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Because Texans haven't been quite fully insulted by all the rootin', tootin' stereotypes trotted out in the recent slew of episodes, they pull out all the stops for this show in Dallas. MPDP rides out in a cowboy hat on a horse, working the whole "Howdy, pardner" schtick, yammering about being just "down the trail a piece from Big D" and neighbours "chomping at the bit" to remake each other's homes. Yes, really. I am left wondering why they didn't have her pronounce the "neigh" in "neighbours" as a whinny. I guess that would have been overkill. As MPDP tries to finish her intro, the horse trots off in the wrong direction, taking MPDP away from the camera. She cackles oddly and holds on to her hat. ["Which totally didn't fit her, by the way." -- Kim] The viewing audience blesses the horse.
Cut to a young couple...er, "cowpokes," named Chad and Sherry (with their kids), who want their family room redone. The other cowpokes are Tim and Lori, also shown with their two kids, who want their playroom redesigned. And "riding into town" to "wrangle these rooms until the final showdown" are the designers, Genevieve and Vern, who also ride out on horses, Gen looking slightly more at ease on a horse than Vern. Gen and Vern are followed by Ty, who's on a horse that won't go, despite Ty's apparent efforts to make it giddy up. He gives up with what I can only describe as an equine sigh. Gen and Ty are wearing cowboy hats. Vern is not, which surprises exactly no one.
Cut back to MPDP, who's apparently struggling to control her horse, and declares that it "could be a lot like riding bareback in a Texas twister" to get the rooms done on time and within budget. MPDP: "But I'm here to help rein 'em all in." She giggles and gives a "woo" and a "whoa" as she gets the horse to stop.
Cut to a shot of a McMansion; it's Chad's and Sherry's. Their family room isn't the worst-looking "before" I've ever seen on this show -- and in fact, given some of the hellish "afters" this show has spawned, it looks a lot better than plenty of those, too. The room "before" is just kind of bland. They say they use the room a lot for entertaining, and that it's the centre of their home. It's got beige carpet, nondescript off-white walls, a white fireplace, and (uh oh!) the ubiquitous ceiling fan with the faux wood-looking blades. I can't tell in this shot whether it's just a ceiling fan or has a light in the centre. The ceiling fans-cum-lights are almost always much more hideous than a plain old ceiling fan. The room is furnished with a kind of taupe-beige sofa; a pine armoire; a wing chair that looks black in this shot but I think is actually dark green; a child's wooden rocking chair; and some kind of dark-coloured trunk (which looks red in this shot but I think actually has a very dark orangey stain) for a coffee table. The curtains are white; there is the usual handful of plants, candles, and accessories; and on one wall, there's some sort of interesting contraption for displaying art, which only has two pictures on it but looks like it might be designed to handle more. They say they want the room to have more drama and elegance and to elicit a very positive reaction from people. Chad doesn't want it to look cold or untouchable, and doesn't want the room to be any shade of pink, and he's not even all that crazy about red. That's when I know he's getting Vern. They're fine with the furniture coming out. Sherry adds she'd like to see a "cool finish" on the floor; they're not big on the carpet. Sherry says they're just going to let them do whatever they're going to do and she hopes they'll love it. But she says it in the sort of nervous way that tells you she's seen this show. Unlike, say, Crying Pam.
