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Thanksgiving number one: Daniel's too busy mooning over Salma to face his parents' Thanksgiving brunch, until he learns that Salma's going to be there, and decides to make an appearance. Alas, she brings her boyfriend, who makes Daniel feel inferior in every way. At the end of the night, Daniel kisses her, but she goes back to her boyfriend, expecting a proposal any day now. Thanksgiving number two: Hilda's lording it over Betty about picking up Betty's slack at home, and doesn't want to hear it when Betty has reason to suspect that Leah the Lawyer is a crook who will take the Suarezes' money and disappear. And then that's what happens. Thanksgiving number three: Amanda and Marc spend the day in the Mode Closet trying on couture gowns and trying to get over Daniel. Yes, I said Amanda and Marc. He shares his burgeoning theory that Wil's a lesbian, based on all the phone calls between his boss and some mystery woman. Amanda finds the mystery woman's number, gets a hold of Fey by pretending to be Wil, and hangs up before they learn who's on the other end of the line. Thanksgiving number four: Wil blows off a Versace thing to stay home and make Thanksgiving dinner for Nico. It's really very sweet, until Fey calls to ask Wil why someone pretending to be her is calling from the Mode offices. The funeral: Bradford has decided not only that Fey is alive, but that the Mysterious Leatherman has been double-crossing him all along. So he hires a newer, bigger thug to stuff ML into Fey's empty tomb. Kind of hard to be thankful after a day like that. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The camera zooms in through the Mode offices to find Betty all but chained to her computer by whatever demanding task Daniel has her occupied with today. And it's...solitaire. She really is behind the times; the current thing to do during office downtime is surf the net, right? Not that you or I would know anything about that. Ahem. Her phone rings, and it's Hilda, stressing at her to get home. Betty says that Daniel's still at the office "doing paperwork," although the three-way splitscreen shows Daniel doing a whole lot of sitting on his ass. Hilda wants Betty home to go over the paperwork for Ignacio's immigration case with Leah the Lawyer, and also to do the grocery shopping. Betty tells her not to sweat it, and hangs up. To Amanda -- who at that moment just happens to be slinking past Betty's desk to peek in at Daniel -- Betty vents that Hilda thinks she's blowing off the family for her job. She insists that she always does the Thanksgiving grocery shopping and cooks the meal with her dad, ever since her mom died. Amanda responds to Betty's concerns with customary sensitivity: "I'm sorry, you were looking at me and saying things. I wasn't really listening." Betty shakes it off, satisfied that her expository work is done, and asks about "this new guy [Amanda's] been seeing," who apparently Amanda hasn't been able to stop talking about loudly, outside Daniel's door, all day. Amanda says, more quietly, that the guy's spending Thanksgiving with his wife and kids: "I'm like, 'grow a pair.'" Heh. She says that all men suck, and then flounces off in search of Marc.
On her way out, Amanda passes Christina, who's entering with a bagged dress and her sewing kit, because Wil's going to some big dinner tomorrow and needs alterations made. I'm glad that the only alterations I'll ever need made to my Thanksgiving clothes will be the insertion of elastic panels. We learn that Betty has been kind enough to invite Christina to the Suarezes' Thanksgiving dinner at 3:00 tomorrow, and Christina shows her gratitude with this little speech: "Now, is that the time we're actually eating, or is that the time that delightful little nephew of yours is putting on his production of Thanksgiving: The Musical?" All class, that Christina. Betty says that they're eating at 6, and as Christina flits off to her appointment with Wil, she says that she'll be at Betty's at 6. Betty should tell her to bring a sack lunch, a picnic blanket, and a warm coat if she's going to be such an asshole about it.
All this talk about time finally gives Betty the gumption to go into Daniel's office and ask if she can take off for the holiday like everyone else has. Daniel distractedly gives her leave to go, but she can't seem to achieve escape velocity from the black hole of need that Daniel's infatuation with Salma has caused him to become. He's wondering if Salma has been seen or heard from today, and then acts like he doesn't care, since she's got a boyfriend anyway. He wonders why Salma never said anything about said boyfriend: "I mean, you're always going on and on about that guy Wilbur, right?" Betty corrects him on the name, and then unwisely comes back to ask Daniel if he's all right. He's not, of course, and goes into a rant about how he's spent the day waiting by the phone and compulsively checking his email: "It's like I'm this close to splitting a Cobb salad with Sarah Jessica Parker and talking about shoes." Betty just looks at him sadly, and finally wavers, "I really miss that show." Oh, like she's not just now catching it for the first time on TBS reruns. Betty's a better dresser than Carrie Bradshaw most of the time anyway. ["The same crazy bitch picks out both girls' clothes, though." -- Wing Chun]
Marc tells Amanda that his current holiday plans are to go to Schenectady and lie to his parents about his Canadian girlfriend over "cranberry sauce in the shape of a can." Amanda's counteroffer? The two of them come back to the office tomorrow and watch the parade from Wil's office window. "You mean try on couture gowns and Xerox our naughty bits?" Marc asks. He's all over it, because why spend another Thanksgiving in the closet when he can spend it in the Closet?
