Long Island: Steuben Boulevard

Shout-out to CydW.

MPDP appears sitting on the edge of a dock, fishing, jeans rolled up to her knees and wearing what looks like the top half of a baby doll nightie or something: a yellow printed top with poufed, ruffled short sleeves, pulled off the shoulders. I suppose it's a change from seeing her midriff. Frink and I both thought "Daisy Mae" at the same time. I wonder how MPDP managed to roll her jeans up to her knees, since they're pretty damn tight. She's back to the old haircut, but it's a little less wingy. She introduces Maria and her husband Brian, who are shown batting a baseball. They're having their dining room redone. Maria's cousin Anna, and her husband Sal, are shown rollerblading. They want their bedroom redone. Insert lots of fish, baseball, and rollerskating clichs here. Anna and Maria look a lot alike -- more than enough to be sisters, with practically the same hair. It should be fun trying to keep them straight. Actually, their husbands look a lot alike, too. Plus they've used the green and blue team shirts, which Frink thinks are too hard to tell apart at a glance. Usually I don't have too much trouble, but when couples look and sound this much alike, well...

Now Daisy Mae's in a boat, reciting the rules of the show. She tells us, with the assistance of more fish clichs, that the designers are Frank and the new guy, Edward Walker; Edward apparently used to be the sewing coordinator for the show, and has been promoted to designer this season. We see Frank and Edward in a little boat, paddling along. Ty comes running down the dock, and takes a flying leap over the boat and into the water. Frink thinks Ty is just hilarious. In fact, he informs me that Ty is his favourite cast member. He has sort of a weakness for goofballism, a trait I do not share.

Sal and Anna's bedroom is pretty blah: white walls; wall-to-wall cut-pile carpeting in a colour they call green, but which looks more like teal on my screen (lot of blue in it); very dull bed linens in a purplish grey; black chests of drawers/nightstands; a crucifix above the bed, hunter green miniblinds on the window; white ceiling fan. Sal says they're pretty much modern and contemporary kind of people, and that's how the rest of the house is decorated. He says they're not into country.

Brian says their style is country, and contemporary doesn't work in their home. Their dining area is fairly large, with a very high cathedral ceiling. The ceiling is panelled in knotty pine, stained an orangey colour. There are a few narrow rectangular skylights. The walls are kind of a pale yellow. There's a built-in hutch on one wall, except that it's only the top half, and below it, there's just a big open rectangular space. Very weird. It's distracting as hell, partly because it's so top heavy and partly because, the hell? What's that opening for? It's painted inside and the flooring runs in there, so it seems pretty intentional, but I can't imagine what it's supposed to be. They have a rectangular dining room set that seats six, all in orangey wood tone. The floor is hardwood in, you guessed it, a lighter orangey wood tone. There's a window with vertical blinds and a floral valance. There's a free-standing storage unit with open shelving and a couple of drawers in an orangey-stained pine. There's a brick fireplace placed on an angle and the whole room is very open to the large kitchen to it, where there are more orangey-toned cupboards and Mexican tile-esque flooring (I can't tell from this distant shot whether it's real or vinyl or what.) There's a blobby black leather couch that's totally at odds with the feel of the room. What this room needs are some cool colours, or some neutrals -- something to provide some contrast and relieve the eye. Maria says that she would like a Southwest touch. She adds that if she doesn't like what's done to her house, she's going to drag her cousin over there by her hair. Brian says he'll grab Sal by his earlobe and bring him over and say, "What did you do?" Maria says she'll just ask if they had fun doing it and "love them anyway." Aw.

Key swap. Daisy Mae's pretty calm. She points out that each of the cousins has a heart-motif keychain. Aw. Daisy Mae: "I assume that no love will be lost during this challenge." Everybody high-fives each other. Daisy Mae mimes some goofy clapping and high-fiving as they leave.

