Philadelphia: Gettysburg Lane

MPDP appears in jeans and a green cap-sleeved t-shirt, with a round neck and a slit in the front, so it pulls apart into kind of a V-neck. There's white embroidery around the slit. The sleeves are pulled down on her shoulders slightly, and she's got some kind of major Wonderbra action going on, and possibly some kind of tape action (duct/electrical/surgical) helping to hold everything in place. Somehow it just all seems a bit much for early-morning renovations, but I bet it's pulling in the ratings. I don't think I've seen anyone this rigged up since the last Oscar telecast. The hair's all wingy again. She's by some river in Newtown, Pennsylvania, near one of the oldest covered bridges on the east coast. She says that these bridges were known as "wishing bridges." (I heard them called "kissing bridges" growing up.) Allegedly, if you went to the middle of the bridge and made a wish, it would come true. If I wish for more Amy Wynn and less Ty, do you think I'll get my wish?

We see Ty, Frank, and Vern playing basketball in the driveway of someone's house. They all hassle over the ball. Frank holds firm as Vern falls on the ground trying to get it away from him, as Ty leaps around like an uncoordinated monkey. In the shot, MPDP says she knows what the designers would wish for: more time and money. She knows what she'll wish for: she runs into the covered bridge and hollers from inside, "That our teams come in on time and on budget and the homeowners are happy!"

Jamie and Barb are shown in their kitchen. It's got cupboards in a medium wood tone, with a mottled pale pastel countertop; white (or almond, can't tell for sure) fridge; black dishwasher and microwave; and a black and white (or almond) stove. The floor is, I think, sheet vinyl with a blue and white tile pattern. The walls are a light yellow colour. The cupboards and appliances are in one corner of the room. There are doors to other rooms on the other two walls. One of the walls is actually just a half wall, open to the family room. The kitchen flooring extends out into the carpeted family room in a really odd way, almost like a sidewalk that curves around the wall or something. It's bordered with wood. Very weird. There's a wooden trestle table with two benches in a dark orangey stain. It's very picnic table-ish. Behind the table is a bay window. It's not a hellish kitchen; just a bit pedestrian and dated. Jamie says they're looking for a change in the layout of the room. Barb says that the surface on the half-wall is just wasted space that collects clutter they could do without. Jamie says they don't really like anything about their countertops at all. They have this ugly piece of butcher block set into the surface of the cupboard. How unsanitary is that? How could you ever really clean it very well? What a bad idea. I get the impression that it's a relic of owners. Barb says it's just a dirt collector. She also says she'd like to see anything done with the floor rather than leaving it the way it is. She'd love to come home to a new floor, and suggests that some of the laminate wood products available now might be nice.

door, we meet Vicki and Rourke, whose family room needs some help. Rourke totally reminds me of somebody I know but I can't think of who it is. The family-room walls are white, and the carpet is some greyish colour. There are two pretty ugly plaid three-seater couches in there, one on the diagonal and one against the wall. The one on the diagonal has a sofa table behind it with pictures on it. The one on the wall is between a set of closet doors and what looks like it may be a bathroom or basement door. The plaid is black, cream, and dark red. In between the two couches is a large square knotty pine coffee table on a flowered area rug. There are cushions on the couches in a dense floral pattern. There's a floor lamp in the middle of nowhere on a fat, pillar-like base. One wall has lot of small framed photos on it. There's a large knotty pine armoire on the last wall. Everything's kind of off-centre to everything else and nothing relates very well to anything else in the room. There is a pair of exterior doors, each with one large pane of glass, opposite the sofa that's against the wall. Vicki says she doesn't know if two couches are appropriate for this room. I can't see why not. I mean, I'd prefer a couch and two chairs, but this isn't awful. Rourke says they've always had five people in their family, so two couches provide enough seating for everybody. I'd say that's pretty reasonable. He says they're open to changes. Vicki is hung up on the idea that two couches don't work in there. Actually, the problem is more these specific couches, and the arrangement, not their number. Vicki says she's not great with the names of fabrics but likes denim and thinks it's fun for a family room. She likes floral prints, and wants something durable. Rourke agrees with "durable." He also thinks the carpet has to go. Barb says that everything in the room is "free game."

