grade episode That Darn Salome!

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 2012-06-24 · S05E03

PREVIOUSLY

The investigation into Debbie Pelt's death continues to be second on Sookie's list of problems, with Tara's new incarnation at the top and Russell Edgington's return a distant third. The Authority's investigation into Sanguinista Fundamentalism nearly cost the boys their lives, until they determined to bring in the former King of Mississippi as their last heroic act (closing the final loops on Sookie's faerie secret in the process). Jessica and Jason, for various reasons, are in relationship limbo while Hoyt is losing his shit. Pam's origin story continues to unfold in Eric's absence, Terry and Patrick are on the hunt for their former squadmate, and Vampire Tara is on the loose.

TARA

For a moment it's so wonderful: Like what life is like when you do V, only imagine that your whole self is V. The beauty of the world, the fucking-in-garbage of it, the million more stars she can see. There's a possum, that reminds me of the possum that drowned that time -- way back when demons were things you thought you could get rid of. She comes upon a pretty lady who has just broken a nail because she doesn't know how to fix a tire. You know, because of how women.

Chick: "Hey! Sister, can you give me some help? You seem kinda butch, probably because your boyfriend died and you got raped a million times and became a street-fighting lesbian. Change my tire?"
Tara: "Am I even gay anymore? Was I ever? Perhaps these questions are moot. I am going to suck your blood!"
Chick: "Even though I am politically sympathetic?"
Tara: "Your liberal guilt is a trap that has ensnared you! Feast on my minority entitlement!"

Tara: "Never mind, actually. I just caught my reflection in your car window and I'm not sure so about sucking your blood anymore. I thought I was going to, but then I looked at my life and my choices, so I guess I apologize."
Chick: "Hold up. Vampires can see their reflections now?"
Tara: "Maybe just symbolically. Later! I hope my vicious attack on you doesn't change your political stance on my oppression!"
Chick: "I am going to have to think about that! After I somehow get home and change out of the pants I just shit."

AUTHORITY

Chancellor/Torturer Dieter: "My stance is that King Russell being alive is just as good a reason to kill Bill and Eric!"
Chancellor Candyman: "My stance is that their proposal has merit!"
Chancellor Little Boy: "They are apostates, possibly! It gets iffy because we're orthodox, but not fundamentalist! Which frankly is asking a lot of the audience!"
Chancellors Salome & Candyman: "Eh, fuck it. Let 'em try. Worst case, they all kill each other. Three birds, one PR disaster."

Chancellor Little Boy: "They are apostates, possibly! It gets iffy because we're orthodox, but not fundamentalist! Which frankly is asking a lot of the audience!"
Chancellors Salome & Candyman: "Eh, fuck it. Let 'em try. Worst case, they all kill each other. Three birds, one PR disaster."

Chancellor Dieter: "Except it still looks like we're cool with insubordination by royalty..."
Chancellor Barb: "I'm with Dieter! I support the death penalty as a deterrent, despite all evidence to the contrary! Because I am from Texas!"
Guardian Meloni: "No, you're just politically cutthroat."
Chancellor Barb: "I support assimilation, just like my Maker!"
Guardian: "Without people fucking in the background, worldbuilding like this can be kind of confusing and boring. Especially for people that mainly are here to see Eric and Alcide with no pants on."

Turns out Edgington's a Sanguinista martyr because of his amazing spine-ripping statement against assimilation, which he did for different reasons but in their same language, so now he's the bin Laden.

Guardian: "I just want my agenda to be preserved from this kind of thing, so I'm these boys' de facto main ally. Take them away, and [verbatim] send in the new Nan Flanagan."
Be Steve Newlin be Steve Newlin be Steve Newlin
Steve Newlin: "Bam! My whole storyline just got awesome."

FANGTASIA!