Christina's working on Wil's alterations, and suggesting a cuffed sleeve for the jacket. "You wanna live my life, pay my bills," Wil retorts, rather unnecessarily. Marc comes in to deliver Wil's final messages for the day, the last of which is that Nico has decided at the last minute to come to town for Thanksgiving. He tries to duck out after dropping that bomb, but Wil turns on him, upset because she's got a Versace party to go to. "It's a work obligation," she complains. "I can't shirk my responsibilities, sit home, and have A Very Brady Thanksgiving." Marc says nothing, and Wil demands to know what's up with the judgmental look he's giving her. "You're going to cuff that, right?" he says. Christina loudly clears her throat, rather unnecessarily.
Betty's making another attempt to leave, reminding a flat-on-his-couch Daniel that he's got his dad's brunch tomorrow in the executive dining room. Daniel moans that he'll pass. Betty zips herself up into a hideous, sky-blue, three-quarter-length down parka. Yikes. "Slimming!" Marc quips as he randomly passes outside the door. "Thanks, Marc," Betty chirps wearily. No easy feat, that. She tells Daniel that he can't blow off his family for the holiday, and he says that it's not just a family thing; it's all of Meade Publishing's editors, who'll be sucking up to Bradford the whole time while Daniel's mom sucks the alcohol out of stolen martini olives. Enter Salma. Took her long enough. At the sight of her, Daniel straightens up and ushers Betty out, like she hasn't been trying to get out of there for hours. I'm not sure what Salma's doing there, and apparently neither is she, as she pauses awkwardly before asking, "What's new?" Daniel just says that he met this girl and found out she had a boyfriend. "She sounds like a bitch," Salma deadpans. Daniel doesn't even smile. Way to play it cool. She apologizes, and says she just wants to be friends with Daniel now. Daniel, having gotten over his brief attack of spine, says that he'd like that. She crosses for a hug, which lasts kind of a while. Daniel starts smelling her hair and sliding his hands down her back until she pulls away, saying, "Friends' hands don't go that low." Now someone tells me. This explains a lot. She says she'll see him at Bradford's brunch. Daniel's surprised to hear that she's going, because of course he totally checked her RSVP. She says that since she has to be back at the office on Friday anyway, she figured what the hell. Of course Daniel's all about the brunch now. "Thanksgiving without family would be...Thursday," he flounders. Salma says she's bringing Hunter. Yes, that would be the boyfriend. Daniel pretends he can't wait to meet the guy, and as soon as Salma leaves, he flops back on his couch, facedown and half-sobbing. See, Daniel, aren't you glad you stuck around?
Telenovela time! The hot nun confronts the mulleted priest, who is not a priest after all, but Ramon Castillo, THIEF and MURDERER! She rips off his collar tab and holds up a newspaper clipping featuring a photo of Ramon Castillo in less priestly times. Lots of dramatic zoom-ins, while both actors suck in their cheeks at each other to avoid having them pierced by the camera lens. I almost think these sequences would be better without subtitles.
Ignacio tears his attention away from the televised proceedings to watch Justin dash past with a pilgrim hat on his head and an aluminum foil turkey place setting...thingy. In the kitchen, over beers, Leah the Lawyer congratulates Hilda on having the maturity to invite Justin's dad to Thanksgiving dinner, and Hilda backstories that she and Santos were never actually married. Betty rushes in the front door and finds out that they went over Ignacio's case an hour ago. Justin adds that Betty also missed his school pageant. Betty apologizes, and Justin tells her that he was the only pilgrim who could do "jazz hands," a concept that he and Ignacio demonstrate in tandem. Betty says that she'll want to hear all about it when she gets back from shopping, and bustles into the kitchen. She's barely finished introducing herself to Leah when she spots the grocery bags lined up on the counter. Yes, Hilda did the shopping. Hilda loudly complains to Leah that Betty never has any time anymore, but Betty protests that she's going to be cooking with Ignacio tomorrow. "And what if they call tomorrow from the office with some fashion emergency?" Hilda mocks. "'They've lowered the hemlines! Red alert!'" Leah joins Hilda in laughing at Betty, which isn't very nice of her. Rummaging through the bags, Betty complains that there are no ingredients to make buñuelos. Yeah, if I had a nickel. I never remember the stuff for buñuelos. That's probably because I have no idea what they are. Betty tells a protesting Hilda that the desserts are a tradition, and that Mom used to make them. Betty's also not happy with the turkey Hilda got, but apparently it was the last one in the store. "You were this close to stuffing a brisket," Hilda tells her. Betty is too chastened to suggest what Hilda can stuff.
