Trust, Lust And Must

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Ignacio needs to pay a lawyer a whole bunch of money to avoid being deported, so Betty starts selling Herbalux at work. This goes about as well as you would imagine: with Hilda's help, she makes a total killing selling the product to the weight-obsessed Mode staffers, but Wil shuts the little side business down. Wil also gives Betty the money to pay the retainer, in exchange for a favor to be named later. Betty realizes that this is bound to end in her being forced to screw over Daniel, and gives the money back. Luckily, Hilda has made friends with Debi Mazer -- playing a sassy, bialy-loving Queens lawyer -- which I suspect will come in handy in the future. Speaking of Ignacio, he and Betty have it out, because she feels totally betrayed by the whole Lying About Being in the Country Legally thing. She eventually apologizes and tells him that he doesn't owe her an explanation, but he gives her one anyway, and it is a doozy: apparently, Hilda and Betty's mother was first married to a rich but abusive man in Mexico, and Ignacio was their chef. Ignacio eventually murdered the abusive first husband (I know!) and he and the girls' mother ran off to the United States. He never applied for amnesty or a green card because of how he's a MURDERER! It's SO soap-operatic, I love it. Meanwhile, at the office, Salma Hayek is incredibly hot and has a great rack. Naturally, Daniel wants to have sex with her A WHOLE LOT, and hits on her shamelessly. She, however, turns out to be a best-selling author and a high-powered new editor at Meade, who is shamelessly manipulating Daniel and also about a hundred and ninety-six percent smarter than she is. It's kind of genius. Daniel's basically having very bad luck with the ladies. When he continues to treat poor Amanda like crap, she eventually confesses that she hates being his booty call, and breaks it off with him. We're all very proud. As for Wil, she's got her hands full with Nico, who's decided that she wants to go to school in New York instead of Paris, and who also decides to do a whole lot of acting out to get her mother's attention. It doesn't work in the sense that Nico simply can't outsmart Wil, but it does work in the sense that Wil seems to be having some second thoughts about the way she's parenting her child. Does this mean we will see Nico again? I imagine so. On the Fey Sommer Mystery Tour, it's Fey's birthday, and guess what happens? She reappears, just in time for Bradford to catch a glimpse of her hanging around her tomb. Want more? The full recap starts right below!

So, remember how Ignacio told us last week that he's in the United States illegally? Yeah, it turns out that he could be deported, according to the lawyer the family visits. As you can imagine, Betty is not happy about this: "He has a family. He pays taxes. He's a Mets fan," she tells their Immigration Lawyer. Immigration Lawyer needs a name. I shall call him Mercutio. "He's in Oprah's Book Club!" Hilda says. Ignacio is TOTALLY in Oprah's Book Club. I can see him standing over the stove, stirring a pot of something delicious and reading some tragic book about a woman who dropped her baby down a well or something. Mercutio tells them that Ignacio has been "red flagged." In other words, the government is investigating whether or not they need to send him back to Mexico. Delighting all the posters who have been debating this very point, Mercutio then asks Ignacio why he never applied for a green card or became a citizen during the Amnesty period in the 1980s. Ignacio defensively snaps that he was "a little busy providing for [his] family." He's wants to talk about what they're going to do NOW, anyway. "How much is this gonna cost me?" he asks. Mercutio explains that this meeting was pro bono, because of how much his wife loves the Herbalux that Hilda's been feeding her, but in order for them to keep him on retainer...he hands them a sheet of paper with the costs on it. "Twenty GRAND?" Hilda asks, reading it. Ignacio holds up his green parking ticket. "Do you validate?" he asks. They'd better, for twenty grand.

It's morning in Manhattan. Daniel and Amanda hurry into the office together. She asks him to slow down. "After last night, I think I need a walker," she snickers. Daniel ignores this compliment and just complains that they're going to be late for Wilhelmina's meeting about the "Must Mode" issue. In my vast, vast, vast, vast, vast experience, if you compliment a man on his sack skills (a piece of terminology I learned from Cosmo, thank you very much) and he responds by talking about work instead of saying something like, "YOU KNOW IT," your relationship is in deep and terrible shit. Amanda shrugs that "Cruella de Vil can wait," and then hesitantly wonders if he ever figured out which of his many, many sexual partners had been holding his watch for ransom. Daniel, bored, says that Betty never told him who had it, and Amanda responds that she wants to talk to him about that whole thing, and she starts yammering and he starts totally ignoring her, because Salma Hayek just strolled past him, holding a cup of coffee and mesmerizing him with her boobs. Daniel cuts Amanda off and tells her they better take "separate elevators," so as to, you know, protect their privacy. He is so full of it. And Amanda knows it. "Right," she says. "Because my panties stuffed in your paper shredder didn't tip them off," she sneers, as Daniel gets into the lift with Salma. I really do like Daniel, but his behavior in this particular episode is kind of unpleasant. I mean, for one thing, it's generally a bad idea to sleep with the receptionist at your office, if only because if things go wrong you will never get your messages, but it's a particularly bad idea to sleep with and then dick around someone at your office. While I don't have a problem with Daniel wanting to have sex without strings, I do have a problem with him not listening to Amanda when she says she wants to talk to him and then ditching her for a hot girl, especially after last week, when she clearly just wanted to spend time with him.

