Austin: Aire Libre Drive

Shout-out to echobinki.

Well, MPDP's in denim and a cowboy hat, so we must be in Texas. Frank gets out of a big-ass pickup truck and opens the door for Kia, who's sitting behind the driver's seat, as MPDP voice-overs that they've been listening to two hours of "Are we there yet?" from Ty. We see Ty through the back window, looking as pathetic as a puppy in a mall pet store. Frank and Kia pretend to consider releasing him, but Frank says, "Aw, let him rot!" They walk away as Ty pleads to be let out.

Shot of two little dogs -- the kind that look yappy to me. One is wearing a t-shirt and neckerchief. Their names are Coco and Kitty. Suzi and Guido are their humans. MPDP jokes that the dogs would like a fire-hydrant theme, but that the homeowners have something else in mind. We see a shot of an aggressively bland beige and white living room: beige walls, beige ceramic tile on the floor, beige upholstered furniture, white wood trim, white blinds. There's a bright red plaid and floral area rug, though. And they have what may be the hugest freaking TV I've yet seen on this show: it's as wide as their entire fireplace (with mantel) and taller to boot. There are shelves built in around the giant hole for the TV. They'd like to see colour in the room, and definitely some curtains. Guido says they'd like a Tuscan theme. Sure, because nothing says the Italian countryside like a TV the size of Hildi's ego. They're from Italy, so they'd like to see that heritage incorporated into the house. They want end tables and a coffee table. They explain that they bought the furniture before moving into this house with its incredibly bland colour scheme, so they didn't know it was all going to be so neutral. They're open to the furniture being recovered. They'd like the room to be functional for the dogs, but "nothing too crazy," Guido cautions. The clothed dog growls at something offscreen...probably Kia, is my guess. Suzi says that Guido's kind of conservative.

Suzi and Guido's neighbours, Anu and Uttam, are sitting on their couch, making a list on their laptop of things they want to see in their living room. Professor Frink, who's Indian, nearly drops the baked squash he's eating when he sees that they're South Asian. He's all impressed and everything, never having seen any South Asian HOs on the show. He asks me if they're the first; I kind of think I've seen at least one other but I'm not sure. The items we can see, in reverse order from number four up, are: "New look to furniture," "Blend comfort with style," "More seating for guests," "Gorgeous fabric," "Paint vs. wallpaper," "Entertainment center left a --" (gets cut off there), and finally, "Pretty mantle [sic]." I want to see the first three items -- probably "No hay/moss/flora/fauna glued to walls," "No fun little borders," and "Please do not paint our upholstery." Their living room is almost as powerfully neutral as their neighbours', only more white and grey: white walls and ceiling, pale grey carpet, modern glass coffee and side tables, white blinds, white upholstered sofa, white woodwork, white ceiling fan, and an entertainment centre in a dark reddish brown stain. And two upholstered recliners in a dark red fabric. The fireplace is tiled in black. Anu says she'd like to see warm earthy tones and nice fabric and beautiful drapes: "Silk curtains would be awesome." Uttam says they've tried a lot of different combinations of things in there but ended up with too many busy colours. Uh oh. The odds of receiving "too many busy colours" from either of the designers on board seem high. He seems concerned about the room being too busy. Anu says she pretty much decides how the house is going to look at, and Uttam supplies the brawn. This couple seems really cute, but I could be projecting because they remind me of some of my relatives.

Key swap. Texas/cowboy puns, whatever.

Frank -- wearing a loud yellow, orange and red shirt with a wild pattern on it -- is perched on the hearth, adding up his receipts. When Anu and Uttam arrive, he shows them the total and they gasp. They're $123.56 over budget. Already. He asks for their ideas for the room, hoping they're more economical than his. Anu suggests colour, and drapes. Uttam suggests colour for the fireplace. Frank says they're going to leave the mantel white but put colour around it. Frank goes into his "here's my plan" interpretive dance, jumping around and gesturing as he tells them Suzi and Guido need a coffee table, end tables, upholstery, cushions, art on the walls, shelves, etc. Anu and Uttam approve. He suggests leaving the TV where it is. Sure thing -- who needs the hernia? I doubt there's money in the budget for a crane. They clear the room.