Sookie: "Pam, stop obsessively vamp-zoom texting and do me some favors!"
Pam: "Fuck off, I already spent like ten minutes helping you when I could have been on this futile and obsessive quest to get a response from Eric. Jessica says they're on a business trip, but you and I both know the only thing either of them ever do on this show is about saving your dumb ass."
Sookie: "I broke up with them! Your argument is invalid!"
Pam: "Okay, well, in any case please go away."
Sookie: "I can't do that. I must stomp and demand, you know how I roll. Now just summon Tara as her Maker. Honestly, it's not that much to ask."
Pam: "That's true. But suck my dick nonetheless."

They fight. Pam tosses her ass all around, and then Sookie hand-blasts her with faerie powers, and then Pam yells at all the people in Fangtasia! and it's pathetic and sad. Pam is really getting it in the teeth this year. And considering her Maker is now on a literal suicide mission, it's to be presumed it's only going to get worse.

By Jacob Clifton

MERLOTTE'S

Tara: "Sam? I am covered in my own brain gore and looking a mess."
Sam: "Well, that's to be expected. Come on inside."
Tara: "PS, I am a vampire."
Sam: "I just want a storyline that doesn't involve me being a human doormat for the most boring people ever imagined. That's all I'm fucking asking for."

AUTHORITY

Guardian: "Thing is, the old Steve Newlin said on CNN that Russell was dead..."
Steve: "He still could be. Maybe this is just an Elvis thing. Let me tell you about the Christian Right, which is my subject of expertise and therefore the only kind of Americans I think exist. They are white and they are afraid. They will believe anything you tell them to believe, as long as it supports their privilege and bigoted paranoia. Just tell me what you want them to think, and I will spin it."
Guardian: "Please don't tell me about the nature of things. You've been a vampire for a hot minute."
Steve: "I'm just saying, I was better than most of them before I died -- which is why I started an entire megachurch for my own glory -- and I'm better than them now."

The Guardian grabs Steve Newlin by his wonderful face!

Guardian: "We don't talk mean about humanity. They are our ancestors, and we revere them. It's all the more necessary because they're obsolete. You think I'm mainstreaming because I want to be accepted by the majority? Hell no, it's because we scare the shit out of them and they are going to come kill all of us. We have magic powers, buddy, but they have the numbers. You're looking at civil war. And if the poster boy for that conflict is back from the dead, all your Frank Luntz double-talk won't mean a thing. I need you on the ball right now."
Steve: "Okay but can I go watch Bill and Eric get put in their leather sex harnesses?"
Guardian: "No you may not."
Steve: "Cool, I'm mostly into humans anyway. And straight guys."

THE LAB

Majorino: "Bill and Eric, please remove your shirts. For science reasons."

There is a kind of cute/kind of unbearable digression at this point into Weeds-type dad humor about "this is an iStake, there's an app for that, these kids today" and it's just mortifying for those of under one hundred years of age, but the basic point is that they are fitted with these black leather harnesses -- of the sort one might find on a gay man in 1979 -- which operate basically like alcohol monitors, and will kill them through the heart if they don't follow directions.

SOOKIE

Sookie: "Where else can we look? Merlotte's? Lettie Mae's?"
Lafayette: "Merlotte's is closed [So?] and if she went to her mom's, that bitch is 100 percent dead already. And anyway, what's to be said? Sorry I turned your daughter into a vampire that might also be brain damaged, but hopefully you'll think twice before abusing her like usual."
Sookie: "I predict that by episode, everybody will know what we did to Tara, and I will be getting shit on like it's Season One all over again."
Lafayette: "Also, we still need to be worried for some reason about your self-defense against that drug addict that brought a gun here and killed your best friend. Of all the ludicrous shit on this show, that being the most ludicrous."
Sookie: "Just keep saying it and people will stop questioning how dumb it is. Now, let's impotently worry about Tara going to ground before sunrise."

MERLOTTE'S

Tara: "Keep giving me Tru Bloods!"
Sam: "No problem, here they all are. Listen, can I call Sookie or Lafayette? Seems like they'd be worried about you, and I mean, you're not talking to me about whatever shit has gone down already."
Tara: "No. I am quite angry at them. Oh, and now I'm passing out for some reason."
Sam: "Other People's Problems. I am down with them."

