California: Via Jardin

MPDP appears wearing a python -- not python, a python. She's got it wrapped around her arms and she walks over to where a big lizard is sunning itself on a rock. For some reason, I can better tolerate the bad puns and clichs whenever they bring out the animals. We cut to Tom and Lori, some young kids, and a couple more lizards, which the kids are gingerly petting. I'm spelling the homeowner's name Lori, to try to minimize the confusion in this recap. If that's not the spelling, uh...sori. And if at least one of these lizards isn't named Jub-Jub, I'm going to be really disappointed. The reptiles (and other creepy crawly creatures) belong to Tom. Then we see their neighbours, Margie and Ed, sitting at the table with them, clearly nervous about the lizards. Cut to MPDP, crawling along the ground behind a big lizard prowling its way toward the camera, flicking out its forked tongue. Consensus in our forums seemed to be that it's probably some kind of monitor lizard, though others voted for "gila monster" or "Komodo dragon."

Cut to Vern, Amy Wynn, and Laurie, all of whom are wrangling reptiles and have nicknames newly bestowed by MPDP. Vern "Spider-Man" Yip has a huge tarantula hanging off his shoulder and is playing with a scorpion. Laurie "The Snake Charmer" Smith has a python. Amy Wynn "The Lady with the Lizard" Pastor has...you guessed it, a lizard. Laurie softly tells Vern: "You have a tarantula on your shoulder. I did not see that." I'm totally impressed with how calm and unsqueamish they are with the animals. You know how whenever Jack Hanna or some zookeeper or animal handler is on David Letterman's show, Letterman's all twitchy and jumpy? They're utterly not like that. I would have put money on Laurie being like that. Then again, after you've changed a few hundred poopy diapers, maybe you get over practically everything.

Ed and Margie have a very large, fairly square kitchen with walls the colour of freshly dried blood. (What was the name of this paint: "Scab?" Actually, I can't believe there isn't a whole line of "edgy" paints colour with off-putting names, just like the Urban Decay makeup line: you could have "Sewer," "Sleaze," "Bulldozer," "Chancre," "Bubonic," "Absinthe," "Laudanum," etc. Man, the goth kids would eat that up.) I can't tell from the blotchiness of the paint job -- which Margie and Ed inherited from homeowners -- whether it's supposed to be a faux finish or if it's just a half-assed paint job. Which, in fact, is a major problem with at least 75% of faux finishes, if you ask me. You can't tell. At least one wall is a muddy golden-brown colour. The cabinets are a dated brown colour that looks worse with these murky red walls. There's a good-sized work island with a white tile top and a couple of stools. The countertops are white tile, and the floor is a fugly kuntry ceramic tile in blue and white with flowers in the corner. There seems to be a fair bit of light; there's one large window, and the room is very open to another room with a much larger window. Those windows have wood (or wood-look) blinds. Ed and Margie have a smallish table that seats six, with Windsor-style chairs. They don't have a formal dining room. The room is used not only for cooking and eating, but also as a cloakroom and an office: there's a good-sized desk in one corner. They apparently also homeschool their kids here, so there's a large topographical map of California on the wall. Or maybe they just love California. Margie says that visitors who see the wall colour constantly ask, of the owners, "What were they thinking?" My question is, "Who were they? The Manson family?" They would like new countertops, the cabinets and walls painted, some curtains added, and most of all, a brand-new floor: "But that's probably not going to happen." Me to Frink: "It will if you're getting Santa Vern." I don't think he'd suffer that floor gladly. Ed would like it if it looked like a professional chef's kitchen, with a lot of open storage. Margie wants everything put away, but Ed wants everything out. Margie doesn't want to see the knives (which are currently hanging on the wall on a magnetic strip), and she definitely doesn't want a pot rack.

Tom and Lori's living room is a white box with beige carpet and a weird, narrow brick fireplace with no mantel and a vertical inset of stained wood boards on the chimney breast. They've got a pair of pale blue sofas in a combination of darker blue plaids, florals and solids, a simple wooden coffee table, and a wooden deacon's bench in the corner, the cheap kind you can buy at a grocery superstore. This probably makes me a snob, but I just can't see buying furniture (other than maybe cheap-ass patio furniture) at the grocery store. There's a dark blue or black velour recliner that kind of blocks the traffic into the room at the corner. They have a large bookcase with some photos and knickknacks displayed on it, which is along the wall opposite the large window above the sofa. The windows have white blinds on them. Lori doesn't like anything about their living room other than the fact that they have one. She likes having a fireplace, but not this one. Tom thinks everything in the room is just terrible. Lori would like to see the entry wall become "something spectacular." There's a raised walkway covered with hardwood that runs along one side of the room; there's a door at the end that must be their front door, and a closet to the right as you enter. Margie wants the room to become memorable. She says that right now, it's forgettable. She wants it to feel comfortable and for it to encourage people to sit down and converse instead of going straight for the TV (which must be in some other room).

