Maine: George Street

MPDP appears in black jeans and turtleneck and a yellow jacket. Vern uses this as inspiration for his colour scheme in the following episode. She announces that they are north of Portland in the state of Maine, and then there are some "state" and "main" puns. We see Gen and Doug in front of a fish and seafood store; Gen's prancing along when Doug comes scampering up behind her, slipping and sliding on the wet sidewalk and grabbing her waist, causing her to miss her footing, too. Gen giggles. The shot is Ty in some kind of grey and yellow jumpsuit, wrestling one live lobster out of a big netful and trying to stuff it down the front of the hipwaders Gen's wearing. Doug does likewise. Gen tries to fend them off, giggling. Ty holds a lobster above his head and dangles it down his piehole, while Gen pretends to catch Ty with the net.

There's a shot of two couples, probably in their fifties, playing cards. The two women are sisters who live door to each other, each with her husband. MPDP says that the task today is to "take the kitsch out of their kitchens." So even if we didn't already know who the designers were, we'd have to assume Frank was not among them, since his specialty is putting the kitsch in.

Steve and Joyce want to add colour to their kitchen, which is about 75% wood, and all more or less the same tone and colour of wood, too. There's so little contrast that there's no relief for the eye. Joyce and Steve also want more storage. There are lots of wood cabinets, a round wooden table and captain's chairs, and a wall of diagonal wood panelling. In front of that wall, there's a small wooden hutch placed off-centre, beside an off-centre red brick chimney (just a chimney, no fireplace). A mass of baskets hangs in the window above the sink, except that they're there in some shots and not in others. What's with that? The appliances are white and placed to each other on the wall opposite the chimney. Joyce says that she'd like to have a pantry cabinet on the panelled wall so that she'll have more storage, since she doesn't have much cupboard space. She says that the cabinets are birch, that she would like to see them painted out, and that she is open to a new countertop. Steve also wants to see the chimney covered up somehow; he never liked it. He wants the hutch gone, too. Joyce likes it; it was her mother's. She says that nothing has been done to the house since it was built in the '70s, except for the new wallpaper, but even that's ten years old now. There's a shot of the wallpaper; it's some small, insipid pattern -- looks like leaves. Steve says he's "really into neutral colours" which are easy on his eyes, not bright colours. He adds, "But being [sic] Doug is designing this...who knows?"

Daryl and Ellen want their kitchen to be "lighter and brighter," with a lot less birch wood. Their kitchen, with the same birch cabinets, is extremely similar to Steve and Joyce's -- so much so that it turns out that the shot of the baskets over the sink that was included in the scene actually belongs here. Their appliances are also white, but in this kitchen, the refrigerator is on the wall opposite the stove -- it's where the chimney is in the other kitchen. The vinyl floor features some kind of muddy pastel-and-neutral mottled pattern. Ellen says that she absolutely hates birch wood, and has had these exact cupboards in every house she's ever lived in since she was a child -- down to the same hardware -- and she wants them gone. They show the hardware, and it's the awful quasi-Colonial style in black metal. It's exactly what some owner put on our kitchen cupboards, and I can't stand them. (Some of the owners of our house -- which was built in 1881 -- seemed to subscribe to that misguided but all-too-pervasive school of decorating thought whereby anything that looks vaguely like it's a replication of something from yesteryear, or hints at Ye Olde Times, or looks weathered and beat-up, must automatically be suited to use in an old house, or conveys a vintage or antique style. And it all magically goes together. Sure. Personally, I think quasi-Colonial hardware looks somewhat ridiculous in a Victorian house.) Daryl says he'd just like to see it a little bit brighter.

Daryl and Ellen don't have a table in the kitchen, although there's room to eat in there; instead, they have a little seating area with a wicker settee and side chair with floral cushions and a trunk. There's also a floor lamp. It looks a little odd and out of place in the kitchen. Ellen says she put the "couch" in the kitchen because she had leftover furniture when she downsized, and her kids would sit there and read or do homework while she cooked. Their walls are also covered with wallpaper in a busy floral pattern. Daryl wants to see the baskets go away. They must really block the light and view from the window; there are at least a dozen of them there. Ellen says that the only thing she's really worried about is colour. She says that the room's openness to the rest of the house limits one from going really bold in there without changing the entire house.

Key swap. MPDP's perkolating (tm me) at about 3 or 4 out of 10. She remarks that Steve's looking curmudgeonly and wonders if he's up to the challenge. He says he is. They swaps keys and run off. Ellen and Daryl find Doug prowling through the hutch. MPDP says he's going to use subtle colour in a dramatic way. He asks their thoughts. Daryl and Ellen agree that the brick chimney's gotta go. Ellen suggests soothing, relaxing colours, such as taupes or cranberries. Doug says that they're doing white and umber. They're painting the cabinets white and adding decorative molding to them; they're building a pantry storage unit around the chimney; they're making a tablecloth in coordinating colours; they're painting the chairs white; they're adding a rug and an island and some Roman shades. Ellen and Daryl seem enthused about all that. Just before they unload the room, Doug takes a little figurine of a dog (a spaniel, I think) and sets it on the window frame, saying, "I'm gonna put this little doggie in the window," and then growls adorably. "Let's go."

