California: Fairfield

MPDP (Frink: "Her hair looks like it's under control") tells us we're in Foothill Ranch, "nestled between the mountains and the sea." She adds that, like those two geographic extremes, their homeowners are extremes. She says one couple's conservative and the other one's a little crazy. Frink and I in unison: "One's a little bit country, the other's a little bit rock and roll."

We're introduced to Linda and Brian, the "conservative" half of the foursome. Frink and I are busy making uncharitable remarks already so I didn't hear this on the first viewing. They're playing some dice game with Judy and Mark. Judy shrieks a bit over some roll of Linda's, attesting, according to MPDP's voice-over, to her craziness. This is some wild ride we're in for, here. Because I didn't really hear this on the first viewing either, I spent most of the episode wondering which couple's supposed to be the "crazy" one. Because there's really no evidence to go on either way.

Cut to the beach, where Kia (wearing some sunglasses with yellow lenses) and Ty are sitting together, waving their arms back and forth in what I take to be some kind of quasi-New Age/meditation kind of routine. Ty is described as crazy; Kia is described as "not so conservative." Not so talented, either. Frank is sitting off to the side, pretending to sketch but actually making notes on when the tide comes in, figuring if he can convince those two to let him bury them in the sand, he can kill two freaks with one big wave. Typically, the dullness of the episode tends to be directly related to the number of times "craziness" is alluded to in the opening segments.

Brian and Linda want to redo their game room, which is in a newly added loft. It's a large white room with greige carpeting and a vaulted ceiling. There are four small square windows in the far corner of the room. In front of the windows is an L-shaped computer desk. There's a foosball table in the middle of the room and a beanbag chair patterned like a soccer ball. There's a pine armoire and a tall bookshelf in dark wood. There are some ugly taxidermy specimens mounted on the wall, and taxidermy tchotchkes (like the tail feathers of a bird mounted on a base -- yecch) scattered around the room. The room is used for homework, office tasks, and games, and has to fulfill a lot of functions for both adults and children. Linda says she does scrapbooking and would like a space in this room to do that. Brian says he just likes fun, and is open to all sorts of themes; as examples, he mentions Hollywood, sports, and hunting as possible themes. He just doesn't want it dark. Linda says she's seen a couple of Kia's rooms and she tried calling her lawyer to get out of this contract but he was busy handling ALF's lawsuit against the media for always mentioning him in the same breath as Tina Yothers. Okay, no. She just says that she's seen Kia's rooms and that they're quite colourful. I guess "colourful" is polite talk for "hideous." Linda says that anything will be an improvement to the beige walls. First of all, the room is not that awful to begin with, and second of all: lady, are you sure you've seen Kia's rooms?

Judy and Mark have a bedroom with white walls, beige carpet, droopy off-white sheer tab curtains, and a big canopy bed made out of very light-coloured logs, sort of like Lincoln logs. The headboard and footboard have chunky vertical rails. On the wall beside the bed, there's a large rustic mirror framed in the same kind of wood. Over the door to the ensuite (which is opposite the end of the bed), there's sort of an alcove area with tchotchkes in it. In the corner to that door, there's a low, round upholstered chair covered with a sloppy-looking off-white slipcover. On the other side of the bed, there's some piece of dark wood shelving or something -- perhaps a carved piece of some kind? I can't make out what it is at all. There's an armoire in a nook made of wood the colour of the bedframe. MPDP describes their bedroom as having a Southwestern theme, but if so, it's pretty minimally realized. Mark and Judy want the room to be more romantic. Mark says that they've been there ten years, and the Southwest influence has come and gone. I'm not entirely convinced that it actually visited this house, but whatever. Mark has one of those triangular goatees that's got the widest part at the bottom. Frink declares it ugly. I am hard-pressed to argue. Judy says she has nothing in mind colour-wise. Mark says very firmly that he doesn't want citrus. Okay, I was cutting this guy a lot of slack on the "stereotypically gay voice in a straight man's body" front, but when he said "citrus," well... Mark elaborates that he doesn't want lemon, lime, or orange colours, and mentions that he's not fond of those fluorescent patio dishes. He says that anything other than this chalky white will be an improvement.

I'm still confused. Which ones are the conservative ones?

Key swap. MPDP wants to know what's with their shirts. Judy and Mark got orange ones, and Judy's Bedazzled hers with a "J" in script. I am not making this up. ["Clearly she's the crazy one." -- Wing Chun] Linda and Brian have red ones, and Linda's sewn teeny-tiny plastic sports balls (soccer, baseball, etc.) all around the hem of hers. I haven't the faintest idea why. No word on whether Mark's Bedazzled his shirt, but he's carrying a suitcase -- to stay overnight door in sunny California -- larger than the one I packed for Frink to take to Minnesota for a four-day business trip earlier this month, which, by the way, is February. Mark's also got a shoulder bag and another tote bag at his feet. Brian, on the other hand, is carrying something smaller than your average diaper bag. Whatever. MPDP recites the rules, because she's been told there's a guy who's been stranded on an island in the Sea of Okhotsk who hasn't heard about them yet. Then she hands Brian and Linda an "inspirational basket" from Mark and Judy; the basket contains wine and massage oil. Did MPDP not just explain the rules of the game? What show do they think they're on -- The 5th Wheel? Linda says they won't do their homework; they'll use the basket instead. Judy says, "No, no, it's to feel the mood." If you wanted your neighbours to "feel the mood" on this show, wouldn't you give them coffee, chocolate-covered espresso beans, and maybe some Dexedrine? MPDP advises them to "feel the mood of work."