Inside the elevator, Daniel and Salma exchange flirtatious looks, right up until the final person stuck in there with them pushes past Salma to get out and makes her spill coffee all over her chest. Salma is predictably aggravated by this, and Daniel offers to help, saying that he's got a lot of women's clothes up in his office. At first I thought he meant, "I have many items of clothing that were abandoned by my many lovers," but now that I think about it, I believe he was just referring to the resources of the Mode closet. At any rate, I have no idea what happened in the rest of this scene, because Salma then takes off her top and not only is her bra really cute, her boobs are totally huge and mesmerizing. I believe she handed Daniel's ass to him on a platter for thinking that she'd let him manhandle her there in the elevator, but how is anyone supposed to concentrate when those funbags are bouncing around? Seriously, she's hot.

And into the conference room for the "Must Mode" meeting. The "Must Mode" issue, obviously, is the list-y one full of the editors' take on which shoes are a must, which pants are a must, which style of bikini wax is a must, etc. Everyone's getting out their notebooks and prepping to present their ideas, when Wil gets a call. It's Nico. Wil hisses that this BEST be an emergency and then says, "No, you can not submit my apartment for Pimp Yo House." I must admit that I actually laughed out loud at that line. It's so bizarre to be recapping a show that doesn't make me want to take out its writing staff in a hail of bullets. She hangs up and gets back to work, telling the staff that the Must List isn't just an "It List," it should include personal "Musts" as well. "Like, 'Must Be On Time,'" she says pointedly, as Betty comes in late.

While Wil blathers on about how the Must List should also tackle important reader issues, Amanda attempts to play footsie with Daniel. Daniel, it becomes clearer with each episode, really doesn't add much to the magazine, since he's just sitting in this editorial meeting to the receptionist, rebuffing the advances of her poor little foot. HAVE AN IDEA, DANIEL. Wil is now talking about the Fashion Musts for 2007. Apparently, polka dots are NOT one of them, news which causes a blonde staffer in a polka dot blouse to look terribly shamed. And it IS a shame: I've been wearing polka dots for years, and this year was great because they were everywhere, and year will be terrible because I will look dated. Take a moment now and weep for my great, sweeping, dotted tragedy. I hope you manage to pull it together to read the rest of this recap, so sad is that tale. Anyway, Wil tells them all to get to work and dismisses the meeting. As I said earlier, I like Daniel, but the more I see Wil in action, the more I agree with her: she SHOULD be EIC and there's a big part of me that would sort of like to see Daniel deposed in favor of someone who both knows what she's doing, and has a real passion for it.

Anyway, after this meeting, Betty runs down Daniel's appointments for him, including the fact that he's got an "Editor in Chief" meeting in Bradford's office the day. Daniel is paying absolutely no attention to her at all, and just directs her to find out who Salma is for him. "Must hunt down Daniel's babe," Betty repeats, and rolls her eyes. She went to one of America's Best Value colleges for this?

Elsewhere, Bradford is not getting ready for his Editors In Chief meeting, but is instead moping in his office, watching old film of Fey Sommers. On the tape, she tells a reporter, "Whatever Bradford Mead does, he can't get rid of me." This show is delightfully subtle, like a piano falling on your foot. Bradford's Crusty Old Assistant Broad swoops in and announces that it feels like Fey is still around. Bradford, privately, is like, "You have no idea." COAB wonders if Bradford remembers "what tomorrow is." Bradford sighs. "How could I forget?" he asks. I hope it's the first day of the Barney's Warehouse Sale!

