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DAMN THIS SHOW. I am about five minutes away from starting a Betty/Henry fan site, and so was Betty -- until she saw Henry kissing some hot supermodel at the Mode Christmas party! But what she doesn't know was that the model kissed him! HE DIDN'T WANT TO KISS HER, BETTY! HE LOVES YOU! Okay. Apparently, I got kind of invested this week. It's just that Betty is planning the office holiday party, and Henry is helping her with the budgeting, and they are totally meant to be, and it's like she has finally realized this, and will probably going to dump Walter, and then THIS MISUNDERSTANDING HAPPENS! I don't know if I can take it, especially since Henry called later to ask Betty if she wanted to watch Rudolph with him, and also to explain about the supermodel, and Hilda threw away the message because she's, like, obsessed with Betty and Walter for some dumb reason. Why would you DO THAT, Hilda? Why? Some other stuff happened, but damned if I can remember what it was. Oh, right: Daniel realizes he's in love with Salma; Betty and Daniel decide that Amanda is the one to replace Betty when she takes the job at NYW; Hilda makes up with Gina Gambaro; Dreamy Texan Ted Lebeau comes to see Wil for Christmas (yay!); and Marc thinks Wil is trying to kill him, when she actually just wants to give him a Hummer. The CAR, you perv. Okay, I made an inappropriate sex joke: I feel more like a snarky, dispassionate recapper again. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Happy holidays to you all! This is the last new episode for a while, and I must admit, I think it was one of the best episodes of the season so far. So let's get to it.
Betty works at her desk, lit only by Christmas lights, and accompanied by Christmas music. Before you know it, the delightfully dorky Henry rolls up, and the two of them flirt SHAMELESLY, yet also adorably awkwardly and nerdishly. For example, when Betty gives Henry Daniel's expense report, Henry notes that the total is exactly the same as the number of stars visible from earth on a good night. As you can imagine, this is "just something [he] knows." Betty is visibly charmed. Henry leans over her to fondle some vegetation she has on her desk. "Is this mistletoe?" he asks. Betty twitters that it's just holly, but Henry leans in and kisses her anyway. When they come up for air, he smiles and says, "Wow. You know what, Betty? You're just the girl I've been looking for."
It is at this point, of course, that Betty wakes up with a start, wearing her headgear and with her bangs in plastic rollers. She heaves a deep sigh and flops back on her pillow. She gazes over at a photo on her nightstand. In it, she and Walter are eating hot dog. Due to his sunglasses and his brown mock turtleneck sweater, Walter looks like a 1950s era hipster, but not in the cool way. In the way that implies he's about forty years too old for Betty.
Over at Daniel's, Salma is sleeping in one of Daniel's Harvard t-shirts. This explains why Daniel was under the mistaken impression that the Harvard/Yale game is the most important game of the year, since everyone thinks their own rivalry game is the most important. And this year, mine actually was: go Bruins! Anyway, Daniel is watching Salma sleep. There's some sleepy cuddling, and then Salma wakes with a start and starts chattering that she's going to miss her plane. She's struggling to put her panties back on underneath the sheets while Daniel moons that it's been an amazing three weeks. Salma agrees that it's been "intense." In fact, she wonders if maybe it would be good for them to "take a breather" while she's gone: "Time to cool off, apart. Just to make sure all of this is real." Daniel dreamily assures her that he knows it's real: "I love you." She puts on her Louboutain boots and wonders what Daniel knows from love: "Your heart racing, your palms sweating. You can barely breathe when you see me." Daniel protests that all of that happens to him when they're together. Salma shrugs this off as "hormones, infatuation, and good sex, not love." Daniel protests that he wants a life with her. Salma brushes her teeth and tells him to prove it by seeing other women while she's gone: "And if you don't get sweaty palms and all that when you're with them, then maybe this is real." Daniel protests that it's crazy for her to ask him to cheat on her to prove he loves her, but Salma shrugs that it's not cheating. It's just proving his theory. She needs Daniel to do it to convince her that she's not the only woman he feels this way about.
