Pennsylvania: Gorski Lane

MPDP appears in yellow capris, a pink flowered t-shirt, and wedge sandals. Yeah, there's a brutal heat wave, but capris? Not her best look. At least the hair's not wingy today. She says they're in rural Skippack, Pennsylvania.

We see Doug "Jungle Boogie" Wilson racing through a field of tall dry grass on an ATV, followed by Frank "Wavy Gravy" Bielec (wearing a bicycle helmet) on a slightly smaller one; Frank's ATV is towing Ty, who's on a skateboard, by a rope. Doug zooms off, while Frank goes a little more slowly. Ty either wipes out or stages a wipeout (I vote for the latter) and flings himself on the ground, griping, "Oh, geez! Oh, God!" The shot is Frank standing to him, while Ty lies on the ground with his feet in the air like a dead fly, and Doug zooms past inches away from Ty. Doug? Dude, you missed. Frank declares, "The compassion of a speed bump!" Ty says, "Will somebody get a rock and hit him in the head?"

Our couples are Lynn and Mark and Tisha and Tighe. Thank God I saw his name written on Doug's plans, because I would have spelled it "Ty" otherwise, and then there'd be two of them, and like I said on the forums, I could just refer to Ty as "Bonehead," but that's six more keystrokes every time. MPDP carries on with a lot of heat-related patter.

Lynn and Mark have a new house that they've been redecorating. They haven't gotten around to the bedroom. MPDP says, "They're ready for anybody to come in with some fresh ideas...even Doug!" Heh. Mark says it needs some colour, and that they've run out of ideas. The bedroom is pretty pedestrian. It's large, with white walls, beige carpet, and a cathedral ceiling. Their furniture is mostly light brown wood. There are two windows with dark blue curtains, and their bedding is striped in white, light blue, and dark blue. There's a small TV perched on a fairly nondescript orangey-toned wood TV stand in the corner. There's a dresser, with a mirror, opposite the bed. There's a poster of a baby seal above the bed. That's gotta be romantic. Lynn says she doesn't like the furniture, so their neighbours can do anything they want to it. She says, "We'd like to see...blues...any colour, really -- just not black, no brown, no fuchsia, no lime green..." So, basically: blue. They mention that they like faux finishes. How sad that they're not getting Frank. Mark says he'd like to see something romantic and grown-up. Here's a tip: ditch the baby seal. Lynn says they never had a honeymoon, so they'd be into a tropical setting that would be their little getaway; it could be like a honeymoon each night. Mark flashes a nervous smile.

We see Doug zoom by in front of the other homeowners' house. Tisha and Tighe want warm colours in their bedroom. Their room is large, with that short little hotel-room-hallway-type entrance, white walls, beige carpet, tray ceiling. In the middle of the ceiling is...one bare light bulb. MPDP says they hope Frank will incorporate their new cherry furniture into his design. There's an armoire, a chest of drawers, a dresser, a bed frame, and two different sizes of bedside tables in the set, although it doesn't all look to me as if it's from exactly the same set. The bed has a green-and-white patchwork quilt-type cover on it, and there are stuffed animals lined up on the headboard. There are two windows in the furthest corner of the room with plain white blinds on them. Tighe thinks the tray ceiling is the room's best feature; he pushed for it. He thinks Tisha is not as fond of it as he is. They really like their furniture and don't want it painted. Well, I hope they excluded it. Tisha says she's open to pretty much anything. Tighe: "I'm against a couple of things." He doesn't want anything really bright, or any pale pastels. Tisha says she still wants to be able to go to sleep at night. She doesn't want anything so crazy or busy that she's too tense to go to sleep.

Key swap. For some reason, the guys each have their own long-handled paint rollers. MPDP seems confused by that, too.

Tisha and Tighe find Doug poking around the bedroom. He's looking pretty tan (though I don't know if it's real or not), wearing a big loose shirt, shorts, flip-flops, and, in a fit of sartorial whimsy, a white bracelet of some kind. Doug asks Tighe and Tisha for their ideas. Tisha mentions the "island retreat" idea -- something relaxing -- and I think she mentions "Caribbean." Doug's all, "You're kidding, right? Did somebody tip you guys off?" Doug, of course, has already named the room "Suburban Safari." I think he's the only one who pretty consistently names his rooms. I also think there's already a disconnect here. I think what Lynn and Mark want is a beachy kind of tropical theme and Doug's going for a jungly theme. Similar climates; totally different atmospheres. Doug says they'll be creating an "island hut retreat space," and that they'll have the bed pulled away from the wall, with a table at the end like a breakfast bar. Tisha thinks Lynn will love it. Doug says they're going to put zebra print -- floor to ceiling -- on all four walls. Tisha: "Okay, wait a minute..." Doug whips out some photos of a room he did for a decorators' show house a while back. Tisha gasps. The walls are indeed brown-on-cream zebra print; the ceiling is dark brown or black, and there are lots of potted palms and dark furniture with red accents. Doug says they'll be doing this room in the spirit of that one. This looks pretty involved. It's also kind of spoiled any surprise to the effect of the walls. He's going to be suspending a bamboo grid from the ceiling, and placing fourteen-foot palms to create a canopy over the bed through the grid. There are going to be lights coming down through the grid; they'll also take up the carpet and put down rice matting. Doug keeps yapping, saying he's got to get some things, and tells them to grab something and start unloading. During the fast-forward, MPDP does a hula dance on the bed while Doug pretends to nap. He then tackles her, and there's some general fooling around.

