Pennsylvania: Tremont Drive

Props to mosaicgirl and platformmom, the female HOs from this episode, for dropping in on our forums to give us the scoop on this episode. I think it's the first time we've ever had representation from both teams.

MPDP's in Chester, Pennsylvania, and a hell of a lot perkier than I am at this point. Fifty-eight episodes, woman! Aren't you a little bit tired? This season started when I was on vacation at the end of August last year and it's early July -- and Wing and I are still saying to each other, "Just X more episodes." I have no words for how wrong this is. Hasn't everyone in America been on this damn show by now? Who's left, people on Death Row? (That's not a suggestion for a prison spinoff, by the way. Oh God, I'm probably too late.)

We see Amy Wynn pushing a shopping cart full of Gen and Vern through a hardware store. Chris and Betsy want to redecorate their son Jacob's bedroom. He's nine, and crazy about hockey and other sports. Jacob has an extremely large white bedroom with off-white carpet. He's got a simple bedframe in silver metal (double bed, by the way, and for some reason, there's another mattress -- or maybe it's the box spring -- shoved underneath the bed) and various bright, colourful things around the room: a pup tent, pennants, a yellow desk chair, a basketball net, and a big SpongeBob SquarePants...doll? Mannequin? ["Hallowe'en costume was my guess." -- Wing Chun] There are also some more neutral items: a Papasan chair with a beige cushion and matching stool, and some unfinished Sten shelving from IKEA. There are white blinds on the windows. May I just say, this room is huge, especially for a kid? I don't think the entire main floor of my parents' house is this big, and for about six years my sister and I shared a room that was 9' x 12'. Don't even get me started on the huge snowstorms in which I had to walk to school. Jacob is the oldest and his younger brothers and all of their friends like to hang out in this room. Betsy and Chris would like to see some colour in the room, and would like there to be a place for Jacob to draw, since he enjoys that. They show a close-up of a beanbag chair that's like a giant baseball. Well, more like a giant baseball that had the crap beat out of it, since that's pretty much what all beanbag furniture looks like. Frink thinks that's cool -- more on the basis of the beanbag than the sports aspect -- which is why Frink will never, ever be picking out furniture for our house. He's always attracted to gimmick furniture: beanbags, inflatables, basket chairs that hang from the ceiling, etc. Meanwhile, I'm wandering around looking for stuff made of actual hardwood and interrogating salespeople about methods of upholstery and numbers of springs. Chris and Betsy want a room with a sports theme and one that Jacob can grow with.

The other homeowners are Bill and Becky (uh oh...Betsy and Becky? Good luck, Deborah!), who want their living room redone. They say that people are afraid to enter it and that it's like a museum. Well, it's definitely pretty off-putting, but I think it's more like the sort of room you'd find yourself in when picking out a casket: trying hard to be tasteful and pleasant, but not too cheery or inviting. Seriously, it's so formal and stiff. It's really one of the deadest "before" rooms I've ever seen on this show. The walls are the best part: they're done in wide vertical stripes of beige paint, in alternating sheens of flat and satin/semigloss so that the striped effect is subtly emphasized. While I'm not crazy about stripes, this is very nicely and neatly done. There's beige carpet and white crown molding. One of the biggest problems in the room is the mishmash of furniture: there's a simple couch in a style that's trying to bridge traditional and contemporary, upholstered in a beige fabric with a strong rosy cast, and opposite that is a more traditional side chair upholstered in a flowered fabric with an equally traditional side table, both in a darker brown wood. In between is a large square pine coffee table, very country-casual, in a warm orangey-yellow tone that clashes in both colour and style with the other wood in the room. On another side of the coffee table are two armless side chairs upholstered in a tone-on-tone red stripe which look like they belong at a dining-room table. They're the kind that have every inch upholstered, including the legs. Behind those chairs on the wall is an arrangement of four pictures that is far too small and insignificant for the huge amount of wall space they're on. There's a little old-fashioned cabinet in the corner with some dried arrangement and a candle on it. Opposite these red chairs on the other side of the table is a chunky armless upholstered side chair in what looks like a dark brown colour. The windows behind that chair have short hanks of off-white fabric, with a thin black pinstripe border, swagged across the top as window treatments. Let's all stop inflicting "window treatments" on our windows and look into some curtains or blinds. Please. If there's anything you can do to windows to make them look more uninviting or affected or stage set-y than these drape-y, swag-y treatments, I don't want to know about it. Once I convince everybody to stop putting up pointless, tasteless wallpaper borders, ludicrous window treatments are on the shit list. There are pillows in various different and unrelated florals on most of the furniture. There's a candle surrounded by another dried (or possibly fake) arrangement on the coffee table. When a room is already dead and uninviting, arrangements of dried or fake vegetation only underline the arid, unappealing effect. Also on the coffee table is a silver tray with two martini glasses and a pair of white cups and saucers. Beside it on the table is a CD in its case, propped open so it stands up. Huh? I suppose they are trying to convince someone that this room is an inviting place to relax, have drinks and listen to music, but I'm not sure if they're trying to convince themselves, their guests, or the viewer. That's just so...contrived-looking.

