The New Shape Of Myself

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 06-17-2012 · S05E02

Well, I was wrong as usual. That was totally awesome.

Pam ditches Sookie and Lafayette for some futile Eric-searching and a little flashback action: Turns out she was turned during a rash of vampire attacks on her whorehouse in 1905 San Francisco. Not a lot of plot, but it seems like it's going somewhere. Meanwhile in real life, Tara's feral creepiness sends Sookie to an anti-vampire supply shop and Lafayette into a close call with taking his cousin out once and for all. But just when Sookie's got them consigned to a lifetime of taking care of Tara in her new, subhuman state, Tara gets somewhat back to normal, announces she'll never forgive them, and sprints off into the night.

Steve Newlin takes to the airwaves bringing a message of vampire peace, but -- somewhat to Jason's hilarious dismay -- still in the closet on the gay thing. An Indecent Proposal situation develops between Steve and Jessica that eventually devolves into hair-pulling and pissiness all around, but it's nice to know there's at least one other factor going on, regardless of how pathetic Steve continues to be. Some excellent moments with Jason and Andy otherwise, but nothing much like a plotpoint to report.

Oh, they found Debbie's abandoned car, which -- combined with her parents' appearance week -- would seem to suggest more Alcide in our future. Sam and Luna have a bad fight about Emma's future once they're visited by Marcus's mother Martha, who -- cannibalism aside -- appears to be a class act on the (book version) Calvin Norris model. What seemed like campy stuntcasting last week, to me at least, is now one of the most promising aspects of the season's story.

Just as excellent as Jess's return to form, though, is Arlene's abrupt transition to serious greatness. A feint towards "supernatural PTSD metaphor" in the Terry storyline, while worrying, may just be a detour on the way to wherever we're going, but that destination seems increasingly to involve just the kind of human rights violations you probably already imagined. Arlene makes an impressive effort to get to the bottom of things, and eventually inspires Patrick and Terry to go looking for their missing squadmate.

But of course, the majority of the episode is given over to the scenery-chewing onslaught of Chris Meloni, as the Guardian (head of the Authority) and the rogue's gallery of character actors that serve as his council. We get a little background on the assimilation movement (as well as the -- this is fucking cringeworthy -- "Sanguinista" opposition) and vampire religion that's at least as multivalent and surprising, politically, as anything from S1.

Seems Nora might be a member of this fundamentalist terrorist sect, which like any fundamentalist group believes in the literal and concrete truth of its scripture: In this case the vampire Bible, in which Adam and Eve were created by God, a vampire, as food. A thorny and intelligent set of metaphors that will most likely fly right over a decent set of heads, but whatever. It's fun, and it means Bill and Eric (as assimilationists themselves) are automatically allied with the Authority despite having killed Nan.

But it's not political or philosophical agreements that save our boys from the True Death: Just some brilliant Pascal's Wager work while being tortured, and then the news that Russell Edgington is still at large. Offering himself and his Sherriff as bait, Bill does what's necessary to make sure Sookie -- and her secret -- are safe. Of course.

A brilliant first half, edging into sci-fi territory in a pretty neat way on the one hand and Tara's development on the other (she spends her first night of existence rocketing around the house, screaming, crashing into walls, headbutting everybody and injuring herself, so pretty much ... just like when she was alive), some duller plot moments, and then a strong finish: I gotta say, I haven't been this excited about the show in years. I hoped I was wrong, but I didn't think I'd be this wrong. Thank goodness!

Week: Barry's back, Tara's on the hunt, Hoyt's a fangbanger, Debbie's parents come looking for her, and Russell is coming.

PREVIOUSLY

The Reverend Steven Newlin maybe had an agenda or maybe just went crazy after he came out as a gay vampire; Jason loves Jessica and she might be in love with him, but much like Hoyt she is still very unsettled by the whole thing. Bill and Eric have been kidnapped by the Authority several times at this point; they've been joined in custody by Eric's sister/lover Nora, who is a real piece of work. Terry's house may have burned down because of something magical having to do with Scott Foley and/or Iraq. Sam did his best to get murdered by Alcide's Pack, but in the end he was saved from his own stupidity by Luna, and they all watched the Pack eat Marcus's body and it was gross. Russell Edgington is at large and coming after Sookie, who dumped every one of her boyfriends before being attacked by her formerly living BFF Tara, who's been turned into a vampire by Pam in return for future favors, at Lafayette's firm request.

