The Lying, The Witch & The Wardrobe

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 07-03-2011 · S04E02

Sookie's grossed out by Eric's whole deal with buying her house and trying to own her, and explains the conundrum of being a Modern Woman. A Modern Woman who dates vampires, and is also part faerie, and whose brother is King of the Panther Crackheads. She is happy to see Tara back in town, but not enough to actually hang out with her, since she's got to go flirt/yell at Eric for buying her a microwave oven. His point, which Pam also tries to explain, is that vampires are going to eat her and she needs a vampire/manly protector, but you know she's not hearing that shit.

What she is hearing is Jessica, making out with adorable boys in the bathroom at Fangtasia!, and screaming at Sookie for acting like her stepmother for just trying to help her out. Jessica is, awesomely and terrifyingly, becoming quite the wild card. Meanwhile, Hoyt is finding post-Russell Edgington life to be rough. As a gorgeous, tall young white man with a great job, I think we can agree that Hoyt has seen enough oppression already.

Bill, good Lord so much cool Bill stuff, going around banging fangbangers and being King of Louisiana and a double- or triple-agent or whatever is still pretty dorky but also great at the same time. Turns out Nan Flanagan's SWAT team interrupted his parlay with Sophie-Anne last year and assassinated her, to put Bill on throne... Even though both Bill and Nan have been secretly helping the AVL undermine the monarchy (and Authority) since 1982. Brilliant, this bit.

Jason has been kidnapped by the panthers, including wonderful Timbo, for what we learn is a complicated Handmaid's Tale situation where Felton and Crystal want to get pregnant, using his sperm, but have to turn him into a werepanther to do so. So now he's locked up in this shack while they bite him and bite him and bite him. Glad we're not skimping on Crystal's total shittiness this season.

Sam hooks up with Luna, who lets everybody in on a secret thing where shifters can become Skinwalkers (shifters who can even do humans) by killing another shifter to whom they're related. Sounds suspiciously complicated, right? I sure am glad Sam didn't have any sketchy resentful family members around to hear that... Except for Tommy, who will either be murdering Sam shortly or make good on his plea to mend fences. I think they should team up and kill that awful mom of theirs.

Speaking of, Arlene and the Devil Baby have a staring contest that ends with her blowing a vein in her eyeball, which is amazing to be sure, but mostly enjoyable because she's the goddamn worst.

Tara accompanies the boys to their witch meeting, but just about the time that Marnie's talking about raising the dead -- which sends the cousins running, but not Jesus -- King Bill sends his Sherriff Eric over to shut the witches down: Seems necromancy makes dead people uncomfortable on several levels. Before you know it, Marnie's gotten possessed by some Latin-speaking younger witch-ghost, Tara's trying to stake Eric, Lafayette is back in PTSD-ville just from seeing him, and then the spell's over, Marnie's back to being a sad-ass, and Eric is wandering the countryside all half-naked and amnesiac... And Sookie's the one that finds his helpless vampire ass.

See? All that "You're Mine" stuff -- which has now been going on for four years, which some of us have clearly forgotten -- wasn't just there to give you something to get offended about on Livejournal.

week: Witch War begins; more shifter and faerie dark side stuff; Eric is intensely adorable; everybody says "post-Russell Edgington" to the point that there are entire scenes of people just saying that phrase back and forth to each other.

Previously: The Lord Of The Rings, quantum spacetime, sad witches and dead birds and spying, devil babies, lesbian cagefighting, shapeshifting swingers, evil vampire real estate schemes, King Bill, and Timbo knocked Jason over the head.

HOTSHOT

Jason: "Hey, little panthers. Why am I tied up? Why is Timbo licking my head?"
Timbo: "It's just me, Mister Jason. Ya got a nasty gash, so..."
Jason: "What is lower than first aid? That's what you're doing right now. Let's see about untying me."
Timbo: "In between the dueling banjos and eating raw meat off the ground, things have gotten complicated here in our little township."
Jason: "Do you not recall how I love you and take care of you? It started because of Crystal, but she ran off with her brother-husband and now it's just us. Come on, Timbo. Assuredly you would not be licking my head if you didn't love me too."
Timbo, akimbo: TILT.

