(Mindy) Paige Davis (Page) -- who will, throughout this recap, be known as MPDP since one of the homeowners is named Paige (and with Frank going to town with the paint in this ep, there's quite enough confusion, thank you) -- appears, wearing jeans, an American flag t-shirt, and a grey hooded zip-front sweatshirt, to tell us we're in Alvin, Texas; as she speaks, she meanders up to a statue of baseball legend Nolan Ryan. So right away, you know the puns du jour will have to do with baseball. I'm not too big on the themed puns in the narration; the ones in the Shakespeare episode just about pushed me over the edge. As MPDP leans on Ryan's bronze, uplifted left leg, she tells us they've got neighbours ready to throw some wild pitches of their own and get into the major leagues of redecorating.
The shot is of someone putting a golf ball. It's Frank, wearing a shirt that looks like some of the rooms he's done. That should tell you everything you need to know about it. Why the switch to golf, I wonder? Why not have them at a baseball diamond? Is it just to screw with me in my sports-challengedness? Frank hands the golf club to Genevieve, who's wearing jeans, a brown leather jacket, and a cowboy hat. She giggles (no! Get out!), skips, and riverdances around the course, soccer-balling the golf ball between her feet, as we see Amy sink a putt. ["And Amy's lesbian fan base sighs in admiration." -- Kim] MPDP's voice-over introduces the three of them and throws in some golf-metaphor hole-in-one blather. Then we see Frank and Amy in a golf cart, with Gen hitching a ride on the back. As Amy takes off with a jerk (and no, I don't mean Frank...but if it were Doug or Hildi, that would have worked well), Gen falls off the back, giggling and squealing.
MPDP reminds us that their homeowners only have two days and a thousand bills to accomplish the transformation of a room in their neighbour's home. We cut to a shot of the two mother-daughter teams featured in this episode, playing cards at the kitchen table. Team Orange is Gayla and her daughter Andrea, and they want to update the spacious, serviceable kitchen they're in. It's a typical sort of '70s leftover, with orangey-brownish cabinets; a mottled avocado green vinyl floor; counters and backsplash of a fairly bilious shade of green (which doesn't seem to coordinate with the avocado); a strawberry-print wallpaper border at the top of the wall (one of my most hated decorating conventions); a little valance over a large arched window that's also covered with Venetian blinds; and a wooden table and chairs in much the same tone as the cupboards. It's not horrendous, but it's very dated and blah. Andrea says she doesn't want any day-glo orange or pink, and absolutely no blue of any shade whatsoever. We see a decorative plate on the wall; it's got an image of ripe mustardy-coloured pears and dark green leaves on it. Gayla says she likes that plate and would love to see the kitchen painted a colour like that: "Mustardy faux-finish," she calls it. Boy, I hope you're getting Frank as your designer, because you may get your wish. Andrea says she doesn't know what to do about the floor other than get rid of it and lose the avocado green. Mother razzes daughter about not liking her kitchen; daughter insists it needs an update; mother pretend-hesitates and then agrees.