At home, Betty is freaking out to Hilda about her Sexy Henry dream. Hilda tells her to chill. She once had a hot dream about "the pimply guy who owns the Bakery on 85th," and that it didn't mean anything. So true. Just last night, I dreamed that I was dating Evil Dr. Will Kirby, and it totally doesn't mean that I'm hot for -- oh, except for how it totally does. ["Dude, you could totally do worse." -- Wing Chun] Betty rightly points out that there's a big difference between dreaming about Henry and dreaming about the grody bakery guy -- namely that Henry is hot, and that Betty went out with him once. Hilda, very firmly, tells Betty just to go to the Pro Buy office holiday party with Walter -- doesn't that sound like a kick? -- and forget about her dreams of making out with handsome, charming, smart Henry. As long as Betty doesn't jump Henry's bones, having hot sex dreams about him is totally harmless: "Avoid this Henry person and everything will be fine." Then she starts screaming at Justin to hurry it up.
Enter Ignacio, who is magically not in prison, despite having been dragged off by INS last week. He notes that Hilda has "the vocal cords of a large cat." "I HEARD THAT," she yells from the foyer. "And the ears of whatever animal hears best," Ignacio adds. "A dolphin. It's just something I know," Betty tells him. She then gasps and clasps her hand over her mouth, disgusted with herself for quoting her hot sex dream to her father, as well she should be. Finally, we get some exposition about the Immigration Situation: Ignacio has been assigned to some program called ISAP. They're sending over a case worker month, so we can all forget about it for the rest of the episode and concentrate on how cute America Ferrera and Chris Gorham are together.
There's a crash and a scream outside. Justin runs into the kitchen, breathlessly reporting, "Accident! Mom. Gina. Christmas tree." Justin has literally grown two or three inches since last week. Hilda and Gina tumble into the house, yelling at each other. Gina claims that Hilda ran over her Christmas tree, and Hilda retorts that she was aiming for Gina. Betty covers Justin's ears as the ladies continue to bicker and threaten each other with grievous violence, until Hilda tosses Gina out bodily. "Oops," says Hilda cheerfully to her family cheerfully, shrugging.
Mode. Wil is doing her holiday decorating, polishing a very chic menorah, which is sitting to some Jesus-y paraphernalia. Marc swings in with bagels, and wonders if Nico is coming home for Christmas. Wil explains that Nico is spending the holiday with her father, in Dubai. I hope her father is some kind of Sultan. Do they have Sultans in Dubai? Maybe I'm thinking about Brunei. Oh, what does it matter? This show is hardly harsh realism. "Besides, you know Christmas mornings for me are all about martinis and Valium," says Wil, as Marc takes a big bite of bagel. "Yum!" he says. "You KNOW I always eat that one," Wil reprimands him harshly. Marc silkily comments that he thought they were sharing everything, now that he knows about Fey, to whom he refers as "our mysterious friend." Wil is appropriately chastened and says, "That's right."
"That is SO WRONG," Amanda announces in a staff meeting. She is not talking about her own habit of wearing formal shorts, or the situation in Beirut: it seems that Mode needs to save money, and is therefore holding its holiday party at the office, to be organized by Betty. Speaking of Betty, Daniel announces that she's taking a position at MYW -- which I thought was actually called NYW this entire time. Whoops! In my defense, MYW and NYW sound almost exactly the same ["plus NYW seems like it probably would stand for New York Woman; what the hell would MYW stand for?" -- Wing Chun]-- and that anyone interested in being his assistant should pass his or her résumé along to Betty. It is worth nothing that Betty is wearing a red sweater with Santa embroidered on it. As everyone files out of the conference room, she wonders what Daniel thinks he's doing. "Something you're far too loyal to ever do," he replies. Betty wonders who will take care of Daniel when she goes, because her working relationship with Daniel is all about crossing the boundaries of appropriate office behavior. Daniel shrugs that they'll have to find someone else, reminding her, "Sometimes, we all have to take leaps of faith." He asks her to come with him to his office, because there's something he needs to tell her. Let me guess! He's got a secret love child in Indiana, and he'd like Betty to pretend to be its mother when Social Services comes to investigate! Or he needs a kidney transplant, and Hilda has agreed to give him hers! Or he's actually a woman!
Marc and Amanda leave the meeting. "Would it be inappropriate to throw a going-away party and not invite her?" Marc asks, nodding at Betty. Amanda giggles. They're cute, but we all know that they both secretly sort of love her. "You know who would be perfect for that job?" Amanda asks. "Anne Hathaway!" Marc chirps. Please, that whiny pain-in-the-neck? She'd be more annoying to Marc and Amanda than Betty is, with all her "I find fashion tiresome" and "I'd like to write for The New Yorker, though I can't properly conjugate a verb," and her habit of throwing perfectly cute Bedazzled Sidekicks into fountains. "No," says Amanda. "Me." Marc chortles...until he realizes that she is totally serious. "Oh, of course. Yeah! Love your confidence!" he covers, rolling his eyes.