At the Mode offices, Wil and Christina are waiting for the elevator. A couple of other women come up behind them, yammering excitedly about all the work they have to do to get ready for their adult kids' holiday homecomings. "We see them three times a year. It's worth it," one says. When the elevator arrives, they go around the mysteriously stationary Christina and Wil, the latter of whom takes the garment bag from Christina and sends her on her way. Christina does a little "Ghost of Thanksgiving Yet to Come" routine as the elevator door closes on her none to soon. Wil stands there alone -- long enough for A Diva's Christmas Carol to flash before her eyes in its entirety. This terrifying experience is more than enough to compel her to whip out her cell phone and cancel on the Versace party. "Nico is coming home," she smiles, almost sincerely.
The morning, on her way home with a bag full of groceries, Betty is intercepted by a similarly-laden Gina. Except Gina's bag, Betty notes, contains cigarettes and vodka. "You have your traditions, I have mine," snaps Gina. One of those traditions is, of course, bugging Betty, which Gina's doing today by saying that she's heard all about Ignacio's legal problems. Betty tries to blow her off, but Gina, "in the spirit of the holiday," wants to give her some advice: "Leah [the Lawyer] Stillman is bad news." Gina's heard through the grapevine that someone in Astoria hired Leah to get custody of her kids, and Leah not only didn't win the case, but also absconded with all the money. Doesn't sound like she went very far. Betty says that she trusts Hilda and Leah, and Gina says that she warned her: "And tell your father I wish him a very happy Thanksgiving," she snots. Gina heads off into "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer, while this news rattles uncomfortably around inside Betty's head.
After the commercial, Betty's in the house and on the line with 411, trying to run down the address of the person Gina mentioned as Leah's former client. But then Daniel calls Betty's cell phone. (This would be the shirtless Daniel scene for the week, by the way.) "I need you," he says. "I'm at the loft. Hurry, it's an emergency." He rings off before Betty can ask whether hemlines are up or down. She's on her way out, but she's got to get past Hilda first, who reminds her that she's supposed to cook Thanksgiving dinner with Ignacio. "Will you tell him I'm sorry?" Betty says sadly, rushing off.
Up in Wilhelmina's office, Amanda and Marc have got a whole champagne picnic laid out for themselves as they watch the Macy's parade out the window. As Marc cheers the Eva Longoria float, Amanda freezes, suddenly horrified at the possibility that Wil might have hidden cameras in there. "I would have been fired a long time ago," Marc scoffs. "What's that weird float over there?" he asks. Amanda turns to follow his gaze. "That's not a float," she says. Wait for it... "That's Betty!" Oh, for mean.
Betty arrives at Daniel's loft. His emergency: which shirt should he wear today? Betty's rightly pissed that he pulled her away from her family on Thanksgiving for this, and he doesn't help himself by complaining that it took her forty-five minutes to get there. She says that she had to cut across the parade route. "I almost got run over by those Queer Eye guys riding a giant pilgrim! ...Okay, that came out wrong." Daniel insists that he has to look good to sit across from Salma and her boyfriend. Which is why, as Betty notices, he's wearing cover-up. Daniel: "I have a pimple, okay? Go away." Betty's about to do just that, but when Daniel whines about his shirts some more, Betty whirls on him and rips him a new one, and he actually looks a little embarrassed. Seriously, dude. You're the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine, and the person you call for fashion advice is Betty? Salma must have sucked his brain clean out of his skull. But of course, Betty has something more important to contribute than style tips: "You are an amazing person, Daniel," she says angrily. Oh, Betty. "You're smart, you're handsome, you were voted one of the top ten bachelors in the city by some magazine." "Esquire," Daniel says. Betty's point is that Salma's boyfriend is the one who should feel threatened by Daniel, not the other way around. And he should wear the purple shirt. Betty somehow manages to find her way out.
