Pennsylvania: Victoria Drive

Shout-out to DorkMagnet.

MPDP appears in a sleeveless midriff-grazing red top, a short, straight white skirt, and wedge-heeled sandals. I can't remember ever seeing her in a skirt on the show before. Actually, she does look very cute in it; it's the perfect skirt silhouette on her. The hair is extremely wingy. She's golfing, or putting, or whatever. (Please refer to pretty much any recap of The West Wing I've ever written for the true extent of my cluelessness about -- and indifference to -- sports.) She hits the ball and yells "Fore!" My husband, Professor Frink, says, "Way to go, Paige. You're supposed to yell that before you hit the ball." I wouldn't have even noticed, myself. She says they're just outside of "Philly, PA" and that their homeowners' condos just happen to be off the fifth tee. She fails to mention that one of them is going to end up with a room that looks like the fifth tee at a mini-golf course. Designed by untrained, insane clowns. Who only had access to a K-Mart.

Suzi and Wendy are former sorority sisters who will be working on Suzi's attic guest room. We see them at a batting cage. The other homeowners are Dave and Marissa, who want their living room redone. They're on go-karts. Doug races past Marissa and waves his fist in victory. Then we get to meet the design team for this show: it's Doug, Kia, and Amy Wynn. They're goofing around on some pinball-themed mini-golf course. Doug's in bare feet, and you might as well get used to it, because there's a lot of Dougfeet in this episode and the . More than some of us really care for, in fact. Kia's wearing a pair of overalls torn off below the knee and hemmed in a jagged, toothy edge. Under this is a black sleeveless mock-turtleneck bodysuit. One shoulder of the overalls is unfastened. She's wearing high-heeled, chunky black mules. The questions start here and they just don't stop.

Suzi's guest room looks like it's in a finished attic, with a fairly steep roof slope down one side, and a fan light window at one end. The walls are off-white, the carpet is a dingy pink, and the bed is placed on the diagonal under the slope of the roof. There is a small chair on one side of the bed and low storage units tucked here and there. On the left-hand wall as you come up the stairs is a desk area, consisting of a slab of wood on two filing cabinets. There is a computer on the desk as well as a TV. There are a couple of plain white ceiling fans with lights in the room. The weirdest thing in the room is a metal box bolted to the floor about a foot from the window, which contains a fire ladder. Suzi would, understandably, like to see something done about that. I can only imagine that it must be something installed to adhere to some kind of fire code, so maybe they'll just have to work around it. MPDP voice-overs that Suzi has an open mind, but hopes that the designers take a cue from the rest of her home. Wendy says that they joke that Suzi's decorating style is "themes" (uh oh); she has a ladybug bathroom, and the other guest room's theme is flowers. Two guest rooms? Pretty sweet. Suzi: "I like themes."

Dave says that their living room is in drastic need of a facelift. No argument here. It's a boxy room with greyish walls and a taupey carpet. There's a small pine armoire in the corner, and two big, blobby, dark green sofas in a no-style style. No coffee table. Godawful ceiling fan? Check. Swagged valance window treatment? Check. On the wall opposite the window are about two dozen framed pictures hung too high for their size and with no particular relationship to each other. Off in the back of the room is a dining area with a table, two chairs, and a hutch, all in what looks like an orangey-toned wood finish. They're fairly simple and nice. They also have some nice simple Shaker accent tables. I've read on the forums that apparently they wouldn't allow the couches or carpet to be touched. Way to hamstring the designer. What's left: paint the walls and put up some "art"? Dave says he'd like to see more of a country look. Marissa shakes her head firmly and tells him that she doesn't think that's the right word for what they want; she suggests "woodsy" instead. They agree that they're looking for something cozy and "cabin-y." Marissa tries to explain to him that "country" means they'll get stuff stencilled all over the walls. Dave says, "We're pretty open to anything. There is a room here to be born." There's one across the way that should have been aborted, I'll tell you that.

Key swap. MPDP's changed her skirt for tan Capri pants. Dave says they're going to get their room done in one day. Okay, whatever, dude. Marissa pretends to give his head a shove. They swap keys.