In Daniel's office, Betty agrees that Salma's whole We Were On A Break! plan makes no sense at all. Daniel concedes that he's never been good at fidelity, but says he's also never felt this way about a woman before. With this, he pulls out a bunch of wee blue boxes from Tiffany, each of which contains a gorgeous diamond engagement ring, and lines them up in a row on his desk: "I'm through with being a bachelor. For good." Betty's jaw drops. "Oh my GOD! Are you serious?" she asks. "I mean, congratulations. It's great!" Daniel tells Betty he knows what she's thinking, but adds that when you know, you know. And he does. Know. Betty tells him that she's sincerely happy for both him and Salma. And she's relieved that he doesn't plan to test Salma's theory, since "Belle Jolie" is sending over its lingerie line today, "on their models." Daniel looks up from this Row of Diamonds, and his jaw drops.
Betty finds a huge pile of résumés on her desk -- like, how many people even WORK at Mode? Do they ALL want to work for Daniel? -- and when she lifts them up, she finds a gift. It's a beautiful leather notebook with the inscription: "For all your great ideas at MYW." She waves it at Daniel and gives him a "thank you" thumbs up. Daniel -- still mesmerized by diamonds -- looks up and gives her a very confused thumbs up in return.
Betty heads up to Reception, where Amanda coos disingenuously about her sweater. Betty has no time for this ass-kissing, but Amanda soon gets to the point, telling Betty to pick her, choose her, love her as Daniel's new assistant: "You know you wanna." Betty is all, "Are you out of your mind? With your past with Daniel?" Amanda shakes her head and asks if Betty remembers the very first thing Amanda said to her. "Are you the 'before'?" Betty recalls flatly. "The second thing," Amanda corrects herself. "'Are you delivering something?'" Amanda rolls her eyes, and reminds Betty that she's wanted the assistant job before Betty even showed up, cooing, "I have a brain to go with this beautiful body, Betty." Betty gives her the classic "girl, please" look, but just blinks and say, "Yeah, okay." Amanda begs Betty to let her prove how good an assistant she would be: she can help plan the office party! She knows almost everyone in Manhattan and can get them tons of free stuff. Betty shrugs and agrees: "Anything else?" Why, yes. The fake snow Betty ordered has arrived. Amanda hands her an enormous bag of it.
Betty struggles down the hall behind the bag of snow, almost running smack into pretty much everyone she works with. She and Henry then hit the Meet Cute Trifecta; they run into each other, drop what they're holding, and bump heads. Fake snow goes everywhere. Henry delicately tries to remove it from Betty's bangs, but then recovers and apologizes for being so unprofessional. "Actually, Betty, you're just the girl I've been looking for," he begins. And she starts to protest that, no, she really, really isn't, but before it gets too embarrassing, Henry explains that he's in charge of monitoring the holiday party budget: "So I guess I'll be on top of you for the couple days." There is an hilariously awkward pause, before he quickly adds, "Party-wise." Betty looks disappointed that he didn't mean "sex-wise," but manages to nod or something, and then they try to take their leave of each other, but can't get past each other in the hallway. When they finally do, Betty looks down at her sweaty, sweaty palms. "'Oh, crap," she says.
After the ads, Betty goes into Daniel's office and announces that the underwear models are there. He looks up and sees that one of them is his ex-girlfriend, Erin: "She broke my heart. She was my first." Betty looks askance, and he explains that she wasn't his FIRST first -- just his first SUPERMODEL. Erin comes prancing into Daniel's office in her undies, and he asks Betty to bring in the rest of the models. "That's gonna help," snorts Betty.
On Betty's desk, there is yet another pile of résumés. "Amanda?" Betty says, looking at the first one, and wrinkles her nose. Her tone of voice indicates that this is the first time she considered Amanda applying for the job, but they just talked about it, so that was a wee moment of disconnect. She tosses the résumé back into the pile and then looks up to see Erin Underwear caressing Daniel's check. Betty runs in and tells Daniel that she thought he'd like to know that HIS GIRLFRIEND's plane landed safely. And also that the photo department is ready for the models. She presses herself against his door as all the girls do the runway stomp past her. It's pretty amusing, although, to be quite technical about it, I'm not sure that keeping Daniel on the straight and narrow is entirely Betty's concern.
