Austin: Wampton Way

MPDP appears wearing black pants and a midriff-skimming, wildly printed top with a deep v-neck and sheer black sleeves in a dramatic bell shape. I'm distracted by her sleeves all through the show. She tells us they're in Austin, where "two living rooms are going to receive a magical transformation with the work from four wacky homeowners, two very clever designers, and one zany carpenter." We see the four homeowners sticking their heads through holes in a map of Texas painted on a huge piece of canvas. MPDP tells us they're inside a local comedy club. The first pair of homeowners is Jerome and Angie; Jerome's a professional comedian. Uh oh...shades of Chris Wylde and "Los Angeles: Willoughby Avenue." Same designers, too: Doug and Gen. MPDP says that Jerome and Angie want their living room to be an escape from their busy lives, while their neighbours Erik and Courtney want their living room to pop with colour.

We cut to a stage, where Doug, Gen, and Ty appear in various costumes. Ty's costume consists of a big frizzy brown wig. Ty, Roseanne Rosannadanna called and she wants her hair back. Gen's in a cheesy black and yellow sequined evening gown and a very ugly blonde wig of stiff, '70s country-singer curls. Gen, Tammy Wynette called and she definitely doesn't want her hair back. But Anna Nicole Smith is wondering where you got that dress, and if they have anything trashier. Doug is sporting a red bolero jacket with sequined lapels and a brown wig that makes him look like Topher Grace -- on a good hair day. Doug is playing the magician; Gen's his assistant. They put Ty in a box and pretend to cut him in half, accompanied by the sound of much screaming, Ty's favourite activity. It's the fakest thing ever, and once they separate the two pieces of the box, Ty's wig is left sticking out of the top half, somehow being wiggled and jerked around to simulate his screaming head. MPDP: "You know, splitting Ty in half isn't going to get the work done any faster." No, but calling Amy Wynn in might. MPDP appears in front of a red satin curtain to finish explaining the premise of the show. She snaps her fingers and disappears.

We see Jerome and Angie's family room. It has white walls and ceiling with greige carpet. It's fairly open to the rooms around it -- the kitchen, living room and hallway -- and there's an arch-shaped opening above a half-wall into the living room. There's a small angled wall featuring a pretty fugly fireplace with greige tile around it and a mantel with crown molding. The mantel is narrower than the tile surround, and the top corners of the tiles are chamfered, so the whole thing has a strange pinched look. The wall it's on is sort of a tan colour. The room has one of those cheapo quasi-Mexican armoires in a yellowy-brown stain, and a coffee table and end table of similar style and rusticity. There are three little diamonds stencilled on the wall above the armoire; don't know what that's about. There's a small sage green side chair, a leather sofa in an oxblood colour, and another side chair in a multicoloured print. The sofa is in front of a wall with three large windows on it, covered with white blinds and with a skimpy hank of brown fabric swagged above it. There's a ceiling fan. Isn't there always? Especially in the south, it's like saying, "There's a floor."

Angie and Jerome say that their family room is the focal point of the whole house. Because Jerome has such a frenetic professional life, he and Angie want that room to be somewhat subdued. Angie says it definitely needs a coat of paint. Jerome says that what he wants more than anything is a fireplace; he says they use it all the time and love it. Angie says that everybody on the street has the same fireplace. I imagine they have pretty much the same house, too. Angie says she's ready for some style, and if they can show her how to have three kids and some style too, she'd be impressed.

Erik and Courtney want their bland family room to be more colourful. It's also white with greige carpeting. It has a pyramidal tray ceiling, if you can sort of picture what I mean. Like a pyramid with the top cut off. There's a door to the yard, and two large windows along one wall, with another one in the corner. They indeed have the same fireplace, only their tiles aren't chamfered and the fireplace is centred on one wall. There's a French poster and bunch of framed photos on the mantel. They've got a motley assortment of upholstered furniture in gold, green, and dark red, and a small glass oval coffee table on a brass base. to the fireplace is a TV on a low stand. It looks like the room is fairly open to the kitchen. Erik says that anything would be an improvement. Courtney would like to see something done to the fireplace, since everybody's fireplace looks the same. Erik says he's open to pretty much anything except hot pink...or turquoise...or purples... I think he adds something like, "I can grow on anything." I think he means it would grow on him, though I'm not sure I heard him right at all.

Key swap. Jerome is loaded down with bags and huge suitcases; Erik is clutching only a toothbrush. MPDP expresses her hope that Erik at least has a change of underwear. Erik points to Courtney and says, "She's wearing mine." She's not the only one, as we shall see.