Felton: "Stop untying him that instant!"
Jason: "Crystal, where is she?"
Felton: "We can discuss that later. Right now I have to stick a gun in your face."

ERIC'S NEW HOUSE

Sookie, Now A Renter: "Get out of my house! I am not Yours, my house is not Yours, none of my stuff is Yours!"
Eric: "Isn't it weird how in this show, just a piece of paper means I can walk into places whenever I want? And how since a living person doesn't own this house, other vampires can just waltz in and bite you? I guess you'll have to be my girlfriend now."
Sookie: "The house does not come with me inside it. Check your paperwork again."
Eric: "You are delicious, is the point. And the vampires are coming. Let me protect you. I did this creepy thing because you are special to me, in addition to being delicious. Think about it this way, I could totally bite you right now but I am not."
Sookie: "Um, thanks?"

Eric: "The first time Bill said you were His, how did you feel about that?"
Sookie: "Pissed."
Eric: "But also safe, because you literally were. Think about it."
Sookie: "I feel like I'm not being heard."
Eric: "That's only because you literally cannot hear what I'm saying back. Try this on for size, okay? There are two of you. There's the normal one of you that stomps around being crazy because you know your vampire boyfriends will come running, and then there's Crazy Faerie You, that is awesome. Stop pretending you're human, because you're way better than that."

By Jacob Clifton

Sookie: "Oh what, like if I come to grips with Faerie Sookie suddenly my legs will just fly apart for you?"
Eric: "Oooh!"
Sookie: "Yeah, that was tacky."
Eric: "No, that was Faerie Sookie. I'll see both you girls later. Meanwhile, I'll fix this screen door since it's my house."

KING BILL

Bill: "Okay, well, since the witches are raising birds from the dead you're no longer going to be spying on them."
Katie: "How come?"
Bill: "Because I am going to get Eric to kill all of them, or vice versa."
Katie: "Should I get the vampire pimp to grab you a snack?"
Bill: "I think we both know I'm going to chow down on you right now."

FANGTASIA!

Anti-Vampire Teabaggers: "Steve Newlin was right! You're devils of the night!"
(Repeat ad nauseum.)
Hoyt & Jessica: "Those dudes were not here earlier."
Pam: "Post-Russell Edgington et cetera."
Teabagger: "Hey, fangbanger!"

This guy's the first one of all the extras over the years to really nail the emphasis right, where it feels exactly like he's saying faggot.

Hoyt: "So what if I was a fangbanger? Stop talking shit about my girlfriend, dude. She's not a devil, she's a woman, and even if she has fangs and we have sex, that doesn't make me a fangbanger. Because we are in love, and there is nothing wrong with being in love. And it's certainly none of your concern. You are a fucking terrible Christian."
Teabagger: "That's kind of our thing!"

Jessica, fanged up: "Wait, did you just call me a whore?"
Teabagger: "I dare you. That dude is taping this whole thing."
Pam: "Um... You two lovebirds go on home, okay? Let these good people practice their constitutional right to be fuckin' idiots."
Teabaggers, making their move: "I might be a fuckin' idiot but at least I ain't dead!"
Hoyt: (Is forced to beat the shit out of all of them.)
Pam: "Jessica, stay put. I know it's tough because we are killing machines, but honestly I do not want any of us on film fighting back. We'll have our day."

MERLOTTE

The shifters are done running around so Sam crashes on the grass to Luna, who is just hanging around with her business out. Must be the Season of the Tits.

Naked Sam: "Luna, I have noticed that you're very attractive whenever you are a person, or even a horse."
Naked Luna: "Sam, you are plenty dorky."
Naked Sam: "People don't get to be as beautiful as you are without havin' one hell of a story to tell."
Naked Reality: "That makes... No sense whatsoever."
Naked Luna: "Your wiles are irresistible. But yet I must resist!"
(She turns into a horse again and runs off; Sam is like "Durn!")

