A Visit From The Poon Squad

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 07-10-2011 · S04E03

You know, that might be the most charming, delightful episode of this show we've ever had. Smart, whipsmart, but also very human in a way that doesn't seem winky or silly, but also sexy, but also, like, wise. There's a wisdom. So Eric, amnesiac, sniffs the faery blood on Sookie and attacks, but eventually she breaks his nose and he snaps out of it and back to being freaked out and vulnerable and sweet and scared: Something about the witches, stealing his memories, and then him just wandering around with no shirt on. Sookie feels bad enough to take him home with her, as long as he doesn't bite her.

Thanks to Russell -- and a cheesy ACORN Exposé-type Teabagger video of a vampire surprised in the act -- Bill is now forced to condemn vampires to death just for being bad PR. Oh, and Portia finally invites him to fuck her, and then once in bed to bite her, and as ridiculous and silly as Bill and Sookie always were, it's still kind of sad to watch him with another human lady.

Bill and Jessica's relationship, over the last year, has blossomed into something really special. She goes to him for counsel about having fang-cheated on Hoyt, and they are super sweet, and she eventually comes clean. But before Hoyt can even get properly pissed about it, she starts glamouring him, and things get really gross, really fast. Also, that creepy baby doll from last year keeps showing up in their house, so finally Jessica gives it to Arlene's devil baby so they can be creeps together.

Tara, Jesus and Lafayette still think Eric's a threat, so they spend the episode spinning their wheels, and getting evasive answers from Sookie, and freaking out, until Pam tosses Lafayette back in the dungeon. At which point Tara and Jesus storm Fangtasia! to save him, promise to hand over Marnie within 24 hours, and then Tara and Pam basically turn to the camera and scream at you, "We are going to do it with each other pretty soon!"

However, it won't be because they handed over Marnie, because Marnie has taken pathos to a whole new level and has decided to basically X herself out entirely so that that younger lady witch-ghost-face person can have her body, because being Marnie sucks. So she basically commits suicide, does this blood ritual where she wants to not exist, and it's so sad, and then the ghost-witch-lady shows up, and we'll see where that goes.

Andy's V addiction is fucking everything up for everybody, and he sucks on his finger at one point in a way that is profoundly, um, disconcerting, and then throws some middle-of-the-day punches at Sam and eventually pulls a gun, and it's very clear that Andy needs Jason to come home immediately. Meanwhile, Tommy learns that Maxine's house is sitting on a natural gas deposit and wants Sam to buy it out from under her so they can split the profits. Of course Sam's not doing it, and of course this breaks little Tommy's heart, and those boys will just never get it together.

In addition to Hotshot's illiterate oral history of Panther God, which their religion is so dumb and they are so dumb, Crystal's hairdos also tend to make her look like a lady who pushes a shopping cart around town as her hobby. Jason is still dying slash turning into a panther, and he might be the new "Ghost Daddy" of their town or whatever, at least Timbo is there and he is so wonderful. Then Jason wakes up to Crystal fucking him with everybody watching, and it's super gross as usual, and I never thought I would say this, but let's put a shirt on Jason Stackhouse already.

(Which: Say what you will about Maryann's supposedly repetitive orgies, but I bet you a hundred bucks that not one viewer is going to complain about the fact that Jason's entire storyline is him lying in bed with a slight fever.)

Pam eventually shows up to command Sookie to babysit Eric and -- her suspicion being that Bill sent Eric into the coven ambush on purpose -- not tell anybody about it, so Sookie immediately runs to Alcide to tell him all about it. Unfortunately, she can't leave him with Alcide, because he's back together with Debbie Pelt, who has stopped taking V and found Jesus, but still can't be trusted.

Sookie handles all of this with aplomb and great charm -- made lots easier by how Amnesia Eric is even hotter than Regular -- until Claudine comes to collect her for Faerie, and he... Eats her! And then goes, like, "Whoops, sorry!" and it's so amazing! Amnesia Eric is the best character of all television. I know it was a much-anticipated thing, but my goodness they're doing wonderful things with it. Here's hoping the director of week's episode sticks to the tone here, because this one was a fucking blue ribbon winner.