As Mark and Judy go into their neighbours' house, MPDP wonders in her voice-over whether Mark has a third team member hidden in that huge suitcase. Well, as long as everybody knows what team they're playing for. They find Kia in the game room playing darts. She throws one, gets it generally in the middle of the board, and then tells them, "This is a hard game!" It seems to be her first encounter with darts. She's wearing one of those shirts with the stupid flappy split sleeves that are incredibly distracting on any show where people have to move their arms around a lot -- like this one. Judy says they'd like to see an area for Linda and Brian to be able to put their two computers. Mark thinks it should be fun. Kia outlines her "plans" (and I use the term loosely) in bunches of nouns: "Game room...workstation/homework station...painting...window treatment...seating." She says, of the game table, that instead of two games, they're going to do four or five. And they're going to do a snack bar. She adds, "Mother...Mother must have her workstation." "Mother"? "Mother"? Who talks like this, except seventy-year-old men? It certainly comes across like Kia couldn't be bothered to learn the name of the person whose home she's destr-- I mean, decorating. Which is pretty obnoxious. They clear the room. Mark wears a hat throughout. I get it! He's the crazy one!

Linda and Brian find Frank drinking coffee. Linda says she would love to see a coffee station, because Mark and Judy love to travel, and she wants to make it seem like they're in a hotel. I'm not sure why this rage to make bedrooms look like hotel rooms hasn't abated yet, but if I wanted my bedroom to seem like a hotel that much, I'd get a mini-fridge and charge myself five bucks just for opening the door and looking inside. Seriously, I don't get this endurance of this fad. It seems like the idea is for it be "luxurious yet impersonal." Personally, I'd like a bedroom that was luxurious and deeply personal. (However, at this point I'll settle for a bedroom that doesn't have a six-foot ladder and my disassembled bathroom sink in it.) Frank, who's clearly had a bit too much coffee, talks extra-fast about jazzing up the bedframe, treating the wall behind it as a wall of windows. They're doing something to the furniture and something else to the slipcovers; there's going to be colour on the walls; and they're going to distress the baseboards. "Distress the baseboards"? Is he talking about those crappy little two- or three-inch baseboard moldings that look like white plastic? He says they're going to transform the room into a tranquil lovenest. He adds, "In some foreign continent." They clear the room, except they leave most of the furniture in it and push it to the middle. MPDP climbs into the top of the armoire.

Kia reveals her paint. It's light peach! Blecch.

MPDP brings Frank's paint in for him. As he's prying open the can, MPDP remarks to Linda and Brian that they really wish Frank were working on their house. Linda cops to this. Frank: "Oh, you don't know how lucky you are you've got who've you got!" I guess that might be a shot at Hildi and/or Doug, but it could also be taken in a self-deprecating way (that they got Kia instead of him). I refuse to take it at face value, that much is for sure.

During the commercials, we see a promo for While You Were Out. It's one of those uncommon episodes where a man redoes a room while his female partner is out, of which Frink thinks the title is probably "I Don't Think I've Upset My Wife Enough Yet."

Kia reveals more paint: it's a peachy orange. She mentions that it was a $5 special at Lowe's. Doesn't seem to occur to her there's a good reason for that. This paint is for the trim.

Frank says, "I want you to think: coffee and cream." He takes the lid off the can. It's peach! No, really. It's got a sort of brownish aspect to it, but there's still a lot of peachy orange to it. That's coffee and cream? Maybe if you got the coffee mixed up with, say, salmon mousse. That's the wall colour. Frank says they're bringing in a few other colours -- only three. MPDP puts her hand on his forehead. Well, no, but she should have. The colour looks like a dark slate blue to me, but Frank calls it a "green ironstone colour." It's a greeny blue. Then he opens a can of lurid light orange he calls "Casaba melon." And finally, a can of greyish-blue paint he calls "sage." If you happen to see a disgruntled-looking woman all in black carrying a peach-coloured picket sign with a "no" ideogram over it, marching around in front of Banyan's offices, that might be me. I'm just saying.

Kia explains that because of budgetary constraints, she can't afford to replace Mark and Judy's computer desk, so she's going to break it apart (by which I really hope she means "reconfigure," but this is Kia, and she long ago lost her "benefit of the doubt" privileges with me) and line it up along the wall. Frink gripes, "Yeah, except the L-shape is useful."

Mark has stepped in the tray of peach paint. Instead of getting his foot the heck out of there and wiping it off somewhat, he stands there posing with his foot in the tray. Linda comes over to gawk and sympathize. He says, "New shoes for the show." Dude, you bought new shoes to spend two days painting and redecorating? You deserve to step in paint. Frink: "Moron." Seriously, who does that? Wear an old pair and use it as an excuse to buy some spiffy new ones.

Kia comes out to talk to Ty about carpentry. She emphasizes to him that everything must be used efficiently and there can be no waste.

-----Original Message-----

From: Deborah [mailto:deborah@televisionwithoutpity.com]
Sent: Monday, February 17, :27
To: Kettle@aol.com
Subject: just a heads-up

Dude, expect a call from Kia during this episode. I'm just saying.

Take care,
Deborah