At Casa Suarez, Justin takes a break from setting the table to dash into the kitchen and ask if he can sit between his dad and Christina at dinner: "I really want to ask her about Stella McCartney's spring line." "Great," Hilda says. "Your father will be so proud." Justin bops back out. Ignacio lectures Hilda on the proper way to make stuffing, but Hilda's not about to stick her new manicure in there. "Where's your sister?" Ignacio frets, taking over. "She's got hands like meat hooks." Aw, poor Hilda. The doorbell rings, and Justin runs in to say that his dad's there before running back out. Ignacio's grumpily surprised that Santos showed up: "I guess if we want him to leave, we just tell him you're pregnant and watch him run." Hilda tells Ignacio to be nice, reminding him that Santos is there in the first place to help pay for Ignacio to not get deported.
Meanwhile, Justin is letting in his dad, who looks impressed at how Justin's grown in the past year. He hands the kid a big gift-wrapped box, saying, "This is to make up for some lost time." Justin accepts it gratefully. Hilda comes out to greet him as well, and Santos hands over a bottle of wine. Santos says that the place looks the same as always, and makes his first misstep: "The only thing missing is the old man sleeping in front of the TV." The aforementioned old man comes in to say that's because he's busy cooking dinner. There's a long, awkward pause, and Santos says something polite to Ignacio. Instead of responding, Ignacio looks at Hilda, who looks back at him with a "be nice" look. Finally, Ignacio steps forward and shakes Santos's hand. "Glad you could make it," he lies. The scene ends before Ignacio can invite Santos into the kitchen, where all the knives are.
Betty has not only succeeded in tracking down that disgruntled client Gina was talking about -- she has also shown up on her front door. Betty introduces herself and says she wants to ask about Leah Stillman. The woman's glassy eyes go a bit wider as she asks if Betty's from the Bar Association, and what took so long. Betty says she was just thinking about hiring Leah, but gets pretty poor testimony: "She files some papers, takes all my money, and I never hear from her again." Betty looks alarmed. "She said I'd have them home by Thanksgiving," says Donna. Betty now looks sympathetic in addition to worried. "Thanksgiving isn't over yet," she doesn't say. Probably just as well.
Justin is opening the gift from his dad, and the contents demonstrate just how out of Justin's life Santos really is. Because it's all football stuff. Justin's game, though, excitedly calling his new Jets jersey a "costume." (Ignacio's a Giants fan, of course. Or at least he is when Santos is around.) Santos is all excited to show Justin the football that's also in the package, but Justin is too enamored of the nut cup that's in there as well. He holds it over one eye and goes dancing through the house, saying, "I'm the Phantom of the Opera." I wish we got to see Santos's reaction to that. Instead, Betty comes in. Santos, still holding the football, says, "Hey, look who's here!" and tosses it to Betty, who flinches, throwing up her forearms to protect her face. Or perhaps the ball. "Sorry," Santos says sheepishly, and tries to make friendly conversation with Betty about her being a "big career girl." Betty's got no time for friendly right now, though; she just sheds her parka (whoa! Nice overalls!) and blows past him looking for Hilda, hollering all the way into the kitchen: "I need! To talk to you! About!" Betty reaches the kitchen before she reaches "Leah," which is lucky because Leah is standing right there with Hilda. Leah's fake hello to Betty is a lot more convincing than the one she gets in return. Hilda says that she'll get the rest of Leah's money, and Betty goes, "Wait!," her hands flying out in front of her. One of those meat hooks strikes a plastic bowl, which goes flying along a horizontal trajectory to smack Justin in his girly-screaming face. Yes, I laughed. Betty drags Hilda upstairs to talk in private.
Hilda not only thinks Betty's concerns are groundless, but goes so far as to question Betty's motives. She just thinks Betty can't handle the fact that Hilda's stepping up and Betty's not "the golden child" anymore: "You can't just get involved with the family when it's convenient for you, Betty! So save the guilt for someone who cares." Ooh, foul! Hilda storms out, leaving Betty to stew her way into the commercial break.
Are you ready for the gayest Thanksgiving ever? While singing along to "Dreamgirls" (nice cross-promotion, show), Amanda drunkenly dances around the Mode closet in a fancy red gown. And so does Marc, except that his gown is black with matching gloves. After their big finish, he regrets giving up his dancing lessons. "What's your biggest regret?" he asks her. She doesn't have to think much before saying she regrets giving up Daniel. Marc gets all sympathetic and puts an arm around her as Amanda blames herself for getting hurt. "I didn't mean for it to happen. I just fell in love with him." "Me, too," Marc sighs. Amanda: "What?" Marc: "What?" M. Giant: "What?" Marc abruptly changes the subject: "You look pretty. Wanna try on some Armani?" Before she can answer, he gets the hell away from her. Amanda looks like she's almost drunk enough to let it go. Almost. Not that it's going to come up again this week.
