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Let's all give thanks for a great episode. Daniel is totally hung over and recuperating from his bender at Betty's house when an emergency arises at the office: movie stars "Tim" and "Chloe" are giving Mode the first snaps of their baby, "Chutney" (tee hee), but they've only got a few hours to put the shoot together. Daniel is too messed up to move, so Ignacio nurses him while Betty covers for him and basically runs the show. Eventually, Daniel -- so moved by Betty's functional family (minus Santos, who storms out when he realizes that Hilda doesn't care that their son is gay) -- comes up with a great idea for the shoot, and actually does his job. He also gets the guts to tell Salma that he loves her and prevents her from running off to marry Hunter. In other news, Salma is so impressed by Betty's abilities at the office that she offers her a job at NYW. Betty's not planning on taking it until Daniel tells her that he'd never stand in the way of her career. Also, Wil knows that Marc has been calling Fey, and she's torturing him about it. Everything looks glum for our favorite pocket-square fan until the two of them end up stranded in Queens on the way to pick up Tim and Chloe. Under extreme and amusing duress, Wil accidentally admits that she's trying to take over Mode. Marc, no dummy, sets the price for his silence high: he wants a title. And a company credit card. Everything looks rosy for our team until -- holy crap! -- Immigration arrests Ignacio! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I hope all you Americans out there had a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend. Mine was delightful, and I was certainly thankful that M. Giant was able to sub for me so brilliantly last week.
As romantic music swells, Daniel -- fast asleep and wrapped in Little Mermaid sheets -- drools all over Ariel. Judging from the framed photo of Betty sitting to the bed, he's either passed out at the Suarez household, or in the household of a Betty-fixated stalker who is considerably more interesting than Walter. Daniel sort of wakes up, and Betty, standing to the bed, chirps that she's glad he's awake. Daniel wonders what he's doing there, and Betty reminds him that she picked up his drunk ass at the bar the night before; she was going to take him home, and then she realized that he might "choke on his own vomit," since he lives alone -- great, something else for me to worry about -- so she brought him home to stay with her. (I must note that with better hair, shoes and accessories, Betty's patterned-shirtdress-over-turtleneck outfit would be pretty cute.) Daniel blinks, drunkenly, and asks, "You slept...where?" "In your arms," Betty tells him, but she only lets him freak out for a minute or so before letting him off the hook and telling him to relax: she slept on the sofa downstairs. Relieved, Daniel mutters that he feels like his tongue is wearing a sweater and, while they're talking about it, the room is way too bright. Ah, Hangover City. I was once mayor. Betty asks what happened with Salma, and Daniel groans that she left with her perfect boyfriend: "He'll probably propose to her with his perfect chin." He explains that Salma wants to do the whole white picket fence/baby thing, and doesn't think Daniel's the kind of guy who's up to that. Wow, where would she have possibly gotten that idea about Daniel "Manwhore" Meade? The thing is, he knows she's right: "I'm not that guy, am I?" Betty looks thoughtful and suggests that maybe he could call back the one Danish girl he went out with that one time! Daniel tells Betty not to try to fix this. It's a lost cause. Wah wah wah, etc. Betty insists that she's not trying to fix it, but asks Daniel to look at her as an example. Last summer, she was "mopping up at a cat hospital," and today, she's an executive assistant at Mode! "A lot can change in a short time," she says. Daniel tries to sit up, but his head is killing him, and he falls back on Ariel, groaning. "Don't choke, don't choke!" Betty warns him, and pushes his head over to the side. She must have seen one powerful Afterschool Special about the danger of choking on your own barf. "Stay!" she orders, taking off.
