Scott Air Force Base: Ash Creek

MPDP welcomes us to the show while sitting in the cockpit of an airplane. She explains that they are on Scott Air Force Base and then makes a bunch of military puns that aren't worth repeating, as usual. We see Kia and Doug checking out some sort of miniature motorized airplane, and then Ty runs up and hops in it and starts driving it around. Cool! I kind of want one of those. Ty nearly hits Doug right in the nuts with the nose of the plane, and I laughed, because I'm five. MPDP explains that Scott Air Force Base is "an air mobility command base," and that planes take off from there to refuel Air Force jets in midair. I wonder if the Air Force made her put that bit of propaganda into the show, because otherwise it seemed a bit strange. But MPDP does take the opportunity to segue into another bad pun about how there's no time to refuel for the designers and homeowners.

The first set of homeowners is Bernadette and Pete, and their young son Mark, whose bedroom is being redone. We see the room, which is cluttered with lots of toys and no discernible design -- like a lot of kids' rooms, it's pretty much just whatever furniture the parents could find, buy, or scavenge all shoved into one space. Plus, and I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, lots of toys. And then the usual white walls and beige carpet. Bernadette voice-overs that Mark would love a loft bed or a bunk bed, or anything up in the air. Mark says that he would love for his bed to be an airplane. Or something. I mean, he's a little kid and he doesn't speak that clearly, so I don't think I quite got his entire sentence. But I know he said "airplane" about five times. Pete says that the worst thing he could see happening is if there isn't enough room for Mark to play in. If I were a homeowner, I seriously would not answer the question, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Because it seems like that always happens. Bernadette says that as long as Mark is pleased, she'll be fine.

The second set of homeowners, Patrick and Ruth, are the owners of that cool airplane. MPDP voice-overs that they are "hoping for an escape from their military life in the living and dining room area." The rooms are pretty blah, with a bunch of furniture just thrown in there. It's very "young married couple who haven't bought real furniture yet" kind of thing. And especially if they have to move around all the time, being in the military, I'm sure they don't want to invest in expensive furniture that they might have to leave behind. Anyway, they don't need me to justify their furniture choices. One couch is covered with a sad-looking red striped slipcover. There are also signs of a baby (toys, photos), although we never see or hear about the baby in the episode. Ruth says that with base housing, they're used to white walls and beige carpet, but the one thing she doesn't want is any kind of military theme, because while they love the Air Force, they want their home to be a place to escape all of that. Patrick says that they want to accent the bay window, and additional storage. Ruth says that the biggest thing that she wants done is a change to their chair. We see an ivory leather recliner (which is bad enough in and of itself) that has a black spot in the center top. Ruth explains that Patrick has somehow rubbed a spot on the chair through his constant use. That is weird. An ass groove? Sure. But a head groove? Does he use hair oil or something? Man, that chair is ugly. Patrick says that the worst thing that could happen is if Ruth is upset at the end. Again, don't answer that question, future homeowners! Just don't answer it!

MPDP, wearing a flight jumpsuit (which actually doesn't look bad on her), initiates the key swap. She manages to bungle military time ("oh eight hundred in the morning" -- as opposed to oh eight hundred in the evening? Because wouldn't that be twenty hundred?) before the keys are finally swapped. MPDP is also wearing a lot more eyeliner than usual.

Bernadette and Pete go in to meet Kia. They run into the house, but Kia is nowhere to be found. If only she got lost or something! This episode would have turned out so much differently! MPDP says that they can't start without a designer, and then they hear a clanking noise from the roof. Cut to outside, where Kia is standing on the roof, wearing a jumpsuit and a parachute. MPDP finds her and cackles. Is this supposed to be funny? Because it's just dumb. And a waste of time. Like, in the time Kia took to get into that getup and get up there, she could have been planning the room. And we'll see by the end of the episode that it definitely could have used more planning. Kia asks Bernadette and Pete what they want to see. Pete says that they want colors and warmth. Kia says she sees three colors, some lighting, some architectural detail, and "some special type of drapery fabric possibly floating in." So she's going to use the parachute for drapes? Interesting. The clearing-the-room montage follows.