“ I'm not crazy about valances generally, but I always think it looks vaguely ridiculous to slap one up and consider it a window treatment all on its own, kind of like wearing a tank top and tying a ribbon around your upper arm, apropos of precisely nothing. ”
Over at Tim and Lori's McMansion, we see a shot of the playroom. It has a fairly high ceiling, and basically the same off-white walls and taupe-beige carpet as in the other couple's family room. Their ceiling fan is white, and has lights in it. The room has a pine entertainment centre in it; a medium blue couch trimmed with white piping opposite it; a bunch of kids' toys and playsets scattered around; and a desk with a computer on it kinda stuffed in the corner. There are several Mary Engelbreit posters and quilts hung on the walls. There's one big window at the back of the room, covered with Venetian blinds, and with a ruffled valance tacked up above it. I'm not crazy about valances generally, but I always think it looks vaguely ridiculous to slap one up and consider it a window treatment all on its own, kind of like wearing a tank top and tying a ribbon around your upper arm, apropos of precisely nothing. It's the same thing as putting a wallpaper border up, either running around the middle of the room or right where the ceiling and walls meet, and calling it a day. Hello? That's not finished. That's barely started. Back to Tim and Lori's: the front of the room is open to the lower half of the house, with a railing running along there. Lori says the playroom is overcrowded. It doesn't really look all that crowded to me, especially compared to the office/playroom Laurie redesigned on "Appalachian Trail." Now that was crowded. Tim would like the computer to stay, describing it as a "vital part of that room." So you know the computer's going. He just wants more room for the family and for "kids to be kids." Tim and Lori are talking to us from the kids' swingset; they mention that the kids love swinging, and that it would be great to have a swing in the playroom. ["Kinky." -- Wing Chun] Lori also says that they don't have too many restrictions about colours, but that they would like the room to be fun; however, since you can see the playroom as soon as you enter the house -- because of the openness of the design -- she'd like the colour scheme to flow with the rest of the house. I'm guessing the colour scheme of the rest of the house is the same off-white as the playroom. What I can see of it is, anyway. Tim says they're hoping not to have a room where people walk in and ask, "What did you do to your room?" Okay, this guy clearly has never seen the show, and has been talked into it by his wife and/or neighbours.
Cut to a still cowboy-hatted MPDP, asking if "you buckaroos" are ready to redecorate. ["After a few weeks there where MPDP didn't annoy me all that much, she was really killing me this week. I know her words are scripted and all, but I can only take so much." -- Kim] All the Texans bear her thematic blather with typical non-celebrity forbearance. Chad and Sherry are Team Orange; Tim and Lori are Team Green. MPDP runs through the rules ("lays down the law" in her role as "sheriff," don'tcha know). They agree and switch keys, and with a final admonishment from MPDP ("Git along little dogies" -- sigh), they run off to each other's houses. MPDP gives us a little cowboy-esque gesture with her foot and flicks the brim of her hat gently. Oy, already.
“ Chad and Sherry find Gen playing with some toys on the floor in the playroom. MPDP voice-overs that Gen 'regresses back' (yes) into childhood while she waits for her team. Leaving aside the annoying redundancy, how far could Gen have to go? ”
Vern is pretending to inspect the mantel as Tim and Lori zoom in. He asks what they think about the room; Tim immediately says that they have to add some colour. Indeed. Vern agrees: "Red, right?" I can't tell if he's taking the piss out or not. I'm guessing not. Lori wants to change the curtains, saying they're too gauzy and light; Vern agrees, alleging that they're like bedsheets. He explains he wants to go for "rustic elegance" in this room -- keep it comfortable, but make it elegant. They're going to add crown molding to the room, and trash the carpet and put some kind of new floor down. He mentions new "furniture options" and "carpentry options," but does not elaborate, and describes a new "art wall" incorporating some outdoor elements, in honour of Chad's occupation as a landscape architect. Tim and Lori seem to be on board. Vern tells them to start unloading the room. Fast-forward room-clearing with the usual goofiness ensues.
Chad and Sherry find Gen playing with some toys on the floor in the playroom. MPDP voice-overs that Gen "regresses back" (yes) into childhood while she waits for her team. Leaving aside the annoying redundancy, how far could Gen have to go? That's not an insult, but she is one of the most truly childlike people on this show. On her wrists, Gen is wearing what look like the cut-off tops of athletic socks, for reasons known only to her and God. ["Because Britney did it at the Super Bowl half-time show last year?" -- Kim] Gen enthuses about the toys and then asks what Chad and Sherry envision for the room. Chad thinks there's too much clutter, and that it's too bright. He suggests a darker colour scheme, "like a camo." You want her to paint the walls like camouflage? He says that's what he would like if he were a kid. Actually, if this room were for a different purpose, she'd probably do it. I can see Gen doing that. But I think Tim and Lori's kids are both under the age of three, and probably aren't going to be too keen on camouflage. Gen's response: "Wild!" She says they need to bring colour, pattern, and personality into the room. ["Gen is very diplomatic." -- Kim] Sherry suggests storage and practical options. Gen says they all need to get on their knees and look at the room that way; the room is organized for adults and she's trying to get the kid's perspective on things. She wants low art, low tables, low everything. It's going to be fun, and apparently, she's planning to use polka dots everywhere. Aagh. I just hate polka dots. Of all motifs and patterns in the world, I don't know if there's anything I like less. I hate them to a fairly irrational degree. I notice that Gen is wearing a circular red medallion on a chain around her neck. She must be picking up Laurie's habit of dressing to coordinate with the theme du jour. They unload the room, with the requisite goofiness of jumping on the couch, tossing things around, etc.
