Orlando: Whisper Lakes

MPDP appears in a Mickey Mouse T-shirt. Frink's taking Mickey Mouse as a comment on the quality of a lot of the work on this show. She's at Disney World, in front of a statue of Walt (that old fascist) holding Mickey's hand. Cut to Hildi, Frank, and Amy Wynn clowning around with Minnie, Goofy, and Pluto. Bet it's insufferably hot in those costumes. Well, at least the anti-union Disney Corp. can no longer force the workers to share their underwear. I'm not sure what's so damn magical about scabies and lice. Hmm. Cranky, much? Well, you try recapping the same damn thing for forty-five weeks.

Cut to the homeowners, also clowning at WDW. Laura, who looks not a little like Mary Lou Retton and who wants her living room fixed up, is being helped by her friend Tim. Jennifer and Dennis want their family room beached up. Back to MPDP, accompanied by Mickey, Minnie, Donald Duck, Goofy, and Pluto, doing a sort of quasi-key swap kind of segment. She explains the rules while all the characters nod and react.

Here's the family room to be beachified. Jennifer and Dennis want a "fun, friendly, functional family room." It's one of those rooms that's glass and screens on at least two sides, which to a Canadian like myself looks like a sunroom or enclosed porch, but is probably a very normal room for Florida. The floor is something brown, the colour of wet sand, maybe carpet, maybe some kind of stone. There's a squat white fireplace in the corner with a black chimney pipe coming out of it. It looks so wrong and weird to my eye to see a fireplace in the corner of a glassed-in, porch-like room. They have a sectional sofa to which Frink has a really strong negative reaction, while I'm engrossed in trying to figure out if they bought it that way or slipcovered it themselves: it's mostly a taupe-y off-white, with solid blue seat cushions and striped back cushions in red, blue, taupe, white, yellow, coral, and maybe black, or that could be a thin stripe of dark blue. Anyway. Yikes. From any distance the blue in the pillows doesn't show up that much, so the whole thing just looks really uncoordinated, like someone amalgamated three different sofas. Actually, it kind of looks like Frank already got to it. There's a wicker sofa table behind it, and a pine entertainment centre in the corner with the TV in it. Children's toys are placed here and there.

Dennis says it's their "everything room." Jennifer says their house is "themed beach" and they would like to make this room look "beach cottage-y." She mentions there's wainscoting around the room, though it must be about a foot high since I can't see any of it. They're hoping something can be done with their "bleah" fireplace, maybe a mantel or something. Right now there are lots and lots of framed pictures on top of it. Jennifer assures viewers that they do use the fireplace in Florida. She points out something else they hate about the room, which is that there's a sill or shelf a few inches deep between the bottom of the windows and the top of the wainscoting, and it's filled with some kind of brown gravel or pebbles cemented together. Yeah. That's not attractive at all. Maybe somebody thought it would be good for plants or something. They want that gone.

Laura wants her "country" living room spiced up. She's got a McMansion-ish living room with the high angled ceiling and almost complete lack of architectural detail. Some of the walls are white and some are green; the carpet is beige. The green is like what hospital green would be if it decided to be really cheery and make an effort. She's got a whole suite of furniture in an enormous green-and-white plaid pattern that clashes slightly with the green on the walls. The accent pillows are all in the same colours with plaid/gingham patterns in decreasing scale. She's got a country-ish pine coffee table and matching end tables. There are white vertical blinds on the patio doors and a ceiling fan. Laura loves the colour and the pattern of the couches, which are eight years old. She loves the "country feel." She refers to a framed picture in her living room, which is of a field of wildflowers in muted, cloudy pastels. She loves the warm feeling of this picture and refers to the purples, yellows, greens, and pinks in it, saying she would love to see something like that. Man, it's really too bad she's not getting Frank. Tim puts in his two cents, saying that Laura's a "very young, hip chick" and that it doesn't have to be country. He thinks the room can handle any style. Translation: "Please, God, deliver my friend from this snooze of a room."

Key swap. They're in front of Carpentry World, and Amy Wynn's running around in the background. I can't remember any other key swap where another member of the cast was in the background. But who knows? At this point if I could remember my middle name I'd be doing well. Jennifer and Dennis have enough luggage for a month in Norway at Christmastime. As they ineptly run off to their respective tasks, Dennis comes back to give MPDP a peck on the cheek. She chuckles and says, "Wooing will get you nowhere. You can't woo me!"

