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I hate Walter. There, I just had to get that out. Okay, see, Walter asks Betty to move in with him, and she kind of freaks out. She ends up going on a lunch date with Henry From Accounting (who is totally adorable in a completely dorky way, and who's played by Christopher Gorham, late of Popular, who I happen to know from college, so I might be a little bit biased, but I really don't think so) who clearly is totally in to her, but she decides to stick it out with Walter anyway. Which is so disappointing, since she and Henry have way better chemistry, and also, Walter? IS A CHEATER. Betty's also tasked with tracking down a watch of Daniel's, which he left at the house of one of the women he slept with over the past week. He just can't remember who. It turns out to be Amanda, who tearfully admits to Betty in the bathroom that she's basically in love with Daniel and trying to wait out his manwhore phrase. Good luck with that, sweetie. All told, though, it's pretty touching. Poor Amanda. I feel bad for her even if she did spend the entire episode wearing formal shorts. On the other hand, Betty spent the entire time in costume as a butterfly, so things could be worse. Daniel also has his hands full. He visits his mother (well played by Judith Light, whose hair looks bad, but whose face looks great), who's locked up in rehab. She tells him that she thinks Bradford is capable of anything, including murder, and warns him to be careful. As for Bradford, he admits to Daniel that he was a rotten philanderer and a cruddy father, but denies killing anyone. Whether Daniel buys it is an entirely different matter all together, but he seems to end the episode in a very thoughtful mood. And finally, we learn that Wilhelmina has a daughter, and that she and Fey think it might just be time for Ms. Sommers to rise from the dead. That oughta be fun. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
This week's cold open is particularly delightful. Marc -- in costume as Betty, complete with poncho and eyebrows -- comes bursting into the office. "HOLA!" he yells, "HAPPY HALLOWEEN." Amanda brays with delighted laughter. Wilhelmina strolls past this sensitive tableau and shakes her head. "That is the absolute cruelest thing I've ever seen," she announces. Marc turns around and brushes his wig off his shoulder, like Jack McFarland doing his imitation of Cher. "SOMEONE'S getting a raise," she finishes with a smirk, and walks off toward her office.
Meanwhile, in Queens, Betty comes tromping down the stairs in her jammies and robe. Her dad is yelling at her that breakfast is ready! He's been waiting forever! She gets caught in some Halloween decorations -- namely, faux spider webs strung around the stairwell -- but manages to extricate herself and storms into the kitchen, where she finds her father, reading the newspaper. She announces that she really needs to talk to him! Ignacio has no response, so Betty pokes the newspaper, and it falls aside, revealing a skeleton sitting behind it. "I told you, I've been waiting FOREVER," he says, creeping up behind her with a (fake) snake draped around his shoulders. You know, like Britney Spears. "GOOD ONE," Betty snaps irritably, before laying into him about the fact that, according to the Social Security people, he's 117 years old and dead. She is steamed, but he is totally blasé about the entire thing. He's rescued from further haranguing by his other daughter, who tells him that she'll be taking a short day on the Herbalux tip so that she can help him decorate the outside of the house. Ignacio reminds her to get some good candy, since he doesn't want to be known as "the raisin house again." I hear that. When I was a kid, I lived down the street from my orthodontist. Every year, she gave out toothbrushes. This was not popular with the neighborhood kids, all of whom already bore the orthodontist a grudge because she was (a) a total sadist with the wires, (b) prone to yelling at you if you left the house without your headgear. She's lucky none of us egged the place.
Justin comes into the kitchen, dressed as a sailor. It is a testament to my dorkitude that I realized his costume was Gene Kelly right off the bat. What can I say? I love a good tap dance. Hilda gently suggests he tell everyone at school that he's just a plain old sailor. "Fine, but I'm a sailor who can sing and tap," Justin says, and launches into "New York, New York" (the "helluva of a town/the Bronx is up/and the Battery's down" version, not "these vagabond shoes"), Ã la Mr. Kelly in On the Town. Which means that I will have this song in my head for the three weeks. In fact, the last time I was in New York, I had this song in my head the entire time. It did, however, help me recall which direction the Bronx was. Betty and her father look pleased by Justin's song-and-dance skills, while Hilda just seems bemused. "And...dance break!" Justin says, shuffling off to the living room. "Better hope he can sing and tap and throw a punch," Ignacio mutters. Hilda smiles, and asks Betty if she and Walter have plans for the evening. Apparently, they're passing out candy and going to a midnight showing of Saw. Hilda thinks this is sweet. "You did the right thing taking him back. You would not want to watch that movie alone," she says. Betty shrugs that they're just dating, and then fills Hilda in on all the drama about Ignacio's social security issue. "DAD!" Hilda says, turning to their father, who's carving a pumpkin at the kitchen table. He reacts by screaming and leaping up, fake blood pouring out of a "cut" on his arm. Both girls look totally blank faced. I suspect this is not the first time he's pulled this trick, much the way my own father pretends to trip over his own feet every single time my mother tasks him with holding a baked item. Because she is a good wife, however, she pretends to fall for it every time, while my sister and I -- like Betty and Hilda -- just roll our eyes. Ignacio "dies" a very dramatic, bloody death, but finally crawls out from under the table. "Come on! That was good stuff! I tried it on the paper boy this morning and he peed himself." Be that as it may, both girls have to go to work. Betty tells her Dad to go down to the Social Security office and prove that he's alive. "They think I'm crazy."
