and/or Daniel learning how to wield an Epi-Pen. A note to all of you romantics out there: if you don't know someone all that well, don't put any kind of nut layer in her breakfast. Or clams. Unless it's a big, delicious glass of Clamato Juice. Breakfast of champions! Daniel tells Sofia to promise him that she'll never spend that much time away from him again, and she coyly asks if he's asking her to stick around. He kind of nods. She then asks what the surprise is, and Daniel says, "Papaya!" Ha! Don't feel bad, Sofia, I thought it was a ring, too. Daniel says he cut it into little heart-shaped pieces, and Sofia retorts, "No ring?" Daniel says that they haven't even gone through the steps of love yet. Sofia asks what steps of love he's talking about, and it turns out they're the steps of love that should occur before a couple gets engaged, and are featured in the first chapter of her book. Sofia says that she just wrote that to give the book pizzazz, and then notes that the book is being turned into a movie, and Penélope Cruz is dying to play her. Meta! Daniel asks if the part about wearing each other's underwear for a day is also BS, and Sofia says that she was drunk when she wrote that. I think that's probably true for a lot of self-help and advice books. Daniel says he's glad, because whatever lacy thong of Sofia's he's wearing is riding up. You know he loves it, though. See aforementioned parfait. Sofia tells Daniel to forget about the book, saying that it's right between them and asking if he can feel it. He says that he does feel it, but wants to savor this time, and then leaves. I would want to savor the time when I woke up and Salma Hayek was in my bed, too. Sofia looks perturbed.
And THEN it is Betty's first day on the job at MYW! Where people wear normal clothes! She walks off the elevator and gets a big smile on her face. We hear somebody off-camera sternly say, "You are NOT wearing that sweater vest." Betty braces herself for the insults to which she has become so accustomed. She then turns around and says, "You don't like it?" to a girl who is totally her Caucasian geek twin. Caucasian Geek Twin --whose name is Ruthie, and who is played in a genius fashion by the same woman who plays Amanda -- says that she doesn't like the sweater vest, she LOVES it and almost bought it at Ladies for Less! Oh, Betty has found her people! Betty asks, "40 off?" and is affirmed rather than ridiculed. It's sweet. Ruthie instantly knows that this is Betty and gives her a big welcome, saying that she heard Betty was a total star at Mode. Betty gets modest. Ruthie says she doesn't know how Betty did it, and that her rosacea flares up if she even stops on that floor. Ha! Ruthie walks Betty to her office and says that it's a lot different at MYW, and that she couldn't find a better place to work or a better boss than Sofia. Betty agrees, saying that Sofia is so kind and supportive. We'll see about THAT, won't we? Ruthie will share an office with Betty, and asks her to promise to lend her the sweater vest if she gets a hot date...or any date. This is where Betty should be like, "Yeah, there's this guy Walter I know..." Betty plops into her desk chair and says that she's home as Ruthie kind of creepily pops around the side of her computer and waves. And at this point, I thought the show was going to go all Single White Female on us, which also would have been awesome.
And then, we are back in bed! With Wilhelmina and Ted! Wooo, hot stuff! Wili (I can call her this now that she's been properly laid and is all relaxed) says that she never thought she'd say this, but that she misses Texas. Well, everything's bigger in Texas, or so I've heard. Ted says he was worried about her the first day when she plopped her Jimmy Choos in cow dung, and she says that's not as bad as Ted calling them "Jimmy Poos." Uh...heh? Now I'm starting to get uncomfortable. Go back to being silent and kind of hot in a dirty way, Ted. Speaking of hot, Wili looks amazing, and I covet her lacy purple nightie. Her phone rings, and she says that she guesses it's time to get back to reality. Ted says he wishes she could have some of the calm she had when they were in Texas. He tells her to be a little more armadillo and a little less roadrunner. Those southerners always try to get folksy on your ass, don't they? Wili is all, "Much like Potes, I like you better when you don't talk." Ted explains that the armadillo doesn't move very fast, but gets his stuff done nevertheless and has some time to enjoy the sun. Whereas the roadrunner never stops. He has feathers flying everywhere and is running all over creation, and he doesn't have any fun. What about when he makes an anvil fall on the coyote's head? What then, Ted? That sounds like plenty of fun to me. Wili asks if the dead animals that they saw in the middle of the road were armadillos, and Ted says that he never said they were smart -- just relaxed and happy. I'll take this as foreshadowing. They start smooching, and Wili's phone rings again. She turns it off and chucks it on the floor in favor of some hot lovin'.