Mode. Wil is complaining about "the animals" who used her office as "a prom limo" the day before. Marc feigns innocence: "What's wrong with people? Why can't they be satisfied with watching the parade? And The Sound Of Music for, like, the eightieth time?" I can tell you from personal experience that the eightieth time is just as delightful as the first. Wil cocks a brow and asks if that's what Marc did for Thanksgiving. Marc lies that he left Schenectady right before "the Von Trapps escape from the Nazis." Why would you leave then? There are only, like, ten minutes left at that point. And who wants to leave before the reveal that the nuns removed the carburetors from the Nazis' cars? Or the part where dreamy Captain Von Trapp talks Young Nazi Rolf into not selling them out? Or the part where they climb over the mountain, singing? Okay, fine: I totally love The Sound Of Music. Wil whips a cashew out of her pocket and announces that she found it beneath her chaise. We flash back to last week, when Marc and Amanda called Fey from Wil's phone, just in case all the trypophan from your turkey meal made you forget that Marc did not, in fact, spend Thanksgiving with the nuns. Wil delicately sets the offending nut on Marc's hand: "Who on this staff would willingly eat something that's fifteen grams of fat per serving?" Marc stutters, but is saved when the phone rings. Wil gets it, and tells Marc to "study the teeth imprints." He pretends to, while she talks to Bradford, who tells her to turn on FashionTV. This week, the host is the delightful Isaac Mizrahi. Isaac, I ordered a pair of your leopard-print ballet flats from Target six weeks ago! Where are they? See what you can do about that. Isaac sayeth: "Rumor has it that Tim, Chloe, and baby Chutney will be stopping in Gotham for a layover on their way to Prague." Does this mean we'll all get a look at Baby Chutney? Isaac hopes so, because he's beginning to think Chloe has been nursing "a slab of swiss cheese." Will listens to Bradford, and then squeaks that "Tim" (hee) and "Chloe" (hee) have chosen Mode to "reveal Baby Chutney." (Hee hee.)
Queens. Despite its being the Friday after Thanksgiving, Betty is going in to the office to get some work done. Ignacio is annoyed, both that she's working on a holiday, and that she's leaving him to babysit Drunky McMeade. Betty assures her father that Daniel will be conked out until she gets back, but adds that, if he does come to, Ignacio should offer him breakfast and be nice. "Don't MURDER HIM" is what she means, but does not say. Also, Ignacio shouldn't mention Salma to Daniel: "He's in really bad shape." Ignacio shakes his head: "Who is this woman?" Santos -- right on cue -- strolls in wearing a (rather covetable) kimono. One obligatory Memoirs Of A Geisha joke later, Ignacio somehow manages to suppress the urge to stab his deadbeat almost-son-in-law with his paring knife, and just mutters that he misses the days when Santos snuck out in the middle of the night. Betty goes off to work.
Betty finds Salma in Daniel's office, leaving Daniel a note. Salma explains that she's hard at work on the NYW launch, and wonders if Daniel is coming in, too. Betty kind of manages to escape without saying, "No, because you broke his heart and he's trying not to vomit on my Disney sheets," but Salma chases Betty out to her desk, and explains that she left Daniel a whole bunch of messages. Is he ignoring her? Dude, you just saw him last night. He probably left his phone at the bottom of the bar urinal. Not that I've ever done that. No, really, I seriously haven't. But if I were a man, I'm pretty sure that would have happened to me sometime between 1996 and 2004. Salma worries that she wonât hear from Daniel before she leaves for Maine. Betty wonders what's happening in Maine, and Salma explains that Hunter's found some big house there, where they can raise their enormous brood of beautiful babies. She off-handedly notes that they'll probably get married in a lobster boat. This weekend. I have no issue with Salma wanting to get married and have a million babies, and also run a magazine, but the commute from Maine is going to bite. "'Married'?" Betty squeaks. Salma nods, self-satisfied, and very overly interested in Betty's reaction. And this is the first time I really suspected that Salma might be fabricating the whole relationship with Hunter in order to manipulate Daniel. Which she might not be -- it's just a theory -- but Salma Hayek played it that way. Betty awkwardly congratulates her and reminds her to pack her Dramamine. Salma sighs -- very obviously -- that she just doesn't know what to do: "I'm not sure I even want to go." Why, you ask? It's complicated. It has to do with Daniel. But he's such a womanizer....Salma doesn't think he would even care about her feelings for him. "Do you?" she asks Betty, sharply. Betty sputters that she has no idea and, in fact, must get back to work. "Me too. Got a plane to catch," says Salma, sauntering out.
