“ MPDP says that, in just one hour, their homeowners will see their rooms for the very first time, and we'll be there to 'witness it' as they open their eyes. You know, it's not like seeing the Berlin Wall come down or Nelson Mandela walk out of jail, or anything. ”
Well, I usually start out telling you what MPDP's wearing, but let me tell you what I'm wearing in honour of the big deal live reveal in Vegas (baby): I usually write (in the wintertime, anyway, which lasts nine months here) in whatever sloppy, comfortable combination of pyjama pants/fleece top/sweater/four pairs of socks comes to hand. Not today! I'm prancing around in gold sequinned pyjamas today with feathery mules and a fuchsia boa. And more sparkly eyeshadow than Paula Abdul. And really frighteningly shiny lip gloss.
I'm so not. Sorry, red flannel penguin jammies, as usual.
Anyway. A full moon appears on camera, and MPDP tells us they're on a suburban street in Las Vegas. She says they're getting ready for the first ever live episode of Trading Spaces, but of course, it's just the reveal that's live. Words in the upper left corner say: "LIVE! 9:00 ET." MPDP's wearing a photoprint Las Vegas t-shirt and jeans. She says that, in just one hour, their homeowners will see their rooms for the very first time, and we'll be there to "witness it" as they open their eyes. You know, it's not like seeing the Berlin Wall come down or Nelson Mandela walk out of jail, or anything. Lordy. As exciting TV events go, this is probably somewhere just above seeing who gets kicked off the island in the first episode of the umpty-fifth run of Survivor. MPDP says it's a big gamble and now we're going to meet the people brave enough to do this. My God, get the Purple Hearts ready. But before we meet those heroic Americans, MPDP says, "Speaking of taking a risk...guess who's in town?" We suddenly switch to the taped portion of the show.
Ah, it's the Gruesome Twosome. Doug and Hildi pull up to a drive-in wedding window in a vintage white convertible. It looks like it has a vanity license plate, but I can't read it. MPDP pretends to refer to them as newlyweds -- oops, designers -- as we get close-ups of the two of them. Hildi's in a wedding dress (if something that looks like a white nylon peignoir set with a white feather boa can be considered a wedding dress), with some red lipstick that is just way too garish on her; she's also clutching a mess of dark pink flowers. Doug's wearing a suit and a bowler hat that makes him look uncomfortably Alex-in-A-Clockwork-Orange. Hildi and Doug simper at the person opening the wedding window, "Justice of the Peace" Amy Wynn Pastor. They should have done this right in a chapel and gotten her a proper vestments. Then she could be Pastor Pastor. Doug asks, "When do we kiss?" He's trying to sound excited, but he'd probably be more jazzed about an appendectomy. Amy Wynn says, "After the ceremony!" Doug tells her to get on with it. Amy Wynn's waving around something that looks like a car antenna with a red heart stuck on the end, and she announces, "You are wed." Hildi says that was easy. Doug turns to Hildi, puts his arm around her, and leans in. The camera angle changes quickly from behind Hildi to Amy Wynn's perspective from the window. That was the most passionless peck I've ever seen. I've seen juicier air kisses. Hildi laughs at the hopelessness of it and says, "Open your mouth!" Doug turns to the camera and shrugs, like, "What are you gonna do?" God, that was painful. I know some viewers will draw some conclusions about Doug's much-speculated-about orientation based on this segment, but let's remember: it's the Dark Princess of the Sith, here.
Vegas: LIVE!
