New Jersey: Manitoba Trail

Look, I'm just the substitute recapper and I hardly even know you guys, but there's something we need to discuss here: Paige's shirt. Paige's hootched-out shirt with the strategic gathers around the chest area. Yeah, it really shows, you know, her stuff, and it's pretty unsettling. I just had to acknowledge that, okay? It's like the elephant in the room. Well, like two elephants, actually, though technically, they're more like turtles. It's like two turtles in the...in the...well, in the place where you'd really rather not be seeing turtles, uh, so clearly. Oh, God: now they're coming toward the camera! Paige tells us that we're in Shamong, New Jersey -- "a cozy little suburb surrounded by farmland and plenty of open space!" There's shots of a cornfield. Yes, I much prefer to look at that cornfield.

This time, the designers are Doug and Frank; the carpenter Amy Wynn. All three are shown lounging shoulder-to-shoulder in a hammock (yes, one hammock; no, they're not lying in it the long way) barefoot, like they really relax that way. Doug says, "Let's go, like, put our feet in that pool!" Yeah. It's already started with the feet. They get up with great difficulty and go over to a back-yard pool (belonging to one of the homeowners, I guess). Amy pushes Doug in the pool, fully clothed; Frank pushes Amy in; Doug gets out and chases Frank, who giggles and runs. Oh, those wacky interior designers, they're just like monkeys! In voice-over, Paige says that Doug and Frank will "fight to make the biggest SPLASH with their designs! With only forty-eight hours and a thousand dollars, we'll see if their plans SINK or SWIM!" Ha ha! Get it? With the pool? Yeah, well, if the pool antics are any indication of their design skills, these guys will just flail around and ruin fabric and make a big mess that takes too long to dry, but, hey, we knew that.

Homeowners Mike and Christie really want to keep the homey feel of their country-style living/dining room! "Country-style" is an understatement. It's spindles and runners and swags and baskets and lace and quilty stuff ahoy. There's some crazy antique-sewing-machine-as-accent-table business going on in one corner, and some kind of Quaint Canisters of Yore exhibit going on in another. I actually really dig old antique household stuff, but I don't like it when people use it to make precious premeditated clutter and hang the old tea towels just so and stack the decorative tins oh-so-casually just like the People Of Olden Times did when they actually used the stuff, as if Laura Ingalls Wilder might skip in at any moment and need some baking powder and a whisk. But I've seen far worse offenders than Mike and Christie. Christie calls the room "comfortable and casual," and it is, in a kind of sweet Holly Hobbie droopy-daisies way. She hates her carpet, which has been there since they moved in. "It's icky color...it's icky -- icky, period." It's gray. It really does look like ass. Christie also says that she doesn't like contemporary stuff, hands down: "No chrome, glass, bright colors, leather, vinyl -- don't like it." Yeah, we got that. I'm not proud of the part of myself that hopes Doug gets to do this room.

Rick and Peggy, on the other hand, are all about that nutty contemporary stuff. Their living room has a vaulted ceiling and a huge-ass brick fireplace that covers half the wall. It's all very Contempo Blah, what with the vertical blinds and the schlumpfy sofa-loveseat-armchair set that look like alien pods from Planet Beige. I think their color scheme is, like, aqua green and pale peach? There might have an attempt at a Southwestern look at some point but it appears they gave up before it became too terrible. Pretty much the whole room says, "Eh? We try. Sort of. Whatever. Hey! Here's a vase of dried flowers!" Peggy explains that the room is very dark and could stand to be lighter. Rick says that he likes "earth tones" and wants stuff that's "sharp-looking," and "not too cluttered," which are clearly the hot catchphrases straight out of Hetero Guy Home Style magazine. Peggy does not want anyone to touch her new carpet, but she does want to get rid of their "godawful" doorbell unit. "Cover it up, I don't care -- you can put cloth on it; you can put moss on it, I don't care!" says Peggy. The doorbell unit is a ticky-tacky faux-stained-glass box just sticking blatantly out there on the wall like a Paige Davis breast.

Mike and Christie wear orange homeowner team shirts. Peggy and Rick wear red homeowner team shirts. Paige and her, uh, team still wear, you know, that one shirt. Oh God, they're worse from a distance. Paige explains that the work situation is a little different today, since Peggy was in a car accident two weeks ago, and she is still pretty sore, but she'll try to do what she can. Then...it's time to switch keys!

Team Orange gets to work with Doug on the room with the big-ass fireplace. When they go to meet him Doug is already molesting the fireplace. So big! So natural brick! It's like Doug's Manifest Destiny, this fireplace. The HOs talk with Doug. "How about the color of white?" says Doug, grandly. He says he wants to paint everything white -- the fireplace, the beams, the walls. "Whoa," says Christie. "It's White Whoa!" says Doug. What whoa? White whuh? Wow. Well, whatever. Then he says they're going to lay down some new carpet. Christie is all, "Uh, here?" and Doug quickly backtracks and says they'll put down an area rug. Christie shows him a note that Peggy left: it's a publicity photo of Doug with a little speech balloon drawn in that says, "I will not touch the rug." Doug tosses it aside and says, very coolly, "Folks have left me notes before and you know what happens when people leave me notes? I tend to go the opposite direction." Oh, but something tells me he'll obey a note with his own picture on it. They clear the room.

