Orlando: Winter Song Drive

MPDP appears wearing a white tank top with a big print of an orange on it. She's at Disney World in Orlando. We see Vern, Doug, and Amy Wynn taking a ride through a safari attraction. Standard shots of a lion yawning, a hippo, and some 'gators loitering. I'm starting to suspect the show of throwing in animal shots just for the cuteness factor. Listen up: it's much cuter if the cast actually interacts with the animals. Let's see Doug with that lion. Cut to the homeowners, zooming around in a motorboat. Angel and Whitney (the latter of whom is about ten and half months pregnant) are having their family room redone. Whitney's sister Kelly is going to be on the team in Whitney's place. I'd say Kelly is a heck of a sister. What if Whitney goes into labour, though? Who's going to sub for Angel? The family room is a very standard room with white walls (and one wood-panelled wall), a white popcorn ceiling, and beige carpet. They've got a really ugly sofa, loveseat, and chair all in the same yucky dark wine and black plaid. Furniture should simply not be upholstered in plaid, period. Have you ever seen an attractive piece of plaid furniture? No. No, you haven't. There's a reason. There's a squarish window behind the sofa, which has white miniblinds and a gathered valance of green fabric on it, and that's it. I don't know where people got the idea that sticking a valance up on a window is a window treatment in and of itself. The point of these floofy valances is to hide the curtain rods, hardware, and other stuff that goes on at the top of curtains for a richer, more decorative look with curtains. Somehow, the notion that you can just stick a valance above any window opening and dust off your hands has become widespread. I suspect this idea has been promulgated by the same people who recommend putting up a wallpaper border and calling it a day. These are Wal-Mart aesthetics, people. This is the way Kia decorates. Stop it, now.

On the wall opposite the panelled one is a sliding patio door, also with just a green valance, which looks even more ridiculous on a door than on a window. Between that and another window is a fireplace with one of the most unappealing textures I've ever seen: it's like some kind of weird bumpy stone. I'm sure it's just a trick of the light and the way I've got this freeze-framed, but there's a greenish shadow to the stone that makes it look like there's actually moss growing on it. If you've ever hiked along a slightly craggy, rocky, moss path...well, it looks like they cut out a fireplace-shaped chunk of that and stuck in on the wall. The mantel is a big thick chunk of wood, and it's crowded with lots of family photos in the usual wild assortment of frames. Angel and Whitney's furniture is standard-issue countryish knotty pine: coffee table, side tables, armoire. They've got a white ceiling fan with brass accents. There's the odd toy here and there. Angel says that they do most of their living here. They'd like to change the colours in the room, and possibly the wood-panelled wall, too. They'd like to brighten it up. Whitney says she likes neutrals but that she's not afraid of colour. She doesn't think she would like black furniture. Kelly thinks the room needs to be cozy and family-friendly, but focus more on the adults.

Kevin and Julie want their patio, which features a bar, redone. Julie says it used to be Kevin's bachelor bar. There's not much she likes about it. It's a long rectangular space with off-white walls and a low ceiling. It's open on three sides to the elements, with screened walls. The wall that connects it to the house has several sliding glass doors covered by vertical blinds on the other side. I thought the floor looked like some kind of dark brown, flat industrial or indoor/outdoor carpeting, but one of the posters in the forums says it's Chattahoochee stone. One end of the room has three white wicker chairs and a little matching coffee table. There's a small TV on a table in the corner of this area. The other end of the room has a wood-panelled bar with a white tile top. There are a few wood and rattan stools around it. The bar looks like it's seen better days. There's also a tall, tiny round table with a pair of its own stools in front of the end of the bar. At the corner of the bar is a post that looks like it's wrapped in rope or something with a bunch of pins (buttons with slogans, that type of thing) stuck on it. The walls feature some of the usual bar paraphernalia: neon beer-company signs, that sort of crap. Julie would like the room to look like a martini bar or cigar bar; Kevin wants it to look like a sports bar. Considering what it already looks like, I'd say Kevin's winning. Considering who they're getting, I'll bet that it's going to end up more to Julie's tastes. She'd like to be able to leave the sliding glass doors -- which she hates -- open all the time and have the patio be an extension of the house. She's very worried about getting a "Doug room" and admits to being very nervous. She says she would be really crushed if they found the room was a place where they didn't want to spend time.

