South Carolina: Innisbrook Lane

MPDP does the opening from a South Carolina cul-de-sac, aided by about three dozen Trading Spaces groupies who all wave signs and cheer. Laurie and Frank amble up to the new carpenter -- yep, that's right, new carpenter -- whose name is Carter Oosterhouse (first two syllables rhyme with toaster, if MPDP can be trusted). He's sitting to a statue of some guy. The new guy is just insanely pretty: tall, dark, lanky, great smile. Frink and I agree that he looks like Evan "Joe Millionaire" Marriott, but about fifty times better and way less Neanderthal. Boy, Ty must be pissed. He's going to look like an old boot to this guy. Laurie drags Frank off kicking and screaming, for no apparent reason. She's wearing a Missoni-style blouse, unflattering brown pants, and the python mules. Enough with the python mules already. The homeowners are Julie and Steve, and Tracee and Brian, who want their family rooms done. Steve and Julie's family has cream-coloured walls and beige carpet. They have a whole suite of big furniture upholstered in a yellow, white, and green print that I am 99% sure is a Croscill sheet pattern. If not, it's very nearly identical. Not good. It's not even a great look for sheets, and it's just dreadful on furniture. This furniture is piped in black. They've arranged the furniture quite oddly; they've got one of those chair-and-a-half chairs right in front of the fireplace. I suppose they never use the fireplace, but that just looks bad. The windows have white blinds on them and the ubiquitous valance: these ones are the puffy, ruffly, big-saggy-diaper look in solid yellow. Bleah. There's a Papasan chair and stool tucked into the corner near the window. Julie and Steve have an open-front entertainment centre in a warm orangey wood tone, and lots of toys in the room. Steve and Julie say that they spend 85% of their time there. They say they've seen the pattern on their furniture everywhere now, and they want something unique. Steve isn't sure they'd be crazy about bold, primary colours. Julie wants to walk in and think she's somewhere else. Steve wants not to recognize the place.

Brian and Tracee have what appears to be much the same family room, though at least they haven't placed a chair in front of their fireplace. The room is open to the kitchen/eating area. They have white walls, beige carpet, and upholstered furniture in neutral shades of taupey-beige and soft green, in addition to a large ottoman upholstered in some flowery fabric. There's a large armoire to the fireplace and a huger-than-usual assortment of toys. Their curtains -- which appear a mossy green here -- seem to clash with the green chair in front of them. They also spend all their free time in their family room. They are overwhelmed with toys. The fireplaces in this house is ridiculous. The top of it is angled with the ceiling, which I think looks weird enough in a simple, very modern room, but it's all done up with angled molding, and it's just silly. Tracee knows the room is pretty bland right now. She likes earth tones and autumn colours. I figure she's gotta get Laurie. Brian and Tracee want a warm and comfortable room. Tracee would like it if the room could be designed so that toys could be left out during the day, but quickly put away during the evening to transform it into a more adult space.

Key swap. The two women pretend to run back to their own houses. Oh, the wacky hijinx never stop! MPDP: "Shenanigans! Shenanigans!"

Julie and Steve find Frank kneeling over the ottoman, his head in his hands, moaning over and over, "We're doomed...we're doomed...we won't be out of here for three weeks." Frank carries on about how much painting there is to do. Julie suggests storage for the toys. Steve agrees, and thinks they need colour. Frank plans to slipcover the sofa, reupholster the ottoman, and "put a little something" on the chair. Not chickens, I hope. He's bringing in a large rug and moving the entertainment centre. There are going to be some kind of boxes added to the side of the entertainment centre for the toys, and Frank says they're on their own for the bigger stuff. Frank says that they need to do something to the fireplace to make it more distinctive; he's thinking about a "paper treatment" in the panelled areas. They clear the room. During the sequence, Steve pretends to dry-hump Julie on the couch. Okay, he doesn't really; they just sort of make out, or pretend to. But I never get to use the expression "dry-hump." I recap this, and The West Wing, for God's sake. There's probably more sex on Little House on the Prairie. (And no, we're not recapping that.) Man, I can't tell these homeowners apart. I just wrote this whole section using the names "Brian and Tracee" and it's the other couple, so I had to change it. They really need to look into less interchangeable HOs.