BTPDHQ

Andy: "Good morning, employees!"
Kevin & Rosie: "Good morning, deceptively firm sheriff whose naked ass we've been looking at on the Facebook."
Andy: "Those darn kids with their Facebook!"
Kevin & Rosie: "There's an app for that! It is 2001 right now!"

The Pelts: "Andy, do you want a storyline that is about something other than your hot naked ass, your witch girlfriend, or your faerie one-night-stand, or your drug addiction?"
Andy: "Yes, please."
The Pelts: "Too bad! Now go act shitty to everybody for a while, as a distraction, without ever finding a single clue about our stupid dead daughter."

GROSSSSSSSERY STORE

Jason seduces the teacher that fucked him when he was a child, thereby explaining where his healthy interest in sex came from. Because after the nonsense blowback last year from the male-privileged and sheltered internet about how women raping men is the same exact thing as men raping anybody -- because arguing that men and women are socially and physically interchangeable is the best thing to reserving your outrage for the real world -- what the show needed to do was double down.

By Jacob Clifton

GROSSSSSSSERY STORE

Groc PA: "Pop Psychology Sex-Negative Bullshit on Aisle 12!"
Jason: "Fucking you will give me an epiphany about my sexual dysfunction that ever actually existed until now, and then when I toss you aside like garbage it won't matter, because you're a pedophile. This whole thing is so fucking charming and meaningful. Especially in the middle of this gross storyline where Steve Newlin deserves punishment for the simple act of desiring me."
Lady: "I played fucking Anna Draper on Mad Men, you know. One of the most beautiful and subtle characters and storylines in all of TV. I really deserve better than being one more prop in this ongoing, hateful, retrograde joke about how people who enjoy sex deserve violation, or a diagnosis."
Jason: "Just think of yourself as a werepanther, and my dick as a problem."

MERLOTTE'S KITCHEN

Terry: "Arlene, I'm going to go solve this Iraq mystery so our house won't burn down again."
Arlene: "I want a divorce!"
Terry: "You are still the Worst."

Lafayette: "Arlene, have you seen Tara? She died."
Arlene: "I am too busy throwing a shit fit about nothing right now!"
Lafayette: "Okay. Just look out for her, because you're a total racist and it would be amazing if Tara murdered you."

SAM'S OFC

Sookie: "Hey, Sam. Have you seen Tara? She died."
Sam: "No, not at all. Except for how you're psychic... Um, boobs boobs. Only boobs. And Tara is in the walk-in freezer. Aw, damn."
Sookie: "Oh, okay. Listen, is she okay?"
Sam: "No? She's a vampire? And I got the impression that was because of you and Lafayette."
Sookie: "Please don't get judgmental on me about that. You know, like how you enjoy doing about everything that ever happens. Also, I can't tell you details because of how it led to me murdering another somebody."
Sam: "Actually, when Tommy died I kind of rethought some shit and I see where y'all were coming from. I'd say that, desperation and guilt aside, you gave her a kind of life that she can do with whatever she likes."
Sookie: "For telling me I'm right, you are granted one hug. You can even think about boobs while I do it."

Sookie: "Focus. She's dead, she's not going to get hypothermia. Anyway, just keep people out of the freezer."
Lafayette: "This could end badly."
Sookie: "Unlike everything else that happens on this show, I think we will not fuck this up."

SF 1905

Eric: "Can we talk?"
Pamela: "About my ladies? Also, words like chink, because we're old-timey racists at this whorehouse."
Eric: "No, I'm here to talk to you."
Pamela: "I'm not a regular hooker, I'm a madam. Wait, does this have to do with how vampires keep eating my prostitutes?"

UPSTAIRS

Hooker upstairs: "I am just a blood bag. My life is meaningless."
Lorena: "Good little whore. Now say Drain me, Daddy. Drain me till I'm dead."
Hooker: "Drain me Daddy. Drain me till I'm dead..."
Pamela: "You guys better cut this psycho kink shit out. Right now! It's not even original, it's just gross."
Eric: "Seriously, you guys are so dorky. It's like you are trying to get off by thinking of the weirdest shit you can. Sex isn't something you do to impress people."