Ruth and Patrick run in to meet Doug, who is busy tying his shoes. I really like the miniature chair Doug is sitting in and I wish he had designed the room around that. Doug asks what they have in mind for the room, and reveals that tomorrow is Mark's birthday (he'll be five), so they want to do something special. Ruth wants the room to get some organization, because of all the toy clutter. Doug says that he has a "Route 66 motif" planned. He explains that he will have the front end of a car coming out of the wall, and the hood will contain a toy chest. And then the back end of a car will come out of the other wall, and it will contain a bed. Now, when he said this, I thought he was going to build something that looked like a car -- you know, like the race car bed that Ricky Schroeder had on Silver Spoons. And I thought, "Cool!" Doug explains that the cars will be on a road, and the road will continue up the wall and onto the ceiling. Doug asks the homeowners to clear the room while he finishes tying his shoes. True to his word (and true to form), Doug sits in the chair reading while the homeowners do all of the room clearing themselves.

Kia opens a crate that contains paint and her master plan. Wait, she has a master plan? I should also note that Kia is wearing gray camouflage pants which are so 2000. Kia explains that they are going to add "architectural detail" (she really loves that phrase) by using molding as a chair rail, and then they are going to put a wallpaper border in between two chair rails. You know where I've seen that done? Room by Room on HGTV. And while I love that show, it's mostly for the camp value, because the hosts are such gaylords. In fact, my husband and I refer to it as The Gaylord Show. Just to give you an idea of what level Kia is working from.

And then it gets worse when Kia reveals the border she plans to use -- it's gray camouflage. Remember when the homeowners said the one thing they didn't want? Anything military-related? Yeah, exactly. For some reason, Bernadette and Pete think the wallpaper border is super-cool. Or at least they act like they do. And while I can understand not wanting to make a big scene, and waiting until they see the whole plan before the criticize it, they never tell Kia that they don't like the plan, or that they don't think Ruth and Patrick will like it. I'm not saying that they had to be like the Angies who refused to dye the carpet or anything, but they could at least voice some discontent and hope for some modifications. Kia sings, "There's a method to my madness." There is? Where? I've yet to see it.

Doug pulls out a dark gray carpet, which he explains will be the roadway. Ruth thinks it's cool.

MPDP voice-overs that Kia is painting the walls in varying shades of gray, light for the dining room and darker for the living room. When she said she was giving them color, I assumed she meant "a color that wasn't completely neutral." Kia explains that the room will be "military chic." She paints the wall a bit, and Bernadette and Pete comment on how light the color is. Kia says that she wants to use light colors to make the room look as big as possible. Why? It seems like a pretty big room to start out with. I mean, you don't want to turn it into a cave or anything, but it's not like it's a tiny room that you're trying to make look normal-sized.

Kia reveals the darker gray and explains that it will be used for the molding and other trim, as well as for the living room area. So she wants to make the room look bigger, so she's going to divide it in half? If she wants to make it look bigger, wouldn't it make sense to have it look like one room, and use furniture and other, subtler cues to delineate each area?

Ruth and Patrick discuss what might be going on in their own home as they smooth down the carpet. Ruth looks at the carpet they are working on and says that she doesn't want gray, because while gray is good for a road, it's not good for a living room. Oh, man. I'm cringing in anticipation of the reveal already.

Pete gets clarification from Kia that they will be working as if they have two separate rooms. Bernadette asks how much of the room will be done in the camouflage border. Kia says that it will only go on the dining room side. Bernadette asks if it will go from the wainscoting up. Kia, who I have to imagine doesn't know what wainscoting is, says that it will be either six or eight inches, and Pete and Bernadette get to decide which. Bernadette mentions that Ruth was a little nervous about the whole military theme. Kia ignores her and blathers on about the width of the molding.