Key swap. Tom puts MPDP in charge of reptile-wrangling.

Vern's in Ed and Margie's kitchen. Boy, did they luck out. Hasta la vista, fugly floor! He tells Tom and Lori that the dated cabinetry is outta there. They're painting it and replacing the hardware. Lori wants to change the "hideous" blood-red walls. She says that eating in there is unpleasant: "You just think about how the meal ended up on your plate." Tom thinks the knives on the wall are "frankly, just scary." They're bad feng shui, too. Vern says they're going to brighten the room up, give them more storage, and expand the island and put a new countertop on it. Margie says that the floor has got to go. Vern says it's outta there, too. He's giving Margie and Ed a some new seating and storage in the "cloakroom" sector of the room. Vern and his team unload the room.

Ed and Margie find Laurie...ack! What the hell is she wearing? She has on a chartreuse shirt and beige pants and a black belt and delicate black mules. That chartreuse is a colour very few people can wear successfully. And it really clashes brutally with the pants. Even Frink notices and comments...and this is a guy who will wear burgundy with bright purple if I don't stop him, so you know it's bad if he notices. If Laurie was going to attempt this colour, I think she should have worn it with black pants, or maybe blue jeans. I can't believe I have to look at her wearing this for however many hours this recap takes. Then again, it could be a Kia episode. Or I could be Shack, recapping Ruben Studdard singing "Flying Without Wings" for the squillionth time, so I guess I shouldn't complain. Anyway, Laurie's sketching the new faade for the fireplace, which is an octagonal design of molding on MDF that will be mounted on the chimney breast. Laurie says that the room is going to be a fresh look at classic design: traditional bones with fresh colour. Margie and Ed are on board with that. Margie wants to see more colour and something done with the fireplace. Ed thinks the ceiling could use work. Laurie says they are doing something with the ceiling. They unload the room.

Vern and Tom are removing cabinet doors. Vern says the cabinetry is incredibly dull. Lori asks if Vern's making fun of the '70s. He says they're over.

Laurie does her paint reveal. Frink and I are wondering what "yellow" will be called this week. She opens a gallon of paint that's a very yellowy tangerine. Frink thinks it's pumpkin. You could also call it turmeric. And there's a gallon of cream. Laurie says the name of the orange paint is "Maple Syrup." She does the quotation mark gesture, like she doesn't buy it herself. I would really advise against eating any maple syrup that's this colour. Maybe it dries to a golden brown, but I'd be surprised if it changes that much. The other colour she calls "Antique White." She opens a quart of a bright Chinese red, saying it's for an accent. Hmm.

Vern and Tom remove the island's tile countertop. It's in surprisingly good condition; it has the cleanest grout of any tile worktop I've ever seen. Vern says, as they carry it out, that they're going to expand it and put something better in.

As Margie paints the walls orange, she says she think Lori will like it, but that she isn't sure about Tom. Ed hopes the room will be bright enough that the colour won't be all that dark. I don't think "dark" is going to be the problem with this colour, although it already looks a lot more toned-down on the walls than in the can. It's more pumpkin-y now. Sort of Electric Pumpkin. Margie says that Tom wanted a fun room. Ed thinks "fun" wears off after a while, and that something nicer will please them longer.

Tom and Vern pull out the stove, treating us to the crud and filth underneath, some of which dates from the Eisenhower era. Vern describes it as a special treat. Tom calls it a "biology project." Actually, I think the stove in Andy Dick's kitchen harboured worse gunk. But let this be a lesson, wannabe HOs: clean the place thoroughly. Even if you think they won't be pulling your stove out, or whatever. The bumper to the commercial is Laurie holding the python down near her python mules. The python's not amused.

Laurie comes in to the living room to recruit someone to paint furniture. Margie wins. Or loses, depending on your perspective.

MPDP wants to know why Vern's covering up a ceramic tile floor. It's explained to her that it's because it's ugly. She decides that's a good enough reason. Works for me. They're going to lay a wood laminate floor over the tile, after putting some kind of thin padding material between them. Vern further explains, "And we don't believe in painting floors in kitchens." Um, I don't know who "we" is, but it definitely doesn't include Frank, Hildi, and especially Gen. I remember her painting a vinyl kitchen floor red ("Austin: Wing Road") and wondering if it would look like crap within a month. Both Frank and Gen have painted too many floors to list. MPDP offers to start bringing flooring in. She cheerfully tells Vern's team: "Oh, by the way, you're going to be up all night, and it's going to be a lot of work!" She shakes their hands and says, "Welcome to Trading Spaces! Vern Yip is your designer." Vern's all "No, no, no, don't listen to her."

