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It's a flashback episode! As Betty cleans her desk in preparation for her new job, Christina notices that the bag she's carrying -- which should be a for-real Gucci -- is an unfortunate Gucci knock-off from the guy on the corner. So Betty explains and we travel back four months, to the frenzy of Mode Closet Cleaning (a.k.a. Free Swag) Day. As Daniel prepares for a visit from minimalist-loving Japanese designer Oshi, we learn that he's having some financial trouble. On a similar theme, Betty gets notified late that she has one day to turn in Daniel's monthly expense report. To Henry! It's the first time ever she's seen his face. Awwww. The blossoming romance, however, is overshadowed by the fact that Betty is being set up by Marc and Wilhelmina, who has been giving Bradford an earful about Daniel's fiscal irresponsibility. And I mean, say what you will about the bitch, but she kind of has a point. The plan works, and Betty totally effs up Daniel's expense report, thus making him responsible for $20,000 in poorly documented "miscellaneous expenses," and cut off from the company credit card. Which is a problem, because Daniel, having blown through his trust fund a while ago, is broke, and has actually been living off of the company card. The timing couldn't be worse, of course, because he needs to entertain Oshi at a fancy important dinner meeting. Wilhelmina cackles, if only on the inside, and tries to get herself invited by offering to foot the bill.
Meanwhile, Betty gets her first check, and learns all about the miracle of taxes. To make matters worse, Ignacio is having some health insurance problems and can't get his prescription filled. And because we're in the past, Betty (and we) have to deal with Walter trying to win her back via gifts of universal remotes. Christina, being awesome, saves Betty a prized Gucci bag from the closet cleaning, along with some other stuff that Betty regifts to her family. None of this free fashion changes the fact that Ignacio needs his pills, of course. Or DOES it? In fact, it does, as Betty trades her new Gucci for 15 refills at the pharmacy. I guess some people would call that a good trade-off.
Back at the office, Daniel has approximately $300 in his bank account with which to impress Oshi and his entourage, and, despite Betty's protestations, leans toward inviting credit-card-wielding Wilhelmina. But just in the Nick of time, Betty, through some clever sleuthing (and with help from Henry!), discovers that Wilhelmina's $25,000 "props and extras" budget from a trip Rio was used for -- wait for it -- a butt lift. Ha! So she gets in trouble with Bradford, too, and can't save the day as planned. But you know who can? That's right. Betty uses Oshi's mantras of "brown, white, and minimal" to devise the clever plan of taking Oshi and Co. to a "White Tassel" hamburger chain. And Oshi likes it! Yet another problem solved with pluck and tenacity. Which makes it even sadder when, at the eleventh hour, Walter kind of wins Betty's heart back. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
All hail Jessica! I am really nervous to be stepping into her size 7 stilettos, but will do the best I can, even though I'm totally a size 10. I'm totally going to get a hammer toe.
It's cleaning time at Mode. The floor is being waxed. And so is Betty! But not in the way that one might hope. The crazy custodian guy (and seriously, he has NOTHING on my workplace crazy custodian lady AT ALL) actually bumps into Betty with the waxer. Because she's under her desk. Of course. She hits her head, and Christina, wheeling a rack of clothes, notices her and comes over to say hi. Betty explains that she's packing the rest of her things, including a mini cactus, which Amanda has placed on the floor. Christina notes that that was very considerate of her. Betty says that she wanted to come back at night, in case she cried. Awwww! This whole scenario is foreign to me, because everyone who leaves the establishment where I work does cartwheels out the door and then gives the building the finger. For a while I thought that was, like, the standard goodbye wave to the non-profit world. Betty notes that she's had no tears so far, and that it's a new year and new job, and that she'll even be in the same elevator, just one floor down. It's not like she's never going to see the rest of the gang again. OR IS IT? No, actually, it probably isn't. I mean, that would kind of ruin the show, right?
And then, because this is a flashback episode and things have to get awkward before they can move forward, Christina says that there's not much swag at NYW. Betty says no, and then grabs a giant bag with kind of a crazy print on it, fondles it, and says she'll definitely miss the perks. But then eagle eye Christina gets a funny look, which makes Betty get kind of a funny, nervous look in turn, and she tries to change the subject. But Christina demands to see the bag, which she promptly proclaims to be a knockoff from the guy on the corner. The final verdict comes when Christina smells the bag. Gross. I bet it has the scent of sauerkraut and beef lips all over it. Betty says that she loves it all the same, but Christina asks what happened to the Gucci. Betty replies, "Nothing... bad." She then says that she can explain, and Christina tells her to do so. Which leads to...