Then, there is a woman with Ignacio in the Suarez kitchen. She asks if he has anything to prove that his year of entry into the U.S. was 1977. He's, like, making a cake or something. Take the apron off and talk to the woman like a normal person, man. Ignacio clowns that he thinks he has some ticket stubs to Saturday Night Fever. That's the first thing I would have done upon coming to America as well. Ignacio continues to sass the woman, whose name is Constance, and who does not like to be sassed. And seriously, Constance could take Ignacio. She is a woman of size. Ignacio tries to make the case that he has been living in the States for thirty years and is an American, but Constance has been grilling him for two hours like he's a criminal. Constance says that in the eyes of the ICE (Immigrations and Custom Enforcement), he is, in fact, a criminal, and that Constance is the one thing standing between him and deportation. Well, at least there's a little bit of a buffer, then. She leaves and says she has to go get a smoothie. Seriously, Ignacio, take it easy on the lady. Her job sucks. She hopes that, by the day, Ignacio has found a better attitude, and something to prove his year of entry. She leaves, and he picks up the phone to ask for a new case worker. Oh, I'm sure that's going to go just great.
At the MYW offices, there is a staff meeting. Ruthie notes that Rise And Shine America called, and that they want a copy of the premiere issue before Sofia's appearance the day. Sofia struts around and says that the show can't have the issue until she's decided on the cover, and that she hasn't decided on the cover yet. FOR SOME NEFARIOUS REASON OR ANOTHER. A woman in a wheelchair says that she has some bad news. The freelancer who wrote a story on a female Nascar driver had sold the same thing to Jane two years ago. Oh, Jane. Sofia is outraged, and says that was their fish-out-of-water story. She asks if they have anything else, and Ruthie raises her hand and says she has a friend who can paint with her feet. Sofia asks how that's a fish out of water, and Ruthie mumbles that her friend doesn't have arms. HA! Okay, that cracked me up. Sofia says that they need a socialite in the military or a grandma who bungee-jumps. I've gotta say...I'm down with reinstituting the draft if it means that Paris Hilton might get shipped off somewhere.
Right on cue, Betty runs in, apologizing for being late. Sofia realizes that they have their fish right in front of them. Betty does sort of flap and flounder a lot, it's true. And also, is "a girl like that working at Mode." Sofia introduces Betty to the rest of the staff, and Betty says it's great to be amongst people who actually eat, and also who are of all shapes, colors, sizes and -- motioning at the woman in the wheelchair -- handicaps. Awesome. Even awesomer is that the woman retorts, "Handi-CAPABLE." Sofia then tells Betty that she is their fish, and Betty totally sniffs her armpits covertly. HAAAAAA. Oh, I love this show. Sofia tells Betty that she needs her to quickly write an article about her experience at Mode. She tells her to talk to the people she interacted with, and to get real, honest quotes. Ruthie then adds, in the most hilarious manner, "A normal fish...in shark-infested waters." There's a little bit of Jan Brady in her, it has to be said.
After the meeting ends, Betty pulls Sofia aside. She says that she's not totally comfortable doing the story. She feels like she just graduated from Mode, where she was generally not treated very well (awwwwwwww!), and she doesn't know if she's ready to go back and write about the experience just yet. Sofia tells her that's why she needs to do it: the wounds are fresh, so the article will be raw, real, and honest. And then, Sofia starts to get teary, adding, "...qualities your former boss seems to be lacking." Sofia then runs into Betty's arms and says she thinks she's losing Daniel. Betty says that's crazy, because Daniel loves her, but Sofia says that this is the point when a man breaks down the girl, takes her heart, and squashes it. (She pronounces "squashes" so it rhymes with "lashes.") She says that she thinks she's destined to be another one of Daniel Meade's girls, and then pulls out a photo, and tearily and regretfully says that she left Hunter for Daniel. Now Hunter is back in Europe and won't even talk to her. ALLEGEDLY. I'm just saying. Sofia tells Betty to go up to Mode and write the article, and that this is her big chance. She then collapses on the desk in tears...
