Sookie stakes Coroner Mike Spencer, who has just become a vampire, because the Authority has instituted a new policy calling for thirty new vampires in every Area. Jason finds a scroll under her bed that is not in a known language, so they take it to the fae, where we learn that it's a magical contract promising Sookie to that ghost-head that yells at her in the bathroom? So I guess she's getting ghost-married now.
Bill kills Molly in some kind of loyalty move, and then doses Eric and Nora with more Lilith blood so that they can hallucinate Godric being killed by Lilith. Does any of that make sense? No it does not. But Eric's now apparently part of the Sanguinistas (he is fooling!) -- and a weird détente with Russell doesn't make his position any less scary than it was last week. Northman's going through a lot, is what I'm saying.
Russell and Newlin eat an entire frat house, pledge some kind of love for each other, and eventually go cray-cray in separate ways: Steve verbally abusing Emma for assuming her human shape, while Russell's declaring war on the Boys and maybe even the Authority itself, if it ends up standing between him and delicious faerie blood. (He also comes up with the excellent plan of synthesizing it, now that all the TruBlood factories are gone.)
Pam and Tara contemplate their various orders from Sheriff Elijah, but when it comes down to possibly getting split up, Tara unceremoniously takes him out. It's really sweet, actually. Fangtasia!, as well as Merlotte's, are pretty much empty at this point, so there's a real loneliness to almost everything going on.
Sam and Luna smuggle themselves into the Authority, where they're eventually joined by Jessica, who is finding her new cult-flavored daddy pretty tough to deal with. Which brings us to the absolutely sublime climax of the episode -- one of the best scenes ever on the show -- in which, at Hoyt's request, Jessica glamours him to forget both her and Jason forever, and leave Bon Temps. While she's interrupted in her post-farewell breakdown, Jason gets the rest of the episode to freak out and cry about ol' Bubba. And I'd be lying if I said the six people in my living room weren't right there with him.
Two episodes left: A war in earnest, faeries on the table and the Authority in lockdown.
PREVIOUSLY
Eric's overly high expectations of Bill Compton continued biting him in the ass, as Bill sold out both Godric's kids and Molly in the mix. Jason and Sookie are on the fairy case to find the mysterious Warlow, the vampire that killed their parents; Jason and Jess have just about ruined Hoyt forever. Sookie and Sam managed to take down the Obamas with some help from Andy Bellefleur, Steve and Russell persist in bothering the Shreveport wolves with their Nazi drug cult nonsense, and have taken Emma as their little gay baby, while a grody new Sherriff has taken over Area V and Fangtasia! itself.
SOOKIE
In one of the best openings of an episode ever, Sookie chows down on some Chinese while watching Steve Newlin do his day job as the new Nan Flanagan, talking about how the TruBlood factory explosions have increased vampire attacks by 50 percent. She's yelling at the screen when there's a knock at the door: Coroner Mike Spencer, reintroduced over the past few weeks as a possible red herring for the Dragon, turns out to be a whole other kind of thing. She invites him in, he pops fang and tries to eat her, and eventually she stakes him with a chopstick, and it's amazing. I don't even know what to say, beyond the fact that this show is rarely very scary -- and that was quite scary. In the end, she's left sitting in puddle of Mike goo, takeout ruined, just kind of chilling in the ongoing wet mess that is the three-way war between people, vampires and fae.
AUTHORITY
Authorities: "Molly! Thanks for inventing the iStake we have put on you since you're the only person in this whole building with your shit together at all."
Molly: (Is total Tank Girl for the few minutes they let her live, trying to explain that they are all insane drug addicts now and that evolution is not compatible with fundamentalism, because they are retrograde creepazoids. Then she explodes.)
Newlin: "OMFG! I've never actually seen a vampire get staked before, that was awesome!"
Salome: "First of all, bullshit. You were the leader of a vamp-staking megachurch. This wide-eyed innocent routine only serves the single purpose of making your relationship with Russell even more problematic and retrograde."
Russell: "Steve, do you want to go on a date right now?"