Manhattan. Wilhelmina walks and talks with Marc, who's still in his Betty outfit. She asks him to go down to The Closet and "tell that drunken Irishwoman to bring up my dress for the ball." Marc hesitantly points out that Christina is Scottish, actually. "Don't care," Wil barks. He then gives her all her messages: one from Calvin (Klein, I presume), one from Karl (Lagerfeld, surely) and two from "Nico." At this last one, Wilhelmina tells him not to spoil her morning. Marc takes this to mean that her date the night before went well. And indeed it did: "Jason dipped his toe into Lake Wilhelmina and let's just say...the water was very warm," Wil purrs. Marc is both happy for her and totally grossed out by this, saying that he doesn't really want to know what that means. But Wil continues with the TMI, explaining that it's really refreshing to be with someone who knows how to "keep...up." And it's lines like that, I think, which have caused me to start recapping like Mae West, or something, all blow job cracks and inadvertent saltiness. See, it's not my fault after all! Anyway, Wil is inviting New Young Hard Jason to "the Halloween Ball." She can't resist him! They just look so good together! Marc, turning to look at Wil's television, tells her that she's not the only one who thinks so: Patrick Fabian is the current FashionTV reporter, and his lead story is Wilhelmina's new amour. Except that -- oops -- in keeping with the FTV modus of making others feel bad so that the rest of us feel good, the scuttlebutt is that Wilhelmina is robbing the cradle. Wil looks horrified, and Marc starts hitting the TV frantically, trying to turn it off. Eventually, as Patrick Fabian suggests giving Wil a "lifetime achievement award" and "putting her out of our misery," he just yanks it right out of the wall. Wilhelmina sadly tells Marc to call Jason and tell him that the ball is off: "He's making me look like Miss Jane Pittman!" She then tasks Marc with the enviable assignment of finding her a new date. "And take that ridiculous costume off! I can barely stand looking at the real one," she snaps. Marc looks like he might cry, and rips off his wig (which is my favorite bit of blocking ever, no matter the show) and storms out.
Queens. Betty sashays down the street, looking very self-satisfied and rather adorable in costume as a purple and orange butterfly, complete with wings and googly antennae. Her hair is also looking marginally better. We'll get her made over in no time, just watch. She's minding her own business when a large butterfly net comes down over her head: it's Walter, in costume as a...I almost said "bee keeper," but I guess he's a "butterfly collector." Nice way to illustrate Walter's tendency to be a bit controlling. Betty looks 90% annoyed and 10% pleased by the attention. Walter hands her a big plastic jack-o'-lantern full of candy, and tells her there's a surprise for her at the bottom, but she needs to eat her way down to it. "No cheating." Butterfly Catcher, heal thyself. Betty agrees, and reminds him that she has to go to work. "Miss you!" Walter chirps. Betty sort of just smiles and starts to go. He nets her and tells her she didn't say she would miss him. Betty assures him that she will, sounding mildly annoyed. Replace those actors with Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott and you've got the opening scene of a Lifetime Movie that ends with Betty killing Walter after he inflicts two hours of creepy, insect-related spousal abuse on her.
At last, our heroine arrives at Mode, this time with an enthusiastic, "Ta-DAH!" Amanda and Marc -- in his street clothes -- just stare at her. "Let me guess: when you got on the elevator downstairs, you were a caterpillar," Marc drawls. Betty wonders where their costumes are, but it seems that our little girl is catching on to the ways of Mode: "What about the email you sent me about the Mode costume contest...which...was...obviously sent only to me. Right. Well then, I guess this means I win!" she says, smiles brightly, and walks off. That girl has what my mother would call "a good attitude." Although I would argue that, in her formal shorts and mini-necktie, Amanda could be in costume as Fergie. If she pees her pants, we'll know for sure.
So Betty heads off to her desk, and there's this brilliant moment where she gets to her cube, and Daniel, whoâs coming out of his office fastening his watch, gets a load of her outfit. The expression on his face is priceless. Picture abject horror combined with total shock that things could get any worse. He actually blinks and shakes his head and stammers -- the whole Hugh-Grant-style nine yards -- before managing to tell her that he needs her to find his watch. Betty, of course, points out that he's wearing it. He clarifies that he means his other watch: "I'm pretty sure I left it at some woman's apartment last week. I need it for the ball tonight." Betty agrees to track it down -- she just needs to know which woman it was. But Daniel, of course, can't remember. Betty raises her brows at the idea that he can't remember who he slipped it to just last week. "I remember who I slept with, and don't give me the look," Daniel defends himself. "What look?" she asks. "That look. The All Judging Butterfly," he says, handing her a sheet of paper, explaining that not ONLY does he remember who he boned, he even has some of their numbers! "Although you'll have to match up the names with the nights of the week. I'm kinda fuzzy on that part." Ooh, it's like a puzzle! "Is this the look?" Betty asks, giving it to him again. Daniel weakly protests that he had a crazy week! Does she remember what she had for lunch on Tuesday? "Spinach pie. The cafeteria was celebrating Greek day. It was good," Betty retorts. I would remember the spinach pie, too, but mostly because I would have been on the lookout for a deadly case of E.coli for the rest of the week. Daniel sighs, and asks the heavens why this has to be such a problem; he's an adult, the women are adults ("I checked!"), no one is getting hurt, etcetera. "I can sleep with a different woman every night of the week. Why not?" he asks. In response to this, Betty notes that the Romans had a nine day week. "You would be a really tired Centurion," she says. Daniel just wants her to find his watch, and, with that, leaves the office for the rest of the morning. Apparently, he has "an appointment."
