Jessica tries to get Bill to let her out of the Authority compound, to warn Jason that Russell and Steve are looking for Sookie, but Bill is insane now, so instead he sends her to turn Jason into a vampire. Unacceptable. They kill her vampire bodyguards, and she runs to Fangtasia!, where she earns her safety by telling Pam she knows where Eric is. Tara denies having a crush on Pam, protesting a bit too much, but the real interesting info is that the Authority now qualifies as a Nest, as in Season One's Dragon House, and that's part of the reason Bill is acting so crazy. The other part of why they are getting so weird is, um, they are on drugs.
Sookie meets with the amazing otherworldly Elder of Faerielande, while Jason allows himself to be glamoured by Steve and Russell so they can be ambushed by the faeries. This part was pretty good, but there were some sadly misjudged jokes that either weren't funny in the first place, or aren't funny now, but either way it's meant to be topical -- and for most people probably just referencing Ke$ha and Boys II Men is the same hilarious thing as actually making a funny joke about those things, which is not actually what happened. Anyway, when it all comes down, Russell overpowers the Elder and drains her, allowing him to detect Faerielande. I loved, loved, loved the Faerie Elder, and was sad to see her go. She was like from space! She was like the Godric of weirdness!
You know who is kind of the new Godric is Jessica. Anyway, Rosalyn shows up at Fangtasia! looking for Elijah -- her gross progeny, turns out -- and Pam takes the fall. So now Pam and Jessica -- as well as Luna and Sam -- are back in custody at the Authority. (At one point, Sam offers himself to Bill as lunch, hopefully with sexy results.) Over the episode, Lilith "appears" to Bill, Candyman, and Salome, telling each of them that they're the Chosen One and they need to kill the other ones and blah-blee-bloo revolutions always turn to the right meep-morp. It's about as subtle and silly as the David Petraeus lookalike showing up at the Authority to remind everybody that America will totally destroy all vampires if necessary.
Which, PS? It's necessary. Baby vamps are running wild all over the real world, Maurella is about to have Andy's baby, Alcide's daddy has come to life in this vampire apocalypse, and Nora and Eric, I have no idea what's up with them at this point. They are doing it, but in a sad way where maybe the visions of Lilith eating Godric's face have done the opposite of make them be into Lilith? I don't get it. The point is, almost the entire cast is now at the Authority, Russell is about to eat all the faeries of Faerielande, and there aren't too many people that aren't involved in one problem or the other, and week is the finale.
PREVIOUSLY
Nora and Bill Lilith-boarded Eric, causing Godric's children to hallucinate his (third, pretend) death in some kind of symbolic Hail Mary, which eventually caused Eric to fake (?) being a Lilinista convert. Jessica's none too sure about any of this, while Russell has abandoned the cause altogether because he just remembered Sookie is a faerie. Sookie found out she's "promised" to an M. Warlow, but not what that means, and Hoyt is bound for Alaska. Pam and Tara are stuck with a crummy new Sherriff and no customers. In animal-people news, Sam and Luna are at the Authority now, where Steve Newlin is being shitty to Emma, while Alcide and his drunk daddy are having incomprehensible werewolf problems.
AUTHORITY
Lilith: "Bill! Drink all of the Me!"
Bill: "Check. Oh, but wait. Is it possible Ah am just crazy now?"
Lilith: "Fuck you mean, now?"
Nora: "Speaking of crazy, I am still crazy."
Salome: "Nora, put on a nice dress. We've got the Army coming by. Are you doing okay?"
Nora: "Am I ever? Also, what about this whole Russell thing where he was in the prophecy that you made up, and now he's suddenly not in the prophecy that you made up?"
Salome: "Don't worry about it. Wanna make out?"
Nora: "I'm cool with whatever."
Bill: "Jessica! Why are you using my phone?"
Jessica: "To tell Jason about the vampire apocalypse and how Steve Newlin is constantly trying to fuck or kill him."
Bill: "Letting you use mah phone is not goin' to change the fact that the Stackhouses are a million miles of bullshit that Ah don't care about anymore."
