Los Angeles: Irving Street

MPDP appears wearing a long-sleeved coral t-shirt and jeans, carrying her raincoat and umbrella. They're in Hollywood. It's sunny, but it's going to rain. Right away, I'm riveted. Chance of meteorological puns and clichs: 100%. Chance MPDP will find an excuse to do some kind of Mary Poppins routine with her umbrella: undetermined, but high. Today's HOs: four young, cute, hipster types. Josh wants his friend Robin to "de-tchotchke" her apartment; and Michelle wants to help her friend Jason achieve a "swanky new bachelor pad." Today's cast: Gen, Frank, Ty, and of course, MPDP: Giggles, Squiggles, Wriggles, and Niggles.

Jason has lived in his apartment for a few years, but hasn't really moved in. It's a living room/dining room, with a very wide arched opening between them. White walls; hardwood floor; lots of windows (five in the living room, two in the dining room) and light; big chunky fireplace with cinder-block-sized bricks. It's a pretty nice basic space. There's a taupe loveseat with a kind of tone-on-tone pattern. (Hitchcock's on it.) Jason's TV's on a small green stand opposite the loveseat. There's a funky old chair upholstered in bright red and a one of those big cheesy midcentury lamps. I don't know where he got that loveseat; it's nice enough, but seems too conservative and staid for Jason's taste. Maybe someone gave it to him. There are tons of framed pictures and photographs on the floor leaning against the wall in piles here and there. In the dining room, there's a small bistro-style table and chair. And a scooter. Jason says he's never there, so he hasn't done anything. I'm guessing he's a professional photographer, from the number of photos and stuff around the place. He likes browns and blues. Pretty much any colour -- except pink. "And no sheep," he adds. I guess he's getting Frank. I figured he'd get Gen, with her love of photography. Michelle says that Jason is a great artist, and that he's got lots of things that need to be showcased. She complains that she's hardly ever been invited over and that she hopes this makeover will help him to become more social and maybe get a little more action. Jason seems astonished by these comments.

Josh doesn't like Robin's living room. Her apartment is almost identical to Jason's, except she doesn't have a fireplace, and there's a French door on the wall to where the fireplace would be. The walls are strong egg-yolk yellow with a white ceiling and a hardwood floor. She's got a dark grey sofa, but not a lot of other upholstered furniture. She has a dining-room table in a medium brown stain. The windows have yellow tab curtains on them. The room is filled with plants and tchotchkes and candles and art and whatnot. The most notable thing in the room is draped over the back of the sofa: it's a large, colourful printed throw featuring Jesus Christ and a few of His bestest angel pals. That is...really kitschtastic. Or sacrilicious. Or offensive, depending on your point of view. Robin spends all her time in the living room because it's a one-bedroom apartment, and she thinks it's very comfortable and cozy, but agrees it's time for a change. She loves anything in the yellow/ orange/ red/ brown range -- what she calls warm, '70s colours. Where the heck is Laurie Smith when you need her? Oh, I know...dreaming up non-yellow-sounding names for yellow paint. I don't see a TV in Robin's apartment, but maybe it's there somewhere in the clutter. Josh asks her about turquoise. She doesn't care for that, nor for pink, or purple. Josh thinks the room needs a little kick, and says that Robin has a strong personality. They pretend to lunge and choke each other.

Key swap. It's pouring rain. MPDP says that because their apartments are so close together, they have to "keep it on the DL." There's something about Mindy that just works against her ability to carry off hipster talk. Jason is wearing a do-rag. Michelle -- who has that kind of dye job where the hair is coloured in big, chunky stripes of brown and blonde (which doesn't look as good as most people seem to think) -- has seen fit to tie her hair up in a white-chick version of Afro puffs. She's also seen fit to tie her smock up in a big loose knot under her chest. Since she's wearing a black and white striped t-shirt and a black and white leopard-print belt, she's quite a sight. Josh has a big portable stereo with him. You know what I'm wondering? In small spaces such as these one-bedroom apartments, when you have two pairs of HOs who are ostensibly not involved with each other, and they have to spend the night in each other's homes, and the other main area is out of commission...where does everybody sleep? Does someone bunk in the bathtub? Just curious.