...until Betty leaves the room, that is, whereupon Sofia turns it off, laughs, and fixes her mascara. Chew on the fact that Sofia is obviously EVIL as we head to commercials. ["Called it!" -- Wing Chun]
When we return, Betty is in Marc's office. He asks what she's doing there, since he thought she went to work for Feminazi Weekly. Betty tells Marc that she's writing an article about being an outsider at Mode, and wants to interview him. Marc laughs snottily and sarcastically says that, as much as he'd like to, he doesn't have time: Wilhelmina's getting back, and she's always extremely tense after a relaxing vacation. Betty asks for a quick quote about what Marc's first impression of her was, and he mimics being a monster and asks her to waddle off. Betty says that she doesn't know how to quote that, and then Marc says that he was thrilled to have someone else to make fun of behind her back. She also gave Marc a fun hobby -- making Betty Screensavers of Shame. Ha! It's kind of an awesome screensaver. Betty coolly says that they're not quite as flattering as the ones she found of him on DudeCruise.com, but that they're not bad. HAAA! Well done, Betty! Marc tells her not to tell anyone, and erases the photos of her from his computer in exchange. (Also, I love that Betty was browsing around on DudeCruise.com.)
And then...Wilhelmina is coming! The office is in a panic. Marc tells a staff member to cover up her hideous dress, because she knows how Wilhelmina feels about floral prints. He then yells, "MOVE IT, THE SHARK IS IN THE BOX!" as he goes to meet Wilhelmina at the elevator. And then he is entirely surprised to find Wilhelmina looking and feeling good and taking the first casual day of her life. He asks about her jeans, and she happily says that Ted took her to an outlet mall -- which she pronounces in a way that indicates that her mouth is completely unfamiliar with that word combination -- where she shopped to fat people. It's like living with the aborigines for a day, really. She then asks a guy carrying a box with his belongings how his holiday was. He replies that he was sending out résumés, because Wilhelmina fired him at the holiday party. She says, "As if it never happened, Carl," even though he just told her his name is Kevin. This is totally providing lots of fodder for the folks who have been saying for twenty years that Wilhelmina really needed to get laid.
Meanwhile, back at Casa de Suarez, Constance shows up at the door. She tells Ignacio that she heard he asked for a new case worker. She kindly says that maybe this wasn't a good fit, and wishes Ignacio good luck. He thanks her and closes the door. She then knocks furiously and, when he reopens the door, screamingly asks if he's out of his mind, informing him that he can't just get a new case worker, and that she's not a pair of socks he can return at the 99-cent store. Constance pities the fool, man. She reminds Ignacio that he's an illegal immigrant, and she and either make this easy or lojack his ankle like an IROC-Z. She asks whether she's made herself clear. Well, not to me. I don't know what any of those words means. Ignacio knows he's screwed. Screwed-er.
Meanwhile, Betty interviews Amanda. When Betty first arrived, Amanda hated her, of course. Betty asks if this is because of how she looks, but Amanda angrily replies that it's because she had been angling for Betty's job for months, and then Betty traipsed in there with her bushy eyebrows and awful bangs, and Amanda was like, "THAT took my job?" They really make Betty seem like she's the yeti or something. Amanda confesses that, at a certain point, she became envious of Betty. Betty is a bit flattered until Amanda says that she can't show up one day in an out-of-season handbag, whereas Betty shows up all the time looking like a yard sale and doesn't care. Amanda says it's like Betty was genetically engineered without the fear gene. She gives Betty props before telling her that none of this means Amanda likes her or anything.