Jennifer and Dennis find Hildi sitting on the sofa examining fabric. Dennis gives her a peck on the cheek, so Hildi makes sure to give Jennifer a kiss, too. They agree the room is boring and needs a complete change. Jennifer insists that Laura is exciting and fun and young. MPDP comes in all of a sudden. Since when does she get to be in on the meet 'n' greet? I usually find that her first appearance after the key swap comes at approximately the twelve-minute mark. Hildi tells them they're going to be making a buttload of slipcovers. They're also building a wall. MPDP shrieks: "What?" See, this is why you're not invited to the meet 'n' greet. You're not supposed to find out what's going on until it's too late. Hildi says they're painting the room a totally different colour. They empty the room.

Laura and Tim find Frank studying an 8 x 10 glossy of Dennis stuck to the TV, upon which he's written, "Frank -- I love your work...I only hope I still do on Friday! Dennis." Um, okay. Why does this guy have 8 x 10 glossies of himself? It's never explained. Any chance that there was going to be a love train for this guy just got derailed. There's just something way too smarmy about that. I mean, sure, leave a note. (For all the good it would do.) I doubt Frank wants or needs a signed photo of you, even if you are some sort of local celebrity. Now you're going to be known as "8 x 10 Glossy Guy." Way to go. Frank reads the message aloud and laughs a fake-evil laugh, saying, "Fat chance. This room is mine!" He tells his team he's on a power trip. He says he's seeing a "bleached-out Nantucket beach house...sort of East Coast Nantucket, not bright like the rest of the house, but more subdued." He wants to put a mosaic on the fireplace. Ew -- the top of it has that same gravel surface as the window sill. Frank wants to cover those window sills with wood. He wants to do a distressed finish on the wainscoting, and to slipcover the sofa. They clear the room.

Hildi reveals her paint, flinging some strong orange-toned red onto the walls as Jennifer squeals. Please, not a spatter-painted room. Dennis pretends to taste it. Jennifer says she loves it. Dennis calls out, "Paint fight! Paint fight!" Dude, dial it down. We're not even at the first commercial and you're getting on my nerves -- which are, admittedly, frayed, but still. Hildi says it's not a paint fight room, and paints the word "no" on the wall to underline her point. Dennis gets up and starts painting a heart on the wall, saying, "We love it! We love it!"

Frank hauls in a heavy box of tile and tosses it on the floor. Of course, it all breaks. Laura and Tim react as you'd expect. Tim can't stop reacting. I think Tim might need a tranquilizer before the end of the show. Frank gets them to sit down with him around the tile: "Let Uncle Frank talk about this." He picks up a piece and says, "See these? These are broken shards." Frink and I burst out laughing, from the redundancy of the phrase, the utter obviousness of the comment, and the overall silliness of the material. Frink thinks that's the funniest thing Frank's ever said. They're going to put a tile mosaic on the fireplace. We're still laughing so much that the first time around I don't hear Tim tell Frank he's brilliant. Frank: "I get that all the time."

Back to Hildi's room, where she and Dennis are painting various symbols and shapes on the wall. She says all the walls are going to be that colour, including the wee, pointless half-wall by the entry which she "can't stand," and adds that they're building a new wall. There? Or somewhere else? Dennis is very enthusiastic about the room, and that seems be getting Hildi pretty wired up.

Frank says he has three boxed of tiles, but he only wants to break them up one box at a time, because he thinks he's "as usual" over budget and would like to return whatever they don't need. He says if he can't get it under $1000, he can always lie: "I'm not beneath that." Meaning, of course, not above that. The bumper to the commercial is MPDP dancing with the Disney characters.

Hildi and her team discuss whether this colour is going to spice up Laura's life. They think so, saying that it should spice up one aspect of her life, and that most of her life is spicy. Dennis: "She needs some more spice in her life." Jennifer: "But that's A Dating Story." Hildi says the shows "crisscross back and forth" and maybe they can hook Laura up.

Frank mortars the fireplace.

Hildi says that once they've spiced up Laura's life, she can get some TLC, by which she means "tender loving care" and not the network. Dennis outlines their plan for Laura: "Trading Spaces, first, A Dating Story, A Wedding Story, A Baby Story." Frink: "A Divorce Story." Me: "Yeah, why don't they have that?" Frink: "Can't be much longer." Me: "But they should call it Shouting Match, even though it screws with the pattern." Frink: "Or All Over Except for the Shouting."

Frank sticks some of those custom-broken shards onto the mortar. They discuss the size of the gaps for the grout.

Jennifer tells Dennis she's so relieved about the colour. Dennis asks, "Hey...did you see the way Hildi was flirting with me?" Jennifer: "No." Dennis: "What's going on with her?" Jennifer: "You wish." Dennis: "You think it's the passionate red?" Oy. Stop. Trying. So. Hard.

MPDP comes into Frank's room and starts asking questions. Frank tells her his plans.