Missouri: Sunburst Drive

MPDP appears in front of a building that says "City of O'Fallon," wearing a hot pink and black bowling shirt over a white tank top. MPDP, not the building. She's got a pink rose and sniffs it dramatically, saying "love has sprung here in O'Fallon" because each pair of homeowners is planning their wedding. MPDP informs us that they've decided to redo their "girly-girl bedrooms" into something more appropriate for couples. She takes another hit off the rose.

Bowling pins'-eye view of Vern and Gen hurling their balls down two lanes. Apparently, they're near the International Bowling Museum. Vern's is a gutter ball; Gen hits a couple of pins. I'm sure there's some technical term for that, but I can't remember it, since the last time I went bowling was probably around the time the Captain and Tennille were warbling (for reasons passing understanding) "Muskrat Love." Ty's jumping around behind the pins and setting them up. Is there a technical term for that role? Pin-boy or pin-guy...? Pinhead will do. ["Generally, bowling pins are reset by an electric pinsetting machine, but no one ever said Ty was smarter than a machine." -- Wing Chun] Gen and Vern both have bowling shirts embroidered with their names. Insert the expected jazz about "bowling over" and "time to spare" etc.

We see Tracy and Rick shooting pool in a bar. Her bedroom now is pale, powdery pink, and they want something bolder and more vibrant. It's got off-white wicker furniture that's on the yucky side, and a tired-looking wooden headboard. The trim and fabrics in the room are white and the carpet is...well, it's hard to say what colour: taupey-beige? Beigey-brown? Rosy taupe? Something like that. The closet doors are six-panel faux-Colonial. That's about all there is to the room. Rick complains about the pink and says he likes bold colours -- Tracy teases him about being a "manly man" -- and describes the room as "just nasty." Tracy wants to get rid of the white wicker, which she describes as "really awful," but then she says it goes with some of the antiques they've collected. I don't get it. Rick says he's into "tigers, medieval, a dragon..." and suddenly I'm really grateful Kia isn't doing this room (like I wasn't already). Tracy rolls her eyes and adds, "Black leather, black lacquer..." Ooh, even more grateful Kia's nowhere in site. Can you just imagine the room she'd come up with for this guy? No, don't even go there. It's too painful. Rick says that orange is his favourite colour. Tracy likes "bold colours but not necessarily bright [ones]." They agree that Rick likes to draw attention.

Jennifer and Dathan (who looks nothing like Edward G. Robinson, thank God, though that's the only association I have with the name Dathan) shoot pool, too. Their "before" bedroom looks like Frank just got done with it -- and that's not a compliment, in case there's any doubt. There's a bright, multi-coloured log cabin pattern quilt on the bed, a colourful flowery border around the top of the walls, traditional furniture in an orangey-toned wood, round night tables with lace-edged tablecloths over skirts, under glass (ew), and lots of dried-flower gewgaws and sweet little framed pictures of flowers and fussy shelves full of tchotchkes and a country-ish white ceiling fan. The sliding closet doors are some kind of awful, cheap-looking, thin, hollow-core crap. The walls are white. There's a beige carpet. The windows are covered with sheer white tab curtains featuring rows of pockets with a colourful butterfly or flower stuck in each pocket. There's another butterfly perched on the curtain rod. I'm not making this up. ["I thought those kinds of curtains were only meant for use outside one's bathtub." -- Wing Chun] There are truckloads of teddy bears and stuffed animals. This room is making my teeth hurt. I'm hypoglycaemic, for God's sake; I can only take so much sugar. It's half Grandma's Gift Shoppe, half Overly-Precious Six-Year-Old. This room is the anti-Viagra. I think that it's architecturally identical to their neighbours' bedroom, but both are so lacking in any sort of distinctive feature it's hard to say.

Jennifer acknowledges that the "flowers and butterflies and all that" need to go. Sister, here's a gas can and a match. Go crazy. She says it needs a more romantic feel and needs to be a "grown-up couple's bedroom." I'll say. If you had shown me this room and asked me to guess the age of the occupant, I wouldn't have guessed anything in double digits, I'll tell you that much. I sure as hell wouldn't have taken it for a couple's room. ["The impression I got was that it wasn't a couple's room...yet. My sister and I differed as to whether we should think these couples did not yet know each other biblically, but my impression was that the guys hadn't moved in with the girls yet and wouldn't until after the wedding." -- Wing Chun] Dathan says he's pretty much open to anything -- and who can blame him? He's got to be desperate to get rid of this room. Jennifer was thinking of "wide yellow stripes or something bold." Dathan thinks she says "gold" instead of "bold" and is relieved to find out otherwise. He's into bright colours but not dark ones. They're ready to get married and start their new lives together.