Over to Wil's icily chic apartment, which one of the posters rightly noted looks just like a very posh dentist's office. Nico is eating cereal for dinner, despite that fact that Wil has brought home wine, cheese, and pears. And perhaps we are supposed to feel that this is not an appropriate dinner for a teen, but the actress playing Nico looks about my age (hint: NOT A TEEN), and cheese and wine and pears sounds pretty great to me. I'm sure she'd love it! Anyhoodle, there's all this blahdey blah that Nico wants to go to school in New York, while Wil thinks Swiss boarding school is just the ticket. I can not believe we're actually supposed to think that Jowharah Jones is, like, fifteen. IMDb has no birthday listed for her, which is Hollywood code for "WAY older than she's playing." It also seems to think that her character's name is spelled "Niko," but I refuse to believe that. Anyway, Wil explains that back when she was a girl, she didn't want to go off to boarding school either, but it turned out to be fantastic. She eyes the cereal box, and adds that school also promises "far better food than Captain Crisp." Nico rolls her eyes: "Cap'n. I don't think he's an official maritime officer," she says, and takes a big old bite.

At the Suarez abode, which does NOT look anything like a dentist's office, the girls are going through paperwork and photos at the kitchen table. "Dad, is this everything from Mexico?" Betty asks, and he tells her that it should all be there. Betty wonders again why he didn't apply for a green card in 1986, when Reagan offered amnesty. Ignacio says, very sternly, "I missed it, okay?" Betty apologizes, and then they start trying to figure out how to pay for this lawyer. Hilda suggests -- apparently not for the first time -- that Betty try to sell Herbalux at Mode. She thinks it'll be easy money, since all those high fashion magazine girls are dying to be skinny. Ignacio agrees that this isn't the worst idea he's ever heard. And while I myself would not want to be selling diet pills at work, Hilda's got a point. Betty is not paying attention to this debate because she's distracted by a photo she's found of their mother in which she's holding hands with someone who's been torn out. For your information: Mama Suarez was dishy. Ignacio claims the man torn out of the picture was just an old boyfriend, but Betty sniffs that she thought Ignacio and her mother were each other's first love. "Stop it with the damn questions," Ignacio finally snaps at her, and gets his sweater. "I'm going for a walk. If that's okay with you, Betty," he says. He leaves, and there is a moment of silence, and then Hilda asks Betty what's wrong with her. "Obviously, he's sensitive about all this." Betty points out that they deserve to know the truth, but Hilda counters that getting Ignacio all upset isn't going to help anything. Betty retorts that she's not letting Ignacio off the hook until he tells them the whole truth. And then she agrees to sell Herbalux at Mode.

The morning, Betty runs through her Herbalux sales pitch to a very proud looking Hilda. I note with amusement that Betty is wearing a polka dot blouse. Enjoy it while you can, sister. Hilda tells Betty not to be afraid to stick herself out there and really SELL SELL SELL. Betty pastes on a fake smile. "Tired of sticking your finger down your throat? Want to lose weight the easy way? Ask me HOW!" she sasses. Hilda just tells her that that's a good line, and she might steal it. She then ruins the lines of Betty's heinous top by pinning on a giant button that reads "LOSE 10 POUND IN 10 DAYS." Betty sighs, and wonders if she can go to work and humiliate herself now. Hilda -- clearly really thrilled by this entire arrangement -- just reminds her to sell the appetite suppressant BEFORE lunch. "HAPPY HERBALUXING!" she calls after her.

When she gets to the office, Betty strolls right up to Marc, and announces that she thinks she has something that might interest him. "Unless it's Taye Diggs covered in baby oil, I doubt it," he responds. Okay, two things: (1) Hells, YES. Taye Diggs is hot; and (2) Enough with the cross promotion, ABC. We know Taye has a new show out. I've seen about 98 ads for it in the last fifteen minutes. Betty launches into some long spiel about science and herbs and Marc looks up to tell her to beat it, and then reads her Giant Button. "Ten pounds? Reach for the stars!" he chirps. Wil comes over at this point and reminds him that he has phone calls to make for her. "Work those halls, you little diet diva," Marc whispers to Betty, and scampers into Wil's office. Wil glares at Betty, who offers a weak smile in return.

"I don't like it when she smiles. It's too metallic," Wil says when she gets into her office with Marc. He shrugs that it seems Betty wants to earn "a few extra pesos." "Interesting," Wil drawls, and tucks that info away to use at a later date. She asks Marc for the update on Operation Boarding School. It appears that most of Europe is uninterested in Nico, but they're waiting to hear from one final school in Paris. Wil tells him to get the Parisians on the phone, and Marc gets up and starts to go. Almost at the door, he turns back and tells her that Daniel has pushed his meeting with Wil because he has another meeting in Bradford's office. "Editors in Chief only," he tells her hesitantly. "I'm sure Skippy's holding his own," Wil snaps.