Oh, God, it's time for the Pro Buy Christmas party, where we met Walter's boss, Ralph, and his wife, whom I shall call Janice. As in "OH. MY. GOD. Chandler." Now, to prevent me from spending too much time in Walterland, which would cause me to break out in hives, let me just say the following: Betty's sweater vest has poinsettias embroidered on it, Janice is wearing a skirt with a huge, silk-screened tiger face across the front, and her discussion with Janice makes Betty wonder if a life with Walter will doom her to a life in Queens. You see, Janice used to work in Manhattan as well: "You'll get tired of it, too. We're Queens girls, Betty. Born and bred. We belong here." We've discussed this on the boards a bit, and while I get that the Queens/Manhattan dichotomy is very important to the show, this does seem a bit over the top. I mean, they're right to each other. It's not like Betty is commuting from Amish country.
Back at the magazine, Marc is sitting under Wil's tree -- which is white and decorated in black lacquered ornaments, most of which appear to be shoes -- and shaking the presents. He hears her coming, so leaps up and hide behind the tree. Thinking she is alone, Wil places a call to Fey. They have another typically vague conversation. "You mean Marc?" says Wil. "I'm working on it. He won't be a problem much longer. After I'm done, he will be silenced. Permanently." Behind the tree, Marc looks terrified. Wil hangs up and looks at the tree, which is shaking a bit. She comes over...but merely adjusts a wayward shoe before walking out. Behind a branch, Marc sucks on his inhaler.
It is late, and the office is dark. Amanda sneaks into Daniel's office, and twirls around on his office chair. Mid-spin, she spies all the Tiffany boxes and squeals. She tears them open, and almost has a heart attack when she sees the princess-cut, canary yellow, six-carat number. It is spectacular. In an Elizabeth Taylor kind of way. Amanda tries it on -- admittedly, I would have, too -- and rubs it against her cheek, moaning. She then admires it properly, and sighs, and takes it off. Or tries to. The ring, she is stuck. Amanda panics and tugs. Nothing. She starts frantically licking her finger (there are sort of hilarious licking sound effects on the soundtrack as well), to no avail.
Pro Buy Party. Janice and Betty do Jell-O shots and have an awkward conversation (awkward for me and Betty, but less so for Janice) about when you know your man is the one. Hey! I read an article about that in Cosmo just last week. In the course of said conversation, we learn that Janice has heard that Walter is sure Betty is The One. Except, presumably, for all those times when he thinks Gina Gambaro is the one. Betty looks less than thrilled.
Now, for a five-second moment with Bradford, and the dude he hired to stuff ML in an empty grave. Apparently, a relative claimed Fey's remains from the morgue, and there's paperwork to prove it. "After all of this, Fey Sommers is really dead," says Bradford. THE END.
I mean, it's the end of the scene, but can't those papers be faked? I recapped The X-Files, people, and if there's anything I've learned, it's that nothing ever dies.
Elsewhere at the magazine, Marc brings Wil her breakfast: bagels again. "I brought your favorite. Whole wheat!" her chirps. Wil, in a fab silvery brocade coat, crabs that he's too late: "Yesterday was carb day." Marc's face falls, and he wonders if she's staying for the party. "Unfortunately," she tells him. "You better show up too. You never know what surprises might be in store. By the way, what is your home address? Just sending a special delivery your way. 'Tis the season." Marc makes friends with Mr. Inhaler once again. This is the part in the recap where I talk about how Vanessa L. Williams is awesome. The threat she put in those lines would make Joan Collins proud.
Betty escorts a girl out of the office. This girl has interviewed to be Daniel's assistant, but it is quite clear that she would like to be more than that. For your information, today's Holiday Sweater is: Snowmen! As Betty shoves the girl into the elevator, Amanda sympathizes that it's really hard to find good help. She, by the way, is wearing gloves to conceal Daniel's ring. She gives Betty the party update: she is, to give credit, doing an excellent job at getting good stuff for cheap by calling in favors, and rightly notes that her organizational skills here are a sign that she would be a great assistant. Betty sighs and tells Amanda that she really appreciates the help, but that Amanda isn't the right person for the job: "I'm sorry." Betty: no, you're not.