Ty unloads some tools as a truck horn blares in the background. Doug walks out and says he has a little surprise for Ty; his brothers are arriving to help him out. Doug waves the tractor-trailer over as he says that his brothers got him a car. Ty looks confused. More than usual. Doug introduces the first three men who get out as his brothers, then the two as his nephews, and the final two as his friends. Were they really his brothers? I thought it was all a big joke, but who knows? Maybe they were his brothers. It's funny, because these men keep pouring out of the cab of the truck, like, where did they hide them all? Ty asks Doug if his parents ever took a break.

Bernadette asks Pete what he thinks they are doing in Mark's room, because Mark said a number of different ideas, including jungle, airplane, car, and truck. My bedroom growing up was yellow and orange. Don't ask. And I hated it. So one day I asked my mom why she chose those colors for my room, and she said that when they built it, they asked me what colors I wanted, and I said yellow and orange. I was probably a little younger than Mark, but not much. So maybe I'm biased, but I don't think it's always a great idea to let a young kid pick the theme for his or her room. Pete points out that Doug is a wild card, and you never know what he's going to do. Bernadette says that as long as Mark loves it, they'll love it. Pete reminds her that Mark said that Doug was his favorite designer. I can see why a five-year-old would like Doug. He does goofy things. Although I would think Ty would be the overall five-year-old favorite.

Doug explains his car idea to Ty, using the actual sawed-in-half cars to demonstrate. Ty groans when he hears how much work will be involved.

Kia pulls her parachute out of the supply box. It's (surprise!) gray. Kia explains that they are going to use the parachute for drapery and a new chair. Pete thinks it sounds neat. Bernadette doesn't seem so sure.

Ty tries to understand Doug's plan. He figures that they're going to attach the half car to the wall, and then build a bed out of the back. Ty figures aloud how they will do that, and seems a bit annoyed at the amount of work that will entail. At this point in the episode, I thought Ty was just being lazy. Doug says that all of his brothers and friends and nephews are there to help get the cars into the house. One of Doug's nephews shakes his head sadly.

Pete asks how they are going to make curtains out of a parachute. Kia cackles and explains that they'll make a rod pocket at the top. Pete says that's easy for her to say.

Ruth is thrilled when she sees the cars. Doug explains the whole "bed coming out of the trunk" thing. Doug grins when he sees how excited Ruth and Patrick seem.

Pete cuts the parachute apart to make the curtains. Kia shows up with some giant curved wood cutouts, which she plans to use as "architectural pieces." Kia brags that she got them for five dollars. Pete is polite, but doesn't seem too impressed with them, and comments that now they have more to spend on other stuff.

Ruth and Patrick wash the cars' tires. Ruth thinks that Doug is nuts for coming up with this idea. Patrick points out that an adult probably wouldn't think of it, but a five-year-old will think it's the coolest thing in the world.

MPDP voice-overs that Kia plans to camouflage the existing furniture as we see her painting their pine furniture black. Bernadette and Pete show up and are shocked to see the black paint. Kia says she's hiding the flaws, and points some out. You know, Frank would just call that "distressed." Pete says that Ruth and Patrick did want something done to their furniture. Kia didn't hear him, so she starts making fun of them, sarcastically calling the furniture "a timeless treasure." Okay, so maybe it's not an antique, but it still seems like pretty nice furniture. I mean, if it is pine, it's probably very soft, so it's going to get nicked and dinged here and there. Anyway, Kia figures out that Pete was actually sort of supporting her painting plan. Bernadette says that they were thinking of something else, and asks if the furniture is going to be "totally black." Kia says that are going to lacquer it. I really hate lacquered furniture. Maybe it's because I have a lot of pets, but it just seems like you would have to polish it constantly or it would have fingerprints all over it. Give me some "flawed" pine furniture any day.

Patrick and Ruth bring the red car's hood into the room. MPDP shows up and reveals that General Handy accompanies her. She says it's an honor to have him there, and that she's nervous because there aren't that many four-star generals in the world. She asks how many there are. General Handy says that he's definitely the only one in a bedroom with a car hood, and asks what's up with that. Heh. I'm right there with you, General.