Queens. Daniel -- totally green -- sneaks downstairs. Everyone is chattering in the kitchen, and as Daniel tries to get out the door, he overhears Hilda saying that they can't afford to buy a Christmas tree this year, because of Ignacio's legal bills. Justin is, predictably, disappointed. Daniel's eavesdropping has prevented him from escaping, because it is at this point that Ignacio comes out of the kitchen and forces Daniel into the dining room for some breakfast. I am pretty sure Daniel is still drunk. Which is the most disappointing feeling in the world. You're supposed to wake up feeling...not still drunk. Daniel sits down at the table, where Justin gazes at him adoringly, and Santos is equally impressed, due to the fact that Daniel apparently once dated Angelina Jolie. "A real player, bro," Santos calls him, and taps him fraternally. Eric Mabius is doing an awesome job of looking very, very close to vomiting throughout this entire scene, but I have to say that I find it REALLY HARD TO BELIEVE that Angelina Jolie would go for Daniel Meade. Don't get me wrong: he's super-cute, in that bumbling Hugh Grant kind of way, but there is no sexy oomph there. There's a whole other kind of oomph when Ignacio plops a plate of huevos rancheros in front of Daniel, however. The jig is up. He runs out to hurl.
At the office, Betty flips through Daniel's Rolodex, which includes a listing for "Joseph Hardman, accountant." I have to give a shout-out here to my friend Joe, for that is he. He and I have a mutual friend on the Ugly Betty staff, who hooked him up. I requested a shout-out in which Super-Accountant Henry wears a shirt that reads JESSICA I LOVE YOU FOREVER, but I don't know if that's going to happen. Bradford comes in and asks Betty if Daniel got his message regarding "Baby Chutney." It seems that Tom and Katie -- er, "Tim and Chloe" have given Mode a three-hour window in which to shoot Baby Chutney. Her picture, I mean. Betty is predictably stoked, and lapses into Elaine Benes as she tends to do: "Shut up!" she squeaks, and then notes that it's all very exciting. Bradford agrees that it will be...if Daniel can pull it off: "He is here, isn't he?" Betty sort of shrugs, and Bradford explains that Wil is calling in staffers to help, and going out to meet the plane herself. Betty is trying to come up with a plausible lie to explain Daniel's absence when Salma comes in and suggests that they go at the story from "the family angle," because, as she says, "the firstborn changes everything." Bradford tells Betty that Salma's going to be writing the copy; he thinks Salma and Daniel will make a great team. Betty looks moderately stricken.
In Queens, Daniel lies on the sofa, covered in a bright Mexican blanket and speaking around a thermometer. He tells Betty that he can't come in to the office: he's a total mess. He hands Ignacio the phone, mumbling, "Tell Betty I'm a mess." Ignacio reiterates that Daniel is a mess. He can't hold down huevos, and he's got a fever. Wow. I've never got a fever from a hangover. He must have had A LOT to drink. "Baby who?" Ignacio asks Betty. "Baby CHUTNEY?!" Daniel moans, in disbelief. "Baby CHUTNEY?" Justin squeaks from the other room, as Betty recaps the whole Baby Chutney Three-Hour Photoshoot story for Daniel, who still can't believe that Tim is "settling down." (I have to say that this whole Tim/Chloe/Chutney thing is totally cracking me up.) Betty asks if Daniel's still drunk, but Daniel is focused on the fact that Salma is working on the piece. "My [Salma]? What, is Hunter The Chin there, too?" He is still drunk. Betty tells Daniel he HAS to come in, but he moans that he can't face Salma and, besides, he knows nothing about shooting a family spread: "Just cover for me." Dude. You're the EDITOR IN CHIEF. Maybe Salma would be hotter for you if you GREW A PAIR and DID YOUR JOB instead of asking a recent college graduate with no experience to speak of to handle a HUGE ASSIGMENT. I understand the power of the all-encompassing hangover, but sometimes you have to force down a cheeseburger, take two Emergen-Cs with something carbonated, take three Advils, and do your best. Betty rightly squeaks that she can't, and asks what's going on over there, as yelling commences in the Suarez foyer. Daniel groans that the tree he ordered for them just arrived, adding, "I threw up in four rooms of your house. It's the least I could do, huh?" He hangs up.
In the office, Betty assures Salma that Daniel is on his way, and then turns around and looks stricken.