Flashback! It all started with the stampede four months ago, Betty says. We see skinny bitches running, and Betty standing in the middle of them looking like an American flag re-imagined by Laura Ashley. Seriously, sometimes her wardrobe kills me. And then sometimes I kind of like it, which makes me worry about myself. Last of the pack is Amanda, who is totally wearing formal shorts. She asks if she missed it, then yells, "Crap!" and pushes past Betty in a frenzy. Wilhelmina comes out calmly and says, "Dignity, Amanda." But then Daniel comes out, like, zipping his fly, causing her to quip, "I guess it's too late for that now." She tells Daniel that Prada trumps passion, and that Christina just posted the sign up sheet. She's cleaning the Closet tomorrow and has to get rid of all the winter fashions from the last three issues to make room for the spring stuff. Wilhelmina explains that this is the staff perk and suggests that Betty take a trip down there, adding that she might be able to find some socks in her size. Hey, that was mean! Pick on someone your own size! Which, okay, fine, would be someone skinny. Wilhelmina trumps me with her twisted logic yet again!
Daniel asks Betty if she got the stuff on Oshi, and she says that she has back issues with his fall and winter collections, a profile from last February's Interview, and his autobiography, entitled, Oshi on Oshi. By Oshi. Is it wrong that I kind of want sushi right now? Betty explains that the two black circles on the book's white cover are supposed to be his glasses. We then get some Fashion TV info on Oshi, supersized icon of minimal fashion, who will be steamrolling into Gotham to unveil his spring line at the Mode offices. He's debuted his collection there for years, due to his close friendship with Fey Sommers, and was of course devastated at her demise. And I have to tell you that, despite really trying to catch up, I totally do not quite get the whole Fey Sommers thing. I mean, the fiery car crash I get, and the lady in the bandages and all that. But my synapses just can't quite connect it all. Oshi's translator says in a deadpan, "Fey... was so... minimal." The question on everybody's mind, Fashion TV tells us, is how Oshi will hit it off with Fey's replacement, "Himbo Playboy Daniel Meade." Hey, I wanted a Himbo Playboy for Christmas! Can I return my fuzzy robe and get one of those instead? The reporter says that she is thinking, "No-shi." Hey, a girl can dream, right? Oh wait, this totally isn't about me.
But Betty, ever the optimist, thinks, "Yes-shi." Do you think they can ship my Himbo? Daniel says that they need Oshi's business, and he has nothing in common with him. It's all about relationships with the Japanese, he says, and so his first meal with Oshi has to be perfect. Betty tells him that they have the chef's table at Masa, and she's also picked up a Japanese customs and phrase book for him. And, Betty tells him quite calmly, he should know that his credit card was rejected. Daniel is all, "Jigga-wha?" when he sees that it's his personal card, and says that Betty always uses the company card for business. Betty is all, "That's the card you gave me, bitch!" No, she isn't, but wouldn't it be great if she just flipped all of a sudden? Daniel then reminds Betty that she has to do his expense report, which "Henry something or other" (woo!) from accounting sent a memo about. It's due TODAY, he says. Betty missed the memo, and not just on the Sally Jessy Raphael glasses. Daniel tells Betty to get on it, because his father's a hard ass on expenses, and he won't get reimbursed if the report is turned in late. She has until 10:30 AM to get it in. Period. Wait, I thought it was due today? Well, anyway. She asks if he has receipts, and then gets, like, a bucket load full of them. To anyone who has ever worked as an administrative assistant, this is a very familiar scene that might induce post traumatic stress disorder. Not helping any is the fact that the moment is interrupted by the delivery of paychecks! Ah, sweet payday. Betty says that it's her first paycheck, and Daniel says that it's his too. He opens his check and says, "What the... ?" whereas Betty gasps, "FICA?" Oh, sister, tell me about it.
Meanwhile, Wilhelmina is prancing around Bradford's office and droning on about fiscal responsibility. She says that Daniel needs some supervision. Bradford says that Daniel's a little indulged, but he's growing up. Wilhelmina says that he ran through his trust fund in three years. I wish I had a trust fund to blow through in three years. I could do it, too. Wilhelmina says that for his 28th birthday he tried to buy an island, and also J. Lo. Now there is an investment that has depreciated in value. Bradford says that it was actually Shakira. Eh, you've seen one big gyrating butt you've seen them all. Bradford tries to pass it off as wild oats, but Wilhelmina is all "blah blah blah responsibility-cakes" and Bradford asks why she'd want to be publisher, which is a job that's more financial than creative. Wilhelmina says that she wouldn't give up her creative title, just add publisher to it, and keep Daniel reined in. Bradford says that he wants Wilhelmina to focus on the task at hand, which is helping Daniel establish a relationship with Oshi. Wilhelmina says ominously that he'll make an impression, she guarantees it. With that a silent thunderclap rocks the skies. Dunh-dunh!