THE YARD

Tara: "Nom! Nom!"
Sookie: "Oh no, a vampire!"
Lafayette, verbatim: "Tara! That is Sookie, you is killing her!"

Pam finally swings into action after a few minutes of laughter at this whole goat rodeo, and chokes Tara out for awhile before ordering her, Makerwise, to stop eating her friends and relatives. She shoves Tara into the house, tells her to stay there, and takes off. Presumably to find Eric so she can laugh some more.

Frankly, though, she shoulda stuck around: Nothing funnier than watching Tara's vamp-zooming, careening, headbutting free-for-all inside the house. Lafayette and Sookie stare, the humor lost on them for now. And, of course, the irony: Watching Tara crashing into walls at top speed no matter how much it hurts her is pretty much a supercut of her entire pre-death storyline over the past four years.

AUTHORITY HQ

Vampire and presumably Biblical Salome, who seems to be the new Darth Vader of things, welcomes Nora -- who's under arrest, remember, along with the boys -- back home. Maybe they are lovers? That would be so Nora.

Salome: "Dahlink."
Nora: "Sorry about kidnapping the King and Sherriff during their kidnapping! But don't think of it as treason!"
Salome: "I do think of it as treason. Also, Eric is really tall."
Eric: "Not to mention snotty."
Nora: "Back to me!"
Salome: "Nah."

All three prisoners are hustled through the building, which is I guess in New Orleans, to wherever bad vampires are taken.

By Jacob Clifton

For later: "Ambassador Cole, please report to Exsanguination Chamber #6..."

While the Guardian -- Chris Meloni -- is being advised of their arrival, the trio is tossed into silver-lined, brightly lit cells that are like something out of a wonderful sci-fi movie, which is what it's about to turn into.

WEREWOLF BAR MITZVAH

Alcide: "No thank you. No corpse for me, thanks."
Wolves: "You think you're better'n us!"
Uh: Yeah?
Pack: "So why not fuck off back to Mississippi, pussy?"

There's lots of white trash werewolf posturing, which I guess is a pretty good parallel to pack stuff? With no alpha the center doesn't hold?

Martha: "My son was not perfect, but he deserves respect."
Alcide: "Wrong!"
Pack: "You murdered the Packmaster. As new master of this pack, it is your obligation to eat..."
Alcide: "Things I am not interested in include being your new Packmaster, and eating the old one. Those two are currently the top of the list. I suggest you find somebody who doesn't think your entire tradition and law are irrelevant. And I say this as somebody who was tangentially involved in the Mississippi Pack, who were like a million times grosser than you and were all in a drug cult."

Luna and Alcide gather up the pieces of Sam and skedaddle; the wolves continue to eat Marcus. It's gross, but you're numb at this point, so maybe it's just interesting. Can't Sam be a human-shifter already? I get that's Dark Side stuff and it would ruin him even more than running around being an idiot is already doing, but I always thought it would be so funny for a human shifter to be like, "And for my trick, I will assume the shape of myself ... from yesterday, before y'all beat my ass. Loophole, bitches!"

CAMP BELLEFLEUR

Terry hallucinates a standard human rights violation -- burning a building or a village or something in Iraq, and not seemingly in a sanctioned way -- standing over Arlene with the very real hint of Ambien-zombie violence in the air. Arlene deals with this with a certain amount of aplomb, but can't quite rouse him; "I'm tired," he blurts, and then falls face-first onto the bed, stiff as a board, all one very sleepy movement. The question with this show is always, "Does anybody ever get fixed? Is that a possibility?" and increasingly it's like, "Not even Maxine Fortenberry and Tommy Merlotte could fix each other, and they were created basically to do that, so I guess not." But Terry. If anybody deserves a miracle, if this show could possibly bear that with anybody, it's him.

TARA

Is still doing it right, clanging off shit and throwing refrigerators and making Sookie and Lafayette squeal and clutch at each other. Eventually she hunkers down on the sink, looking majestically crazy, crouched and staring with a hungry and unfocused eye. They tempt her with a Tru Blood; when she tackles Lafayette and tries to bite him, the Maker bond makes her scream in pain and frustration and hunger, snatching at her hair and turning her face up to the sky.