Then, Wilhelmina is lounging in her office with her cowboy boots up on her chaise longue as she looks at some negatives. Marc comes in with a package, asking where she was that morning, because he tried to call her a thousand times. She laughs a sultry laugh and says that she was with Ted, and that he's staying with her through the weekend. Aw, she seems so happy. I mean, it's unnatural, but kind of nice. Marc says that some guy named Steve called saying he had valuable information about Bradford. He smiles and asks if he should call this Steve, and Wili says no. No! Marc then says there's a 1:00 meeting about the bridal issue. When Wili says that Daniel can handle that, Marc says, "But it's Vera Wang this year. You love your wang!" And how. He then opens the package, screams, and falls straight over. He says that there's a dead rat or something inside, and asks if Wili pissed off Donna Karan again. HA! Donna Karan would totally send a dead rat in an off-the-shoulder tunic. Wilhelmina looks in and picks up the gift, which is actually an armadillo. She loves it and asks Marc to put it on her shelf. She then gets a phone call. It's Bandage Lady, who ominously says that they need to speak in person. D'oh!
Meanwhile, Betty is interviewing Daniel. He says that Betty wasn't exactly the type of girl he was used to working with -- i.e. one who would blow him -- but that as he got to know her, he grew to like her. He also says that Betty helped him to grow as a person. And saved his ass a couple of times, I might add. He says that Betty played a huge part in the Sofia thing. She asks if he's still planning on proposing to her, and tells him that Sofia was crying in the morning and thinks Daniel is having second thoughts. AS WELL HE SHOULD BE, OR SO IT TURNS OUT. Oops, spoiler again. Daniel is shocked, and Betty says that Sofia doesn't want to become another one of his Daniel Meade girls. She advises him that, if he doesn't want to lose Sofia, he knows what he has to do.
Cut to Wili and Ted having a meal together. She asks where one finds an armadillo in Manhattan. The answer, of course, is Chinatown. She says that despite the fact that it clashes with most of her office, she adores it, and put it right in front of her so that she remembers the important stuff. She says that she's spent the past twenty years worrying about hemlines and heels and being frigid (okay, maybe I added that part), and for what? If you have no one to share it with, what's the point? Ted then gets all serious, and says that he has to warn her that he comes with a truck full of baggage. He has three ex-wives, and is working on four, and also has a passel of kids. Wilhelmina says that they both have plenty of baggage, but that she's willing to give it a shot if he is. Especially if it's vintage Louis Vuitton.
Meanwhile, Betty is getting a hot dog on the corner when she sees Sofia getting out of a cab. She starts to wave, and then notices that Sophia is with Hunter! Her supposed ex-fiancé who is supposedly in Europe! Sofia puts a fistful of bills in the pocket of his jacket and leaves, as Hunter makes his way into the Boylesque strip club. Betty is so distraught that she knocks over a rack of delicious-looking chips and has to run away as we head to commercials, and I find myself some chips to eat.
When we return, Betty is in the Mode closet telling Christina all about the fishy Hunter sighting. Despite the fact that Hunter was supposed to be in Europe and estranged from Sofia, Christina thinks that maybe they just reconnected. Betty says that she thought that at first, but Sofia was handing him a wad of cash just before he walked into Boylesque. This last bit of information piques the interest of Christina, who knows Boylesque's address by heart. Betty says that she has to assume, since Boylesque caters exclusively to women, that Hunter works there. Christina thinks that Sofia was N Luv (Wit a Stripper). Sofia thus becomes Christina's idol. Betty says it's so weird, especially since she was so adamant about getting Daniel to propose to her. Christina says that she knows what they should do. It's what any red-blooded heterosexual girl would do when faced with a mystery involving an all-male strip club: investigate.
Cut to Wilhelmina showing the Bandage Lady pictures of her birthing a calf, along with some shots of Ted lassoing her. Bandage Lady is all, "Does it look like I give an armadillo's ass?" She wants to know about the plan. Wili says that the plan to take over Meade Publications has failed. Bradford knows with all certainty that Fey Sommers is dead, and that they have no firm evidence linking him to her murder. Bandage Lady asks for her oxygen. Perhaps she wants to watch the second season of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency? She tells Wilhelmina that she fully intends to take over the company sooner rather than later, and that if Wili isn't her ally, she'll be her enemy, and there'll be no place for Wilhelmina anywhere at Meade. Bandage Lady is scary, and not just because she'll probably unravel herself eventually and reveal that Kenny Rogers has had yet another disastrous facelift. Wilhelmina says that they'll just have to let the chips fall where they may.