“ We cut to the homeowners, two couples playing cards in a kitchen: Caysi and Stephen and Jeff and Kim. Man, I hope someday we get two couples named Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice. ”
We cut to the homeowners, two couples playing cards in a kitchen: Caysi and Stephen and Jeff and Kim. Man, I hope someday we get two couples named Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice. That would be hilarious. Caysi and Stephen want their bedroom redone. It's a white box, with three windows, and beige carpet. The windows have white blinds. There's a huge bed between two of the windows, with a random assortment of bed coverings on it. Apparently, they're having trouble finding a comforter large enough for it. It seems like a king-size bed; I don't know why they should be having such trouble. Caysi says it's because it's so tall. I guess it's a little taller than the norm, but I think they could probably find a comforter that would cover most of it, and then put a tailored bed skirt over the box spring and have it look pretty decent. Or, you know, sew something. Whatever. The room is one of the least decorated I can ever remember seeing on the show. I mean, I suppose it would be possible to have made less effort, but I'm not sure how. There's a floor lamp on one side of the bed. They have two coolers in the room which I think are functioning as tables, not as coolers, but who knows? They say they want the coolers to stay, but I'm pretty sure they're kidding. But they say they love the room and love the bed. There's a low chest of drawers on one wall in a sort of dark honey-toned wood. There's a small two-drawer chest in an orangey-toned wood with a TV on it, opposite the end of the bed. They want the room to be a place to relax, settle down and take it easy. Caysi requests, "Please don't put a stripper pole in my room. Nothing Las Vegas. Nothing Elvis...oh pleeeeease, nothing Elvis." Stephen wants no shrines to Elvis. Both want something they don't see every day.
Jeff -- who makes me think of a bald Adam Goldberg (with any luck he won't go all Eddie Menuek on our asses) -- and Kim want their family room redone. It's another white box, with pink carpet, and very ugly and dated-looking brown overstuffed sofas with rolled arms and wooden detailing. One sofa is on a wall in front of two windows with white blinds. Another one is on a wall in front of a huge rectangular opening into the room, an office. That is a pointless architectural "feature" if ever I saw one. I pray that the designer decides to build it in. Anyway, it's a very dull and uninviting room. Jeff is tired of "getting crap about the carpet," and says that everyone compares it to Pepto-Bismol. It's not quite that shade of pink -- it's dustier and less lurid -- but it's not good. They would be fine if the carpet disappeared. Kim likes the couches because they're comfortable. She likes the fabric, but is not attached to the colour or print. Kim would like the big hole covered somehow. Drywall should do it. Jeff says that no matter how much Caysi says she doesn't want a stripper pole, she should definitely get one. Kim says they'll be fighting over that one later.
Key swap. MPDP is really chuffed about being in Las Vegas because she loves it there and got married there. Yada yada.
Vegas: LIVE!
“ All Hildi will say is that they're doing something to the carpet. Which makes me think she's talking about dyeing it, or maybe she's going to get down there with nail scissors and sculpt texture into it. ”
Caysi and Stephen find Hildi posing on one leg in the big hole in the wall. She climbs down onto the sofa and tells her team that this room is all about this opening. Damn. I was really hoping the opening would no longer be around to be discussed. Hildi says she was checking it out for size. They dis the room for a bit, and Hildi asks them what they're doing about the room. Caysi: "Getting rid of the pink and the '80s? Covering the hole, hopefully?" Stephen wants to get rid of the view into the office, and do something with the stereo. Hildi says they're going to emphasize the opening (sigh), and "Since this is Las Vegas, we're going to create the illusion of another one on that wall." Hildi says they're doing something to the carpet; Stephen hopes they're taking it out. All Hildi will say is that they're doing something to the carpet. Which makes me think she's talking about dyeing it, or maybe she's going to get down there with nail scissors and sculpt texture into it. God only knows. They're going to add architectural elements to the room, and emphasize the ceiling with lights. They unload the room.
Jeff and Kim find Doug opening one of the neighbours' coolers and finding a day planner. He opens it and starts rummaging through it. My husband flips out. He didn't care for Doug's apparent invasion of privacy when he ransacked a female homeowner's panty drawer in Houston, either. Doug stops pretending to snoop through the day planner and ask for his team's thoughts. Jeff wants a headboard or something. Kim says that the coolers have got to go. Doug asks about colours. Kim wants colour everywhere. Doug says there's going to be colour and lots of stuff. They make jokes about stripper poles and mirrors on the ceiling. I guarantee that, by the end of this episode, you're never going to want to hear the phrase "stripper pole" again as long as you live. ["Wherease normally, I welcome the phrase into conversation like a lovely little poem. Not." -- Wing Chun] Doug thinks they can "combinate" a lot of those things. He wants to paint the ceiling "blush," add a crown molding in ivory, put a Venetian plaster finish on the walls, add new thrift-shop bedside tables, build a round om-wah, and paint some furniture. The room gets unloaded while Doug sits on a chest of drawers and reads through the day planner. My husband makes a sound of annoyance but says nothing more. We're both kind of tired of the "Doug doesn't lift a finger" schtick, too. At the end of the sequence, they unroll and throw around some wrapping paper they find under the bed.