Authorities: "He can't, he has homework for tomorrow. Nan Flanagan stuff."
Russell: "No, we're going out. I feel like Greek. Have fun dealing with Eric, though."
FORTENBERRIES
Maxine: "I can't wait for you to move into my house for the fifty-seventh time! I love it when your life is in the shitter."
Hoyt: "I think I want to move to Alaska, actually. But thanks for keeping Jessica from saving me from my horrible pig injuries. That was really short-sighted and racist of you."
Maxine: "It is the Fortenberry way. Hold on, Alaska?"
Hoyt: "Yeah. You may have noticed that Bon Temps is a shitty place to live. So I'm going somewhere worse."
No problem, bro. Give my regards to Levi Johnston, and don't let the door hit ya.
FANGTASIA!
Elijah: "It seems profits have gone down ever since you sold out of TruBlood and nobody comes here anymore."
Pam: "That follows."
Elijah: "So how are you paying your employees?"
Tara: "She isn't! But whatever, I'm concentrating on hating you right now."
Elijah: "I make it easy, by being so gross. You know, there's a fangbanger bar in Natchitoches that's managed to monetize glory holes. You stick whatever in a hole, and then a vampire bites on it."
Pam: "Somehow that is one of the more depressing things I have ever heard."
Elijah: "Well, figure out something then. Oh, and if you don't help the Authority create 30 new vampires in this Area by December, I will take possession of your assets. Including Tara."
Tara: "This show really doesn't know what to do with me. Even this, my best year ever, kind of still comes down to shit like this. I just may have to actively do something for once."
SOOKIE
Andy: "Are you going to finish that Chinese food?"
Sookie: "Well, it has Mike Spencer all in it. And it's like evidence or something, right?"
Andy: "No matter how many times you ask it, I'm not going to charge you with any of your constant murders."
Sookie: "Where did this even come from? Mike Spencer was a human being like two days ago."
Andy: "Who knows. I'm kind of tired of vampires, frankly. What's ironic is that Mike Spencer loved crime scenes like this. I kind of miss him."
Sookie: "He wanted to suck on my toes at the bank."
Andy: "Well, yeah. And he jerked off to autopsies. I guess this one's going in the fuck-it bucket after all."
AUTHORITY
Bill: "Eric, you've got to stop being so level-headed and skeptical of our crack-fueled fascist theocracy!"
Eric: "That's putting it nicely. Really, I just think this whole thing is stupid. I keep telling you that and nobody believes me."
Bill: "Okay, well, Nora and I have decided to force you to drink more Lilith blood and see what happens."
Eric: "See? Stupid."
Bill: "And yet my man-crush continues unabated. Now take a bunch of drugs, okay?"
With Bill watching on a CC camera, Godric appears invisibly to Nora and Eric. For a second it seems like Nora will finally, finally pull it together, but no. Lilith appears behind him, covered in gore, and ghost-kills his ghost. Eric and Nora scream! Somebody that is already dead two times over just died! It is actually not that big a deal at all! But even though this shit is bananas and makes no sense, somehow Eric's sadness and freakiness is very moving. Eric magic. Even Bill feels just terrible for him.
GLEEK
Get it? They "went out for Greek" by eating a fraternity house. Now they're dancing in the middle of dead boys while "Teenage Dream" plays. Everything stupid at once.
Russell: "Hey, I am going to stage a tertiary coup from inside the coup we couped. It involves a secret other kind of blood where we can go in the sun for a minute or two."
Newlin: "That sounds rad! I am desperately lonely, also."
Russell: "It's because of your personality."
Russell sucks on Steve's neck, because they are gross. You know how I am obsessed with Being Human US? There was a great thing in the first season where the vampires trying to go dry would suck on each other's blood as a gross little Trainspotting Motel 6 kind of thing. It didn't do any good, they were just addicts. Has this happened before this season? Because Salome and Bill were doing it too and I don't remember it happening before.
MERLOTTE'S
Jessica runs across some anti-vamp racists and Sam immediately pulls a gun on them, because he hates humans now. They talk about maybe letting her eat them, and things get even more intense, and Lafayette pulls out a gun too. Eventually they leave, just as we're throwing fries in their faces and Jason's walking in.