Meanwhile, Daniel takes Sofia to a gorgeous location: his parents' house! There is some talk about notches and belts and keeping pants up, and then there is smooching, Bradford soon catching Daniel and Sofia in the act. Turns out they're all having dinner together, because Daniel thought, before they took the step, that it was important for her to meet both of his parents. One of whom just got through asking Tony Miceli to run the dishwasher. Yes, it is Miss Judith Light, who comes out and notes that Sofia is stunning, and says it's a good thing Daniel got to her before Bradford did. She introduces herself as Claire, Daniel's recovering-alcoholic mother. She tells Daniel that she would never do anything to embarrass him, before whisking Sofia away to look at baby pictures, saying that Daniel did the cutest thing in the tub. Or so she heard from the nanny. The pictures were probably clipped from a magazine and aren't even of him.
Back at the Suarez house, Ignacio and Hilda look for documentation. Ignacio says that Constance is a barracuda, rude and obnoxious. Hilda says that it's the U.S. government -- what does he expect? She also tells Ignacio that they need Constance on their side, because Ignacio is powerless right now. She suggests trying to get in her good graces by doing something simple and sweet to make her smile. Yeah, Hilda's suggesting that Ignacio pork her.
And speaking of pork, we are at Boylesque! And so are Betty and Christina. Hey! Men in sailor costumes featuring tighty whiteys! A pirate comes up to Christina and Betty and asks if they're ready to plunder the seven seas for some buried treasure. Christina totally wants to go searching for some booty, but Betty won't let her. She tells the pirate that they're looking for an employee named Hunter. The pirate says that every other guy there is named Hunter, so they're going to have to be more specific. You know who feels like a tool right now? Anyone with a small child named Hunter. Betty says that her Hunter is tall and blond and looks Nordic. The pirate says that's Hunter 9, and then tells her to get in line, because everyone wants a piece of the 9. Hunter 9 is dressed in police regalia with a flock of ladies in front of him, and Christina says she thinks they're going to need a lot of singles.
Back at the Meade family dinner, Claire tells the story of opening her closet door to find Daniel in her Gucci strapless and patent leather pumps. Daniel says that, for the record, he was six and had been dressed up by his brother. Sofia notes that Daniel never talks about his brother, at which she learns that he died two years ago. She must feel pretty stupid right now. Bradford smoothes it out by saying that it's been a bit of a bumpy road for the Meade family of late, but (long glance at Sofia) it seems their luck is changing. OR IS IT? I'M NOT SO SURE THAT IT IS, BRADFORD. Everyone toasts to Sofia, who speaks Spanish to the maid. Claire notes that, as a Reyes, Sofia must have had lots of maids growing up, and says that that they spent some wonderful time at Javier Reyes's estate in Puerto Vallarta. Where the Love Boat docks! I wonder if they ran into Isaac. Sofia says that Claire has the wrong Reyes. They only maid they had in the family was her mother, and the closest Sofia got to the upper crust was when she helped her mother clean houses. Now it's Claire's turn to feel stupid. Not only did Sofia not have a silver spoon, but her family barely had money for a plastic one. Bradford says that's why he likes Sofia: she had to work for what she got in life. UNLIKE A CERTAIN INGRATE SON. Daniel says that he's willing to learn from Sofia as long as she's willing to teach him.
Meanwhile, there are more shenanigans at the strip club. Christina notes that Hunter is entertaining a bachelorette party, and that the woman who is about to marry some fat, bald, pasty-looking dentist is essentially having her last supper right now, so she is cashing out. Betty asks if they'll take her ATM card, and Christina says she knows where Betty can swipe it. That doesn't sound sanitary at all. Betty pulls out her lunch money for the week, and Hunter comes over. He tells them that they can cop a feel if they like as long as the management doesn't see them, and Christina is all over it until Betty slaps her hand away. Apparently, Betty is not only ugly, but also no fun. Betty asks Hunter if he has a girlfriend, and Hunter says he has girlfriends, boyfriends, all sorts of friends. Sheep friends, perhaps? Yeah, I kind of figured. Betty asks if this means that Hunter is bisexual, and Hunter says that if she buys, he's sexual. He asks what kind of lapdance they're in the mood for -- cupping the cobra, feeding the kitty, slapping the bongos, or just a good old-fashioned hot dog. Christina wants à la carte option D, but before you can say "mustard and relish," the bachelorette waves a bill and tells Hunter to jiggle his junk her way. Hunter says that he's off to service the high rollers, and Christina notes that (a) it's clear that Hunter's a whore, and (b) if Betty wants to find out about him and Sofia, she should hit the ATM.