Even the most Tara-hating person has always given Rutina Wesley her props for being a magnificent actress, but I gotta say. If you showed up to work and were like, "Here's what you're doing today: You're a feral vampire who may or may not have a literal brain in your vampire head, but you're gorgeous and a mountain lion, and then you have to bite your cousin and best friend, but you can't, which makes you sad but also you are the embodiment of rage," I doubt any of us would do it with this much confidence, much less skill. What I mean is, it's somehow actually believable. You actually believe you're seeing a vampire freak out about some very complicated shit -- and also that it's Tara, fundamentally, regardless of what she's lost. What else she's lost.

FANGTASIA!

Ginger, looking bonks of course: "Pam, where ya been? I had to open alone. Is Eric back? Did he call? Why are you all dirty?"
Pam: "I was in the ground. What's your excuse?"
Ginger: "My excuse is mental illness, as usual."

San Francisco, 1905. Pam, wearing petticoats and the like, hung out in the parlor of a whorehouse (hers?) and ate lobster and did coke for awhile, before heading upstairs to check on one of the girls. Whom, it turned out, had been ripped all up by vampires in one of the rooms upstairs. "God damn them," she choked out, in fearful and outraged tears. So I guess this is one of those vampire infestations that happen so rarely and yet so often.

"Eric, if you're mad at me, fine. I can deal. But you can't just vanish. We have a business to run."

For what it's worth, she seems a lot less desperate than she did, suddenly. Maybe she's just tired. She's had quite a day, old Pam.

VAMPIRE JAIL

Nora, Bill and Eric are in a sequence of cages with presumably silver mesh for bars, and then down at the end there's a burned-face critter named Nigel Beckford, a nurse practitioner who wouldn't quit eating newborns in the maternity ward at his hospital. He seems -- "So succulent!" -- unapologetic about this quirk.

By Jacob Clifton

VAMPIRE JAIL

Bill: "To whom it concerns, Ah must humbly explain that Ah am the mastermind of my own kidnapping. Chancellor Gainsborough and my Sherriff were my prisoners, or something."
Disembodied Voice: "Stop lying about everything all the time!"

They turn on pretty UV lights in the ceilings of the cells, causing a lot of screams from all four prisoners and fairly hilarious scramble to cover up their skin with their clothes. Eric trying to pull his jacket up over his head -- while also hiding his forearms and not touching himself anywhere -- is particularly ungainly. Mostly it's just so sparkly and pretty, like a video game about a science facility where things take place that shouldn't. Needless to say, the aesthestics go right over Bill's head.

LUNA

Is treating Sam's wounds when Martha shows up, knocking on the door and catching hell from them both. It's a time of mourning, don't forget: It's natural that she'd want to see her dead son's daughter. Just as soon, of course, as she'd finished off eating his corpse.

Luna: "Fuck right on out of here, thanks."
Martha: "I am really sad and I feel alone. Let me see my granddaughter."
Luna: "She'll have nothing further to do with you. Shifters are crazy enough."
Martha: "She's not a shifter, I can tell."
Luna, verbatim: "Fuck what you feel."

Martha's pretty affectionate about Luna's temper, even now; she begs Luna not to cut her off and pretty much promises she'll be back. There's something about her, a quiet dignity, that made me start thinking about Calvin Norris and how much I loved him and how wrong the show did him... And then just as she's going, she politely apologizes to Sam for their part in his (richly deserved, self-inflicted) wounds. And that's when I decided that probably Martha Bozeman is the show's version of Calvin Norris. At least, the things about him that I loved.

Luna: "That bitch has to be out of her mind..."
Sam: "Hey, I just figured out a way to be even more annoying! I'm going to take Martha's side."
Luna: "Jesus Christ, learn to read a room already. Now is not the time. Also, I'm still not quite done processing the fact that my husband's people were apparently cannibals."
Sam: "I'm not done being ridiculous yet. Now I'm going to pretend that we're raising Emma together, and start lecturing you about the right way to raise your daughter that I just met like five seconds ago."
Luna: "Oh, okay. When you get dumped, that's why."
Sam: "When I get..."
Luna: "Yeah, you're out of here. Nice knowing you."

Luna: "Oh, okay. When you get dumped, that's why."
Sam: "When I get..."
Luna: "Yeah, you're out of here. Nice knowing you."

I like the actor that plays Sam, a lot, and I have come to appreciate Luna more than I ever thought possible, just as a character, but good Lord! It can't just be that I miss Tommy, there's got to be more to it than that. I hope there's a twist soon, because these bitches are boring!