Back in the world of the underlings, Marc glows that the Gucci bag is all his. Amanda has her eye on some Louboutin boots. Marc says that she doesn't stand a chance, because she's last on the list. He, however, is first, and numero uno gets the glorious "it" bag from the House of Gucci. Betty asks why he would need a pocketbook. That is awesome, because Betty would totally say "pocketbook," just like your grandma. I bet she talks about wearing slacks, too. Marc acts like Betty is not only a dumb-ass, but actually deaf, and says/signs that he wants it to trade because fashion is currency. He adds that this is hard for her to understand because she's so very much in debt (ha!), but if he needed a favor from, say, Betty, then he might be persuaded to trade it for the bag, which Betty so desperately needs. Betty gazes down absently at her own very sad bag. She then confesses to Marc that she needs some help, given that she didn't get the memo from accounting about expense reports. Amanda says suspiciously that it must have gotten lost in the mail room. Betty, honest and plucky, says that she needs some help in learning how to do it. Enter Wilhelmina, who asks Marc to give Betty the correct form and a copy of their report, adding that if Betty does what they did, she'll be fine. It's a set-up, Betty, don't fall for it! You can tell by all the cocked eyebrows, as well as the ominous music. Marc says that Betty realizes this means an unnamed favor at a later date, and she says she understands. She leaves, and Marc of course pulls out the missing memo, saying that the boys in the mailroom are cute, but so careless.
Betty gets in the elevator with Amanda and some other glamazons, and one very tall woman faux-compliments her bag, saying it's "so Juan Valdez." That's totally racist, and yet nothing is really quite as funny as the trip down memory lane with Juan Valdez. I mean, remember that guy? He farmed, like, every coffee bean for the span of about four years. Amanda asks if the bag came with a mule. And seriously... heh. Christina then gets in the elevator, and everyone starts fawning over her because she is the Gatekeeper to the Swag. She tells them all to sod off, and that nobody is moving up the list, including Amanda. Amanda says that she was late to sign up because of her job, and Christina replies that they all know what kind of job she was giving. Er, doing. Tee hee!
Christina does tell Betty that she could cut the queue, but Betty says that she knows Christina doesn't have anything above a size six. Christina suggests accessories. Out on the street, Betty says that she's just not that into fashion. Really. I wouldn't have guessed. She then complains about her measly paycheck, and Christina tells her that she has to start thinking of the stuff from the Closet as part of her wages. They then stop at a street vendor selling knockoff bags, and Christina points out the "it" bag of the season, which we saw pre-flashback on Betty's shoulder. And the bag, it's really kind of ugly. But what do I know about bags? Except if you mean the cast of The Golden Girls. I know a lot about them. Betty says that her mom used to have a bag like that that she gave to Betty when she was three. She used to carry her crayons around in it, which made Hilda furious. The guy selling the knockoff bags tells them that it's $200, and that you can't tell it from the real thing. Au contraire, says Christina, who adds that if you bring a fake bag into Mode, everybody knows.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Betty's dad and Justin help Betty to pick through Daniel's receipts and marvel at the damage that he did in one month. Betty explains that it's business and he's the editor-in-chief and has to entertain people. Ignacio marvels that Daniel spent $821 on dinner, which makes Hilda proclaim that the time they go to the chicken place she's getting all white meat. Mmm, chicken. Justin picks out a blank receipt, which Betty says is another miscellaneous expense. Hilda notes that there are a lot of miscellaneous expenses. Betty says that this must be fine, because a lot of Wilhelmina's expenses were miscellaneous, too. Hilda looks at her report, and notes that she went to Rio, where she racked up a $25,000 bill for props and extras. A.k.a., hookers. I mean, right? You can tell that Wilhelmina's a freak like that. All of this leads to the ceremonial passing around of Betty's measly first paycheck. Ignacio says that they take so much out, but it's still a paycheck, and that it's more than he made on his first job... almost. That's when you count the value of his mule. After he leaves, Hilda has some disturbing news. The pharmacy wouldn't fill Ignacio's prescription. Betty is outraged at Maria Ortiz, the pharmacist, who knows that Ignacio has arrhythmia and could die. Hilda says that it wasn't Maria, it was Ignacio's HMO. They're not going to cover him anymore. Dunh dunh!!!! Commercials.
When we return, Betty voices over that this was around the time that she and Walter had broken up, and we know how he stalked her. In turn, we see him stalking her. He follows her down the street until she turns around and tells him to stop following her. He says that he has something for her, and she says that she doesn't need any more batteries. I don't know. I think that the single girl should stock up, if you know what I'm saying. Walter says that it's a universal remote. Betty counters that they only have one TV, and he should leave her alone. Walter says that he's going to win her back, despite his complete lack of attractiveness, suavity, romantic instinct, interpersonal skills, or, I'm guessing, sexual acumen. Betty is all, "You cheated on me, bitch!" With Gina Gambarro! She doesn't care how many universal remotes he gives her. He's not winning her back. OR IS HE? Sadly, we know that he will, at least for a while. I hate knowledge!