Vampire fight!

Lorena: "I got raped so I'm weird, remember?"
Bill: "And Ah don't know what the hell is ever going on."
Eric: "Lorena, your progeny is ludicrous. Now get out of here."
Pamela: "Also, give me some money!"
A Deferential Lorena: "Okay, sorry. We're just dorks."
Sassy Bill: "Ah'm not sorry! Ah just need a dumb reason to be mad at you in a hundred years. But for being a dork, Ah will never apologize."

Pamela: "Thanks for chasing off those other vampires, vampire. Now, about that sex you said we were going to have."

HOT 4 TEACHER

Anna Draper: "Did I fuck you up permanently by molesting you?"
Jason: "Apparently, yes. I have commitment issues and my exuberant sexuality can be destructive. I'm kind of the Brenda Chenowith."
Anna Draper: "Sorry if I caused any of that."
Jason: "It's okay, do you want to have sex? I am kind of in a place."
Anna Draper: "What's the situation down there? Hardwoods or shag? A lot rides on your answer, because I am a pedophile."

By Jacob Clifton

HOT 4 TEACHER

Jason: "What's so gross about this is that the episode is titled 'Whatever I Am, You Made Me.' Meaning that your predatory sexuality gave me the burden of choosing whether or not I continue the cycle of abuse. And apparently getting molested as a child is just as bad as having sex with people's moms."
Anna Draper: "What a turn-on all of this is. I simply cannot control myself."
Jason: "Compulsive sexual addiction can be like that sometimes. Roll with it."

HERVEAUX

Pelts: "Where is our daughter?"
Alcide: "I have no idea. I Abjured her, werewolf-style."
Pelts: "That's a fine thing to do to our daughter!"
Alcide: "Keep yelling at me if you want, because I don't know anything. Also, she fucked Marcus Boseman. The grossest person in the universe. At least Cooter was hot, but the Marcus thing just makes me look real bad."
Pelts: "Grr! But also, please help us."

MERLOTTE'S

Andy: "So Sookie, are you fucking Alcide and that's why Debbie is dead?"
Sookie: "I don't know how you would possibly ask me about that other than being a fictional character in a storyline about my homicide cover-up, but listen, she was a crazy bitch and on V."
Andy: "I resemble that remark."
Sookie: "Are you going to charge me with something? Arrest me for thinking a bitch is a bitch? Or is the plan just to keep treating me like you used to do Jason?"

Truly, it is Sookie's best moment in a long time. Credit where it's due, etc.

OUTSIDE

Andy: "Can I question you about Debbie Pelt? Just kidding, have you seen these pictures of my ass?"
Holly: "There's an app for that? I am going to impotently single-mother those kids of mine so hard when I get 'home' from my million jobs!"
Andy: "Right, because this episode takes place in 2009. Anyway, will you be my girlfriend?"
Holly: "You realize I'm a witch, right? My kids are delinquents? I live in a motel?"
Andy: "Well, I live with my grandma, and I'm an alcoholic, and a recovering V addict, and the laughingstock of the Renard Parish Sheriff's Department."

By Jacob Clifton

Expectations: Lowered all around.

GROSS JASON STUFF

Jason: "Whoa, returning to the origin of my sexual dysfunction did not make me feel better!"
Anna Draper: "I deserve nothing in this life. Women are always such sexual predators all the time, it's simply unconscionable. Women and gay dudes, watch out for them."
Jason: "Okay, I have to go be disgusted with myself now."
Anna Draper: "I probably should have told you that victims of sexual assault never heal and will always be walking wounds, spreading the taint of their abuse, until they either commit suicide or become sex workers. Those are the only options for people in your situation."
Jason: "Man, if you'd told me that I never would have gotten molested by you! What a freakin' bummer."

COMPTON & SALOME

Bill: "So wait, are you the real Salome? Like from the Human Bible?"
Salome: "I was the subject of a sexist rewriting of history. My mother whored me out to John the Baptist because he got political about her divorcée status. It was weird."
Bill: "So why are you all over my ass right now?"
Salome: "Pay no attention to my transparent agenda! Now we are fucking!"
Bill: "Okay, I will fuck you. But Ah am not quite the idiot that you think Ah am."
Salome: "We'll see about that, I guess."