TARA

The sun's coming up, and Tara's still just ramming around the house, bouncing off shit and growling and screaming and horribly unable to bite Lafayette and Sookie. He bravely heads into Tara's bedroom with a giant-ass knife and cuts himself, deep, so that she can feed without biting him (per orders), and then Sookie jumps out with silver chains so they can safely get Tara into the cubby where she won't hurt herself. They really sell the ongoing desperation and exhaustion and resentment-cum-tenderness of the whole process, even as she's smoking and struggling and screaming. Far be it from me to suggest compassion for Tara Thornton, at any time, but it's actually pretty effective how horrible this whole ordeal is turning out for all three of them.

There is never going to be peace for Tara. Not even in death. But every year there's still that hope, that somehow she'll make peace with the storm inside. She's such a neat person to be so obscured by all this wildness and pain, and if anything I would say this transition this year is less about heaping yet more indignities on her so much as healing the damage the last three seasons have done.

She's always been so powerful, for being in such powerless situations -- captive of demons, puppet of a goddess, tortured so graphically and helplessly in Mississippi, reluctant witch -- that a return to her original amount of craziness is probably only possible if she has enough superpowers to protect herself from outside stuff and assume some agency. I mean, she's gonna be just as crazy regardless of whether or not she's brainwashed. You know?

PATROL

Before they come upon Debbie Pelt's abandoned van, Andy asks Jason for some advice. Seems Holly's a little too overwhelmed to be attentive to his puppydog needs, what with being homeless and her recent witch troubles, and he wonders if there's anything he can do. Jason advises him that ladies acting standoffish is a good sign, romantically, which is counterintuitive until you remember that he's going through the exact same thing with Jessica, and then you can see where his ebullience on this matter is coming from.

By Jacob Clifton

PATROL

Andy: "But you were saying the other day, about your vampire lady friend?"
Jason: "We're... Keepin' it casual. Which is fine."

They find the registration, and Jason actually remembers a fair amount of useful info about poor old Debbie -- "She's Alcide's girlfriend, in Shreveport; Sookie said she's batshit crazy" -- but it's for naught: Andy finds her vial of V, and gets very addict-y for a second. In the end, he hands the vial over to Jason, who nods proudly. It was kind of neat: Right before he does it, he sort of nods to himself, and I said, "Good man, Andy Bellefleur." And Jason's every bit as proud of him, as he opens the bottle and pours it out on the ground: "Good man."

On the other hand, that really could have helped with Sookie's eventual murder trial, but they have no way of knowing that, and maybe saved the vial anyway. Just something to think about for later.

THE STAKE HOUSE

The guy who runs this place -- a vampire supply store, like a gun store but with garlic pea-shooters and a million other cute merchandising ideas that must have made this set a perfect dream to decorate and film in -- is watching Newlin's (first?) big interview when Sookie comes in for anti-Tara (-Russell?) supplies. He sets her up with a silver-spray boobytrap for the front door, and then psychically wonders if she'd fuck him thanks to his awesome crossbow. Short answer, no, long answer, hell no. Mainly, this scene is interesting because his feelings are so hurt by Newlin's abrupt turnaround -- after all, he's a small business owner whose zealotry Newlin stoked and represented -- and because Sookie being in a place like this evokes so many feelings for you and for her.

MERLOTTE'S

Terry's flipping out -- nothing new there, especially on days he's working alone -- but when Arlene surprises him (after a possibly coincidental, possibly pyrokinetic flareup on the stove), he hurls her across the kitchen, which is new. To her credit -- and I'll give it where it's due, Arlene is awesome in this episode -- she immediately puts this latest outrage in context, and determines to pay Patrick a visit if Terry won't tell her what's going on. I am withholding judgment on the "supernatural PTSD" metaphor, because I think it's kinda gross, but there's so much about this that we don't know yet that I am fairly confident it could turn out okay.

TARA

Sookie overhears Lafayette giving himself quite the epic pep talk, down in the Eric Northman Cubby Suite, about how he should probably go ahead and off Tara while it's daytime. I sort of underestimated and underreported his agency in the conversation last week, but rewatching last episode after seeing this one clarified the arc a little more for me: They're both accountable for Tara's fate, but Lafayette was definitely the main person. Sookie was horrified for a second when he suggested, and it was clear that he was doing it solely out of freak desperation, which is why -- thirty-six hours later -- it makes sense for him to have had a change of heart.