Elsewhere in the building, Daniel arrives at the editors' brunch and is greeted by his mom, Claire, who's out of rehab: "I'm on my fourth club soda. I pee every three minutes." "You'll get through it," Daniel encourages. I think it's vice versa, though. Claire remarks that this is the first time she's been to one of these things sober: "I always thought there were twice as many people." Bradford looms up, and the three Meades share formal greetings. "Happy Thanksgiving," Bradford says stiffly, clinking his cub soda against Claire's.
Daniel is rescued from all of this embarrassing familial effusiveness by an uplifting sight: Salma, across the room, chatting with some nebbishy middle-aged dude with glasses and a sweater vest. Daniel heads over and introduces himself: "You must be Hunter. I've heard so much about you. I love that vest." No such luck; the guy Salma's talking to is in fact the editor of Tech Wiz magazine. Daniel really needs to keep better track of his peers at Meade Publishing, doesn't he? "Hunter's over there," Salma says, pointing. Sure enough, Hunter is almost literally a golden god. Or at least he's filmed that way, running a hand through his luxurious mane of backlit blond hair. "Man," the Tech Wiz editor whispers to Daniel, "how are guys like us supposed to score with someone like him around?" Ouch.
In her kitchen, Wilhelmina gazes at us in horror. I don't know why she's horrified; we're the ones who seem to be stuck inside a turkey, looking out. "Desperate times call for desperate measures," she sighs, and picks up the phone to call -- who else -- Martha Stewart. "This is why I should always screen," Martha whispers to the chefs who are flanking her at what looks like her TV show's kitchen set. When she hears that Wil is cooking a turkey, Martha acts like a big jerk, mocking, "Maybe I could run a fashion magazine! It'll be like Freaky Friday!" Martha needs to keep her ham in the oven. Wil says that it was going fine until she looked into the turkey and found the bird's "luggage" inside. She pauses, listens, and finally asks, "So you want me to put my hand where?" I have to say, Martha's kind of the one coming off like an asshole here. Besides, I know I've been to at least one Thanksgiving when the host didn't know about the turkey's contents being in there until after it had been cooked, and I'm still alive.
Back at Bradford's lunch, Hunter's a big hit with everyone, so of course Daniel is dying inside. He asks how Hunter and Salma met, and Hunter says that it was on a plane back from Kenya, where Salma was working on a photo shoot and Hunter had been working for the Peace Corps. "I figured there had to be more to life than modeling and racing sports cars," Hunter shrugs. He tells a story about setting up an irrigation pump, and starts to get misty at the memory of "those tribal kids' faces when they saw fresh water for the first time." Daniel tries to relate: "Once I helped these kids open up a hydrant on 76th Street, and they were just like, 'Wow.'" Unlike the guests at the party who have fallen silent. Awkward.
Meanwhile, Bradford is entering some fancy back room by himself. He dumps his club soda into a vase and makes to fix himself a real drink. Suddenly, Fey appears in the doorway, and then walks off again as soon as he sees her. "Fey?" he says, frozen in wonder. I assume he's frozen, at least, or else he'd probably try to follow her. Which he doesn't.
Bradford does claim to Claire, after the commercial break, that he did go after Fey, but that she "just disappeared." Was that before or after he mixed himself the drink he's holding now? Claire takes the drink out of Bradford's hand and samples it with her finger, saying that Fey was just some "wishful hallucination." Daniel comes up to ask if everything's okay, and Claire leads Bradford off with his arm in one hand and his drink in another. "He's just had too much to drink. I've got him," says Claire. "Ironic, isn't it?" Daniel tries to snag the drink out of his mom's hand before she goes, but she's too quick for him. Nobody will ever see that drink again.
Back at Casa Suarez, Walter has arrived, and Betty is venting at him about Hilda. Which, fine; dude might as well be good for something. "Maybe it is time this family stopped depending on me for everything," she says. "I just asked where I should put my coat," says Walter. Because it's all about Walter. Betty sarcastically tells him to ask Hilda: "She knows everything." Betty stomps off, leaving Walter standing there in his coat. Santos, ever the gentleman, comes up behind Walter with a beer and puts a companionable arm around him. "Run while you can," he advises. Walter grabs the beer like it's a life preserver.
