Indianapolis: Halleck Way

Shout-out to formerly known as momn8rx.

MPDP appears at a racetrack, wearing jeans and an orange and yellow striped sleeveless shirt. Waitdidn't we already see this episode? Oh, different racetrack. Same shtick, though. They're at the Indy 500 racetrack; Amy Wynn waves a checkered flag as Edward and Kia race by and then slow down just past her. Edward's at the wheel; Kia's in the backseat. Maybe she drives like she decorates, and that's why Edward's driving. That's Kia, all right: unsafe at any speed.

The homeowners, Dave and Noelle and Matt and Teresa, are driving go-karts around on a grassy area. They both want their master bedrooms made over. Dave and Noelle are shown in their bedroom, which is a fairly large room with a white tray ceiling. The carpet is a light greige, and the walls are a kind of brownish mushroom colour, except for one wall which is a warm cinnamon brown colour. The bed's against that wall. The headboard and furniture are in a warm rich brown colour. The bed linens are in off-white/light taupey shades, and there are tailored valances on the windows in a fabric that's dark grey with perhaps some hints of brown. There's a chest at the end of the bed that seems to be painted grey, as are the woodwork and doors and trim. The grey woodwork looks seriously weird to me with the various browns that dominate this room. There's a large gold-framed mirror propped against one wall, and a three-panel metal frame screen with white fabric panels nearby. Noelle says they like the size of the room but find the room kind of boring, and that there's not much colour going on. She feels there's some empty space that could use some furniture. Dave would like to see the room in warm, dark colours, to make it more romantic, and since the room is kind of dark already, to have some good lighting added. Noelle says in a very reserved way that she does a little bit of interior design work for a handful of clients as a hobby, but she thought it would be fun to have someone else come in and do her room. She adds that she's only seen Kia do one room so far: "So I'm really excited to see what she might do to this room." Only she says it like, "I hereby acknowledge that I may not survive this operation, and swear my family will not sue the doctor." She claims, "With all the others, you pretty much know what you're going to get, in a way, but with Kia, it's going to be a true surprise."

Teresa, who reminds me an awful lot of Natalie Maines, and Matt also want their bedroom redone. Architecturally, their bedroom is very similar to Dave's and Noelle's. Matt likes the bedroom. Teresa laughs. The walls and tray ceiling are white; the carpet's beige. They have a bedroom set in orangey-toned wood, and the linens and curtains are in a combination of white and bluish-green plaids, stripes, and solids. Not a heck of a lot else to say. Matt says he likes the colours; he likes blues and greens. Teresa says they're okay, but the white palette's gotta go. Matt envisions the room being rearranged and the bed in a different position. Teresa would like to see a seating area, a place to read, some new lighting; she'd like the room to be a place where they can get away.

Key swap. MPDP promises the homeowners "the time of [their] lives."

Dave and Noelle find Edward checking out the tchotchkes. I like Edward. I do not like Edward's weensy ponytail or the gobs of product in his hair. I think he should shave his head or something. Just start over from scratch. They all greet each other. Edward asks for their ideas. Noelle mentions colour and lighting. See, right away you can tell she's a designer. Edward promises to address those things, and adds that he wants to completely rearrange the room. He says they'll be using warm colours and doing a "dramatic treatment with a chandelier" and the tray ceiling. He tells them to unload the room. I decide to use the time during the fast-forward room unloading sequence to search the internet for information about some kind of device that will give a person a gentle shock if she starts to fall asleep. Because I'm going to need one to get through this episode, and I can't have caffeine. This is the most boring one I can remember in a long time. Usually I prefer the one-hour format, but there are times -- and this is definitely one of them -- when this show should just be a half hour, like Changing Rooms.