Kia jumps up to hug Suzi when Suzi and Guido arrive. With the blinds open now, you can see that this room gets wonderful light in the morning. One wall is almost completely windows. Kia's wearing a black outfit of bomber jacket and cropped pants with spike-heeled boots. There's some kind of orange and yellow image on the back of her jacket that I can't make out, but Frink keeps saying it looks like a pair of lungs. Kia asks what their ideas are. Suzi definitely wants to see colour on the walls. Just once, I'd like to get a little sarcasm from a homeowner in one of these incredibly neutral rooms and have them say, "You know, Kia, I don't think this room is bland enough. Let's get this plaid throw and these red candles out of here." Is it just me, or did they use to dis the rooms on the show a lot more back in Season One and Two? Mind you, the rooms used to be more aggressively hellish, on the whole, rather than just these insipid, cookie-cutter McMansion rooms over and over again. I want to see more aggressively hellish rooms, dammit. Guido suggests window treatments or curtains. Suzi says their couch is ten years old so it needs a little help. Actually, for a ten-year-old white couch, it looks pretty good. Kia mentions the recliners, and Suzi says Anu's okay with them going; she expects it. Kia's happy about that. Kia's plan is to paint, put up a "fabulous window treatment," and create a better furniture arrangement. Kia says that they are then going on a "shopping spree" -- they're going to "shop throughout the house." They're going to be "redecorating by relocating." In other words: "I blew half the budget on the fugtastic window treatment, and now we need to raid the rest of the house for stuff to use in here." But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Kia argues that she knows Anu likes the other things she'll be using because they're in her house. God, I would hate for anyone to apply that reasoning to the hideous orange upholstered chair in our guest room, the wallpaper in my upstairs hallway, the crappy IKEA shelving in our living room, or the godawful ceiling fan in my kitchen. Some things we're just stuck with because we can't afford to redo the entire house in one fell swoop, but it doesn't mean I like them. Kia, Guido, and Suzi unload the room.

MPDP arrives as Uttam is taping the walls. Frank's ready to reveal his paint: it's peach. Again. My God, he's just never met a shade of pinkish-orange he didn't adore, has he? All of you ragging on Laurie for her frequent use of yellow and Vern for his love of red ought to be breathing down Frank's neck for the fairly relentless onslaught of peach, blush, coral, salmon, orange, etc. There've been damn few rooms he didn't managed to work some peach into somewhere. I hate, hate, hate peach. This is a very yellowy peach, but it's still peach. MPDP wonders if they're calling amber or butter or butterscotch or what; Frank says it's "Canyon Clay." He dabs some on the wall; Anu says it's beautiful.

Kia shows her first colour; it's a very soft, light yellow-toned green. Suzi says it's gorgeous. The fireplace wall is going to be a different colour, which she calls "Bronco Brown." On my screen, it looks like a very soft pumpkin colour. The two colours separately don't seem bad, but together, I'm thinking, "Yikes."

Frank's other colour is a sort of a fast-food restaurant orange. If it dries a lot darker, maybe to a burnt orange, it might be okay. That will be the fireplace wall base colour; then they're putting a glaze over it. They're going to do some faux finish or other. Frank shows them a bit of the glaze on his finger, saying that it's close to the colour on the wall but will give it more of a reddish tint. That could be nice, but I'm still hating the peach paint. Frank dabs some on the wall as MPDP comments to his team, "You just never know where that finger's been." Yeesh, thanks for loading me up with that image.

Kia paints some Bronco Brown on the wall, whereupon it looks much more brown and not so pumpkiny. Kia asks her team whether to paint the mantel the same colour or leave it white. Guido thinks they should leave it white.