So does his father. Bradford and Mysterious Leatherman are meeting in an alley, because that's totally not at all suspicious. Bradford is upset that Daniel got the music box, and all those suspicious phone calls. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Bradford the one who misplaced the music box? How is that ML's fault? "Who knew about you two?" ML asks. "Not Daniel, that's the whole point," Bradford crabs. "I've spent my whole life protecting him and now this person is ruining it. This is my family. Do you understand?" ML understands. I don't. Is he supposed to track down the person making the calls? I guess so. Maybe if Bradford wasn't such a terrible schemer this would all make more sense.
Back at the office, Betty is in the middle of calling Daniel's stable of ladies. Amanda stands to her, in her formal shorts. I really hate formal shorts, but they are in character for Amanda, who I can believe is super-trendy. Betty asks for her help covering the phones. "Daniel left his watch in some woman's apartment," she begins, and then stops short. Amanda snots that she doesn't care. "We're hardly exclusive," she says, plopping herself on Betty's desk and beginning to dig through her Halloween candy like a squirrel in search of his last nut. "How many women are you calling?" she asks, frantically shoveling a piece of candy into her mouth. Betty tells her that Daniel has a different companion for each night of the week. "Priceless," Amanda snorts around a sour ball. Betty asks Amanda to help her track down Miss Tuesday and Wednesday.
Enter a very cute, slightly dorky looking young man, played by the very cute Christopher Gorham, who you may remember from Jake 2.0, or Popular. To name drop for a moment, I happened to know him in college, and it is my distinct pleasure to inform you that he is as awesome as you could possibly hope. It's so nice to see someone you really like have a measure of success. When he had his first big television role -- playing Jennifer Love Hewitt's gay boyfriend on Party of Five -- my roommate Jen and I actually screamed when we saw the previews. He's just rad, and I'm so glad to see him doing well. Anyway, dorky young man (also known as Henry) greets Betty with the Latin name for whatever butterfly she's in costume as, which I would transcribe except for the part where I can't spell it correctly. Betty giggles that the "pattern just said 'butterfly.'" Henry shrugs that the Latin name of her costume is, "just something [he] know[s]." This is quite charmingly dorky, rather than braggy. "One of several things," he continues. "Circumference of the earth? Know it." Amanda sighs hugely. "This concludes another episode of True, But Dull," she says, and Henry announces that he should get back to Accounting. "We paid a guy fifty bucks to see how much honey he can drink before he makes himself sick." Betty giggles again. I think she likes him. "You...should...come down later...if you can," Henry offers. Betty says that she might, if she has time, and Henry turns and starts to go, but Betty calls after him, "Twenty-four thousand, nine hundred and one miles." Henry turns back, looking thrilled. "The circumference of the earth. It's just...something I know," she flirts. At this, Henry dorkily rearranges his glasses and grins at her and leaves.
Amanda is still digging through the candy. "Oh my God. Were you just flirting with Henry from Accounting? I should get like workman's comp or something," she says. Betty protests that she wasn't flirting. "Why? Was he?" she asks. Yes, yes, he was. You both were. And it's moderately adorable. Amanda, in her quest to eat all of Betty's candy, comes across a box at the bottom of her pumpkin. "Oh, Walter puts a surprise in there for me every year. Last year, it was an engraved cell phone holster," Betty says, taking the box. Nothing says "romance" like a cell phone holder. If by "romance," you in fact mean, "I want you to wear this so I can reach you at any moment and be totally clingy and controlling." This year, Walter's surprise is surprising indeed: it's the key to his apartment, wrapped in a Post-It asking her to move in with him. Amanda cocks an interested brow and tosses a Skittle in her mouth.
After the ads, we go down to the Closet, where Christina is pooh-poohing the whole Move In Together thing, seeing as Walter and Betty have just gotten back together. "And let's face it, he is the boy that dumped you for the neighborhood hootchie," she points out. Christina says the word "hootchie" the way my mother would say the word "mash-up." Betty points out that Walter has really tried to win her back, and that he always remembers her birthday and brings her soup when she's sick. Christina doesn't look all that impressed, probably because remembering your birthday and, like, not slapping you across the face when you've got the flu are the bare minimum requirements for being a decent boyfriend rather than facts to shout from the rooftops. Betty admits that he's also the only man she's ever slept with. While it is certainly hard to break it off with the man to whom you surrendered your precious flower (if you loved him), nine times out of ten, it happens, and it's for the best. Unless you lost your virginity to George Clooney, in which I suggest you hang on like grim death. Betty tells Christina that she doesn't want to say "no" now, and risk losing Walter forever. Wisely, Christina points out that's a terrible reason to say yes, and that Betty is pretty inexperienced. "He might turn out to be the first pancake. The practice one. The one you toss away," she says. "I don't toss away pancakes," Betty notes. Christina doesn't point out that Betty probably doesn't stop at the first one (AKA Walter), either, and instead says that since Betty has just gotten out of her "cocoon," Christina thinks that she should "spread her wings a wee bit" and see what's out there. And who's out there. Betty just says she has to go find the watch, but Christina exhorts her to really get on out there! Chase a few more flowers! "Flit!" Betty looks askance at this last one. "Flit! It's what butterflies do," Christina explains. "Oh. I thought you were cursing at me in Scottish," Betty says.