MPDP's got all the homeowners outside. Barb and Vicki are giggling a lot. MPDP calls them "giggle monsters" and hopes they're laughing this much while they're working on the rooms. She displays their identical key chains (one blue, one yellow). She goes through some other blather and the rules and finally swaps the damn keys.

Barb and Jamie find Vern pretending to take measurements. Vern's wearing a white polo shirt and shorts. Vern says that the room needs "capital H help." They agree. Jamie says it needs some style and identity. Barb suggests putting some colour on the walls and lightening up the furniture. Vern says it's a difficult room, and that they're going to do a new seating arrangement. They have some new furniture coming in. They're building in some storage along the longest wall, they're upholstering the coffee table, and they're putting wainscoting all around the room. I think I noticed some wainscoting in their kitchen too, so that will pull those rooms together. Vern tells them to grab something and start unloading.

Vicki and Rourke find Frank sticking out of the cabinets with his head under the sink. They all sit on the floor to do the meet 'n' greet. Frank asks Rourke and Vicki to name one thing they want changed. Rourke: "Countertops. Floor." Somebody was well coached by his neighbours. Frank says that's two things. Vicki thinks, and says the floor. Frank says that the floor and countertop are both outta there. There will be colour on the walls (no kidding), and the light fixture's gotta go. He gestures to one of those fruit-motif stained-glass jobs. He refers to it as "fruit salad with illumination." He continues: "Cabinets: colour. Bases, all the trim: colour." He suggests burning the kitchen table; he doesn't like it. Vicki says it's a very depressing room. It's not great, but I wouldn't call it depressing. Frank says it's "less than cheerful." He says of the half-wall -- which he compares to a fortress preventing attacks from the den -- that they will be doing something to make it useful. He also says something about isolating it. He tells them to start clearing the room.

MPDP's in the family room, and asks when the wallpaper came down; it was there when they scouted the house. Vern says he thinks the homeowners were worried that the crew would paint over the wallpaper, so they took it down. Aha! Homeowners smartening up, I see. Perhaps the room didn't look so disjointed before they did that. Barb thinks Vicki took it down. Vern wonders if there's any way they can take credit for it. MPDP and Vern joke about his having already taken the wallpaper down and being ahead of schedule. MPDP asks him to imagine how far behind he'd be if the paper were still up. Vern says he's not even thinking that way.

Frank's already painted a bunch of swatches on everything. There's a swatch of strong seafoam green paint on the upper cabinets and wall above the cabinet. He tells Vicki and Rourke that they can open their eyes, and shows them the green paint first. Then he shows them the colour of the cabinet frames (pale yellow) and the drawers (coral) and the lower cabinet doors (bright yellow). Vicki says she loves it. Frank asks if she really does, and she squeals her approval. Frank sits down on the floor and pounds his feet against the floor in delight, hollering along with her.

After the commercial, Vern shows his team the wainscoting. He tells them they're lucky, because he was able to buy the primed and painted material, instead of the completely unfinished stuff, which would have added to their workload.

Vicki's trying to remove the screws from the hinges on the cabinet doors, using the cordless drill/driver, and not having any success. Frank tells her not to start whining on him now. As she's trying to explain the problem to Frank, Rourke says she should just leave it and let him do it. Okay, already this guy's on my bad side. Yeah, I know it doesn't take much, but this guy found the express lane. Frank tells Vicki not to take that from Rourke. She says she's not, and that she's going to get it out now that Rourke has said that. Frank suggests Vicki try it with the manual screwdriver.

Vern shows the wall colour: it's a warm yellow colour. He says it's not a "dead match" to the colour in the foyer, but it's a tonal value that matches, so it will flow. He says they'll leave the ceiling white, because it runs into the foyer with no stopping point. The team thinks their neighbours will love it.

Frank and Vicki are on Paige Cam, priming cabinets. MPDP asks Vicki why her friends didn't take down all their wallpaper and prime their cabinets like she did in her own house. (Well, she didn't prime her cabinets.) Vicki says it's because her neighbours are just not nice, and that they were down at the beach relaxing. MPDP: "Were you really afraid we'd paint over the wallpaper?" Vicki: "Absolutely." Not like there's much reason to be: I think every designer on the show's done it -- even Vern did once (under duress, apparently. I'm sure it still eats at him). Vicki says she wanted more attention on the room, not taking down the wallpaper. MPDP tells her she's so smart. Vicki says she watches the show all too much. I bet there had been a ceiling fan in the room before, too. MPDP pronounces Vicki an A+ homeowner.