For once, Wil is wrong. Skippy is not holding his own. In fact, I imagine that the last time Skippy held his own was this morning in the shower when he -- never mind. Anyway, Daniel sees Salma, in a hot red dress, give an old dude a cup of coffee. "My pleasure," Salma coos to Baldy. Daniel saunters over to the coffee station and leans "seductively" on the table. "I like mine black. Two sugars," he says, in a way that I'm sure he thinks is suave. Salma has the grace to look moderately amused. "You want me to get you coffee?" she asks. And Daniel's all, isn't that why you're here? "And what gave it away? Was it my accent?" Salma asks. Daniel retorts that is was actually the fact that she's the only one there who doesn't edit a Meade Publication. There is some awkward flirting -- seriously, if Daniel flirts like this all the time, there's no way he gets as much ass as the show otherwise implies -- some of which seems to be equating Mode's circulation with the size of his manhood, and then mercifully Salma shut him down by IDing him as the only EIC in the room who was "born into his job." While she, of course, is the newest EIC in the Meade stable, helming a new weekly targeting the "empowered modern woman." She's also the author of a best-selling book, Making Your Man a Bottom. I can not believe they got away with that title in the 8 PM timeslot. Once Bradford has finished introducing Salma, she smiles and gives stupid, sexy Daniel a cup of coffee. He groans.

Hilda is shilling Herbalux outside "Ms Tone," a gym in Queens. The owner or manager or whomever comes out and really reads her the riot act about working his sidewalk. They bicker and he threatens to call the cops. "And what could you possibly tell them?" Debi Mazer asks, strolling into frame. He says that it doesn't concern her; she, of course, being an Empowered Modern Woman tells Crabby McGym to apologize to Hilda and rattles off a whole load of statutes and yadda about the freedom to assemble. Hilda is totally impressed, and so am I: Debi rules, and Crabby is nonplussed. "You can forget about your free towel," he brats to Debi, and leaves. Hilda is impressed, and Debi -- or as her name is here, Leah -- hands over her business card and confides that those statutes really only apply to disabled veterans. Hilda is thrilled to meet a lawyer. What fantastic timing! It is at this moment that Betty calls with the news that their mother is wearing a wedding ring in the Mysterious Photo, despite the fact that their parents were not yet married when the picture was snapped. Hilda rolls her eyes and tells Betty to stop playing Nancy Drew and start selling all those potentially dangerous herbal supplements she's got in her backpack. Betty confesses that, indeed, she has sold a mere ten bucks worth. "Great. Dad can buy a set of maracas when he's sent back to Mexico," Hilda snaps, and informs her sister that she is on her way over to Meade to show her how it's done! Betty is predictably horrified.

Back at the office, Wil is on a clandestine phone call with Fey. At least, I presume it's clandestine. Maybe Wil screams, "MARC! Get Fey Sommers on the line NOW!" And everyone at Mode just averts her eyes, because they think Wil is delusional. She's hiding in plain sight. Anyway, Wil is telling Fey that everything with Nico is fine, like Fey gives a damn. Speaking of, I can't wait until it comes to pass that this isn't actually Fey, but someone else entirely, and I have to come up with another name for her. At any rate, the point of this incredibly short scene -- although there will be no complaints about its brevity here -- is that Wil wonders how Bradford plans to "celebrate this special day," and Fey goes, "I'm sure the way Bradford Meade and Fey Sommers always celebrated their birthdays. TOGETHER." DUM DUM DUM DUM. All I know is, I just love celebrating my birthday with a dead body. As for Fey, she needs to know how Wil plans to fuck with Daniel now that Bradford has smoothed things over with him. Also, she adds, Daniel can't keep getting better at his job. I wouldn't worry too much about that, Corpse-y McDeath. Wil agrees that "The little nugget [I swear that's what she said] remains a threat to our plans. But short of taking a bat to his knees..." Fey likes THAT idea, but Wil thinks what they need to do is exploit the person who's been propping Daniel up all this time. She's about to expound on this when Marc runs in, wheezing. "It’s an emergency. Bergman's. Shoplifting. Nico," he heaves out. Wil looks mildly aggravated.