Cut to the apartment of Daniel's Lady Number One, who opens the door and tells Betty that, first of all, she doesn't have any candy, and, second, Betty is "way too old to be [trick or treating]." Betty explains why she's there, and Womanizing Victim Number One demands to know why Daniel never called her back. "What does he think I am? Some kind of scratching post? Some kind of call girl? He sends his SECRETARY to blow me off?" she slams the door in Betty's face, and then opens it again to announce that Daniel did leave something there. "THE LAST CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS HE'LL EVER HAVE." And his boxers, which Victim Number One throws at Betty's head. They hang jauntily from her antennae, as she just looks shell-shocked.
Speaking of Daniel, he's at the Stone Rehabilitation Center, where -- after some shenanigans about maybe checking himself in -- he manages to explain that he's just there as a visitor. He's about to tell us all who he's visiting when Betty calls, suggesting that he should maybe send flowers to The Ladies of the Week. Because when a man isn't planning to call you back, it really makes it easier to move on if he's ALSO inexplicably sent you flowers. She's in the middle of asking him if that would be okay when Walter beeps in on the other line. She SO can't talk right now, she tells poor tragic Walter, but he really wants to know how close she is to the bottom of her candy. Betty repeats that now is not a good time, and clicks back over to Daniel, who wants to know why he needs to send flowers. "Are they upset?" he asks. Betty tells him that Miss Friday got all red and sweaty, "like a cheese sweats." This evocative description makes Daniel agree to a dozen roses to each. He rings off, and turns to the receptionist. "Claire Meade, please," he asks. And so seems we will get to meet Mom.
Meanwhile, Marc is presenting Wilhelmina with photos of possible escorts, all of whom she deems far too old for her. I think one of the head shots is of Ted Kennedy. She snaps at Marc to find her someone who "doesn't leak."
On the way out to find a leakless, age-appropriate dude, Marc runs into Christina, who's bringing Wilhelmina's ball gown in for a fitting. He tells her to be nice, and Christina insists that she's always nice. "You're NEVER NICE," Marc retorts. "You know what? You're right. I was thinking of somebody else," Christina snaps. And I can't tell if they hate each other, or are madly in love.
Meanwhile, Claire -- whom you may know better as Judith Light -- takes Daniel into the rehab center's library. "Nothing like making people in detox read stories cooked up by a bunch of drunks," Claire drawls. I have to say, Judith Light looks awesome. "Did your father tell you they confiscated my perfume?" she asks, and Daniel starts to say that maybe they were worried she would...."What? DRINK IT?" Claire fills in the blanks. "Oh, come on, Daniel. It's bad enough I can't board first class with my liquid eyeliner. Now I have to walk around smelling like...people." And that was the line where I fell in love with Judith Light. Daniel looks mildly amused, and says that he's there to talk to her. He apologizes for not coming sooner, but he's been "busy" for the last couple of weeks. "Almost four," Claire corrects him. "They like to tell you how many days you've been in, so it passes more slowly. Today is sponsored by the number twenty-six." So, what you're saying is that you're not really enjoying rehab? Daniel just cuts right to the chase: "I want to talk about Fey Sommers." Claire gives him a long look and tells him that, in that case, she's going to need to get lunch somewhere that isn't serving pudding cups.
Anonymous Manhattan Bar. Betty is talking to the bartender -- AKA Victim #2 -- about the Case of Daniel "Manwhore" Meade's Missing Watch. Miss Bartender doesn't have it, and she'd also like to know why Daniel just didn't ask her himself. Betty somehow gets stuck behind a pole -- wings are hard to gracefully negotiate in small spaces -- while attempting to explain that Daniel is all busy and stuff. Miss Bartender squeaks that she let Daniel use her toothbrush and gave him the good pillow! "Why would he say all those things to me and not call me? It just doesn't make sense!" Man. I have dated Daniel. I knew he looked familiar. Betty looks sympathetic. "Oh my god. You're trying to sabotage us," Miss Bartender says. "Are you sleeping with him?" she asks. Betty says that she will just put the Miss Bartender down as a "no," and tries to escape the crazy spurned woman. "I WILL NOT GIVE HIM UP WITHOUT A FIGHT," Miss Bartender says, grabbing onto Betty's wing, and ripping.
The ripping noise carries us back to Mode, as Eric rips open a Fed Ex envelope containing the headshot of a much older man. "Ew!" he says to Amanda. "I give up. How old is old to you?" He shows her the picture. "Ew. Older than my dad," Amanda says. Marc wonders what HE'S up to tonight. "Drinking. Embezzling. Apologizing," Amanda says. Marc notes that her father has very full life.
Enter Betty, all bedraggled and partially wing-less. "Aw, someone's turning back into a caterpillar," Amanda says, and tells Betty that she's still working on tracking down the last two addresses. Betty takes Amanda's stapler and is trying to fix her wing, but having no luck when Henry comes up behind her, and gives her a hand. It is pretty adorable. I can't help it. I have to drop my recapperly professionalism (shut up) and admit that I just love them together. I am about ten minutes away from writing a fan fic called The Circumference of My Heart. They're mid-wing-repair when Walter calls, AGAIN. Why so needy, Walter? Why don't you just email Betty and then torture yourself over whether she's gotten it yet, and, if so, why hasn't she written back, like any normal person in a relationship that's crumbling? Ahem. Or so I've heard. Anyway, Betty wisely sends Walter to voicemail, as Henry finishes fixing her wings. Is she not at all wise to the symbolism that the universe sends to us in everyday life? HE REPAIRED YOUR BROKEN WINGS. That means "love." Henry advises her to avoid crowded subway cars and blue jays. "Natural predators." And with that, he awkwardly asks her to lunch. "What? No!" Betty replies, shocked. Poor Henry looks stricken and scampers off, and Betty has to chase him down and tell him that she actually meant YES. Yes, she would love to have lunch with him
Once Betty's lunch date is set, Amanda asks her whether or not Daniel is sending Miss Monday Night flowers. Distracted by her newly raging hormones, Betty says that Daniel couldn't remember who Monday was. Amanda looks hurt, as the Sad Music Of Why Dudes Won't Call You Back wails plaintively in the background. Betty gets back to work as Miss Monday opens her desk drawer and looks down at Daniel's watch.