Joyce walks into her sister's house saying, "I can't wait to get started on this." Steve says, "Yeah, I hope Gen's got some wild ideas for payback." They both sound fairly coached and stiff. Gen's perched on the sink, pulling baskets down. She asks what they want to see in the room. Joyce says she wants the baskets gone. Gen assures her that they're going, along with the country-ish vibe of the room. Steve says he's seen some of Gen's stuff on TV, and that he's going to "let her go with wildness." Gen says she loves him: "No one ever says that!" She adds, "'Wild' will be interpreted into anything I do, so I'm not worried about that, either." She plans to go for what she calls a "1930s Americana" look. Gen says it will not involve flags everywhere, but that they're bringing in colour and laminates; changing the cupboards; getting rid of the wicker furniture and creating a place to sit and eat in the kitchen; and getting rid of the wallpaper. She instructs Steve to start removing the cabinet hardware as she and Joyce start unloading the room.

Doug discovers some countertop laminate samples, and wonders what they are. Ellen says that's what they want him to put on the countertops. Doug wonders if that's supposed to be a subtle hint. He looks at them, tossing them aside as he dismisses each one.

Steve says he hopes that Ellen and Daryl are doing as good a job on his house as he and Joyce are doing. Gen asks if he thinks Doug's team could ever do as good a job as they will; Steve immediately replies, "No." Gen laughs and tells the camera, "I didn't say that. Doug, I love your work." Steve says that Doug is scary. Gen asks why. Steve says he's seen some of the shows Doug's done. His wife tells him he has to be open-minded. Steve mentions the Pullman car episode ("Maryland: Fairway Court"). The bumper to the commercial features Doug and Gen goofing around at the seafood store; Doug snaps the suspenders of Gen's hipwaders against her chest, then waggles his tongue at the camera and zips off.

Ellen asks Doug if they have to save "the godawful knobs." Doug says he's got some new chrome knobs, describing them as somewhat nautical and modern, and states that he's also got some light fixtures in that vein as well. Ellen wonders why they got the nautical look, because that's what she wanted. Doug jests, "Well, because they got me...and I always give people exactly what they want."

Gen brings in some sanders for the cupboards. She asks Steve and Joyce their opinions on the wallpaper. Joyce: "What about the wallpaper?" Gen begins to explain: "These are your friends...." Steve: "They used to be." Gen reassures him. Steve repeats his statement. Gen giggles and asks Joyce how she deals with him. After twenty-two years together Joyce still doesn't know. Gen says they can prime and paint the wallpaper, or steam it off. Joyce and Steve vote for steaming it off.

MPDP comes in to hassle Doug. Daryl is removing cabinet doors in the background. She shows him the laminate samples again, but remarks that he couldn't afford that on their budget anyway. Doug says they could, as Daryl nearly drops a cabinet door, but that it's just not the route they're going. Doug's looking especially beefy in this episode, particularly in this shot. I don't know if he's been working out or if it's just a very well-fitting t-shirt. MPDP congratulates him on thinking ahead and numbering the cabinets. Doug insists that he always thinks ahead. MPDP says she likes that. Doug: "It may not always be the right thinking, but I always think ahead."

Ty comes in to see Gen. She needs him to lift the sink so that they can tile the countertop. Ty: "So you guys are doing the tile work yourself?" Gen: "Yes, and you're gonna help." Ty: "Sounds like you guys are doing the tile work yourself!"

Doug starts talking about covering the wallpaper; Ellen says that her sister's and Steve's worst fear is that Ellen and Daryl are going to paint over the wallpaper. Doug says they are going to do that, but assures her that they're going to prime it. Ellen buys it, but MPDP seems skeptical. Doug says that they'll prime it with oil-based primer and seal it in. He starts to tell a story about his parents' farmhouse, but noticing MPDP's doubtful expression, interrupts himself to harangue MPDP: "How long have you been a decorator? How long have you been doing this? You stand there with that little puss on your face..." He screws up his face mockingly. She laughs and walks away saying, "Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong." Doug: "Again?"

Ty finds out that Ellen and Daryl's house is on well water, so he has to shut the water off at the source. Since they'll be without water for a while, everyone is advised to use the facilities now.

Doug tells his team they need to start putting deglosser on the cabinet doors so they can get them primed. They take off.