Hildi and Caysi pry up the carpet. So it does seem to be going, thank God.
Doug does his paint reveal. He says they're going for a "nice punch of colour" on the ceiling. So then why are you going to paint this hideous peach colour on it? Gah. I just finished recapping Laurie's salmon dining room, now I gotta look at this? I hate all pinkish-orange colours. I don't care if you call them salmon, peach, blush, coral, Barbie skin, or whatever. Maybe I was traumatized by a Crayola "flesh"-toned crayon as a child, I don't know. (And did anything ever look less like any human flesh than that crayon? I think not.) Kim digs the colour; Jeff denounces it as peach. Jeff is my new boyfriend. Kim asks if he's worried that it matches his bald head. Heh. Doug gives Jeff some crap about having a pink carpet. Jeff says it's "rose." Yeah, that makes it sound even less wussy. Doug: "You have no say in colour choices here. You picked pink carpet, buddy!" The bumper to the commercial is Hildi tossing her bouquet out of the convertible as they drive away from the wedding window. Of course, no one's there to catch it.
Vegas: LIVE!
The first commercial break features the one of the special spots taped just for this show. This one stars Doug, in a gold and black animal print tuxedo jacket, saying he's got a few aces up his sleeve. Before going back into the show, there's another one with Amy Wynn all dolled up, too.
Doug tells his team to get on with painting the ceiling, assuring them that once the paint is on the ceiling, it won't be as apparent as it is sitting in the tray. We can only hope. Jeff pretends not to know how to paint. Kim insists that the paint looks great. She's totally sucking up to Doug. She's Doug's new girlfriend.
Hildi and Stephen wrap up the carpet and try to carry it out, but Hildi trips on the roll of underpadding and falls. She falls on the carpet roll and underpadding, though, so no damage done. As she leaves the room, she finally answers the question she's been avoiding from her team: "We're putting down an orange floor." Caysi: "What? What did you just say?" Hildi: "You heard me." Caysi: "An orange floor?"
Doug opens a big bucket packed full of a dark fudgy brown substance. He takes some in his latex-gloved hand, and announces, to Kim's incredulous look, that they're going to trowel on brown Venetian plaster. He says, "I'm going to call this room 'Dirty'" (or "dirrty," more likely), and flings a brown glob at the wall. You're forgiven if you're put in mind of a monkey flinging its crap at the walls of its cage. Jeff hoots as Doug smears the brown goo on the wall and Kim freaks. Doug assures them, "This room is gonna be dirty, in every regard." He says he's got some surprises up his sleeve. Jeff wants to know if that's the colour it's going to be. Dude, are you not listening? Doug says it is. He tells them to finish painting the ceiling, because they have to prime the walls first and get the base coat of plaster on.
Hildi comes into the room where her team is taking up the underpadding, revealing the concrete subfloor, and asks what's wrong with an orange floor. Well, ask the Angies, I guess. Caysi says they're trying to figure that out. Hildi unrolls a print and says that the inspiration for the room is this painting she bought in London. It's an image of room with soffits and columns, an orange tile floor in two tones, red and blue walls, and a purplish-blue ceiling. For no good reason, the picture makes me think of Ayn Rand. No, I can't explain it. And no, that's not a good thing. Hildi apologizes, saying that the painting's suffered a bit having been dragged around in her suitcase for a couple of months. Hildi rhapsodizes about the picture. Stephen likes it; Caysi's not so sure.