Wilhelmina's office: the bad news is that she can't fit into her red gown. Over Marc's frantic arm-waving and head-shaking, Christina says that it seems Wil has....gained weight. Marc covers his ears, preparing for Wilhelmina's rage, and it's a good thing he did, as the editing implies that her screams of anger and frustration could be heard even by the birds in the sky.
In the time required to get Claire Meade out of rehab and out to lunch, her hair has totally gotten f'ed up. The front is all weirdly flat now. It's not working for her at all. The waiter at this posh restaurant seems quite pleased to have her back, and brings her a complimentary glass of wine, which Daniel repossesses. Claire snarkily informs him that she's getting the veal Marsala, which is made with wine. Daniel retorts that the alcohol burns off. "Then give me the glass of wine and set fire to me after I'm done," she says. Daniel chuckles, then gets serious. "Are we gonna talk about that Christmas?" he asks. At this, Claire briefly looks as though she might cry, but manages to pull it together. "What Christmas?" she asks. You know, the one where you made a huge bonfire of a bunch of Mode magazines because you found out that your husband was sticking it to the Editor in Chief? "It was the Christmas you found out about Dad's affair with Fey," Daniel says, more tactfully than I. Claire dryly notes that "that does jingle a bell."
Meanwhile, Henry and Betty are having sushi for lunch. He tells her that the caterpillar roll is awesome. "No offense." Betty confesses that she's never had sushi, and Henry sweetly offers to take her elsewhere. She refuses, and announces that it's time for her to spread her wings, and illustrates this concept by flinging her arms wide open and right into a poor waitress holding a tray of beers. Betty is totally embarrassed. "All evidence to the contrary, this is not my first time in public," she tells him. Henry leans in and whispers, "It is mine. For parolees, these ankle bracelets are the best thing ever." She giggles, and says she comes into Manhattan every day, but sometimes she feels like the E train drops her off "on Mars." In Queens -- she claims -- people like their fish cooked and they dress up for Halloween. Henry looks around, and surreptitiously opens the front of his dress shirt, just like Superman. And, indeed, he is wearing underneath it a Superman tee. But with dollar signs in place of the S. He takes off his glasses and whispers, "secret identity." He is....pretty much perfect. Betty -- and two-thirds of the viewing audience -- swoons.
Speaking of Queens, land of the cooked fish and Halloween costumes, here we are. Hilda gets home and complains that something is burning. "What is that?" she asks, wrinkling her noses. Ignacio turns from the stove. "Blooood," he says, with a Transylvanian accent, which is only aided by the fake fangs he's wearing. Hilda rolls her eyes. "Kids come here for candy, not trauma," she tells him, which makes him all nostalgic for back in the day when she and Betty were little girls. Hilda cuts off the misty, water-colored memories and reminds him that they're both grown up now. And she wants to get the scoop on the drama with his Social Security number. At this, Ignacio clams up.
Mode. Amanda is helping Betty contact Daniel's Manwhore Victims by calling them and posing as someone from the Sutton Medical Group. "One of our patients, Daniel Meade, just left here and thought we should give you a call," she says. "The good thing about scabies is, if you treat the itching right away, there's little chance of them becoming open sores. You might wanna call your doctor. Okay, bye!" Her little task completed, she looks up to see Walter standing there, in the middle of reception, holding his butterfly net. "She's out to lunch," Amanda tells him. Walter, because he is needy, wants to know when Betty will be back from lunch. Amanda doesn't have time to deal with this -- she has libelous phone calls to make -- so she shrugs that Walter can go ask her himself: "She's at the sushi bar across the street with Whatshisface."
At the Recriminations Café, Claire is telling Daniel that Fey actually used to call the house and play the music from The Music Box of Infidelity to her over the phone. But she really thought Bradford had ended it. "So when did he?" Daniel asks. Claire thinks. She's been in the joint just under a month, so maybe...."Six weeks?" she offers. Daniel is shocked that Bradford had been having an affair with Fey, unbeknownst to Claire, for TWENTY YEARS. How could she not realize this was going on? "Well, Daniel, I don't know if you've noticed, but I drink quite a lot," Claire says, both wearily and dryly. She then warns him that, just as she takes after her own alcoholic father, she's concerned that Daniel is exhibiting the same philandering qualities that Bradford has. "I see him in you, Daniel. It destroyed our family," she tells him. Oh, lady, you don't even know. Daniel asks what finally made Bradford put an end to the affair, and Claire considers this, and finally says that she will tell him, IF he gives her a sip of his wine. And Daniel actually DOES IT. Oh, Daniel. Of course, Claire's "sip" is everyone else's "guzzle," and she downs the glass in one gulp. "I made him choose," she says when she's done. "She wasn't going anywhere on her own. So she and I went over to his office and we stood there in front of that big, over-compensating desk of his and told him to make a choice." Daniel asks who he chose. "Well. One of us is here. And one of us is dead. So you figure it out," his mother tells him. Well, that's not mysterious and vague at all! There's been some speculation on the forums that maybe Claire "killed" Fey and Bradford is covering it up for her, and I actually think that's a very strong possibility, especially considering Claire's attitude in this scene.