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Previously: Jason got tied up and panthered, the vampires started a fight with the witches, and Eric got amnesia about lots of things, including shirts. Sookie found him wandering the road with just a hobo's bindle full of no memories, but since yelling at people is her favorite thing, she didn't think twice about giving him a piece of her mind.

The first thing Eric does is try to nosh on delicious Sookie, of course, so she punches him in the nose. See, because when a vampire is interested in feasting on you, all you have to do is just bop them on the nose and they'll totally chill. But the thing where they always have to keep moving or they will die, that part is a myth.

Eric: "But why did you do it?"
Sookie: "Because stop trying to eat me, ya nerd."
Eric: "[Swedish]."
Sookie: "English."
Eric: "[Swedish]."
Sookie: "English!"
Eric: "Petunia Dursley magicked my memories out of me by trading faces with a younger hotter lady, including the memory of where my shirt went."
Sookie: "Okay, well, why don't you come home with me. Surely a murderous wild creature that can't even remember he's in love with me, surely that's a good idea."
Eric: "Not gonna lie, I'm probably going to bite you."
Sookie: "I'll just punch you in the nose again. No problem."
Eric: "Thanks, whoever you are. It sure is lucky that we coincidentally ran into each other like this."
Sookie: "Also the part where you randomly didn't suck all the blood out of my body."

MOONGODDESS WITCHMART

Witches: "Our Wiccan ways, besmirched!"
Lafayette: "[Saying things that make sense, like Don't piss off Eric Northman.]"
Witches: "We are not hearing that!"

Tara: "I need to throw around some anger because that was so scary! I have post-trauma about vampires because of that entire season I spent getting raped. And so on."
Lafayette: "Hooker, we don't have time to process your lesbian emotions. I got endungeonated by that motherfucker, and had all these sex dreams about him, and was forced to sell drugs to inbred panthers by him, and you don't see me whimpering about it. He is going to murder us for doing spells on him."
Witches: "[More nonsense. They are not getting it.]"
Jesus: "Marnie, how and what did you do to Eric that is going to get us killed."
Marnie: "I don't know! Isn't that so great?"

By Jacob Clifton

HOTSHOT

Timbo: (Is fantastic.)
Some Old-Ass Man: "Gather 'round so I can tell you our weird cargo cult religion that is based on panthers and methamphetamines."
Timbo: "How can we turn Mister Jason into a panther? I thought we were Born This Way."
SOAM: "Not the first panthers, not Ghost Mama and Ghost Daddy."

Way back, a long time ago, when Ghost Daddy and Mama was still alive, panthers was kings of the Nature world. The man world worshiped 'em as God, because they was. Then the Sky people came, and they seduced man, and turned him against Nature. All except one man and one woman. And they come into the woods under a full moon and they said, "Mighty Panther, we don't want to live in the man world. We want to live with you in our skins, not a dream." So what'd the Panther do? He ate Ghost Mama and Ghost Daddy. And when they was in his belly, they soaked up his magic, and then he puked them up, and the full moon, they turned. That was the beginning of our kind.

Which I mean, it's interesting I guess. It's a good story, it's a story you can feel magic in. And they are kind of like vomit. And whatever makes for more Timbo, I vote yes. But this is the real interesting part:

Timbo: "How come there ain't more of us?"
SOAM: "Because the man world's been fightin' a war with Nature, and Nature's pissed at all of us for lettin' it happen."
Timbo: "Just seems to me like Nature'd be a whole lot smarter if she tried kickin' man's ass instead of ours."
SOAM: "Nature don't need to be smart. Nature is Nature!"
Crystal: "Nature's bigger than us, Timbo. Ain't for us to figure out Her ways."
Timbo: "Well, guess that leaves us all on the short end of the stick then, don't it?"

I can't decide which of them is wisest. This is probably my single favorite conversation ever held on this show. It's spiritually correct, in the same way that Amy, and Maryann, were often correct. I like it.