Back at the Meet The Crazy Parents dinner, Sofia notes that Claire and Bradford look so happy together. Bradford says that they'll be married thirty-eight years in September. Sofia says that they make it look so easy, before Claire says that she almost shot Bradford one Christmas in Ann Arbor, which she pronounces "Ann Aaaahbor," like she's Katharine Hepburn. She thanks God that it was she who was loaded and not the gun. Bradford says that, in a marriage, things happen, and Claire interjects, "Like Cindy and Trisha and Candee with two 'e's. And let's not forget about Fey." Oh, we won't. We can't, because everybody keeps talking about her all the time. Claire's point is that marriage can be pretty awful sometimes, but somehow you find a way to go on. She says that this is a good thing, because when something really bad happens -- like losing a child -- you realize that you could never survive it without your husband. Judith Light looks practically pickled these days, doesn't she? Bradford and Claire kiss, and then dance. It's all oddly touching. Bradford whispers, "You're bombed, aren't you?" in her ear, and Claire says it's just a little cough syrup. Daniel tells Sofia that she can run away if she wants to, but she says that she wants to have what his parents have, minus the cheating. And, maybe, minus being such freaks. Claire asks Bradford whether he thinks their grandchild will have a Spanish name like Paco. HA! That is hilarious. At least he will perhaps be Puttin' On The Ritz. Bradford asks if Claire likes Sofia. Claire says that she's lovely, but there's something about her -- like she's hiding something. Bradford says, "Aren't we all?" I don't know. Are we? Daniel tells Sofia that, if she wants it, they could have what his parents have. That sounds more ominous than romantic, if you ask me.
Cut to the strip club, where Betty attracts Hunter's attention via some cash. She asks him if he's ever been hired to pretend to be someone's boyfriend. He says it happens all the time, especially if a woman wants to make a guy jealous. Betty asks if that's what he did for Sofia Reyes, and Hunter asks if Sofia's already giving him recommendations, before walking away. Betty is stunned!
Back at the parents' house, Betty calls Daniel and says that she needs to talk to him about Sofia. Daniel says that it's perfect timing, because he just proposed. Oh no! Daniel says that if it hadn't been for his talk with Betty earlier, it might never have happened. Sofia gets close to the phone and yells a thank-you to Betty. Meanwhile, the bachelorette party is doing a conga line. Daniel asks if there's something Betty wants to tell him, and she hems and haws before awkwardly yelling her congratulations and hanging up. Commercials.
When we return, Wilhelmina walks into her bedroom, where Ted is sitting on the bed, putting on his cowboy boots. She says she got them two tickets for Cosi Fan Tutte at The Met. And she got him a pair of Ferragamo wingtips, because you can't wear cowboy boots to the opera. And then, quite tragically, Wili spies Ted's packed duffel bag on the floor. She asks what's going on. Ted says that he had a long talk with his wife today. They have a daughter together, and his kids don't need another ex-stepmom. He says that his family's pretty broken, and he has to try and fix it. Oh, just leave the bitch and go with the new hot lady. Isn't that the natural order of things? Wilhelmina asks what chance a roadrunner and armadillo have anyway. It's true. I mean, you haven't heard of an infertile mule-like breed of roadadillos popping up spontaneously in the southwest, have you? She tells Ted to keep the shoes, and not to step in any cow dung. See, I would have taken Wilhelmina for the type to actually have a truckload of cow dung shipped to his house. Or ranch, I guess. I know she's a dragon lady and all, but it's pretty sad.