Vern's ready to rip up the carpet. He hopes there's something good under there, but it's going regardless, according to him. I admire his nerve. He's putting some kind of pry bar under the edge of the carpet; he's got a piece of fabric in there -- to protect the baseboard, I guess -- which he then hands to Lori, saying, "This is the fabric we're using, by the way." It looks like a dish towel, so I think he's joking. I sure hope so. Lori laughs it off. Vern pulls back the carpet, saying he expects plywood subfloor, and then having gotten a big corner peeled back, goes and pulls up the underpad (the most reddish-pink underpadding I've ever seen), and exposes a concrete floor. It doesn't matter either way for what Vern's planning to put down, though he jokes about it being fortuitous, since he was planning to pour concrete anyway. The bumper to the commercial shows a little girl trying to kiss a resistant little boy; I think the girl is Chad and Sherry's daughter and the boy is Tim and Lori's son. ["That was yucky, because the parents were clearly urging the girl on, and the boy was having none of it." -- Kim]
“ Vern has three cans of paint and says they're going to play a little game. He tells Tim and Lori that, depending on what number they guess, one colour will go on the floor, one on the walls, and one on the ceiling. Vern fools no one. As if Vern would allow anything to be that random. ”
During the commercials, the state of Texas files a constitutional amendment to secede from the United States of America, citing this show. ["I thought they had already done that." -- Kim]
The bumper back into the episode shows Gen lightly kissing and patting a horse. She seems like the sort of person who genuinely loves all creatures great and small. In the playroom, Gen is kneeling in front of several cans of paint, and has some stuffed under her shirt. Saying how excited she is about the room, she pulls out a wad of material, adding, "I'm expecting some fabric, and this is one of the accent colours we're going to bring into this room." The fabric is bright red cotton with white polka dots on it. Now, as soon as I see it, I start laughing, because it's identical to one of the pieces of fabric that had been nailed up over one of the windows in the main bedroom of this house when we bought it, in lieu of, say, an actual curtain or blind. Classy, no? The other window had a sun-faded, dirty blue-grey length of material over it. I took those down and I use them as painting dropcloths now...so I found it personally amusing that she's planning to use the same fabric to decorate here. ["I was traumatized as well, because I had a pair of shorts made out of that fabric when I was like four years old, and every time I wore them, my dad called me Minnie Mouse. Which I hated for some reason. Sorry to bring up my childhood traumas." -- Kim] I don't know why polka dots annoy me so much, but they do. They just seem inane, somehow. I even resent them on the dropcloth, but I need all the dropcloths I can get. Gen also grabs, from behind her, some pillows and rugs she's taken out of the other bedrooms, showing that their schemes are yellow and blue, and then opens cans of yellow and blue paint, saying that this will help tie it all together. The blue is a light sky blue, and the yellow is a kind of cool but bright yellow. Gen opens a can of white paint, saying that the yellow and blue will be polka dots on a white base. She's going to paint an off-white room white? Whatever.
Over in the living room, the concrete floor is completely exposed. Vern has three cans of paint and says they're going to play a little game. He tells Tim and Lori that, depending on what number they guess, one colour will go on the floor, one on the walls, and one on the ceiling. Vern fools no one. As if Vern would allow anything to be that random. We all play along anyway, though, because we love Vern. As Vern's opening the cans, Tim asks, "Where's the red?" Vern laughs, saying, "You're going to wish there was red after you saw [sic] this." He opens a can of black, a can of what looks like peach (peach?!), and a can of white. Tim and Lori think that the black is going on the armoire, and the taupe colour (the one that looks peach) must be going on the walls. Lori can't figure out where the white is going. I'm thinking it's for the molding and other trim. Vern laughs, complaining that they're no fun, because he was trying to make them assign one of those colours to each of the floor, ceiling, and walls. Tim and Lori are too smart for him.