COMPTON

Bill is fucking that lady when Sookie, still feisty about the Eric Situation, heads over to talk to him. When she sees how his mansion has been turned into a castle, her eyes light up just a little bit, and then she remembers that they broke up and she no longer gets to be excited about her boyfriend's house or whatever, and so she pulls it together and keeps stompin'. That goes away when a bunch of dudes with guns show up and surround her.

Dude: "Nobody sees the King unless they're on the manifest!"
Sookie: "The what?"

Bill, inside: "Oh hell."

Dude: "Yes. Your nerdy boyfriend is now the King of Louisiana!"
Sookie: "I cannot wait to figure out a reason to yell at him about this."
Dude: "Stackhouse is allowed inside. Stand down."
Sookie, unnecessarily: "Yeah! Stand down, y'all!"

Bill, having hurriedly dressed: "Oh sorry Sookie, I was just having a normal meeting with this lady, who is on my security detail. Pay no attention to the gaping holes in her neck."
Sookie: "Nice to meet you?"

Season of the Smirk! Dang, Spy Witch.

REYNOLDS/VELASQUEZ

Jesus: "Let's have an expository conversation about our feelings toward magic and necromancy and cover a bunch of ground we already covered like a million times."
Lafayette: "Good thing we are hot or this conversation would be boring. Hey, let's not bring any more birds to life, okay? This whole show is about the boundary between life and death. The results will not be pretty."
Jesus: "Magic turns out good or bad depending on the people using it. Like, you're the most sweet-hearted drug-dealing cam-whoring prostitute fry cook I've ever met, so all your magic would be nice happy magic."
Lafayette: "Yeah, but only creeps bring dead things back to life with it though, so that's automatically..."
Jesus: "-- Okay, that's enough of that conversation. Let's make out."

COMPTON

Sookie: "Sorry to interrupt and even sorrier that I haven't been home five minutes and I'm already asking you for stuff, but could you get Eric off my case?"
Bill: "Actually I can't."
Sookie: "You're the King! You did all kinds of shit for Sophie-Anne, if you recall."
Bill: "Not really the same thing. Eric's connected. Also, as I'll soon tell the viewers in flashback, my loyalty to the Queen was just a ruse for my conspiracy with Nan Flanagan to overthrow the Monarchy."
Sookie: "Fix it, Bill!"
Bill: "...Fine. I'll see what I can do, but you'd best go stay with a human until this is figured out."
Sookie: "Yeah, right. Like I would ever do anything to safeguard my own welfare."
Bill: "This went just as horribly as I assumed it would. Good night, my dear."
Sookie: "Goodnight, Your Excellency. Hey, why are you King now? Never mind, I hate finding out things about you because they inevitably ruin my ridiculous fantasies."

By Jacob Clifton

FLASHBACK

So like this one time it was 1982 and Bill was chowing on this British bartender and they were saying British stuff to each other and there was so much eyeliner and it's like, you know how punks are the dorkiest thing in the world, and then so too is Bill Compton, and you put those things together and it's totally magic, so of course he could seduce this young fella outside and drink his blood.

Bill, doing that attempt-at-sexy thing he does when he's glamouring people: "Hold still and let me glamour you! Okay. You should take an iron supplement daily and a vitamin B twice daily. This is what my version of being a badass looks like."

Nan appeared and they fanged at each other and she told him there were a bunch of vampires who don't much like killing people just because they can. Turns out Louis Pasteur is a vampire, and he's been working on this fake blood that will let them come out of the coffin and be normal. Bill scoffs, but you know how he is: He totally loves that idea, because he is a self-hating hemophile.

Nan: "We need you, and others like you, to infiltrate the monarchies and plant the seeds of discord from within."

So Bill has been a spy for the AVL this entire time, and really good at it. Which flips all of his stuff, once again, back the other way. It's really neat. Although one wonders whether -- since his cliffhanger fight with Sophie-Anne had to do partly with containing the faery facts about Sookie -- Nan knows about the facts about Sookie. I say no, which means he's now like a quadruple agent. And I can't even do the math on what it meant for him to have infiltrated/defected to Mississippi (originally under Lorena's orders, possibly under Sophie-Anne's orders eventually, all of which was apparently under Nan's orders, but none of which Sherriff Eric knew?), except it seems like Eric killing Russell would have been a win for everybody, including Bill. Not to mention poor Godric already.