After the ads, we meet the stylist for the Baby Chutney shoot. The short version of the story is that his name is Bruno, and he's an asshole. Amanda has been called in to help him coordinate. Bruno the Asshat doesn't want to deal with Betty, who claims that Daniel has been waylaid "getting a gift for Baby Chutney." Bruno just wants to talk concept. "What are your thoughts?" Betty dodges. "Daniel suggested you share them with me." Bruno's first thought is that Betty should get him a cup of coffee. That's the stylist version of "woman, get in there and make me a sandwich."
In Queens, delivery people are still shoving the tree in the house, nose first, and not having a lot of luck. Daniel? Still drunk. He sits on the stairs and watches Santos and Hilda wrestle with the tree, while Justin chats him up about how much he enjoyed a recent issue of Mode. Santos looks moderately concerned that his son is reading ladies' fashion magazines. I can't believe he didn't realize Justin was special that time he hung a jockstrap over his face and started singingThe Phantom Of The Opera.
While Justin is chatting about raw meat facials (note to self: look into that), Ignacio takes Hilda into the kitchen and asks how long Santos plans on sticking around. Hilda assures her father that she can take care of herself, and that Justin can use another man in his life. Ignacio wonders what happens when Santos takes off again, but Hilda tells him to mind his own. He looks concerned as she storms off.
Mode. Bruno announces that he thinks it would be a GREAT IDEA to dump water on the baby: "BAM! Pure drama!" Betty is shocked by this, of course, and rightly so, but Bruno doesn't care to hear her thoughts. "Is everybody on board with this?" she asks, and then tries another tactic: "I personally think that a wet baby ambush could be very...dynamic. But Daniel might not." Bruno just demands that Betty find him some creamer.
Instead, Betty calls Wil -- who so deserves Daniel's job, it has become entirely clear -- and asks her what to do. Wil -- in a car on the way to JFK -- just tells Betty that Bruno knows what he's doing: "He styled Madonna while she was giving birth. He made her belly sweat look like diamonds. Tell Daniel to get out of the way and let him do his work." She hangs up and looks out the window as Marc texts Amanda: "She knows we were in there. You and your damn cashews."
Back at the office, Amanda reads Marc's message and gasps. She shoves a bagel the size of her head into her mouth and starts frantically texting back.
Wil, in fact, has decided to start haranguing Marc about where Amanda spent her holidays. Marc lies that she went to Vermont, but Wil sharply notes that it would have been VERY DIFFICULT for her to make it back to the office today if that were the case. Marc is saved by the bell when his phone buzzes, or so he thinks. Wil grabs his phone and reads his text: "Forget the cashews. You're the one who had to be Nancy Drew." Marc swears he can explain. "You held that nut in your hand and you lied to me!" yells Wil. Marc sputters that he never touched those cashews! "Oh, no, that was Amanda," Wil deduces. "You are the one who made those phone calls! You are Nancy Drew!" Marc begins to wheeze. I'm surprised his airflow remained unobstructed for so long. He swears that he didn't learn anything. Nothing! Just that Wil has a friend in a surgical hospital who likes to chat. He doesn't know what she likes to chat about, though! He was drinking and dialing! "Oh, you are DONE dialing, Nancy," says Wil, tossing his Razr out the window and into the river. "I still have free minutes," Marc calls piteously after it. My cry would have been, "BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S NUMBER!" Take this moment to back up your phones, kids. As if in punishment for destroying such a lovely piece of electronic equipment, they promptly blow a flat, to Wil's dismay: "We can't stop here! I have to go meet Baby Chutney on the tarmac!" The driver is unmoved. Marc wheezes.
Back at the office, Betty places yet another call to old Drunk Daniel. "Is he upright?" she asks Ignacio, who answers the phone. "Technically, yes," says Ignacio, and hands the phone to Daniel, who's now wearing the Mexican blanket like a poncho and holding a package of peas to his head. Salma comes up behind Betty and tries to take the phone from her. "Is that [Salma]?" Daniel asks wretchedly. "Don't tell her it's me. I can't deal with this today." Instead, Betty pretends that the connection went bad, and hangs up. "Did he ask about me?" Salma asks her. I would crack that their relationship reminds me of one in junior high, but all relationships are like ones in junior high school. Betty stutters that she couldn't hear anything.