Jessica: "Is this because you joined a vampire drug cult and think you're Jesus? How about you let me go make him a vampire, like in Vampire Bible? I promise I'm going to."
Bill: "Ah do not believe you would really do it, and you are a terrible liar. Therefore, I will send you with SWAT guys so you'll be forced to turn Jason. Think of it as mah punishment for you trying to use mah phone."
Eric: "It's possible I am more numbers of agent than Bill at this point."
Nora: "Hey, how is it going? Want to have sex out of nowhere?"
Eric: "I thought you had errands to run, because of the Army guy."
Nora: "To be honest I'm at sixes and sevens today."
Eric: "Fine, let's just do it and whatever."
FAERIELANDE!
Sookie: "Wait, so I finally get rid of all eight of my boyfriends and now I'm 'promised' to yet another ancient vampire?"
Jason: "Not even this season is shitty enough to deny you that much agency, is it?"
Sookie: "Giant ghost vampire head in my bathroom says yes."
Jason: "Well, let's talk to a crazy old faerie lady about it. What's the worst that could happen, she dances around the whole time yammering about Ke$ha and Hootie and the Blowfish and gets eaten by Russell without providing any help whatsoever?"
AUTHORITY
General Cavanaugh: "Hello, vampires. I am here to completely avoid explaining the connection between the US government and the Authority, and tell you that we have a bomb or something."
Authority: "I hope you don't think we're the ones that blew up the TruBlood factories!"
Cavanaugh: "Shut up. Where's Roman?"
Bill: "I'm Roman now, for no reason."
Salome: "...Sure, why not."
Cavanaugh: "Roman and I have been working on mainstreaming for twenty years, you jokers..."
Bill & Nora: "Oh, that's easy. We killed his ass."
Eric: "Yeah, we're Sanguinists. I know how dumb it sounds, but honestly what doesn't, at this point?"
Bill: Gives a douchebaggy speech.
Cavanaugh: "Oh my God, you're the worst! Also, how about those two queers that ate the frat house?"
Nora: "We're not friends with them anymore, and shut up."
Cavanaugh: "Okay, the Pentagon and I are going to take care of your shit now. Don't do anything crazy and stupid."
Taking that as his cue, Eric kills him -- "God is a vampire!" -- and it's actually kind of awesome.
JESSICA
Jessica: "Hey, Jason! I'm sorry about that time I bit you and you shot me in the head, okay? So trust me about what's about to happen, okay?"
Jason: "I'm not smart enough to understand your clues."
Jessica: "Okay, one more time, I want you to be super cool with what I'm about to do, okay?"
Jason: "I still don't get it."
Jessica drains his blood and turns him into a vampire. He is surprised, because he did not understand the clues.
AUTHORITY
The vampires freak out on Eric for killing Cavanaugh, and he avoids pointing out that this is the only possible thing he could have done to prevent the war they're all so excited about it. Eric and Nora head out to do vampire things about it, and Bill yells at them to take more SWAT guys because that's like his one move now. Whatever gets Eric -- and, yes, Nora -- out of there.
JESSICA
Jessica and Jason lay down in an open grave for a while until the SWAT guys get bored, and then they kill them. It's fun!
Jessica: "That was some good teamwork! Anyway, sorry about pretending to kill you. But I want it on the record that if I had to kill somebody, it would be you, because I think you're tops!"
Jason: "I don't really have it in me right now to find that romantic."
Jessica: "Oh, I forgot to explain any of what just happened. My bad! So King Russell and Reverend Steve are looking for faeries to eat. And then over at the Compound, Bill and Eric have quote gone crazy on vampire religion, so there's nobody to save her, because she's just a woman."
Jason: "Okay, thanks for telling me the actual relevant part. Later."
Jessica: "That really could have gone better."
FANGTASIA!
Tara and Ginger -- screaming the whole time, presumably -- have cleaned up all of Elijah, even unto using a toothbrush for the cracks and crevices.
Pam: "Oh my God, Tara. You really Tara'd the shit out of this situation. A dead Sherriff's going right up the chain to the Authority."
Tara: "What do you mean? What is a Sherriff or an Authority or anything whatsoever?"
Pam: "It's our government and church combined. The church runs the government."
