“ The room's got beige carpet. Why, when my mother told me I needed something to 'fall back on' in case this whole crazy writing thing didn't work, did I not realize that manufacturing beige and off-white carpet was the business to be in? ”
MPDP/ jeans/ sweater/ Ambler, Pennsylvania/ Hildi/ Laurie/ Amy Wynn. God. Eighty episodes year? Really? Laurie is teetering around in a wooded area in stiletto-heeled mules. You know you're in trouble when Hildi's more sensibly shod than you are. The first pair of homeowners is Scott and Debbie, who have two daughters, and are hoping to get their master bedroom back. The daughters, I would guess, are probably about three, and maybe five or six. Apparently, the girls have insisted on sleeping in their parents' room in sleeping bags on the floor ever since they moved into this house a year ago. It's not like they've got a giant monkey face on their wall or whatever ("Can't sleep...monkey will eat me.") Sounds like a parenting issue to me, not a decorating issue, but whatever. ["Here's where a Trading Spaces/Dr. Phil crossover would have been useful for everyone." -- Wing Chun] The girls' room has white walls and ceiling, beige carpet, and pink and yellow bedding. There are two windows on one wall, and that's about it for architectural features. There's a white dresser set, and a few girly details here and there: fairy paintings, a fancy little bistro set, etc. Debbie says that her daughters want a very girly theme (princesses/ fairies/ flowers); the girls are not tomboys. They will be if you keep pushing that crap. Cut to Scott and Debbie trying to convince their girls to say they'll sleep in their room if they get a pretty room. The older one reluctantly complies. You can tell who runs this show.
The other neighbours -- Scott, who apparently goes by "Newman," and Ellen -- have two boys...and one of the most relentlessly boring and uninspired dining rooms ever. Ellen says they mostly use the room for storage. It's got beige carpet. Why, when my mother told me I needed something to "fall back on" in case this whole crazy writing thing didn't work, did I not realize that manufacturing beige and off-white carpet was the business to be in? The only thing I've seen more of on this show than white walls is goddamn beige and off-white carpet. The walls seem to be an off-white above the chair rail and a light taupey colour below. The ceiling looks like a soft, dull yellow. They have an ugly glass dining-room table in beige and uglier beige highback chairs with even uglier upholstered seats and basketweave backs. Frank would love the pattern on these seat cushions, which should tell you all you need to know about it. There's a nondescript beige cabinet on the wall and one of those chandeliers with loopy arms and bowl-like upright shades. Also in beige. Even the tchotchkes in the cabinet are incredibly dull and colourless. Not only could I not remember enough about this room to describe it at gunpoint, I can barely tell you what it looks like as I stare at the screen. There's a bay window at the back of the room with some kind of translucent blinds on it. Ooh! There's a ficus in the corner. Probably fake, but it's the most colourful and compelling thing in the room. Sad.
“ Ellen: 'I hope Hildi doesn't wreck our house.' I hope one day people wise up and stop applying for this show since they don't seem to be able to accept the considerable risks involved, but ain't neither of us going to get what we want. ”
Ellen says that her and Scott's style used to be very contemporary but that it's changed now, while their dining room hasn't. She never says what their style is now, but I'm betting it's probably more traditional. Where else would they go? I'm pretty sure whatever their current style is, it could not be described as "freak show." Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Scott hopes the room comes out better than it is now. He thinks it would be nice if the room were more colourful. Ellen admits to being nervous about having Hildi in their house. Translation: "Yeah, I'm another one of these dopes who thinks she's going to get on this show and get Vern or somebody reliable, but not Hildi. Or Kia. Or Doug or Gen on one of their bad days." This club should get jackets made. Ellen's hoping someone will take Hildi's glue gun away from her. Good luck with that, Ellen. Maybe you should just hope your dining room will bore Hildi to death before she can get started. Take the tree out, you might stand a chance. Anyway, I think Hildi's more into the dramatic action and sound effects provided by electric staplers than those wussy glue guns. Of course, Ellen adds that she doesn't think there's much that would make the room look worse than it does now: "We'll see." Yes, you will. Or you would, except that you'll be blinded by the megawattage. Oops, ahead of myself again.
Key swap. Newman is wearing a shirt that has "Whose Idea Was This Anyway?" fabric-painted on the front. It's determined that it was Ellen's and/or Debbie's idea. Right. Because so often it's the men who are jonesing to be on this show. Frink: "'Let's see...I can spend the weekend scratching my nuts and farting while I watch the game, or I can work like a dog on my neighbour's house while God knows what happens to mine. No contest. Trading Spaces it is!'" Then again, no need to get hung up on gender stereotypes.