Betty's exciting duty is to look at the outfits for Baby Chutney that Bruno has come up with. She and Christina stare in horror, since each is worse than the last -- but then the last being actual chain mail, in homage to a King Arthur movie Tim did. "Can this be tailored?" Bruno asks of the chain mail. "Maybe with a blow torch," Christina retorts. Bruno loves it. He thinks it's edgy. Betty protests that they REALLY need to wait for Daniel, because she kind of doesn't think he'll go for the baby chain mail. At the very least, it's bad for Baby Chutney's sweet little baby skin. Bruno snorts that he isn't about to "take critiques from someone who trims her bangs with a lighter." Oh, that's mean. I'm saving that one for later. "Your boss has five minutes to get here, or he forfeits his vote," announces Bruno, storming off.
Instead of coming in to the office and saving Baby Chutney from a terrible chain mail rash, Daniel is admiring all the handmade ornaments the Suarezes have saved throughout the years, mostly because he is Unfamiliar With A Cozy, Functional Family And Has Never Decorated A Christmas Tree Because His Servants Always Did It For Them. It is to Eric Maibus's credit that he doesn't reveal these sad yet predictable truths with too much self-pity. All the Suarezes make faces as though they've just learned that money can't buy everything.
At the office, Christina is trying the chain mail on Betty, who announces that it feels like her braces slipped. She doesnât think Chloe is going to go for it. "We're going to have to find something safer for the baby to wear, like maybe a plastic bag," grumps Christina, while Betty tries yet again to get Daniel on the phone. Betty wonders if they have anything lying around that would work on a baby. Christina suggests "Kate Moss's spandex dress," but rejects this because she would have to let it out. I have to say, I loved this episode, and I thought it was really sharply written, but that was one of the few jokes that fell really flat for me. Not because I have an issue with Models Are Skinny jokes, but just because it felt so crazy obvious, and this show is generally a bit sharper than that. Betty finally gets Daniel on the phone, and runs the chain mail/water ambush idea past him. "That's great," he mutters obliviously. Betty reminds him that if the baby burps, she'll "get lockjaw," and wonders if Daniel's feeling better. "A little," he says, distracted. We finally cut to Daniel, who is much less green, and very busy stringing popcorn and cranberries whilst watching the Family Suarez trim their tree. Daniel tells Betty that her family has a lot of cool ornaments and tries to launch back into his Tragic Boy Child Never Trimmed His Own Tree thing, but Betty just can't deal with it. She needs him to help her! Daniel finally tells Betty that she's always saying she wants more responsibility, and that by the time he got in from Queens, it would be all over anyway. On the Friday of Thanksgiving weekend? With no traffic? It would take you, like, twenty minutes, dude. You're the suckiest editor-in-chief ever. Daniel -- like Tim Gunn, except with no work ethic -- just wants Betty to make it work: "Betty, you're the man." He then wonders if he screwed up his cranberry chain. Betty hangs up and shakes her head. "Apparently, I'm the man," she tells a frazzled Christina.
Elsewhere, Wil and Marc get into a taxi and tell the driver to get them to JFK, and fast. "No highway, just side streets," says Wil. "Now, go!" Marc is continuing to attempt to explain his presence in the office on Turkey Day. He says that he didn't want to go home because his mother is always trying to set up him up with some girl who plays the organ at his parents' church. "I just wanted to watch the parade from a safe place," he whines, moaning and rolling around the back of the taxi, begging his boss to say something. "You know the name of hospital," Wil finally tells him. "You know the frequency of my calls. You stepped way over the line this time, Marc. I don't know whether I can protect you anymore." "Protect me from what?" he asks. Wil frowns: "The person you were trying to call is NOT amused." Marc looks shaken.