HOTSHOT

Timbo: (Is fantastic.)
Andy: (Arrives, bellowing, because he needs drugs because he is a drug addict.)
Jason: "Mmmf-mmmmfy!"
Crystal, not interested particularly in untying him: "Hey, it's me! I am all fucked up on V so I am not making a ton of sense, but it's really nice to see you."

Outside, Andy is not really open to Timbo's particular brand of being awesome right now, but Felton does this hilarious pantomime act -- under cover of a shack, since he's a wanted criminal -- where he looks at Andy's trembling V hand and down at his own trembling V-addict hand, and puts it all together. So the whole time Andy's interrogating Timbo -- which: good luck -- Felton's putting all together, and finally sends some ancient old fucker out with a single vial.

Andy: "Luther, thank you for comin' forward with this, uh, evidence, which I am now gonna take with me. Again, as evidence."

Crystal kisses Jason and acts bizarre some more, Andy drives away without rescuing him, and Jason realizes that possibly Crystal is not the most reliable person you could have as a girlfriend.

MERLOTTE'S

Sam: "Luna, what a pleasant surprise!"
Luna: "I am here to seduce you because I feel weird about freezing you out last night. You know how sometimes people say, 'I'm going to try to let you in'? You know how normal people say that all the time in real life?"
Sam: "No, but they do on this show, like a lot. Also this episode is not well-written, on a line-by-line basis. Lots of impossible, unrealistic, unpoetic dialogue the actors are just supposed to take care of. I certainly hope we are up to the challenge."

Luna: "Okay, well I am going to try and let you in. I have lots of problems, though."
Sam: "I also have problems and will also try to let you in."
Luna: "We are the most interesting people that ever lived."

Tommy: "My brother has a girlfriend? That's gotta get ruined, by me, immediately."

Devil Baby: (Gets into a staring contest with his horrible mother and somehow blows a vein in her eyeball. As dumb as the devil baby storyline is, so far, consider me converted. Anything that fucks with Arlene is automatically going to be campy, but also automatically is something in which I am total favor. time just blow the whole head off, kiddo.)

Arlene: "Motherfuckface! Look at him, looking at me, laughin'! He ain't right, that boy! You hear me? You ain't right! You're rotten to the core just like your daddy was!"
(She runs off to wherever assholes go when they're bleeding in the eye.)
Terry: "I'm your daddy. And I ain't rotten, and neither are you. You hear me? Your mama just gets a little crazy sometimes. Which means we just gotta love her that much harder."

Or: Does it.

NORTHMAN'S STACKHOUSE

Just the sight of Sookie unloading groceries and you know she's about to be attacked by dogs or goblins or werewolves or Debbie Pelt or demons or all of those things at once. So of course, she is and there are a bunch of goblins... Oh wait, it's just Tara. Sookie was just having a post-Faerie moment.

]

Tara: "Sookie, you dropped your groceries!"
Sookie: "It's because you were goblins!"
Tara: "What?"
Sookie: "I said, I'm so happy to see you!"
Tara: "Okay! I'm so glad you're not dead. Although considering our lives, probably sneaking up behind you was never going to be a fun surprise for anybody."
Sookie: "Glad you're back from ... wherever you were. I can't tell you where I've been."
Tara: "Oh, are you a lesbian cagefighter now too?"
Sookie: "What an odd thing to say! Good thing I'm totally self-absorbed. Grab those groceries and I'll tell you all about how I'm not dating any vampires."