Sookie: "Lafayette, don't!"
Lafayette: "I turned her into the thing she hates most..."
Sookie: "Duh, that's always going to be Tara Thornton, more than vampires. She once hated herself so much she became an entirely other person. Actually three times that has happened. Every season, in fact. Before Tommy Mickens Merlotte, we had Tara. Don't sweat it."
Lafayette: "What if she doesn't come back?"
Sookie: "Well, that's not a given. Jessica took a second. And even if she doesn't, we're her family. We can take care of her."

Which also gave me pause, I won't lie. That's a very scary idea to be flirting with, this "feral vampire as dementia patient" thing. But I really don't think that's where it's headed, so you can just look at this as symbolic of their love for her, that they'd commit to doing that instead of putting her down. But man, for a second I got way icked.

BTPD

Behind the desk, Jason's snacking on PopChips and watching Steve Newlin getting interviewed, and Ryan Kwanten is such an amazing actor that you can actually track what's going on in Jason's head based merely on the way he's sitting and by how quickly he's chewing.

By Jacob Clifton

BTPD

Newlin: "...I used to believe that I had found the Light, but I realized that I've only just now found God's true light in the darkness..."
Jason: "This guy. God."
Newlin: "I'm no longer associated with the Fellowship. Nor, might I add, any hate group, okay? All vampires want is to co-exist peacefully with humans. And if you take nothing else away from this interview, you need to understand that. Vampires are not the enemy. We are God's creatures, just like you. And all we want on this small, small planet is peaceful coexistence..."
Jason: "So far, so good."
Interviewer: "Speaking of coexistence, is there anyone special in your life?"
Jason: "Here we go. Here we freakin' go. Aw, see? He's already smiling that same goony way. Man, I can't believe I used to be obsessed with that guy."
Newlin: "Let's just say that... yes, there is someone!"
Jason: "Dude! I am just not that into you!"
Newlin: "... And she makes me very happy."
Jason: "Ugh. That's even worse. Steven Newlin, you are so disappointing!"

It is just great, we kept rewinding it over and over because it's so cute. I love Jason the most.

Gomer Kevin: "I am still weirdly sexy."
Andy: "More stuff about that corrupt speeding ticket thing from last week, okay?"

Little Boy: "Officer Stackhouse?"
Jason: "That's me, champ! How can I mentor you in the ways of manhood?"
Little Boy: "You fucked my mom! My home is a broken home!"
Jason: "I'm so sure I'm going to remember your mom by name. Do you have a picture, or..."
Little Boy: "Motherfucker! Literal mother fucker!"
Andy: "Hey, hey, hey. Jason, stop fucking mothers."
Jason: "I am!"

Not sure what the point was there, but I hope it doesn't go anywhere. It's one of those times in the year where every show is either ending or starting, and so any time anybody mentions two people having sex and the reason is not immediately apparent, I get so scared because of unwanted pregnancy.

The point is that the Authority, under the Guardian's leadership, is very invested in assimilation. Now, with the Exsanguination talk above, I think it's safe to say there's more to it, but for the purposes of this episode that is what they are about. Counter to them, in the established Vampire World, there are the -- sigh -- "Sanguinistas," who are fundamentalist terrorists convinced of the literal truth of vampire scripture.

Which is pretty sneaky, because you're talking about Al Qaeda but you're also talking about Creationism in the schools, but it's done in a dog whistle way such that your audience has three choices: See the parallels between Fundamentalisms of all kinds, see only the zealots of whoever they think is the crazy party, or just throw up their hands and say they were confused by this part. All valid responses, I guess. But what the show is doing is using the metaphor to explore the first one.

Fundamentalism, at its root, is about returning to a brighter, prior world which never actually existed. It's about taking the rules and the situation you would like to be true, and then pretending that somewhere back along a twisted path, before everybody got so out of hand, those things were realities. The Sanguinistas, Al Qaeda and Christian Fundamentalists all operate this way, and I don't even really mean to point fingers, that's actually just what it is. Making up a fairytale about history you can then wield as prior restraint.

For a more benign example, you've got Holly's Wiccans creating an entire new history from various pieces of myth and lore; for a more realistic example you've got the LDS Church building on a whole mythology about the American continent. In most cases, it's got a pretty large gender quotient, which is so far absent from this story, but the overall message -- that if Might has somehow stopped making Right, we have to reset the whole system so we're back on top -- is pretty standard.