Back at the office, Bruno has a problem. In addition to the fact that he is an ass, he's seen Baby Chutney, and, man, is she hideous: "We're talking scary." Betty finds this hard to believe, but Bruno actually pulls out the old "ugly tree" cliché and tells her that the kid is going to need "extra lighting" and "yards of tape for those ears." Betty protests, but Bruno insists that the kid is heinous. "Then maybe your concept of what's beautiful is a little narrow!" snaps Betty. Salma watches from the doorway as Betty continues to chew Bruno out, informing him that his cover of Courtney Love "leaving rehab in a wheelbarrow of pills" was Mode's worst seller in seventeen years: "So maybe you're not the right person for the job." And then Betty fires him. And he quits. Salma is clearly impressed. "Who is this woman?" Bruno asks, as he pushes past Salma. "For today? She's the boss," Salma replies.
Across town, Wil and Marc are still in the taxi, but it appears that they are lost. "Do you know what JFK stands for...Pradip?" Wil asks their driver, quite tersely. Pradip notes that she told him to take side streets. "No! This is slow street!" she yelps, and then asks what he drove in the old country, "a goat?" The car screeches to a halt. "I do not have to drive nasty person!" Pradip tells her. "Fine. Leave him here," says Wil, glaring at Marc. But Pradip wants them both of them out. They exit the taxi in a huff, and find themselves in what Marc dubs "Dante's seventh circle of Hell." And without Wil's pricey, beautiful, cash-and-phone-filled It Bag, which she's left in the cab...
...much to Betty's dismay, since she desperately is trying to reach SOMEONE with some kind of authority. Salma strolls up and finally asks where the hell Daniel is: "You've been covering for your boss all day, havenât you?" Betty doesn't answer, and Salma offers to help. "You cannot be more involved than you already are," Betty tells her, and finally blurts that Salma broke Daniel's heart, he got hammered, and now he's in lockdown at Betty's place. Salma is processing this when Amanda storms in and asks whether Daniel fired Bruno. Betty euphemisms that they "weren't on the same page." Amanda rolls her eyes: "Well, Daniel better have a concept, because Team Baby Chutney is in the conference room, waiting for directions." Betty says that she'll be there in ten.
Queens. Daniel is talking to Justin about his homemade ornaments, while Santos gives them the evil eye. Eventually, he suggests that they go outside and "toss a football," a.k.a. "stop acting like such a fruit." Justin points out that they're busy decorating the tree. That one line was delivered very well. You can tell that Justin has no interest in spending time with Santos at all, and resents him for swinging back into his life at this late date and trying to pretend like it's normal. Santos presses, though, telling Justin to give the glitter a rest: "Come out and be a normal kid for an hour." The adults exchange looks, and Daniel speaks up, saying that he "needs Justin's eyes" or the tree will look like crap, gently telling Santos, "He's got a gift." Santos says that Justin should be learning other things: "Things that no one else is teaching him in this house." Hilda shoots him a dirty look: "What is that supposed to mean?" I maybe would have gone with "and whose fault is THAT?" She drags Santos off, asking who the hell he is to judge any of them. Santos counters by wondering if Hilda thinks he can just watch Justin "play with chenille" and not say anything about it. Justin looks awkward, which breaks my heart a little bit, and Daniel looks sorry for everyone. Hilda tells Santos that she and Justin are totally comfortable with who he is, and that if Santos doesn't like it, he doesn't belong there. And so he leaves. Good riddance, I say. He sure is cute, but he ain't much help, and Justin deserves so much better from a parent. Ignacio looks sad, and to break the awkwardness, Daniel asks Justin's help with the ornament he's making. Justin silently gives him a hand, but you can tell he's glad to have something to do. Poor Justin. I wish he lived door to me. He could come over and watch musicals and read fashion magazines and talk about my complexion all day long.
At the office, it's time for the Betty-centric Montage of Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves: she's very busy approving outfits, and telling the team that they're going to style the shoot like the Garden of Eden, with Tim and Chloe as the twenty-first-century Adam and Eve. Hey, that's a pretty good idea! Maybe she's learned something after all.