Betty finds another gift on her desk. This one is a snow globe of the Manhattan skyline, which she shakes with glee. "Hey, Betty," says Henry, showing up at her desk with a box of ornaments. In case she needs them. For the party. Betty assures him that she has everything under control, and Henry looks a little sad: "So basically, you don't even need me." "NOPE!" Betty sings. Henry puts down his box of ornaments and picks up the globe. He asks whether she knew that the snow inside these was originally made of particles of gold foil: "It sounds beautiful, right? I'd never even seen real snow until I'd gotten off the plane in New York." Betty is drawn to this in spite of herself, and wonders how that's possible. Henry tells her that he grew up in Tucson: "I used to think that all snow looked like gold foil until I got here. Silly, huh?" Betty says, "No, not at all," but she means, "OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU."
Casa Suarez. Justin is making a gingerbread house -- perhaps to replace the one Amanda ate -- while Hilda goes over Justin's wish list. It includes: a soccer ball, a renewed subscription to Martha Stewart Living, and "for Grandpa never to go away." Aw. Hilda is mid-comfort when she glances outside and notices that someone has moved their outside decorations. She and Justin both peer out that window. "And what's Santa doing to that elf?" Justin wonders. Hilda covers his eyes and declares that this has "the skankprints of Gina Gambaro all over it." Justin reminds his mother that she did run over Gina's tree, and that Christmas is a time of love and forgiveness. "Grow up, Tiny Tim," snaps Hilda. "This means war." She and her Juicy sweatsuit storm off to wreak some revenge.
Back at the office, Betty and Henry are waxing nostalgic about Claymation Christmas specials. Me, I'm a Charlie Brown Christmas kind of girl. Henry tells Betty that they did all that with puppets. "Just something you know?" Betty asks, and Henry blushes that he has a weird talent for remembering useless facts. Betty smiles that it's not useless: "It's cute." They stare at each other. It gets dark. Henry leans in toward some greenery on her desk and asks Betty if... "IT'S JUST HOLLY! IT'S HOLLY!" Betty yells, dismissing him. The lights come back up, and Henry wonders if he'll see her at the party. "Hmm mmm," Betty says. Henry leaves. I love you, Henry. I mean, BETTY loves you, Henry.
Amanda is decorating the office when Betty comes up and tries to give her some more ornaments. Amanda ignores her, so Betty tosses one -- still in the box -- right at her. Amanda turns, horrified, and reaches up to fix her curls...and there's the ring, shiny and huge on her finger. "I can explain," she tells the horrified Betty.
After the ads, Betty begs Amanda to tell her that she met some rich hot stockbroker and they're engaged and running off to Paris together. "Ooh," says Amanda. "Amanda!" Betty yelps. "What, like that's so impossible?" asks Amanda. Betty knows it's one of Daniel's rings: "Take it off! We have to put it back before he notices! You know those things must be worth like HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS." Hee. Amanda admits that she kind of can't. It's sort of, you know, stuck. Betty gasps. "I know what you you're thinking, but I don't have FEELINGS for Daniel anymore," Amanda swears. Hilariously, she does air quotes around "feelings," but only with one hand, since Betty is frantically tugging on the other. Betty thinks Amanda is in Daniel Denial, but Amanda protests that she really isn't. She knows Daniel is ready to commit, and not to her. Betty tugs on the ring so hard that she actually falls over onto her back, one of her feet landing on a nearby stool. Amanda doesn't help her up, but just brushes her foot off the stool and takes a seat: "You can't deny your feelings, Betty, and I don't feel anything for Daniel. Not anymore." She swears she's going to get the ring back where it belongs, and sweeps out. "THANKS!" Betty yells from the floor.
Later, Marc gets in the elevator. An extremely shifty-looking mobster-type guy comes in after him. He totally looks like a hit man. "Hey, you don't know Marc St. James, do you?" Hitman asks, getting reeaaaal close to Marc. "I HATE THAT GUY," Marc says. After a tense beat, the elevator plops them out at the party. As soon as Hitman leaves, Marc makes two faces: a shocked "OH MY GOD," followed by a tearful "I'M GOING TO DIE." Michael Urie is so divine.
The party is in full swing. Behind her desk, Amanda is dancing her little ass off, tugging on the ring, like that's the newest dance step. Marc comes up to her. "Are you...packing heat?" he asks. "ALWAYS," she purrs. Marc rolls his eyes. "Amanda, I'm not FLIRTING with you," he retorts, and wonders if anyone there has a gun. "Look around," says Amanda. "We're a bunch of unstable, hungry, backstabbing bitches. Do you really think anyone would sell us guns? Relax! Have a drink." Marc, angrily -- and correctly -- notes that it's easy for her to say: "YOUR BOSS DOESN'T WANT YOU DEAD!" He storms off. As soon as he's gone, Amanda wrenches her hand out of the ice bucket she'd hidden it in and scream-moans in pain. She then puts her gloves back on and gets back to dancing.