TRACY'S TOGS (NÉE TARA'S TOGS)

Tracy, presumably: "Jessica, you look great in that dress! I'm just so happy I keep vampire hours now, you people spend money like crazy."
Jessica: "Thanks! I like shopping."
Tracy: "Hey listen, are you fucking Jason Stackhouse? Because he is bad news. I think it has to do with him being permanently ruined by sexual assault as a youngster."
Jessica: "Or else you're just trying to make me feel shitty by implying that you slept with him."
Tracy: "Or that. Mostly I just wanted the thrill of playing Mean Girl bullshit games on a vampire that could kill me at any time."
Jessica: "Well, I'm a little old for that high school shit, but at least you pissed me off by talking shit about my friend."
Tracy: "I guess that's something."
Jessica: "It doesn't take much to feel validated when you're a bitch, huh? Now wrap up my purchases."

By Jacob Clifton

Claude 2.0: "Can I get those garter belts I ordered for my sixteen faerie sisters?"
Jessica: "YOU SMELL DELICIOUS!"

Jess comes running out, Claude flees, and she chases him all the way to the place where the real world fades into Faerieland. Her joy is delirious and beautiful. She does a little dance, just smelling the smells of faerie, until it fades. Something new in the world!

FANGTASIA!

Pam: "Is that Hoyt Fortenberry I see? Dressed like a pretend-bisexual goth from the '90s? Why are you here fangbanging, aren't you Jessica's?"
Hoyt: "Have you ever heard of a man named Riley Finn?"
Pam: "Look, far be it from me, but you've got the eyeliner working, and this fog of desperation... I think it will not go well for you in my club."
Hoyt: "I just want to bang some fangs, ma'am. If that ends up killing me or Gingerfying my brain, well, I am already halfway to crazy as it is."
Pam: "That reminds me of that flashback I keep having."

SF 1905

Pamela: "That was some good sex. How about you turn me into a vampire so I can have magic powers and not be subject to the cruel iniquities of gender?"
Eric: "Seems like being a ho is pretty fun."
Pamela: "It is not it's all cracked up to be. Come on, whattaya say?"
Eric: "I'm not ready for parenthood."
Pamela: "So just do it and skedaddle. I'll pick it up as I go along. I'm a survivor."
Eric: "Doesn't work like that. It's more like marriage, forever."
Pamela: "I got an idea. Hold that thought."

She cuts her shit open and starts shooting blood everywhere, which even Eric finds unsettling. So I guess the whole stalker-obsession deal she's always had with old Eric isn't entirely a Maker thing after all, huh?

NORTHMAN & SALOME

Salome: "Stop being all respectful, I know you think everything is stupid."
Eric: "I usually keep that a secret."
Salome: "Hey, did you know I know that Nora's your sister?"
Eric: "No, but that opens up about ten other cans of worms."
Salome: "Godric was really fantastic, wasn't he? Until he took mainstreaming too far and then committed suicide that time."
Eric: "That was the best episode, even now."
Salome: "He loved you the most."
Eric: "Few things would actually get to me, but that does. Which is especially touching considering how blatant you are being."

By Jacob Clifton

THE WALK-IN FREEZER

Arlene: "Hello, is anybody in here?"
Tara: "Just me, eating your horrible ass so we never have to deal with you again!"

BUT IT WAS JUST A DREAM. A WONDERFUL DREAM.

Lafayette: "Hooker, drink this Tru Blood. Also, good morning."
Tara: "I don't want your Tru Blood! I am still very mad at you!"

Alcide: "Sookie, it seems more and more like you killed Debbie Pelt."
Sookie: "Then I am going to act petulant!"

The whole Tara thing crashes into the other things that are going on, and now everybody is at the Crazy Tara party, like usual. Arlene hides behind Alcide while Tara's going nuts, Sookie grins wildly as usual, and mostly everybody is just happy to learn that Tara is not really fucktarded after all.