As Ellen enters her neighbours' house, she says, "I hope Hildi doesn't wreck our house." I hope one day people wise up and stop applying for this show since they don't seem to be able to accept the considerable risks involved, but ain't neither of us going to get what we want. Scott and Ellen find Laurie bursting with excitement over doing the room for Hayley and Kendall. (All My Children fan, much?) There's more discussion about calling Scott "Newman" instead of "Scott." Why? Just because the other guy's name is Scott? We've had homeowners and cast members and all that with duplicate names before. Ellen's idea for the room, like that of 98.97% of all other HOs, is to bring some colour into it. She wants to make it girly. Laurie's all about "fun," "bold," and "girly." Laurie suggests a mural. She says they're going to do whimsical headboards. Frink: "Whimsical yellow! Whimsical orange! Whimsical brown!" Laurie says it will be a "more is more" room. The room is emptied.
Hildi announces to Scott and Debbie that the dining room is "dead." I have to concur. They all agree that it needs colour. Scott thinks there needs to be something on the table. I guess he's envisioning something other than a nasty shade of yellow...like maybe a nice bowl of fruit or something. Hildi says they're keeping the chairs, but that the table's going, and so is the cabinet. In a tone of voice that you would use to say something like, "Why don't we go to this restaurant tonight?" Hildi suggests making it an unconventional dining room. They're going to bring in colour, put up new window treatments, close off the dining room from the rest of the house, and put in a new table. And she's got some big-ass light fixture with which she plans to keep Amy Wynn busy. Hildi says they don't have a lot of projects, but that the ones they have are labour-intensive. They unload the room.
“ Debbie thinks her neighbours thought they would paint a different colour below the chair rail and then a different colour above it. Oh, you mean exactly like it is now, except in a different dull combination? ”
Laurie's walls are going to be a vibrant apple green. She says they're not going for "mamby- [sic] pamby" pastels: "We are [sic] bold, powerful colour in here, okay?" Frink: "We are not girly pastels; we are manly pastels." The headboard fabric is a plaid in soft pink, white, and apple green.
MPDP comes into the dining room and announces that the chair molding's gone, which of course, we can see, because they're sanding and patching the wall behind it. Scott thinks his neighbours might be upset about losing the chair rail. Oh, geez. This is pretty minor in the scheme of things. Hildi wonders what Newman and Ellen are expecting. Debbie doesn't know. MPDP points out that they've done things like this a lot, and wonders how they could not expect it. Beats me, MPDP. I am so tired of people who say and do whatever it takes to get on TV and then complain about the most predictable and trivial things that I could scream. Five more episodes and I might start screaming and not stop. Debbie thinks her neighbours thought they would paint a different colour below the chair rail and then a different colour above it. Oh, you mean exactly like it is now, except in a different dull combination? Oy. Hildi leans over to Debbie, who's crouching, and asks, "Did they know who was coming to dinner?" Lady, Katharine Hepburn would slap your crazy ass into the galaxy, and don't you ever forget it. On the bumper to the commercial, MPDP practices walking, or something.
Laurie rambles that it took her forty-five minutes last night to mix the "pear green" colour. Ellen: "To match your shirt?" Laurie's shirt is an unattractive print in pink, yellow, apple green, and black. Or maybe it's brown. I don't care. Those are not the best-fitting pants I've ever seen on Laurie. What's with her clothes this season? She's all over the map. She's wearing the python mules, by the way.
Hildi discusses carpentry with Amy Wynn. She's planning on making an non-elliptical table elliptical. I'm not sure how; maybe simply by the force of her will. Hildi wants a large overhead fixture in the same shape, with dozens of light bulbs mounted in it. She keeps drawing little circles to represent all these bulbs. She says that's how you get to fifty-three. Fifty-three bulbs? The hell? Amy Wynn watches Hildi draw these circles, wondering why Amy Wynn didn't just become a veterinarian or something, until Hildi says, "Feel free to grab a pencil and help me out here." And yes, it sounds even bitchier than it looks written out.
Laurie holds a paint roller but doesn't actually paint as she yaks with Ellen about why she's nervous about her dining room being done. Laurie reminds her that she signed up for a game -- a "game of risk and jeopardy."
Hildi tells Amy Wynn how to install the bulbs. Amy Wynn: "Love it."