Texas: Sherwood Street
“ The most notable thing about it is the very awkward shape of the room; from above, imagine two different sizes of rectangles placed end-to-end, then move the top one about halfway to the right. There are, like, eight walls in this room. ”
We cut to Carla and her daughter Paige, Team Blue, playing cards as MPDP says that they're shuffling for ideas to organize the master bedroom. We see a shot of the room. The most notable thing about it is the very awkward shape of the room; from above, imagine two different sizes of rectangles placed end-to-end, then move the top one about halfway to the right. There are, like, eight walls in this room. It's large, but in such a way that the space is hard to use. The walls at least, are painted what looks like a soft yellow; they're not white. There's a smallish window with Venetian blinds and the pointless little valance (another peeve of mine). The floor looks like it's a light-coloured ceramic tile, but I suppose it could be vinyl. ["And regardless, seemed like a really harsh surface for a bedroom floor, right?" -- Kim] All of the furniture is very dark wood of a fairly traditional style, and the bed is one of those ones with short, knobby posts. There is a nightstand and a lamp on each side of the bed. There's a ceiling fan that's similar to, but not quite as deeply ugly as, the one in my kitchen. There's a shot of large open shelves with plenty of books, a few tchotchkes, and several pairs of shoes neatly arranged on them. Carla insists they need more storage and that it's very cluttered, but given that the floor is bare and that everything is quite tidy and not that busy, I'm not entirely sure what she's talking about. She should come visit me in my office sometime and I'll show her what clutter is. There's a shot of Carla and Paige by the pool; Paige says she needs someplace to put her shoes other than the bookshelves. Okay, I can see that. I would think there's some room under her bed for a shallow Rubbermaid container, though. Carla says she doesn't know where else the bed could be placed; maybe under the window. Well, sure, but it's not good feng shui to do that. Actually, the placement of the bed is one of the three most important issues in the feng shui of the house itself; the other two are the placement of the front door and the stove. Carla says she has no imagination about it. Paige says it would be better to have no furniture than what's in there now. I don't think it's that bad.
Time for the swapping of keys: it's grey and overcast, and MPDP points this out, suggesting to Andrea that maybe she could do some "Rangerette high kicks" and entertain everyone and get them in the mood. I guess she's a cheerleader. For football? Are we switching sports again? Even Sorkin doesn't throw more than two sports per episode at me. ["Hee! According to the official site, the Rangerettes are 'the world's best known collegiate drill team.'" -- Kim] MPDP recites the rules of the game and hands them the wrong keys, then straightens it out, and rolls her eyes and throws up her hand for the camera, lamenting, "I can't even trade keys right!"
Texas: Sherwood Street
“ We see a shot of Gen putting on what looks like a man's suit jacket and what is definitely a man's red tie, as MPDP says that Gen's wearing a clue to her room design. Cross-dressing? Interesting concept. ”
Gayla and Andrea charge into Carla's house, and we see a shot of Gen putting on what looks like a man's suit jacket and what is definitely a man's red tie, as MPDP says that Gen's wearing a clue to her room design. Cross-dressing? Interesting concept. Andrea rushes in and bounces onto the bed; Gen climbs on, too. She says she's really excited to be in Texas and to be working with them because they have plenty of energy. Then she announces that they're just going to "spaz out" (oh dear) and turn the room into a New England-y, English cottage, quaint room, but she assures the team there will be no flowers or frills. As if Gen would ever do frills. I think of "English cottage " and "New England" looks as being very different, but whatever. Gayla says she'd like to get some colour in the room and pull it together; Gen gushes some more about fabrics, pictures, and wood, and then tells them to unload the room. The goofy piano music plays as they empty the room, and I find myself wishing for an episode of Trading Spaces that was shot like 24 in real time, so we can see just how long it takes to do the simplest and most straightforward things, like removing a mirror from the wall or unwiring a ceiling fan, etc. ["And how much work the homeowners do, and how much work the show's crew does. They could sell it as a live web feed like Big Brother! Banyan, send your checks to Deborah and me care of Television Without Pity!" -- Kim]
Over at Gayla's house, Frank stands by the table, looking at his watch. There's what looks like a bird's nest on the table, but I think it's just an especially fat wreath of some sort. Frank lays it out for them: he wants to get rid of the wallpaper (word!), change the floor and the countertops, do a faux finish on the walls (Carla's very jazzed about this on Gayla's behalf), and leave the cabinets as they are. He rips up the Venetian blind on the arched window and wonders why it's covered with such a thing. Paige points out that Gayla wanted plantation shutters for the window, but was quoted a price of $3500. Excuse me? Yes, windows with arches and other odd shapes are a pain in the butt to cover and custom solutions, especially good-looking ones, are not cheap; but $3500 for plantation shutters to cover a window that I estimate is no more than three to four feet wide and about four and half feet high? That just sounds insane. Frank tells her that isn't happening for a thousand dollars. He tells them to grab something and empty the room. Frank goofs around by putting the bird nest/wreath thing on his head, and then grabbing the valance rod and twirling it around.