Jason: "Jess! Why are you running around in the middle of a civil war without your Castle Compton compliment of guards?"
Jessica: "Bill stopped paying for them and we don't have a Sherriff worth much. It's probably best, I was going to eat them soon anyway."
Jason: "That's not funny because of that time I shot you in the head. Hey, why are we both randomly here?"
Jessica: "Hoyt has planned just the saddest thing to happen."
Hoyt: "Hey guys. I have a horrible thing to do."
FANGTASIA!
Pam: "The thing about people that come to this bar is, they're gross. I don't want them for my babies."
Tara: "Then I'll do it. You'll be a grandma."
Pam: "Listen, we're not doing what that quote dickhead dipped in afterbirth told us to do."
Tara: "So Elijah gets the bar, the money, and even me? And hey, how come in the history of this show I'm the only vampire that gets treated like chattel? Does this have anything to do with the winky racist shit you keep saying in every scene?"
Pam: "No, it's actually really sweet what I'm about to say, so pay attention. You and me are the only thing that matters. We're family, like with Eric before. The bar is just walls and plaster. You and I can live in the wind."
Tara: "I totally was paying attention. That was awesome that you said that."
BUBBA
Jason: "Bubba, you're moving to Alaska? But everything is so great here in Bon Temps."
Hoyt: "I've become fairly worthless as a character thanks to great old Bon Temps. Trust me, this is the best thing."
J & J: "We're just saying, this is kind of awful that we drove you out of the continental US and yet can barely stand to look at each other."
Hoyt: "Well, if you're not going to be happy for me, at least do me a favor."
The favor is so sad! He wants Jessica to glamour him to forget both of them. The two people that broke his heart.
"I want you gone. Out of my head. I wanna lay down, go to sleep, close my eyes and not dream about you ever again. It's the last thing I'll ever ask of you. Please take this hurt away from me so that I can go on havin' my life. Please."
He's wearing the shirt he was wearing the day they fell in love. In this booth, even. She can't let him down. It's a high point of the whole season. They weep. Pluto's not even a planet anymore, Jason thinks; he watches himself vanish.
"Hoyt Fortenberry, you are... A good, good man. With the biggest heart I've ever known. You were my first love. I'll never forget you. You were Jason's best friend. He won't forget you, either. We're gonna miss you so, so much. But you are not going to miss us. You are gonna go to Alaska and you're gonna start a brand-new life. You're gonna make a whole lot of new friends. You'll forget about Jason. Forget he ever existed. Do you understand? And you're gonna make some girl the luckiest, happiest girl in the world. And she's going to be your first love. Not me. I am fading away and going... Going, till I vanish from your mind. When I tell you, I want you to close your eyes and count to 10. When you open them we'll be gone."
She counts him down. They kiss him goodbye. And when he opens his eyes, they're gone.
SOOKIE
Jason plays with a teddy bear -- flipping its dress up, at one point -- while Sookie talks herself out and packs up, so she can go stay with him. Not sure who needs it more.
Sookie: "You know, in a funny way, it's like Hoyt's forgiven you. He wanted to let it go, he just couldn't do it himself."
Jason: "Mostly it feels like hell. I honestly thought maybe that once we caught the Dragon and saved him, he'd spit up all the crazy and anger from the last couple seasons and we could just all be okay again. We'd find Warlow..."
Sookie: "Ghost Gran is no help at all. Everything is terrible, all the time."
Jason, out of nowhere, pulls up a trapdoor in the floor under Sookie's bed, because he's such a good cop I guess, and finds some ancient scroll. Never a good sign.
MERLOTTE
Sam pretends to be a reporter from Dog Monthly, a magazine he invented so cleverly, to find out where Reverend and his puppy are headed tonight.
Sam: "I fucking hate humans! It's suddenly my entire storyline!"
Luna: "I know, and nobody cares that they kidnapped our daughter to be their puppy."
Sam: "Blast this world of soups! Nobody believes you when you talk about three thousand year old Druids and babies turning into wolves and Nazi drug cults."