Meanwhile, the same old-ass panther shaman has determined that Jason's temperature officially signals the end of his life as Jason and the beginning of the one. Jason doesn't really understand what they're doing, and he's delirious anyway. Crystal points out to the little girl how attractive Jason Stackhouse is, which adds just so much awful to everything.

PROJECT A.C.O.R.N.

Dumbass Fellowship kids get some girl to pretend she's a fangbanger so they can surprise a vampire in the midst of mauling her, and put it on YouTube. "Wake up, America!" and this kind of thing.

By Jacob Clifton

Vampire: "Entrapment!"
Bill: "Undoubtedly and yet Ah cannot save you from your fate."
(He sentences him to die the True Death, effective immediately.)
Vampire: "But I'm a vampire! Biting people is what I am 100% about!"
Bill: "It is a post-Russell Edgington world, I'm not sure if you've heard."
Vamp: "I demand a trial. I want to take this case to the Authority!"
Bill: "I am the Authority, you idiot!"

Which I can't even parse. Maybe it is like The Prisoner and he is the Authority, and the Magister, and a monkey-mask and then the mask comes off and it's Nan Flanagan, but under the Nan Flanagan mask: Bill again. Or at the end of the show it turns out it's all just this snow globe that Bill has been looking at the whole time.

Jessica arrives, having fed on a fellow and gotten the business from Sookie and acted out and been bratty and now she needs Advil for Hoyt's black eye, but all the stores are closed, so could the King help a sister out? Yes, of course he can. And not just that, but they are so frigging cute with each other that it's remarkable. He's like a beloved stepdad and she's a grownup and they just love each other. It's so sweet and uncomplicated.

Bill: "Tell me what's really goin' on."
Jessica: "Promise you won't judge?"
Bill: "Have you met me?"

But he doesn't, and it's amazing: He just tells her that A) Don't get taped feeding, B) Don't eat the unwilling, and C) She has to go home and tell Hoyt, immediately. Because what Bill knows and only Bill knows and thus he must share it with everybody, is that sometimes humans can get so weird when it turns out your whole relationship is a lie. He holds her close and they are so sweet and they don't even notice when the video vampire finally dies, off down some hallway somewhere. The sound of responsibility.

Bill: "You need to explain to him why you did it. Imagine how hurt he'd feel if he ever found out from someone else."
Jessica: "I hate my life!"
Bill: "Jess, vamp up. If you love him, you tell the truth. Period."

Kinda love King Bill.

I MEAN, VAMP UP

Sookie brings Eric home and he waits at the door because he doesn't know he owns her house, and since this home ownership thing is actually Sookie's biggest/only problem, she figures she'll go along with that misconception. He edges along the braided rug so he won't get it muddy, and it's so very cute.

Pam's feeding on some porn-talking guy -- "Yeah, suck it! Suck that neck!" -- in the Fangtasia! offices when Sookie calls, and then Sookie barely even gets out the first fact about the amnesia and Pam's speeding on her way over there, like how vampires do, without even saying goodbye.

Sookie washes Eric's feet off for him -- I guess because he's acting kind of like a toddler, or else because they're so far away because he's so tall -- and he giggles because it tickles, and you start to have feelings about Amnesia Eric. He stares at her and says "You are really beautiful," which is intriguing, but Pam has just arrived in a crazy outfit.

They are both weirded out by Eric's politeness and gentleness, and in short order Pam has ordered Sookie to babysit Eric for the foreseeable, because there are witches on the loose. Probably, Pam thinks, Bill sent Eric to the witches with the hope that they would do something terrible to him, or the other way around, and either way King Bill wins. I would not put it past him! Sookie is about to run and tell that, and Pam tells her not to tell Bill about the amnesia or she will murder her into pieces and chunks, so Eric hits her. Hits his vampire daughter! Pam stays chill though, because she knows that's not his true feelings. He just has amnesia from witches.

Sookie is more stuck on how there are witches and less about Eric and is Eric going to be okay, because unlike Pam she is not 100% all about Eric. Eric figures out that this is actually his house, and then learns that he drank Sookie's blood that one time. He is so happy to hear this! But then feels bad because it was against her will and he tricked her. They don't tell him about how it was actually a threesome with the King of Mississippi that time, and they don't tell about the way awesomer time he tricked her into drinking his blood, which is still one of the best scenes in this whole show. Remember? She was all covered in blood on her face and sucking that bullet out of him and then beaming up at Bill and she said some inane thing like, "Beel! Ah'm helpin'!"

