California: Dusty Trail

Ah, California...always a good excuse to have the cast in wetsuits. MPDP comes at us on the beach with her surfboard and her Valley/surferspeak. Gen, Doug, and Ty unload their boards from the Trading Spaces truck and run into the water: Gen shrieks with glee; Ty cautions them not to forget about "the buddy system." Ty's the only one we actually see surfing. He may be the only one who can (though Gen's pretty athletic). And you wouldn't seriously be surprised to find out he had spent a fair bit of time in the green room, now would you? And I don't mean the one backstage at the Emmys.

Homeowners Becky and John (the latter of whom is apparently an assistant principal at the school of one of the posters on our forum) want a new kitchen. Their kitchen has a real wood floor, which they like, but it's almost exactly the same warm yellowy-orange tone as their cabinets, which makes for a whole lot of wood that colour. They'd like something contrasting. It's a fairly large room, open to the living area, with doors opening onto the patio to the eating area. Becky says that John is really handy and has done almost all of the woodwork in the house. The walls, backsplash, and appliances are white; the countertops are also tiled in white. There are denim blue window coverings and lots of kuntry kitschy details -- heart-shaped whatnots and wooden bric-a-brac. There's a work island with a pot rack above it. Children's artwork is everywhere. John mentions the stencilled border along the top edge of the walls, which he says Becky spent a lot of time on. It's a yellow fence pattern with birdhouses and wheelbarrows and watering cans. Becky's ready for it to go. John says that the kitchen was one of the first rooms they did, and that their tastes have changed from country toward what Becky describes as "cottage, sort of French country-shabby chic" look. John says he's sure they're going to love their room.

Ryan and Kim's bedroom is your basic white box with yellowy-beige carpet and a high, angled ceiling. All their furniture is cherry, and there's a very traditional four-poster bed that dominates the room. It's really a bit too small a room for this much bed, I'd say. The bed, which has yellow linens, is placed in front of a large square window in such a way that the posters of the bed frame the window in a somewhat awkward-looking fashion. There are night tables, chests of drawers, and a bench at the end of the bed. The windows have white blinds on them. Kim likes the height of the ceiling and the height of the bedroom. She loves the furniture and the bed. She would prefer the furniture not to be painted, but she's assuming that it probably will be. I suspect they spent a pretty penny on that furniture; I'm surprised she's okay with its being painted. It's not like it's all beat up or anything. Somewhere, Laurie's blanching herself into a Southern swoon. Ryan says what they don't like is that it's just so plain. He says that the furniture's pretty, but that the room has no character. Kim says they like earth tones: sage green, tans, creams. Ryan likes change: "So whatever happens, it's gonna be kind of fun to see." That's the spirit.

Key swap. MPDP makes chitchat about Becky and John's keychain, and we learn that Kim has a "baby in the oven," according to MPDP, which doesn't sound to me like quite as good an idea as a "bun in the oven."

Doug asks John and Becky for their ideas. Becky would like to see the walls painted a warm, soft colour. Doug suggests blue. John and Becky seem hesitant about that. John wants to change the layout of the room; Doug's in agreement with that. They're going to be using black and ivory toile, which Becky supports. Doug wants to install a fake window to balance the real one on the one side of the bed. Hate the fake-window trick. They're going to add crown molding at the lowest point-- which is just going to look weird with the angled ceiling -- and paint the ceiling "soft grey so it disappears." They're painting all the furniture and adding panel molding. Doug's calling the space "Cosmo Shab." What does that even mean? John and Becky are on board, or pretend to be. Professor Frink: "Doug should just...not name his rooms." He's still puzzling over "White Whoa/Woe." Personally, I'm still getting mileage out of variations on "A Pretty Room. By Doug. In Italics." The room is unloaded.