Walter looks sad, but that doesn't stop him from following Betty into the pharmacy, where Maria Ortiz is filing her nails. Without looking up, Maria says to Betty that the HMO is investigating her father's situation. She doesn't know the details, but they're refusing to fill his prescription until the matter is resolved. Betty tells Maria that her father needs his medication. Maria says that she can have it if she pays the $197 cost. In the midst of this tense moment, Betty gets distracted by Walter, who is fumbling at a nearby shelf. He says, "What? I'm shopping!" Betty looks at the product and tells him that he does not have a feminine itch. Actually, I think he might. Betty tells Maria that she doesn't have $197, and Maria gets all, "What? Don't they pay you at Mooooode?" Betty is once again distracted by Walter and spills the contents of her Juan Valdez bag. This causes Maria to lean over the counter and say, "Can you really blame him for trying with Gina Gambarro?" I really want Betty to say, "No, and I can't blame myself for punching you in the damn face, whore. I'm about to childproof the lid on your ass!" And then punch her. Betty needs to spice it up a little, you know?
Cut to Betty looking at the knock-off Gucci bag on the corner. Who should pull up but Bradford, who calls out to Betty and tells her that he needs to see her at 10:30 sharp in his office. He doesn't want anyone to know, least of all Daniel. If he's going to get all suspicious, he might at least offer her a ride.
Meanwhile, Daniel is in his office studying his Japanese phrase book. Betty brings in the expense report for him to sign. She says that she's ordered flowers for Oshi's room. And then Wilhelmina is just standing in the doorway all of a sudden, as she is wont to do, and asks if they're sending white dendrobium orchids. Betty says no, red roses, which causes Wilhelmina to retort that Oshi hates color. She then says, "Veuve Laurent Brut?" and explains to Betty that it's champagne, and they should send at least five bottles because he brushes his teeth with it. I'm starting to dig this Oshi character. Daniel says that he appreciates the help, but this is his meeting and his chance to get to meet Oshi, and Wilhelmina is not invited. Wilhelmina asks if Betty got Marc's help on the expense report, then gloats in a sinister fashion. As she is wont to do. Daniel reminds Betty to get the expense report to accounting by 10:30. The same time that she has to meet with Bradford! To increase the chances for hijinx to ensue, Daniel also asks Betty to get him a coffee and bagel. And then asks her to front him the cash because he doesn't have any! Oh, that is so the way of bosses. Betty's all, "MY FATHER IS GOING TO DIE, BITCH, GET YOUR OWN DAMN POPPYSEED SHIT!" No, actually, she isn't. I keep hoping, though.
And then, there is chaos in the Mode Closet. Amanda tries to forcibly pull some boots off of a staffer she accuses of being a transvestite. Marc can't find the Gucci bag and is freaking out. Also freaking out is a stressed Christina, who answers the phone by screaming, "This is MY HELL!" It's Betty, on whom such subtleties are lost. She asks if Amanda's there, because she needs her to cover Daniel's phone. Amanda pounds on someone who she has in a headlock, and Marc threatens to impale others with a giant boot. Christina tells Betty that if she wants anything, she's got to get down there. But Betty has stuff to do, and really just wants Amanda to cover the damn phones.
And then she runs down to accounting, where she lays eyes on... HENRY! Hee! Seriously, he's so cute. It's 10:28, and Henry says that Betty sure likes to cut it close. She explains that she didn't get the memo, though Henry says that she was on the list. She then spies a bagel and coffee on Henry's desk and steals them and runs out, yelling that she'll make it up to him later. Oh, I bet she will! If you know what I mean. Around episode 13, maybe. She runs into Bradford's office, where he quickly co-opts the coffee and bagel. Bastards, all! Bradford asks Betty if she has any idea why she's there. She gets all quiet for a minute before saying earnestly, "Sir, it was just one pack of Post-Its, I swear I'll bring it back. I love my job!" HA! Oh, little Betty. Bradford says that it's not about Post-Its, it's about fiscal responsibility. Betty starts to say that she only overdrew her bank account once and Bradford, losing patience, says that this is about Daniel's fiscal responsibility. Some people are questioning his ability to handle company finances, because he's had problems in the past. Betty says that she just turned in his expense account, and it seemed fine to her. Well, Betty can be kind of dumb sometimes. Bradford tells Betty to protect him, and to let him know if Daniel does anything out of line. And, of course, this all has to be kept a secret from Daniel. To seal the deal, Bradford tells her to remember who signs her paychecks. Betty says okay, and then adds, "But might I just say... you take out a lot." Hee! Oh, she really is adorable.
As Betty runs back to her desk, she encounters a bleeding Amanda. It would have been better if a boot was actually sticking out of her face. Amanda says that Daniel's been looking for Betty, and he isn't happy. She rushes into his office, where Henry is also waiting. Betty says that she was trying to get Daniel a bagel, but of course she has no bagel. There is some pre-flirt bagel talk, but it's all of no real matter, because this is about the expense report. Betty reported $20,000 of miscellaneous expense for Daniel, and Henry rejected them. Which means Daniel is personally responsible for every dime. Daniel yells to Betty, "What were you thinking?" as we head toward commercials. I hate when people yell at Betty!