Becky says that the room might as well be roped off because people come in and look at it, but are not interested in going in there. Maybe they've already bought their caskets. Bill says that they'd like it to be a room that's more comfortable and a place to have drinks before or after dinner. Becky likes the colours in their living room. She says it's very dark. It doesn't seem like it would be, but who can tell with the TV lights? She says that, at night, the couple of lamps they have in there don't provide enough light for a conversation. Becky doesn't like pastel colours, and says that the rest of their house has a lot of dark greens, burgundies, and yellows and she doesn't want the designer to use colours that don't go with the rest of the house. I think Becky looks like a less flinty Helen Hunt.

Key swap. MPDP wonders if the HOs' perkiness will relieve her of her responsibilities on that front.

Bill and Becky find Gen on Jacob's bed under a big orange, black, and white Philadelphia Flyers...something. Towel? Blanket? Oh, who cares? It's got a sports logo on it! Gen -- who looks very cute (if not task-appropriate) in a black shirt and light grey glen plaid kickpleated skirt -- wants to do a fun, playful, whimsical, but cool room. Gen blathers on as Bill and Becky nod; Gen tells them that they're going to use greens and a racing stripe, and that there will be a huge new bed and new curtains and lighting. Gen mentions that Becky's a graphic designer too, so that will be helpful. They empty the room. MPDP dances around with the top half of SpongeBob on her. It's SpongeMip TightPants!

Chris and Betsy charge into their neighbours' house, Chris barking, "Vern! Vern! Vern! Vern! Vern!" They find Vern perched on one of the red chairs, saying he feels very underdressed for this space. (He's wearing a t-shirt and shorts.) He finds it a "little formal." About the only thing missing is doilies and antimacassars. Betsy says that they want to see the room become more casual and conducive to "after-dinner fun." ["I hope that isn't some new euphemism for swinging." -- Wing Chun] Vern says that they're going to create a "dynamic environment for adults." He says that they're going to recover the sofa, reuse the coffee table, give Bill and Becky a dynamic ceiling treatment, add new seating and a bar space, put up new window treatments, and paint the walls. They unload the room

Gen reveals her paints: white and black for a horizontal racing stripe around the room. The wall colour is an acid green. Or spring green, or leaf green, or chartreuse, or pea green, depending on your perception. A very vibrant, yellowy-green. I like it.

Vern's got a warm yellow for his walls -- like melted butter. Nice.

Gen agrees that the paint colour is "pea soup" and insists that it's lovely. I think pea soup is a muddier green than this, but whatever. Gen says that Jacob loves green. She's also got a quart of Pylon Orange, or maybe Flyers Orange would be more to the point. She says that maybe they're going to paint the shelves that colour. She says that the orange will come into the room in subtle punches.

Vern shows his team a rich red paint. Betsy gasps, "Oh, my gosh!" Frink can't get over the way people enthuse over the paint colours they like. He calls it "paintgasm." Vern says that they'll be painting the new entertainment centre that colour, and that it's going on the ceiling as well, where they've taped off a rectangle in the centre, with perhaps an eighteen-inch border between it and the crown molding.

MPDP tells Gen and her team that they've got some scary colours going on. Becky expresses some reservation about the colour. Gen insists that it has to be a bright, spring green.