Ryan and Kim find Gen rummaging through their neighbours' refrigerator and flinging items onto the work island. My first thought: "Gen, haven't you found this week's food inspiration yet?" No, as it turns out, she has. She tells her team that "meat" is part of the inspiration today. I knew this would happen sooner or later. We make jokes on the forums about designers (usually Hildi) employing such substances as blood, barbed wire, asbestos, and poo as design elements. And we've mentioned meat in the past, too. We need to stop. We don't want any more of these prophecies to fulfill themselves. Ryan and Kim just roll with the meat thing. Gen says they're getting rid of all the kuntry and changing it into "something like a French boucherie" (a butcher shop). Kim loves it. My husband immediately starts muttering about abattoirs and carcasses. I'm withholding judgment -- because Gen usually does pretty good kitchens -- but hoping John and Becky are not vegetarians. Gen wants the kitchen to be fun for the kids because they spend a lot of time there, so they're going to turn all the walls into chalkboards. I renew my campaign for a chalkboard in our kitchen, something I've wanted for ages. The ceiling is going to be tin. Gen: "We are just going to trick this whole kitchen out." Gen shows them a book, saying that it's the work of a French artist she adores, and which is the inspiration for the room. She says, "We're going to do a lot of meat art." My husband gives me a "Still withholding judgment?" look, which I pretend not to see. The room is unloaded.

Doug asks for John's help with the molding. He explains that they're going to paint the ceiling above the crown molding grey so that it disappears and becomes non-existent "...somewhat." I'm skeptical.

Gen's team is removing cabinet doors and Ty is measuring stuff when Gen arrives with a box of stuff. She's happy Ty's working on her room before she summoned him. Ty says that the ceiling is going to be a big project. It turns out that the tin ceiling tiles haven't arrived yet; they're somewhere between California and New York. Ty laughs helplessly. Gen assures him that they're coming.

Doug and John mark the wall for the crown molding using a super-excellent laser level. Want it, need it, gotta have it. John's just tall enough to reach the mark without a ladder.

Gen does her paint reveal. She shows her team the green chalkboard paint, which she says is a little darker and creamier than the colour of the adjoining living room. Gen complains that both the paint and the tiles were shipped, and that the paint's arrived but the tiles, which they need more urgently, haven't.

John's marked the whole wall. Doug says they're going to be putting a decorative blue colourwash on the walls.

Gen paints a sample of the chalkboard paint on the wall. Kim mentions that John's an assistant principal. Gen says he'll feel "very at home." This struck me as interesting: they're decorating his home in a way that might remind him of his job and he'll feel "at home." I hope he doesn't feel the same way about getting away from his job as the poor military family who received Kia's wretched camouflage room. Gen mentions that the paint is a bit toxic, and since Kim is pregnant, they're going to use respirators. Should she be painting at all? Usually when they use toxic paints on the show, the pregnant HOs just do some other project altogether. She gestures to Ty -- who's measuring and mouthing off in the background -- and says, "This is what happens when you don't wear a respirator." He's a cautionary tale in baggy thrift-store clothes, that boy is.

Doug reveals his ceiling paint, telling his team not to be too terrified. He says it's camouflage for the ceiling. It looks in this shot like a greyish green, but Doug says, "Nothing like a little battleship grey-blue," and I think it must be a lot like the paint he used in "Arlington: First Road." Fortunately, this episode is Chihuahua-free. Becky says she likes the paint. Doug says they've got the black and ivory toile; the furniture will be painted (and distressed) in creamy ivory, and the walls will be blue. I'm not feeling it so far.

Ty's marking lines on the ceiling for the tiles. Gen's drawing some plans for Ty: she wants him to build a wooden "slipcover" to put over John and Becky's existing kitchen table, to make it a little bigger. She says they're going to paint it so he doesn't have to worry about the quality of the wood.

Doug pours out his paint, which now looks like a very flat grey. He tells them to start painting, and expresses his hope that Ty will be along to help with the molding, though he knows Ty's very busy in their house. Doug, fearing perhaps he's given away too much: "I don't know why...but he's going to be busy."

Kim and Ryan sand cabinet doors. She's anxious to see what colour the cabinets will be, and hopes they have enough time to do everything. Ryan says he'll be working away while she's sound asleep. Kim says she's carrying her weight: "I'm doing just fine for a pregnant woman."