When we return, Daniel yells that for miscellaneous expenses you need to put names, dates, and reasons for the meal. Betty says that she copied Wilhelmina's report, which causes Henry to say that Ms. Slater's expense reports are always meticulously detailed. Daniel says that Wilhelmina knows how this makes him look to his father. And to make it worse, Bradford gets copies of every large violation. And to make it even more worse, the violator automatically gets their company card suspended. Daniel gets a look of frightened woe. Henry says that it only takes a week to reactivate, and Daniel says that he has a huge dinner the night. Betty answers the phone. It's Bradford. D'oh!
Daniel gets called into the principal's office. And his dad is the principal. Not hot. Bradford says that just yesterday he defended Daniel's fiscal responsibility to Wilhelmina Slater. She's gunning for publisher, and thinks Daniel needs financial supervision. Daniel says he doesn't, and especially not from Wilhelmina. Bradford thinks that Daniel has something to prove, and so he's going to eat the $20,000 and call it an accounting error. Hey, that's nice! But what's not so nice is that this month, Daniel has to use his own money and show how responsible he is when the money's coming from his own pocket. There's some awkward flashing back and forth, probably to smooth out some oddly cut scene, but eventually we see Daniel confessing to Betty that he only has $327 in his bank account. He explains that he blew through his trust fund like he was Michael Jackson, and actually needs this job. Oh wow! He needs to work in order to survive? That's so horrible! My heart really goes out to the guy, you know?
Betty notes that he just got paid, and Daniel says that his check barely covers the rent on his loft. Oh my God, the Suarez family should totally rent out a room to him! That would be awesome, and solve so many problems. Daniel confesses that he's been living off of the company credit card, and is broke. So, in fact, Wilhelmina kind of has a point. I'm just saying. Betty says that Daniel has to entertain Oshi tomorrow, and so maybe should tell his father the truth about the situation. Daniel says no way, because Bradford will make Wilhelmina publisher so fast it will make her head spin. Betty is all, "I just explained something as being the tip of the iceberg. At least we'll never be bankrupt of clichés!" Daniel says that this has to be their secret. Betty gets renewed vigor and quotes her dad, "It's not what you have, it's how you spend it." I choose to spend it on clothes and expensive bath products, personally. I am not fiscally responsible, either. Marc and Wilhelmina look on gleefully, satisfied that their plan with the fake expense report has worked. Bitches!
In the ravaged Mode Closet, Christina says to Betty that the witch and her flying monkey set her up, and notes that if Wilhelmina were publisher, that would make her more powerful than Daniel, god forbid. She tells Betty that there's not much swag left, but she did save her a few goodies. The most fabulous among them being a Gucci bag, which Betty does not need to be a size six to wear. Please. If Betty were a size six she would fit IN that bag. Betty is touched. Christina says that fashion is good for the soul, and for how it makes you feel. And she says that Betty will be amazed at the respect that a designer label brings around the office. Betty says that it's the nicest thing she's ever owned. Christina tells her not to put her crayons in it. Where the hell is a girl supposed to keep her crayons in this day and age?
At home, Betty regifts the swag. She gives Ignacio a watch used in a James Bond shoot. Hilda gets a scarf, which Justin correctly identifies as Hermes. And Justin gets a Burberry belt, which totally makes him flame out. Ignacio sees Betty's Gucci, and says that it reminds him of the handbag that Betty's mother gave to her. She used to carry it around everywhere. He says that her mother loved the handbag, because it made her feel beautiful. Things get all nostalgic for a while, and then Betty has to break the news that Maria wouldn't refill Ignacio's prescription, and that it will cost $200. Ignacio simply says that Betty's bag is beautiful, and that the watch she gave him is wonderful. He then takes his LAST PILL! Oh my God, he's going to, like, die tomorrow. And may I add that he takes his pill without water. What, they make chewable Coumadin now? Or the Suarezes can no longer afford running water? This tale gets more tragic by the minute! Betty lies in bed and is all sad. She hugs the bag close to her as we fade to commercials.
When we return, the same bitch who made the Juan Valdez comment compliments Betty on her Gucci in the elevator. Marc gets in and throws a shit fit at Christina when he sees it. He says that Betty doesn't know what to do with a Gucci bag, as evidenced by the fact that it's touching polyester. Hee. Marc hits Betty in the head with a poster tube and gives a half-hearted, "Oops."
Meanwhile, Daniel is on the phone trying to apply for a new platinum card. Or a new gold card. Or a silver card. How about a nickel-plated card? He tells Betty that his credit rating is apparently lower than that of most convicted felons. He then compliments Betty on her bag. She notes that it's from the Closet, and then pulls out her latest project -- a list of 300 very fun things to do in New York City for under $300. Awww, Betty. And really, that's the perfect thing for her to do on account of how she's all poor and shit and really needs to know that stuff.