While Betty's doing everyone's work for them, Wil and Marc are still stuck in Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell, Wil berating Marc for not having any cash or his ATM card on him. He tells her he only has seventeen bucks in his account, anyway: "We could go to the bank, but I swear it would only be a social call." Wil looks around the very sketchy neighborhood and wonders if taxis even come to this part of the world: "Where ARE we?" Marc looks around and notes that he totally doesn't even want to ask the only two other people there -- these two cracked-out-looking hookers -- but Wil tells him that they have no choice. And what ensues then is rather hilarious. Seriously, Vanessa L. Williams is so great in this role. She strolls up to the hookers, smiles, and informs them that she and her assistant are in "an absurd situation." See, they were on their way to the airport.... "There ain't no airport around here," says Hooker #1. "See! That's what I told the driver!" says Wil, and introduces herself as the creative director of Mode. The girls react with blank looks. "Well, perhaps you don't subscribe," Wil says, waving a hand. They do subscribe to her albino lynx coat, though, and start touching it predatorily. "Um, okay. Back off, girlfriends. Stop pawing...my piece...'less you gonna...show me some benjies. You...know what I'm saying?" Wil manages to force out. Behind her, Marc realizes that this is going to end very poorly. "'Benjies'? Where you from?" asks Hooker #2. Marc finally steps in: "Okay, Lil' Kim, Visiting hours are over." But Hooker #1 has some visiting left to do. "You gonna charge me to TOUCH YOU?" she asks, very confrontationally. And so Marc goes, "She's new in the field, girls, and her corner's a long, long way from here, so...." And it is at this moment that Hookers #1 and #2 start taking off their earrings in preparation for the rumble. "Um, run," Marc tells Wil, and they take off.
In Queens, Daniel and the Suarezes are still trimming the tree. Daniel asks where one of the ornaments goes, and Justin tells him to put it near the top: "That's where we hang all of our stocking ones. We each have one. This one will be yours." Daniel is really touched and almost starts to cry. Justin goes off to the kitchen to get the gingerbread, and Daniel apologizes to Ignacio for possibly stepping on anyone's toes earlier. "Please, Daniel, I'm thankful you were here," says Ignacio kindly. "You'll make a great father someday." Daniel almost cries again. A hangover will do that to you.
So, Betty finally gets Daniel on the phone, and runs her Garden of Eden idea past him. He likes it, and thinks it's clever...but he also thinks they're overthinking it. Looking at the Christmas tree, he has a thought: "They're just two working-class kids who just grew up to be movie stars." What if they shoot the pictures...in a living room...around a Christmas tree...in Queens? "What if we bring them to your house?" On the other end of the phone, Betty turns to Christina: "I think he's started drinking again." "I heard that, and I haven't," says Daniel. "Get them to come here. I've got an idea." And we act-break on this moment, because for Daniel to have a good work-related idea is seriously kind of a cliffhanger.
After the ads, Betty runs into Salma in the elevator and asks if Salma can drop Betty in Queens on the way to the airport. Salma clearly doesn't believe that the Home Movie For Movie Stars Shoot is actually Daniel's idea, but agrees to give Betty a ride.
Meanwhile, Marc and Wil are in some "rundown, storefront church in the middle of Queens," hiding from the whores. Marc noses around, saying that there has to be a phone somewhere, but Wil thinks it's too late. "I've really screwed up this time," she notes. Who is picking up Baby Chutney is what I would like to know. Marc tuts that everyone knows traffic sucks on Thanksgiving weekend, and that he's sure it's all under control, anyway. Wil sighs: "I can't even do my job any more, I'm too busy trying to cover Daniel's. I'm so distracted, spending every minute trying to take over the whole company." And Marc straightens up: "You're trying to take over the whole company?" His ears are actually standing up, like a dog's. "I didn't say that," Wil tries to cover. "I would never say that. What I'm saying is, I'm not the leader I used to be." Marc shrugs, sniffing an altar candle, and reminds Wil that it has to get dark before it gets light again. With that, Marc sets down the candle, and somehow triggers a light over the altar, which illuminates the church's cash box. Which they break into, using one of Wil's fantastic white boots to open the padlock. Sadly, it's full of singles. "Poor people are so cheap," Wil notes, stuffing the money in her bodice. Once the cash box is empty, they stare into it guiltily. She takes off one of her fantastic bejeweled earrings and puts it into the box to pay back all the cheap poor people, and she and Marc hobble out.