Tara: "This new screen door has a cute note on it, and then inside there's a microwave oven, and in your fridge there's a wine carafe full of blood that somehow isn't clotting. Are you sure you're not dating Bill some more? Am I going to have to throw him out of another moving van?"
Sookie: "This isn't Bill's stuff, it's Eric's."
Tara: "Oh, hell no!"
Sookie: "Ha! No, I'm not dating him either. He's just... I think this is like a joke. One of those funny jokes where your stalker buys your house and nobody can help you."
Tara: "My stalkers never do that. Brought me a bouquet once, strapped it to my hands. I was chained to a toilet at the time..."
Sookie: "-- Anyway, let's eat some ice cream and I can tell you more about my boy problems."

Sook goes to find a blanket so they can curl up on the couch, only to find an armoire in the corner that was not there before. She cracks it open, expecting yet more Narnia to jump out and bite her on the face, but it's just a Dharma hatch that leads down to a 10x10 bedroom so Eric can sleep over in style whenever he wants. It is totally cute. So is this:

Sookie: "MmmmmotherFUCKER."

Tara: "...We're not having ice cream, are we?"

Sookie doesn't even bother answering, just stomps off in the direction of Shreveport.

FORTENBERRY

By Jacob Clifton

Sookie: "MmmmmotherFUCKER."

Tara: "...We're not having ice cream, are we?"

Sookie doesn't even bother answering, just stomps off in the direction of Shreveport.

FORTENBERRY

Jessica, on waking: "Oh, Hoyt. Knight in shining plaid. How's your eye? Actually, let me just rub some blood on it or let you drink some blood and then you'll be fine."
Hoyt: "I already get plenty of benefit from living with a vampire, because you are awesome. Besides, I don't need that shit."
Jessica: "Oh, we are going to fight so bad now."
Hoyt: "You know what I'm sayin'. I don't want to drink your blood every time I stub my toe. I've seen people get all kind of messed up off of too much vampire blood."
Jessica: "Actually, I cannot argue with that. Give me your keys."
Hoyt: "Please don't get all..."
Jessica: "I'm not running off, it's fine. I'm going to get you some Advil, because I feel bad about you getting beat up, because of our alternative sexuality relationship, and you won't let me fix it, so this is how I will fix it."
Hoyt: "My face hurts."

JAFAYETTE (?)

Lafayette & Jesus: "Tara! You are in town! And a gay!"
Tara: "What are you guys doing? Are you going to a gay activity? I love those!"
Lafayette: "Um, witch thing. We're doing a Wicca thing. Please don't make fun of me. Are you coming or not?"
Tara: "Oh, yeah. Season of the I Would Not Miss This."

Eric: "Did the AVL cosign this action?"
Bill: "Ah am the King of Louisiana! Ah don't have to ask anyone for permission!"
Eric, loving it: "I will go tonight. My 'King.'"
Bill, also secretly kinda loving it: "Thank you, 'Sheriff.'"

FLASHBACK

So what happened after Sookie dumped him was that Bill was feeling nihilism -- pure nihilism! -- and so he decided to fight the Queen, and she was beating his ass, but it turns out the whole thing was a lie and actually Nan and Bill set the whole thing up. So a bunch of sharpshooters came flooding into his house and pumped Sophie-Anne full of wooden, silver-core bullets, and she exploded. Onscreen. So, that's sad I guess.

Then Nan was like, "Well, I guess you're King now. Just don't lie to me, or else I'll take you out too." And they buzzed through a little pretend ritual like the Authority mattered or the Monarchy mattered* --

Nan: "By the power vested in me by the one true Vampire Authority whose wisdom and justice we hold sacred I hereby pronounce you King William Compton of Louisiana."
Bill: "I pledge my fealty to the Authority for as long as I walk this Earth and I swear it upon the Blood."
Nan: "Great. Now go clean yourself up, you're covered in Queen."

-- and then the Doozers came and turned Bill's creepy old dead-person mansion into an awesome castle, and now he lives there all alone, feelin' empty due to Sookie, fillin' up that space with various fangbangers, witch-spies, and possibly the redoubtable head of the Bon Temps Chamber of Commerce.