Jason and Michelle find Gen at the dining-room table. She's wearing a black t-shirt with a deep, wide V-neck, and either a halter-style bra or a bikini top underneath it, since we can see her straps going around her neck. Visible bra straps are another fad that doesn't look as good as women imagine. Gen, Michelle, and Jason all dis Robin's clutter and agree that it's gotta go. Gen's got a small orchid plant, and says it's her inspiration for the room. I wish I knew enough about orchids to tell you exactly what type it is, but there are only about fifty squillion types of orchids, and I regret that I have but one life to give to this whole recapping endeavour. It's a medium-sized vaguely greenish-white blossom with a "beard" (I think that's the term -- humour me) in black on one petal. Gen says they'll be bringing in the "greeny-vanilla colour" and "lengthening" the walls (by which she means making them look higher). She pulls out some fabrics: an olive-coloured , a pale green one that's slightly shiny; and a caf-au-lait cotton. Jason says the brown one is one of his favourite colours. They're going to rearrange the furniture and add new pillows. During the room-unloading sequence, Gen dances around with the Jesus throw on her head. The scale of the image is surprisingly accurate for her body, which makes it a little weird. Still, Gen, Jesus don't want you for a sunbeam.

Robin and Josh find Frank laughing over sticky notes Jason has left: one features a doodle of a sheep with a "No" ideogram drawn over it. The other is a photograph of a herd of sheep with a sticky note attached that says "NO SHEEP." Frank laughs, "There goes my whole damn design." Frank is wearing a black shirt with an intense orange border around the bottom, above which are orange and yellow stylized flames. I laughed when I saw this because just a few hours before I'd been at the mall, killing time before seeing The Matrix Reloaded, and I came across a line of Harley-Davidson shoes for women. I didn't realize they'd gotten into this business. It's tacky rocker-chick wear. One pair looked exactly like Frank's shirt: chunky black platform slides with flames licking up from the soles all around the bottom. Anyway, between his shirt and Gen jitterbugging with Jesus on her head, I think we can safely assume we're going to hell in a handbasket. And a cheap, crappy one from the dollar store, at that. Frank says they're going to do the walls one colour, and the ceiling a lighter shade. He wants to give Jason a new sofa, new coffee table, and a new TV stand. He wants to turn the dining room into what he calls "an art bar," with pictures and little chairs and stools. Josh and Robin love that. Apparently, Frank plans to make one big painting to hang with cable on the living-room wall between the windows. Wuh? This guy has more framed art than any other HO I can remember seeing, and much of it looks unique and interesting...and they're going to make a painting? I can't decide if that's more stupid or more insulting. Wait, I don't have to choose. During the room unloading, Frank puts on a luchadore mask.

Gen tells her team to "get over here" for the paint reveal. Looks like plain old white to me. I can hardly contain my excitement. Jason says it's so much better.

Frank has four cans of paint. Well, it's better than nine, or thirteen. He paints some taupe on the fireplace. I like the taupe. He's got some black, or maybe it's a really dark navy, for accents on the fireplace, including these two chunky shelves with oddly ornate brackets. Josh asks if it's black. Frank: "Yes. Sort of."

Gen says she has another green which they "may" use for the woodwork, saying that since it's been painted numerous times already, she doesn't feel bad about painting it again. She opens a gallon of chartreuse paint. Bleah. I'm not crazy about the "whitish walls with extreme trim" look. I got over that in my early twenties. Gen says they can decide after they paint the walls.

Frank has two shades of light sky blue: one for the walls, and a slightly lighter shade for the ceiling above the picture rail. These shades of blue are a little too sweet for me, and I don't like them with the taupe. Frank says that the colours are very conservative, and asks Josh and Robin if they think the colours are "too pastel-y." Josh says it will look like the sky when one looks up at the ceiling. They agree that that's very California. In the bumper to the commercial, MPDP falls down and goes boom.

Y'all don't mind if I just stop here and listen to Kiefer Sutherland's voice on this telecom commercial over and over, do you? It's a lot less tiresome than this episode. You just go on ahead without me. I'll catch up.

Gen comes skipping out through the rain and puddles in her bare feet to the tarp-covered area where Ty is trying to work. He's using a board to poke at the sags in the "roof" and knock the accumulated water off. Gen says it's like a little shantytown. She jumps up and down, giving the girls a good bounce. Careful, there. You could put someone's eye out with those. Maybe I should have called her "Jiggles" instead of "Giggles." She wants to talk about her carpentry plans. Ty picks them up. They're rather damp.

MPDP checks out Frank's colours while his team paints.

Gen wants two big tables. She's sick of armoire-style entertainment centres. She wants what she calls a "low-rider" -- seven feet long, fourteen inches high. She also wants a dining-room table that will match the style of entertainment unit.

MPDP asks how Frank's doing on budget. He says they're so far over, it's scary. MPDP doesn't react to this at all, so Frank rants that it feels good to be over, and that he's getting a surge of power from it. He says he'll try to shave something off, but if he doesn't, whatever. He snaps his fingers and waves his arm dismissively. Robin says to MPDP, "Well, he told you, sister!"