Elsewhere at the party, Henry is walking around looking adorable in a red sweater, and Betty is wearing a TERRIBLE light-up Christmas tree vest over what I suspect is actually a fairly cute polka dotted dress. Amanda comes up and jokes that Betty looks radiant, and then looks at her face and adds, "...seriously." And Betty does look pretty. I mean, it helps that, underneath all that hoo-ha, America Ferrera is really attractive. Betty returns the compliment, and she and Amanda toast to all their hard work. Amanda rightly notes that everything looks better when you dim the lights and drink a bottle of champers. She wonders if Betty believes that Amanda can do the assistant job now, and Betty admits that Amanda is obviously smart enough. She just doesn't know if Amanda can look out for Daniel the way he needs it. They watch, in fact, as Daniel stands with Erin Underwear. "What's Daniel doing with McSlutty over there?" snaps Amanda. "I thought he was getting serious with Charo." Betty notes that this is exactly what she's talking about. Like a small child, Daniel requires constant supervision, or he'll put the wrong thing in his mouth. Betty starts to go over there, but Amanda stops her; she'll run interference "with the Trashonista": "See if I can fill your shoes after all." She then looks down at Betty's shoes and gags. She bounces across the dance floor and drags Erin away to dance with her. Betty smiles, and shakes her head, and then she and Henry meet eyes. Across the crowed room. She smiles, and indicates to him that he's got powdered sugar on his nose. He wipes it off. There is much smiling and gazing at each other, as Betty's heart pounds so loudly that it overcomes the music on the soundtrack.
Elsewhere, Christina is hammered and hitting (and sitting) on Santa. She asks for "a heart for Wil, courage for Marc, and a brain for Amanda." What Christina doesn't know, of course, is that they've had exactly that all this time. She's just never noticed.
Speaking of Marc, Wil is looking for him. He takes refuge in the ladies' room.
Betty ends up at Reception, where she attempts to compose herself after her heart-pounding gaze-a-thon with Henry. She sees Henry heading her way, so she plays Susan Mayer and hides under the desk. Henry, of course, finds her when she cracks her head on the underside of the table. Betty stutters that she was just looking "for this," reaching up into Amanda's purse and pulling out a strand of condoms. I must admit that I chortled aloud at this. Betty is MORTIFIED, and stammers that she just wanted to make sure everyone was being, you know, safe: "You know. Office party hookups." Helping her up, Henry chuckles that Betty's being very responsible, and helps her up. He tells her to come back to the party with him: "Beauty is making snow angels." He finds the corkscrew and tells her that's what he was looking for. Awkward sexual tension ensues as Henry holds a bottle of wine and Betty holds the condoms. Sounds like Friday night! Thank you, I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitress! "Okay!" Betty says. "Okay! Have fun!" "You too!" "Okay!" Oh, you two! JUST DO IT. You HAVE the condoms. Which Betty throws down like they're burning her hands as soon as Henry leaves.
Elsewhere at the party, Christina drags Santa into the ladies' room to do it. I hope THEY have condoms. And I am happy to tell you that that is the last of Christina that we see this week. That is about as much Christina as I can take, and I'm not even sure why: I don't dislike the actress at all. I do think that I like Marc and Amanda so much that Christina is kind of superfluous, especially now that Betty and Amanda are sort of friendly, and because it's not like Christina is really all that helpful. Shortly after Christina disappears into the bathroom, Marc comes racing out, gagging: "I thought it was bad enough watching Santa come down the chimney." It sounds dirty, but doesn't make a ton of sense when you think about it. Not only is Marc scarred by Santa Sex, but Wil and Hitman have found him. "Well, hello there," says Wil. She seems very serious and angry, and tells Marc she's been looking for him everywhere: "Will you please come with us?" DUM DUM DUM. "Love to," gulps Marc, and takes a huge swig of his booze.