Frank cautions his team to be frugal with the paint, because if they run out they'll have to use crayons. I'm guessing one particular crayon: "Flesh Tone." Which I think they stopped making some years ago, once Crayola executives realized that the notion was racist and ludicrous. ["They still make the colour, but it's called...yes, peach." -- Wing Chun] This is MPDP's first clue that he's over budget: "Where's your emergency fund?" He confesses how much he's already over budget, much to MPDP's horror: "Already? You showed up over budget?" Frank bleats that it just happened. MPDP launches some sarcasm: "What do you mean 'it just happened'? You put things in the cart, you pay for them: 'Oh, I'm over budget!'" Frank looks dramatically up at God. Don't look there. God doesn't like peach, either. Trust me.

Kia's team has some green on the wall, where it looks like a much more blue-toned green than it did in the can. On the wall it's a soft sagey green -- nice enough. Man, one of the most challenging things about recapping this show is trying to describe the colours accurately. Between the vagaries of television screens, differing lighting conditions, wet paint, dry paint, and my own subjectivity as well as everyone else's, it's no walk in the park. I know, you're crying in your five-dollar lattes for me. Then I find out it's tinted primer on the walls. Kia's surprised at how great the colour is; Suzi says she was telling Guido that if this were the wall colour she'd be okay with it. Kia, quietly: "I'd be okay with this, too." She says the primer is covering well, too, and adds that Guido is doing a good job, complimenting him on his W formation. She adds, "Because I've been known to strangle a homeowner or two." She's not kidding, either.

Kia's still sketching all over the sidewalk. Ty figures out she needs six pieces of wood cut, which will take him fifteen minutes. Kia says she doesn't need anything else. Ty can't believe it: "I could weave you a basket, or something." Now that I'd like to see. I hope she takes him up on it.

Frank paints and says, "I won't mention that I'm over budget. Not me, because I'm a professional." Anu: "But it's Uttam's fault!" Frank pretends to get indignant and snaps, "It was not!" Anu says he painted an area he shouldn't have. Uttam, in a good-natured way: "It is always my fault in our house. It's always my fault. You just have to accept it." Frank and Uttam commiserate over how men should just say, "Yes, honey, you're right," and move on, it's much better. Uttam says you learn that when you get married. Frank says he's been married a lot longer than Uttam, and gestures to his wedding ring, saying that a wedding ring cuts off all the blood to your brain. We get a close-up of Frank's ring (note the Superman ring on his other hand). Uttam laughs as Anu groans disapprovingly. Frank and Uttam share a high five: "I hear ya, brother!" Thank God we can count on the various reality shows on television, from Trading Spaces to Joe Millionaire, to constantly reinforce the most tedious sex-role stereotypes. It's important to keep passing those down to each successive generation, and TV is an ideal medium for that.

Kia and her team unpack a big piece of flat-packed furniture. One wall is completely primer green; the other wall is mostly Bronco Brown. Not loving these colours together. Kia says that this is what they're replacing the recliners with. Over the noise of the ripping and tearing, Kia says they asked for "romantic" and adds, "I see a baby ready already!" It turns out to be a very flimsy-looking metal daybed/settee, with a back much like a headboard. That doesn't look like the world's sturdiest baby-making apparatus if you ask me.

Frank and his team are outside. He's getting ready to paint a screen. He explains that his concept for decorating this screen is to tape off some lines and paint them gold, green, and dark brown. "Just lines -- no animals or anything." No animals? No chickens? We'll see. No matter what Frank says, he usually can't resist some kuntry kutesy touch somewhere.

Kia asks her team what colour they're going to paint the settee. How should they know? Is it really up to them, or is this just for show? Suzi and Guido appear not to know. Kia says, "We have gold glaze, we have the bronco walls, we have the moss walls." I wouldn't say "moss wall" on this show if I were you, Kia. Guido thinks it should be all gold. Suzi doesn't think so.

Anu and Uttam paint the screen as she wonders if the other team is going to choose funky colours like that for their house. Uttam hopes so, saying that he doesn't really think these colours are funky, but more earth tones, like they wanted for their house. He asks if she's afraid they're going to do bright colours. Anu says she doesn't know why, but she thinks they are.