Elsewhere, Daniel is not reading The Book, or looking at photo shoots or approving cover shots. Instead, he is complaining about Salma to Betty. She was so rude to him! And why didn't Betty tell him who she was? Betty points out that, first of all, Daniel could have been more specific about who this person was, and second of all, Salma (who is named Sofia Reyes) was just profiled in the New York Times and on ABC News. (Of course.) And she has a best-selling book! How is it possible, Betty is implying, that Daniel didn't recognize her?! "Books, newspapers, ABC News? I pay attention to which of those?" Daniel asks. Betty's face says, "This is why you're not very good at your job," but her mouth wisely remains shut. "Now she thinks I'm an unqualified himbo who got the job because of my father. DON'T SAY ANYTHING," Daniel says. He complains that Salma was ten steps ahead of him the entire time! Betty suggests that he apologize, but Daniel muses that he needs to be more skillful and profound than that. Betty looks doubtful. "JEWELRY" he says, like no one has ever apologized to a woman with jewelry before, and then he tells her to call Nigel at Tiffany's and have him "send over the usual." Berry rolls her eyes harder than usual.

Bergman's. Nico is waiting in a little room, sulking, when a salesgirl comes in and coos that she knows Nico was unaware that the dress had been placed in her bag. Nico is all, "Except for how I shoved it in there." The salesgirl -- let's call her Titania -- just smiles. "But, clearly, you thought you'd paid for it. We'll just forget this whole mess," she says. It is at this point that Nico realizes Titania has spoken to Wil. Titania explains that Bergman's considers Wil one of its "dearest friends," "As she does you," Marc coos, strolling in. "Oh," Nico says, disappointed. "She sent her bitch." Titania twitters that she will leave them alone. Marc: "Nico." Nico: "Marc." Marc snorts that he can't believe Nico thought "imitating that very special episode of Punky Brewster" was going to get Wil's attention. Nico pouts some more. I feel like she could be about 700% more interesting, and yet all she inspires in me is an intense desire to nap.

Mode. Hilda arrives with her tools, which include a huge stand-up cutout of a girl in a bikini. She comments to Betty that the office looks like "a gay version of Star Trek" and wonders if Betty is finally ready to start really selling. Betty, on the other hand, wants to know if Hilda is ready to start listening to Betty's theories about their mother. She's holding some other dude's hand, Betty squeaks, holding up a giant, blown-up version of the offending photo. But Hilda doesn't want to listen; she wants to sell. Betty complains that selling Herbalux is demeaning, but Hilda says that she would put on a chicken suit and sell on the corner to make the kind of money Betty could make at Mode. "Come on! It's for dad," she points out. Betty finally, finally agrees, but insists that she won't use the stand-up. "Oh, no, you did NOT just insult Melanie," Hilda snaps.

Mode Café. Hilda sets up in the middle of the lunch tables and begins to count down from ten. Before she even gets to one, a staffer comes up and says, "Ten pounds? Is that, like, for real?" and they're off. They sell a lot of Herbalux. Like a Girl Scout selling cookies at fat camp. Great, now I want some cookies. We get a gleeful Montage of The Glory of Diet Pills, which ends with a thud when Wil storms in and puts a stop to all the glee. Betty tries to explain what they're up to, but Wil just tells her she's broken a whole boatload of rules. Hilda leaps in at this, and tries to parrot all of Leah's Impressive Statutes, but can't quite recreate her effectiveness. Finally, she just ends with a defiant, "the constitution says, 'freedom of assembly!'" Wil sniffs. "How cute. Caeser Chavez in a push up bra. This is private property, sweetheart. Pack up your stuff and get out," she says, and asks Betty to join her in her office.

Salma's at the GYM, working on one of the Pilates machines. Her assistant says, "Candace Bushnell wants to pitch you a story on power women in Manhattan." Salma says, "Tell her to call when she gets an original idea." MEE-OW. And yet, yes. Enter Daniel. Salma, it appears, has sent his peace offering back. "It's very generic, Daniel. It's the kind of gift you give to the girl you just bagged, or the one you want to bag," Salma explains, somewhat woodenly. Daniel feigns offense at this. "You clearly have the wrong impression of me," he says. And she does, except for the part where he already gave the exact same necklace to Salma's assistant, whom he didn't even remember sleeping with. "I thought I recognized you," Daniel offers weakly. He needs to just start telling people that, although he doesn't like to talk about it, he's actually legally blind.

While Daniel is failing to best Salma yet again, Wil is telling Betty that they're a family at Mode, and that family sticks together. Does she know Rodrigo, in Style? Betty does, saying that he has "great taste." Wil agrees. "But you wouldn't know that if an anonymous donor hadn't paid his way through design school," she says, further explaining that the strongest people are the ones who ask for help. Betty hesitantly explains that her Dad has some legal issues, and they need twenty grand for the lawyer. At this, of course, Wil just writes a check and hands it to her. "What do you want in return?" Betty asks, fearfully. "Is that something you ask family?" Wil asks, and smiles.