FORTENHORRORS

On the post-Russell Edgington TV they can't stop talking about the post-Russell Edgington vampires and their post-Russell Edgington image problems and their post-Russell Edgington way of biting you, a post-Russell Edgington human.

Jessica comes home, and things get very gross and sad.

Hoyt: "Where have you been? You know it's dangerous for vampires in this post-Russell Edgington situation of our world."
Jessica: "I know, I'm sorry. I have to talk to you about something frightful."
Hoyt: "First though let's talk about that creepster doll from the finale last year and exposit the strange -- the literally unbelievable -- fact that we threw it in the dump and in the lake and it keeps reappearing on our bed to symbolize our baby we will never have because you are a dead creature. But not notice how insane that is, because of how dolls don't do that."

By Jacob Clifton

Jessica comes home, and things get very gross and sad.

Jessica: "I drank the blood of a truly attractive young man."
Hoyt: "Didja fuck 'im."
Jessica: "No, gross! I just sucked his delicious blood. In a toilet. In front of my stepmom."
Hoyt: "I feel like you have cheated on me in a way that doesn't have an exact real-world parallel."
Jessica: "That's how I feel too. But maybe it will be okay."
Hoyt: "No, I'm pretty sure I'm going to throw a massive shit-fit right now. I feel like I am dying inside of myself, in my giant beating heart."

Jessica cannot handle how bad this going, or poor wonderful Hoyt feeling betrayed, so she makes a call. A real bad one. And the worst part is that Hoyt knows what she's going to do before she does it, which means one second of terror because he knows that he, Hoyt Right Now, is about to die. And be replaced with a Hoyt almost exactly the same, but with some ingredients changed, like the last five minutes never happened. He sees that coming and begs her not to X him but she does it anyway, and then it's done. She has murdered or raped him in a way that doesn't have an exact real-world parallel. They have -- neither of them -- never been more in love, or more beautiful. It is sad and disgusting.

HIDEYHOLE

Sookie takes Eric down to show him his cubby, having talked Pam into paying her a shitload of money to hide him, and he is dressed like Eight Mile and it is sexy, and then they have an adorable meeting about like, who's more adorable, and how can they up their adorableness quotient, and things in that general semantic area.

Eric: "Whoa, this totally is my house! The spare but not cheap aesthetic of this hideyhole instantly resonates with my Scandinavian minimalism."
Sookie: "Uh huh. Don't get too motherfucking comfortable."
Eric: "But wait, so how come I own your house and you live here. Are you Mine?"
Sookie: "No sir."
Eric: "Are you Somebody's?"
Sookie: "I'd prefer not to discuss it. Those are fairy-fresh memories for me. Of sadness."
Eric, just violently cute: "Oooh, do you want to be Mine?"
Sookie: "Even with amnesia you have this like unerring sense of where the bruises are, so you can mash on 'em."

By Jacob Clifton

He won't let go of her arm and he asks her like the people always do, like he's been asking her in every scene, you know, What Are You, and she realizes that she's smelling delicious again, so she gets nervy but doesn't show it. She's doing pretty well with that. It's funny that Eric was the whole time telling her other vampires would eat her and that she should be His vampire girlfriend, and now the vampire that wants to eat her is him. He pops fang and it is so, so embarrassing for them both.

WITCHPOWER LADYTOWN

Jesus, Tara and Lafayette drink beers at the house, that wonderful carnival of a house, and talk about the Eric thing more and more. It's very Greek tragedy how they don't even need to worry about it, but worrying about it is going to make things happen. Of course, if the spell goes away or wears off, Eric is going to genocide Louisiana just out of embarrassment, so I guess maybe that's the view they're taking. Just the thought of the spell going away or wearing off makes me nervous because New Eric is so grand.