Gen announces that Carla's shelves have got to go, as Andrea removes her socks. She's already fallen under Gen's siren spell, clearly. Gen says they're sad and sagging in the middle, and yet she announces that they have to be ripped out carefully because they're going to be re-used. Gen says the upright piece of wood supporting the shelves can be torn out with abandon, though, accentuating her words with a karate kick. She bangs on the support with a hammer; as it whangs off the wall, Gayla barely misses being hit by it and shrieks and laughs. Lesson #1, kids: Pay attention, and watch where you're standing, especially during destructive activities.
“ MPDP is marvelling at how well Frank's de-wallpapering is going. She says, 'I'll tell you what: that is the sort of luck you need on Trading Spaces.' Shouldn't that be, 'I tell you what,' since they're in Texas and all? She assures them they have no idea how much time this will save them. I swallow my bitter jealousy. ”
Cut to Frank removing the cheesy wallpaper border. God loves Frank, obviously, because the stuff is coming off with nary a hitch, unlike my recent experiences with wallpaper removal, which you can read about in the "Home Improvement" forums. Carla says it's because the glue is so old; I dunno, I had old glue and nothing but misery. Frank jokes that there's a note from Christopher Columbus on the back. He's sweating plenty already.
Andrea hammers away at the shelves; Gen's telling her not to worry about damage to the walls because they're going to be covered. "With what?" Both homeowners are wondering. Clearly they've seen the show before, unlike all too many homeowners on this show. Gen says they'll be covered with wood. Gayla: "Not moss?" Andrea howls. Hee! Gen takes it in stride and assures them, "No moss. No rocks." She says they're making a nook, and there are going to be curtains in the little narrow part of the room that joins the two rectangles, and they'll bring the wood back around into the bed area. The bumper to the commercial shows Gen chasing Frank and Amy in the golf cart.
Bumper back to the show: Gen sticking her tongue out. On the show: MPDP is marvelling at how well Frank's de-wallpapering is going. She says, "I'll tell you what: that is the sort of luck you need on Trading Spaces." Shouldn't that be, "I tell you what," since they're in Texas and all? She assures them they have no idea how much time this will save them. I swallow my bitter jealousy.
Back to Andrea and Gayla wrenching the top shelf out of the nook; Gayla is almost as giggly as Gen, which is saying something. ["For you Bunim-Murray show fans, Andrea totally reminded me of Michelle from Road Rules Europe. She had the red hair, the Texas upbringing, the former cheerleader vibe, all of it." -- Kim] They decide it's break time; Gayla says she's going to find somewhere to hide. Then they notice some more work that has to be done before they finish clearing out the nook.
Frank is launching the fauxifying of the walls. Carla and Paige hold brushes and express their nervousness; Frank says, "Don't be scared. It's just paint." Using a big sponge, he dabs on a soft reddish colour, then uses a brush to slap on a soft orangey colour to it.
Cut to Gen revealing her paint colours, which are: white (yes, white) and light grey. Team Orange is surprised. Gen says it's "ultra, ultra white" and slaps some on the wall, over the existing colour, which she calls Antique White. In the opening shots, it looked quite yellow, but she's there and I'm not so we'll go with that. Also? TVs lie. Especially about colours. A lot depends on picture tube quality, contrast adjustment, etc. ["How recently you've cleaned off the screen. Okay, maybe that's just me." -- Kim] She peels the lid off the other can and shows the grey -- although it looks pretty white in the can -- which she calls "Smoke." She slaps some of that on the wall so that we can see it is actually grey. Or "Smoke." Team Orange approves. Gen says they'll bring in some fun colours in the fabrics, but she wants to paint the walls, and the ceiling, these colours. She mentions that she hates painting ceilings (sing it, sister) to the point that she usually tries to design around it, but that they're going to have to grin and bear it.