Key swap. One of the key chains has an eight-ball on it, and MPDP says something about how they're going to just sink the eight ball in the side pocket. Isn't that what you're not supposed to do in pool? I dunno. MPDP runs through the rules and then wants to know why Rick is making Tracy carry their bag. He says it's because he doesn't want to crowd MPDP. She sneers at that. I want to know why everybody on this show seems to be so fiercely attached to sex-role stereotypes.

Rick and Tracy find Vern puzzling over the collection of stuffed animals as MPDP voice-overs that he's finding the room "unbearable." He asks them what they think of the room; Tracy pronounces it "frightening." Vern holds up a teddy bear (with a pink flower stuck in one paw, no less), drapes a pink bow around its head, and says, "This is what this room is about right now, and I don't know how any man is supposed to live in here." I don't know how anyone who's not an infant is supposed to live in there. Rick thinks the border needs to go. Rick, Vern would have to be bound and gagged for that border to stay. Hey, there's Hitchcock stuffed under Jennifer's computer desk! Probably cowering in fear. Tracy wants to banish the butterflies and get rid of some of the furniture. Vern says that the fake flowers and butterflies and teddies have to go, as do the "bright colours"; he feels the "testosterone level just dropping." Rick agrees. Never mind testosterone, how's your blood sugar? Yeesh. Vern says they're going to add dramatic colour, a new leather headboard, and make the room more adult. Yes, please! Tracy says she's jealous. Vern adds that they'll be replacing the closet doors, and that there will be some Moroccan-inspired elements in the room. They de-teddy bear the room.

Genevieve (with a red belt instead of white, and narrower than usual -- looks better) greets Jennifer and Dathan with warm hugs. (Can you imagine any other kind from Gen? I'll bet she gives good hugs. I have this one relative who hugs everybody like she's a worn-out dishcloth and you're a piece of poop. Always thrilled to get a hug from her.) Gen says they're going to lose the "femme-y frilly" and "bring masculine" and "bring sexy." Gen: "So think of Argentina, think of tango, think of gauchos." She accompanies this with tango-esque gestures. She mentions the wide belts of "Argentine cowboys." Ah, see, she envies them their wide belts! That's probably why she did that room ("Seattle: 56th Place") with an obi, too; she just loves a wide belt no matter who wears it or what culture it comes from. Suddenly, I think of the wrestling and the WWF and I'm scared for future rooms, though. Gen whips up the corner of the duvet and shows them some brown leather, mentioning that they're going to be using dark and light leather, with some red velvet for accents, like a rose. Dathan seems excited about the velvet. Gen says it's "super-expensive, lovely, lovely velvet." Gen gestures to a painting with a heavy gilt frame lying on the bed, and says, "A new home for the Pink Lady." I guess she took it from somewhere else in the house. Gen wonders if Jennifer and Dathan think their neighbours will like what she has planned. Jennifer thinks they're going to love it. They unload the room.

Rick and Tracy are steaming and scraping off the wallpaper border; Tracy comments that it's taking longer than expected. MPDP appears, saying she doesn't care for that kind of talk. MPDP describes the border material as being "plastic," but I'm thinking it must be vinyl. MPDP says it really did need to go. Tracy mentions that the popcorn ceiling's coming down because of the steam. MPDP wonders where Vern is, and whether they've seen the paint yet. They haven't. MPDP says they're nowhere near painting anyway. Tracy thanks her for her encouragement.

Gen and her team are all outfitted in some real ugly white Lowe's hats with yellow brims. The product placements are dragging this show down, I gotta tell you. Gen's ready to reveal her paint: she's got an antique white that's going on the bright white ceiling. She says they're also going to do a trick on the walls, by bringing the ceiling paint down the wall about a foot to create the suggestion of a deep molding at the top of the walls. Regular readers know I hate most everything "faux," but I've actually seen this done to excellent effect, so I hope it works out here. Jennifer's excited because Tracy's wanted crown molding. Gen pours the ceiling paint. The bumper to the commercial is Gen and Vern at the bowling alley; Vern does the California Raisin dance again; Gen puts her arm around him affectionately.

Vern interrupts his team's border-removing efforts to show them the paint. Tracy asks MPDP, who's helping, if they can take a break.