New York: Whitlock Road

MPDP appears from behind a tree in a wooded area, wearing jeans and a sleeveless black t-shirt with little letters stuck on the front that read "I [heart] NY." The shirt has a kind of Velcro area on it where you can stick little letters, which I assume come with the shirt. I like it. I have a major thing about word and letter forms and collect them in many forms: refrigerator magnets, antique alphabet blocks, surplus Scrabble game pieces, Magnetic Poetry kits, you name it. If it's got words I like on it, or letters that can be moved around, I'll probably buy it. Anyway, her t-shirt will be conveying various information during this episode, in addition to that which we usually get about the state of her cute figure. New 'do: longish bangs swept to each side, and the back of her hair is kind of flipped up at the ends, but not wingy. Hair is also very cute. She tells us that two master bedrooms will be made over.

We see a shot of the two couples playing outside with their young kids. Two of them, Amy and Brian, are lawyers. (There's just a pantload of legal clichs and metaphors in this intro, and throughout the ep, so hold on to your briefs.) The other couple are described as Cousin Phil and wife Amy, although which two are cousins isn't specified. From how annoyingly argumentative Phil and Amy #1 are, I'll take a gander on the two of them being blood kin (although Brian and Phil have more physical resemblance). And: two homeowners named Amy, and Amy Wynn's the carpenter? This should be fun. Speaking of the carpentry goddess, Amy Wynn drives up in a big-ass truck with Doug and Gen standing up in the back. They are going to demonstrate the peaceful coexistence of city funk and country charm, or some such. Doug's wearing a clingy, short-sleeved black button-front shirt, black athletic pants (the tearaway kind, I believe), and thongs. That's thongs, plural, as in footwear, not thong, singular as in...as if I know what he's wearing there! Though I know quite a lot of you would like to have that information.

We see a shot of Phil and Amy's bedroom, which has pale walls, strip hardwood flooring in very good condition, modern storage units (one of which is built in) in a few different wood tones and various sizes, and a bed without a headboard. The bed has white sheets and a pale sage green coverlet. There's a small nightstand on one side and a folding table on the other. There's also a small upholstered wing-style chair, looks like probably a swivelling rocker, in beige, across from the end of the bed. The room is kind of L-shaped: when you come in the door, there's a mirrored closet to your left, and then a short, wide, hallway kind of space before you come into the main area of the room. It's sort of like a hotel room, which I personally don't like. It seems like a lot of wasted space. What's with the layouts in some of these houses? At the other end of the room, judging by the reflection in the mirror, are some glass doors that open outside onto a deck. There's a small window to the bed with vertical blinds. It's very plain but is certainly a pretty good starting point compared to lots of rooms on this show: everything in the room is in very nice condition. Frankly, even as plain as it is, it already looks better than half the "afters" on this show. Phil and Amy say they haven't done anything with this room, and that it has no design direction. They'd like to see a "real bed" with a real headboard. Phil would like "clean lines." Amy says they're fine with having the stain changed on the built-in storage unit, but Phil would like it if the other team avoided painting them. In the shot, we see a chest of drawers in a very dark tone opposite the bed, with a TV on top, and a free-standing full-length mirror in the corner near the glass doors. Amy says she likes warm colours, and Phil likes light, airy colours, but they basically agree on earthy colours. Phil suggests something like a light sage. They're looking for a bedroom that has a calm feel. So...basically, the same thing they've already got. Except more intense. But not too intense.