Matt and Teresa find Kia on the bed, looking at a map. Trying to find her way off this show before she embarrasses herself any further, I suppose. Kia says, "This house looks phenomenal, so that means we have go big." Oh. Dear. She stands up with her arms in the air, repeating, "Big. We have to do a theme that just brings some royalty in here." So if the house already looks nice, the only way to create impact is to resort to an ultra-cheesy theme? Kia suggests doing something that Noelle would not do herself. Matt and Teresa agree. Kia suggests painting the walls and installing a ceiling fan. Matt and Teresa seem able to get behind that. Kia pretends to muse and refer to her map and says they're going to "go towards Egypt." Good. Get going. It's a long trip. Oh, she means with the theme. Lord have mercy. She refers to the seventh wonder of the world and says they're going to do a pyramid. (And actually, chronologically speaking, I think the Great Pyramid of Giza is the first wonder, but whatever.) More to the point: a pyramid? Please tell me she's not going to fill the room with a pyramid and make them sleep in pharaonic coffins or something. Oh no, now that'd be tacky. Besides, she already did a craptastic grave-inspired room. What's with the obsession with the funerary? This will no doubt be much more tasteful. Maybe she'll make her team work like slaves, making bricks out of straw and mud. At the mention of a pyramid, Teresa titters nervously. Hey, there's Hitchcock on the bed. Kiapatra (tm formerly known as momn8rx) says they'll do some window treatments that will coordinate. Um, window treatment-wise, what coordinates with a pyramid? Mummy wrappings? She mentions the bed and emphasizes that they're going big with that. Room clearing ensues, with the expected Egyptian posing from MPDP and the homeowners.

Edward reveals his paint colours. He pours out a colour he calls "blue" but which is very grey, albeit a light grey, on my screen. That's for the tray ceiling. He then calls it a "slate grey blue." Then he shows some white paint, which is for the tray trim of the ceiling.

Kiapatra shows her first colour, which is a burgundy called "Tut Wine," apparently. Teresa asks if that's the real name or Kiapatra's name. Kiapatra says it's the real name and adds, "That's the name we're using." Teresa remarks that the colour matches that of the small stepladder. Kiapatra rolls some on the wall and decides she likes it.

Edward shows his last colour, for the walls. He mentions that if they give him any grief about colours, it will probably be for this one. Well, it's a sort of warm cinnamon brown. Noelle seems lukewarm about it at first, though it's pretty close to the colour of her one bedroom wall. Dave and Noelle finally murmur their approval. I don't see this brown with this grey-pretending-to-be-blue at all. I figure Noelle'd be more enthusiastic about it since it's basically the scheme she chose for their bedroom.

Kiapatra's rolling some bright lemon yellow paint on the wall adjacent to where the burgundy sample is. Two walls, opposite each other, are going to be the wine colour, and the other two are going to be a lurid yellow. So far, it's hideous. It also matches the stepladder perfectly, since the top of the burgundy ladder is yellow. Did she get the colour scheme idea from the ladder? I wouldn't be surprised, actually. Kiapatra asks them what they think. Teresa says it's "big," and Matt agrees that it's a change. He likes it. Kiapatra asks them, "You don't think it's too much?" Teresa's not too sure, especially about the bright yellow. She wonders if they put it on and it's too much, it could be toned down. Kiapatra: "Sure we can, as soon as you give me another $16.97 for a can of paint!" I'll give you at least $16.97 if you just stop right now.

During the commercial, I search online and find anti-barking shock collars for dogs. Maybe that would help me stay awake.

Dave and Noelle do the "do you think they'll like this?" bit. She's painting the wall; he's doing the ceiling. Dave thinks they'll like the colour. He thinks it will be masculine enough for Matt, but also sort of warm and soft like Teresa wanted. Noelle seems skeptical: "She said she wanted colour." Dave: "She's got colour." Me: hunting for my pulse.

Then we visit Matt and Teresa, who are painting the wall Tut Wine. Matt says he thinks they'll need two coats. I should think so. First of all, I never saw a one-coat paint job that looked any good up close. Second of all, red-based colours are notorious for being difficult to get good coverage from. I sure hope Kiapatra bought enough paint. MPDP appears and asks what they think of these colours, and asks if her inspiration was the ladder. MPDP looks at the yellow paint in the tray and says Kiapatra told her she was putting gold in the bedroom: "Is this supposed to be the gold?" MPDP declares that that's not gold, it's yellow. Whatever, it's going to look like hell either way. Teresa agrees.

Edward and Noelle paint the walls. He says they don't need to do two coats on one of the walls since there's going to be fabric draped in front of the entire wall. Noelle wants to know what kind of drape. Edward: "White." Noelle: "Okay, it's not frilly, is it?" Edward assures her that it's not and refers to that side of the room as "Matt's side."

Kiapatra talks to Amy Wynn about her pyramid. It's going to be a fountain, for Hathor's sake. What could be more authentic and Egyptian than a kitschy little pyramid fountain? Kiapatra emphasizes that it's the room's big piece: "It's the only way we're going to go over the top here." If only we could believe that. Amy Wynn assures her, "I think you've got the 'over the top' thing pretty much down." Typically for many of the designers on this show, Kiapatra doesn't seem to have fully figured out how the mechanics of this thing are going to work, and has left it up to the carpenter to sort it out. Amy Wynn is envisioning placing this pyramid in a shallow tray to contain the water. I'm envisioning setting it on fire to obviate the whole problem.