Later, Bradford visits Fey's tomb, which looks like a pneumatic tube inside Mode's offices. It seriously looks like somewhere you'd store your cryogenically frozen body until the time came for you to reappear in the future. It's doubly amusing that it appears to be IN the Mode offices. I love the idea that Fey's finally resting place is stuck between the conference room and the vending machines. Bradford gazes down at Fey's coffin, and puts a rose on it gently. He looks up just in time to see Fey in the flesh looking at him from the doorway of the tomb. She races off, and he gives chase, all the way into the phoniest looking graveyard ever. It's hilarious in its fakeness. It makes the Haunted House ride at Disneyland look like stark realism. Speaking of start realism, Bradford does not catch Fey.

The Rack. Betty is just staring at the check from Wil, as Christina explains to those of us who just suffered a major head injury that this is Wil's way of getting to Daniel. I feel like I am supposed to like Christina way more than I actually do. For some reason, I don't ever feel sympathetic toward her in the way that I toward for almost everyone else on this show. Anyway, Betty notes this check could be the answer to all her problems. "That's what they say in the movies. Then they have to kill someone. Or sleep with them. Or both," Christina points out. Betty is all, but what about my Dad? But Christina is bored with Betty's check, and her mother's picture, and her father's imminent deportation. She just wants Betty to get hammered, she says, as she pounds her boilermaker. Betty turns to the bartender and says, "I'll have what she's having." Someone said on the boards, and I agree with this, that you take your girlfriend out and get her plastered when she gets fired or dumped. When her dad is getting deported and her mother had a secret first husband, you listen to her talk about it at length. Christina? Kinda selfish.

Wil's Apartment of Great Sterility. Nico is raiding the fridge, when Wil -- working late on a piece for the Must issue about fur, and sporting a great up-do -- catches her. Five bucks says Daniel -- no, wait. I am better than that "fur pie" joke I was about to make. Let's just say that when Daniel stays up late, I imagine it is not working on the magazine. Nico, of course, launches into a long speech about the evils of fur. She's still bitter that Wil bought her a fur for her eleventh birthday (thinking it was her tenth, no less), forced her to model it, and then missed the shoot for dinner with Oscar de la Renta. Wil shrugs that someone had to convince him that "fishnets are only used for stockings." And listen, that's a pretty good point. She then informs her daughter that the whole shoplifting scheme was really amateur-hour. When she was fifteen, she was having an inappropriate affair with Mikhail Baryshnikov. "Now that is acting out," Wil announces, and tells her wayward offspring to misbehave all she likes. She certainly did, until the day she finally realized that being away from home and family makes you stronger, and teaches you the important truth that the only person you can really count on is yourself. "It's the greatest lesson the Senator ever taught me," Wil reflects, and then tells Nico to get ready to leave for Paris the day.

Over at Daniel's, he is not, in fact, up late working. Instead, he and Amanda are in bed, post-coital. He looks stressed, while she is sporting some very sexy bedhead. She wonders whether he's okay. "The flag was kind of at half mast," she explains. Daniel absently wonders whether it would be generic if he sent her a necklace from Tiffany. On the contrary, Amanda says, she loved it! Remember? He sent her one after their first night together. Daniel blinks and asks if it would be okay to send as an apology. Amanda coyly wonders if he's apologizing for anything in particular. "Yeah, making an ass of myself in front of Sofia Reyes," he groans, as he gets up to go to the bathroom. Amanda looks disappointed. "I sent her a necklace as an apology gift and she called me out on it," he continues. Amanda sadly repeats that he's apologizing to Sofia, not to her. "What do I have to apologize to you about?" Daniel asks, not flippantly, but with the freaked out look of a man who knows there's probably something he did wrong that he just can't remember. "Nothing," Amanda says sadly. "I guess." He goes back into the loo, and she climbs out of bed and wraps herself in her fantastic black trench. She calls to him that she's not feeling well and she's going to go home. And then she very sadly leaves.