And then Marc comes flitting through the office yelling that Oshi is on his way! Yes, it's true. The master of minimal! The king of clean! The sumo of simplicity! Seriously, Oshi is kind of a big guy. He also has a big entourage, including a guy holding a boom box that is playing what I guess is Oshi's theme. It's not quite as lovely as Arthur's theme, but then again I highly doubt that Oshi has ever been caught between the moon and New York City. Wilhelmina quietly tells Marc to get the champagne. Daniel tests out one of his new Japanese phrases, but Oshi's translator only comes back with, "Good morning. I'm very thirsty. Are you?" There is awkward silence, which Betty breaks by cheerfully saying that they have fresh coffee. And then in walks Wilhelmina with her kisses and her champagne. Oshi is glad to see her. Which, kind of, wouldn't you be? I'm just saying. May I add that Vanessa Williams can really wear a suit.
Oshi, through the translator, says that today and tomorrow he'll be fitting his models, and then tomorrow evening he'll come back and put on a show for Daniel and the Mode editors. He'll use their tube entry for his runway. He likes it because it's round, white, and minimal. Remember these words. They might come into play later. Then, Oshi dictates, they will drank champagne (pronounced like The Continental would pronounce it) and Daniel will take them out for a wonderful meal. After that, they will talk business. Or not. Oshi whips his fan open, turns around, and takes his leave.
Daniel starts freaking out about the fact that Oshi is expecting a wonderful meal. Wilhelmina turns around and innocently says that she'd be happy to come along and pick up the tab, but this of course would require that she be invited to the dinner. Later, Daniel says to Betty that Wilhelmina knows that he's broke. Betty says that she thinks it would be a very bad idea to let Wilhelmina pay, because the Japanese are very attuned to nuance, and it would appear that Daniel is not in charge. Daniel says that he gets it, but he doesn't have a choice. It's a lose/lose situation, because either Wilhelmina will get all the credit and Bradford will know that Daniel's broke, or they'll lose Oshi, and Bradford will still know that Daniel's broke. Either way, he ends up looking like a financial incompetent, and Wilhelmina gets the publisher position. Betty argues that neither of these has to happen if Daniel will just look at her list of fun things for cheapos. Daniel is all, "Bitch, please," and says that $300 won't buy Oshi a new scrunchie. How about a new banana clip? A white one? Betty says that he could take Oshi to the movies, or the Statue of Liberty, or maybe ride the Staten Island Ferry. Daniel hears these options and, like anyone sane, is ready to admit defeat.
Betty and Christina head to lunch, and Christina quite correctly says that it's Daniel's fault for spending so much damn money so irresponsibly. Betty, however, feels bad because she messed up the expense report. Christina says that all of the Mode bigwigs abuse their expense accounts, especially Wilhelmina. A skinny bitch compliments Betty on her Gucci, and kindly concedes the last salad to her before asking Christina if she's carb-loading for a marathon. Christina retorts that we all can't live on laxatives. We can't? I wish someone had told me this before! No wonder I've been feeling so weird. On the way to a table they run into Amanda, who calls Christina "seamstress" in a very Karen Walker type way. Amanda tries to convince Betty to trade her Gucci for Amanda's season tickets to the opera, so that Amanda can then trade the Gucci for her Louboutin boots. Christina says that Amanda is crazy, because if Betty wants to hear fat Italian guys screaming, she can open her window. Because she lives in Queens, you know. When they sit down, Betty asks Christina how much the bag is worth. The answer is $4,500, though with the pickle that Betty has sludged on it, that's probably knocked down to $4,200. Betty gets a certain look in her eye and funny soft music starts playing as we get a close up on The Bag That Is Obviously Going to Save the Ailing Father. Fashion heals! It's true.
Betty walks down the street in Queens as Walter stalks after her. She tells him to just go home and leave her alone. He looks really sad, and also like he is wearing too much bronzer. He peers through the window of the pharmacy, where a sad-looking Betty passes the bag across the counter to a gleeful Maria. Back at home, Betty tells her family that she went to see Maria, who gave 15 refills on Ignacio's prescription. Hilda asks how she managed to do that, and Justin asks where her Gucci is. Everyone knows what's up and is kind of sad about it. Hilda says that it's not fair that Wilhelmina gets to blow 25 grand in Rio and Betty has to trade her swag. Betty says that it's okay. Hilda says it's not okay, and Betty snaps that that's just the way it is and leaves the table. Hilda follows her into her bedroom, where Betty holds a picture of herself with Mama Suarez. Awww. Betty asks if Hilda remembers how angry she was when their mom gave Betty her purse. Hilda does. Betty was three, and, as we already might have heard a few times, used the bag to carry around her crayons. Betty says that she's figured out why their mom gave her the bag and not Hilda. She knew how it would make Betty feel. Betty says that Christina says that fashion is good for the soul, and that when she was walking around with her Gucci today, she felt like she did when she was three and holding their mom's purse. She actually felt pretty. Oooh, it's so sad! And, wait, hey! I know how everything can be remedied! Betty should totally go on Extreme Makeover! That would be one bad-ass crossover. Think about it as we head to commercials.