Queens. As Betty and Salma sit in her town car in front of the Suarez house, Betty finally admits that she lied to get the ride with Salma. She really doesn't want to have to tell Daniel that Salma is getting married: "You have to tell him that yourself." And I know this is a soap, and therefore what I am about to say is absurd, but Betty could just mind her own business. Salma sighs and sprays her mouth with Binaca. Then makes a face. "That was perfume," she announces. That line was very well-delivered.
The Suarez house is full of people, including Amanda, who is styling the shoot. Daniel watches for Salma out the window, Ignacio peering over his shoulder. Now that he's gotten a look at her, Ignacio knows what Daniel is so broken up about. Daniel asks Ignacio to tell him how to say "I love you and I can't live without you" en Español. Ignacio does, but I suspect that it will not take. "Good luck. That's English," adds Ignacio, patting Daniel on the back.
Outside, Salma announces that she thinks Betty is wasting her time at Mode. I have to say, Salma Hayek looks GORGEOUS in this scene. She must have slipped the makeup girl an extra fifty. She compliments Betty on the great job she did today, and offers her a job at NYW. Betty doesn't know what to do -- you know, because of how Daniel literally can not get dressed without her -- but Salma asks her to consider it, and points out that the NYW job has a real future. Which...is true. All things considered, NYW is a better fit for Betty's sensibilities, and it'll be interesting to see how the show handles this. ["This being a soap, my guess is that Salma ends up having been secretly evil this whole time, somehow, or dies, taking the magazine with her to the grave." -- Wing Chun]
Daniel greets Betty at the door, and asks her to go supervise Justin, who's trying hats on Baby Chutney. She asks him to go talk to Salma before Salma goes to meet Hunter.
And so Daniel goes outside and very romantically informs Salma that he's been thinking about what she said about wanting to get married, and that while he came from a really screwed-up family, not every family is his family, "thank God." And he says he loves her. And that he can't live without his camera. Salma cracks up at his mangled Spanish, and then he takes a homemade ornament out of his pocket and gives it to her. He wants her to help him pick out a tree to hang it on. Snow falls gently on them both as she thinks about it, and then nods. They kiss. Aw. I don't really see a lot of chemistry between Eric Mabius and Salma Hayek, but that scene was really nice.
Back at Mode, Marc is busy canceling Wil's credit cards. He answers a call from Amanda, who is inhaling a gingerbread house back at the Suarez house. Marc whispers that Amanda's off the hook, but that it's going to cost her. A lot. At Barney's. Amanda just shovels gingerbread into her face. "AMANDA! NOT THE ROOF!" Betty yells from the other room.
The gingerbread house saved, Betty walks Daniel out. He thanks her for all her hard work, and she lies that he's the one who saved the day. And his relationship: Salma decided not to go away with The Chin. Betty seems genuinely happy to hear this, and Daniel seems actually pleased about Salma's job offer. Betty assures Daniel that she would never abandon him, but he tells her he knows the job is a great opportunity for Betty, and that he would never stand in the way of that. Betty hugs him, but doesn't say what she's going to do either way. Aw, that was a nice scene, too. I am so getting sappy in my old age.
Back at the office, Fey calls into Wil's main line, and Marc asks who's calling. "An old friend, from college," says Fey. So Marc puts her on hold and strolls in to Wil's office, looking ever so confident: "Line 2. An old friend. From college. Which you never went to." Wil raises a brow, and takes the call. Fey would like to know why someone named Pradip is answering Wil's cell phone. Wil tries to kick Marc out of the office so that she can deal with this, but he takes this moment to remind her, somewhat menacingly, that they don't have any secrets anymore: "We're in this together, right?" Wil tells Fey she'll call her back, and hangs up to ask Marc what he wants. He lays it out for her: he wants job security, a title, and a company card. Wil makes the face of a woman who knows she has been bested. I welcome the return of Evil Marc.
Back at the Suarez house, they dish about Tim, Chloe, and Chutney. Justin wants to know when they'll see the pictures, and Betty tells him she'll try to sneak home a copy. That is, if she's still working at Mode. Her family is thrilled that she's such a hot property at Meade Publishing, but I imagine their faces will fall when they find out who's just gotten to their front door...
...for it is the INS. COME TO TAKE IGNACIO AWAY!