Marissa and Dave find Kia "Funkleberry Finn" Steave-Dickerson pretending to measure things. Okay, the overalls are kind of goofy, but they have lots of paint on them, so at least she sort of dresses for the work. (Look, I'm trying to find something sort of nice to say here. Because there aren't going to be many other opportunities in this recap.) They all hug, and she asks their ideas. Marissa wants to see the pink carpet go. Dave says he's a "computer guy by trade" and points to the desk, saying it's a "poor excuse for a computer workstation." He alleges that two filing cabinets and "a door" will promote carpal tunnel and back problems and so forth. Actually, given that Suzi has an adjustable office chair with arms, and a keyboard drawer, I'm not sure exactly what the problem is. Yeah, her monitor could be higher (as should mine) but for all we know, she uses the thing an hour a week. I'm not sure what his issue is. Kia pretends to take in Dave's comments. She says they're going to paint, with bright colours, and bring the outdoors in. This comment almost always precedes some sort of disaster on this show. And anyway, what she does is more like bringing the local garden centre in, not to mention the dollar store and Wal-Mart. The outdoors, my ass. She proposes "a flower bed under a magnolia tree." Marissa's ecstatic and thinks that's very cool. Kia wonders what to do about the fire ladder box. No one knows. She says they'll work around it. Will they ever. Maybe the whole room is a vast conspiracy to distract from the box, in which case, it's a smashing success. They unload the room.

Suzi and Wendy find Doug perched on a window sill, wearing a white cowboy hat, and stuffing his face with brownies. He's wearing a dark grey polo shirt and khakis with the cuffs rolled up. I guess he's playing "Tom Foyer" (American pronunciation, don'tcha know) to Kia's Funkleberry Finn. In the background, in front of the blinds, it looks like there are plaques with paintbrushes mounted on them. What's that about? Doug offers brownies to his team, but Suzi refuses, finding Doug's foot -- which is to the plate -- to be a little close for her comfort. Not feeling the Doug love, I guess. Apparently Marissa left the brownies as a gift. Doug wiggles his foot directly over the plate. Seriously, Doug, that's just a bit gross. He says the brownies are really good, and seems to figure that doing stuff like that will help him keep them all to himself. I'm sure he's right. He asks them what they want to do. Suzi: "I don't know, Doug. Does it really matter what we want to do?" Well, since you asked, no, it doesn't. But we like to pretend on this show. Doug complains that they're starting in on him already, and claims, "I have been nothing but a charming, charming person here." I suppose, if "charming" includes pedemenacing the brownies. He adds, "And you guys are throwing me attitude?" Can dish it out but.... Doug announces that his title for the room is "Suave Suede," and says that he's going to do one of his plaster techniques in a suede finish. They will be going for something "Western-inspired" -- hence the haberdashery, I suppose. They wanted a lot of wood in the room; Doug says it's too big a room to try to put wood on every surface, but that he's going to try to give them a warm, cabin kind of feel. They're bringing in "cow print" and building an armoire out of rough-hewn wood and covering a coffee table with leather. He says they have a lot of work to do, and that he's just going to sit there and eat brownies. Suzi says he can have them. Doug wiggles his foot above them some more; he then puts a chunk of brownie in between his toes and proffers it. Suzi and Wendy both recoil. Ew. I mean, it's not as nasty as watching Ozzy's awful little dogs crap all over his antique rugs, but it's nothing I need to see, either. They unload the room.

Kia shows her team the wall colour: it's a light, sweet yellow. Yuck. Marissa claps with glee. She loves it. Dave says it's "so Suzi."

Doug's got his team outside for the paint reveal: the walls are going to be a colour that looks very orangey-yellow on my screen. Intense mustard. He says they need to tint the plaster to match that colour, and then says that it's the trim colour. He says they'll tint the plaster with a universal tint -- something like yellow ochre.

The bumper back in from the commercial is MPDP leaning on a golf club and rotating her right leg at the knee. No, I don't know. Kia asks who the painter in the family is; Dave declares he is by raising both arms. Marissa shoots him an exasperated look. Kia tells him he's the foreman, and that he should police Marissa. Marissa objects, saying she will not be policed by Dave, but will be policed by Kia. Kia doesn't want any "domestic quarrels" and agrees to police Marissa. She reaches over to her to give her kind of a sideways hug and says, "Girls rule."