Wil seems pretty satisfied with the Thanksgiving dinner she's whipped up, and from the looks of things, she should be. Just in time, too; Nico calls out to say that she's home, and Wil calls back that she's in the kitchen. "What, did you get lost or something?" Nico asks, rolling in her wheeled suitcase. She says that she'll throw in a load of laundry later, and doesn't even sit down before turning around and heading for the door again. Because, you see, Nico isn't in town to see her mom, but to see Death Cab for Cutie at the Beacon. Oops. Wil's hurt, and Nico picks up on it. She figured that Wil had plans anyway, like always, and Wil whips off her apron and sadly says, yes indeedy, she's horribly late for Donatella Versace's Thanksgiving party. Nico asks if she's okay, and Wil says that it's nothing: "I just mad e little snack in case...well, I'm sure it's not very good anyway." She leaves the room to change, leaving Nico alone in the kitchen. And Nico walks up to the counter, looks behind it, and for the first time sees the complete Thanksgiving dinner laid out there. She looks guilty as hell. Poor Nico, born with absolutely no sense of smell.
Back in the Mode closet, Marc is now resplendent in a glittery red number, trying to get Amanda to keep up with him: "If I keep doing it by myself then I'm just a freak." Amanda, still in the same dress as before, says that she's too depressed now. Oh, a sad drunk. Downer. Marc snuggles in to her and tries to cheer her up by telling her secrets: "Betty makes fifty dollars a week less than I do." Amanda already knew that. Marc swigs from the champagne bottle and tries again: "Joelle from Styles got knocked up. No idea who the father is." "Eh," Amanda responds. So Marc brings out the big guns: "I think Wilhelmina's a lesbian! A BIG one!" In support of this theory, he says that Wil's always getting calls from some woman on her cell phone, and kicking Marc out when the calls come in: "And we're like this. She even had me bring her her diaphragm at the Plaza when she was sleeping with that guy from Texas-- oh wait, there goes my lesbian theory." But they still want to know who the mystery woman is.
Back at Bradford's brunch, Hunter is showing off yet another skill, which is that of chiropractor. He nearly twists the Tech Wiz editor's head clean off, causing his neck pain to vanish. Daniel's about to do the same, as he throws his napkin down on his plate and gets ready to pout on out of there. Salma tells Hunter that they should go dancing now, but Hunter balks: "You know I can't dance." And suddenly Daniel's not going anywhere. "I can dance," he volunteers. "I'm good at dancing. I love dancing. I think the three of us should go dancing." Salma loves the idea, and it looks like a reluctant Hunter is overruled.
Leah the Lawyer is on her way out of Casa Suarez. At the front door, she tells Hilda and Ignacio, "If you need me, I'll be eating a turkey sandwich at my office, getting your papers ready to file for your Green Card." Hilda hands over the envelope as Leah boasts, "I have never lost a single case yet." That's too much for Betty, who bounds up from her spot on the sofa to Walter and gets right up in Leah's face -- or, more accurately, her collarbone -- as she brings up Donna from earlier. Hilda's mortified by this outburst, but Betty won't let it drop. Until Leah smoothly explains that she quit that case when she realized that Donna was an alcoholic who was endangering her children, and that the money she took was only enough to cover the cost of filing the papers. Embarrassed, Betty whispers that she didn't know that, and galumphs off with a whispered apology. Leah tries to give the envelope back to Hilda and Ignacio, saying that maybe they should find a lawyer Betty's more comfortable with. But Ignacio and Hilda are so frantic to smooth things over with Leah that they invite her to come back for dinner later. Leah smiles, tucks the envelope in her purse, and accepts. Good to know we'll be seeing her again soon.
In his den, Bradford dials his cell phone and says, "Meet me at the cemetery tonight. I'm going to find out if she's alive, one way or the other." That's the kind of line that sounds bad-ass, but then you realize it doesn't make any sense. Bradford only knows one way of doing thing anyway.
That evening, the Suarez clan is arranged around the beautifully set table. Counterclockwise from the foot, we have Hilda, Santos, Justin, Christina, Ignacio at the head, Betty at his right, then Walter, and then Leah's empty chair. Which would probably explain why everyone's so quiet. "And here was me, afraid that spending the holiday alone with my cat was gonna be depressing," Christina whispers to Justin. Ignacio says that it's almost 7, but Hilda's still in denial, waiting for Leah, and refusing to let anyone start eating until she shows. Betty's cell phone rings, and she gets up from the table to take Daniel's call. "Why would you tell her you can dance if you can't dance?" she asks, heading to the other room. I have a theory: he's stupid.