Tara: "Like the Vatican?"
Pam: "More like the G8 crossed with the Tea Party."
Tara: "Let's not turn this rape into a referendum on my personhood, Paul Ryan."
Pam: "Think of this situation, come November."
As if Tara was ever going to shut up, ever, Pam commands her as Maker not to ever speak of this again. What's interesting, what continues to be interesting, is that it's stopped being funny when she does this: They're both horrified, and it brings tears to their eyes, but really this just illustrates how intense the situation is. Pam just ran out of options to shut her up, so she pulled Maker rank because Tara has no idea what she's done.
As much as I've loved Tara's storyline this year, though, I do have to say that I hate more than the White Lady power stuff with Pam the fact that Tara has not only become what she hates, but she literally became what she hated. She's completely wiped out the moral compass that made this interesting, because she's just a monster doing monster things. I know that bitchy chick Pam gave her deserved a slap or two, but compelling her to be Tara's slave? Imagine if they'd duct-taped a bouquet in her hands, or tied her to a toilet in a wedding dress. The weird implication that things are so equitable in our country in 2012 that it's funny to joke about slavery, or reduce formerly nuanced gay characters into cartoonish faggy '90s punchlines, or ever imply that a black woman who's survived sexual assault, given enough power, would become a slaver and rapist in her own right...
There is no better barometer for privilege than to say "yes, yes" about bigotry, as though simply acknowledging that you're being a bigot means you aren't one. I don't like who this appeals to, whether it's the rape joke our news cycle has become, or the dastardly metaphor here, or any of it. When you're the one on top, you're not allowed to say what's a problem, because you have literally no reason to know for sure. Of course you think everything's fine, it's your privilege to do so. There's a difference between problematizing and being part of the problem, and Tara's been on this particular trajectory since the night she met Marnie, and I just honestly don't think it really works.
Jessica: "Pam, I need you to hide me."
Pam: "No, get out. I already have 99 problems."
Tara, silently: "Sorry, I'm already in the doghouse. I can't help you."
Jessica: "I saw Eric, I know where he is."
Pam: "I'm going to throw you around for a while just for even trying to bargain, but act desperate and adorable enough and eventually I'll accept your terms."
Jessica: "That's firmly in my wheelhouse."
TEAM GODRIC
Eric and Nora kill their SWAT guys, escaping into the Louisiana night. It's all very romantic, as -- to the classical, sacred music on the radio of the abandoned Vampscalade-- she drops her Authority necklace and they, regrettably, take to the sky. I can't say I've warmed to Nora, but I can't say I've ever liked her more, either, than in this episode. Maybe that one time she leaned so far back, I loved that. I love conviction -- Antonia was way better than Marnie times a million; Maryann is still the greatest character ever; even Daphne was cooler than Luna -- even when it's super wrong.
There's just so much about the way the Lilith blood is affecting everybody, though, and I feel like it's still intentionally impenetrable in some fashion, because we can't know the endgame with Bill yet -- which means Nora's constant switching-of-sides is less interesting than what's going on with either of the Boys, because it still keeps coming off as just arbitrary so far. If you're going to throw a girl in there, she'd better be more than just cardboard -- I mean, did Eric just fuck the Lilith right out of her? No way to know -- and I honestly think when you look at it that way, this actress deserves a solid round of applause for making Nora seem like a person at all.
AUTHORITY
Luna: "Where are we?"
Sam: "I guess the Authority?"
Luna: "When we're mice, do we just not pay attention to anything?"
ELDER/SCROLL
Faeries: "Okay, the first thing you should know is that this bitch is crazy."
Sookie: "Crazy how?"
Faeries: "Like, Farscape crazy. Full-on Carl Jung Invisibles crazy. She's everywhere and nowhere and all times are the same to her. It's in some ways the most ambitiously science fictional thing that has ever happened on the show. Everyone on earth will hate it, except Jacob who wishes this show was like this all the time."
The Elder, who is played by an actress that I really like -- most recently, the only story arc I've ever managed to make it through of that show Nikita was all about her -- and what she is doing is dancing. That's what it looks like, but we're in a Faerielande so that's only what it looks like. But this show doesn't seem to reward close reading the way it used to, so how it looks is what we're stuck with.