“ Debbie: 'What colour is that? Black?' Man. Nothing gets by her. ”
Ellen tells Newman she hasn't really seen an episode on which Hildi hasn't done something a little crazy. And yet, that didn't stop you from applying. Why is that? Newman thinks Scott will protect them. Denial and delusion: two great tastes that taste great together! Ellen: "I wonder what colour they're going to go with?"
Cut to Hildi, revealing a can of black paint. Scott and Debbie are somewhat thrown. Hildi gleefully lifts the can -- which is black, or wrapped in black paper -- and says, "Just like the can says!" Debbie: "What colour is that? Black?" Man. Nothing gets by her. Scott: "Butt-ugly."
Laurie wants Amy Wynn to make headboard frames which will have padded inserts.
Debbie tells MPDP and Hildi that she was joking with Ellen prior to the show about painting their dining room black. Ha ha! Isn't it weird how stuff like that can come to pass? MPDP puts on a big, fake, forced laugh to emphasize the point. MPDP wants to know if Hildi's telling her team other colours now, or just keeping them in "horrorful" suspense. She struggles for the right word, and she and Scott run through several possibilities containing the pertinent root until they settle on "horrifying."
Laurie wants two open toy boxes.
MPDP asks the members of Hildi's team whether they're feeling like maybe once they see everything in the room, they might like it, or whether they've kissed their friendship goodbye now. Scott: "No, I'm lovin' it." He can't wait to see "Scott's" reaction. Damn it, is the guy's name Newman, or Scott? Anyway, with that attitude, I doubt the guy's going to be very effective in protecting the house. Scott jokes that it might be a good thing if his neighbour doesn't talk to him. Debbie thinks black is going to be very dramatic. God, take the damn outlets off the wall before you paint!
Ellen helps Amy Wynn with the headboards.
Debbie tries to find out the rest of the colour scheme. She says it had better not be pink. MPDP says that they have a lot of demands. She starts to leave, while Hildi comments about being left to handle this on her own. Right, because MPDP should definitely catch guff for it. What? Scott says something about a "monster," but MPDP's talking too, so I can't catch it all.
Amy Wynn shows Ellen how to use the circular saw.
“ It's apple, zeenya, apple, zeenya, all around the room. ”
Hildi shows Scott the fabric they're using for the seat cushions; it's white, sparsely printed with black twigs. I don't mind it. It's kind of interesting.
Laurie tells MPDP that they're going to be painting a mural on the wall once they're done with the background colour. MPDP: "Is it gonna be your shirt?" Hee. Everybody's on to you, Laurie! She says she has another inspiration and tells them to be patient. MPDP complains about all the secrecy.
Hildi staples the twig fabric onto the chair seats. She blathers that the room's going to be elegant and mellow and unconventional. "Mellow"? Maybe I heard her wrong and she said "yellow." Scott complains that he thought it was supposed to be a darkroom. Hildi: "No." Frink thinks Scott's liable to get his fingers stapled if he keeps it up.
Laurie pencil-sketches a shape on the wall, asking, "Do y'all know what a zeenya is? A spring zeenya?" Frink contorts his eyebrows in my general direction and I say, "I think she must mean zinnias." I've never heard it pronounced any other way than "zinn-e-yas." But boy, this show is about to make up for lost time. Laurie says they are doing wonderful spring zeenyas all over her walls. It's apple, zeenya, apple, zeenya, all around the room.
Amy Wynn drills the holes for the bulbs. Hildi test-fits a bulb in. She's going to use those round clear bulbs -- you know, the "Hollywood dressing room" bulbs. I hate those bulbs. I just find them so cheesy and dated. Amy Wynn thinks it's going to look great.
The zeenyas are going to be a buttery yellow and a bubblegum pink.
Hildi's found a drop-leaf table with an elongated octagonal shape off of which she wants to cut the corners in the hope of making it elliptical. She says it will be painted the same colour as the chairs, but won't even tell Amy Wynn what the colour is. With all this buildup, it had better be frightening. Well, it's Hildi. What are the odds that it won't be?
On the bumper back in from the commercial, Amy Wynn slides her jacket off her shoulders in a faux-burlesque move. It's just...kind of incongruous. Laurie wants every flower petal outlined in white. Ellen observes that that's going to take a long time. Nothing gets by these homeowners. Laurie says "zeenyas" about five hundred more times than necessary. Ellen asks how many of the flowers they're doing. Zeenya: Warrior Princess doesn't know. It depends on her mood. Ellen thinks one is good. Man, she really is a babe in the woods.