Key swap. MPDP goes on about how hot it is already.

Kevin and Julie find Vern on one of those hideous sofas looking at some football-related reading matter. He says he wants to make it a much better atmosphere for football watching and family time. Julie says that the couches have to go: "They're nasty." Vern agrees, saying that they're ugly, not functional, and uncomfortable. Vern says that they're going to put a brand-new sectional in the room, which will be a better use of space. They all agree that the wood-panelled wall has to go. Vern says they're going to reuse the existing furniture but treat it in a different way. They start to unload the room. Kevin picks up Vern and carries him out. Kevin and MPDP prance around with the valances on their arms like ugly, curtain-y wings. Watch out for the fireplace, kids. You wouldn't want to end up like Icarus.

Angel and Kelly find Doug shaking a cocktail shaker. He figures out which one is which, pointing out that with their names, it could have gone either way. Angel wants to get rid of the beer lights and make it more friendly. Kelly suggests "a little less 'bachelor,' a little more 'couple.'" Doug pours drinks as he says that his idea is to create a more adult space. He wants to do a Miami Beach martini bar/cocktail lounge. They like that idea. They're going to put banquette seating in the corner and paint the whole room white. Which it more or less already is. They're putting curtains up around the screen windows and sheepskin rugs on the floor and add some stools for seating. Doug says they're going to have a lot of fun and many cocktails. They unload the room.

MPDP arrives for Vern's paint reveal. He shows them a mocha colour for three of the four walls. Kelly's into it. MPDP says it's "timid" and "safe." Good point, MPDP. I don't know if it's going to work with their collection of Philippe Starck furniture and Isamu Noguchi lamps. They all agree that the colour is lovely. Vern shows them the colour for the fourth wall, which is a soft red colour.

Doug does his paint reveal by pouring it out of the cocktail shaker. It's extra-exciting because not only is it white, but we already knew it would be white. And, the paint will hardly come out of the shaker. Doug knocks the lid off, and it, along with all the paint, dumps itself into the tray. Doug mocks the adventurousness of the colour.

Vern wants to paint the furniture black. Julie and Kevin gasp and gulp. MPDP squawks, "Why does everybody freak out over black?" When you find out, tell me. Some people act like you've proposed that they tattoo "666" on their foreheads.

Doug wants Angel to put primer over a part of the ceiling that's raised over the doorway and is dark wood, unlike the rest of the ceiling. He and Kelly are going to use the "Lowe's white" and paint the walls. Man, they're really forcing the designers to make the most gratuitous references to the sponsor. That bLowe's. Anyway, white, and um...white. Whoa.

Julie says that the black is scary. Vern says he's going to give them an option. Julie: "All the furniture's going to be black?" Vern: "Just the two end tables, the coffee table, and the armoire." So...all of it.

After the commercial break, it's back to Julie, who says that Whitney wanted any colour but black, but also that Whitney totally trusts Vern, so she's just going to go with the black. MPDP wonders if Whitney meant the colour of the room. Julie says Whitney specified that there be no black furniture.

Doug and his team paint the walls white and discuss the whiteness. Angel didn't expect white from Doug. Doug wants to know what that's supposed to mean. He tells them, ineloquently, to expect the unexpected from him.

MPDP helps Vern and his team paint as she wonders where the new sofa is. Vern tells her that they haven't got it yet. They're painting the wood panelling, and it doesn't look like they either sanded it or used any primer. What's the deal with that? Vern says they're going to go out and buy the sofa. He says that their existing stuff is not only "atrocious-looking" but broken; the legs are falling off. MPDP and Julie laugh about Vern calling the stuff "atrocious-looking." Julie says that her neighbours are going to be so embarrassed. Vern doesn't think they should be. MPDP: "Oh no, just... 'A Trading Spaces designer came to my house and said my furniture was atrocious!'" Well, it's better than showing up and giving you new, atrocious furniture, or making your old furniture more atrocious. Not that that ever happens on this show.