Elder: "Ke$ha. For or against?"
Ke$ha: "What if we're the aliens?"
Elder: "Anyway, Johnny Stackhouse. Yes, I did know him. He was a landowner. Very handsome. Bit of a creep, no offense."
Sookie: "Yeah, I figured that out when he wrote a contract in his own blood selling me to a giant ghost vampire head in the bathroom."
Elder: "How about this? I won't tell you about Warlow because it's 'forbidden' to talk about, but I can tell you that quote there is a reason that you find vampires irresistible, a reason that you slut your heart out to every cute guy out there with fangs. You, me, this and Warlow, our destinies are entwined."
Sookie: "What is even going on with this show at this point?"
Elder, verbatim: "A dark time is coming. You will be tested. Hold on to your light. As long as we fairies control our light, we will be free."
Sookie: "This is sounding dangerously close to Season Eight. I won't fucking have that nonsense. Now tell me what to do about vampire ghost heads!"
Elder: "Sorry, I just have a lot going on."
It's okay. You're still my favorite thing that has ever happened on this show, or most shows.
Jason: "Hey guys! I just wanted to tell you real quick that King Russell and Reverend Steve remembered there are faeries, and they're coming here to gay it up on you."
Elder: "Hold up. Russell's alive? Didn't see that coming, despite that being my entire deal. Prepare for me to get even less crucial."
Maurella: "PS, I am pregnant suddenly. That matters because of the scene."
MERLOTTE'S
Holly: "Because the fans demanded it, here's an update on how our relationship is going."
Andy: "For the ten minutes, I care."
Her Kids: "Sorry we put your butt on Facebook, and we give you our blessing. Just kidding, we're still trashy little shits."
Andy: "Feel free to be overpowered by my Bellefleur classiness as I apologize for screwing your mom, and offer to take you to a baseball game or some such nonsense."
Holly: "This has been an update on how our relationship is going."
HERVEAUX
Alcide: "Before you ask why I'm shirtless, think about whether it matters."
Random Wolves: "Hey, we just drove up to yell at you about some things, like vampires. There are lots of them coming, like in that one Twilight movie with all the vampires in it."
Jackson: "I know, we're putting up a vampire fence so the vampires won't come kill us like the Hell's Angels."
Random Wolf: "Okay, just letting you know. PS, I am hard to watch, like most werewolves."
Jackson: "Everybody go to hell, I am a mean old drunk with no respect for the Pack!"
Alcide: "I wish that you had more respect for our community. Sometimes I do, and then sometimes I don't. So I kind of get it. But I guess it matters that you embezzled from werewolves at some point."
Jackson: "We're probably going to be killed by vampires anyway. Best we return to our growly-talking competition."
Alcide: "Or I can just hit the ground with this hammer for a while. It's about as interesting to watch."
FAERIELANDE!
Elder: "Don't worry about Warlow or about not having your requisite fifteen boyfriends with magic powers. Sookie, you now have a fairy army on your side."
Sookie: "Just because of Russell? But how would you even know the..."
Elder: "I am being weird! Shut up and listen!"
REGULAR UNIVERSE
Sookie: "...So, you're clear on our mysterious plan?"
Jason: "Yes. I will do the mysterious thing."
Sookie: "I just hope you don't get killed or ass-raped."
Jason: "What matters is that I'm going to get killed or ass-raped protecting you, just like everybody else on this entire show including an entire country of refugee fairies."
Sookie: "I've come to expect it, but thanks anyway."
Although he does give her that one look he usually makes about her -- or his daddy -- which is ultimately compelling as hell, because he is the greatest.
MERLOTTE'S
Arlene & Lafayette: Have a conversation. I watched it six times and I still don't really understand what it's about.
Maurella: "Hey Andy, can we talk?"
Andy: "Not without Maury Povich nearby."
Maurella: "Somehow we had sex multiple times, which weren't on the show, and now I'm magical pregnant and about to have our baby."
Andy: "Maybe you're just a slut?"
Maurella: "Remember that time my finger lit up and you touched it? That was me putting a sparkle in your eye which is now a baby in my uterus. I think."