*(Like, further to the basic stylistic problems with this script: Bill at this point swears something, quote, "On the office I am to ascend to." I ask you. I'm not a grammar police person, and I am aware that it's usually a sign of a cocksucker, but that's just flat retarded. Especially because the line is trying to be overly proper because of how it's Bill, but then it's noticeably wrong enough that it just pulls everything down, down, down. And nobody caught it? It wasn't the case which to sound to anybody's ears to whom wretched at all?)

FANGTASIA!

While Jessica is making a rash decision to head to Shreveport instead of a gas station, Sook's already there, annoying old Pam.

Sookie: "Every memory of everyone I have ever cello music or a guitar and my dead grandma and my granddad's watch and he turned into ghost spinach and all of Eric's dead girlfriends and Tara's drunk mom and so much feelings and ice cream and Maryann and family and quilts and..."
Pam: "Um, Season of the We Are Not Friends. And even if we were, Eric's my whole deal. I don't know how that escaped you enough that you would honestly think I would side with you."
Sookie: "Well, then I am waiting for him in the office so I can yell at him when he gets back from wherever."

Pam: "Okay, that's fine, and also -- since we're actually totally friends -- let me just suggest you reconsider his offer."
Sookie: "Why? So he can keep me and use me and drink from me and probably drain me some time by accident?"
Pam: "Somebody is definitely going to do those things. I'm the only other one that knows who you are, which is why it sort of falls to me to corroborate his You Are Going To Die Screaming story. Faerie Princess, you need to Be somebody's, or you won't be at all."
Sookie: "Threats of my death have proven too abstract, and I just tune you out. Explain it in a way which will ping my protofeminist sensibilities, or make me feel like my life is Titanic."
Pam: "Eric is handsome, he's rich, and in his own way he cares about you."
(This last with the eyebrow of the truly bewildered.)
Sookie: "Thanks for the advice? But I will never be Eric Northman's puppet."
Pam: "Shame for you then. He pulls good straaaaaaang."

Outside, Jessica takes off her sweater and pushes through the crowd of Teabaggers, and then inside, and takes her hair literally down, and everything is muffled and intense, and then she sees that very attractive young fellow from earlier, and heads over to him with the whole world shaking and his jugular pulsing, and they head off to the bathroom together.

MOONGODDESS SPICERACK & HENNA TATTOO EMPORIUM

Tara: "I was given to understand from Vampire Diaries that all witches are African-American -- and vice versa -- but this here is a remarkably Caucasian crowd. And, from the looks of things, really into twelve-sided dice and polyamory and Firefly. The ectomorphic verisimilitude to actual Wiccans is pretty outstanding."

Holly: "What we accomplished last night was remarkable, and Marnie appreciates each and every one of us for bein' a part of it..."
Tara: "If Marnie's so appreciative, how come Marnie don't talk?"
Lafayette: "Shhh. Long story. Also, you're being rude. These guys may have low social skills and poor earning potential, but they're not deaf."

Witches: "What are we going to bring back ?"
Witches: "I say another bird!"
Witches: "I say a different animal!"
Witches: "I say Dumbledore!"
Witches: "I say Tara! No, the other one!"
Witches: "I say Charmed!"
Marnie: "I say a person, in my stroke-victimy way."
Witches: "...Bwuh?"
Marnie: "A dead body. It is going to be awesome."

Tara & Lafayette: "Season of the Bitch Are You Crazy."
Half the Witches: "Marnie, not to imply that you are mentally ill, but all signs point to that you are mentally ill. Frankly we're not sure how we missed it earlier."
Half the Witches: "Sure, why not? That doesn't seem super fucked up."
Lafayette: "You cannot trust a Wiccan to be cool! I knew they were going to embarrass me."
Tara: "I have to go call my girlfriend. Bon Temps just officially got stupid again."

YUPPIE SHIFTER CAMPFIRE

Yuppie Shifters: "Let's have a contrived conversation about changing into crazy stuff so that Luna can 'open up' about how one time she shifted into her own mother so that we can introduce the Skinwalker myth into this show and then the blonde girl can ask how a Skinwalker is different from a shapeshifter and then we can learn that Luna is half Navajo and, apropos of nothing at all, she will start telling us how a Skinwalker gets their powers from killing another shifter who is also their relative, which Luna can do because her mother died in childbirth, and she can just dump all of this information on our heads like we're reading a Neal Stephenson novel or Wikipedia, while pretending to have feelings about it, and we can all play along and act like it's not totally stupid. Deal?"