Brian and Amy have a fairly large bedroom, painted yellow with white trim, and it's divided in half along the ceiling with a big rough rafter. The back half is an addition. In the first half of the room as you enter, there's a wall of closets with louvered folding doors on the left. Just inside the door is a chest of drawers. The ceiling in this half of the room is sort of coffered, with recessed rectangular sections set off with small boards, kind of mini-rafters. On the right is a tall chest of drawers. In the back half of the room, there's some exposed brick, possibly a chimney; the ceiling is flat, very low, and slopes down slightly toward the windows. to the exposed brick is a desk and some low office shelving. The bed is against the wall between the two small windows, each of which has yellow and white curtains. There are also some other curtains on the wall opposite the desk, which cover the doors to the deck. On either side of the bed is a night table in orangey-toned wood; looks like knotty pine. There's a beige carpet which Amy says is hideous. Meh -- it's dull but I've seen much worse. "Much worse," in fact, is waiting for them at the end of the show. Brian says that there are "heart of pine" floors underneath the carpet in the older half of the room. Amy describes their taste as "contemporary country." They mention that the desk area as a complete nightmare for them, but that it has to stay in the room because they use it every day. Amy says that they always talk about their "Manhattan life" and their "Virginia life on the farm," and that what they want here is a mixture of those two.

Key swap. That is, in fact, what MPDP's t-shirt says. Brian and Amy are in blue; Phil and Amy are in red. The Amys will henceforth be known as Blue Amy and Red Amy, until such time as I see fit to rename them. MPDP points out that Phil and Red Amy are lucky that Brian and Blue Amy are attorneys, because they can argue well on Phil's and Amy's behalf. Brian and Blue Amy say they will. Phil points out, "Or they can sue us." MPDP apparently didn't see that one coming, and after quickly acknowledging that, goes on to say that she's the judge of this court and blah blah blah Rhadamantinecakes. She works the legal blather for longer than it takes to pass the bar exam and finally swaps the keys.

Phil and Red Amy find Genevieve perched on the bed, having some little coffee ceremony on one of the nightstands. She's wearing a black sleeveless t-shirt as well (as is Amy Wynn when we see her later -- I'll bet they all called each other), blue jeans, and a big, wide, white leather belt -- wider and whiter than anything you ever saw on Herb Tarlek. Girlfriend loves that retro vibe, she does. Gen invites Phil and Red Amy to have a seat on either side of the table. They duly kneel. It's Phil's last gesture of obeisance to her authority for a long time. Better live it up now, Gen. She explains that coffee is the theme for the room. Neither of them seems overjoyed about it. Gen says that since there's so much yellow everywhere in the house, she wanted to bring in a new colour. She wants espresso on the "rafters," caf latt on the walls, and milk/cream/sugar for the trim. She assures them it's going to be beautiful and warm and rich, and Red Amy says she likes warm and rich, but Phil starts talking over them, saying that one of the things resonating in his head is "chocolate. No chocolate!" Well, I guess the other homeowners have seen one too many episodes with poop brown paint. Gen assures him there's no chocolate on the walls, just caf latt. She says it's like a yellow, but a little bit richer and warmer. I've never drunk coffee in my life (and no, I'm not Mormon), but I've not been under the impression that caf latt had any yellow in it. Well, live and learn, I suppose. She tells them they're going to take up the rug in the front half of the room, "antique" the furniture, move the bed out from the wall, create a headboard, and build a "desk environment" behind the bed. She tells them to clear the room. MPDP appears, during the room unloading, to be biting a what I think is a pretend cookie, probably one of the kids' toys. She also goofs around with a little guitar (or maybe it's a ukulele; I wouldn't know).

Blue Amy and Brian find Doug marking lines on the wall with a long level. He explains that they're going to do blocks of colour on the wall in sage tones. He asks them what their ideas are. Blue Amy's got a big picture for him: "Calm, comfortable, functional, open." Well, they've more or less already got that. Blue Amy adds that she wants it warm, with a little romance. She mentions candles, and that Phil and Red Amy love sage; maybe some bamboo, maybe some orchids. She keeps going on until Doug says that they're doing blocks of colour on the wall, because Phil likes clean lines; they're also going to make a headboard, add some kind of dark modern-looking crown molding, darken the wood furniture, move the bed onto the opposite wall, and move the armoire where the bed is now. At the mention of moving the bed, Blue Amy has a problem, but Doug wisely keeps talking over her, saying that they're going to make some side tables, and that he wants to appease the homeowners, but that he also wants his team to give their cousins what Brian and Blue Amy want. They clear the room.