Yay! The telenovela is back. Remember how the hot blonde priest impregnated that girl? Well, this week, we learn that her bump IS A SOCCER BALL, which bounces out when Father Mullet reaches out to stroke her belly. That is brilliant. In his Lazy Boy recliner, Ignacio rolls his eyes in disgust and changes the channel. Oh, please. The reveal that a fetus is actually a piece of sporting equipment would only make me turn up the volume. While he's muttering, Betty stumbles in drunk. She slurs that she's going to bed. Ignacio offers her a glass of water, but she snaps at him to let her go to bed. "Talk to me!" he asks her, but Betty turns on him and says that, actually, she needs him to talk to HER and explain to whom, exactly, her mother was previously married. Now that he knows this is to be their topic of conversation, Ignacio says that he doesn’t have to explain anything to her. He is her father! Betty, of course, yells at him to act like it. "I could always look up to you, right or wrong. I could always take your lead. NOW I'M LOST," she says, and storms up the stairs. Apparently, Boilermakers make Betty dramatic. Ignacio just looks sad. "Really?" he's thinking, "a soccer ball?"

The morning, Betty, not surprisingly, is hung-over. That girl needs a cheeseburger, stat. Hilda gives her coffee instead, and tells her that Ignacio left early. Betty moans that she doesn't want to talk about it, but Hilda will have none of this. She heard their entire fight, and so did "half of Regal Park." She wonders what on earth could have happened after she left Mode. Betty shows her the still uncashed check. "Is this real, or is this one of those Ed McMahon things?" Hilda asks, and Betty tells her to look at the signature. "Ooooh," Hilda says. She gets it: Wil wants Betty to sell out Daniel, so she can have his job. For which she is more qualified. "Her money, my soul," Betty agrees. Hilda looks thoughtful and says that she's going to try to figure something else out, but this might be their only option. But Hilda, what about that sassy lawyer you so conveniently met in the first act?

Wil's. Nico is eating her déclassé cereal. Wil walks over, plucks the box off the table, and throws it away without a word. She leaves the room. Nico picks up her cell phone and makes a call. "Can I get the number for FashionTV please?

And so Salma and Daniel meet again, in the elevator, of course. Which gets stuck. Naturally. Salma thinks that he has somehow orchestrated this. He denies it. "The last time this happened, it was four hours of Kevin Federline trying to corn row my hair," he tells her, which is of course not an experience you would want to repeat. There's a lot of "We Hate Each Other; This Means We'll Have Sex" back and forth, as they try and figure out what to do. How about, ring the alarm? Push the call button? Use the little phone thingie in there to call for help? Instead, Salma decides she's going to climb out of the escape hatch in the ceiling. She takes off her shoes, orders Daniel to his knees, and climbs on his shoulders. "Don't look up," she tells him. "Don't flatter yourself," Daniel snorts. "Good. Because I'm not wearing any underwear," Salma purrs. Daniel, of course, looks up, like 90% of America would have. Hell, I'm the person who can not resist clicking on a link that says "not safe for work," even when I KNOW the image under the link is not one I EVER want to see. I would probably look up, too. Anyway, he looks up, and she falls down, right on top of him. Dramatic telenovela music twangs in the background as they writhe around suggestively. "You looked, didn't you?" Salma asks, and then storms off, REALLY dramatically. I can’t wait until the episode where we find out that she's having his soccer ball.

Over in Queens, Hilda, because she is no dummy, is waiting outside Ms Tone for Leah Lawyer. When she shows up, Hilda asks her whether she's ever done any immigration work. Leah, luckily enough, has. "You in some kind of trouble?" she asks. Hilda wonders if what she says will be considered privileged, and Leah says that only works if Hilda is her client. That said, she gives her word that she'll keep whatever Hilda tells her to herself, and it'll only cost her a cup of coffee and a bialy. I might love Leah.

At Mode, Wil's Blood Money Check leans against Betty's old abused Graduation Bunny, which is nice to see, if only as a nod to continuity. Wil strolls over and notes that Betty hasn't cashed the check yet. Betty says that she just hasn't had the chance. "Or haven't made the effort? Steel yourself, Betty. Think about what's best for you. That's how we survive in this business," Wil says, not entirely unkindly, as Amanda races in and tells Wil to get down to the lobby. "It's Nico," she says. Wil scampers off and Amanda turns to Betty. "You too," she says. "I think we might actually see a live execution."

So, Nico is holding a press conference in the lobby, wearing a loin cloth and tube top made out of what looks like suede and screaming that fur is murder. "The Must Mode Issue promotes the unwarranted slaughter of innocent animals," she yells to the assembled journalists and photogs, as well as Amanda, Marc, Daniel, and assorted others from the office. She yaps and yaps and yaps, until Wil finally makes her entrance, wearing a mink coat and only a mink coat. Bravo. Wil smiles, apologizes for being late, thanks everyone for coming, brings Nico into "the good light," and informs the assembled that this is the "Must Debate of 2007: animal rights versus fashion rights. Just who IS right?" And at this brilliant bit of showmanship, everyone applauds. Even the press. Nico looks sulky as Wil tells everyone to read the issue, on sale in January, and dismisses them.