Anna and Sal find Frank reading a framed poem Brian wrote for Maria, prominently displayed on their mantel. Frank remarks, with a lot of vigorous gesturing, that it's a very big room; he wonders how they're going to make it more unified. Does he always gesture this much, and I just haven't noticed? Anna says that the couch should be covered up or removed, and that there should be colour on the walls. Sal says he knows that Maria isn't crazy about the ceiling fan. We see shot of it: God help me, it's the first one I've seen on this show that's actually uglier than the one in my kitchen. Ours is almost identical, except ours has cane on the blades instead the fussy little pattern on these ones, and there's a central globe light in addition to the four flared-and-fluted glass shades. So, actually, it's probably a draw as to which one's uglier. Frank says they'll talk about that. Which usually means, "We're going to paint roosters on it later." Frank, cranking his arms wildly, describes a conversation area, in which they may "salvage" (i.e. steal) something from another room, with maybe a rug. "Maybe"? He wants to do something "really neat" to the table, but not actually paint it. What? Just a centrepiece or something. Frank says he's going to put cabinet doors on the weird hole in the wall, which he doesn't understand either. Anna says maybe you're supposed to put a TV there or something. Well, I suppose. Seems a little low to me. I kind of like to have TVs slightly below eye level when seated, but given that TVs on this show are almost always placed anywhere but in that location, I must be alone on that. Frank also wants to separate the kitchen and dining room somehow, with some doors. He wants to see the room "more used." They clear it out.

Edward's pretending to check out the folding doors on the closet when Brian and Maria arrive. He has a great deal of some very slick, shiny hair goo in his hair. He asks them what he thinks their cousins want. Brian would like the see the walls bright. Edward says, twice, that they can address that. Maria points to the TV -- which is perched on a white folding TV tray/snack table -- and says it has to go. I'm with her. Edward agrees. He thinks the issue is the green carpeting, and promises that they're going to address that. I hope to God they're going to rip it out. He wants to reposition the bed, do something with the closet doors; address the dresser (which we see is a low chest of drawers and huge round mirror in black lacquer); create some storage for the TV; and perhaps build an armoire or something. They clear the room.

As Sal and Anna tape, Frank is rolling a very dark orangey-red paint onto the walls. Good. Gravy. It's just way too much with all the orangey-toned wood, which has a less lurid aspect to it (there being lots of shades of brown in it) than this colour, which makes me think of fast-food restaurants in the late '70s. Yes, it's that colour. Sal and Anna ooh and aah over it. Frank says he wants them to see what it does to the wood, and starts to comment on it, but doesn't get to explain what it is he thinks it does to the wood, because Anna says it's very bold. If you ask me, what it does is fight with the wood.

Edward reveals the wall colour: he calls it "light mocha." Maria likes it. Frink pronounces it "Crayola flesh tone" (which is, of course, the colour of no human flesh whatsoever). But it's a fine neutral. ["To me it looked exactly like the colour of the tray into which they were pouring it." -- Wing Chun] Edward says he wants to use it to neutralize the carpeting. Er...the carpeting's staying? And with this colour on the walls. I don't think it's going to neutralize the carpet at all. Nor do I think it goes with the carpet.

Frank is standing in front of the dark orangey-red swatch on the wall, saying, "When we spray the trees on there..." Spray the trees? Who in the what now? Anna wants to know what kind of trees. Frank says they're an off-white or a beige. Uh...huh. They're going to go from the ceiling to the floor on two walls. Oh my Lord.