Edward tries to draw Noelle out, saying she's being quiet and mentioning her interior decoration efforts in her own house. He asks if she's following the vision, and wonders, "You're not going to hit me later, are you?" There's a shot of the uppermost part of the tray ceiling, which has a wrinkly stucco pattern on it. Noelle says she's not, and is just concerned about the draped wall. She doesn't want it to be "too girly." Edward assures her again that it won't be: "It's true elegance. That's it."

Kiapatra wants Amy Wynn to build "pyramid-shaped cornice boards." Basically, these seem to be cornice boards with a triangular arch detail. Soverysleepy.

Edward decides to reveal the furniture painting and arrangement plan: the furniture will be painted the same colour as the walls. The mirror will be white. He says something about changing the mirror "to more Greek style." And the bed will be floating in the centre of the room, creating a sort of dressing area behind the headboard, where the low dresser will be, in conjunction with the closet, mirror, and bathroom.

Amy Wynn wants to know about Kiapatra's third project, a headboard. Three projects, at least one of which is almost certain to be a time-consuming pain in the ass? Hope Edward's not counting on much in the way of carpentry. Kiapatra says dismissively that the headboard is simple. Amy Wynn, with good humour: "Oh, sure, it's all simple! Add it all together and it makes quite a day." From the sketch, the headboard look like it's got a rounded arch in the middle with two very tall posts on either end. Kiapatra says she needs the fountain as soon as possible because they have to test it: "No leaks. We can't have two hundred gallons of water on the floor." Amy Wynn's got it. Kiapatra, obviously on a cheeseball Vegas roll, asks her, "Who loves you, baby?" and kisses her on each cheek, accompanying each kiss with a "mwah!" sound. Amy Wynn plays along, saying, "Fabulous, darling!" as Kiapatra runs off.

Kiapatra's team mixes up the hardener. Boring.

Edward shows how he's going to install a window blind, where there is no window, to create a sense of balance and symmetry with the window that's at the other end of the wall. I can't stand this sort of fakery, though I understand the impulse. What I can't understand is why so many newer places are designed with such awkward angles, so much trapped and useless space, and such a poor grasp of the basics of good design, two of which are symmetry and balance. Anyway, he's going to put a white roller blind on the wall just as if there were a window there, and hang a matching window treatment over it. Edward: "Of course it's fake, so you'll definitely in a way know that it's not there, but in a way, you won't!" Okay!

Kiapatra and her team put hardener on the tray for the pyramid fountain, attended by some "hurry it up" kvetching from MPDP.

Noelle worries about the fake window and how real it's going to look. Edward puts the window treatment over it -- a length of the dark brown satin swagged and draped over the satin-covered cardboard tube. Noelle thinks it looks okay, since the blind is half-covered now. Noelle gives her approval as Edward insists he's not totally crazy. He doesn't think it's that odd. Noelle claims she likes it.

Amy Wynn installs the cornice boards in Kiapatra's room. I think the fabric is supposed to be black, but it's one of those blacks that has a strong blue cast to it, and so it looks navy blue on screen. Or maybe it is navy blue; hell, why not throw one more colour into this room? Kiapatra comes in and says it looks good, but wants to know why the curtain rods are still on the floor.

Edward pulls the fabric slipcover over the headboard. It's a golden brown fabric in something that looks like a linen-cotton blend. Noelle asks why he chose to do a slipcover instead of applying the fabric directly to the headboard. Edward says that this way, if they don't care for it, they can just remove it. He says he would hate to come in and ruin some treasured piece that might have been the grandmother's or something, even though he doesn't think that's the case with this furniture.

Kiapatra lectures Matt and Amy Wynn about how the curtain rods are supposed to go up, then the curtain, then the cornice boards. Amy Wynn asks Matt, "You having trouble with the 1-2-3s again?" Matt tries to think of something witty to say, but can't even come up with something lame. He just gestures helplessly. Kiapatra pretends to choke him with the curtain fabric: "Forget the curtain, I'm making a noose!" Matt makes a face and eventually asks her, "Can you lighten up?" Scratch that "pretends" I wrote back there; he's got a red mark on his neck. Don't maim the homeowners, lady! Even Hildi hasn't done that.