Team Red runs over to Mike and Christie's to meet Frank. Well, actually, it's just Rick running, and he totally forgets that his wife is all injured and limping along behind until she's like, "Uh, hello?" Wow, I hope she gets a good settlement. It would be cool if Trading Spaces could have a crossover with The People's Court or something. They meet Frank, who has wisely been assigned to redecorate the Little Multi-Purpose Room On The Prairie. Frank and the HOs seem to agree that the shitty carpet and some of the clutter needs to go, but Peggy says she will tape herself to the dining room table because Christie doesn't want it changed; you know, if she tapes herself to the table, it might also be good physical therapy for her back. Frank says he won't do anything to the table. They're going to paint the floor, update the furniture with "a plethora of fabrics," and "make some dolls." Ooh yeah, Frank is going to Frank Out on them. Rapid zany room-clearing ensues.

Team Orange starts painting. Doug opens a big bucket of White Whoa.

Meanwhile, Team Red and Amy Wynn look on as Frank peels back the carpet and the foam layer underneath. "Here's the moment of truth," he says. "Ohhh! It's subflooring!" he says. It's hard to tell whether his exclamation means, "Oh, shit! There's no real floor!" or "Oh, yay! A crappy surface that I can fuck up with my faux-finish painting!" He tells Amy Wynn to take up the tacks and clear away the splinters and says they're going to paint it "like a Sunday house floor." Peggy's like, "Uh, you're going to just paint the subflooring?" Yeah. Like in Sunday houses. Are Sunday houses an Amish thing? I can see this being an Amish thing, the way having your car die and pushing it down the block is sort of an Amish thing.

Mike is on a ladder and accidentally drops a roll of duct tape on Christie's head.

Elsewhere, Frank is trying to explain to Peggy about the floor. "It's gonna look like a country floor. It's not just going to be painted subflooring. Uh, it's going to be painted subflooring but it's not like, uh...okay, we're going to use it as a blank canvas...we're going to actually paint a carpet onto the subfloor! We're going to paint it and distress it and make it look like an old country floor! Just like in the old Sunday houses in Fredricksburg, Texas!" Okay, so Sunday houses aren't Amish, I guess. Maybe Frank just made up some 19th-century religious society whose tenets include rejecting durable flooring.

Doug's HOs are snapping at each other like the freaking Honeymooners. Mike thinks Christie should use the ladder to paint. "You know, it's right there behind you." Christie, sarcastically: "Oh, is that what that is?" Heh. Frank shows his paint colors to Rick and Peggy; Paige and Them are there, too. The wall color: a sort of light pea green. The floor: darker green. Man, Frank always uses green. Frank is always doing that Karma Chameleon color scheme: red, gold, and green. GET IT?! That's like, my one Frank joke.

Christie starts painting the fireplace with a roller. The voices in Doug's head scream YES! YES!!!! Christie wonders if they should paint the mortar grooves between the bricks, and Doug insists yes, it's part of the White Whoa Way. White whoa!

Frank sits outside and shows his carpentry plans to Amy Wynn. According to Paige's voice-over, it's ninety-eight degrees outside, which explains why Frank looks like he was in a wet t-shirt contest. Frank asks Amy Wynn how she can handle the heat. From her expression she's like, uh, by not being you, Frank? Anyway, Frank needs her to build a serving bar. Suddenly, Amy Wynn picks a speck of paint off Frank's glasses in a bizarre little moment of Trading Spaces intimacy.

Over at the other house, Doug and Christie are taking apart the ugly-ass doorbell. Christie goes over to the door and keeps ringing the bell while Doug is trying to disable it. "Dingdong!" Christie: "Anybody home?" Doug: "Okay, would you stop it?" "Dingdong!" Doug: "Stop it." Christie: "Okay, I'll stop now." "Dingdong!" Doug rolls his eyes. Christie: "Are you done yet?" She is totally giving him shit. Doug: "Does it sound like I'm done?" "Dingdong!" Christie: "Well, hurry up!" I wouldn't have been able to tell from her living room, but Christie is actually pretty damn funny.

Rick and Peggy paint the walls green and discuss the controversial floor. They agree that having just a painted subfloor is kind of fucked-up, but if it'll be distressed, then maybe it'll be okay. I don't get that, but whatever.

Elsewhere, Mike and Doug take down the ceiling fans. You know, if Trading Spaces were porn, taking down the ceiling fan would be the money shot. Oh, but they plan to paint the ceiling fans White Whoa and then put them back up! Now that's kinky.

Frank and Rick are going to paint and refinish the antique Hoosier cabinet. I have to say I have never heard of a "Hoosier Cabinet" before today. Frank wants to apply a crackle finish and he says he'll have to sand it first. The sound of the power sander drowns out the screams of the experts on Antiques Roadshow.

Doug discusses his furniture plans with Amy Wynn. My God, she's practically sitting on his lap. Doug wants a big boxy coffee table and a frame for a mirror he has. While Rick and Frank get a-cracklin' on the cabinet finish, Frank asks Rick what he thinks is going on in his own house. Rick would rather just concentrate on his work right now. "How do you feel about monkey fur on the walls?" Frank teases. Rick's like, "Uh, I guess I'll just have to get used to it," he says calmly. Yeah, so shut up, Frank. Meanwhile, Doug and Christie are painting the ceiling fans with white spray paint and acting silly. Paint fumes really put the whoa in White Whoa, I guess.