Daisy Mae decides to check out Anna and Sal's pet iguana. We see a shot of said iguana chomping some food out of a plastic bowl. Suddenly, Daisy Mae appears wearing turquoise rubber gloves (the colour of choice for iguana-wrangling) and comes into the bedroom, asking, "Edward...is there any way we could help?" I do like that she likes animals so much, and isn't afraid to hold an iguana. She could be all squealy and fake-o girly about it, and thank God she's not. I actually think she'd totally be in her element on a show with kids or animals -- preferably both. Edward isn't quite so keen on lizards, apparently: "No, we are not using this thing! I'm outta here." We see a close-up of the iguana, with his eyes closed. He's so sweet! I'm usually not too big on reptiles myself, but this one seems charming and rather dignified. He's got quite the wattle (a perfectly serviceable word that's been ruined for me...thanks ever so much, David E. Kelley). I'd kind of like to see him suddenly squirm out of Daisy Mae's grasp, though, and watch everybody freak out. Brian jokes with Edward about having the iguana help, and maybe putting a dog collar on him. The iguana is thinking, "Over my dead body, bub." Edward says that if they want him to stay and help, the iguana has to go. Daisy Mae dutifully takes the iguana away, at which point he actually does start to squirm and thrash his tail around. We quickly go to commercial so we don't see the new guy throw a complete hissyfit.

Frank and Ty confab about the doors between the kitchen and dining area. Frank's idea is a bunch of luaun doors hinged together on casters. Frink: "That's what they do in gymnasiums." Indeed. He's visualizing them folding accordion-fashion, one on each side. Frank asks Ty, "Can you come up with something better?" Frink and I burst out laughing. He just sounded so desperate.

Edward and Brian "address" the issue of the dresser. He knows that Anna doesn't like it. They're going to paint the top and the drawer faces, and leave the ends. They have to sand it down first.

Ty tells Frank he looked around and found some 1" x 6 " tongue and groove knotty pine which will match the room. He proposes two four-foor doors, mounted on a track. They can be hung so that one slides behind the other, or so they both slide behind the fireplace, the back of which is open into the kitchen.

Edward wants Brian to address the bed frame, by which he means sand it.

Frank likes Ty's idea. Ty says that if Brian and Maria don't like it, they can just unscrew it and throw it away. Well, if we're designing stuff for ease of disposal, Frank's freestanding luaun gymnasium dividers score even higher on that count. Frank's other carpentry project is the doors to hide The Mystery Hole.

Brian sands up a storm, sans mask. He sings, "I'm Carpenter Man..."

Ty gestures at something we can't see and asks Frank if he wants them made out of pine. Frank says he bought little hinges that are silver and brass. Silver and brass? Don't know about that. Ty says it's up to Frank. They're mumbling about stuff to each other, but unfortunately it's not too clear to the audience just what that is. It seems like they're each trying to acquiesce to the other about something. Ty plays with his measuring tape, and sticks it out a couple of feet, and kind of waves it around Frank's nose. Frank: "I'm gonna hurt you so bad." Ty's oblivious, and says he'll put together some sketches and let Frank take a look at them.

Brian and Edward look at pieces of wood which will replace the faux-Colonial panel doors on the closet. They're going to stain them.

Anna and Frank paint the wall. Sal -- up on what looks like a ten-foot ladder -- wants to know why he gets stuck up there. The ceiling must be about twelve feet. Suddenly, Daisy Mae comes in and says, "Because only the bravest, studly men get put up there." Frank: "Thank you, Paige." Frank says he's terrified of heights. He does a good job controlling it. Remember him crapping up that ceiling in the sorority house ("Santa Clara: Lafayette Street")? He was up on that ladder for quite a while. Frank says he's going to have some trouble when it comes time to spraypaint these floor-to-ceiling white birch trees.

Ty drives up to Sal and Anna's house, where Edward is waiting to discuss his carpentry projects. Ty seems to have a little bit of an attitude toward Edward. Someone on the forums suggested that it could be because the pecking order has changed; Ty used to "outrank" Edward as onscreen talent; now Edward outranks him, as designers do carpenters. Maybe he's just hazing the new guy. Ty puts on a latex glove as Edward explains that he wants an "arm-wah." Edward says he has to say it that way, because with his accent, "armoire" sounds terrible. At least he knows it's not "arm-wah."