New York: Half Hollow Turn

Belated shout-out to Larry Tate. He knows why.

MPDP appears in a scoop-neck, cap-sleeved, midriff-grazing orange t-shirt and blue jeans. The team is in Monroe, New York, and they're decorating the homes of two sisters: Dawn and Randi. Dawn's teenage son Matt will be helping Dawn, while Randi's teenage daughter Kim will be the other half of Randi's team. We see them all sitting around a patio table. Dangling their feet in the pool are Frank and Amy Wynn. Not dangling her pointy-boot-clad feet in the pool is new designer Kia Steave-Dickerson. Frank pretends to drown an inflatable dog. Kia pretends to rescue it.

Randi and Kim allegedly want their family room turned into a colourful hangout. Currently, two walls are white, with fake wood panelling on the lower half, while one walls is completely covered with panelling and the fourth has no panelling. There's a huge entertainment centre housing computer equipment, a big TV, and assorted audio/video-type stuff. There's a big-ass, blobby, black leather sectional sofa that takes up most of the room. The media centre -- which is black with orangey-toned wood accents -- basically fills one corner of the room, and the furniture is all lined up along the other two walls. Behind the very long part of the couch is a window with both Venetian blinds and curtains (with matching valance) in some really hellish black, brown, and cream pattern. I can't tell exactly what's going on with the floor; it looks like there's a plain rug over beige wall-to-wall carpeting. There are lots of black track lights. Randi says that she and Kim use the room for watching TV, using the computer, and hanging out. Kim thinks that the furniture could be a lot smaller and still as functional. Randi would like it to have a more fashionable and up-to-date look. Kim says that she really likes purple and yellow, and that those are the colours in her bedroom. So she wouldn't mind if the room was purple, but she doesn't think her parents would be too crazy about that. Her mother points out that they let Kim have purple in her bedroom, but for the family room, she thinks they need something more traditional in terms of colour, so that everyone can enjoy it. Translation: "We hate purple, and that room had better not be purple." Kim says that the worst thing that could happen in the room is if they used a "crazy theme -- you know, like if they made it like a big fishbowl or something." Somewhere, a certain brunette is starting to investigate this possibility.

Dawn's living room hasn't changed for more than twenty years. It's actually an L-shaped living room/dining room area. The walls and carpet are beige. The couches are a low, footless style, with a wooden frame and flared arms. Something about the shape makes me think of a squat fast-food carton. The fabric is burgundy and looks like velvet or velour or something. The end tables and coffee tables are boxy wood and glass affairs. There are vertical blinds on the large window, and a clock and large painting on the wall above the couch. There is a tall wood and glass storage unit in the corner, and a similar one at the other side of the window. On the wall opposite the window, there's a roll-top desk. The table in the dining area is a small round one with wheeled chairs. On the dining-room wall is a wood china cabinet full of tchotchkes. There are pass-throughs to other rooms on two of the dining-room walls. There really isn't a lot of furniture in the room, and the whole effect is pretty bland. Dawn says that they mostly only use the living room when people come over. Matt wants to see some colour brought into the room. Dawn says she's told Matt that she's "designing-impaired, and that's that." Matt chuckles. Dawn says she bought the couches when she got married in 1978. No one doubts her. Matt says that change is hard for his mother. She says it's not, but that she just hasn't been inspired to do it until now. Translation: Matt nagged me until I thought I would go squirrelly. She cautions, "Nothing too dramatic, too edgy, too out there. I think I would like to see something a little more conservative, tasteful, quiet, soothing, light...." Matt wants a trendy look. Dawn thinks that, given her stress level, she would prefer something more tranquil.

Key swap. MPDP practically towers over the families. She says that Matt and Kim are the ones who applied to be on the show and got their mothers involved. She recites the rules and swaps the keys.

Randi and Kim find Frank looking at a family portrait in a really gaudy frame. Frank's laughing and holds up the picture saying, "What about this Las Vegas lounge act? Let's talk." The picture has a very late '50s-early '60s look in the clothing and hairstyles. There's a man in the middle and two younger-looking women (girls?) on each side. Are they his sisters? Daughters? The women must be Dawn and Randi. Yes, Randi confirms that it's their brother and Dawn. We don't hear whether it's Randi, too, because Kim interrupts to say that Dawn will hate that Frank showed that picture on TV. Well, then, get it out of the room beforehand. Seriously: do people really go on TV shows without having ever watched them? I know their kids got them into this, but didn't they ever watch the show before agreeing? ["They might just not have been able to catch it; TLC doesn't air Trading Spaces all that often." -- Wing Chun] Well, let's move on. There are bigger mysteries yet. Frank says that the picture is the "keystone" of his room. I'd be scared, except it's Frank, so I came into it scared. Frank asks what Randi sees for her sister's room. Randi suggests bringing the room into "this millennium," eliciting a hearty chuckle from Frank. She wants to get rid of the '70s décor and the "earth-tone colour scheme" and make it more "trendy and upbeat." Frank's concept is "transitional cautious contemporary." What the Frank? Isn't that what they've already got? The "contemporary" is for "the young man," and the "cautious" is for "the mom." He sees "cautious colour...neutral, but upbeat neutral." He says that everything's going to get an update. They clear the room.