When we return, we are in the present. Christina says that Betty had to do it, no matter how much she loved the bag. She did the right thing. She asks if Betty then went to the guy on the corner to buy the fake. Betty says no way, because that thing cost $200. She just kept thinking of what Hilda said about how it wasn't fair that Wilhelmina got to blow $25,000 on props and extras in Rio, whereas they can't even afford their dad's happy heart pills. At this, the crazy custodian butts in to say, "Totally. You have no idea how they pad their expenses." See, if that were my crazy custodian, he would then continue to talk for TWENTY FIVE MINUTES. About nothing. Seriously, there's no escaping. At least that guy appears to actually be cleaning while doing so. That's pretty novel. Anyway, Betty says that she asked Justin to bring her the issue of Mode with the Rio spread.
So, back to the flashback. Betty walks with her Juan Valdez bag, prompting Christina to ask where the Gucci is. Betty says she didn't want to get another pickle on it. However, with Daniel around we can all be sure that she won't be able to avoid getting into another pickle. And not in the way that Amanda does. And speaking of, Amanda pops up out of nowhere to say that she realizes how inappropriate the offer for the opera tickets was, so instead has for Betty a Menudo box set and a coupon for 100 taquitos. Okay, that was awesome.
Betty heads down to Henry's office with a bagel, a cup of coffee, and a plan. And, of course, all the lust in her hairy, girlish heart. She says that she needs to see Wilhelmina's real expense report from the last issue. She notes that there was a $25,000 charge for props and extras, then opens up the issue to reveal an extremely simple bikini shoot. Cut to Daniel's office where Betty says that the spread of sand, water, and boobs could have been shot for to nothing. Daniel is all, "A-wha-da-der-da," because he's not the smartest. He does acknowledge that she might have padded it a little, and Betty says that $25,000 is her family's rent for a year. But Daniel says that he can't question the creative director of a major fashion magazine. Um, his fashion magazine. Get a spine, Himbo Playboy. Betty says that she's hiding a huge expense under props and extras, which isn't right. She adds that it's not right when Daniel does it either. Daniel says point taken, but adds that Oshi is due in a few hours. Betty says that if they can prove some wrongdoing, they'll take Wilhelmina down. Her company card will be cancelled as well, she won't be able to pay for the dinner with Oshi, and Bradford will never make her publisher. Daniel says that this means that he's left with $327 to take Oshi and his entourage out to dinner. Betty suggests that they ditch the entourage in favor of a more intimate getting to know you kind of thing. A... date? THAT would certainly add some context to the round, white, minimal idea. She also says that $300 is plenty. Daniel starts to acquiesce, but asks how they'll prove that Wilhelmina cheated.
Suddenly... it's Rio! A phone rings and a receptionist who, quite frankly, by the looks of it, actually could be in Queens, answers (in subtitles), "Good afternoon. Casa Brazil Rio." Betty says that she's calling from the office of Wilhelmina Slater in New York City. The receptionist says ah, of course, and then asks if she would like to speak to the "medico." "MEDICO?" asks Betty, because "medico" means doctor. Foul play, stumbled upon! Well done, Betty Drew.
Cut to Oshi's fashion show in Mode's hallway. As the models model, Wilhelmina asks Daniel if she's invited to the dinner, and notes that at Masa dishwashing isn't accepted as a form of payment. Daniel tells her that he was thinking of something a bit more private. He then turns to Oshi, and says that in the spirit of minimalism, he would like to have a one-on-one dinner. Marc, sitting a row behind, totally gets a scandalized look, because nothing is more scandalous than a Himbo Playboy proposing some hot interracial boy-on-boy action. Much to Wilhelmina's delight, Oshi shoots down the offer, basically by saying that Oshi is Oshi plus all of his lackeys. The entourage stays.
Just when things seem hopeless, Betty comes bumbling down the runway. Daniel rushes over and she apologizes, saying there wasn't another way in. She also tells him that Henry is meeting with Bradford. Daniel asks if there's any way they can hold him off, because they have $300 to feed 15 people. This means that they have to invite Wilhelmina so that she can pay. Betty tells him not to give up. Seriously, Daniel. WWBD? WWBD? I mean, I guess she would probably do what she's been telling him to do all along. That kind of takes the guesswork out of it. A model comes down with two white paper circles tenuously covering her chesticles. Marc stands up and says passionately that it's so minimal, it's nothing. Oshi says that yes, yes, simple is better. He repeats his mantra: round, white, minimal. Betty repeats these words like she's getting an idea.