Over to a more pleasant luncheon with Betty and Henry. She notes that he was on her floor a lot today, and he flirts back that it has absolutely nothing to do with her -- he likes to make the rounds! "Let the employees know that accounting has its eye on them," he jokes, and then feeds her some cucumber roll. It is, of course, at this very moment that Walter makes his appearance. "I DON'T THINK SO," he yells at them and Betty, of course, spits out her roll in shock, because she has no composure when people surprise her with a mouth full of food. "What are you doing here?" she asks. Instead of explaining that he's suddenly turned into some kind of really sad-sack stalker, Walter just yelps, "Who is THIS GUY?" Dude, people go to lunch with coworkers all the time. Okay, maybe you don't let your coworkers FEED YOU, but still. Betty stammers that it's Henry, from the third floor, but Walter isn't really paying attention. He just wants to know why she hasn't returned his calls! Betty stammers that she's been busy. Also, he's annoying her. "Maybe I should get the check," Henry offers. Listen, if my boyfriend tracked me down at work to find out why I hadn't called him back in two hours, I would be so aggravated. I will call you back when I get around to it. Maybe I'm BUSY. Oh my God, maybe I'm Daniel. Anyway, Walter is totally freaking out and Betty finally tells him that he's embarrassing her. At this, Henry discreetly gets up to the pay the bill, but Walter announces that he -- Henry -- should stay. "I'LL GO. I EMBARRASS her," he announces, embarrassingly. And he storms off. That is the kind of manly assurance that the ladies love. Betty looks a bit gobsmacked, as Henry just looks at her sympathetically. If Henry wasn't already obviously totally in love with her, I imagine this may have raised a teeny tiny red flag for him.
After the ads, Wilhelmina is holed up in her office, getting one of those body wraps that are supposed to make you lost ten pounds of water weight in an hour or something. Marc prances in with her lunch and notes that it's "sweltering" in her office. Of course it is: she's sweating off the weight. He tells her that "paper burns at 451 degrees." Wil rolls her eyes (the only part of her that she can move), and snorts, "good. You can become a science teacher after I fire you. Now, CRANK IT." Marc hesitantly tells her that Nico called again, but Wilhelmina doesn't want to hear it: she has six hours to become ten years younger and five pounds thinner, and she can't handle Nico right now. Marc wisely says nothing as he sets up Wil's lunch. "What is that?" she barks. "Salad," Marc offers hesitantly. Wilhelmina orders him to take the food away immediately. "You NEED to EAT," Marc tries, but Wilhelmina screams at him to get out.
Elevator. Seriously, ABC is all about elevators. The most interesting thing that ever happened to me in an elevator was the time we got stuck and one of the women I was packed in there with began screaming that we were all going to die. It didn't really help. Anyway, Christina is holding another version of Wilhelmina's ball gown in her arms, presumably in a larger size, while Betty moans about her abortive lunch date. She even admits that she's downplaying how bad it was so she doesnât freak herself out -- it was that bad. Christina feels terrible for pushing her into the whole flitting thing, and Betty says, basically to herself, that she's going to have to beg Walter to forgive her. Oh, pish. I mean, I guess I can see why Walter would be jealous of cute Henry feeding his girlfriend sushi, but I'm not that sympathetic to Walter, what with the whole cheating on her with her neighbor and then coming crawling back after said neighbor dumped him, and also how he is being sort of smothering and also moderately crazy. "And say you're going to move in with him?' Christina asks skeptically. Betty is all, "maybe." She muses that maybe some people (DANIEL) can date a lot of people at once, but she just tried to date TWO, and learned that she is "not a flitter." And also that Daniel wears boxers. "Silk boxers. So I've heard," offers a tall model-type at the back of the lift, pushing past them to exit at her floor, as Marc comes in. Christina gestures with the dress and tells him she ran out for a size four. "And if this Valentino doesn't fit, I'm going to make her wear the bloody drapes!" she squeaks. Marc freaks out at the idea of Wilhelmina finding out that she's up to the ginormous and terribly humiliating size four, and Christina swears that she took the tag out. She and Marc get out of the elevator, and she tells Betty to keep her posted.
Rehab Center for Women Who Could Possibly Maybe Have Killed Their Husband's Mistress. Daniel signs his maybe a little toasted mother back in. "What are you staring at? I had the veal. THE ALCOHOL BURNS OFF," Claire tells the receptionist defensively. Maybe more than a little toasted. Before she goes back to the world of no perfume and pudding cups, Daniel draws her aside. She tells him to be careful of Bradford. "I pushed him, and he stuck me here. I don't know what he'd do to you," she says. Daniel asks if she thinks Bradford is capable of murder. "I think your father is capable of anything," Claire tells him.
Back in the office, Betty asks Amanda to tell Daniel that she went back out to continue tracking down his missing watch. Before she leaves, she wonders who the flowers on Amanda's desk are for. Amanda stammers that Miss Tuesday had already left her house to go to work, so she just sent those flowers for herself. Betty is too distracted to realize what this means, and just asks if Walter's called her. Or Henry. And neither of them have. The truth is, I imagine Henry would just email her from downstairs, but whatever.