Ty is wedged underneath the sink in Gen's kitchen. It's a good thing he's thin, because there's not much room in there, and as it is, he complains that it's crushing his rib cage. MPDP comes in to see what's going on. Ty explains to Steve that he hopes there's enough play in the pipes that he can push the sink up without having to disconnect the pipes, since there's not even enough room to get the necessary tools in the right place. Steve dryly asks: "Should we call a plumber now?" Ty: "You should call someone. I'd call 911." MPDP reminds Steve that the game is two days, $1000, and a carpenter: "You don't get a plumber." Ty: "Well...you get a plumber's crack, you just don't get a plumber." That, I don't need to see.

Ellen and Daryl are outside working on the cabinets. They agree that using a chemical deglosser is so much easier than sanding them down. But Ellen wanted to use a sander -- she never gets to use power tools. Daryl says there's a reason they don't let her use power tools. Ellen wonders whether the stuff they're using is flammable.

Ty is able to push the sink up more than far enough for the purposes of tiling.

In one of those moments that feels really obviously coached, Daryl asks his wife what she thinks about working with Doug so far. Ellen says, "Well, so far it hasn't been bad. He's kinda cute -- easy on the eyes." Daryl: "Doesn't do it for me." Ellen: "Well, you know, I hope not." Imagine if someone chose a moment like this to come out. Right in the middle of deglossing on national TV. That'd be interesting. Ellen says, "Yeah, well, you know, he hasn't been a real jerk yet." Well, there's still lots of time.

Gen's outside with her team, and shows them two little plates from which she's drawn the colour palette. She shows them the paint, which she calls an "antique green" or "patina green." But the plates themselves are a stronger green, while the paint is more washed out -- kind of eau de Nil. I like the green on the plates more, but the paint might look okay. It's going to be used for the backsplash. Joyce likes it a lot. Gen shows them the antique white that will be used for the cupbaards. Joyce loves it all and says, "Gen, that's my kitchen." They joke about moving into the other house.

Daryl's priming the wallpaper on the backsplash. Doug reminds Daryl that he needs to wear the respiratory mask, as he and Ellen are doing, since they're working with shellac-based paint. Daryl's dismissively macho about it, but Doug insists. He's right. The fumes from that stuff will set off a carbon monoxide detector. Did you know that? I found out the hard way when I was priming the wood in my living room in March. Ellen talks through her mask and is unintelligible; Doug makes fun of her a bit while she keeps muttering.

Gen and Steve are using Paper Tigers to score the wallpaper. Gen combs Steve's hair with the Paper Tiger. Somebody likes older men, I think.

Doug and his team continue painting. The masks may save brain cells, but they make the bantering a lot more difficult. The fact that Doug looks hot even with a respiratory mask on is impressive, to say the least.

Gen asks if Steve thinks they're steaming at his house. Well, Doug is. Steve: "They better be, if they're removing wallpaper." Gen asks, "What if they just painted over yours?" Steve says he'll have Daryl there the week to do it right.

Doug's trying to prime the cupboards above the sink, under which Ty is working. Ty suggests, "By all means, please get some of that primer on my clothes...I'd really appreciate that." Doug says, "I'll do that...I'll do my best..." in a way that's supposed to be matching Ty's comment in sarcasm, but sounds more like a half-hearted mental note to himself to do precisely that. Doug asks if Ty wants to discuss the "thing around the fireplace" now; Ty says he'd love to, and crawls out from under the sink.

There's a pretty big mess on the wall behind the stove in Gen's kitchen. The stove's been pulled out, the wallpaper's been removed, and Gen says that there used to be tile where the drywall is popping out. I can't really see what she's talking about, but I'll go along. Gen says that the necessary wall repairs are going to set them back. Steve: "Us, or me?" Gen says, "Us. What do you think I'm doing?" Steve says she's going to go to a party in Portland tonight. She laughs and asks if he's ever seen the show. She says she's there until the end of the day...but admits that he'll have more homework than she does. She says she's not going to leave him with the mess behind the stove.

Doug shows Ty his plans for the pantry cabinet. Basically, it's a large cabinet that will almost fill the wall. It will completely conceal the chimney inside the cabinet, but there should also be a fair bit of storage space nonetheless. The chimney will still be there, but Joyce and Steve won't have to look at it all the time. It seems like a pretty good solution to this problem. Ty asks whether the butcher block countertop is the only other project. Doug says it is, because he found a cart to use as an island of sorts. Ty asks Doug if it's a cart or a gurney. They go back and forth about carts and gurneys, with Doug insisting it's a cart until he changes his story at the last minute.

Gen is sanding the backsplash wall when MPDP comes in, sees the state of the walls. and hollers, "Oh no!" Gen stops sanding, removes the towel she's using to cover her face (where's Doug, the respirator cop?), and says, "I know! Have you seen this before?" MPDP says she has. It's not quite "Chicago: Fairview Avenue," but it ain't pretty. MPDP asks Gen if she knows what to do. Gen says her team does -- "they're professionals" -- but laments how something you'd think should be so quick is never that easy. Tell. Me. About. It.