From a loud salsa club, Daniel insists that he can dance, just not so much with the salsa. Betty wonders how she's supposed to teach him to salsa over the phone: "Have you ever even tried to mambo?" "Oh yeah, back in prep school we had a big mambo contest every year," says Daniel. He should be less snotty when he's interrupting her holiday to bail his desperate ass out.
Back at the table, Walter looks at his watch, then at the wall clock, which only reads 6:20. That doesn't seem very "almost 7" to me. ["It does when you're really really hungry!" -- Wing Chun]
Meanwhile, in the hallway, Betty is endeavoring to teach Daniel the basic salsa step over the phone. It goes all 24 splitscreen on us, except fun: Betty's face, Betty's feet, Daniel's face, Daniel's feet. He picks it up pretty quickly, and there's kind of a sweet moment where they're almost dancing together through the phone. Daniel, relieved, thinks he can do this. "Are you biting your lower lip?" Betty asks. Daniel, who realizes that he's totally rocking a White Man's Overbite right now, lets go of it and lies, "No." "Yes you are," Betty says. "Don't do that." Is anybody else really worried about the fact that Betty has become Daniel's guide to style and cool?
Daniel hits the restroom, just in time for an added boost of confidence: Hunter's already there. Standing at the urinal over, Daniel sneaks a peek, and his expression makes it apparent that he's just discovered another way in which he doesn't measure up.
The Suarezes' wall clock strikes 7, and still no Leah. Justin tries to sneak a bit of stuffing, and without even looking at him, Hilda orders him to put it down. "How does she do that?" Justin asks Santos. "She's a little bit of a witch," Santos whispers back. "Give or take a letter," Betty adds. Hilda bounces a dinner roll off her sister's face for implying that she's a witca.
At the salsa club, Salma's out on the dance floor with some hot Latina when she spots Daniel on the edge of the floor, flailing away. He seems to have the footwork mostly down, but he's all elbows and shoulders otherwise. He asks if Hunter's hiding in a corner. "Poor guy can't be good at everything, right?" he says, faux-sympathetically. Right on cue, Hunter appears behind Salma and pulls her out on the floor. And Hunter's clearly over his dancing phobia, because he's confident and capable out there, twirling Salma around and always knowing exactly what to do with his feet. Daniel's, on the other hand, turn to wood as he watches. At the end of the song, Salma gets dipped, and so do Daniel's hopes. Salma heads to the bar for a mojito, telling Daniel "You're !" as she passes. Alone with Hunter, Daniel demands to know what's up: "You told me you were a lousy dancer." Hunter maintains that it's true: "I was this close to making the ballroom dancing finals in Vienna in '98 and blew it with my paso doble. I stink!" Daniel miserably absorbs this unhappy lesson in relative merit.
At the cemetery, Bradford and Mysterious Leatherman enter Fey's crypt, ML grumbling the whole way. Together, they slide the lid off the sarcophagus. "Where the hell's the body?" ML wonders, not very convincingly. Bradford tells him to drop the act: "You've been working for her the whole time." ML insists that Fey is dead. "Have it your way," Bradford says sepulchrally, which is the cue for a very, very large man to enter. "Mr. Green is a recent hire of mine," Bradford says. "To do what?" "To clean up messes," says Mr. Green. With a lead pipe, in the conservatory. Bradford leaves, and Mr. Green cracks his knuckles as he advances right into the camera.
Betty's in the Suarez kitchen, reheating the congealed gravy, when Hilda comes in looking like somebody died. She says that Leah's cell phone and office phones are both disconnected. Nice service, on a holiday. And really, how very slick of Leah give herself less of a head start by telling them to expect her this evening. Not that she tends to go very far anyway, as we've already observed. Hilda invites Betty to say "I told you so," but Betty's not in the mood.
Also not in any mood? Daniel, who slumps into the back of his limo and orders the driver, "Get me the hell out of here." But the driver is too slow, because Salma whips open the door and says that they need to talk. "Why, did Hunter just save an orphan from a burning building?" Daniel brats. Salma ignores this and slides in to him. "You walked out of there all upset. I thought we were going to try to--" But Daniel doesn't want to hear it, and shuts her up by planting one on her. She kisses back. Then he plays the "Tell me that didn't mean anything" card, and asks why she's with Hunter. "Because I love him," she says. "And this morning, in his dresser, I found a ring." Daniel skeptically asks if that's really what she wants, and she claims that it is -- white picket fence and all. "Hunter offers me that," she says, and she doesn't think Daniel's ready. He gives a non-denial denial, but when she gives him a chance to give an actual denial, he can't do it. "Come on, Daniel," she says. "This is when you stop me from walking back into that club." Alas, Salma's working from a different script, because when she walks back into the club, Daniel doesn't do a damn thing to stop her. He's forgetting the magical third option, which is to argue that Salma probably isn't really ready to settle down either. He'd have to use more finesse than we've seen him use before though, or else he'd accidentally call her a slut. Yeah, this way is probably better.