Vern asks Barb what colour she'd like to see in her kitchen. Jamie says he'd like something like the colour they're painting the family room, or an earthy tone, like beige or light brown. Barb would like to see something lighter, like this paint colour. Actually, this looks darker to me than what's on their walls now. Vern jokes that they can move their kitchen stuff into Vicki and Rourke's family room if they don't like the colour of their kitchen.

Frank discusses carpentry projects with Ty. They're installing a new countertop. He tells Ty what he wants to do with the half-wall: he wants to install some posts and a gallery rail, as well as a deeper counter. Ty suggests some laminated pine for the counter.

Vern and Barb work on the slipcovers. When he brings her in, she says she has no experience in making slipcovers. He says he got a little head start on it, and when she sees it, she squeals that she loves it. Vern explains that because it's denim, it's durable and washable and will be good for a family with young kids. Barb keeps saying how perfect it is and how much Vicki will like it. She says they were just talking about putting denim on the sofas the other day. She keeps declaring it perfect and Vern says, "Man, that was easy."

Frank and Ty discuss the application of the peel 'n' stick tiles. Ty asks whether Frank is planning to apply them over the sheet vinyl flooring. Frank is indeed, and he's aware that there's an issue with the embossing in the existing flooring; in the centre of each "tile" in the existing floor is a square with a bumpy raised pattern. Ty is concerned that the squares will show through the new tiles. Frank says there's some kind of embossing material that you can mix up with a special activator. Ty nods, "Skim coat." Frank says that it takes about twenty minutes, and you skim it on. It takes about two hours to dry, then it has to be sanded, and then you can lay the tiles on it. Ty sighs. Frank: "I know. This is more remodelling than design." Yep, it's more like work than painting squiggles all over everything is.

Vern's at the machine sewing and Jamie's closing the pillows that have been stuffed. The pillow fabric is gorgeous: it's crewel, which I love. (And somewhere, Laurie's salivating, too.) The leaves are in different shades of mossy and dark greens, with flowers in about three shades of medium and dark blue as well as some more light and dark greens, with brown stems/branches, on a white background. It's just beautiful. It's very striking, and the scale of the pattern in relation to the size of the pillows maximizes the graphic impact. You can't really use crewel effectively in teensy amounts. Love, love, love these. Jamie says he thinks he's found his calling; he's finally found something he's good at. Vern laughs that it's Jamie's passion. Vern narrates that he's sewing some denim drapes. Jamie picks up his cue: "They look great. They look expensive, though!" Vern says he was able to get all the fabric for this room for (are you sitting down?) twenty-eight dollars. I'm just agog. You couldn't buy one tiny pillow made with that crewel fabric for $28 in a store! And he got all the denim and crewel and God knows what other fabric for $28? (I'd use about two more question marks there but I strongly suspect Wing would edit them out.) I am more in awe of Vern's abilities than ever. I think he should have his own show teaching people how to shop for redecorating and renovating. Jamie's impressed, but less so than I am. I doubt Jamie's ever purchased so much as a yard of fabric, though, and probably has no idea of typical costs.

Frank shows Rourke his fabrics. He's got one kind of dark fabric with some kind of frisky abstract print on it in a lighter colour; a muted plaid in shades of gold, green and red; and a solid yellow. I can see the last two with the paint colours he's chosen but the first one? Not at all. Frank says they're making a valance, and that Rourke is pressing the curtains right now (which seem to be the yellow fabric). The valance is going to be red, which he says is a darker tone of what they're using on the cabinets. Frank tells Rourke to get pressing. He's figured out that Rourke's "not into 'domestic'" which Rourke readily admits. He expresses his hope that his wife doesn't see him ironing. Wow, sex-role stereotyping just never gets old, does it? Frank turns to sit at the sewing machine. His plain dark green shirt is just soaked with sweat. He looks like someone hurled a bucket of water at him. I'm guessing these people don't have air conditioning. I'm also thinking that maybe the loud, colourful Frank-ish shirts he usually wears are probably a good idea with regard to the shvitz-ing. Rourke says that ironing is better than sewing. Frank half-sighs, half-snorts, "Coward." As some mouthy feminist type once said, there are really only two jobs that require specific equipment: wet nurse and sperm donor. Everything else is up for grabs. It's a big world, Rourke. Experience it.