Gen explains that because there isn't enough money to make all the flooring under the carpeted part of the addition match the pine in the older part, they're just going to take up the carpet as far as the old flooring goes, cut it, seam it, put a threshold over it, and the bed will be partly on the carpet and partly on the bare wood floor, although she says there will be a throw rug that covers most of the wood floor. I'll be surprised if this looks good. And if the carpet is good enough for the back half of the room, why not leave it down in the front, too? The room's already choppy enough, what with the two different ceilings and the exposed brick and all. Why emphasize that?

Doug's measuring and marking more lines. Doug explains that the blocks will be eighteen and a half inches square. He's using three colours: a light and a dark sage, and then a third colour created by mixing the first two. He assures them that it won't be blaring. And we're into the first commercial break.

The bumper back into the show is MPDP lying on her side, posing in front of the Trading Spaces truck and making fake smooches to the camera. Back on the show, she stands over Gen as Gen rips up the carpet, exposing a floor that's in pretty bad shape. It's fairly dark and discoloured in places and almost looks like there's some whitish mold on it. Brian says it will take some work. Gen agrees. Frink and I roll eyes our skeptically at each other.

Doug reveals his paint colours. He pours the light sage colour, saying it blends in perfectly with a stripe in some pillows he bought. Brian wants to know what they're calling this colour. Doug doesn't know, and suggests that they name it. Blue Amy says that Red Amy was wearing a shirt that colour the other day. Doug claims that he's always thinking of the homeowner. He pours the darker sage. They're both nice, but then, I'm extremely partial to greens. Doug then fills an empty quart can with the dark paint, and instructs Brian to pour it into a gallon can. Blue Amy wonders how Phil and Red Amy (man, I keep wanting to type Red Army) will like the squares. Brian thinks that they'll find them a challenge. Doug thought that Phil liked things all lined up. Brian says that's true, as Doug pours a quart can of the lighter sage colour. Brian thinks that if it's done right, it might work for them.

Gen says that the floor is "antiqued," all right, but that it needs some work. There's another shot of it, and it's pretty scratched and gouged in places. That's not something you can fix with some light sanding. The gouges are too deep for that. Phil says that one option is a huge area rug. Gen says that a huge area rug is a lot of money, and that they already have a smaller area rug. Another option is leaving well enough alone, if there isn't enough money to do any one kind of floor treatment. I'm just saying. It's not like the carpet is totally skanky, and it's not like the colour won't go with the coffee scheme. Red Amy thinks that it won't take that long to sand the area.

Doug holds a square throw pillow covered in what looks like a kind of chenille fabric, in five wide stripes of slate blue, sage, rust, white, and either black or very dark blue. He holds it up to the paint samples on the wall, asking whether they like it, and whether they think it will work. Blue Amy's not sure. She says that Red Amy was definitely looking for sage, but was also looking for a burnt red. Doug puts his arm around Blue Amy and reminds her that he doesn't care what Red Amy wants. There's the Doug we know and love! He adds that he wants them to do what they want. So long as it's what he wants, that is. (He says that last part in his head.) Blue Amy finds the pillow too '70s or something, and says she loves the paint colours but that she's not that moved by the pillow. Doug: "You will be."

Phil suggests that if they're going to take up the carpet anyway, they might as well put the carpet back, and paint first, so that the sanding doesn't "pick up on the paint." Actually, unless the paint's perfectly dry when they start sanding, it seems to me you'd end up with some sawdust in the paint, but whatever. Gen's all behind that idea, and urges Phil to organize her.

Doug's measuring lines up near the ceiling, and remarks on how quiet it is: "You guys stopped talking." Doug doesn't know how to quit when he's ahead. Brian's taping and Blue Amy's painting and they both start yattering about how there's so much work to do and so little time and about how they're committed and whatever. They've got several squares painted on the wall already, although in this shot, the colour is pretty washed out and the paint looks more brown than green. Doug wants to know why Phil is so meticulous. Brian's not exactly sure why. Doug says, of meticulousness, "Not that there's anything wrong with that." Amy starts to talk and isn't painting much, so Doug reminds her, "Workie-talkie." Amy objects that he said they were too quiet and now he's complaining that they're not working enough.