Andy: "Frankly though, I would prefer to be with Holly, because she is a person."
Maurella, verbatim: "To ignore the Light Pact will bring great dishonor upon me and all my Clan. It is an Act of War."
Andy: "It is so hard to take you seriously when you say shit like that. That was like, Sam Merlotte level of dork."
FANGTASIA!
Jessica: "I mean, Bill always sucked, but this was him acting crazy and mean. It was like he was barely even a pussy."
Pam: "Jacob was right last week. When vampires suck on each other's blood, it makes them act like dinks. It's why the Nest in season one was so dorky. Possibly also this Lilith stuff is making them even worse."
Jessica: "Well, thanks for letting me stay here anyway."
Pam, verbatim: "Totally! Maybe later we can braid each other's hair and talk about boys. Fuckin' baby vamps."
Jessica: "Wow, she's really rude. But I guess that just makes her complex. Sometimes people really like a rude drag queen character like that, because they have unexpressed rage."
Tara: "Yeah, but she's also really kind of neat this season."
Jessica: "Are you in lesbian love with her? THAT IS AWESOME! Any two gay people in any location should automatically date, that's not offensive at all!"
Tara: "Uh..."
Jessica, awesomely: "Sorry, I just don't have any friends. I'm trying to demonstrate interest. I guess you can beat me up sometimes if you want, I'll be fine eventually because of how I'm a vampire. And I like talking to you, even though everything makes you act like an asshole."
Tara: "Fine. I will bring you a human being later that you can suck their blood. PS, I am totally in love with Pam now."
Jessica: "LOL. We totally braided each other's hair and talked about boys, and nobody even noticed. Hamby 1, Bitches 0."
LATER
Tara: "We're out of TruBlood, but you can feed on any of the sad gross people that still come here."
Authority Barb: "Actually I'm looking for Elijah? He's my progeny."
Tara: "Ugh, of course he is. Well, he's not here."
Authority Barb: "I can smell his exploded blood on you, first of all, and also a maker can always tell when her kid dies. We weren't crazy close, I have 204 kids, but I'm still going to fuck everything up for you."
Tara: "Not only do I not know what to do here, but I also am literally incapable of talking about this. Darn vampire rules."
Pam: "...Uh, sorry I killed your kid. But he was fucking annoying."
Authority Barb: "Then you're under arrest, just like you told Tara you would be. Also, hi Jessica."
Jessica: "Aw, shit. I guess my plan to hide out here was somewhat contingent on me, you know, actually hiding."
It is ludicrous, at this point, how many times Jessica has gone to the New Orleans compound and back in the last 36 hours. It's like her Mexico. And I mean, Tara's sad about Pam getting killed for this, but on the other hand how the hell else is Pam going to get to Eric and blow up the Authority? I mean, he's not there anymore, but there does seem to come a point in each season where Pam takes care of the shit, so you might as well put her where she can do the most damage.
AUTHORITY
Lilith: "Bill! I told you to drink all of me and become vampire Jesus!"
Bill: "And Ah said Ah would thank about it!"
HERVEAUX TRAILER
Baby Vampires: "We're going to eat you! Except for this fence!"
Jackson: "That's how come the fence!"
Alcide: "Just in case, though, I'm going to go get killed by all those vampires."
Jackson: "Ugh, you're so dumb sometimes."
THE HUNK SANDWICH PLAN
Jason patrols Sookie's house, where Russell and Steve are headed, and eventually Russell grabs and glamours him. They chest-bump him back and forth, because homosexuals are really into straight guys and threesomes and gross daddy stuff, and also have no concept of monogamy. Oh, and they abuse their adopted children.
Jason: "Oh, Sookie? Yeah, she's in another universe that is a cabaret of faeries."
Russell: "That is crazy! It sounds exactly like what I would have made up for the best case scenario, and therefore I am not suspicious at all. You wanna go there?"
Jason: "Sure, I'll lead you right to her!"
Russell: "The thing about hubris is, sometimes it's just confidence. Dale Carnegie taught me that, before I turned him into a vampire. Have you met my boyfriend Steve?"