Vern is explaining an art project to Barb and MPDP. He says, "This is my modern-day interpretation of a quilt. This is a quilt with a Vern edge." He's got several large colour photocopies, each of them maybe 12" square, of rural images: colourful outbuildings, a plowed field, a nest of speckled eggs, frost on a chain-link fence, birds on cunning wire fence, a stormy horizon over a field of wheat, etc. They all have a really strong, simple, graphic quality. They're not fussy or kitschy. MPDP asks Barb if she's excited. Please. She's excited about everything. Let's not egg on any more squealing. Vern says that there are going to be three sections of four images each. They'll be adhered to the boards with spray adhesive.

Ty and Vern discuss his storage unit. Ty's head looks like someone dumped the contents of a full pencil sharpener on top of it. MPDP voice-overs, "Uh-oh! Trouble in carpentry! Looks like the TV might not fit in the TV cabinet." Yeah, I bet that's Vern's fault. Probably didn't measure it properly. Vern says it's about six inches off. Ty claims it's four. Either way: What? That's a hell of lot to be off. Vern says he's reading the height as 3'4", and he needs 3' 10". Huh. Maybe there was some glue on the diagram and Ty couldn't read it properly. What a shame. Ty: "Well, that's the least of your problems, actually, Vern. I think the most of your problems [sic] is the fact that you've only got one halfway completed." Vern says, "I know, I know." And this of course is somehow Vern's fault? No, but it's his problem. Minor antics as filler are one thing, but you know, try to do the job right or get off the show and make room for someone who can. Ty goes on to complain about what a tough day he's had. Vern plays along, mentioning his hands. Ty's got some more glue or some other goo in his hands and says that he's been dry all day, and proceeds to slap some of the goo on his face and over his safety glasses. He whinges on: "I'm behind, Vern. I'm going to have to stay late just to try to catch up." Boy, is he crying to the wrong person. Yeah, it's an act, but it's getting really tiresome. Ty says he didn't realize it was that much work until he got started. Vern: "Well, sorry about that, dude. If we need to make alterations in order to accommodate the schedule better, let's start talking." Oy.

Frank and his team are sitting on the floor by the window. Frank's got a bucket that's half water and half the gold paint they've been using. He's squeezing some of this mixture onto a rag. He starts dabbing it onto the wall under the window, which is already yellow -- I think it's the original colour of the wall, but who knows? Anyway, Frank dabs the rag on the wall creating a faux pattern so subtle you can hardly see it on camera. Frank asks Rourke to finish this up. Vicki: "By himself?" Frank's says, "Yeah," in a way that means, "Is there a problem with that?" Vicki just says okay, but Rourke says, "First, ironing? Then, this?" He makes ironing and ragging gestures with his hand. Oh, my God. Is this guy for real? I squint at my calendar. I'm pretty sure it's 2002. Rourke asks if he can do something else. Read: something manly. Maybe he could go out to carpentry and make a big wooden penis-shaped paper towel holder or something. Frank: "What would you like, [to] go out and kill our dinner or something?" Hee hee. They all laugh about that. Vicki would like to see her husband do this stuff, so he can see what she goes through when she does it at home. Vicki? News flash: he couldn't care less.

Jamie's outside painting pieces of molding. He's already painted the coffee table white. Vern comes along and explains that he's going to lightly sand the legs to distress them a little bit. Vern: "It's country, and cottage. It can't be too perfect, right? Although I like perfect myself." Hee. We know, Vern.

Frank's still trying to sell Rourke on the ragging: "Just think of this as a very crumpled, very flexible brush!" They laugh. Frank continues: "All of sudden I feel like I've gotta go out and buy a dress for the prom because I do this all the time! Come on." Vicki laughs heartily. I'm beginning to think Frank is easily the most quotable designer on the show.