Lynn and Mark find Frank holding one of the bedside tables upside down against the wall to see how it will look. He asks their ideas. Lynn thinks they should do something with the tray ceiling, because it's the focal point. She suggests a night sky kind of theme. Mark suggests a nice light fixture to replace that bare bulb. Frank waves his arms around and says that his ideas are as follows: really different finishes for the walls; transforming the ceiling into a night sky, with one colour at the bottom; getting rid of that rectilinear thing and going organic; spraying silver stuff with things on it; keeping the furniture as is; basing the whole room on the silver furniture knobs; adding new bedding, drapes, and contemporary-looking art; switching the furniture around; adding a rug, a writing desk, lamps...yes, really. Lynn and Mark think it sounds good. They unload the room.

Doug, MPDP, and the team pull up the carpet. Doug says he can't wait to get the carpet up, so that they can be all sloppy with the brown paint that's going to go on the ceiling. This is the first Tisha has heard about the brown ceiling. MPDP wonders if that won't enclose the room too much. Doug's hoping so; that's the whole point. Tisha wonders if they couldn't make the ceiling more like the sky. Doug: "You can look out the window."

Frank whips a cloth off of at least seven cans of paint -- five gallons, two quarts. He shows the first colour, which is eggplant. He paints some in the central area of the tray ceiling.

MPDP brings in a big stuffed monkey and puts it on Doug's back. He asks its name. Tighe: "Urkel." Doug reveals a can of dark brown paint and says, "Let's get this on the ceiling." Doug tells Tighe and MPDP to paint. He instructs Tisha to make a chalk line to mark off a straight line across the two walls where there is no natural roof line. I don't think she quite understands what he's driving at. Doug's really hyper.

Frank shows his colour: it's kind of an avocado green. He paints that on the angled surface of the tray ceiling. He says that all the colours they're using will be repeated in fabrics. Well, we'll see. I've heard that before.

Tisha asks Doug whether they can talk about the pattern, or whether she has to wait. Doug acts innocent: "What pattern? This pattern?" He holds up the photos of his other room. MPDP asks whether the zebra stripes are going to be black or brown. He says the stripes will be the same brown that's going on the ceiling, and that the stripes will go all around the room. Doug's got Tisha on one side of him pestering him about the pattern, and MPDP on the other, bugging him about how long it's going to take. He doesn't know: "But we're not going to get it done if we stand around and talk about it." He tells Tisha to get on with the chalk line marking. "You'll love it. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me." I've heard that before, too. Tisha wonders whether their neighbours are going to be able to sleep in the room.

Frank's still showing off colours. He plans to paint the six panels of the doors at least three different colours, possibly with silver accents. He asks Lynn and Mark what they think; they think it's great. Frank gets them to high-five him.

Tisha and Tighe seem to be alone in the room. He's painting the ceiling; she's marking off lines. She says she's nervous about the "stripes on the walls." Tighe: "Eighteen-foot zebra wall? Yeah, I can see how you'd be nervous." She thinks it's going to be too busy. He wonders if she's concerned about the "bamboo roof." No, she likes that.

Frank's up on the ladder, complaining about the ceiling: "This is a focal point, but it's so rigid." He's thinking if they break it up into more organic, flowing form, it's going to be interesting, but not so boxy: "It'll be more like...really cool." He draws some wiggly lines on the ceiling and asks his team if they're all on the same page. Mark and Lynn say they are. I think that page is in a book that must be called Traumatized by Straight Lines and Simple Dcor: The Frank Bielec Story.

Doug is penciling the outline of the zebra print on the walls, using his photos as a guide, when Tisha asks if they can talk for a second. She's vaguely reminding me of Katie Holmes. Doug: "I got plenty of time to talk, 'cause this is going to take a while." She tells him that she thinks all four walls in zebra print is going to be too much, and not very relaxing. Doug continues sketching carefully. Tisha tells Tighe (who's standing behind them), "He's still drawing. He's not listening to me." Doug says he's listening. He starts on a section of the wall and asks Tisha to excuse him, because she's in his way. She moves, but then pretends to get back in the way, wondering if that might deter him. They laugh. Tisha suggests only doing the zebra print on two walls. He wants to know ("pray tell") what she's suggesting for the other two walls. She wants them to just be the cream colour of the background of the print.

Lynn and Mark wonder if they're going to get the tropical getaway of their dreams, since they didn't get a real honeymoon, or whether it will be something they want to run away from. I think this is the third time I've heard about the fact that they didn't get a honeymoon. She says she hopes he doesn't go too wild. The whole conversation sounds scripted -- and badly scripted, at that.

Doug's explaining his design again. Tisha thinks their neighbours going to be lying in bed feeling like they're going to be attacked. Doug: "That's what we want -- that fantasy, that fantasy." Little glimpse into Doug's inner life there? They all laugh, but Doug sobers up and says, "There's no way you're going to stop me, so don't even try." That can be the name of Doug's tell-all bio.