Back in Daniel's office, Erin Underwear is basically trying to seduce him, all talking about, you know, her underwear and stuff. Betty isn't there to save him, either -- she's cutting a rug out on the dance floor. She looks over and sees Erin plant one on Daniel. She's horrified, but Amanda pops up and races in there to save the day: "Daniel! ARGH! ARGH! DANIEL! I NEED YOU, THERE'S A FIRE IN-- oh, screw it. Just stop kissing that tramp. You are practically engaged." Daniel kind of ignores her, but looks down at his hands. "Dry as a bone," he says to himself, and then tells Erin she's beautiful (Erin: "I know"), but that he's in love with someone else. "Her?" Erin asks, nodding at Amanda. "Because I'm sure the three of us could, uh, work something out." Amanda? Intrigued. But out of luck. "Not her," says Daniel. Betty watches all of this with interest. Erin Underwear storms out.
Queens. Hilda, wearing sunglasses, brings in a still-lit reindeer head. "I am so good," she says, removing the glasses. In the living room, Ignacio and Justin are wrapping gifts. Justin eyes the reindeer head apprehensively as Ignacio reminds Hilda that Gina's parents are off on a cruise to Alaska and that she's all alone for the holidays. Maybe Hilda could give Gina a break? Hilda scoffs, and the power goes off. Outside, someone screams. The head, amusingly, is still turned on. "Santa?" asks Justin.
But it's actually Gina, who's sitting on the Suarez front stoop, all their Christmas lights wrapped all around her body. "Well, if it isn't the bitch who stole Christmas," Hilda says, and smacks her. Gina whines that she thinks her leg is broken, and Hilda tries to help her up, but somehow ends up sitting to her. "Why does it always have to be such a competition with you, Gina?" she sighs. Gina reminds Hilda that it's been this way ever since Hilda stole her "Electric Youth" routine and won Miss Junior Teen Queen. Well, I would still be pissed about that, too. "I can never win with you," Gina concludes. Hilda sasses that she should stop trying, but is overcome by a wave of Christmas spirit and invites her in for nog. Gina sort of nods, and then she totally lights up as the power comes back on. I mean, she literally lights up. Not her face. "It's a Christmas miracle!" Justin cries from inside.
Down in the Mode parking garage, Marc is about to meet his maker. "Will you give it to him already?" Wil directs Hitman, and Marc throws up his hands in abject fear and swears that he didn't mean anything he said, "EVER." He will never speak again! But instead of shooting him, Hitman presses the button on a set of keys, which unlocks the giant black Hummer in front of which they're standing. Marc shrieks like he thinks the key chain is a Glock, but then realizes he's still alive. "Merry Christmas, Marc," Wil says icily. "Huh? What? This?" Marc says, looking at the car. Why, yes. It seems that The Hitman is Jody Pinetti, of Pinetti Auto Mall, and the car is Marc's hush money/Christmas gift and bigger than his apartment. I would kill to see him try to parallel-park that. Wil's icy face melts a little when Marc asks, "Are you trying to buy my silence? Because that's a definite possibility." He looks at the car and smiles.
Up in the office, Betty tells Daniel that she's found his new assistant. And it's Amanda. "Amanda...who?" Daniel asks. "AMANDA," says Betty. "Pretty, blonde, kind of a bitch, sits at the big circular desk?" She explains that Amanda will protect him the way she would, and Daniel agrees that she just did. "So, if you're serious about this, then, I guess this is goodbye," Betty tells him. Wait. What is this emotion I am feeling? Why, I think it's SADNESS. To mark her leaving, Daniel gives Betty a gift: it's her new MYW business cards, in a beautiful silver Tiffany card holder. Betty is super-touched. She sighs that she doesn't know what to say, but instead tearfully thanks him "for everything." Daniel tells her, through a lump in his throat, that he's very proud of her: "I know you're destined for bigger things than this." They hug. They both look so sad. Aw. Man. That was actually quite touching. Betty starts to go, but then turns and asks if the other gifts weren't from him, then? Nope. "Merry Christmas, Daniel," says Betty. "Merry Christmas, Betty," says Daniel. And sighs.
Betty walks out to her desk and looks down at the snow globe, and then across the party at Henry, who waves at her. She smiles and waves back.
So, Daniel calls Salma and leaves the following message, which we hear over footage of the party. "You do take my breath away. [Henry smiles at Betty. She gazes back at him, dreamily.] You make my heart beat faster. You make my palms sweat. [Amanda looks down at her own sweaty palms, and up at Daniel, sadly. The engagement ring finally falls to the floor.] But that doesn't mean I don't love you. It means I do. You know, sometimes your heart knows things your mind can't explain. And my heart doesn't race for anyone else. [It's a totally gaze-orama between Betty and Henry.] I love you, [Salma]." He goes to hang up, and then thinks better of it: "It's, um, Daniel, by the way." I laughed out loud at that moment all three times I saw it.