Sookie: "Hey, Tara! Why are you sleepin' in a walk-in freezer?"
Tara: "Fuckin'... Are you kidding me right now?"
Sookie: "No, I'm just happy to see you. And how you can talk like a normal person."
Sam: "If I might involve myself in this situation..."
Everybody: "Fuck off, Sam!"
Tara: "For right now, I just really want to murder everybody. Especially Sookie and Lafayette. So I would really appreciate some support while I try not doing that, okay?"
Everybody: "We get where you are coming from!"

THE BOYS

Bill: "I don't know exactly how to say this, but I fucked Salome."
Eric: "In a comedic turn of events, I also fucked Salome."
Boys: "That darn Salome!"

GUARDIAN'S QUARTERS

Guardian: "So you fucked everybody, huh?"
Salome: "Enough to know they're not Sanguinistas. Compton is desperate for something to believe in, and a Hope & Change assimilationist par excellence, while Eric just thinks everything is stupid."
Guardian: "That's good news. Oh, Nora confessed. So that kinda sucks."
Salome: "Roman, your dismissal of the Vampire Bible, your focus on mainstreaming above all else, has divided vampires everywhere. Perhaps it's time to consider a change of course..."
Roman: "When you say things like that, it makes you obviously a Sanguinista."
Salome: "No, I'm just having theories."
Roman: "I am the Martin Luther King, Jr. of vampires. The JFK."
Salome: "Setting aside how stupid that is to even say out loud, it's also kind of my point. They didn't exactly live long enough to enjoy the worlds they helped build."
Roman: "So what if a terrorist movement is going to assassinate me? Besides, you're my very trustworthy secret weapon. Now let's have sex without you even taking a nominal shower after the two other times you had sex a minute ago."

I'm not one of those who gets pissed whenever there's a new creature, or character, or a regular person turns magical, but I do like how it's falling out this year, between people with scary powers and people with scary multiple personalities. After a certain amount of growing up, it stops being about accepting your shadow's existence and starts being about negotiating with it. Sookie's got the murder-faerie thing, Lafayette has monster face, Jason has somehow become the sexual equivalent of "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas" without even having panther magic, and now all these baby vampires...

I dunno, it makes sense to me. At some point you stop doing the origin story and move into the Now What. And the Now What, always, is about recognizing just how much control you have over your world. How every step makes ripples, no matter who you are; how your choices define you. It's so much easier to pretend you're powerless, I guess.

OUTSIDE

Sookie: "So okay, I killed Debbie. She shot Tara, and I just kind of blew her head off."
Alcide: "Thanks for telling me. I'm going to need a minute to chill out."
Sookie: "Okay, because I really need you to tell me everything is fine."
Alcide: "I am still a werewolf, Stackhouse. You gotta make allowances."
Sookie: "I mean, just let me off the hook and we can just be cool."
Alcide: "Okay. I'm going to go now."
Sookie: "I mean, she was kind of a bitch."
Alcide: "Sookie, good Lord! I'm going to eat your face off here. Okay, just... I'll call you tomorrow."
Sookie: "Cool, as long as you tell me we're all good."
Alcide: "I probably fucking will, too."

CURL UP & FRY

Tara heads to the first tanning salon she can find, and straps herself in for a good old-fashioned UV rotisserie. As usual, big ups to Rutina Wesley for actually selling this entire episode. She's so dignified and real, even when she's being ridiculous. Even when she's being super silly like this. Or, for another viewpoint:

Maker Pam, doing the Fangtasia! books: "...You stupid bitch."

WEEK

The faerie influx heralded by Claude's arrival begins, with some surprising castmembers involved; Terry and Patrick find their scary buddy and get to the bottom of things; everybody is absolutely shitty to Sookie. And remember the math: Episode 4 is always when everything flips over. So whatever you're bored by now, don't worry about it. Whole new show coming up.

By Jacob Clifton

CURL UP & FRY

Maker Pam, doing the Fangtasia! books: "...You stupid bitch."

WEEK

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.