Angie rushes into her neighbours' house, urging Jerome along. Jerome, pretending to struggle with the bags, lags behind. Angie shuts the door behind herself just in time for Jerome to smack into it and fall over. I wonder how many times they rehearsed that until they got the timing right? Inside, Gen's sitting on the floor watching Ty gesture about something. When Jerome and Angie arrive, she invites them to sit on the floor with her. Jerome turns to Ty and says, "Man, you are hot!" Though at first, I thought he was talking to Gen. I suspect Jerome's spent a few weeks or months hearing from Angie and Courtney about how hot Ty is. Ty laughs and says, "Thanks, man! I really appreciate it!" When Ty leaves, I think Jerome says something to him about "cracked heels." No idea what that's about. Gen thanks Jerome, saying Ty "so needed to hear that," and telling him he's making her job a lot easier. She mentions that Erik and Courtney love French posters, that they do a lot of entertaining in this room, and that they have no children, so this is a party house. She unrolls a very popular poster with the words "L'Instant Taittinger" and a glamorous image of Grace Kelly in a black, strapless, mermaid-style dress seen through a tall champagne glass. The background is a rich yellow colour. Gen says that "champagne" is the inspiration for the room. The yellow will be the wall colour: "Chardonnay everywhere, bubbles, black taffetas, recover the couch, brand-new fireplace." Boy. Isn't she lucky she didn't pick this theme for homeowners who were pastors opposed to having alcohol in their home? Gen says she has a feeling it will be an easy two days, and tells them to start unloading the room. When they remove the large gold couch, they find a body outline in red tape on the floor. Gen lies down in it.

As Erik and Courtney run into their neighbours' house, Courtney pushes Erik in to the bushes, hollering, "Get out of my way!" They find Doug with a sledgehammer, menacing the mantel. He asks them to take all the tchotchkes off the mantel as he wonders what their ideas are for the room. Courtney says it looks like he's off to a great start. Doug describes the fireplace as "just, architecturally, a nightmare." Sing it, brother! Can I get an "Amen"? He says they're going to build a whole new surround for the fireplace, and gives Crying Pam a little shout-out (her first of several), saying, "This one, they're gonna love...there's gonna be no tears shed on this fireplace, all right?" Crying Pam redefines the idea of never living something down. Doug says they're going to mimic the feel of the armoire, and that they're going for a little Spanish sort of thing -- a touch of Europe. He says he found a chair in a consignment store for a couple hundred bucks, and that they're going to put in some linen drapes, and pull down the ugly ceiling fan. He says they might put one back up if the money's in the budget. He tells them to unload the room. Aw, we don't get to see him knock the crap out of that ugly mantel? And yet I had to watch Hildi destroy a Craftsman mantel? What a rip-off. Doug gives the mantel a couple of perfunctory taps. It looks like, during the room unloading, Doug and Courtney are playing Battleship or something similar on the floor. He does actually help a bit with the unloading, though.

Gen explains that they're going to try to recreate the background of the poster by doing a colour wash. Jerome asks if they're doing the ceiling, too. Gen says the ceiling will be a little bit hard, and I guess that's a yes, but it could be a no. She says they're going for a subtle, aging effect on the walls. She says black will be the fabric colour. This could be quite a stunning room.

Doug does his paint reveal, and he makes a big sarcastic production out of it, exaggerating the excitement before showing the colour, which is a soft sage green. Erik says it's Ghostbusters green, but since I've never seen that movie, I don't know what he's talking about. Wing probably does. ["Not really, unless he means it's the same colour as Slimer." -- Wing Chun] Courtney says it's really pretty. Doug says it's almost the same colour as the dining room, so Angie and Jerome can't complain about it. Now, in this light and most of the daylight shots, it looks like a blue-toned green, but in the evening shot at the end of Day One, it looks a bit more of a yellow-toned green -- more olive. The colour is, in fact, called Ashen Olive. Either way, I like it.

Gen shows them the base colour, acknowledging that it's pretty yellow. It's very lemon yellow, that's for sure. It's almost an acid yellow. She shows them the other two colours, one of which is an orangey yellow -- almost a squash colour -- and the other of which is a dark orange. She reminds them that this will all be diluted. She wonders if Erik and Courtney are going to like this; Angie thinks so. Gen asks if they like it; Jerome says he does. Gen says that's all that matters, because if they like it, they'll have fun doing it, and it'll "look like fun" when their neighbours come home.

Doug and his team are painting. Love the green he chose -- very restful, liveable colour. He's excited about the fireplace surround, and says he's going to put a mirror in the centre, and steal some candlesticks from the dining room and mount them on the sides. Doug mentions that he and Ty are working out their ideas for the fireplace. Erik wonders whose ideas usually win out; Doug tries to equivocate and say that the results are a combination of both their ideas, but can't resist leaning down to whisper, "I do."