Brian carries Tracee in over his shoulder. They find Laurie, who can't wait to help these people rearrange their furniture in some kind of sensible way. Laurie's getting rid of the "chair-and-a-half" permanently. Tracee suggests something new, entertainment centre-wise. Laurie says it will be completely transformed. Brian wants to get rid of the "1970s Papasan chair." Laurie says it's outta there. Frink pouts. "Why does everyone hate Papasan chairs?" I pat his knee gently and say, "Because they have no style, sweetie." He complains, "But they're so comfortable!" Me: "I know. But things can be attractive and comfortable, though I know you can't usually tell by this show." Laurie says that because the room is open to the kitchen, they're going to use an "enhanced version" (which can only mean: something more yellowy, whatever the kitchen colour is) and bring it into the room with some bold stripes. Oy, with the stripes again. You'll all be quite stunned to learn that fabrics are key in this room: one of them even inspired the room! Gesturing to the ceiling fan, Laurie says they're "taking down that li'l booger" and putting in a new light. Pardon me: a "wonderful light fixture." Anyway, it's all about the colour and the fabrics. They unload the room.

Frank reveals his paint: it's a peachy, melon-y colour. No, wait! That's on the bad TV. It's actually a warm, soft, attractive yellow. Frank asks if they think their neighbours will like it. Steve doubtfully says, "No." Frank, genuinely concerned: "They won't?" Steve punches him on the arm and Julie laughs, "We love it!" The camera cuts away on Frank doing an extremely alarming imitation of a heart attack.

Laurie pulls a scrap of fabric out of her shirt sleeve: "Wala!" Meaning, of course, "Voilà!" She presents the fabric with a flourish and fondles it: it's a chartreuse-y green with a muted white stripe. She says they'll make pillows out of it and then base the stripes on the wall on it.

Frank and his team debate the need for one or two coats of paint. The colour looks really nice on the walls -- very rich and appealing. Steve thinks it's going on pretty rich and creamy. They yammer about texture and whether you can say the word "texture" on cable. Whatever. Steve says, "I think Frank has a rich and creamy texture about him, too." Frank glares at Steve from the ladder.

Laurie reveals her paint. It's a strong kind of celadon colour, which she says is a deeper version of the kitchen colour. It's nice, but I don't see it with that fabric. She says that this colour will be the colour of the stripe in the chartreuse fabric, which looked white to me, but maybe it is this colour. Actually, on close-up, I see that it is indeed that colour, and has a thin white border on each side of each stripe. Laurie then shows a fairly bright yellow paint which is going to flank some white in the wall stripes, or something. I can't detect any singular yellow in that fabric, but clearly, Laurie finds yellow wherever it's to be found. Then she reveals a fairly acid green, which is the main colour of the fabric. My immediate suspicion is that this cannot be rendered in paint with nearly the subtlety that it has been in fabric. Certainly not in two days, mostly by amateurs. It's a very tough combination to pull off.

Frank tells Steve where to paint. They gripe about how big the room is.

Laurie yammers about the plan for stripes. Laurie says that yellow is serving as a bright accent in this room, and calls the sorta-celadon colour turquoise, which I really don't see as turquoise. It's much more jade than turquoise. Laurie gets ribbed about comparing one of the colours to one of the stripes in her shirt. Tracee asks, "Did you plan that?" Laurie laughs and talks about how she gets so into the planning of a room. She's "feeling it."

Steve and Frank pretend they've decided not to finish the room and to just go play golf or something. Golf? Right. I bet Frank would rather make dollies.

Laurie measures the walls and starts marking stripes. Tracee suggests that if Julie and Steve don't like it, they can use it as a growth chart for their kids.

MPDP arrives. She remarks on the annoyingly squeaky roller Julie's gotten stuck with.