Betty gets in the elevator and hits the Lobby button, then the 3 -- where accounting is -- and then 26. She is just a mess. She ends up in the Closet, where she begs Christina to stop her from going to see Henry. This is the same conversation I have had with all of my girlfriends, except for "see" insert "email" and for "Henry," insert "[REDACTED]." Christina thought Betty had made up her mind to go with Walter, and Betty holds her up rebellious finger. "Tell it to my finger! My finger wants me to push the button! My finger wants me to go to Henry's floor and tell him I had a wonderful time today!" she yelps. She wonders if maybe she's turning into Daniel. thing you know, she'll be sleeping around and not even care! Christina tactfully says that this seems very unlikely, and also points out that this lifestyle isn't making Daniel very happy, since he's running around town losing expensive jewelry and has no idea who he slept with Monday night. And this, of course, is when Betty realizes that Miss Monday is Amanda and scampers upstairs.
"You sent yourself flowers. You're Monday's girl," Betty says as soon as she pops off the elevator, and holds her hand out for the watch. Amanda slams it on the desk and runs to the bathroom. Betty follows. Poor Formal-Shorted Amanda. Her pants are tragic, but so is her soon-to-be-broken heart. "Was this all just one big joke to you? Watching me run around the city in a butterfly suit getting underwear thrown at my head? All for laughs?" Betty asks, once they're safely in the ladies room. Amanda tearfully asks if she looks like she's laughing, but Betty still wants to know why she didn't say anything. Amanda sniffles that she was hoping Monday was the one night of the week Daniel would remember. "Stupid me, huh?" she says. Betty asks if Daniel knows that she feels this way. Amanda snorts. "He's Daniel Meade. Take a number and wait in line," she says. Betty comfortingly says that she's sure Daniel shares Amanda's feelings. "Don't you guys have some kind of agreement?" she asks. Apparently they do, but it sucks: Daniel dates anyone he wants, and Amanda gets to take their messages and send them flowers. Betty wonders why Amanda got so involved with him if she knew what he was like, a question that proves more than anything how inexperienced Betty is in the ways of love. I think everyone has gotten entangled with someone they knew was a sucker's bet, because you liked that person enough to convince yourself that it would be different with you. And indeed, Amanda admits that she thought Daniel would get sick of serial dating. "I sure as hell am," she admits. Oh, honey. I feel you. "What if he doesn't?" Betty asks. "He will. I'll just wait," Amanda says. Oh, Amanda. That is not a good plan. I have to admit, I started to really like her after we found out how much she secretly loves Cheetos and flan, but now I kind of empathize with her. As I said a few sentences up, I think most people have found themselves in a relationship where they're trying to believe that the other person will eventually change, mostly because you really want them to. Betty hands the watch back to Amanda and tells her to give it to Daniel and tell him how she really feels. But Amanda refuses. She takes a deep breath, and, looking at herself in the mirror, transforms back into the sassy smart mouth that is her public persona. "Hey, guess what?" she says, cocking a brow. "This never happened." And with that, she sashays out of the ladies room. Betty looks sad. I feel sad. Sad, and a little hungry.
Wilhelmina is probably also hungry, since she's been starving herself all day, and yet her gown still doesn't fit. "I want the TRUTH," she tells. "IS THIS A FOUR?" Christina yammers incoherently, and Wilhelmina demands to see the dress's tag. "I ate it," Christina tells her. "CARLOTTA!" Wil screams at her. "Yes, it's a four," Christina/Carlotta finally admits. Wil slumps down on a chair and sighs. "I can't deny it anymore. It's happened. I've become a woman of a certain age." Christina kneels to her and promises that if she gives her twenty minutes, she can do "something with pleats." Wilhelmina sighs and tells her to forget it. She's not going to that party. She's just a fat old hag, and everyone else just keeps getting younger and younger. "Why is it such a crime to age in this business?" she asks, and Christina agrees that the standards for woman "are punitive." Wil wails that it is ALL HER FAULT. "There's my achievement. Bit me in the ass. And the hips. Serves me right. That's what you're thinking. Just say it," she says. Christina agrees that Wilhelmina does set the standards. "You're Wilhelmina Slater, for Pete's sake! Women look to you for inspiration. So when you go to the ball tonight with that young man of yours, I guarantee that no women in America will leave her house tomorrow morning without a man ten years younger." Awww, yeah. College boys, watch out for ME. Wil smiles at this idea and looks over at Christina's sandwich. "You gonna eat that sandwich?" she asks. Christina gives her half, and Wil tears into it.
Daniel's office. Betty has laid out all the things of his that she repossessed on the trail of his watch: mostly ties. She hands him his watch. "Which one had it?" he asks. "Does it matter?" she asks carefully. Daniel thinks about this, and decides that it doesn't. "I didnât think so," Betty says, a little judgmentally. Daniel protests that he sent freaking roses! "Amanda sent them, yeah," Betty says. And then it is Time For Our Important Life Lesson of the Week, as Betty tells him that if he thinks that he isn't hurting anyone with his revolving bedroom shenanigans, then he's wrong. "Is there anything else you need from me?" she asks. Daniel shortly informs her that this will do, but then calls her back: "Betty, you know I've had a rough week. I've got a lot on my mind," he tells her. Betty knows. And she hopes he deals with all that more directly than he did this other. Well, I certainly feel as though I have learned a lesson. From now on, I will make sure I take all my jewelry home, instead of leaving it at the apartment of my many lovers.