Luna: "Hey, isn't he going to debate that old boyfriend of Lafayette's on TV? We should go there, it's even in Louisiana."
Sam: "But we only have several hours to get there! Dang it!"
Luna: "I know. I just wish we had magic powers."
Sam: "That would really help us get there faster. If we had those."
LINGUISTICS PROF
Sookie and Jason take the scroll to the college, where there is book learnin'. But not in this case! That strange language on the scroll is a strange language that isn't on any other scrolls, as far as college knows. It's two hundred years old, or so, and doesn't work like a real regular alphabet but like a weird squiggly list of squiggles. Still, points for at least doing one thing that actually makes sense. I always like it on a vampire or werewolf show or movie when the person googles the word "vampire," or "werewolf," to see what those are.
MERLOTTE'S
Everybody's staying home and cuddling up close these days. The vampires don't bother going out because there's no TruBlood anywhere, and the humans don't bother going out for the same reason plus dying, and so everything is empty all the time. Lafayette serves up some food to Andy and Holly -- Andy's been escorting her home, in the pre-war days lately -- and Lafayette acts gay and then they nuzzle and are cute. This is a great episode and these little texture scenes are a huge part of why. What story does this move forward? None. It's just slices of life, to fill in the places where an ifrit once cavorted.
CASTLE COMPTON
After a few seconds of sad memories, Jessica is interrupted by the Authority. She's not interested in going with the SWAT guys, but they give Jessica some FaceTime with Bill, and even over the phone she can tell he has overcome all levels of douchiness to find a whole new undiscovered realm of being a douche. As her maker, he commands her. And I gotta say that this part I'm pretty interested in, because Jessica's main story -- before she discovered boys, before Bill Compton saved her -- was her cult family that was way into the Bible and locking up their daughters. So now she's right back where she started, because Bill cannot be trusted this season. Isn't that sad?
AUTHORITY
Lafayette's old boyfriend is making a lot of sense these days, now that his entire racist paranoia deal is coming true, so now he seems a lot more righteous than he did when he was just a hateful hypocrite. This season is a little problematic. Steve is totally owning him in the debate itself, so it kind of goes both ways, but still. Once it gets amazing and he starts tossing dog whistles Finch's way about how they're both secret gay Republicans, etc., things switch to Russell mooning over Steve on TV, but screw that.
Authority: "Good thing Eric did drugs again, because he's fine."
Russell: "We really play fast and loose with the membership these days, don't we?"
Eric: "Just because I am close to getting killed at all times and I'm locked in an underground bunker with the craziest people on the planet doesn't mean I still can't fuck with your head."
Russell: "What do you mean?"
Eric: "Just that I've decided to forgive you for killing my whole family that time."
Russell: "We kind of went past that when you fucked and murdered my husband."
Eric: "I know, that's what makes this such a mindfuck to pull on you. Anyway, we're besties now. Lilith says!"
Meanwhile, Sam and Luna run around naked in the green room at Steve's debate, having remembered that they have magic powers, and eventually climb into Steve's man-purse for the quick drive back to the Authority compound. You know what I would notice in my man-purse? Two little white mice squirming around in there. Not Steve, though. Steve is too busy congratulating himself on being a much better Nan Flanagan than Nan ever was.
BUBBA
It's very sad but not on paper, so I'll just tell you what happened. Jason is driving Sookie to his house, where they're both going to wait out this thing and/or involve themselves further in faerie politics, when he sees Hoyt driving in the direction of Alaska. Even though, I think, he knows that messing with a glamour is destructive, he kind of loses control and can't help but try for one last connection with Bubba, so he pulls him over and they have an awkward "didn't we go to high school together" conversation that leaves Jason in one hundred thousand pieces.
Jason: "Do you remember when we -- I mean, when kids -- they used to pretend to go up in space? Start their own planets and shit?"
Bubba: "You used to do that too?"
Jason: "Listen. Don't go, Bubba. I'm beggin' you. This is your home, man. And people love you here..."