As they paint, Betsy asks Chris what colour he thinks Jacob's room will be. Chris thinks anything but pink would be fantastic. Betsy thinks it will be red, blue, and yellow. They're happy about the yellow they're painting, since they think Becky will like it a lot and that it will brighten up the room.

Gen explains that they're going to build a low platform, which she calls a stage, in the "nook" area and sink two double beds into it.

Vern discusses carpentry with Amy Wynn. He wants her to build a piece, which will be flanked by two ready-made pieces he's bought, all of which together will create a bar/entertainment unit.

Gen continues explaining that the stage will be covered in black carpet, and that there will be a big white curtain that will separate the sleep area from the play area, so that if Jacob's brothers want to play and Jacob wants privacy, he can have that.

Vern wants Amy Wynn to make a low central unit that will go between the two taller cabinets he 's already bought, to form a sort of bar surface. Vern says he's going to be doing a specialty finish on the doors, so if there's any way he could get those soon, that would rock. He'd like to have the cabinet by the end of the day so that they could do it for homework. Amy Wynn doesn't see why not.

Gen is painting. The observant viewer will note that she has one foot in the paint tray. Bill says, "Hey, Gen..." Gen: "I know, I know. I know, I know, I know!" She giggles and says she didn't want to make a scene out of it. Isn't it sort of her job to make a scene out of every little thing? She says she was trying to seem professional. Well, hope springs eternal. While Bill wipes up her foot with some paper towel, she turns to the camera and says pointedly, "This is why I don't wear shoes." Frink: "Other people just don't step in the paint." He's such a Vulcan about these things.

Chris starts rolling the red paint on the ceiling. Chris and Betsy think it's going to be phenomenal.

Gen's all excited to do the carpentry scene with Amy Wynn, but Amy Wynn's all business. Gen explains that she wants the room to be two levels; the platform will be a foot off the floor.

Vern, Betsy, and MPDP are working on the coffee table, which they are going to cover with Italian glass mosaic tiles in cream, copper, and brown colours. Vern has 1,244 of them and he has divided them equally into four quadrants. As he expounds on what he calls "calculated randomness," MPDP makes googly eyes at one tile and says, "This one has glitter." Thanks, Mindy. Vern and MPDP laugh about the "calculated randomness" as Betsy wonders how much all this is going to cost. Vern says that it will be about $75-$80.

Gen's still explaining to Amy Wynn the various options for recessing the mattresses into the floor. I'm not sure I understand why there are going to be two beds. I mean, sure, the kid probably has friends sleep over now, but in barely any time at all he'll probably hit that silly stage where he and his friends go to the movies or get on the bus and all sit at least one seat apart so nobody will think they're fags, God forbid. (It's bad enough when teenage boys do this but I must say I find it especially pathetic when I see men older than that do it -- and I see it a lot. Grow up.) Maybe Jacob will be a fine and admirable exception to this, though. She says that there will be two desks rising from the platform on either side. She says they're to be "man-sized" desks, not nine-year-olds' desks: "We're talking, like, 'Hi, I'm twenty, and this is still a cool desk.'"

Vern, MPDP, and Betsy have begun applying tiles to the centre of the coffee table. Betsy tattles on MPDP: "Paige isn't staying within her quadrant." Vern thanks her for her quality-control efforts. MPDP can't believe Vern actually counted out all these tiles. He did. She just kills herself laughing over that. She says she's proud of him, but she keeps asking about it, as if she can't quite understand that he really did that. This, from a woman who dusts her false ceilings. She asks whether there are an equal number of each colour of tile in each tray of tiles. There are. MPDP: "The sad thing is, I really understand that."

Bill and Gen work on art. They're prying backings off framed pictures. She shows him some pictures she bought at a sports collectibles store: two pictures of Flyers players, one of which is autographed. She doesn't know who they are, and says that Bill will have to tell her who they are. One is the goalie and the other guy is Jeremy somebody. In case this is the first recap of mine you've ever read: please don't write and tell me their names. I don't care. ["No need: Roenick." -- Wing Chun] Gen says she asked some nine-year-olds in the store who the cool players were, and these were the guys they suggested. They'll probably have been traded by the time this recap is posted.