Once everyone leaves -- well, everyone from the press; everyone from Mode sticks around to watch the mother/daughter fireworks -- Nico tells Wil that she wins; she will go to school in France, but she really wishes that Wil would start acting like her mother. "But I guess you don't have a clue where to start," Nico says bitterly. "Is that armor so thick you can't even feel anything anymore?" Not to be unsympathetic to Nico, but: BORING. It's like when Alexis Carrington's children would complain that she was too mean on Dynasty. Do they not understand that her meanness is what makes her awesome? That, and her turbans? Wilhelmina looks sad, and all of her coworkers look awkward. Why are they still even watching? Slink back to your desks and give the woman some privacy, whilst gossiping furiously about this on instant messenger. Nico delivers her final blow, saying that Wil's number one Must is learning how to act like a mother, and finally, everyone scatters. Wil looks sad. She needs to stop being sad and start being awesome again.

As soon as everyone is upstairs, Betty give Wil the check back. "I appreciate your kindness, but I can't cash that," she says. Still shook up from the scene with Nico, Wil just agrees that of course Betty can't, and wishes her good luck with her family situation. "They're never easy," she sighs. Betty leaves, and Wil tears up the check.

Changed into something more appropriate, Nico comes in to say goodbye. "Nico, contrary to what you might think, I do love you and I only want what's best for you," Wil tell her. "You want what's best for YOU," Nico corrects her, and leaves. Wil looks moderately stricken, and I have to say, Vanessa L. Williams is really doing an amazing job with this role. America Ferrera is great, and I love Becki Newton as Amanda, but I think Williams is the surprising standout here. She's funny, and has depth without being mawkish.

Speaking of Amanda, she goes into Daniel's office and closes the door. "I had it. Your lost watch. You left it at my place last week," she confesses. "Surprise, right? You never even thought to consider me. I'm just a late night call to you." Daniel, it appears, is stunned into silence. "You need to find whatever it is that you're looking for, Daniel. I just know, now, that it's not me," Amanda says, and he stands and begins to apologize, but she just leaves, not even turning around when he calls her name. That's my girl. I am so proud of that fictional character.

Bradford finally meets up with Mysterious Leatherman, who is, like, really, really sure Fey is still dead as a doornail. And yet Bradford is sure that he saw her. "You're going crazy, you know that?" ML says, but Bradford continues to insist that he knows what he saw. "Whatever, old man," ML says, and walks off. Oh, that's a great idea: insult the murderer (or, you know...whatever). As soon as ML's gone, Bradford gets out his cell phone and orders a hit on him. Well, that's what's IMPLIED, anyway. I kind of think he might not have even killed Fey. Or, you know, "killed" Fey. But be that as it may, whatever is in store for ML, I am sure it will be poorly planned and shoddily executed.

Wil gets home, and wanders drearily into her kitchen, where she removes Nico's Cap'n Crisp from the trash and starts eating it, sadly, alone, in the dark. Okay, that's miserable, but can we talk about her ponytail for a sec? It's fabulous!

Suarez home. Betty has decided that it's time for a Touching Family Moment, so she asks her father if he remembers her Quincenera. They were dancing, and she broke her heel, and she just wanted to run away, but he held her tighter and kept on dancing? Remember that? "You're our rock, Dad," she tells him. Ignacio looks really sad, as Betty says that she's sorry for how she's been acting. He doesn't owe them any explanation. They hug, and Hilda looks proud in the background. Ignacio sighs. "Ramiro Vasquez," he tells them. That's the man in the picture. And it seems that he was their mother's first husband. And Ignacio was their chef. And he and their mother fell in love. And one night, Ramiro beat her terribly. And pulled a knife on Ignacio. And Ignacio (he THINKS) beat Ramiro to death. "And after that we ran. And I never looked back. Because I vowed I'd never take my eyes off your mother again. I never applied for a green card or amnesty because I was afraid they'd send me back. I killed Ramiro Vasquez." And...SCENE.

And that, my friends, is an episode out! Ignacio is a MURDERER! Except since he didn't make sure Ramiro is dead, it mean that of course he is (a) alive; and (b) on his way to make trouble. But still! Awesome.