Doug and his team yammer about the "destruction of the bar." Angel seems concerned that the bar might be going away. Doug tries to make him think that might kinda sorta happen, but it's pretty obvious that he's just planning some minor alterations.

MPDP's still haranguing Vern about the sofa: "You picked it out already?" He says they're going to go look for one. MPDP and Julie are surprised. They want to know how much money is left for that. Vern says it will be the major piece in the room and that they'll just have to see what they can get. MPDP shoots a doubtful look at Julie, who makes skeptical noises. Doogie!" She climbs onto a wooden cube and then onto another one, asking for an explanation of these boxes. Doug says they're for statues. It's like he's genetically encoded never to give a straight answer, isn't it? They stand there and pose in an incredibly uninspired way. Amy Wynn asks: "Did you get statues, or are we just going to stay in the homes when we're done?"

Kevin and Julie are sanding the furniture. Vern offers them the option of painting the armoire mocha (which Vern refers to as "the neutral colour"), to contrast with the red wall it will be in front of, and the tables red, which will contrast with the mocha walls, instead of black.

Doug says that the boxes are going to be stools with cushions on top, with covers made of Sunbrella material: "I'm gonna do two in blue, two in buttercup -- you'd think Laurie Smith was here -- and two in white." Amy Wynn laughs at the Laurie crack. As does almost everyone else watching.

Vern says that the red and mocha furniture is Plan A; the black furniture is Plan B. To be democratic, he takes a vote. Everybody votes for Plan A, including Vern, who knows which way the wind is blowing.

Doug wants a low banquette, about thirteen inches high, to be built for the corner. He wants it "lounge-y." He also wants a coffee table, which looks like a low, thick box, about five feet by two and a half feet.

Vern comes into the dining room, where his team is painting the furniture. He helps Kevin to paint the tables red while Julie paints the armoire mocha. He thinks it looks good and asks their opinion. He points out that he thinks the red works for only one reason, and it's that there's a lot of brown in the red. Vern asks whether Julie's okay with the armoire going "tan." Julie: "As opposed to our other choices? Yeah."

Doug pries trim off the bar. He shows Kelly and MPDP a twelve-inch square light-coloured marble tile which he's going use for the top. They're going to replace the "sad" six-inch ceramic tiles currently on the surface.

Kevin says he's very happy with the furniture colours. Julie loves the red. Julie's thrilled. Vern seems happy to have them on board. Kevin, referring to the primed bottom of the table they're working on, says, "I think we should keep the bottom white." Vern: "Yeah. No."

Doug carefully pries up the first pair of tiles. MPDP is disappointed that there's no dramatic destruction. Doug leaves her with the tools and tells her to have fun. He walks off and tells her to do a good job, and that she has five minutes. MPDP starts smashing up the tiles with a hammer, raising her arms in a cheer and a little whoop after breaking up the first few. Boy, somebody needs to get home and see her husband, if she's getting thrills from this.

Vern discusses his carpentry needs with Amy Wynn. He's designed a lightly padded top for the coffee table which will fit on top of it, creating the option of using it as an ottoman or removing that piece so that it can be a hard-surfaced coffee table.

Kelly and MPDP smash tiles as Doug watches with his head in his hands. Yeah, MPDP's way is more fun, but it's way more work to clean up. And a lot more dangerous, with ceramic shards flying around. Sure, they're wearing safety glasses, but little pieces can still get past those.

After the commercial, MPDP and Kelly use some kind of machine to clean the adhesive off the surface of the bar. Some kind of sander or grinder; I don't know. Nor do I care.

Angel helps Amy Wynn build the frames for the banquette seating.

Vern and his team are making their way to the car to go shopping when they are intercepted by MPDP. It's totally staged, of course, and feels it. The constant need to manufacture conflict and drama on this show is exhausting me. It must be exhausting the cast. I think the show would be more fun for everybody if they just let whatever happens happen. Vern tells her they don't have time. MPDP knows that, but is still obsessing about whether he knows what they're going to get. Vern: "A sectional."

Angel puts a bit too much glue on something.