In this case, the "Original Testament," which they call the Vampire Bible but seems more like the Vampire Book Of Mormon, tells a story where Lilith predates Adam and Eve both, because God is a vampire in this story, and she's created in his image. This means that Adam and Eve are a paired mating couple, meant to reproduce sexually rather than vampirically, in order to provide food for Lilith and her Brood.

Makes sense, I guess, these things usually do, but I think you should always question most those traditions and scriptures which support your right to primacy: Any belief you have which coincidentally puts you on top and somebody else on the bottom, and it should just be a natural moral reflex to question that and flip it over, because your own sense of self-preservation, your entitlement to whatever privilege we're talking about, is not going to do that for you.

By Jacob Clifton

White people and rich people have a narrative where everything is fair and the deck isn't stacked, vampires have a narrative where humans are food, straight people have a narrative where one strictly defined kind of marriage is fundamental to society, men have a narrative where women are irrational, and so on. And when those kinds of privilege get threatened, you're going to provoke, always, a reactionary movement that invents as much history as it needs to, in order to fix the world, and which -- a more, fascinating recent development -- supports in turn a certain protective coloration of victimhood, a jealousy and taking-on of what is now seen as the given minority's "right" to complaint. A very real and terrified sense of being oppressed by equality.

Now, I don't know how or if Russell's Druid stuff (humanity as world-killing virus) is going to come into play -- maybe he's just 100% Chaos right now -- but I do feel pretty certain that you're going to get some Sanguinistas playing the victim card, and it's going to be excellent. Real "War On Christmas," reverse-racism, nasty privileged nonsense. Or at least that's the hope, because if you're HBO and you're already getting bitched at for "liberal bias," you might as well tell the truth and stop trying to make those fools happy with you.

Salome: "I'm afraid Mr. Compton doesn't have your backbone. He's been freed. And in return for your cooperation, he'll be reinstated as King. In light of that, is there... Anything you'd like to say?"
Eric, grinning: "Long live the King."

I love it. Not even really bravery, just that inability to stop shooting authority the bird. As long as you're calling bullshit, might as well just keep saying it.

CASTLE COMPTON

Poor old Jessica's still having her dorky party when Steve Newlin shows up, dances past her -- he's got moves, I'll say it -- and into the kegger, where they all go bonkers because he's both a vampire and a celebrity. I'm getting tired of the college kids, I think, a little. Not entirely, though:

Chick: "Can I just say, before you became a vampire, you were a massive dick."
Steve: "I know!"

A little one-on-one in Bill's scrubbed-down office reveals a contrite Steve Newlin, who's more than willing to make amends... And also a deal for Jason's bod. Now obviously this isn't how things work, but Steve's pretty clueless, so Jessica strings him along for a gross little while before eventually laughing in his face, and then they fight and pull each other's hair, and it's a little problematic on the gay stuff so we'll just keep moving, and finally she's like, "My Dad's the King!" and Steve, once again indicating he's more on the ball than he's letting anybody know, just laughs at her about that. Then she imperiously throws the college kids out of the house, which considering they've been in those exact same positions for the last two or three nights, is probably best for everybody.

PATRICK'S MOTEL

Arlene: "Hey, nice motel room. Listen, do you have PTSD nightmares about fire where you physically attack your pretty significant other or anything? It's just for a survey."
Patrick: "I don't know what you're talking about."
Arlene: "The thing is, though, that I'm not actually as stupid as I come off. So..."

By Jacob Clifton

Chick: "Can I just say, before you became a vampire, you were a massive dick."
Steve: "I know!"

PATRICK'S MOTEL

Terry: "Dang it Arlene, why are you in this motel?"
Patrick: "I think we all might have something to discuss. She's onto us and our weird secret."
Terry: "Fine. The guy you're looking for, Eller, he's in hiding."
Patrick: "That is the question I've been asking, yes. Thanks."
Terry: "Not finished. You know how I'm crazy as shit and can't even focus or act normal for like one minute?"
Patrick: "That has become clear in this episode, yes. It doesn't reflect on Arlene too great."
Terry: "Okay well keep that in mind as I explain to you that compared to me, Ellers is bughouse."