Lafayette: "I am going to Fangtasia! to beg for mercy."
Jesus & Tara: "That's a terrible idea. Plus you are post-traumatic about that place."
Lafayette: "Tara, you should go back to your pretend life. Bon Temps is doing its usual thing to you where everything is terrible."
Jesus & Tara: "We should be like the Three Musketeers of not really having a plan other than not wanting you to feed yourself to Eric."

They have a conversation about how Jesus can convince Lafayette to do things, and also that it was his idea -- such as moving in together, during the lost year -- but after the Jessica thing I don't really want to talk about it. My feelings are a little bit hurt right now.

MERLOTTE'S PARKING LOTTE

AM Andy Bellefleur is not doing so well at all. His V addiction has the better of him, no mistake. He calls Jason who is still missing -- "You've reached Officer Jason Stackhouse; if this is an emergency, dial 911 and ask for me" -- and it's really sad. He does that doublespeaking thing he does where he's like, "You're a public servant! You can't just disappear!" but really he's scared and needs to talk to his friend. Apparently Jason has been his sponsor in an almost real sense? Anyway, Andy has not the serenity to avoid the demon drug, and before you know it he's sucking blood off his finger in a sensual and terrifying and super-extra-creepy way.

By Jacob Clifton

Sam shows up then, all tail wagging and bright morning eyes, and Andy -- out of shame, and V excitement, and generally being an asshole -- starts a huge fight with him over nutty imaginary things, throws a punch, gets punched, and eventually pulls a gun on Sam. It's really sad and Sam, you know, he's the nicest. So he is weirded and worried about Andy's new kind of crazy. But since it's Andy "I Saw A Goddamn Pig" Bellefleur, you know it's gonna take more than just pulling a gun on Sam Merlotte for people to notice.

BACHELOR #3

Alcide: "I am mostly for looking at."
Sookie: "All my fake boyfriends are so rich and have such normal pretty houses, I am a very lucky girl. You are the person I should be with, but nobody ever makes the right calls in this life. Of the Pacey and the Dawson you are the even more boring third person. So anyway, can you take care of Eric for me?"
Alcide: "Like, murder him?"
Sookie: "No, like actually take care of him... He's really cute right now, with his problems? Witchnesia?"
Alcide: "Oh, of course. Everybody knows about witchnesia."
Sookie: "And I just thought, since Bill is King and I'm still mad at him, and Eric was a good pretend boyfriend until he caught the witchnesia, you're the best person. So like, you want to be my pretend boyfriend?"
Alcide: "Does that come with any benefits?"
Sookie: "I will stomp around and yell at you and drive you nuts."
Alcide: "You already do that. You are doing that currently."
Sookie: "Then no, not really."
Alcide: "I'll do it!"

Debbie Pelt: "Sookie, hi! It's been just ages since we fought nearly to the death in your upstairs bedroom and you almost blew a buckshot hole in me."
Sookie: "The fuck? You're living with Debbie Pelt?"
Alcide: "She's been off drugs for a whole year! She even brushes her hair now!"
Sookie: "I have to go."
Debbie Pelt: "You want a Vienna sausage? Squash pickle? Crawfish dip?"
Sookie: "These questions are malevolent."
Debbie Pelt: "Yeah, apparently I have never eaten food before, so I don't know how grotesque and unappetizing that spread is. Please be my friend."

GOD I MISS COOTER

We finally get a glimpse of Maxine's house and her little family with Tommy Mickens, and it's sweet. Her house always seems so cozy, so partially hydrogenated. She's teaching him to read off the TV screen of the QVC Marie Osmond dolls that they're thinking about purchasing. Also, if you are paying attention maybe they said it before, but this is the first time I noticed that Halloween is coming, All Hallow's Eve, like, the day in the year where the line between life and death gets bendy. And once you notice that, you start to see pumpkins and stuff all over every set. But especially Maxine's house, because she is a queerbutt.

There's a joke in her teaching him to read that's kind of annoying, because while it's well-played (He can't quite sound out "belle," and she's like, "It's French, who knows") by the actors, this show takes place in the one state of America where that joke doesn't make any sense. Anyway, they're so cute and I wish that I could adopt Tommy Mickens also, so I feel like I know where she's coming from. He answers the door so she doesn't have to interrupt her home shopping, and we're reminded why you should never trust people or let them into your home.