Bubba: "Did my mama put you up to this? She's gonna be okay. Anything else?"
Jason: "...You drive safe."
AUTHORITY
Jessica offers to go apeshit the second she arrives at the Authority, but Bill does his best to calm her down. He gives her a little tour, drops little hints -- "I and several others, you might say, were chosen" -- that he lost his goddamn mind, and then starts into this Sanguinista shit about how they're the pinnacle of the et cetera, and finally presents her with a vampire Bible. The vibes of crazy she's been picking up since Bon Temps get very loud, suddenly.
Bill: "We have one of these at our home. It sits unused on a shelf because I thought I knew better. But I read it again with an open mind, and my world is full of wonder and mystery again."
Jessica: "You mean essentially like my crazy Christian family?"
Bill: "Yeah, basically. Anyway, go read that and then join my cult. We'll usher in a newer more horrible world. You and me, and Eric."
Jessica: "Even for me, this is turning out to be a fairly fucked up day."
FANGTASIA!
Tara pretends to have killed Ginger -- Ginger's always game for a ruse, you know -- and calls in the Sherriff to counsel her about it, and he says "ice your clam," like that's a thing a person would say, and then Tara kills Elijah to death. Which is beautiful, because it's not like Pam even meant for Tara to go there, but talking about how they're a family has activated something in Tara where she is now protecting her home. Two things she never had before, along with the power to do something about it.
AUTHORITY
Steve comes home, quite smug, with mice in his man-purse and hair doing that thing it always does but moreso, and then out of nowhere he starts abusing Emma for turning into a little girl, because he likes it better when she's a puppy. I don't even want to get into it, it's super stupid and yucky and I don't know that I entirely understand the point.
Bill: "You guys, I am obsessed on the Book of Lilith now."
Authority: "That's kind of boring, but very Bill that you would go there with this."
Russell: "Meanwhile, taking over the world through something other than curriculum reform. Hey, did you know that faerie blood is a thing?"
Bill & Eric: "...No?"
Russell: "Oh, did you forget that huge thing that's defined my storyline this entire show? Let me remind you that the reason you were supposed to kill me is that we've all drunk from the same faerie. Now, allow me to point out that we can use the Japanese process to synthesize and perfect fae blood, and then everybody could be a daywalker. We just need a few faeries and then maybe we can breed them or something. It's going to be great."
Salome, very orthodox: "We are of the night. The sun is forbidden to us. Fairies are an abomination."
Russell: "No, they are great. Oh, also? I'm taking over now. You know how I'm crazier and stronger than all of you and it was only a matter of time until my crazy ass turned the tables? Well, Eric's little Talbot scene earlier did the trick. Now, I'm going to go find some fairies and if you try and stop me, my Nazi werewolf drug cult will have your ass. We clear?"
Authority: "In retrospect, we could have posited this was probably going to happen."
FAERIELANDE!
Stackhouses: "Anyway, you guys are really old and don't make a bunch of sense, just like this weird language."
Faeries: "It's not in our language, but maybe it's from our other language."
Stackhouses: "Whatever, can you read it?"
Maurella: "I speak both languages, and I can do a neat trick."
Maurella does a neat trick where she makes Harry Potter things happen to the scroll, and then tells them some things. Like, the blood of half-fae John William Stackhouse was, in the year of Our Lord 1702, used to write a contract in vellum that then chugged around under Gran's floorboards for the three hundred years, and it said this:
I, John William Stackhouse, in reference to our binding agreement on this said date, do grant Mr. M. Warlow my first fae-bearing female heir.
Sookie: "Wait, so does this mean I'm 'promised' to this Warlow in some way?"
Claude: "Yes, because Hadley -- who actually gave birth to a faerie son that we all know about and who is sitting in this building right now -- doesn't exist."
Sookie: "Well, it's been almost a full season since I was indebted to some magic soup boyfriend or another. Murphy Brown lied to us!"
WEEK
The eldest faerie does amazing things, Russell gets a full-on buffet, Nora finds new ways to be annoying and Jessica runs all over the place trying to avoid her crazy new family.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads , Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.