Jerome's taking down the ceiling fan as Gen's painting the wall the bright yellow base colour. She rolls some paint down the wall and says the yellow will end there. Jerome wonders if she's just going to stop there, and have yellow to white. Gen giggles and rolls some paint onto him. He objects and Gen giggles, asking Angie if he didn't deserve that. She explains that in all these new houses, they have walls that "extend for, like, two miles," and she says they'll do molding in between that will make it look like a finished wall. Yeah, I doubt that. That never looks right. Of course, because the room share walls with other rooms, they have to stop somewhere, but this practice of choosing a point and slapping up some window casing or other molding doesn't look good at all. No, I don't know what the solution is, other than painting all the walls. I just know this looks like ass. Anyway...so far, they haven't painted the ceiling, either. I hope they do.

Doug talks to Ty in front of the armoire, which has been moved into the living room. He says the armoire is the inspiration for the new fireplace faade he's envisioned. He asserts that the armoire is a bit Spanish in style, and he wants to mimic that in the fireplace. He says he's not sure how much time Ty has for the project, but that he wants to put a lot of money toward it. Ty: "Toward me, or toward the project?" Ty says if Doug puts the money toward him, he can actually put a lot more effort into it.

Gen says to Jerome that she's heard he has a little "nudity fixation." Jerome denies it, saying he's just one with nature. Gen kicks up one of her bare feet and says, "Hey, me too!" Gen says she's heard he's been known to streak. Angie confirms this. Jerome, as a father of three, declines to comment.

MPDP hangs over Doug as he gives painting instructions to Courtney. He mentions that all the fireplace tile will be covered up; MPDP wonders if their neighbours will mind. Jokes are made about the "precious" tile, and MPDP says that she's always leery with fireplace issues. Doug promises her they'll be crying tears of joy over this fireplace.

Angie wonders what they're using to apply the colour wash on the walls, and mentions that she's used Jerome's tube socks to do things like that. Gen says they'll use cotton rags. Jerome suggests Erik's underwear. Gen agrees to this, saying it will save her some money on the budget. Gen and Angie discuss whether Erik is a tighty-whitey guy.

MPDP asks Erik and Courtney how they feel about their fireplace. Erik says they can do whatever they want to it. MPDP comments that that is music to her ears. Erik says he doesn't want it boarded up.

Gen and Ty are outside talking to each other behind a tall fence. She says she wanted to catch him before he goes back to his world. I am briefly hopeful for a clue about what planet, exactly, that is, but Ty simply makes reference his "[his] land -- Tyland." Har. Gen tells him that she needs a fireplace and suspended shelves. They come out in front of the fence, and Gen spins off into one of her free-association descriptions of what she wants, as Ty struggles to follow along: "Fireplace...Art Deco, yeah? Solid columns, floor to ceiling...marble floor...black...mahogany mantelpiece, yeah, around the, around the little...wall that sticks out." She actually does have a drawing, which in addition to the foregoing indicates that the poster will be hung above the mantel in a wide frame.

Doug and Erik are in the garage; Doug is adding a slightly darker stain to two bar stools that are currently a very blond wood. He just wants them a little darker to relate better to the other furniture in the room.

Gen continues with the dramatic gesturing, saying that the TV is going to be on a suspended shelf. Ty complains about having to build two fireplaces. Gen wonders if she's supposed to feel sorry for him. Ty says he doesnt care if she does or not. They natter at each other for a bit.

Doug shows Erik the consignment-store chair he bought for $200. It came from a model home somewhere in Austin. Doug says that every room has to have a little quirk in it, as he takes the dropcloth off a small side chair upholstered in a black and white newspaper print. Erik says he likes it. Doug plants himself in it as Erik says his wife might "have some news about it."

Gen shows her team what they're going to do with the "old ugly couch." Jerome: "It's outta here!" Gen says no, and objects, "We have a thousand bucks, you guys! I can't buy new couches." Frink and I say in unison, "Vern does it." Angie figures out that they're going to recover them. The couch is made up of several small armless sections simply pushed together. Gen wants them to bolt the couches together with metal brackets, and then they'll be slipcovered. Gen hands Angie this big dark red hydrangea-ish flower she's been carting around, and shows them this busy black and white fabric which she describes as really graphic and really elegant. It's really busy, that's for damn sure. I'm not feeling the love for this fabric in this room.

Courtney comes out to the garage to tell Doug they've almost finished painting. He tells her she can help with staining the bar stools. She starts working on that and then Doug decides to call her attention to the newsprint chair. Her reaction is to sputter out a giggle and say, "Well, that's nice...I don't know..."