Laurie and Margie prime the bookcase. The outside will be semigloss black; the interior will be high-gloss red lacquer. I'm not sure about the red with this wall colour, but I like the bookcase colour scheme otherwise.

Vern explains that the padding will help absorb shock, and that this type of laminate doesn't require that they remove the existing floor. He reassures Tom, who's wondering about the grout lines between the tiles, that the laminate flooring is sufficiently rigid to withstand any pressure over the grout lines, and that the film that goes in between will help with that too, as well as creating a more comfortable walking surface.

Laurie talks to Amy Wynn about her plans. She wants a floor-to-ceiling faade for the fireplace with the aforementioned molding detail and a six-inch-deep mantel that wraps around the chimney breast.

Tom bemoans that he's sanding down his neighbours' cabinets, after having once given up on his own after just three cabinet doors.

Along the large wall along the entryway, Laurie wants to apply thin molding in large rectangles and have it all painted cream.

Tom and Lori realize that they won't be spending any time in the Jacuzzi tonight. I would have thought their first clue about that would be when they were introduced to Vern.

Laurie wants Amy Wynn to cut some bamboo with mitred corners to make a decorative frame for a rectangular closet-door mirror which will be mounted on plywood. There will be four pieces of bamboo on each side. Around all that will be a molding frame painted black.

As Vern and his team work on the flooring, Vern tells MPDP that he'd be willing to sacrifice half his budget for some air conditioning. MPDP says she's going to make things even more difficult, because she has to leave to check on the other house. Vern: "Maybe it's so hot because you're in the room." MPDP smiles, saying, "Now see, that's not going to get you more time or budget. Flattery will get you nowhere."

Ed is trying to paint the popcorn ceiling with the orange paint; Laurie asks if the "nappier roller" is doing the job better. Ed says it's a little bit better. Laurie explains to MPDP that they had the wrong rollers to start with, but now they have the right ones, so they should be fine. She assures MPDP that everything is just fine. MPDP tells her that she really is behind. Laurie insists she's not.

Margie primes the walls as Vern and Tom work on the floor. They all agree that the primer is a huge improvement over the "slaughterhouse red."

Ed's still not sure the paint rollers are right. Laurie complains that the problems with supplies are killing her budget. What, so paint rollers actually do come out of the budget? I thought they didn't. Ed says that rollers aren't that expensive. Laurie says they are when you only have $1000.

Vern talks to Amy Wynn about carpentry while a lizard crawls around her arm and is so distracting that it totally steals the scene. He describes his plans for the island, which include not only expanding the top, but adding open shelving to each end.

Margie sews a pillow while Laurie kvells about her fabric, which is a crewel-type fabric with yellows, greens, oranges, and reds on a white background. She talks about how much better it is to pick a nice fabric and pull your colours from it. She shows Margie another pillow cover, made of a fabric with narrow stripes in coordinating colours.

Amy Wynn is so overcome when she hears that Vern has purchased ready-made countertops that she gasps and kisses his neck. Vern: "Wow. I'll buy pre-made things more often." Amy Wynn: "Please!" She kisses him again. He says she can build everything out of MDF because it's all going to be primed and painted. And that's it.

Back to Laurie and Margie, talking about some solid yellowy-orange fabric. Suddenly, Doug's head pops up at the bottom of the screen, with a balloon urging us to watch the "Designer's Cut" versions of some Trading Spaces reruns on Memorial Day. Yikes! Then Kia's head pops up, saying "With Doug, Hildi and me." It's followed by Hildi's head, announcing the time. Then their balloons disappear and their images are sucked away again. Anyway, I think Laurie's planning to use this fabric -- which is actually a clothing fabric with a slight stretch to it -- for curtains. I have no problem with using clothing fabric for decorating when it's appropriate, but wouldn't a stretch fabric sag over time? Laurie got a really good deal on it so she bought it. Margie asks about lining, and Laurie says that would be better, but that it's Trading Spaces.

Tom and Lori look like they've about half finished the floor, and Vern brings in a five-gallon bucket of paint, saying it may be the latest paint reveal ever. It's a very pale, creamy yellow. Tom and Lori love it. I think Lori had already guessed yellow.

More of Amy Wynn and the lizard on the bumper. Frink: "More lizards! Less Laurie."