Henry smiles at Betty -- a very sweet, very sexy smile -- and I think I might actually be in love with him myself. Have I mentioned that? Betty smiles back, and caterers walk between her and Henry, and when they've moved out of the way, lo and behold, Henry is kissing Erin Underwear! It is clearly a kiss that she has planted on him, because he doesn't seem that into it, but Betty's face falls so sadly that I don't think she's realized that. I also must admit that I might have screamed "NOOOO!" here in my apartment. Betty gets her stuff, and runs away, missing seeing a disgusted Henry pushing Erin Underwear away, and turning back to look for Betty. Noooooo! No!
Betty races out of the office and into the elevator, even though Henry is chasing her, and lets the elevator door close in his face. Nooooooooo! No! Betty! NOOOO! It's all a MISUNDERSTANDING!
Queens. A demoralized Betty gets home to see Gina and Hilda doing each other's makeup on the sofa. "Justin, does this need more glitter?" Ignacio asks his grandson, holding a Christmas stocking. "Absolutely," Justin responds. Betty's mouth drops open. "Did hell freeze over?" she asks. They all look at her briefly, and then get back to what they were doing.
At the office, the party is over, and Amanda is doing some clean-up. Daniel comes over to her and tells her that Betty thinks she should be his new assistant: "I do too." Amanda is thrilled. Daniel kindly tells her that he knows she's more than just a pretty face: "So what do you think? Can we do this? Work together?" "Absolutely," she says. "Professionals." And they shake on it. If this is actually going to happen, it could be kind of hilarious.
, in a development that I absolutely did not see coming and which DELIGHTED me, we then pop over to visit Wil in her office. As did someone else: dashing Texan Ted LeBeau, come to surprise her at Christmas. "Looks like I missed some party," he says, looking around. He chuckles at how thrilled she obviously is to see him. I am thrilled at how freaking awesome her jacket is.
Back at the Suarez house, Betty and Hilda are having sister jammie time. Betty asks Hilda what happens if she wakes up and she's forty-five years old and she's never been on a plane, like Janice from the Pro Buy party. Hilda's not worried: she knows Betty can do anything she wants to do. Betty hopes she's right, about everything, and hands her a Polaroid of her and Walter, taken at the Pro Buy party. Hilda looks at it for a beat, and then says she wishes Betty could appreciate how much Walter loves her. Betty says that she does appreciate it. DO WE NOT REMEMBER HOW HE CHEATED ON HER? I mean, I understand that people make mistakes, but wouldn't we have seen an actual apology from him, rather than just his half-assed groveling? Betty just wishes she were sure. You know, seeing as she's not getting the sweaty palms or racing heart. With Walter, anyway.
The doorbell rings. It is Walter. Betty rushes up to wish him a merry Christmas, and he comes waltzing into the living room with nary a kiss on the forehead or a hello or a hug or anything that you expect to get from your loving boyfriend when he finally gets home late on a cold holiday night. He just wants to know why their Christmas lights spell "Hilda sucks." Which, to give credit where it is due, is not a bad question. Betty tells him not to ask, and they take a seat on the sofa. There is no kiss. I am more affectionate with my neighbors. Walter wonders if she's ready for one last present. It seems that Daniel helped him sneak in the others -- the journal, the snow glob. Betty is thrilled, and opens the final offering. It is an NYC calendar. I am incredibly relieved that it isn't an engagement ring. Betty's flipping through it when the phone rings.
And oh my goodness, it's Henry, calling from the office. Hilda takes the call, and when she finds out who's calling, she says she has to take a message. Henry thinks about explaining the whole thing, but finally just asks Betty to call him instead: "I just wanted to let her know that Rudolph is on tomorrow night. She can call me if she wants to watch it. You know. Together." Hilda says that she'll give her sister the message. She is a dirty liar.
Back at the office, Henry sits at Amanda's big desk and sighs. Henry totally needs to get Amanda on the case here. I feel like she would delight in assisting with the office hook-up.
In Queens, Hilda looks at Betty looking at Walter's calendar, and CRUMPLES UP HENRY'S MESSAGE AND THROWS IT OUT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
On the sofa, Walter tells Betty that he knows she thinks he doesn't get her new Manhattanite life, but that he wants to try: "I want to be part of it." She thanks him for that, and they kiss. When they part, she looks down at her totally dry palms, and is thoughtful. We pull out and hear no beating heart -- only the sound of the ticking clock.