The morning, Sofia is getting made up in her office when Betty comes in to offer her coffee, and Sofia asks if she got the coffee in Hunter's jock strap. Well, that sounds like an infection waiting to happen, doesn't it? Seriously, people, if you see coffee grounds in your jockstrap, call 911. It's not good. Betty is shocked that Sofia found out about her investigation, but Sofia asks Betty if she didn't think Hunter would let Sofia know that a mushy Latino girl with braces was asking questions about them. Betty asks why Sofia would hire someone to pretend to be her fiancé. Sofia says that she knew Daniel's reputation, and that being just another single girl wasn't going to be enough to drive him to be with her. Betty asks why Sofia would want or need to drive someone to be with her. Because she's a psycho, clearly. Just then, Ruthie says that Sofia's ride to Rise And Shine America is there, and that Daniel's already waiting. Betty asks if Daniel is going with her, and Sofia says that they're going to announce their engagement together on-air. A concerned-looking Betty says that she'll get a few things together and go with them, but Sofia tells her to stay there and finish her article, and that she expects it to be done by the time she gets back. Dunh dunh!
And then, at the Mode offices, a completely white-clad Wilhelmina (except for her sunglasses and black gloves) walks off the elevator. Poor Kevin cheerily wishes her a good morning, only to have her retort, "Didn't I fire you?" Oh yeah, she's back, baby.
Back at MYW, Betty overhears Ruthie and the wheelchair lady discussing the cover for the first issue. Ruthie says that her nerves got her all blotchy, thinking that maybe Sofia wouldn't pull it off. She holds a mock-up of the cover that features a photo of Sofia and Daniel together. Wheelchair Lady says that Ruthie should never doubt Sofia, and adds that the article is great too, and that she doesn't think Sofia slept a wink the night writing it. Please. She's had this thing in the bag. Betty comes over and tries to peek. We then see the headline: "From Fling to Ring in 60 Days." Betty asks if she can read the article, and Wheelchair Lady says that Sofia doesn't want her to read it yet. Betty agrees and sounds all docile before snatching the article out of Wheelchair Lady's hands and pushing Ruthie. She rushes to the elevator and furiously presses the close button as the wheelchair bears down upon her. But Betty makes it! And I have to say, I love that Betty will throw down with a handi-capable person. She starts reading "the rules to getting any guy to propose to you in 60 days or less" as we see brief flashes of Sofia acting out each of these rules. "Pique his interest." By showing your boobs! "Stay in close proximity." By invading his office! "Give him a taste." By kissing him in a bar! "Make yourself unavailable." By hiring a stripper to pretend to be your fiancé! "Create a ticking clock." By...putting a microphone to your watch!
Betty runs in to the closet find Christina. She says that it was all a lie, and that Sofia set Daniel up from the beginning. She used him to get her cover story! There's nothing I like more than to see an undercover bitch exposed. Commercials.
When we return, it's time for Rise And Shine America. The host says that Sofia is there to talk about the launch issue of MYW, and her engagement to Daniel Meade. We see the bit with Betty running in from the beginning of the episode, but of course she's too late and "Adriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" and is hauled off by security. The Rise And Shine America hosts ask Sofia about her magazine. She says that she created MYW in order to fill a void, because there are no modern magazines that make a woman feel empowered. Because you know what really makes you feel empowered? Learning how to bag a husband in two months. Trust me on this one. month: "Want to make him commit? Get knocked up!" Sofia says that her magazine isn't about overpriced clothes and wrinkle creams; there are some real articles. One of the hosts notes that Sofia used herself as an example for the first cover. Daniel starts to look a little funny. Sofia says that statistics would say that she shouldn't be there, but she is. She has a new magazine, and is newly engaged to the most notorious bachelor in New York City. I think the proper phrasing is "Playboy Himbo." Sofia says that she got Daniel to propose to her in sixty days, to which the male host says, "Wow. Sixty days...that's, like, two months!" Heh. I think that's supposed to be Matt Lauer. They ask Daniel if that's true, and he sort of stammers and says that he guesses it's been exactly sixty days. Quelle coincidence!