Dawn and Matt enter Randi's house, Dawn trying to sound excited. They find Kia pretending to measure stuff. She greets them and asks them what they would like to see done. Dawn thinks there's too much furniture in the room, and that what's there is also too large for the room, so it should be scaled down. Kia agrees. She also wants to paint the walls, and asks for colour suggestions. Matt says that Kim likes a lot of pastels. Kia likes the purple in Kim's room, and wants to use some of "those sorts of bold colours and integrate pastels with it." Hmm. She whips out a little sample board and says that they're going to do "swirls." The sample board has a piece of wide wallpaper border attached to it -- a gaudy, swirly design in shades of purple, violet, blue, silver, and a mossy green. The border itself has two narrow strips of some other dense, swirly pattern in neutral colours bordering it at the top and bottom. It's seriously fugly, and it looks like something from a plastic surgeon's waiting room c. 1985. Not to mention: how tired are wallpaper borders? I admit to generally hating wallpaper and wallpaper borders, but I especially dislike it when people just stick up a border around the ceiling or middle of a room and call it "decorated." Anyway, Kia says that they're going to do something a "little dark, a little sexy," and that they're going to use velvets. There's a scrap of purple velvet on the board, too. How sexy does this nuclear family need their family room to be? I am Officially Scared. Wait, I was already Officially Scared, because of Frank. Kia says that they're going to dress it up but keep it very functional. They unload the room. While they were talking, Frink noticed that the various computer and A/V equipment was already disconnected and the cords tied up, and approves of the smartness of this kind of foresight.

MPDP brings in two cans of paint for Frank. He opens a can of black paint and says, "This is the colour I have chosen." It amazes me that this fake-out works again and again. MPDP chides them, "Oh, come on now -- this is Frank." He admits that it's just an accent colour, and Kim and Randi laugh with relief. He opens the other can, and it's a sort of light beigey-brown -- what he calls a "bamboo-y" colour. Apparently, it picks up a colour from the wallpaper in the entrance.

Kia reveals her paint colours. The first one is a lavender. Dawn loves it and says that Randi's gonna love it. I don't know...I got the distinct impression that she didn't want purple. The observant will notice that the can Kia's opened actually indicates that it's a type of primer ("Seal Zall"), so clearly it's been tinted to handle the real wall colour, which they have yet to see. She opens the second can and shows them a light minty green. Dawn oohs and aahs over that too. Kia announces, "I lied," and shows them the real wall colour, which is a much stronger purple. She says that the panelling is going to be purple, and the walls will be green.

Frank shows one of his fabrics. It's a loud graphic design in what looks like black, beige, burgundy, maybe some khaki, and white. He indicates that there will be a slipcover in the sort of beige colour.

Kia discusses carpentry with Amy Wynn. Kia wants Amy Wynn to build a bench. Amy Wynn has redrawn it -- not because there's anything wrong with Kia's sketches, which look okay, but because redrawing it helps her to be sure she understands the project. They're making a long bench with a hinged seat for storage. They discuss hinges, which Amy Wynn has to go get, having forgotten them.

Frank shows Kim and Randi another fabric in a mossy green on a black backing. MPDP thinks it looks like grasscloth. Frank says they're also going to use the wrong side of the mossy green fabric, which is completely black, and which he says resembles raw silk. He says they're going to upholster a valance with two of the fabrics, and then do a "little thing" on the sides. He makes this weird gesture with his arm that doesn't at all explain to me what this "little thing" on the sides will be. They are going to have a valance and use the existing vertical blinds. No drapes.

Kia remembers that she needs Amy Wynn's help with the lighting. Amy Wynn tells Kia to give Amy Wynn a call when Amy's ready for that. Kia also needs a cornice board.

Dawn and MPDP are priming the panelling. Dawn is excited and relieved about the colour.