Gen's inside sanding the cabinet frames as MPDP asks if her team is sanding. Gen says they are, and that Kim's all masked up because of the "little baby nugget in her belly." Ty seizes on the phrase "baby nugget" and yells about that in background as Gen tries to talk to MPDP: "Man I love the words 'sweet baby nugget.'" He's wearing his sunglasses inside. Maybe he'd be a good match for Mojo. You know, between Ty, Mojo, and Evan, I really don't know who's the biggest dope. Gen tells Ty, "I would fear your baby nugget." Ty tells her she should. Gen giggles. MPDP says she's going to go check on something; Ty bids her farewell, "Okay, sweet baby nugget, we'll see you later!" I hope I'm not going to need a macro for that phrase. Something about it is squicking me out. MPDP wants to know how long this phase of the ceiling will take; Ty's putting up wood strips to which to attach the tin tiles. Ty declares that it will take two hours and thirteen minutes. Gen says that it will take a long time, and that the tin tiles will take a really long time. Ty babbles about the bun in Kim's oven taking at least nine months.

Doug's team is painting the ceiling; Doug remarks on how dark it is and mutters to himself, "What was I thinking?" Whatever Doug's faults, at least he seems to be able to question himself occasionally, poke fun at himself, maybe admit to a mistake or two. John says it needs a red stripe or something. If that's a joke about something, I didn't get it. Doug assures them it will look great. He says they they're just going to have to forge ahead without Ty. Becky: "I'm assuming he's doing great things at our [house]." Doug: "He's doing...things."

Gen's outside with her team and the cabinet doors; she's emphasizing the importance of primer when painting cabinets. Gen shows them the base colour, which she describes as a creamy French vanilla. It's nice. The central panels will be a very light grey. Hmm. I'm not loving these two colours together, and I'm having trouble seeing them with the chalkboard paint. They'll be putting new hardware on all of it.

Becky asks what Doug's putting up in place of the light fixture he's removing. He says it's a really cool cut-glass fixture with little lampshades that he found. Becky: "Oh, like a chandelier?" Doug says yes, and adds that it was really, really cheap: "I think they'll like it...um, because it's um, their dining-room fixture." Becky and John laugh. Becky says Kim just got that. Doug: "Well, it's a good thing, because I needed one!"

Gen is priming the kitchen walls. MPDP comes in looking puzzled. Gen explains that the minty green is just primer. MPDP is very excited that they're using green chalkboard paint and not black. Gen thinks green chalkboard is more old school, which she likes. Wouldn't black be more "old school"? I don't know, I just have that impression. Real chalkboard is slate, isn't it? And isn't that naturally black? Not that I think the kitchen should be black. I'm just rambling. MPDP just found out that the tin tiles aren't coming in until tomorrow morning. Gen says it was out of her control and was a shipping disaster. MPDP says that this is not okay. Gen says the tiles are in Nebraska.

Ty and Ryan work on the new tabletop. Ty explains his theory of how it's going to work, but says it's not going to come out that way. He's not too worried about it since it's going to be painted, and says it doesn't have to be a complete piece of craftsmanship.

Becky says Kim's dining-room fixture is a beautiful light. Doug says it will look great up there: "Especially when we paint it black." John says Doug's not going to paint it black. Doug: "Yes, I am!" He says it will really look beautiful with the toile and everything. John wonders if the black won't get lost in the grey ceiling. Doug says it won't, because it's going to hang down somewhat.