Over at Wil's office, Marc is reapplying his Betty Brows, just for fun. He admires himself in a mirror at his desk, which is kind of hilarious. Wil strolls up behind him, resplendent in her Valentino. "Hail to queen, she lives, she breathes!" Marc breathes, delightedly. "It's not too much?" she asks. "Not enough," slims the Too Youthful Jason, who actually seems far too skeezy for Wilhelmina, who can surely do better. She asks, flirtatiously, if he's sure he wants to be seen with an "old broad" like her. "A minute younger and I'd have to rip your clothes off right here, Jason oozes. Wil and Marc exchange satisfied looks. "Nice brows," Jason tells Marc, who looks mortified and rips them off. Amanda tentatively sticks her head in the office, and tells Wil that she's sorry to interrupt, but Nico of the Multiple Messages...is there. And she's got GREAT HAIR. "Hi, Mom," Nico says. Wil looks mildly alarmed, but Jason reacts as though he just learned that a kiss from Wilhelmina sets a man's testicles literally on fire. "You're her MOTHER?" he squeaks.
Meanwhile, Bradford and Daniel are having some awkward parental bonding as well, as Bradford tells Daniel to never, ever buy his wife and his mistress the same Christmas gift. He also says that he is truly sorry about Fey. He never wanted his cheating on his wife to hurt his son. "And mom? What about her feelings?" Daniel asks. Bradford shrugs that he was careless and stupid and Fey...Fey wanted to be a Meade. "Is that why you had her killed?" Daniel asks. "Is that what you think?" Bradford asks. Daniel sighs that he doesn't know what he thinks. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, opening the music box and taking out the flame-scorched scrap of Fey's license plate. "Tell you what? That I loved her? Because I did," Bradford says. "More than Mom?" Daniel asks. Oh, I can see this all playing out beautifully in the therapist's office in about a year and a half. Bradford adds fuel to the fire by admitting that he loved Fey "more than all the others." Because, you see, he totally slept around. "Who do you think sent you this?" Bradford say, gesturing at the music box, and explaining that it's CLEARLY one of his OTHER ex-lovers. "Out for revenge." He admits that he deserves it: "Not for killing Fey. That I had nothing to do with. But for being a lousy husband and an even lousier father." He really hopes Daniel learns from his cruddy example and settles down for good.
Finally, Betty is leaving the office, getting into the elevator with Henry. Because they are nothing if not adorably awkward together, they start talking at the same time. She eventually manages to thank him for lunch. "For giving you the most stressful lunch ever? First I make you eat slimy sea monsters and then I get you in trouble with you boyfriend?" Henry says, shaking his head. Betty assures him that none of that was his fault, and asks how the Honey Guy is doing. "Not great," Henry grins. He tells her that they're having a party in Accounting for Halloween and invites her to stop by. Betty tells him she's love to go, but...there's that whole boyfriend thing, and she really wants to "give it a chance." Dude! Don't give it a chance! Give yourself the chance to nail the cute accountant! She apologizes, and you can tell she really regrets this. "No worries. Just lunch. Trick or treat, [Latin phrase I can't spell]," Henry says, and leaves. Henry! Don't leave me!
Speaking of people in unsuccessful relationships, Amanda and Daniel run into each other as she's leaving the office and he's heading back to his desk. She tells him that she's going to the party in Accounting. "I thought I might stop by and drink all their booze," she tells him, then asks if he's going to the Halloween Ball. Daniel explains that he is not; he's too terribly depressed about his shitty family. There's some touching as they pass in the lift, and she turns and calls to him as he's walking to his office. She offers to come over to his apartment and keep him company, if he wants. "In costume! Or not." Daniel looks so sad, and tells her that he just wants to be alone. Amanda's face falls. "We could just...talk," she says. "Probably not," Daniel tells her, totally depressed, and walks away. Amanda stands in the elevator and looks very sad and alone in her little shorts.
Back to Queens, a magical land where Halloween is celebrated! Betty wearily throws away her wings, in a totally depressing moment of symbolism. Justin taps out of the house, followed by Hilda (dressed as a cat), and Walter, who breaks off to join his girlfriend in moping on the stoop. Betty sighs and apologizes about lunch. Walter admits that the key was too fast, and she agrees. "Damn it! 'Carpe diem, Virgo, seize the day.' Never trust the horoscope in the Daily News," he says, mostly to himself. He tells her he gets it if she doesn't want to date him anymore, but she unenthusiastically tells him that she does. She wants to date just him. Oh, Betty. "Sushi's good, yeah, but so is a nice slice of pizza," she tells him, and they kiss, without any chemistry getting in the way at all. Girl, Henry would totally buy you a slice if you wanted one.
After the ball, Wil goes to see the rapidly regenerating Fey, where she complains that Nico's appearance is making her look totally old. In fact, she had to send Jason back "to the frat house." Fey doesn't really care, and just wants to know what's up with Daniel and Bradford. Wil only knows that Daniel is off the scent. What do they do now? "I think it's time for Fey Sommers to come out of seclusion," Fey says. That's going to be entertaining.
Back in Queens, Betty tells her father that "it is exhausting being a butterfly. No wonder they only live two weeks." Ignacio wonders if that's true. Betty smiles wistfully. "Just something I know," she says. "Is there anything else I should know?" she asks, leading the witness. He tries to cover it up, but finally admits what the rest of us have figured out: "I've been using someone else's Social Security number for years." He's an illegal alien. Oh, Ignacio.