Jason: "Hey, Steve. This is rather awkward."
MEANWHILE
Alcide and his dad engage in that perennial fight of vampires and werewolves. Guess who wins?
AUTHORITY
The SWAT guards notice Sam and Luna running around naked and for once they are not immediately struck by this, because they're running around a place where plenty of hapless humans are already naked, because they are food. Emma's down in there for some dumb reason, but it doesn't matter: They are shifternapped.
Guard: "Bring one of these naked people for Bill to eat!"
Sam: "I am that naked person! We had sex once, I can fix this!"
Luna: "Um..."
Sam, verbatim: "Do whatever you have to!"
Luna: "I'm naked and in jail. What, are you suggesting I have magic powers or something? I can just turn into a rhinoceros or a dragon and solve everything?"
Sam: "You're right, sorry! That was a dumb idea!"
RELIQUARY
Bill: "I just came in here to have another fight with a bottle of stuff. What are you doing here?"
Candyman: "I keep thinking Lilith is saying I should drink all of the Her."
Bill: "That doesn't arouse my suspicions at all! Drink all of this me killing you instead!"
Sam: "Pam!"
Pam: "Sam?"
Sam: "Save Luna!"
Pam: "Who the fuck is Luna?"
Sam: "I know, right?"
Chelsea: "Chancellor Compton, if you're done with your eighty-seventh coup for no reason, we brought Jessica back for the hundredth time in the last two episodes."
Bill: "Jessica, Ah am appalled at yore behavior!"
Jessica: "I'm really not interested in your judgy shit right now."
Bill: "It is all Ah ever have to offer!"
Jessica: "Pam said you are in a Nest and that you are on crazy pills. Also, you've spent the last five years doing way dumber shit than me pretending to save Jason Stackhouse. Like literally the entirety of this show, just for Sookie and her precious fairy sna..."
Bill: "-- Lilith commands that vampire hath dominion over human!"
Jessica: "You are such a fucking dork all the time!"
Bill: "You say fucking dork, Ah say VAMPIRE JESUS!"
Unfortunately, Bill takes this moment to beat the shit out of Jessica. As if he had any strikes left.
MORE LILITH ANTICS
I like to imagine Lilith and Godric still hanging out in the ether, like, "Get a load of this shit. These people are idiots."
Lilith: "Salome! Drink all the Me! You're the real vampire Jesus."
Salome: "I kinda figured."
FAERIELANDE!
Steve and Russell zoom around the field smelling fairies and being very hungry about it and tweaking their nipples and it's hilarious and you're like, "What am I doing with my life, even?" And also the fae inside the other dimension are watching this happen like it's a movie, or like at the beginning of Labyrinth.
Elder: "You know what would be real nuts? If I went out there and got my ass eaten by Russell Edgington right now for no reason."
So she does. She accidentally zaps Jason about a million feet through the air instead of Russell, and then he eats her so bad that he can see Faerielande for himself. And invites himself on in for a little buffet.
WEEK
It's the finale! All of the storylines suddenly come together and make sense! Just kidding!
I mean, every season everybody wigs about how the show doesn't bother connecting the dots or cutting down on characters, and every season I'm like, "You guys are so silly! Half of this is just casting sides for a character we'll see in one scene total. And the parallel storylines are challenging, admittedly, but you can always figure it out if you try." This year, I don't get it. I just don't understand. Lala, the ifrit, Tara... Is there any chance that the finale won't just be a cliffhanger onto the actual war season? I know that it will be great -- this episode was packed with fun -- but will it actually wrap itself up and be like, "Ah. Got it"?
Theories: Maybe it's about being up against something so big that you have to make an unmakeable choice? Like Pam shushing Tara, that had consequences beyond just making this point, but the point was there to be made: Sometimes you do a gross thing because it's the only thing. Not even just the less-gross thing, but literally the only thing. I can see that with Terry, and Tara; even the reverse-racist shifters with their Dragon story, or the werewolves knowing they're going to get chewed up by the vampire politics. But then, Warlow? Sookie doing even less than she has ever done in this whole show? I don't know. I will keep thinking about it, but hopes are not high. See you week.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.