Okay. If you were dozing off, now's the time to wake up. Yow: check out the new eye candy. Very pretty indeed. I guess since they're planning 80+ shows season, and Ty's assclown routine wore thin about nine hundred episodes ago, they need to bring in some new talent. Unfortunately, this episode doesn't give us much of a chance to experience his personality, or on the other hand, maybe this is it, and we'll have to be grateful that he's at least easy on the retinas, unlike so much on this show. Laurie comes out to talk to Carter about her coffee table. She makes sure to put her hand gently on his back. Frink: "Hands off, Laurie. You're married." Carter listens and responds but seems nervous, biting his lips, almost as if to keep himself from bursting out into nervous laughter. Laurie wants a coffee table with no sharp edges, because of the kids, and with drawers underneath that pull out from each quarter of the table. I have to say, I just dread seeing Gen with Carter. Me to Frink: "Man, he's gonna popular." Frink: "Uh...yeah. Wonder what Ty thinks?" I figure Ty's busy with his honkin' book deal anyway. ["Ty got a book deal? I need a new agent." -- Wing Chun]

MPDP remarks on how big the room is. I think we've got it now: the room? It's big. Still, there are a lot of windows, very wide entranceways from the hall and kitchen, and they're not painting the ceiling. Suck it up. Steve mentions that Frank compared it to an airplane hangar; MPDP says that Frank often gets the airplane hangars, because "he can do so much with paint, he can fit the airplane hangar into the budget."

Carter pushes his hair away from his face a lot. That'll probably be annoying for those not riveted by his looks. Laurie wants the top of the coffee table to be a piece of Plexiglas under which she's going to put a piece of fabric. I don't know that Plexiglas is the ideal surface for a coffee table. Doesn't it scratch and stain pretty easily? That's been my experience. Laurie says that they're painting the table, so he can make it from MDF.

Frank and Tracee embellish lamps. He's got some plain white wooden lamps, and they're going to stick scrapbooking paper around the bases.

Laurie wants Carter to add some doors to the entertainment unit. He smiles adorably and says that's easy. Somewhere in the background, Eddie the Master Carpenter snorts and curses under his breath. Laurie says that Carter will have to come take the measurements, and pats him on the chest. Does she touch Ty this much? (Does Ty touch Ty this much?)

Frank applies decoupage medium, the better to decoupage with. I find these craft project segments pretty tedious.

MPDP arrives in Laurie's room. She seems to approve of the colour. She tries to stir up concern about the colour, but fails.

Frank does the "what about your room" thing with Tracee. She says that she trusts Laurie completely, and thinks she might be doing something contemporary. She adds, "Maybe something 'butter yellow,' you never know." They talk about how the colour they're using is very Laurie, though Frank points out, "She'd call it something like 'amber cream,' 'buttermilk fawn,' or something...I love the way she says, 'You know, I think this would be just perfect here, don't you?' She's so cute." Aw. Even though he's ragging on her, it's pretty gentle.

Brian and Carter have a bunch of "what up?" exchanges. Carter: "Now we have to go outside for some manly stuff...you ready for this? Yeah, you been waitin' all day for this, right?" Golly, with dialogue like this, maybe I'll need more expressions like "dry-humping" in the immediate future. Carter explains the coffee table project.

MPDP drops into a bedroom where Sewing World is set up and Steve is sewing some navy curtains for the room. Frank's lying on the bed in the background, fondling and fluffing cotton batting and stuffing pillows. MPDP suddenly turns her head and notices Frank there for the first time. Frank asks her to peel him a grape as Steve says he was hoping MPDP would start talking about Frank before she noticed him.

Carter continues instructing Brian on the coffee table.

Frank explains to MPDP that they're sewing the ready-made drapes because they need to be shortened. She wants to know whether he's going to use the excess for pillows. Frank: "No way!" Me to Frink: "Yeah, because then they'd coordinate. God forbid."

Carter holds some wood for Brian to nail. Carter: "You got some nice nails there, Brian."

MPDP advocates the creation of a "little lumbar pillow" from the excess curtain material. Frank questions the need for such a thing, but Steve likes the idea. Frank is unconvinced.

Carter asks Brian what he thinks of the room so far. Brian thinks it's great. Carter says that the boxes will help, because the kids can put all their toys in them. Frink thinks they should make the parents some Skinner boxes, so they can put all their kids in them. Carter wishes he had big boxes like that when he was a kid: "But I didn't have any toys, so what are you gonna do, y'know? Back in the day, you know? Boy, I tell you...when I was younger...Whoo...We didn't have any of this stuff..." Brian: "What, two or three years ago?" Heh. Carter: "Oh! I see how it is!" The bumper to the commercial is Carter chatting up the statue. I hope that's not an indicator of his IQ level.