As the white paint goes on over the yellow, you can see that the texture of the wall looks like it has lots of really sloppy, shallow repairs with joint compound. Or is this just another one of these corner-cutting wall finishes? Either way: yuck. Gen asks if Jason and Michelle think Robin will like the room. Jason thinks she will. Gen says they've still "got some sun colours going on here, 'cause [she] knows that that's [Robin's] thing." I don't know how white, green, and black qualify as "sun colours." Guess I'm just crazy that way. Gen asks whether Jason is nervous about having Frank in his apartment. Jason says he was before he met Frank. What he doesn't add: "Now I'm terrified."

MPDP remarks on Frank's "rebelliousness," telling him he will have to answer to a "higher authority" at some point. What, the Jesus throw? MPDP sticks her hand way up in the air -- which pulls her shirt up to her ribs on that side -- yelling, "Me! Me!" She adds, "Look how authoritative I am right now!" Yes, very much so, with half your midriff showing. I'm more a-scared of the Jesus throw. Shut up, MPDP.

Jason's not afraid Frank will put chickens in his apartment, but sheep. Jason: "Keep the livestock out of my living room and we'll be fine." A good general policy, I find.

Frank and his team scurry through the rain into the back of a truck rented to create some more indoor space for storage and work. I'm sure this is the sort of shoot that makes the producers not want to do apartments or condos. Between the small apartments and the unavailability of outdoor space due to the weather, it's probably a miracle anything gets done.

Gen asks Jason what sort of stuff he wants built for his place. He wants a bar and seating. Gen asks if he really thinks Frank would make a bar. Jason, sounding kind of whiny: "I don't know." Why wouldn't he?

Frank tells his team they're going to assemble furniture in the truck.

MPDP is in Robin's apartment, where the walls are now white and the trim is being painted chartreuse. Gen says she was always planning to paint the trim, but that the colour was to be determined.

Frank asks Robin what the worst-case scenario would be for her apartment. Josh laughs wickedly. Frank: "I think Josh has got an idea."

Gen's still trying to convince Jason that Frank is going to ruin his place. She says that Frank likes really wide wallpaper borders, and that he likes to do them over "bevelled" ceilings. MPDP says that Frank loves sheep. Jason asks why she keeps saying that. Gen and MPDP making baa-ing sounds at Jason. Gen's left sleeve is losing its battle with gravity. Is there any way to get Gen on What Not To Wear? I'd love to see her tangle with Wayne and Stacy.

Ty opens up the back of a truck as Frank comes out to talk to him. Frank tells Ty he's looking at the winner in the "date with Mary Poppins lookalike contest." Ty pops open a lawn chair and tells Frank to take a seat.

Gen and MPDP are in what must be Robin's bedroom, which is painted a nice deep bluish purple. I thought she didn't like purple. They're unpacking accessories: lights and lamp shades. Gen says she wants to give Robin a chandelier, because what she has is a light like the one above the bed. We see a shot of one of those cheapo square glass shades in white glass with a pattern etched into it, the kind that screws onto the light fixture just below the bulbs. Gen talks about how they're the lights the landlord gives you from 1973. MPDP: "But isn't that retro?" Gen: "Some things aren't worth being brought back." You don't say.

Frank wants a TV stand -- six feet long, twenty-four inches deep. He wants Ty to make it of oak or maple or whatever. He also wants a bar, forty-four inches wide, twenty inches deep, and forty-two inches high. He wants a line routed diagonally across the front of it.

Gen's going to hang a large white lampshade from a pendant fixture over the dining-room table to make a "chandelier." You know, just because it's hanging from the ceiling, it doesn't make it a chandelier. I'd say a branched quality is essential to chandelier-ness.

Frank and Robin are in Jason's bedroom working on some lampshades. One of them is one of those folding paper ones, and Frank grabs it, saying, "And what I plan on doing is, playing 'Lady of Spain' for you on my little accordion..." He cracks himself up. I can totally see him playing the accordion. Robin says something about Carmen Miranda. Frank assures her, "I go beyond Carmen Miranda." He's planning to suspend the shade from one of Jason's tripods. Good idea. Because he probably hardly ever uses those or needs them or anything.

Gen's standing to Ty while he works in Shantytown. She points out a big puddle gathering right above his head; Ty grabs a board and pokes at the clamp holding the tarps together. The first one doesn't do the trick, so he jabs it again, knocking all the water down onto this work area and the wood. Gen squeals and jumps away as Ty yells, "Oh, geez! Look at the work conditions I'm in. It's nice, isn't it? Isn't this fun?" Let a smile be your umbrella, Ty. He starts throwing tools and stuff off the table as Gen giggles. Did he do that on purpose? I think so. If he were trying to tip the water away, he would have poked at the bulge. Why thrust at the clamp unless you're trying to knock the whole thing down?