Gen says they're at the mercy of the tinsmith in New York. MPDP wants to know why Gen didn't have the stuff shipped in time. Gen says she did; she asked them to "overnight it" two days ago. Turns out that for them, "overnight" meant they would send it the day after Gen spoke to them; hence the delay. I wouldn't have expected that, either, though I've shipped enough packages to know you have to ask exactly when something will be shipped and what day it's supposed to arrive. MPDP puts her head in her hands. Gen: "I am so angry right now!" But it's Gen saying it, so it sounds more like, "I could really use a bagel right now!" If this is what she's like when she's angry...well, let's just say I could give her a few lessons. MPDP asks if Gen has a backup plan. For a tin ceiling? With the wood strips already installed? If she were Frank, I supposed she'd just paint a faux tin ceiling on. Gen jokes, as she paints over Becky's stencil: "I buy a stencil!"

Ryan asks Ty if he wants to check his work on the table. Ty thinks about it and decides that, for this project, he doesn't care. Ryan adds, "And because it's John and Becky's, I don't care."

Doug, always eager to play the role of agent provocateur, shows Becky a distressed mirror framed with what he calls a "tin ceiling piece" and asks her if she likes it, and if she likes tin ceilings. She does, saying "it's very shabby." You know you're in an affluent culture when people can fetishize shabbiness. Doug says they're going to paint all the furniture black. Then they're going to spraypaint it white. Then they're going to put a base coat on it, and then Doug is going to "glaze it out." Good gravy, that is a lot of steps to paint furniture that doesn't really need to be painted. He says that throughout the painting processes, they're going to distress the furniture, which will bring out some of the black underneath. Doug's rambling on explaining this when MPDP -- who's been standing there the whole time -- admires Becky's choppers, telling her she's got "perfect teeth." Doug says he's trying to work, here. Doug tells MPDP she has nice teeth, too. Doug then bares his, asking their opinion. MPDP doesn't really answer him, joking instead about Doug punching hers out, and Doug says, "I guess mine aren't so great." Aw, your teeth are probably fine, Doug.

The bumper back into the commercial is MPDP pretending to stab herself in the chest, or maybe she's pretending she's Cleopatra and her fist is an asp. Gen and Kim are painting, and Gen asks if she's happy so far. Kim says she is, and that the only problem is the "tin roof." ("Rusted!") Gen says it's the bane of their existence for these two days.

Doug starts spraypainting the furniture black, and he wants to make sure they get lots of black paint on the pieces, so that the details will be more prominent once the furniture's painted, glazed, distressed, bikini waxed, and whatever the heck else he's planning to do to it. He assures them that it will be beautiful.

Gen asks Kim what colours she likes; she reiterates her desire for earth tones and soft colours: "I didn't want..." Gen, casually: "No blues?" Kim replies, "No electric colours." They're trying to stir up some drama on this show to no avail. We'll have to hope those tiles don't show up until the last possible minute. Kim likes what she calls the "sage green" Gen's using. Gen says Kim can always move in there if she doesn't like her place. Gen assures her of Doug's mad skillz: "He might have a lot of attitude, but he is a damn fine designer." I never suspected those two of doing it before, despite all their horsing around, but now I do. Kim says that Gen has to say that, because she's his friend and she works with him and all that. Gen: "I'm not his friend; who you foolin'?"

Doug gives Becky some more instruction about painting the furniture. Doug's ready to spraypaint the dining-room ceiling fixture.

Gen shows Kim the fabric, which is a narrowly striped fabric on a cream background. The fabric has stripes in the colour of the chalkboard and the cabinets. Gen just happened to find it. Kim loves it. Gen says it's very homey, but could easily be in a boucherie. I'm sure they do things differently in France, but I've never seen much fabric in butcher shops here, I have to say. Blood and gristle aren't very conducive to keeping cute little curtains looking smart. Kim says the fabric screams Becky's name. They're making a tab curtain for above the sink.

Doug and his team are working on the bed frame, which is getting slathered with white latex. It's already been painted black and then primed with white. Then they're going to glaze and distress it. He says they're going to be able to bring out all the detail, indicating some on the bed frame, and says, "It's going to be very Cosmo Shab." Doug, I will seriously pay you not to say that ever again.

Gen and her team have started with the chalkboard paint. Kim straps on her respirator, and Gen says she's ready for bioterrorism or painting. Depending on the designer, it can be hard to tell the difference on this show.