And this, of course, leads Sofia to proudly proclaim that that is her lead article. "From fling to ring in 60 days: Techniques to make you get the man you want in 60 days." Grammatical awkwardness aside, Sofia say that if these rules work for her with Daniel Meade, they'll work for any woman out there. One of the hosts asks Daniel if he knew that Sofia was trying to get him to propose. Daniel says no, and that they met and fell in love. Sofia says that, actually, Daniel fell in love. But she has to tell him that, as great as she thinks he is, right now she wants to focus on her career. And she gives him back his ring! On the air! And then says, "Thank you for being such a good sport!" Dude, that is harsh. The hosts get all awkward, because Daniel has been punk'd. He looks totally heartbroken. Meanwhile, everyone is watching. Bradford and Claire, the Suarezes, Amanda and the rest of the office, and all of Times Square, and Marc, who says that even he is shedding a silent tear. Wilhelmina says that she guesses none of them can have it all, but that there's no reason not to keep trying. With that, she tosses the armadillo in the wastebasket. Marc is pleased. He says that the mysterious Steve guy called again about Bradford, and Wili tells Marc to get him on the phone. Ah, yes...the bitch is back. And it feels so good. Oh wait, that's a different song. But still, there's one perfect fit, and sugar, this one is it.
Betty watches the monitor on the set of Rise And Shine America and looks really sad. The show wraps, and Daniel quickly walks offstage. Sofia follows him, and Daniel asks how she could do that to him. He says that he fell in love with her, and she used him for a publicity stunt. Sofia asks how many times he has done exactly the same thing to dozens of women. Um, dozens, maybe? She asks how many times he's broken their hearts and dumped them, and he says he can guarantee that he's never done it on national television. Sofia says that this wasn't easy for her. She thought it would be, but it wasn't, but when she starts something, she has to follow through. That's kind of a fucked-up philosophy, if you ask me. She says that Daniel can call her a bitch, but that this is how she got to where she is today. Otherwise, she'd still be cleaning houses in Mexico. She says that, for what it's worth, Daniel was so much more than she ever thought he would be, and she's sorry. Daniel just walks away. Oh, poor Daniel! Sofia is left with only her giant heaving bosom to comfort her. Betty sees Daniel in the hallway and tries to follow him, saying she's so sorry. He just walks by with a dazed look on his face as we head to commercials.
When we return, Bradford and Daniel hang out. Bradford says that he's going to go down and fire Sofia. Daniel says that it's for Bradford to do whatever he wants, but that if he were CEO, he'd sign Sofia to a long-term contract. He says that the stunt she pulled will probably guarantee the single biggest launch of any magazine in the company's history. Bradford says that Sofia hurt Daniel, and Daniel sadly says that it was just business. Oh, Daniel is all jaded and it's the end of the innocence and he's singing a song of experience! Sad times. Bradford pats Daniel on the shoulder. Daniel heads to the elevator, and almost wants to get out on the 28th floor. Instead, he presses 1 and goes to find a hooker to console him.
Sofia heads back to the MYW offices and gets a round of applause. But not from Betty! Betty tells Sofia that she betrayed her, manipulated her, and lied to her face about Daniel. Sofia says that she did lie, but not about Betty's potential or abilities. She says that's why she hired Betty, and that she sees a lot of herself in Betty. Betty says that she doesn't see any of herself in Sofia. Well, no. I mean, Sofia's stacked. Betty hands Sofia her article about working at Mode. She says that, while researching it, she realized that the people there are superficial, but that they know it, and they don't pretend to be anything more than they are. Oooh, burn. She says that she fits in better there than she does at MYW, and quits. How's that for cojones? Sofia's got nothing to say, because she feels kind of bad about being so totally evil, and this is her painful moment of reckoning. I think all mean people should lose their assistants.
Meanwhile, Ignacio has found an apartment lease from 1977. I'd say hooray, but I'm kind of bored by this subplot. Constance says that will work, and thanks him for his cooperation. Ignacio then apologizes for getting off on the wrong foot with her, and gives her a little mug with candy and flowers that reads, "World's Best Immigration Worker." Constance is duly touched, and hugs Ignacio likes she means it. I mean, like she MEANS it. She says adios, and that she hopes to be seeing a lot of Igancio. Including Little Iggy, if you know what I'm saying. Poor Ignacio. He gains his citizenship only to be crushed by an INS worker.
And then, Sofia gets in an elevator with Amanda, who beats her senseless with a handbag. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Betty heads back to the Mode offices, where she hunts down Marc and asks where Daniel is. Marc says that bird has flown. That morning, Daniel had his driver take him to JFK instead of coming to the office, and no one knows where he is. He's disappeared! And with a panicked look from Betty, we are out.