Seems Maxine's sitting on what might be a natural gas treasure trove, and so instead of bringing her out to talk to the man, Tommy takes on his new persona of Max Fortenberry, son of Maxine. The lease offer is $10,000 an acre for three years, plus 17.5% royalties on anything they find; Tommy Who Cannot Read jumps that to $12K for five years plus a 20% royalty and whatever, they talk about talking about it later.

So he lies to her that it was J-Dubz at the door, and thinks about how he can buy that house out from under her. Like if only there was somebody he knows that always has a ton of money, whom he loves in a particularly binding and painful way, and whom if he killed them he would get the ultimate grifter power -- that would be a good person to underwrite this one. Meanwhile, Maxine's just like, "Call me Mama!" like that's normal or okay.

HOTSHOT

Crystal: "Take this Mexican Viagra so our whole town of underaged, inbred ladies can fuck you in front of each other and then we can all be pregnant with a million Jason Stackhouse babies and become the stupidest town in the entire universe like a black hole of intellect where people just driving by get stupider, and a handful of people on the internet can get their panties in an outraged bunch and invent absurdly sheltered, and frankly offensive, false equivalencies about rape. You'll be our new Ghost Daddy."
Jason: "I do feel like I am being barfed."
Crystal: "That's the magic! Or maybe drugs."

By Jacob Clifton

HOTSHOT

MERLOTTE'S

Tara: "It was so nice not talking to you after I came all the way back here from my new life just to talk to you."
Sookie: "I don't have time to tell you about my problems right now."
Tara: "Actually, would you just tell Eric Northman not to kill Lafayette, please?"
Sookie: "I'm sure it's fine."
Tara: "Fuckin'... Okay, dude."
Sookie: "Wait, did Lafayette have anything to do with the... I mean, what do you mean?"
Tara: "Lafayette and Jesus do this Wicca thing with Holly, and Eric attacked us, and then he got whammied."
Sookie: "Yeah, whatever. Lafayette is fine. You're all fine. I can't talk more about it. Let's just say he's missing, and leave it at that."

Sam: "Heeeeeey little lady. I haven't seen you since I told you I was a shapeshifter and you left town because you hate supernatural beings."
Sookie, bouncing: "This isn't about me, so I'm not interested."

Tara: "I had this feeling like you said you could just be a whole new person. Like just invent a new lesbian life for yourself, like Maryann used to talk about and I keep getting fooled into doing."
Sam: "No, you can't do that. I tried to do that but I just ended up even creepier than I usually am. The past has a way of blah blah blah."
Tara: "This thing you have, of droning on and on about philosophical things. Is that you trying to sleep with me?"
Sam: "No, but speaking of..."
Tara: "I have a boyfriend or girlfriend."
Sam: "I have one of those too! She has boobs every day, all day."
Sam & Tara: "We are the most interesting people who ever lived."

Bill, verbatim: "Ah could never love you."
Portia: "God, your social skills really are for shit."
Bill, verbatim: "...One needs a young heart to take the leap that love requires of us, and my heart, like every other part of me, is no longer young."

Portia: "So many jokes! To be made!"
Bill: "Please just don't use the word 'stiff.' For some reason that really bugs me."

MERLOTTE'S

Jessica brings the horrible doll to Arlene so she can give it to her devil baby and then there will be two creepy babies. Arlene is fine with this because the only thing she hates more than her child is vampires, so it's a wash. I think the devil baby and the devil doll will form a coalition of deviltry and start taking over brains. But after that, I don't know, because it would be the first ever storyline on this show that isn't mainly about fucking.

Tommy approaches his broheim about buying Maxine's house and cheating her out of the lease rights, and it's funny because what: She's just going to spend that money on crap anyway and buy like a million more dolls. I mean, who knows what Tommy would spend it on. Probably buy a bar door to Sam's and call it also Merlotte's and everything about it would be just a little bit shittier.