Suddenly the show is over, and Wilhelmina toasts Oshi on his brilliant, simple collection. We pull back to Betty talking to Daniel, who can't believe whatever cockamamie scheme Betty has proposed to him. Meanwhile, Oshi is getting hungry and wants some more champagne. Daniel says that they can drink more champagne at Masa, adding an, "Isn't that right, Wilhelmina?" This, of course, means that she is invited, which brings her delight that almost results in an actual facial expression. That's a lot of joy, right there. She gets all charming with Oshi before noting to Daniel that Bradford will know who paid for dinner. She's a cold-hearted snake, that one!
Wilhelmina asks brightly if they should head to dinner. Enter Bradford (followed by Henry!), who says that actually, Wilhelmina has more pressing business. It's about the last issue's shoot in Rio. Betty gets a little smile. Bradford says that he doesn't mind paying for props and extras, but he takes great exception to financing Wilhelmina's Brazilian butt lift. Ho! Everyone gets reeeeeally quiet when he says this. And I'm so sure that he would do this in front of a client, but this show requires a certain suspension of disbelief. Wilhelmina is busted. Wilhelmina turns to Daniel and says that she's sure they'll all have a wonderful dinner without her. As she walks away, she pauses for a moment and says deadpan with a little sashay, "Stop looking at it." That was awesome. And really... I can't! Vanessa Williams has a really hot ass. In any case, despite this quite awesome victory, all is not well. Daniel says to Betty that it might as well be Oshi walking out the door. Betty says that they have a plan B, but Daniel says that they don't, and in fact, are screwed. Try to hold your suspense throughout the commercial break!
Oshi and his entourage head out in front of Betty and Daniel, who whispers that this cockamamie scheme had better work. Betty says that Oshi likes round, he likes white, he likes minimal, so it's perfect. They're going to feed him bleached Necco Wafers? Or pick out all the white Smarties? Bradford pops up to ask Daniel if he's taking Oshi somewhere special. Daniel says they're going somewhere unique. Bradford reminds Daniel that he's on his own dime and tells him not to lose Oshi. Betty says confidently that he won't. Bradford is all, "Who's this dumpy chick again?" He bows to Oshi, and as he goes down we see Wilhelmina and Henry in the office behind his head. Wilhelmina yells, "Good luck returning my ass!" Nice delivery, there, Vanessa Williams! Meanwhile, Oshi wants to know where they're going. Daniel answers, "... New Jersey." Why, it's just SO crazy that it might work!
They pull up to a poorly lit parking lot, where Daniel first says holy crap, and then that he can feel that this is going to be a disaster. Oshi, via his hilarious translator, yells, "What! Place! Is! This! Where have you brought me?" Turns out, it's hamburger chain "White Tassel." Betty helpful explains that it's clean, white, and minimal. And there's round food inside! Really, what could be more perfect? And, of course, Oshi likes it! Applause all around for Betty, who saves the day once again!
We don't have to watch the hamburger eating, thank goodness. Instead, we cut to Daniel dropping Betty off in Queens. He's on the phone with Bradford, and says that they got exclusives for Oshi's four collections. And so... Daniel gets his credit card reactivated! He says that Bradford is tough, but fair. Unless maybe he killed someone or something. You know. Daniel thanks Betty for the lesson. Betty repeats that it's not how much you have, but how you spend it, and Daniel says that he was thinking more along the lines of the one about not giving up. Awwwww. Betty gives an obligatory, "Fuhgeddaboudit." And speaking of forgetting about it, Walter is there. With a knockoff Gucci bag. Betty is touched. She says that it's wonderful, and then gives Walter a big hug. Nooooooooooo! And just when we've seen the power of Betty and Henry in the mutual supersleuthdom! Sigh.
Back at the office, Betty still gets compliments on her bag. She walks by Amanda, who says that her final offer is a body wax and a weekend at her parents' house in the Hamptons. Betty says no sale. Take the waxing, man. As Amanda says, "That includes the back!" But Betty has other plans. She gives the bag to Marc in exchange for one of the Gucci knock-offs from the guy down the street, and a huge favor to be named at a later date. Marc says that she won't fool anyone with a phony. But she already has! Sucka. She has a deal, and gives a big, charming, brace-face of a smile.
Return to the present moment. Christina gives kudos all around for Betty's finagling. The crazy custodian asks what will happen when Marc finds out. Christina says that's the genius, because Marc would never admit to being duped by Betty. And then Betty is finished packing. She says that she's only been there a short time, but she feels like she's made some good friends, and learned a lot. Christina says that this is just the beginning, and Betty says that she knows, but she wishes it didn't feel like the end. Christina says that she's really going to miss Betty, as Betty stumbles on her way out. Oh, something tells me you'll be seeing more of Betty, Christina!
week: a scandalous new episode! Male strippers! Some who are dressed like pirates! Secrets will be revealed! Lies will be exposed! Betty will be hauled off by security while yelling Daniel's name! I can't wait!