Sam: "I hope no sketchy relatives of mine overheard that!"
Tommy: (Goes running off into the night.)
Sam: "I also hope that Luna actually looks like how she looks, and is not looking like a person that looks like Luna but is actually an ugly chick. Or a dude."
Luna: (Is totally a dude! I bet you five dollars.)

Sam gives chase to the mysterious person that is obviously Tommy, who will obviously now be wrestling with whether or not to kill Sam, and gain the ability to turn into people. Although obviously, just like in the myth, even just having that power automatically makes you a terrible person on this show, because the show is not interested in giving you that option, of just turning into another person. That would be suicide, in terms of this show: The unforgivable act of Xing yourself out to escape your past or your face.

The one thing that always gets you kicked in the junk, because it's so dumb and weak and gross. Even having that power would make you a worse person than Rene, even, so I hope nobody gets it -- although you can totally kill their gross mom if you want -- but also I guess that train of thought confirms that Naomi/Toni won't stick. (I hope the gay thing does, though.)

By Jacob Clifton

YUPPIE SHIFTER CAMPFIRE

Anyway, spoiler alert! Everybody gets a Native American love interest with dynastic family issues and magic powers! Sookie's will be an Inuit werewalrus! Terry Bellefleur is secretly half-Mayan and turns into a Canadian by the full moon! Naomi is actually a shapeshifting wereasian! Everybody watch out! Watch out for those Skinwalkers!

By Jacob Clifton

OUTSIDE MOONGODDESS

Tara: "Hey, baby. How's it goin'? How is your full moon, are you turning into a half-Asian lady?"
Naomi: "Yeah, I was just standing around our house in a half-shirt and about a thousand bracelets, listening to chick music and leaning on stuff. You know."
Tara: "I really miss you. This place is bonkers."
Naomi: "I think I have a gluten allergy."
Tara: "Lesbians."

INSIDE MOONGODDESS

Lafayette: "Where the fuck y'all gonna get a dead body?"
Zoom! It's Eric: "Excuse me, y'all are lookin' for a dead body?"

Lafayette is up on and on the other side of the room faster than a vamp even can move, so of course Eric does his usual thing of flirting with him -- "Oh Lafayette! I didn't know you were a witch!" -- and as usual Lafayette is not playing along. Things are tense. The witches don't know that necromanting is a bad deal -- they just know that Eric is very large and very scary, very much a thing that disturbs Lafayette's legendary cool, very much the quintessential vampire, and very likely to murder all of them where they sit. In their caftans, on their cushions, breathing the candled air and chatting about raising dead bodies.

FANGTASIA!

Sookie takes a bathroom break from waiting on Eric and overhears Jessica sucking on that beautiful guy in the stall over, and it's such a great scene.

Fella: "You are so fuckin' beautiful! What's your name again?"
Sookie, tapping on the divider: "...Um, Jessica?"
Jessica, looking trapped and hangdog: "...Sookie?"
Sookie: "Can I talk to you for a second?"

They come out and chat, and the whole time the kid is bleeding out in the stall, and they totally ignore him so they can have a fight about how Jessica is cheating on Hoyt. In a bathroom stall. Jessica gets all kinds of righteous about how Sookie can't even start with her because of how bad she hurt and continues to hurt Daddy Bill -- I can't wait to see what their relationship is like now, a year later -- and Sookie's like, "I'm not trying to start shit, I just actually care about you."

Jessica: "Stop acting like my stepmom! I hated it before and I like it even less now!"