Doug starts squeezing tint into plaster. He says it goes a long way, and that they should take "baby steps." He inserts what he calls a "mambo-jambo" drill and starts mixing it.

Dave and Marissa are painting and saying how great the colours are. Dave thinks that one of the decorating challenges they've faced in their own home is getting the colours to match.

Doug continues mixing the plaster colour. He likes the swirl patterns created before the tint is fully incorporated.

Dave and Marissa are painting too close to each other and Dave complains. "You're right up my butt."

Doug's disappeared, and Suzi and Wendy are working on getting the colour just right by themselves. They add some brown tint.

Dave offers Marissa some painting advice; she doesn't want it. He tells her not to push so hard with the roller. She does seem to be overdoing it. Good way to tire yourself out needlessly. She reiterates that she doesn't want his advice and kisses him on the head. He mutters about doing the painting twice.

Wendy and Suzi have come up with what looks like an extremely good colour match. Suzi wonders if they should check with Doug and see if he likes it. Wendy suggests that they just go paint.

Kia (in a straw hat now) and Marissa are outside. Kia says that what she's got is "grass" (looks like Astroturf to me) and that they're going to make a bed of flowers with a grass background; it's going to be under a magnolia tree. Marissa asks, "This is not going on the floor, is it?" Ha ha! Yeah, she's worried about the floor. Of course, she couldn't possibly imagine what Kia's actually planning to do with it, but then, I guess Marissa hasn't been smoking Astroturf, like some people. Kia says, "Uh...some of it is." Marissa is worried that they're going to carpet the floor in Astroturf. Kia says "Oh, no, no, no, no, no; this is not...that word. This is not that word. This is grass." She restates that they're bringing the outdoors inside. Marissa: "I just think that Suzi would freak out if she walked in and saw grass everywhere."

Wendy's taping, and Doug begins showing Suzi the technique of plastering. He says that if she can just get it on there, he'll come along afterward and "finesse it." He warns her that it's going to be a lot of work.

Marissa wonders what Kia's plan is for placing the swags of fake flowers on the "grass." She places a few lengths of flowers in a bunch at one end of the Astroturf. It doesn't look like much of anything.

Doug continues demonstrating his method of getting the plaster from the bucket to the trowel to the wall without dumping too much of it on the floor. He slaps some more on the wall and says it's the "Doug technique, developed over centuries and centuries of fine Venetian plastering." Suzi giggles.

MPDP has shown up where Kia and Marissa are working. MPDP asks, "Where is this going?" Kia says, "This is a bed of flowers," like it's so obvious. MPDP asks if it's for the floor, and worries that people will trip. Kia explains it's for the bed: "It's a coverlet." MPDP: "On the bed?" Kia confirms that it's a bed of flowers for the bed. MPDP is shocked silent. Marissa laughs. Kia: "Don't you get it? Bed...flowers...." MPDP wonders if she also has a regular comforter or duvet or something to go under it. Kia says they're "utilizing her existing comforter." Then what, pray tell, is the point of this? Good God, woman, if you can't figure out how to mysteriously fritter away $1000, talk to Frank.

Doug and his team are busily plastering. Doug says that as long as they trust him, everything will be all right. Suzi: "Trust, you have to earn." Doug doesn't have a snappy comeback for that and admits, "All right, you got me there."

Marissa's proposing a scheme for the arrangement of the fake flowers that seems to involve a big hydrangea in the middle. Well, that sounds perfectly godawful. Kia asks MPDP to give them some time. MPDP obliges, saying that she thinks Marissa had a plan and reminding Kia about the time limit. She pats Kia on the head as she leaves.

Suzi wonders if that one bucket of plaster will cover the whole room. Doug says he's tight on budget, so he doesn't want to overmix. He gripes that they're always tight on budget: "This is Trading Spaces, you know."

Kia mentions that Marissa is allegedly not too crafty. Marissa: "I'm not crafty at all, Kia. Thanks for asking." They're fastening the flowers to the Astroturf. Kia tells her not to be afraid she's going to hurt it.

Doug comes out to the pickup truck to see the big load of wood Amy Wynn bought for the armoire. She says it's first-cut poplar, explaining that it represents the first pieces cut off poplar trees when they're processed, so there's lots of bark on the pieces, and they're extremely rough.