MAXINE'S

Jason: "Hoyt, sorry you're living in your mom's house and having to work on her sink in a tank top, but I want you to come back and live with me."
Hoyt: "That is not an appropriate request!"
Jason: "I know, Bubba, but I love you and I need everything to be okay. Come live at my house and I'll even go stay at Sookie's. Nothing weird ever happens there, it'll be fine."
Hoyt: "I'ma need you to GTFO now, okay? I am too busy navigating my gigantic sexy body around this fragile world of ours. And being a secret fangbanger and wearing makeup."
Maxine: "I must involve myself!"
Hoyt: "[More ungrateful stupid nonsense. His bad mood is so unearned and so, so obnoxious.]"

By Jacob Clifton

Maxine, shoving him out: "I will never forgive you for what you did to my boy, Jason Stackhouse! You are dead to me. Thank you for splitting up Hoyt and that red-haired slut, I'm gonna bake you a pie. And stay out!"

LUNA

Luna hears weird noises out of Emma's bedroom and just kind of chills out, listening and bitching, for awhile. But one the door is open, there's the cutest little wolf pup in her bed, still wearing her PJ's. I guess that's the punchline, is that she's a werewolf and not a shifter, after all? Which, if anybody gave a shit about Sam or Luna, that would be pretty interesting: The shifter couple with a werewolf in the mix, meaning they can never get away from the wolves. But who knows what is actually going on here.

TARA

Tara finally uncrosses her crazy person eyeballs and appears, much to Sookie's joy, but in the end she just announces that she will never, ever forgive either of them and then -- despite Pam's orders? -- goes zooming into the night. I can't decide which would be better: A Jessica trucker scenario where she invites people to prey on her, which would be delightful, or if she immediately just became the kind of vicious predator she's been afraid of for so long. They both have their ironies.

VAMPIRE TRIAL

The Council includes Barb from Cougar Town, the Candyman, a little boy, and some other people with character actor-type personalities. They are led by Chris Meloni, who can wear a suit like nobody's business, and there is a very long ritual with obvious ties to Catholic Mass and less obvious ties to, like, every religious ceremony because they're all the same. At one point they each get a dollop of Lilith's blood on their tongue, which one might suppose then reverse-transubstantiates into wine.

It's all very silly, like all religious ceremonies are when you're not doing them and frequently when you are, but the texture and realness of all this is greatly appreciated. If you're going to do the whole thing, the Vatican Star Chamber Supreme Court mashup thing, make it seem at least as real as a sci-fi book would. You know what I mean? The credibility of world-building, even after we've already accepted so much about this universe of this show, never loses its importance. Especially when it's something this intense and possibly ludicrous even within the show itself.

Bill: "Okay, one more thing though. Russell Edgington isn't dead. We buried him in concrete after killing his husband, and now he's... You know how he was already crazy? Well now he's super crazy."

Not to mention that if Bill and Eric don't get out of here, then they'll have no way of helping Sookie not get her entire Capri Sun of faerie blood slurped by the former King. So it's actually a fairly good plan, to offer himself as bait.

Bill: "Russell wants nothing more than anarchy. If you would like your entire mainstreaming agenda, and your administration with it, to be completely obliterated, then by all means ignore me. The only thing Russell wants more is to see us dead."

Guardian: "Okay but why is he even alive?"
Eric: "It's this whole thing with Godric, where I should have killed him but then my asshole nature came back to the fore. I'm kind of complicated."
Guardian: "Well. As long as it means I get to chow on yet more scenery in weeks to come."
Bill: "Ah offer this to you as a final gesture of solidarity. Ah, like you, believe that mainstreaming is possible and essential. But Russell must be stopped. Ah fully expect to meet the True Death, either way."

Oh, okay. So you're not really bargaining so much as... How very Bill Compton. Like you couldn't just let that be implicit and then later be like, "Don't kill me, I helped with the King!" You have to say right up front, "This is just a favor, you can still kill me if you feel like it."

RUSSELL IS

Looking like Mr. Boogedy, but clearly somebody is feeding him people, so he should be right as rain pretty quick.

WEEK

More Tara going nuts, presumably, and we see what old Hoyt's been up to the past few weeks. Jessica discovers Barry the Bellhop, I think, and Russell continues his recovery.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.

By Jacob Clifton

RUSSELL IS

Looking like Mr. Boogedy, but clearly somebody is feeding him people, so he should be right as rain pretty quick.

WEEK

More Tara going nuts, presumably, and we see what old Hoyt's been up to the past few weeks. Jessica discovers Barry the Bellhop, I think, and Russell continues his recovery.