By Jacob Clifton

Aww. That was like the coolest Sookie ever was, before she started spitting in werewolves' faces and garbage-disposalling people's boyfriends and wrecking shop all the time. Remember? How Bill and Eric were so gay in their tracksuits shopping for Jess, and Bill was like Sookeh don't you pick mah kid up from school and Sookie was like Ah can do whatever Ah want and she nearly got Jessica's whole gross family murdered? Good times. And then Bill was all Dang it Sookie and Sookie's like, "What." I honestly felt like that was the first time Sookie was a completely real person. It was also the first time you saw the Power of the Stomping, like, her utter disregard for any kind of consequence whatsoever.

Jessica: "This ain't got nothin' to do with you! I can eat who I want! [Slam!] Hold the fuck still!"

Well, now I don't even know what Sookie's plan is, but she heads back out through the protesters -- via more classic, hilarious stomping -- and drives away, telling them to go to hell while she's at it, like, just as an afterthought.

God, I love Sookie when she hates everything. Isn't it the best? She just gets that look in her eye and throws those shoulders back and keeps on stompin'. Fuck it.

THEM MICKENS BOYS

Have this cheesy heart-to-heart about how Sam is finally making friends with other shifters but Tommy is still all alone and whatever. I think this scene could have been better written, in particular, because the key to Tommy is remembering how fast he changed his name to Merlotte. If you remember that, how young and desperate he is, the whole Tommy Deal makes a lot more sense. But instead:

Sam: "What'd you follow me out here for, Tommy?"
Tommy: "I guess I just want us to be brothers."
Sam: "Well, that's gonna be a problem because you don't trust me, and I sure as hell don't trust you."
Tommy: "So then where do we start?"
Sam: "Chip away at it. Try to not trust each other a little less every day."

With this, like, music playing. It's just so annoying to watch that you can't even care. Maybe the cheesiness is so that later on when Tommy kills Sam and turns into a Skinwalker and then that's Sam from now on, it'll be even weirder to remember how dumb this scene was and how much of their butts you constantly had in your face.

MOONGODDESS

Eric: "A little bird, heh, told me your leader's name is Marnie."
Marnie: "That's me."
Eric: "Are you sure?"
Witches: "Yeah, yeah. That's her. It's a long story."

By Jacob Clifton

Eric: "Um, okay. You guys can't be witches anymore. This coven is over."
Marnie: "I am not okay with that."
Eric: "Lala, tell 'em."
Lafayette: "He is the worst. Season of the Rip You Limb From Limb. He will kill us right now and then go shopping."
Marnie: "Okay, we're going to do a spell on you now instead."
Eric: "Okay, well, I am going to eat you then."
(He does.)

All the witches start chanting some dumb chant, and Tara tries to stake Eric but ends up getting very nearly bitten, but then Marnie and Lafayette link up the circle and once again, the metaphysical shit hits the phenomenological fan, and suddenly Marnie's face is turning into some other lady's face and she's saying this Latin incantation and everything goes dark and there is an otherworldly wind and then Eric just sort of... The Eric of him drains out of his face. He gets scared, and zooms away.

Marnie, back to sucking: "What happened? Is he gone?"

You could say that.

A BOY & HIS HOTSHOT

Crystal and Felton come into the room where they've got Jason tied up, and start getting naked. Jason immediately discerns that Felton is going to have sex with him or something, but it turns out that no: They are going to turn into panthers and bite and scratch him until he is a panther too, and then he will be getting Crystal pregnant with more panthers. Even though he was fine just kind of being their social worker.

DRIVE ANGRY

Having spent all evening and night trying to track down Eric to yell at him about the armoire in her house, Sookie's annoyed of course to see what looks like Eric -- shirtless, in leather -- wandering down the road.

Sookie: "Fucking Eric! I am so mad at you!"
Eric: "Who are you?"
Sookie: "None of that! No games, I'm going to stomp and yell so hard. You know you want it."
Eric: "Seriously, who are you?"
Sookie, getting nervous: "...Eric?"
Eric, very alert: "And why do you smell so good?"

week: Eric chows on some faerie, Bill allies with Portia, Jessica does something unforgiveable, we get a glimpse of life with Maxine, and... Honestly, it's the best episode of this entire series to date. Like, equal to/better than "I Will Rise Up." Get ready.