Things proceed to terrible pretty quickly, of course, because no way is Sam going to go along with this plan, even though Maxine is the fucking worst, and then Sam also reminds Tommy that Hoyt is one hundred times better than him (and, in the margins of this, Jessica chose Hoyt too) so Tommy can't even be a good replacement Hoyt. He tells Tommy to vamp up and tell Maxine about the offer, but you know that's not happening.

Tommy: "I hate your fucking guts, Sam Merlotte!"

If you have a relative who is a shifter, I'm going to say this one more time, if you are a shifter and have a relative who is a shifter, you better keep them happy so they don't say stuff like that, because you know what Chekov said about having a skinwalker in the first act.

WHERE IS ERIC?

He's gone missing again, once Sookie gets home with some Tru Blood. Prowling, sniffing for portals to faerieland or patrolling the grounds like the sweet old golden retriever he has turned out to be. Sweet, rabid golden retriever, with the lipstick always out.

WHERE IS LAFAYETTE?

Getting manhandled by Pam, who explains to him one more time that Eric is what she is all about. Tara and Jesus show up, guns cocked, holding Ginger by the hair, and she screams and runs around and is ridiculous, and at some point Pam finds Tara alluring even though she wants to fuck and kill all three of them. In the end, though, she gives them twenty-four hours to produce Marnie, who can then take the spell off Eric or something, get eaten maybe, but either way they'll all be safe and Eric will be back.

SPEAKING OF MARNIE

It's the saddest thing. She's at Moongoddess, I think, or in her sad efficiency, and doing a ritual so that the spirit of the face will come back and be in her body full-time. It's gross, like, as gross as Tara killing the little girl, or Sookie forcing her mind open, or what Jessica did. It's a crime to yourself, to X yourself out like this and say, "I am worthless and I don't want to be alive anymore, so come be me instead because I feel so powerless." It reminds me of activists that turn off everything else until they are just one thing. So it makes sense that her sacrifice involves cutting down, not across. This is the saddest part:

"All my entire life, I have been looking for my gift to mean somethin'. Just to know, once and for all, why I was born with one foot in another world."

The fact that Marnie knows how bad she sucks has always been the saddest part of Marnie, and also the suckiest part. But to hear her say it -- that she knows damn well she's a crazy weirdo that people are scared of -- I don't know. Poor Marnie. Poor just everybody. Poor Marcus Bachmann. This episode is so, so good but so, so harsh. You can talk about victimless crime or whatever but I definitely am much more bothered by the ones you do to yourself.

A BOY & HIS HOTSHOT

When Jason comes to Crystal's fucking his Viagra dick and behind her are all the ladies of Hotshot waiting their turn. It's sad to see him betrayed like this, by his body and by the town he cared for so decently and tenderly, and see him unable to do anything about it, but at least we know he will never, ever love her. And the little one that hangs out with Timbo, Peggy or Loofah or whatever, Brobee, she's starry-eyed enough that you can already see where this one's going but not necessarily whether Tinky-Winky will survive Jason's imminent escape.

Maybe he can take Timbo with him and teach him the ways of men, and it can be like Tommy Merlotte, but with a happier and more adorable ending. Timbo Stackhouse, you let that pigeon go immediately! It's sweet of you but I would prefer a card, or something handmade!

CLAUDINE

Arrives to get Sookie the fuck on up out of there, even though she's the one who helped her brother get Sookie back to Earth in the first place, so I don't know, something's changed. Or actually, this is fun, maybe nothing's actually changed and it just took Claudine this long to get here, because of how time is. She reminds Sookie about the chain in the first ever episode, how it wrapped around Rattray's neck like its own creature, and maybe there were other times too but we don't get to hear them because Eric appears out of nowhere and drinks Claudine's entire blood until she explodes in light.

By Jacob Clifton

"All my entire life, I have been looking for my gift to mean somethin'. Just to know, once and for all, why I was born with one foot in another world."

A BOY & HIS HOTSHOT

CLAUDINE

Sookie: "You just killed my Fairy Godmother!"
Eric, with the cutest most embarrassed smile: "...Sorry?"

Nature don't need to be smart. Nature is Nature.