At Wil's place, Nico has taken it upon herself to lay the Thanksgiving meal out on the table. She's lighting the candles when Wil comes in wearing the dress Christina altered for her, cuffed sleeves and all. Nico says that she doesn't have to meet her friends until later, so she asks Wil to join her for a "snack." Wil weakly pleads the Versace party, but Nico says that's going to be "seven models fighting over a celery stick." Wil takes a seat. Nico sincerely thanks her mom for all her work, and Wil starts to protest, but finally acknowledges the sentiment with a subtle but warm smile. They tuck in, talking about Nico's classes. Aw. Times like this it's easy to forget that Wil's evil.
At Casa Suarez, Betty's going ahead with the buñuelos. Hilda tells her not to bother: "Leah stole our money! And we can't even go to the police because we can't tell them Dad's illegal." All the more reason to have dessert, if you ask me. And lots of it. Hilda beats herself up over being taken in, but Betty is being quite understanding, even when Hilda confesses that she wanted to "come through for once. To be the big hero." Betty says that, in that case, Hilda can help finish the buñuelos. Hilda finally gives up and joins Betty at the center island. Betty says that it's really her own fault, which even Hilda thinks is going too far. But Betty wonders if her job is really worth it. Hilda tells her that she's been taking care of the family since Mom died, and that they should probably stop relying on her so much. Betty says that taking care of them was one thing she knew she could do: "I wasn't ever going to be the pretty one." Hilda kindly touches Betty's hair, as if to say, "Well, we could try--naaah." Hilda says that they're more capable than Betty thinks. "I put these nails in stuffing today," she lies. Betty rolls her eyes and throws some sugar down Hilda's cleavage. Not a euphemism. Before this can devolve into a full-on food fight, Betty's cell phone rings, and Hilda insists that Betty answer it. "Tell Daniel I said hi," she says, leaving Betty to her boss and her buñuelos.
Back at Mode, Marc and Amanda are back in their regular clothes, and back in Wilhelmina's office. Amanda digs through a file folder and finds Wil's cell-phone bill. "That's the number," Marc says, looking at the call records. "2 AM, 6 in the morning." Amanda starts dialing, and Marc excitedly jumps on the extension. When somebody at the Wilmont Surgical Center answers, Amanda lockjaws, "Hi. This is Wilhelmina SlatAAAH." Hee. The operator says she'll put her through. "Through to who?" Marc wonders. Amanda has no idea.
A semi-mummified Fey is being pampered in some mysterious way when the phone to her rings. "Why are you calling me from the office?" she demands. Marc and Amanda slam down their phones in a panic. And when they ring again, because Fey lives in a century where caller ID exists, both of them rush out of there like the place is on fire. Good thing they cleaned up beforehand.
Wil and Nico are just finishing up their dinner. Wil's in such a good mood by now that she decides to take Fey's call at the table. "Why did you just hang up on me?" Fey asks. Wil denies any such thing. "Someone did," Fey says. "And they were calling from your office." Well, if Marc and Amanda used personal access cards to get into the building, this shouldn't be a difficult mystery for her to solve.
Betty arrives at the nearly abandoned club. For once it wasn't Daniel calling her, but an extravagantly faux-hawked bartender calling on Daniel's behalf. "He was ordering scotch rocks for a while, but when he started ordering 'crotch socks,' I figured I'd call someone." Namely, the most frequently dialed number on Daniel's phone. Betty thanks him and goes over to her drunken boss. "I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, Betty," Daniel confesses blearily. "It wasn't a very good Thanksgiving." Betty understates that hers wasn't so good either, and shepherds him out of there. She's bothering why? Dude's got a driver, for Christ's sake.
But neither of them is having a worse Thanksgiving than Mysterious Leatherman, because Fey's crypt isn't empty anymore. "Let me out of here!" ML bellows to no one, as the camera whimsically phases right through the crypt lid and back out while "Season of the Witch" plays. Whimsically. What a wacky live burial. And on that whimsical note, the screen reads, "Happy Thanksgiving From All of Us at Ugly Betty." It's just like a greeting card, right down to the graveyard imagery in the background.